American Idol: Dead Horses

American Idol

By Flipit | Wednesday, May 14, 2008 | 9:38 am | 33 Comments
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Tonight we get three times the magic! Three times the excitement! Three times the thrills! As any mathematician can tell you, three times zero is zero. Call PETA and arrange a truck to the glue factory, cuz this horse is just about beaten dead. THIS. Is American Idol!

Picture 2-43

Tell us a story, Paw!

Tink comes out and walks down the plank, narrating the struggles of the final three. Last Summer, these three auditioned for their chance at SUPASTAHDOM. A Fetus straight out of the womb, a local Florida used car commercial hustler actress, and a coneheaded special needs looking bartender. He stops to growl out the word “bartender” like it’s the manliest job ever invented. Too much Cocktail, Tink?

Cocktail

Can’t you just taste the testosterone?

The Fetus smiles blankly at the crowd, Cook smiles at himself, and Syseha eye humps the camera while Tink does a Nemo impression.

Picture 1-48

We get it, the world’s a fish bowl.



You know it’s a huge season coming to a close when we get a pan of the star studded audience. Nigel pulled out all the stops on this one, people. Look! It’s Marilu Henner, staring at her own cubix ring! And the little Gaysian from Entourage (or Margaret Cho after a three day bender, I can’t tell). And Justin Guarini, who actually thinks the camera is focused on him when it’s so getting him by accident. LOL Guarini. This ain’t the TVGuide Channel awards. And either cut your hair or accept it the way it is. The relaxer makes you look like poor Little Orphan Annie stuck out in the rain. Sad horns. Oh yeah, love ya Just!

Starstuddednight

This sparkling year is almost over, but some questions I’ve had only intensify tonight. Is Randy Jackson wearing a muumuu? How many pounds does Paula’s wig weigh? Seriously, it gets bigger every week. And will anyone catch on to Simon’s attempt to start a new attempted hair style fad?

Picture 5-34

The Butt Crack: Coming to a mid-life crisis near you.

Stay tuned! Hopefully we will get answers to all these questions and more. Tonight the theme is sink or swim. The judges have picked a song for the contestants, Nigel’s picked one, and the kids have chosen one for themselves.

Judge’s Choice will be round 1, and the Fetus is up first. We start with footage from his visit home. I know I have made fun of his trashy egomaniacal asswipe of a father all year for dressing like a slob every night, but he looks like Hugo Boss flew in and personally dressed him compared to the handlebar mustached Mayor Snar of Murray City, Utah. I know it’s illegal to burn American flags, but….

Picture 7-29

I’ll git choo, ya little rascal!



Paula chose the Fetus’ song, and she writes a letter to Mayor Snar to read at the inbred cracker function in town square. She signed the letter “Forever Your Girl, Paula”. LOL. I love that she just assumes any man would get a boner for her in that video from two decades ago. Paula Abdul, never change. “And So it Goes” by Billy Joel is her choice, and I fully expect her to congratulate the boy on a beautiful rendition of “Pop Goes the Weasel” when he’s done singing it tonight.



Question: How do you feel about the song choice, kid? Answer: Deep in and out wheezing and blank smile. Blink blink. Great! Let’s get to it! Fetus takes the stage in another plastic jacket and one of Tink’s skinny ties. FYI, skinny ties do not lengthen you. Some bs artist of a tailor made that up to unload them at the end of the eighties, but the notion is still around today. Fetus does his usual performance. He sings the song beautifully, doesn’t miss a note, and makes my eyes well up with yawn tears. Beautiful and bore snore. He sticks out his tongue at the end and I search his eyes for a bit of playfulness even though I know by now that he did it because still no one has thought to buy the kid a tin of Burt’s Bee’s Wax. He has the fattest tongue I’ve ever seen. I don’t think I’ve ever ragged on someone’s tongue before, but damn, This one earned it.

Picture 9-20

It looks like he’s blowing a skin bubble.



Randy loved the song choice and says the same thing as he has said every week, “you can sing anything”. If he had ended that sentence with “exactly as you’ve sung everything else”, I would totally agree. Paula called him a pure and stunning storyteller (??), and Simon says it was good and predictable. Little girls from the mosh pit scream and argue with him, and he calls them all botched abortions.

