American Idol: Donna Summer Wins

Hey! T.Vo and Flipit here with a live blog of the finale! HOLLAAAAA!!! And now! For the last time this season! THIS! Is American Idol!

Spoiler alert! Donna Summer wins!

T. VO: Hooray!

FLIPIT: HOLLER!!!!! I can’t believe it. It’s our first live blog together.

T.VO: At least we’ve met in real life, so this isn’t like, “To Catch a Predator.”

FLIPIT: Thank you for saying that, in case there are any FBI agents spying on this chat. You look ten years old.

T.VO: “You want a martini, little girl? Get into my creepy white van.”

FLIPIT: Instead of diddling you I forced you to write recaps.

T.VO: And here we are.

FLIPIT: Sweetest friend biography ever. So who do you think is gonna win?

T.VO: Sadly, Fetus. But that doesn’t make for good TV unless his dad goes bizzonkers.

FLIPIT: You think Cooke deserves it? Meh.

T.VO: Cook has more staying power as a musician/artist, but I don’t think he can overcome the Mormon/tweenybopper voting bloc who call in at least four times each.

FLIPIT: Well, Cook does have georgiababe.

T.VO: True.

FLIPIT: Fetus will move in on Josh Groban’s crowd. We may not ever hear of him, but he’s a huge success. At least my great aunt Gloria says so.

T.VO: Aunt Gloria would gush over Fetus and then never buy any of his new-fangled CD’s or figure out what an MP3 is.

FLIPIT: She flew here to see him in concert! And I’m sure she would have bought a record if they’d been selling one!

T.VO: Cook should win.

FLIPIT: There are enough off key faux rock singers already. I see those tools and their ironic tees sitting around in Starbucks all day long staring at a wall and introverting. Get a job!

T.VO: But aren’t there enough precocious poptartlets in HWood as well?

FLIPIT: We take talented robotic little pretty babies and put them in cages here. They are what keeps the money flowing through town. We cherish them. You can never have enough precocious pop tartlets!

T.VO: You’re scaring me.

FLIPIT: Sorry. He’s at least kinda humble and honest, ya know?

T.VO: His dad just makes it unappetizing. There’s an entire reality show dedicated to stage parents, right? If Fetus had been a girl, he could’ve ended up like JonBenét .

FLIPIT: The kid’s boring as church, but he seems kinda real.

T.VO: There’s only so many times you can look like a baby deer tranquilized by an elephant dart run over by a Zamboni. And Cook’s real. He cried too. Like Hillary.

FLIPIT: And look how well it worked out for her.

T.VO: Fetus is a well-polished, rehearsed little man bot.

FLIPIT: A bot that can make old people cry!

T.VO: Remember the Santa Monica Farmer’s Market Massacre, where the old man “accidentally” ran over all those people?

FLIPIT: That was so not an accident. That was angry old man syndrome. I’m so getting that. I don’t believe for one second he thought he was stepping on the brakes as he ran over thirty something people. He’d just had ENOUGH.

T.VO: I just got a bike today, and if I were to be hit by someone while riding the sidewalk, it would be an old person in a Caddy and they’d be blasting Fetus’s song. They’d get distracted an run up the curb thinking it was a parking spot. Or the ice cream truck,in a twist of irony.

FLIPIT: LOLolollll congrats on the bike.

T.VO: Or Charlotte Church, before she got knocked up.

FLIPIT: Or Josh Groban! OK it’s about to start. Are you ready for the last two hours of American Idol in 2008?

T.VO: Wait, this is 2 hours? I could’ve gotten 8 cavities filled during this time.

FLIPIT: Don’t worry, it will probably sound like you are doing just that.

The show opens with the Davids staring each other down.

You’re hot. No, You are!

T.VO: It looks like they should make out. MAKE OUT!!! MAKE OUT!!!

FLIPIT: You blinked first, Cook! Fetus wins! They’re both in white. It’s like the final Cylons are meeting for the first time.

T.VO: But first, they have to get communion and go into the confessional. Then play altar boys.

FLIPIT: Or change a bedpan. The costumer saw Amanda in her work uniform and was like I smell a finale theme!

T.VO: Wow, Tink is taller than someone. Yay for him.

T.VO: Is that…Holly Robinson Peet in the crowd?!

FLIPIT: Maria Shriver! A LIST ONLY!!! Where’s Carrot Top?

Tink tells us that the voting record was smashed this year.

T.VO: Democracy in America is dead.

FLIPIT: Votes schmotes. Tink has been playing with new eyeliner and I can’t get past it. I think Teri Hatcher is behind that choice.

FLIPIT: 97 million votes?!?!?!?!?!?

