Tonight we get three times the magic! Three times the excitement! Three times the thrills! As any mathematician can tell you, three times zero is zero. Call PETA and arrange a truck to the glue factory, cuz this horse is just about beaten dead. THIS. Is American Idol!
Tell us a story, Paw!
Tink comes out and walks down the plank, narrating the struggles of the final three. Last Summer, these three auditioned for their chance at SUPASTAHDOM. A Fetus straight out of the womb, a local Florida used car commercial hustler actress, and a coneheaded special needs looking bartender. He stops to growl out the word “bartender” like it’s the manliest job ever invented. Too much Cocktail, Tink?
Can’t you just taste the testosterone?
The Fetus smiles blankly at the crowd, Cook smiles at himself, and Syseha eye humps the camera while Tink does a Nemo impression.
We get it, the world’s a fish bowl.
You know it’s a huge season coming to a close when we get a pan of the star studded audience. Nigel pulled out all the stops on this one, people. Look! It’s Marilu Henner, staring at her own cubix ring! And the little Gaysian from Entourage (or Margaret Cho after a three day bender, I can’t tell). And Justin Guarini, who actually thinks the camera is focused on him when it’s so getting him by accident. LOL Guarini. This ain’t the TVGuide Channel awards. And either cut your hair or accept it the way it is. The relaxer makes you look like poor Little Orphan Annie stuck out in the rain. Sad horns. Oh yeah, love ya Just!
This sparkling year is almost over, but some questions I’ve had only intensify tonight. Is Randy Jackson wearing a muumuu? How many pounds does Paula’s wig weigh? Seriously, it gets bigger every week. And will anyone catch on to Simon’s attempt to start a new attempted hair style fad?
The Butt Crack: Coming to a mid-life crisis near you.
Stay tuned! Hopefully we will get answers to all these questions and more. Tonight the theme is sink or swim. The judges have picked a song for the contestants, Nigel’s picked one, and the kids have chosen one for themselves.
Judge’s Choice will be round 1, and the Fetus is up first. We start with footage from his visit home. I know I have made fun of his trashy egomaniacal asswipe of a father all year for dressing like a slob every night, but he looks like Hugo Boss flew in and personally dressed him compared to the handlebar mustached Mayor Snar of Murray City, Utah. I know it’s illegal to burn American flags, but….
I’ll git choo, ya little rascal!
Paula chose the Fetus’ song, and she writes a letter to Mayor Snar to read at the inbred cracker function in town square. She signed the letter “Forever Your Girl, Paula”. LOL. I love that she just assumes any man would get a boner for her in that video from two decades ago. Paula Abdul, never change. “And So it Goes” by Billy Joel is her choice, and I fully expect her to congratulate the boy on a beautiful rendition of “Pop Goes the Weasel” when he’s done singing it tonight.
Question: How do you feel about the song choice, kid? Answer: Deep in and out wheezing and blank smile. Blink blink. Great! Let’s get to it! Fetus takes the stage in another plastic jacket and one of Tink’s skinny ties. FYI, skinny ties do not lengthen you. Some bs artist of a tailor made that up to unload them at the end of the eighties, but the notion is still around today. Fetus does his usual performance. He sings the song beautifully, doesn’t miss a note, and makes my eyes well up with yawn tears. Beautiful and bore snore. He sticks out his tongue at the end and I search his eyes for a bit of playfulness even though I know by now that he did it because still no one has thought to buy the kid a tin of Burt’s Bee’s Wax. He has the fattest tongue I’ve ever seen. I don’t think I’ve ever ragged on someone’s tongue before, but damn, This one earned it.
It looks like he’s blowing a skin bubble.
Randy loved the song choice and says the same thing as he has said every week, “you can sing anything”. If he had ended that sentence with “exactly as you’ve sung everything else”, I would totally agree. Paula called him a pure and stunning storyteller (??), and Simon says it was good and predictable. Little girls from the mosh pit scream and argue with him, and he calls them all botched abortions.
Since Idol Gives Back was a semi-flop this year, the Judges try and get money from us by holding Tink for ransom when we come back from break.