Since Idol Gives Back was a semi-flop this year, the Judges try and get money from us by holding Tink for ransom when we come back from break.

Picture 10-17

Still no donations? Kids in Africa aren’t getting little crayon boxes this year.

Needless to say, the phones don’t ring. Nice try, AI! Now for the saddest part of the show, well, except for the part where Tink got beheaded on national TV…

PAUSE. OMG this has nothing to do with the show, so skip this paragraph if you can’t handle it. I have one of those big metal screen doors with a lock on it and I keep my front door open so that I can chain smoke. This homeless dude just came up to the door and started banging and then mumbled something drunkenly. I went up and said huh? Speak up, tiger, I’m very busy. “Does Ewic Hillewman livwe hewah?” No now f off. It’s 1:45 AM biatch. Then he practically crawled back down the stairs. This has nothing to do with anything, but Jesus H. Christ. What is the world coming to? Don’t move to E Hollywood. It’s exactly as my Meemaw used to describe Hell. And Eric Hillerman, call your homeless father please. He’s scaring the neighbors.

OK sorry bout that, but there is no one else to tell. As I was saying, the most depressing part of the night is Syesha getting her assignment. Why is it sad? Because there is no town hall party where Tampa locals get together and support her, no awkward fug mayor with a handlebar mustache, no beer bellied dad in a stained t shirt and a golf hat. Just Syesha, alone in the back of a limo, getting a text message from Randy. Her song choice is “If Not Even Your Hometown Likes You”, by Alicia Keys. She must have written that after her comments about how rap music was invented by white people to bring the black man down. I think this would be a good time as any to say Alicia, shut the fuck up. Don’t blame “I Like Big Butts” on me.

She’s really singing “If I Ain’t Got You”, and I LOVE THIS SONG. First the good. Syesha’s vocal confidence has grown week to week and she really nails this one…vocally. Unfortunately, she is singing about being desperately in love and not being able to live without her man, and instead of putting any kind of emotion into the song she smiles her face off and makes cruise shippy grimaces at the camera. Again, if I closed my eyes, this performance would be near perfect. The worst part is her dress. If Michael Kors from Project Runway was here, he would call her look MOB, or Mother of the Bride. A two piece glittery formal two piece. And the two pieces don’t match. The bottom is goldish silver and the top is silver silver. OY. Who is dressing these kids this season? To sum it up, Syesha’s performance was horribly dressed and mismatched, but it sounded real perty.I know Syesha doesn’t have many fans around here, but vocally she kicked Alicia Keys’ ass on that one.

Picture 11-14

I’d like to dedicate this to my daughter’s new husband.



Randy loved it. He is happy that she’s finally peaking. Paula says she’s proud that she’s a woman and still treading water, and Simon begrudgingly compliments her and disses Randy’s song choice. And he loves the MOB dress. Most unflattering dress ever. How low can her boobs be? Isn’t she like 20? She tells Tink that she’s no longer nervous and now just enjoys being herself. Dammit I wish her personality didn’t annoy the hell out of me.

David Cook is up next and he gets to hang out with some real winners on the Kansas City 5AM newscast. When he gets a text from Simon (SO not planned) the girl newscaster almost pees herself. Simon has chosen “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”, which was popularized by Roberta Flack. Huh? Nice one, Simon’s personal assistant. It’s actually probably a great choice, because you know Cook will go all crazy with it and make it sound like a song you would turn off every time it came on the office friendly adult contemporary station you listen to at work, but still know every word to because you can’t escape it. Man, I already resent Cook’s career and it hasn’t even begun yet.

Picture 12-11

And now, David Cook from American Idol will demonstrate the laser cellulite removal system. Oh yeah, and there was an earthquake in China.



Simon says that it’s a very difficult song and unlike Randy he wanted to inspire some originality with his choice. He adds that so many of his girlfriends have said that the song reminds them of him, and you know he’s full of shit. Simon doesn’t date girls old enough to know what the hell this song is. Tink makes a gay joke about Simon wanting to do Cook, and all I can think about is his hag,Teri Hatcher, singing live on Idol Gives Back. I don’t know why.