T.VO: I know for a fact HugoStop’s mom voted four times. (For Fetus.)

FLIPIT: HA Fetus it is!

T.VO: (She voted for Fetus)

Tink intros the judges.

FLIPIT: Oh man that jacket hurts to look at.

T.VO: Randy is dressed as the Candy Man, obviously.

FLIPIT: The one from the horror flick.

Tink shows us a live feed of a giant crowd in Kansas City. Mikalah Gordon hosts.

T.VO: I want to see the craigslist ad for the Kansas City Idol Rally.

T.VO: “Free beers, hookers!”

T.VO: “JK, it’s for David Cook.”

FLIPIT: Don’t worry we’ve still got free hookers. Mikalah Gordon is hosting. I wonder if she ever bought mom that boob job.

We switch to Utah, where Matt Rogers hosts.

T.VO: Matt Rogers looks like he’s going to have a heart attack.

FLIPIT: That’s the most white blonde people I have ever seen in one place.

The Top Twelve take the stage and sing “Get Ready”.

T.VO: Wow, can a song turn you gay? Because um…

FLIPIT: Yeah. “Maybe This Time” did it to me.

T.VO: (sighs in horror.) Wow.

FLIPIT: Even the stars of SYTYCD can’t make this choreography ok.

T.VO: So much white. It’s a representation of Utah. Spoiler?

FLIPIT: It’s like Heaven, only gayer and whiter.

T.VO: Like Heaven in “Grease,” but greasier.

FLIPIT: “Beauty School Dropout” should be the AI theme song.

T.VO: I hope it’s not anyone’s time of the month.

FLIPIT: Ew! And true, that would suck

T.VO: This performance is an ad for Tampax, right?

FLIPIT: They’re playing the song so fast! Guess what? Making this song faster doesn’t help it NOT SUCK

T.VO: More cowbell!

FLIPIT: AMANDA!!!!

FLIPIT: I’ve missed her! That girl don’t give a FUCK.

T.VO: Was that just the poor man’s Janice Dickinson in the audience?

FLIPIT: Sandra Bullock or Janis Dickinson?

T.VO: I hope it’s Sandra Bullock so she can drive a bus loaded with a bomb onto the stage.

FLIPIT: Rich white ladies get too much plastic surgery. They all look like Teri Hatcher now.

T.VO: www.alllooksame.com but with white people.

FLIPIT: HAHAH Asian people don’t look all the same. Maybe if you all had the same haircut…

T.VO: Bowlcuts? I prefer to look like an anime character. I wonder if we get the same commercials while watching in different cities?

FLIPIT: Minute Maid.

T.VO: Minute Maid. Angels love Minute Maid!

FLIPIT: If you want to go to Heaven, you will drink Minute Maid.

T.VO: Now it’s Indiana Jones.

FLIPIT: Harrison Ford looks like someone stepped on his face.

T.VO: Now it’s the Old Navy commercial that knows I hate it.

FLIPIT: I want the old TV stars back in these ads.

T.VO: Yeah! Stop trying to peddle a $19.50 halter top, Old Navy! I want Performance Fleece jingles!

T.VO: And that old lady with the glasses and the dog.

FLIPIT: “I totally got dressed up for our fancy dinner. Old Navy, you like?”

FLIPIT: And she wonders why he only takes her to The Olive Garden.

Back from commercials, “Hero” plays. Cook sings and Fetus joins him.

T.VO: We should be drunk. I didn’t know this was gonna be two hours of Nickelback.

FLIPIT: Cook always sounds like he’s trying to clear his throat. I guess that’s the point though, no? He didn’t sound like that on ALWebber night.

T.VO: He chose that night to gargle.

T.VO: You have to admit, Fetus is super-awkward with the choreography. He has never progressed past the middle school dance.

FLIPIT: He just learned to walk, get off his case!

T.VO: You love the Fetus! Fetus-lover!

FLIPIT: I don’t love either of them but we picked sides at the beginning of this chat and I am sticking with my pick! Fetus for the DOLLAS!

FLIPIT: And come on, he sounds like 30 times better than Cook.

T.VO: I feel like I’m picking between Kerry and Kerry.

FLIPIT: Totally! I was just gonna say this is how I feel about the election. Which one will make the world hate us the least?

T.VO: Fetus’ vocals are cleaner, but he looks like he wants to go home. Well, his vocals were cleaner until that big fat flat note toward the end.

FLIPIT: He had some placenta stuck in his throat. Anyway, he doesn’t wanna go home! There’s no ban on his dad there.

The song comes to an end and the audience goes nuts.

FLIPIT: Fetus wanted to hug and Cook was like oh hell no don’t mess up my plastic jacket. It tears easily.