Still no donations? Kids in Africa aren’t getting little crayon boxes this year.
Needless to say, the phones don’t ring. Nice try, AI! Now for the saddest part of the show, well, except for the part where Tink got beheaded on national TV…
PAUSE. OMG this has nothing to do with the show, so skip this paragraph if you can’t handle it. I have one of those big metal screen doors with a lock on it and I keep my front door open so that I can chain smoke. This homeless dude just came up to the door and started banging and then mumbled something drunkenly. I went up and said huh? Speak up, tiger, I’m very busy. “Does Ewic Hillewman livwe hewah?” No now f off. It’s 1:45 AM biatch. Then he practically crawled back down the stairs. This has nothing to do with anything, but Jesus H. Christ. What is the world coming to? Don’t move to E Hollywood. It’s exactly as my Meemaw used to describe Hell. And Eric Hillerman, call your homeless father please. He’s scaring the neighbors.
OK sorry bout that, but there is no one else to tell. As I was saying, the most depressing part of the night is Syesha getting her assignment. Why is it sad? Because there is no town hall party where Tampa locals get together and support her, no awkward fug mayor with a handlebar mustache, no beer bellied dad in a stained t shirt and a golf hat. Just Syesha, alone in the back of a limo, getting a text message from Randy. Her song choice is “If Not Even Your Hometown Likes You”, by Alicia Keys. She must have written that after her comments about how rap music was invented by white people to bring the black man down. I think this would be a good time as any to say Alicia, shut the fuck up. Don’t blame “I Like Big Butts” on me.
She’s really singing “If I Ain’t Got You”, and I LOVE THIS SONG. First the good. Syesha’s vocal confidence has grown week to week and she really nails this one…vocally. Unfortunately, she is singing about being desperately in love and not being able to live without her man, and instead of putting any kind of emotion into the song she smiles her face off and makes cruise shippy grimaces at the camera. Again, if I closed my eyes, this performance would be near perfect. The worst part is her dress. If Michael Kors from Project Runway was here, he would call her look MOB, or Mother of the Bride. A two piece glittery formal two piece. And the two pieces don’t match. The bottom is goldish silver and the top is silver silver. OY. Who is dressing these kids this season? To sum it up, Syesha’s performance was horribly dressed and mismatched, but it sounded real perty.I know Syesha doesn’t have many fans around here, but vocally she kicked Alicia Keys’ ass on that one.
I’d like to dedicate this to my daughter’s new husband.
Randy loved it. He is happy that she’s finally peaking. Paula says she’s proud that she’s a woman and still treading water, and Simon begrudgingly compliments her and disses Randy’s song choice. And he loves the MOB dress. Most unflattering dress ever. How low can her boobs be? Isn’t she like 20? She tells Tink that she’s no longer nervous and now just enjoys being herself. Dammit I wish her personality didn’t annoy the hell out of me.
David Cook is up next and he gets to hang out with some real winners on the Kansas City 5AM newscast. When he gets a text from Simon (SO not planned) the girl newscaster almost pees herself. Simon has chosen “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”, which was popularized by Roberta Flack. Huh? Nice one, Simon’s personal assistant. It’s actually probably a great choice, because you know Cook will go all crazy with it and make it sound like a song you would turn off every time it came on the office friendly adult contemporary station you listen to at work, but still know every word to because you can’t escape it. Man, I already resent Cook’s career and it hasn’t even begun yet.
And now, David Cook from American Idol will demonstrate the laser cellulite removal system. Oh yeah, and there was an earthquake in China.
Simon says that it’s a very difficult song and unlike Randy he wanted to inspire some originality with his choice. He adds that so many of his girlfriends have said that the song reminds them of him, and you know he’s full of shit. Simon doesn’t date girls old enough to know what the hell this song is. Tink makes a gay joke about Simon wanting to do Cook, and all I can think about is his hag,Teri Hatcher, singing live on Idol Gives Back. I don’t know why.
This is one of those songs that had me playing “Name That Commercial”. Tampons? Foot Cream? I don’t know, but I am sure that I avoided buying whatever product it was. Cook does his usual growelly wow OMG it’s so rock and roll now cuz it’s slower and more emo. Whatevs. He sounded very nice, and the song was retarded. The audience went crazy, and so did I, but in a different way. I just covered my ears and mumbled “why?” over and over again, like Rain Man.