This is one of those songs that had me playing “Name That Commercial”. Tampons? Foot Cream? I don’t know, but I am sure that I avoided buying whatever product it was. Cook does his usual growelly wow OMG it’s so rock and roll now cuz it’s slower and more emo. Whatevs. He sounded very nice, and the song was retarded. The audience went crazy, and so did I, but in a different way. I just covered my ears and mumbled “why?” over and over again, like Rain Man.

Picture 14-8

The first time ever I saw your face, I pooed my pants.

The best part was that Ashley Furl the crying girl is all grown up now and came back to stand through the song and cry. Man, time flies.

Picture 13-10

This show is making us all old.

Randy didn’t like Simon’s gay ass song choice, and Paula reminds them that this is about David, who totally agrees with her. She says he’s her second favorite person to sing that song. Ouch. Coming from Paula, that’s a throat stab. Simon, of course, loved it and said it was the best song choice ever. Anyone else glad Judge’s Choice is officially done? What a bunch of yahoos. Roberta Flack. Good lord. Wait, I think it was a Summer’s Eve commercial. Zale’s diamonds? Moving on.

Time for contestant’s choice. Fetus has chosen “With You” by Chris Brown, because he wanted to sing something “more youthful”. Oh God, I can’t wait to see his father’s idea of “youthful”. Sorry, Roberta Flack was already taken. I don’t remember ever hearing this song, and when Fetus opens with “Hey boo” I fall out of my chair. LOL white boy. He tries to get…”funky” is the best way I can describe it, and it’s f ing HILARIOUS. He kind of rocks back and forth and tries to wave his hand in the air on the off beat, but he just can’t do it and even forgets his lyrics (again) as he tries. Oh man. This hurts.

He has some really nice riffs and his voice is as sweet as ever, but I had to watch it a second time to even get that, because at first all I heard were awkward hip swings and “please daddy don’t hit me!” At least he didn’t try to smash the lyrics to the Titanic theme in there. Randy holds his nose and shouts “HONKEY!”, Paula kisses his ass, and Simon says it was like watching a Chihuaua trying to be a tiger. L. O. L. The screaming tweens are out of control and almost burn the judges alive on this one. If Rodney King had had supporters this rabid, there would be no LA.

Picture 15-5

My boo booooooooooooo

Syesha will be singing “Fever”. Oh for crying out. Really? You’re in the top three and this is what you choose? Contestants choice is pretty telling about what you’re gonna get if you vote for the singer, and all I can think about when I hear this song is my mom slurring drunkenly on top of a friend’s pool table at a Christmas karaoke party a few years back. Hint: I am so not voting for my mom.

Syesha is wearing another, sluttier MOB glitter bead dress, and she is going to use a chair. I was hoping she would stand on it and fall, but no such luck. She plays with the rhythm of the song and again her voice is good, but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. If Nyquil picked this version up for a commercial I wouldn’t be surprised. I know this is the second time I have brought up ad music, but it seems like that’s what they’re going for this year. Randy disses her song choice but thinks she sang it very well. Paula calls her pretty (ouch) and then says the song sucked it. It doesn’t show who “Syesha is as an artist“. Sure it does. She’s a beautiful girl who smiles a lot, sings perty, annoys you with her “personality” and then tries to sell you a used car. What’s not to get? Simon says that she’ll regret it because she wasn’t contemporary. That’s something coming from the guy who chose a Roberta Flack song. I will just not ever be ok with that.

Picture 16-3

This 2002 Honda Civic will get your temperature rising, but only if you buy before Sunday Sunday Sunday!

The girls go nuts when Tink announces that Cook has chosen Switchfoot, and Cook turns to the screamers and deadpans “You’ve heard of it? Alright.” Slight eye roll. He’s right that no one knows what he’s talking about and they’re just yelling because they’re horny and young, but it’s kind of amusing that he’s annoyed by that. I’m sorry Cook. You’re here because of your completely original sound. Happy? He will be one of those people who becomes rich and bitter and drunk because everyone loves him but no one “gets” him.