Tink tells us that the boys had time to meet with a spiritual advisor.

T.VO: Guru?! Did they go to yoga?

FLIPIT: I’m crossing my fingers for Susan Powter!

T.VO: Pitka? OH NO.

FLIPIT: Is it Teri Hatcher??

T.VO: Mike Meyers is the new Jim Carrey.

FLIPIT: The new old Jim Carrey. Old Jim Carrey was the funny one. New Jim Carrey is an ACTORRR.

Mike Myers goes on to plug his heavily accented, wacky summer movie.

T.VO: Indian people everywhere cringe.

FLIPIT: This is slightly less painful than Robin Williams’ schtick on Idol Gives Back, but only slightly.

FLIPIT: Of course Jessica Alba is his love interest. I. Am so. Sure.

T.VO: Let’s exploit Mini-Me. Summer hilarity!

FLIPIT: Yay midgets! Fetus has a role model now.

The guys are asked how they liked the movie, and Fetus says “I loved the weird sitar sounds.”

FLIPIT: Poor Fetus is always struggling to find something to say. How did you like the movie? Smile, blink, “sitar?” Giggle giggle blink blink.

T.VO: Sitar Hero! Offending brown people since 2008.

T.VO: I think this movie could cause Yogis to revolt. After they put their mats down gently.

FLIPIT: Quietest revolution ever.

Mike Myers gives the guys advice.

T.VO: He told Cook what I always say. “You’re on TV for godsake! Shave!”

FLIPIT: : “It’s not the 90′s. Last time I saw facial hair like that I was at a Melrose Place party listening to Alice in Chains on my discman.” LOLOLLLL. Mike Myers won me over forever with that line.

FLIPIT: PS – I’m still not going to that crap movie, though.

T.VO: Ravi Shankar would kill him. You know, the legendary sitar player. Norah Jones is his illegitimate daughter. True story.

FLIPIT: How do you know all this stuff? Do you ever sleep?

Now Mike Myers is actually on stage.

FLIPIT: More Mike Myers? Come on now. All he needs is a swiffer sweeper and a big plastic cup of Coke to sip while he parades around in a giant Ford cap to completely sell out.

Mike Myers tells Randy “you are my dog.” Randy replies in the usual Randy way. Dawk yeeeah and baby.

T.VO: Randy’s stuffed talking doll will come out soon, with four phrases on loop: “You’re molten hawt, baby!”, “I wasn’t jumpin’ up and down but I wasn’t mad at you either, yo.”, “You could sing the phone book, dawg!”

FLIPIT: : Don’t forget “Who’s getting lunch? I’m hongry.” And how original! A gay joke barbed at Simon!

T.VO: Wow. Mike Myers made Simon laugh. This show is over, right?

FLIPIT: I was expecting that horrified look he gave Fantasia last week. I want Fantasia back!

T.VO: I want her to come on stage and hump Mike Myers and then cluck across the stage.

FLIPIT: : Dammit why isn’t he leaving? I blame Mike Myers for this show lasting two hours.

T.VO: Seacrest looks haggardly orange.

FLIPIT: But his eyes sure are stunning tonight.

Streak free eyeliner.

Finally, Mike Myers leaves and Syesha comes onstage to sing with Seal.

T.VO: Sassy Syesha. She looks like a woman scorned. Like in “Waiting to Exhale”.

FLIPIT: LOL. Anger looks good on her. She’s loose and having a good time and she has boob support

T.VO: How soon before she tosses a match into the audience and struts away?

FLIPIT: If she had performed like this earlier on the show she would still be on it. I think rejection was good for her.

T.VO: Maybe she’s just drunk. Like we should be.

Seal comes out.

T.VO: It’s not Seal IS IT?!

FLIPIT: That’s the butchest I’ve seen Seal in ages.

T.VO: I always imagine Victoria’s Secret Angel Wings on him.

FLIPIT: I always imagine Heidi telling him to pick up his pink thong off the bathroom floor.

T.VO: I’m sure it’s bedazzled.

They start duetting, and it is a little off there for awhile.

FLIPIT: Is that harmony?

T.VO: Or just bad melody? I can’t tell which.

FLIPIT: I blame Seal.

T.VO: I think I would have liked this song more if it has some kind of identifiable melody line.

FLIPIT: You’re asking a lot from Seal.

The song ends. Shots of audience members.

T.VO: WHO ARE THESE RANDOM PEOPLE?!?

FLIPIT: I think they’re famous, but I don’t know how or why.

A commercial for the Mike Myers movie comes on.

T.VO: Mike Myers again?

FLIPIT: Seriously, Mike Myers! Stop it!

FLIPIT: YAY MIDGETS! AGAIN!