The first time ever I saw your face, I pooed my pants.
The best part was that Ashley Furl the crying girl is all grown up now and came back to stand through the song and cry. Man, time flies.
This show is making us all old.
Randy didn’t like Simon’s gay ass song choice, and Paula reminds them that this is about David, who totally agrees with her. She says he’s her second favorite person to sing that song. Ouch. Coming from Paula, that’s a throat stab. Simon, of course, loved it and said it was the best song choice ever. Anyone else glad Judge’s Choice is officially done? What a bunch of yahoos. Roberta Flack. Good lord. Wait, I think it was a Summer’s Eve commercial. Zale’s diamonds? Moving on.
Time for contestant’s choice. Fetus has chosen “With You” by Chris Brown, because he wanted to sing something “more youthful”. Oh God, I can’t wait to see his father’s idea of “youthful”. Sorry, Roberta Flack was already taken. I don’t remember ever hearing this song, and when Fetus opens with “Hey boo” I fall out of my chair. LOL white boy. He tries to get…”funky” is the best way I can describe it, and it’s f ing HILARIOUS. He kind of rocks back and forth and tries to wave his hand in the air on the off beat, but he just can’t do it and even forgets his lyrics (again) as he tries. Oh man. This hurts.
He has some really nice riffs and his voice is as sweet as ever, but I had to watch it a second time to even get that, because at first all I heard were awkward hip swings and “please daddy don’t hit me!” At least he didn’t try to smash the lyrics to the Titanic theme in there. Randy holds his nose and shouts “HONKEY!”, Paula kisses his ass, and Simon says it was like watching a Chihuaua trying to be a tiger. L. O. L. The screaming tweens are out of control and almost burn the judges alive on this one. If Rodney King had had supporters this rabid, there would be no LA.
My boo booooooooooooo
Syesha will be singing “Fever”. Oh for crying out. Really? You’re in the top three and this is what you choose? Contestants choice is pretty telling about what you’re gonna get if you vote for the singer, and all I can think about when I hear this song is my mom slurring drunkenly on top of a friend’s pool table at a Christmas karaoke party a few years back. Hint: I am so not voting for my mom.
Syesha is wearing another, sluttier MOB glitter bead dress, and she is going to use a chair. I was hoping she would stand on it and fall, but no such luck. She plays with the rhythm of the song and again her voice is good, but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. If Nyquil picked this version up for a commercial I wouldn’t be surprised. I know this is the second time I have brought up ad music, but it seems like that’s what they’re going for this year. Randy disses her song choice but thinks she sang it very well. Paula calls her pretty (ouch) and then says the song sucked it. It doesn’t show who “Syesha is as an artist“. Sure it does. She’s a beautiful girl who smiles a lot, sings perty, annoys you with her “personality” and then tries to sell you a used car. What’s not to get? Simon says that she’ll regret it because she wasn’t contemporary. That’s something coming from the guy who chose a Roberta Flack song. I will just not ever be ok with that.
This 2002 Honda Civic will get your temperature rising, but only if you buy before Sunday Sunday Sunday!
The girls go nuts when Tink announces that Cook has chosen Switchfoot, and Cook turns to the screamers and deadpans “You’ve heard of it? Alright.” Slight eye roll. He’s right that no one knows what he’s talking about and they’re just yelling because they’re horny and young, but it’s kind of amusing that he’s annoyed by that. I’m sorry Cook. You’re here because of your completely original sound. Happy? He will be one of those people who becomes rich and bitter and drunk because everyone loves him but no one “gets” him.
He says he chose the song because “it wraps up this experience. Welcome to the planet, welcome to existence, everyone’s here, and as you said being a (Tink trying to be butch imitation) bartender, it just made sense.” Can someone please tell me what the hell any of that meant?