He says he chose the song because “it wraps up this experience. Welcome to the planet, welcome to existence, everyone’s here, and as you said being a (Tink trying to be butch imitation) bartender, it just made sense.” Can someone please tell me what the hell any of that meant?

Picture 17-3

Chins up.

Tink is sitting in Syesha’s prop chair and Cook is on a stool, which is perfect because he gets to deliver his nonsensical monologue while looking down on someone. One of you asked in the comments “Flipit, why the Cook hate?” I wouldn’t call it hate, I would call it a strong distaste. And to answer, I don’t know. I just follow my instincts. That said, I got lost driving to my own apartment today (not kidding), so I can’t really defend my instincts. All I can tell you is that he makes me want to pull of my skin.

The song is “Dare You To Move”. “Everybody’s watching for you now. Everyone’s waiting for you now. What happens now?” This song is basically Cook saying that he’s gonna dare himself to be the supastah that he is. The ironic thing is, he’s wobbly and off key the whole time, which is kinda rare for him. I dare you not to suck so hard, how bout it? Randy says that his friend produced the song and Cook was pitchy. Paula thought it was badly condensed, and Simon thought it was a crap song and a mediocre round altogeher. Cook is, as usual, totally humble.

Picture 19-1

Thank you for your totally inaccurate opinion.

Nigel’s choice! The Fetus has been given “Longer” by Dan Fogelburg. I love that the judges are always saying The Fetus needs to be more contemporary and then Nigel goes and assigns him one of the corniest wedding songs ever. God this song is lame. Fetus sings this better than Fogelberg, and he is even more boring. Same performance he has given all season. Lick lip.

Randy hated the song choice, but for the third time tonight says “you can sing the phone book!” Paula gives a simple “lovely”. Simon thought he sang well but the song sucked butt. The tweens throw a burning bottle at his head.

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Ah, wit. You’re on par with Paula tonight, kid. Congrats.

Back from break, Tink announces the AI summer tour (again) and tells two gay dudes that they should buy tickets and go together, or with dates, or whatever their situation calls for. LOL. Someone shouts that he’s talking to Syesha’s dad and he says he knows, which makes the whole thing both worse and more hilarious. Well, it explains the sparkly dresses, but not the lack of emotion. Didn’t this guy have some Sarah Vaughn in the house growing up? Ruth Brown? Nina? Judy? Barbra? Bad gay dad!

Picture 21-1

Papaya calling the banana fruit.

Nigel has chosen “Hit Me Up” for Syesha, which is sung by Gia Ferrel in the movie Happy Feet. Gia’s no vocal genius, but her version has a killer Stomp-ish beat and it’s good times. The band tries to imitate it, but they kinda fail and Syesha steals the Fetus’ awkward off rhythm hip sway, which doesn’t work for her either. She not only looks uncomfortable singing this song, she looks pissed that she’s being forced to sing it. I don’t blame her. I would call it sabotage, but I think Nigel just has zero musical instinct. As if we needed any more proof of how out of touch the producers of this show are. Nigel, have you seen one episode this year? Syesha is not “hip” and “fresh”. She’s accepted it, so should you.

Randy thought it was mediocre, Paula liked Happy Feet, but she didn’t think it was very Syesha and it won’t get her into the finals. Simon thinks it was better than the second song and she had her best moment last week. He adds that she hasn’t had her defining moment, and he’s right, but at least she didn’t compare the plight of the global warming victimized penguins from the cartoon to her own plight in the competition. For that, she deserves improvement points.

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Tell Josh Groban he’s already had his turn.

Nigel has chosen “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith for Cook. That man has his finger on the pulse of the NOW, people, and don’t you forget it. The arrangement is pretty cool at first. The violinists get an A+. Then it switches gears and goes into traditional mode, and it’s hard not to gag myself. Cook does an admirable job, as far as his fake sounding grovel goes, but his last note is waaaaay busted. The audience doesn’t seem to care.

