American Idol: Clash of the DoDos

Tonight on American Idol, Webster dances like a girl, Diddy brings aerobics back, and the Clash of the Titans pours some cheese all over the stage.

We have a winna!

One day, somebody’s gotta make a stand.

I ain’t listening to a word you fools is sayin! Suck my duck!

Heroes are not born. They are MADE!

I shall make you a hero, Crystal. To homeless people and toothless people and unwashed hair people everywhere!

Please don’t put your hair over your face when I’m talking to you, Crystal!

Epic battles rage between men and gods!

Between teenagers and old grouchy people in horrible clothing!

Between giant black men and tiny gay people!

At least give me a pillow to bite down on or something!!

Between Mexican moms and super bad hair extensions!

¿De qué estás hablando, gilipollas?!? Tengo estas como un premio de viajero frecuente en El Pollo Loco! Chúpame el pato!

Between Skara DiLaGuardia and Meghan’s Law!

If you see this woman near a school please call the police.

Destiny. Is. WRITTEN.

You are destined to be an insecure open wound waitress with vocal nodes. Sorry, I didn’t write it. Just reporting.

Who will accept their fate?

Who will be defeated?

Come on guys! Paula’s gone! Let her RIP already!

Who will Randy eat?

I could use a dog, dawg. Where my Mister Rogers sweater at?!?!

Clash of the Titans will be playing soon in theaters, but American Idol will rot your brain FOREVAH! This, is a shitty movie preview! And THIS! IS AMERICAN iDOLT!

Nothing in that movie preview scared me like this lady’s arm jiggle does.

Sleeves. Please. For the children.

Tink comes out and tells us how awesome last night’s show was. LOL. This guy should be the White House Press Secretary for every Administration ever. Let’s say hi to Randy!

Won’t you be by neighbor, dawg?

Ellen!

Skara!

Precious! Come make mommy feel good!

Simon!

And now for one of our favorite Idols of all time, singing “Don’t Make Em Like You No More”, Miss Jennifer Hudson!

Or “English Blows Don’t Learn That Shit the Chinese Peops Own Our Asses Anyway”

I love JHud, but I don’t get her music at all. Loved her in Dreamgirls, hated her in Sex and the City. Loved her singing Elton John, hated her spelling L-O-V-E over and over again in her big hit single. Love ya just make better songs k? Thanks for coming by! Maybe next time wax first!

Tink attacks JHud after the song to talk about her weight loss. She’s a vegan now. JHud is even bigger than Green Mile, who still claims to be a trainer. LOL. You know what? If you pay a trainer with love handles that big you deserve to be fat and miserable.

After four minutes of Ford commercials, it’s finally time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for! A Ford commercial!

I’m sorry, but do Asians make this? Then no.

The new cast of Top Heif

For some reason, this one is about bellhops from different hotels fighting in the street. Ok, I’ll go with that. The best part is when Casey finally stands up to Green Mile in jail, threatens to tell a guard he’s being harassed, and then gets butt raped!

No one said climbing your way up in Hollywood wouldn’t give you hemorrhoids.

The editors were super sweet in this one and made everyone look like they have PigPen clouds swirling around their heads so Crystal OrganiJoplin doesn’t feel like the only dirty one.

Prettiness Casey is the only one that doesn’t have to dress like a bellhop. I don’t know why. The story is about him just innocently trying to grocery shop while the hotels war.

I’d totally tip you guys but I just spent all my change on Preparation H and bandages.

Oh noes! Not again! Dios mio!

Prettiness gets down on his knees and bites Green Mile where the sun don’t shine just like in that movie An Innocent Man with Tom Selleck.

Don’t mess with MacGyver, foo!

The bellhops stop fighting and bond while they tape Green Mile’s peepee back on. Is someone paid to write this shit or are these just based on Paula’s drunken take me back voicemails? Tink points out Green MIle’s new hair extension. He did it for Sio last night cuz she wouldn’t stop making tiny cuts to her inner thigh on the floor of the greenroom.

That thing looks like someone took a hammer to a jellyfish.