Tink is sitting in Syesha’s prop chair and Cook is on a stool, which is perfect because he gets to deliver his nonsensical monologue while looking down on someone. One of you asked in the comments “Flipit, why the Cook hate?” I wouldn’t call it hate, I would call it a strong distaste. And to answer, I don’t know. I just follow my instincts. That said, I got lost driving to my own apartment today (not kidding), so I can’t really defend my instincts. All I can tell you is that he makes me want to pull of my skin.
The song is “Dare You To Move”. “Everybody’s watching for you now. Everyone’s waiting for you now. What happens now?” This song is basically Cook saying that he’s gonna dare himself to be the supastah that he is. The ironic thing is, he’s wobbly and off key the whole time, which is kinda rare for him. I dare you not to suck so hard, how bout it? Randy says that his friend produced the song and Cook was pitchy. Paula thought it was badly condensed, and Simon thought it was a crap song and a mediocre round altogeher. Cook is, as usual, totally humble.
Thank you for your totally inaccurate opinion.
Nigel’s choice! The Fetus has been given “Longer” by Dan Fogelburg. I love that the judges are always saying The Fetus needs to be more contemporary and then Nigel goes and assigns him one of the corniest wedding songs ever. God this song is lame. Fetus sings this better than Fogelberg, and he is even more boring. Same performance he has given all season. Lick lip.
Randy hated the song choice, but for the third time tonight says “you can sing the phone book!” Paula gives a simple “lovely”. Simon thought he sang well but the song sucked butt. The tweens throw a burning bottle at his head.
Ah, wit. You’re on par with Paula tonight, kid. Congrats.
Back from break, Tink announces the AI summer tour (again) and tells two gay dudes that they should buy tickets and go together, or with dates, or whatever their situation calls for. LOL. Someone shouts that he’s talking to Syesha’s dad and he says he knows, which makes the whole thing both worse and more hilarious. Well, it explains the sparkly dresses, but not the lack of emotion. Didn’t this guy have some Sarah Vaughn in the house growing up? Ruth Brown? Nina? Judy? Barbra? Bad gay dad!
Papaya calling the banana fruit.
Nigel has chosen “Hit Me Up” for Syesha, which is sung by Gia Ferrel in the movie Happy Feet. Gia’s no vocal genius, but her version has a killer Stomp-ish beat and it’s good times. The band tries to imitate it, but they kinda fail and Syesha steals the Fetus’ awkward off rhythm hip sway, which doesn’t work for her either. She not only looks uncomfortable singing this song, she looks pissed that she’s being forced to sing it. I don’t blame her. I would call it sabotage, but I think Nigel just has zero musical instinct. As if we needed any more proof of how out of touch the producers of this show are. Nigel, have you seen one episode this year? Syesha is not “hip” and “fresh”. She’s accepted it, so should you.
Randy thought it was mediocre, Paula liked Happy Feet, but she didn’t think it was very Syesha and it won’t get her into the finals. Simon thinks it was better than the second song and she had her best moment last week. He adds that she hasn’t had her defining moment, and he’s right, but at least she didn’t compare the plight of the global warming victimized penguins from the cartoon to her own plight in the competition. For that, she deserves improvement points.
Tell Josh Groban he’s already had his turn.
Nigel has chosen “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith for Cook. That man has his finger on the pulse of the NOW, people, and don’t you forget it. The arrangement is pretty cool at first. The violinists get an A+. Then it switches gears and goes into traditional mode, and it’s hard not to gag myself. Cook does an admirable job, as far as his fake sounding grovel goes, but his last note is waaaaay busted. The audience doesn’t seem to care.
Randy thought it was bore snore, Paula predicts that he will be in the finals (watch out Patricia Arquette) and Simon says that he won the night. Agreed, but his competition wasn’t too stiff. Alright, now. I know this has been one of the grumpiest recaps ever, and I apologize, but damn. I have watched this show from the beginning and have to say, this is one of the lamest top 3 EVER. A child who will be headlining at cool church, a girl who will kill as a singing waitress on a dinner cruise ship, and a hack ass impression of a “rocker”. Am I the only one? Join me next week, when T.Vo and I will be doing the finale together for the first time. That’s gonna be sweet. Oh yeah. T.Vo, do you wanna do the finale together? LOVE