Randy thought it was bore snore, Paula predicts that he will be in the finals (watch out Patricia Arquette) and Simon says that he won the night. Agreed, but his competition wasn’t too stiff. Alright, now. I know this has been one of the grumpiest recaps ever, and I apologize, but damn. I have watched this show from the beginning and have to say, this is one of the lamest top 3 EVER. A child who will be headlining at cool church, a girl who will kill as a singing waitress on a dinner cruise ship, and a hack ass impression of a “rocker”. Am I the only one? Join me next week, when T.Vo and I will be doing the finale together for the first time. That’s gonna be sweet. Oh yeah. T.Vo, do you wanna do the finale together? LOVE

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

33 Comments

  1. 1
    Pegster
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 10:46 am

    I love that Opie Cunningham tried to get FUNKY!! I am still LOLing.

  2. 2
    georgiababe
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 10:53 am

    Okay, before I read the recap, I just gotta say something about the Bartender thing.

    It’s in reference to an AI Extra thing, where DC told shi really bad joke about Pirates. The punchline was “ARRRRR!” complete with arm swing – so both Ryan and DC were playing off that.

    But anyways, more comments from me later, when I actually read it.

  3. 3
    cattyfan
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 10:54 am

    The caption that read “Tell Josh Groban he’s already had his turn” should actually say “Tell this kid ‘High School Musical’ tryouts are on another network.”

    Why didn’t the judges point out the Fetus botched his lyrics AGAIN. Any other contestant would have been crucified…but maybe they figure Daddy does enough of that.

    Syesha was sabatoged with the producers choice. It was unsingable, forgettable, and very few people know it. And why didn’t anyone tell her with the lights behind her, you could see right through the skirt of her first dress? (Or maybe she thought it would get her extra votes.)

    Marvelous recap, as always…but NEVER insult Fogelberg. It’s not HIS fault he had to pander to the masses.

  4. 4
    Stretch Armstrong
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 10:54 am

    “Randy holds his nose and shouts ‘HONKEY!’ ”

    This made me laugh harder than anything I’ve read all week. I think I love you, flipit.

  5. 5
    Stretch Armstrong
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 10:58 am

    “Randy holds his nose and shouts ‘HONKEY!’ ”

    This made me laugh harder than anything I’ve read all week. I think I love you, flipit.

  6. 6
    greeneyes
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 11:26 am

    I laughed long and hard throughout this recap. There were so many ridiculous moments last night and Flipit, bless you, caught them all. The funniest to me was Syesha’s not getting any love from her hometown. I’m used to seeing a massive crowd and some important politician greeting the Idols and telling them the song. Remember when Taylor Hicks got to meet the governor of Alabama who took him on a tour of the mansion? Now two years later, we get Syesha in the back of a car getting a text message. Although it’s more sad than funny, I’m laughing anyway.

  7. 7
    killbondnow
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 11:38 am

    I have a DA voodoo doll outside in a bucket right now. My cat has finished ripping at it with bunny-kicks. Please tell me this will work as well as you guys’ BW doll.

    Only reason I am watching the finale: Praying for a huge full-on gospel backup for “We are Brothers” dude. Seriously. Only reason the TV will be on that channel. They’d better do it.

    Rooting for DC. If DA wins I’m done. I want DA to go home tonight. Hoping it won’t be him in the final because they picked a youngster last time (does ANYONE still think their votes actually count for anything?).

  8. 8
    bigjr6633
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    Oh, Flipit it’s not one of the lamest top 3 ever, it is the most lamest, boring, forgettable top 3 ever. This whole season was lame, after the Top 12 Week, it all went down hill from there. I know people say last season was lackluster, but the top 3 from last year, Jordin, Blake, and Melinda would’ve killed these three.

    Anyway, it’s inevitable that it’s going to be David/David finale, even though nothing would make me happier if David A. gets eliminated, but we know that won’t happen.

    David C. really isn’t doing very much to be considered a legitimate rocker on this show and Syesha, bless her heart, she’s trying so hard and is actually more entertaining the David C. but she really is made for Broadway. David A. is just a boring kid and that’s all he is.

  9. 9
    JasonR
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    Flip, brilliant recap. AI always becomes less fun as it gets toward the end, but your recaps get even funnier and more vicious. Bravo!

    I was cracking up about the hometown visit footage. Do you think they even bothered sending Syesha home to FL, or did they just take her out in the parking lot behind the studio to get that shot? Geez, they couldn’t even draw a crowd for her at her old high school or something?