Tink asks boring questions of the contestants to further showcase their lack of personalities. Speaking of, hey MexiGokey! How come the judges think you’re so boring! Answer: cuz they don’t hang out with me! A. You’re an unemployed dad that lays around in wife beaters all day being supported by your parents and your girlfriend according to your bio videos. How exciting can you be? and B. Um….you could be the life of the party at home but you’re duller than a mallet onstage which is not good. The audience screams anyway. Tink is falling asleep so he asks where MamaGokey is. She’s the one with the plaid pancho screaming like she’s on a Japanese game show.

Why is Asia such a big part of this recap? And who let’s their mom out of the house dressed like the Bounty man? And where in the WORLD is that bitch Carmen Sandiego? Seriously.

MexiG says “she crazy!”, which he said like ten thousand times last night. It’s either his attempt at a new catchphrase or he just doesn’t know very many words.

Tink suggests that MamaG should invite the judges over and cook for them to prove MexiG has a personality. That’s kinda offensive, but she smiles and shakes anyway. And now let’s see the cast of Clash of the Titans! They’re a lot less scary when they’re lisping straight at the camera. To actors everywhere: please. Don’t speak.

You likey ow moofie vee ah beeg and strong een datz! Life ees a cabaraytet old chums!

Now for some results! Lee thinks he was the best ever last night! Congrats! You’re on the path to becoming a douche bag! It’s fun watching nice kids get totally ruined. Just stay quiet and look cute k? Simon’s like wowee he’s so dreamy! Lee’s safe! Prettiness has to tell Tink how he challenges himself and he babbles on incoherently. “I guess I could get more.” LOL. You already get plenty I’m sure. Now remodel my bathroom. Sio and Katie are skipped over and they look miserable. Little Chicken was called a cupcake! Has he ever been in love? He lisps that he’s way too young to openly date dudes. Simon jokes that Tink hasn’t been laid either and then says it’s not the Oprah show so stop asking stupid questions and insisting he’s just friends with Gayle and do his job. Then Tink gets pissy and says the judge’s highly paid job is to give advice. Ugh. You’re right. This isn’t the Oprah show. She at least gives you something besides a headache for showing up.

Tink gives up and tries to ask Skara for Chicken advice. She won’t answer either cuz her head’s up Simon’s butthole. Randy takes the question and tells Chicken that he’s been in love with stuff before so it’s like that just twisted. Wow. I actually typed that all down. Who’s the sucker now? Chicken’s safe. If you consider looking for twisted love cuz a creepy adult told you to safe.

Sio and Katie stand. Sio is wearing a melty face dead person on her shirt and Katie is wearing the Smurf slaughter at the end of Avatar.

Tink repeats some nasty comments about Sio and she smiles big and says it was hard and it wasn’t her favorite idol moment. She’s a human being and stuff happens and she’s not defeated! She refers to a video clip of her at the beginning showing her in the greenroom whining “come ooooon!” You didn’t look defeated in that video, you looked like a spoiled brat who didn’t get a popsicle. I still love her I don’t care what you guys say. She talks super slow and looks like Geenarunsruns Davis. This season, it’s the little things that count SO BACK OFF!

Katie makes even less sense, saying she’s gonna listen to the judges and kinda add it to what she likes to maybe figure out who she is. Poor lost ass Katie. All she wants is a personality! She’s in the bottom three! Sio starts sobbing. LOL. At least try to feel bad for the mound of clay that just got sent to the loser rink! Skara is yelling “that’s not why! That’s not why!” at Simon. Tink leans over the table and tells Simon it’s not nice to gloat when someone he hates gets in the bottom three. Simon says that Tink is on his last fucking nerve and needs to stop breathing lip smackers all over him. Then he says that his point is Katie should listen to his advice cuz she’s talented and he knows how to invent personalities for children and make millions of dollars off of them. I agree with Simon. Just look at Susan Boyle. She went from the nose picking freak on the short bus to the Queen of England in six months.

Next week is Lennon/McCartney week! Justin Beiber is here! Holy shit he’s like five years old you guys.