A McDonald’s commercial comes on.

T.VO: Midgets segues into McDonald’s. Now that’s a thru-line!

FLIPIT: Fetus already got a commercial!

T.VO: Yeah, McDonald’s is great for your kids. Nothing says stunted growth and a miserable childhood like a Happy Meal full of diabetes!

FLIPIT: : Diabetes: I’m lovin’ it!

Back from commercials, Castro is up to sing “Hallelujah”

FLIPIT: : Tink called him the worst interview ever. LOL.

T.VO: He needs a speech therapist.

FLIPIT: And a book or two. Ah, he did a beautiful job on this song. And I have no need to hear it again tonight. Tick tock, Castro.

T.VO: He should be holding a prayer candle, no?

FLIPIT: : I can’t help but wonder how he’s gonna sing in twenty years if he’s scrunching in pain during freakin Hallelujah.

T.VO: Singing in twenty years? You’re generous.

FLIPIT: He’ll be singing somewhere. Even if it’s just in his house while he does the dishes.

Teri Hatcher, what a surprise.

Clips of all the Ford commercials.

FLIPIT: And now, for “How We Will Follow You and Embarrass You For the Rest of Your Lives” montage.

T.VO: A pastiche of every single Ford commercial. It’s a commercial made of commercials.

FLIPIT: I am sorry to say this again, but why is this two hours?

T.VO: Because God hates us.

Ryan presents the Davids with…hubrid SUVs from…FORD!

FLIPIT: : Congratulations! You won a mom car!

T.VO: His mom’s cheering. HEH.

FLIPIT: You’ll get it when you’re taller. Until then MINE! ALL MIIIIINE!!

Tink intros a melody of Donna Summer.

FLIPIT: : DONNA SUMMER?

T.VO: Why do the girls all look like tranny hookers?

T.VO: “Oh, they just grouped all the loser chicks together.” – my boyfriend

FLIPIT: : Yay lame group disco review. Amanda looks delightfully uncomfortable in this.

FLIPIT: I can’t type because I am lmao at her.

FLIPIT: Brooke still fills me with a certain kind of rage I can’t pinpoint.

T.VO: She still hasn’t mastered the box step.

FLIPIT: And she’s the only one wearing hot pink instead of red. Woops, my bad! Now everyone will be looking at meeeeeeeee!

T.VO: Brooke doesn’t approve of this song. She thinks it’s the equivalent of a rated-R movie.

And we know she doesn’t do those.

FLIPIT: Amanda sounds like she drank a gallon of gas before she showed up tongiht.

SYTYCD’s cast comes out to dance.

FLIPIT: So You Think You Can Spin On Your Head.

T.VO: I wanted to hear them sing “D.A.N.C.E.”

Boys help Donna Summer down the stairs.

FLIPIT: Donna has a new single and needs help down the stairs. Don’t give up, girl! You can do it!

T.VO: Donna Summer needs a vacation. Or at least a Spring break.

FLIPIT: “I’ve been round so many times before…” First line says it all. This song should be called “I’m Super Tired, Guys”

T.VO: She’s got a bedazzled mic! Like Mariah!

FLIPIT: She’s been given surgery to look like Gladys Knight.

T.VO: Look at Amanda dancing! I appreciate how apathetic her style is.

FLIPIT: Good for Donna Summer. I can the WeHo twinks dancing to this.

T.VO: Did she just sing “your poon at night?”

FLIPIT: LOL I hope so.

FLIPIT: The SYTYCD guys are dressed like the Menudo from the 80′s.

T.VO: Plus New Kids on the Block (who are coming back).

FLIPIT: I don’t think you can come back from that.

Seacrest starts dancing.

T.VO: Look at Seacrest. Hilarious, or endearingly pathetic?

FLIPIT: He’s celebrating because he knows after tonight he will only have 11 jobs. Good for Donna Summer. She sounded 100 times better than she did last time she was on the show. AI: Resurrecting our faves and getting their voices back in shape.

T.VO: Glad to see them giving Syesha some star time.

The song morphs into “Let’s Dance”

FLIPIT: : Amanda’s like Please. Let’s not dance. You’re killin me here!

T.VO: I’m glad they’re giving Syesha some star time tonight. She’s doing well.

FLIPIT: : Nigel made Donna end with “Let’s Dance” in case ” The Poon Song” didn’t work. Thanks for your faith, Nigel!

T.VO: She looks more bored with this one.

FLIPIT: She’s gotta hate this song. She probably feels like a prisoner to “Let’s Dance”. It’s gonna follow her to her grave.

T.VO: You know what dancing the last dance leads to.

FLIPIT: Herpes?

T.VO: The morning after pill.