  10. 10
    Disco suedisco
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    As far as Syesha’s poor hometown reception, I think you really luck out on Idol on that point if you’re from a small town or a smallish city (or the midwest)…I live in DC and I can’t imagine the lack of enthusiasm if someone from the actual city were on idol. I often wonder what it would be like to have Idol do a “this is your life” homecoming piece about me, and then I realize that it would be really sad…and hilarious. “Why yes, I do visit this CVS often. Note it’s proximity to my studio apartment. Also, check out the diner where the manager knows my name because my friends and I drink like fish here and have for 10 years. Don’t forget the old-gay-guy karaoke hangout where I got my singing start. That’s key to my Idol success.” Oy.

  11. 11
    Dp Hooker
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    That Josh Groban kid was insane – the way he’d cheese at the camera and then whip his head over to Seacrest, over and over again. I was mesmerized more by his utter goofiness than by any performance on the show.

  12. 12
    syesha fan
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    I am from Syesha’s hometown and there was a HUGE reception. Why Fox chose not to air any of it is a mystery but there were morning radio/tv interviews, 2 parades in two different towns, a concert at her high school, a concert on the bayfront at the Ringling Museum and the National Anthem at the Rays baseball game. Crowds everywhere were HUGE. Sarasota Florida and all of Tampa Bay made her homecoming spectacular and we’re all very proud – especially in light of the obvious bias these judges have in being sure she doesn’t get to the top 3! Seriously – David A? You must be kidding!

  13. 13
    angelbayyb
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    leona lewis very recently did a cover of “the first time ever i saw your face”.. its on her album
    she is the winner of UK’s version of american idol….

    coincidence? or tryin to get the song some more exposure?

  14. 14
    angelbayyb
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    syesha fan wrote “the judges obviously don’t want her to get into the top 3″

    LOL.

    then what on earth was she doing there last nite? genius…

  15. 15
    baymenxpac
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    beg to differ on lamest top 3 ever (see season 3- jasmine trias, dianna degarmo, fantasia and last season – melinda doolittle, blake lewis, jordan sparks) but there it’s definitely lacking.

    david cook has got to win some props for this much: i know an idol is pretty decent/good if they make me go download some of their performances. the only ones to do so thus far: kelly clarkson, carrie underwood and chris daughtry. i’ll admit i jumped on itunes and snagged ‘eleanor rigby’ ‘hello’, ‘you’ll always be my baby’ and ‘billie jean.’ for that much, i have to give him props.

  16. 16
    juddfan
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    Thank you sooo much for the speedy recap, Flip!!! Sorry to hear of your Through the Screen Door incident.

    Well, it takes a lot to get me all pissy, but AI has finally managed to, it’s like being in a relationship and finding out you’ve been lied to all this time, and you hate yourself for being a delluded fool!!!

    I cannot take another second of Randy Jackson, if he mentions one more name drop I will projectile vomit so hard I’m going to rain on this town till he is drowning in my puke!!! He is COMPLETELY USELESS!!!!!!! Utterly pointess!!!! Screamingly inane!!!! A bobble head with 6 cliche’s could do a better job!!!! IS IT ME!?????

    I don’t know why they are rubbing salt in the inevitable wound that is Syesha’s fate, can’t she just go out without being further crushed by the biased board! I want to string pieces of all of Fetus’ songs together and dare anyone to tell the difference, esp if I focus on the parts where he botches the words, again!!! Cook was flat as a pancake on the second song, Flat-flat-flat, not a little pitchy you cardiganed piece of turd!!! thanks Paula for your revelation that Syesha isn’t going to make it next week–ya think!?

    okay, deep breaths, deep breaths . . .

    So, in the end, I can’t believe that Sy couldn’t bring more emotion to “If I Ain’t got You” such a fantastic song to belt out (albiet tres cliche–another diva song, no Randy, is that what you were criticizing her for all season, you picked a song you thought she would like, ahem)

    I do think David Cook is one of the most innovative of all, but even his act is getting old, still, he’s not boring.

    I wish the PTB the best of luck promoting their puppy, maybe a tie in with Alpo . . .