Don’t we have child labor laws? If this kid is allowed to work anywhere it should be behind a sewing machine in Honduras. I’m calling the popo.

And now a performance by Webster! He’ll be singing “Then Came You!” I love this song!

The song is actually called OMG. Seriously? it’s with Will.I.Am, cuz just one adult pretending to be a teenager doesn’t sound the same. You gotta give Ush credit for actually signing. You can tell cuz he’s all shakey and breathy. He sounds like he’s being chased. I suspect he’s afraid of vaginas.

AAAAGHGHGHGH!

You know what? Sometimes lip synching is better. He can dance like crazy. Will.I.Am looks like Arsenio Hall.

This song is gay. And not in the fun penis on penis way. Ush should just stick to dancing. Or starring in sitcoms in the 80′s. And btw, the song is Oh My Gosh. Cuz saying God would be wrong. Vaginas opening up like flowers and whacking your peepee all over the place? Totally fine.

More results!! DoDo stands. She’s scared of playing the guitar. I’ll bet the guitar’s more scared of your crazy ass. She’s in the bottom! Shocker! Green Mile is next. Ellen says he’s big but very sensitive and she calls him Tiny Mile to herself. Tink tries to fake him out, but he’s safe. Someone screams “pick him up and throw him!” So he does.

As usual, Peter Pan’s nowhere to be found when you need him.





Oh wait there he is!

OrganiJoplin. Let me guess. She’s safe! Helmut Lame Tim and MexiGokey are next. Skara says that she doesn’t like when Tim smiles while he’s getting ripped apart and he doesn’t understand what they’re saying. LOL. She asks him if he gets it. He says that he smiles cuz he’s so happy to be having FUUUUN! Skara accepts that answer and shrugs. MexiG’s safe! Helmut lame is with DoDo and Katie in the bottom three. He still smiles big. Katie is allowed to sit back down. Uhoh, Dodo’s gonna be out! There’s no way America’s gonna vote for the MacBook Air commercial over a body like Helmut’s.

Tonight on the news, Skara will be lip synching to her new song! And doing crunches on a fan. Hey lady have your hot flashes in private, k?

When we come back, Tim looks like a moron and DoDo looks pissed that she’s back in her Ihop uniform tomorrow morning.

Before we kick someone off, let’s bring out a multitalented artist! Jesus!

All the Jews are like “uh oh called that one wrong” right now.

Wait! That’s not Jesus! That’s Diddy! He just thinks he’s Jesus! Hos in bikini tops and sweat pants do step aerobics while Did sings a song about having a good morning. This guy knows how to lip synch properly. His new dance move is a stick your butt out and walk backwards thing, and it’s fucking hilarious.

Hey! You stole that from The Three Amigos. Martin Short should sue.

Did dances with a fake groupie whore from the audience and dry butt rapes her for awhile. Just don’t say God, k?

Then he tells America to turn their lights down, does the swim, and then gives old people seizures with strobe lights. For his big finale, he crucifies himself.

The Pope is gonna be humming this retarded song all morning tomorrow.

Diddy runsEven while around the stage and kisses the judges and tells us he was nervous and he’s been out of the game awhile. You don’t say. That looked totally relaxed and comfortable. So you used a little 1983 aerobics choreography. Big deal! Aerobics never should have gone out of style in the first place!

DoDo’s out!! Well, she has the opportunity to be saved, but come on now. That’s not gonna happen. They’re saving that shit for OrganiJ or Sio or MexiG. She sings, and I forgot that she sang this song less than 24 hours after hearing it the first time. She’s more off key than she was last night, at the beginning at least. As she gets into it, she sounds pretty good. She’s a little calmer and more comfie up there. Even while Simon tells knock knock jokes during her song.

I said open the door, bitch!

DoDo gets a little shakey and off key towards the end, but honestly who can blame her? Especially with this note coming.

Good morning.

When she finishes, Simon’s all um NO. But I’d love more potatoes with my Grand Slam.

Next week, Yoko pays the mortgage by licensing some Lennon songs and Lennon rolls around in his grave screaming “I should have listened to George!”