FLIPIT: LOLLL

T.VO: “Last chance for love” my ass. I thought that was eHarmony. Or hell, Match.com.

Paula stands up and starts dancing.

FLIPIT: Your last chance was a long time ago, Paula! Sit down!

FLIPIT: Damn, Donna Summer! Kick ass! She took some vocal rest since last time she was on the show. AI: resurrecting your old faves one at a time. They’re saving their big celebs for last. I’m hoping for Kenny Rogers. Or The Platters.

T.VO: Only one and a half hours to go!

FLIPIT: I think we’re on page 30. HAH

Diet Coke commercial.

T.VO: It seems vaguely inappropriate to follow her with Paul Oakenfold and Diet Coke.

FLIPIT: Rude, right? I think this guy just makes songs to get Diet Coke commercials

Hulk commercial.

FLIPIT: Just in case it didn’t annoy you enough the first time…The Hulk. Again

T.VO: The Hulk is a giant gangrene patient.

FLIPIT: Eric Bana feels so dissed right now.

T-Mobile commercial. The daughter finds out the son has all her friends as his Five Faves and she is mortified. The dad gives her advice.

T.VO: I don’t get this commercial. “Maybe you should have uglier friends,” says Dad.

FLIPIT: Poor sister is the ugly friend in her group.

T.VO: You know the dad is creepily checking out the daughter’s friends a la American Beauty.

FLIPIT: Ugly daughters use T-Mobile. Noted.

Nintendo DS Commerical with Carrie Underwood playing with a computer dog while her real dog watches.

FLIPIT: Carrie Underwood needs better lighting. She looks like crap.

T.VO: I don’t think Blondie knows how to use the Nintendo DS.

FLIPIT: What the hell is she doing?

T.VO: Stroking a puppy with her stylus.

FLIPIT: Poor thing needs a friend.

T.VO: She’ll find out in a week it’s not enough to feed only the virtual puppy.

FLIPIT: I fed my dog and it died! I want a new Nintendo, y’all! Waaaah.

Moment of Truth commercial.

T.VO: Moment of Truth : “You’re a tranny, aren’t you??” “You’re married, but you’re a gay man repressing your feelings because you couldn’t afford couples therapy until this show came along, right?” These are all leading questions.

FLIPIT: And…it’s a hit!

Back from break, Tink intros Michael Johns and Carly Smithson, saying that they were two of the shock eliminations this show is known for.

T.VO: Yay, shock departures.

FLIPIT: I know. What if they kicked off Donna Summer? That would be scandalous.

T.VO: Woah. Carly’s looking S&M in this outfit.

FLIPIT: It’s all snaps. Weird. She looks better than she did on the show, though. She’s finally herself I guess.

T.VO: Michael Johns’ fanbase just wants to see him wiggle his butt.

FLIPIT: Johns is the whitest boy of the season. And that’s saying something when he’s on the same year as Fetus.

T.VO : He’s AUSTRALIAN, mmkay?

FLIPIT: Damn, Carly. She is kicking ass. She’s singing off her track, though. Why do they have vocal tracks? LAME.

T.VO: I wonder if we’ll get fanvids of Carly cheating on Tats Face with Johns. The two non-Americans. She was robbed.

FLIPIT: Yeah but it’s probably better for her in the long run. She would hate being the American Idol queen.

T.VO: True. Will she get a second record deal? She’s already been through the wringer.

FLIPIT: Yeah Clive will hook her up. He’s been trying to get her on the show for years. I think he just put her on there for publicity and then took her off when he figured she was exposed enough to sell more than 100 albums this time.

Jimmy Kimmel comes on to do a set.

T.VO: Dude, Kimmel looks swollen. Or that’s a lot of water weight.

FLIPIT: He was so mediocre the first time they brought him back.

Jimmy says Sanjaya is outside working as the valet.

FLIPIT: LOL. Poor Sanjy. Sarah Silverman gets naked with this turkey neck.

T.VO: I am glad to see someone call Paula out on hallucinating. She’s out of control.

Song is put together of spliced Simon-isms. “You suck”, “that was awful”, etc.

FLIPIT: This is better than either of the original songs. Fetus should have sung this.

T.VO: He would’ve stumbled over any of the “negative” words, which was like…all of them.

T.VO: He’s got a filter.

FLIPIT: Hahah his neck alarm would have shocked him.

T.VO: His electric collar. Exactly!

Closeup of Randy and that hideous outfit. Tink makes a smart ass comment about it.

FLIPIT: Randy is wearing the winning design of the coke cup.

The boys come on and sing “Summer of 69″

T.VO: The stripper’s back!