  17. 17
    timberwolf
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 2:25 pm

    Oil of Olay. That was the commercial. Oil of Frigging Olay. And it took me 20 years of my life to get that commercial out of my head! The first tiiiiiiimmmmme… AAAARRRGH! I can even remember the faces of the 30-year-old women portraying 40-year-old women who look like 30-year-old women. Now I’m going to lie in a corner and suck my thumb, rocking back and forth.

  18. 18
    itchy
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    My dislike for David Cook is so entirely visceral, it must be Truth. First time he came on screen, I already started hoping he’d leave. Not so much for his mishapen head, since that’s not his fault. But the bad hair, the bad beard, and the horrible arrogance of his expression. And that was before he even started to sing.

    As for his singing…pfft. Sorry, he’s just nothing special. At all. Nope. It’s only because he’s up against people even less talented than he is that he appears to be interesting. But he’s not. A dime a dozen.

    I feel sorry for him though. He desperately wants to be taken seriously–but being on this show has seriously harmed his chances of that happening. If he wins, then he’s screwed. He might have a career (though probably not). But no one will ever take him seriously as any kind of artist. And he knows it. So I hope he wins.

    I hate the kid too. He sings like a wheezy chimp. He is the epitome of no soul, no feeling. Poor kid–they should have let him wait a few more years. Oh well, he’ll do great at Disney. And so will his tongue.

  19. 19
    Bloodbath
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    It’s obvious that Syesha is trying to get the horny male vote. I think she should just get down and finger herself or deep throat a banana.

  20. 20
    boris8
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    I agree: Worst Top 3 Ever.
    Conspiracy Theory: I believe that after seasons of abuse like votefortheworst.com and idiots making it through, like Sanjaya, the producers have picked their favorites and have made sure they stay. How else can I explain the mind-boggling ass-kissing to David Archuleta by the judges??? I mean, what’s so freaking special about him? No one calls him out on his errors, as if they’re being blackmailed or something, and they totally over-exaggerate on how good he is. Even Simon plays along! WTF is going on??? He doesn’t sing any better than anyone else at this point and has NO PERSONALITY. Whenever he’s asked to speak, he gives lame, empty responses on how he “liked the song” or “enjoyed singing” it. He’s like an AI-generated robot who will hopefully short-circuit during the finale and finally make it all worthwhile. In the meantime, I’ll have to accept having to watch his dead-eyed, Curious George face and imagine him holding a banana.

  21. 21
    georgiababe
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    I am the one who said “What’s with all the Cook hate?”

    Because I LOVE that man. Seriously. I don’t understand how people keep getting this impression that he’s a stuck up, arrogant jerk. I have never interpreted his smiles and movements and whatever as anything but humble – I mean, did you SEE him break down in KC? It was so sweet.

    And I am sorry, but I think that Cook is SMOKIN’. I love his hair, love his beard and just. Yum.

    I told you I love that man.

    And by the way, in my first comment, “shi” is supposed to be “this”. No idea how I did that.

  22. 22
    georgiababe
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 8:24 pm

    Oh, ALSO, Cook’s second song wasn’t his first choice. He picked one by Collective Soul, but they told him on Sunday night that he couldn’t have it – dumb on their part, I must say. I mean, look at the publicity that Cornell has gotten.

    ANYHOO, I know his second song wasn’t great, but he’s got a bit of an excuse, since CS are a bunch of asses.

    ALSO – for people who say that Cook isn’t original because they’re not all his covers: he took the initiative to go out and find a way to work the songs to suit his style. A lot of rockers in the past will completely bite it during country week and then blame it on the fact that they don’t sing country. But not Cookie.

    And, you have to admit, Cookie plays a MEAN guitar.

  23. 23
    itchy
    Posted May 14, 2008 at 11:46 pm

    Heh heh, georgia, well, they do say that love is blind…nothing about tonedeaf, though. The guy sings as well as my shoe. All his vocal ‘riffs’ come straight from the 1990s.

    His guitar playing is very basic (that’s okay, he’s a singer)–the good stuff you hear is played by the other guy in the backgound.

    But to each his own…the guy is going to need people like you to help pick up the pieces when his career goes nowhere.