FLIPIT: Ugh. When he was eliminated a reporter asked if he thought it was because of the stripper gossip and he said “I’m a great singer. Can we concentrate on that?” A. No you’re not and B. No.

T.VO: Listen to Johns rock it out.

FLIPIT: He’s a better rocker than Cook.

T.VO: Does Fetus know what “69′ing” is?

FLIPIT: Maybe the stripper can teach him while they tour this summer. Look at him squatting. He’s all open legs and bug eyes.

FLIPIT: Yay! Isaac from The Love Boat is back!

T.VO: Chikeze my neezie!

T.VO: I like Michael Johns for shaving.

FLIPIT: I like Michael Johns for being hot.

The Davids walk down center, singing together.

T.VO: Make out! Make out! Make out!

FLIPIT: They should at least be holding hands.

FLIPIT: “Now, nothing can take you away from me…” What a sweet song to sing to each other.

T.VO: Can Fetus sing “Somewhere Out there” dressed up as Fievel the Mouse already?

FLIPIT: We should have sent him the hat as a finale gift.

T.VO: Oh, that’s out of tune.

T.VO Even to deaf people

FLIPIT: The stripper is trying too hard. It’s making me uncomfortable.

Bryan Adams comes onstage to sing.

T.VO: Is this a new song? It’s lame.

FLIPIT: He looks like a Lyle Lovett/Sting love child. That’s not good.

T.VO I just saw Lyle Lovett at the Ivy on Sunday! He looked like beef jerky.

FLIPIT: What were you doing at the Ivy? That’s fancy. I mean come on. LYLE LOVETT eats there!

T.VO: I was walking past it. I had investigate an eco boutique that claims to be sustainable but all the dresses there were 3K and up. But hey, paperless potty!

FLIPIT: Anything “green” is inherently snotty.

The song morphs into “Somebody Like You”

FLIPIT: He had a backup song too. It’s like Nigel is worried that old stars can’t do new material. Just in case you didn’t know who the hell this guy is, here’s “Somebody Like You!”

Navigation system commercial.

T.VO: Uh..navigation system? Find a hooker.

FLIPIT: Find crack cocaine.

A commercial for 3D mascara (?)

T.VO: 3D extreme mascara porn!

T.VO: “Extremely Extreme”

T.VO: Somewhere out there, there’s a failed English major who never discovered the thesaurus.

FLIPIT: Speaking of failed school, why is Jessica Alba EVERYWHERE tonight?

Ashton Kutcher phone commercial.

T.VO: Dammit Ashton Kutcher. This whole night is about bad stars with bad movies out.

FLIPIT: Ashton’s like Demi is making me pay the rent so i had to do this commercial

Jordin Sparks comes on advertising the new AI ride at Disneyland.

FLIPIT: Spanx!!

T.VO: Jordin, “As you know, I am living the Idol dream. My vocal chords are fucked and I might not open for Alicia Keyes anymore so I guess I’ll go to Disney World” Sparks.

FLIPIT: I sold 10 albums yay for me!

FLIPIT: Look! She’s finally wearing Spanx! I knew she was reading last year’s recaps!

Cook sings “Sharp Dressed Man” with ZZ top.

T.VO: “Sharp Dressed Man”?

T.VO: Clearly not alluding to Randy.

FLIPIT: ZZ top eats at the restaurant I work at. The first time he came in I almost kicked him out cuz I thought he was a homeless guy.

T.VO: Paula nip slip in 30 seconds…wait for it…

FLIPIT: She looks more wasted that usual tonight. I can’t believe her top’s not off yet.

T.VO: Is this a David Cook wet dream? Or did we die and go to Hell?

FLIPIT: I love that Paula is always clapping off beat. Every single time.

T.VO: ZZ Top looks super-jewish to me.

T.VO: mmm bagels.

FLIPIT: HAHAH hassidim night out

T.VO: He has a muppet that looks like him. And his entire band. Seriously.

FLIPIT: I think he looks like an extra from the Narnia movie.

T.VO: Who’s soloing?

FLIPIT: ZZ top!

T.VO: Cook? No, I guess he’s just playing power chords.

FLIPIT: No Cook doesn’t play that well. He’s schooled by Guitar Hero.

FLIPIT: If the moving colored squares stop he’s screwed.

FLIPIT: ZZ is trying to sing the solo line but Cook won’t let him. LOL. Hilarious.

Shot of Blake Lewis in the audience.

FLIPIT: Blake EEEWWWWWWWWWWW

FLIPIT: He’s like “I could have done this whole song with boom chicka boom booms in my mouth”

T.VO: I wish they would swap out this band with the muppet version.

T.VO ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztop.

Song’s over. Now back to Kansas City with Mikalah, who is interviewing one of Cook’s teachers.

T.VO: Reason #208 why old people should be euthanized. (Sorry, Mrs. Gentry!)

FLIPIT: Because they’re Cook fans?

FLIPIT: Mikalah Gordon is as annoying as ever. That teacher’s gonna rip that tee off and shake her money makers for her little Cook.

T.VO: Wooo SPRING BREAK!

Mikalah asks the teacher to give some advice to Cook.

FLIPIT: Advice: Don’t come home or I will molest you.

T.VO: Cook promised her a night of passion in exchange for her vote.

FLIPIT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

Brooke comes onstage to sing with Nash, of Crosby, Stills and.

FLIPIT: BROOKE WHITE???? Why God? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????

T.VO: She’s gonna forget the lyrics.

FLIPIT: Nash is like so…you wanna go see an R rated movie?

T.VO: “Sorry! Gotta nanny!”

T.VO: What’s with the Ethiopian children in the background?

FLIPIT: : This is depressing.

T.VO: What about Haiti? Or Myanmar? Too traumatizing?

FLIPIT: Oh jeeze more starving kids. Didn’t we already donate to those brats?

T.VO: This is clearly leftovers from Idol Gives Back.

FLIPIT: Note to Brooke: The skinny kid behind you makes you look fat. Love, FLIPIT: .

T.VO: Did she just miss a lyric?

FLIPIT: Line!

T.VO: This is the new HWood diet. Bombard people with images of starving kids.

FLIPIT: I’m eating pizza as I type. There goes that theory.

T.VO: Suddenly, my rice doesn’t taste so good.

FLIPIT: Rice? You’re eating the same thing we sent them. Don’t feel so bad.

T.VO: All the love in the world is not going to keep a fly off the kid’s eyeball.

FLIPIT: No kidding the kid behind them is like yup still hungry.

T.VO: Hah, they cut off her mic!

FLIPIT: Thank God for small favors. Keep it off!

Commercial for the Sex and the City movie. Carrie has a flower bigger than a car pinned to her dress and a girl passes by and say’s “hot dress”.

T.VO: “Hot dress — you’re wearing an entire bouquet on your shoulder. Conroy’s?”

FLIPIT: Seriously, Carrie Bradshaw that flower is out of control. It’s aging you.

T.VO: The flower has roid rage.

FLIPIT: That movie should be interesting. Storyline possibilities: Mr. Big is now impotent.

Guitar Hero commercial

T.VO: WTF? David Cook playing Guitar Hero in tighty whities?

FLIPIT: Fitting!

FLIPIT: Does he shave his legs? He probably just did this for the new version of the game. Workin cheap!

T.VO: Poor Fetus was left out. Oh no, wait he’s in this Audi commercial!

T.VO: His mom is driving away leaving him with his dad!

T.VO: Oh nooooo child abandonment!! Call the cops!

FLIPIT: Don’t leave me alone with dad! I don’t wanna sing Imagine again! I don’t waaant tooooooo!

Two assholes eat chili in a Carl’s Jr. ad. The guy asks if he has to wear a tux tonight and the girl tries to tell him he has brown muck all over his face.

FLIPIT: Ew they are gonna be farting all night at this black tie event.

T.VO: Mmm diarrhea burger.

FLIPIT: EW

T.VO: Side effects include oily discharge and lowered libido.

FLIPIT: How does that make anyone hungry?

T.VO: That was disturbing. Just like the runaway diarrhea dog for Wienerschnitzel. Do you want a hot dog that’s been all around town?

Tink is in the pit introducing the Jonas Brothers.

FLIPIT: What are boys doing in the pit? I smell a sexual harrassment suit.

FLIPIT: Ugh. These boys are wack.

T.VO: The Jonas Brothers! They might as well have written last night’s song. DREAM BIG!

FLIPIT: They are too young for real rock drugs so they suck helium before shows. Ah, innocence.

T.VO: It’s easy to sing that high when your pants squeeze off all the air to your brain.

The lyric is “it’s like walking on broken glass”.

FLIPIT: That’s how I feel listening to this.

FLIPIT: There is a lot of young gay sex happening on that tour bus.

FLIPIT: And I’ll bet the guy with the tambourine initiates it. LOL.

T.VO: He’s useless. Speaking of Lyle Lovett, the lead singer has his hair circa ’82.

FLIPIT: And the Grammy for Best Tambourine Playing in a Boy Band goes to…

FLIPIT: Is that a Louis Vuitton guitar?!?!?

T.VO: This song is deep. http://www.metrolyrics.com/sos-lyrics-jonas-brothers.html

The song ends.

FLIPIT: So, wanna go gay bashing?

T.VO: That was resoundingly flaming.