    I agree, they could have cast Archuleta in the Curious George movie. Or maybe this is the same monkey?

  24. 24
    jelliepair
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 6:55 am

    Great recap – I enjoyed it much better than the show this week (and last week…)

    Just in case anyone cares, in that picture that showed Justin Guarini, they were actually showing Emily VanCamp who plays Rebecca on Brothers and Sisters. I think he just happened to be a couple rows behind her and saw his opporutnity to eye rape the camera.

    In a battle of the two davids, I will pick emo-dave over fetus-dave every time. I had enough of David A.’s souless blank look and emphysemic breathing week one.

  25. 25
    lickitysplit
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 8:32 am

    This the first episode of AI that I’ve watched since there were 10 of them.. and I’m so glad I made the choice to just follow the recaps and not get any more involved. This show is getting worse and worse!

    Cook is going to win. The producers know that the DA money will dry up pretty fast (girls don’t stay 12 forever) and they missed out on the Daughtry money train when they picked lame Katherine McPhee.

    Awesome recap, by the way. I was confused by the lack of Syesha love as well, especially since her homecoming was all over the gossip shows. This show is so biased.. LOL!

  26. 26
    lickitysplit
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 8:34 am

    Or was Chris Daughtry the Jordin Sparks season? They’re all running together now.

  27. 27
    narcissistic
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 10:16 am

    lickitysplit, actually Chris Daughtry was in the season with Katherine McPhee. However, Chris was third to Katherine McPhee and Taylor Hick(s?). He’s like..an eighty year old David Archuleta. :]

  28. 28
    fire@will
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 11:19 am

    I feel absolutely confident that David will win.

    I seldom get tingly listening to any of the final three, but I thought Syesha was much easier to look at. (Maybe it’s a dirty old man thing.)

    It sucks that the judges and producers can do so much to influence the voters (and that even assumes that the votes are honestly tallied).

    I can’t say that I’m exciting (at all) about the finale. I may even skip it and just enjoy the recap.

  29. 29
    juddfan
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 11:41 am

    georgiababe, how cute that you gots the hots!!! Itchy, it’s all a matter of taste, I’m all for letting the peeps who like the Cook supporting him all the way, same for Archie. I appreciate his creativity, and he rocked the guitar on Daytripper, whether it was mirrored by the other guy or not. Best thing this year has been the band, eh!?

    Looks like they’re going to revamp the show, anyone care to weigh in on changes–I don’t think they can fire anyone, but as stated, my position on that is clear, but I would like to see more behind the scenes footage, like on axe night, instead of group numbers and other lameosities–could be more telling about who’s working and who’s slumming–they could make the voting more exciting too, maybe tally during the show and reveal the stakes going into post show voting. How bout letting us pick the 24 too–no more cannon fodder, lets give em all a fighting chance!

  30. 30
    georgiababe
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 4:13 pm

    ACTUALLY, you’re all wrong.

    Chris Daughtry was fourth, Elliot Yamin was third, Katherine McPhee came second and then Taylor Hicks won it all.

    And none of them have done anything except Daughtry.

  31. 31
    smaile
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 4:24 pm

    Syesha’s dress in the first number made her boobs look like they were on her stomach. horrible look, unless you are someone’s mom singing on the top of a pool table at a christmas party. lol. i’m not voting for mom either.

  32. 32
    juddfan
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 5:14 pm

    I see were waiting for our new recap!

    georgiababe, your order is right, but Elliot released an indie record that had a top 10 hit, and sold well, considering, Hicks and McPhee’s records were released but not promoted and did as you ‘d expect with no push.

    I think Elliot is still my fave of all time on the show, and he’s working on a new record, I hear, hopefully a bit more done than his first, which was just aiight (oh God, was that a randyism! ugh!)

    Simon is saying he wants14 year olds to improve the show . . . is he soft or what!? How lame would a top 10 of children be . . . why not just do Disney’s next top star . . .

  33. 33
    georgiababe
    Posted May 15, 2008 at 11:58 pm

    14 year olds? Are you KIDDING? Ugh. That would be TERRIBLE.

    Personally, I think they should RAISE the age, like frmo 20-30.

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