Tink brings a sweet lady to the stage.

FLIPIT: She brought her purse to the stage! LOL.

T.VO: That lady has no idea where she is. She want to play Bingo, dammit.

FLIPIT: Is this the bathroom? I have to hurry, I don’t wanna miss Bryan Adams!

Montage of really bad auditions, including this screechy little fella.

FLIPIT: How is he worse than the guy who just sang?

T.VO: No idea.

FLIPIT: The only difference is he’s not hot. This show is so shallow! Wait. So am I.

T.VO: This woman is possessed.

FLIPIT: She sounds just like Amanda.

T.VO: Amanda’s auntie, no?

FLIPIT: Are they gonna have the golden Idols? That’s the best part!

T.VO: Eeyore sings! In a mustard suit.

T.VO: LET MY PIPHOLE GOOOOO!

FLIPIT: I will let your people go if you STOP.

FLIPIT: This sounds like Paula’s single played really slowly.

FLIPIT: The judges are so mean. How many people commit suicide after these auditions? I want numbers!

T.VO: To brotherhood!!!!

T.VO: My flipino roomie was ashamed of this guy. I mean, they’re like, related somehow.

FLIPIT: That’s the guy who became friends with Castro, right? I wonder if they will start singing outside Pinkberry together.

T.VO: He’s the William Hung of this season. You know they’ve kept him around.

He is introduced and comes out on stage!

T.VO: Didn’t I call it!?!!! HE’S BACK, BITCHES!

FLIPIT: No! I want let my people go!

T.VO: You know he’s lived in the same outfit since auditions.

TWIRL

FLIPIT: WTF?!?!

T.VO: He twirls better than Brooke.

A marching band comes out.

FLIPIT: Now I need an aspirin. Or heroin.

T.VO: Is that U$C?! Wow, my roomie is Filipino and a USC student! This mirrors my life!

FLIPIT: I have nothing to type. My jaw is on the desk.

FLIPIT: Is that Jessica Alba as a cheerleader? Sit down, Jessica Alba!!

Paula gets rowdy and comes onstage.

T.VO: There goes Paula again.

FLIPIT: She is freakin’ trashed tonight.

T.VO: She will keep dancing even after the song ends.

FLIPIT: She’s a little needy tonight.

T.VO: She’s waiting for the last dance, duh.

FLIPIT: I want to see her perform her song. That would trump this douche.

A Ford commercial.

T.VO: Ah, Ford. the company that doesn’t do crash tests on cadavers. How refreshing.

FLIPIT: What are cadavers for if not to crash cars with? Duh, Ford.

Another Moment of Truth commercial.

FLIPIT: “Do you like pink?” “Do you watch musicals?” Have you ever played with another man’s penis?” The questions are all gay.

T.VO: This is like a public gay witch hunt.

FLIPIT: And…HIT!

When we return, One Republic is onstage singing with Fetus.

T.VO: I love this song! “It’s toooo laaaate!”

FLIPIT: Me too. The singer’s a funny lookin little guy. He has Carly’s nose.

Fetus joins him onstage.

T.VO: OF COURSE FETUS loves this song. He wants to play the piano to it.

T.VO: I remember the One Republic guy looking less greasy on the Timbaland video.

FLIPIT: And less like Carly.

T.VO: Oh yes, Fetus met his “angel” quota for the song. Every song he sings has at least one angel reference. If not angels, miracles.

FLIPIT: Andrew Lloyd Webber is like look his eyes are open! I taught him that.

T.VO: He closed them!

FLIPIT: Well for those notes I think he had to.

FLIPIT: He’s gonna get hemorrhoids singing like that.

T.VO: Preparation H commercial is coming up.

T.VO How can Fetus not win after this song? This was a top ringtone of 2008.

FLIPIT: I still have Alicia Keys’ I Am Superwoman as mine.

Back in Utah…

FLIPIT: All the white! it’s blinding!

T.VO: Not a single yellow person in sight. *cries*

FLIPIT: Those are some inbredd ass faces.

Matt introduces Archuleta’s grandpa.

T.VO: Whoa, Wilfredo! That’s diverse.

T.VO: Uh, might not be the best idea to reply to Matt Rogers in Spanish…if you know what I mean.

FLIPIT: Fetus is the only mixed kid in Utah if you believe this show.

T.VO: Fetus maxed out their minority quota. That’s sad.

Spanx takes the stage.

T.VO: Jordin’s here? Fuck.

FLIPIT: Spanx!!!! She’s like I popped a Halls and here I am!

T.VO: Is there a tiara to pass on? “Pass the rum balls.”

T.VO: She looks a bit…you know…uh, wide?

FLIPIT: See she still hasn’t found someone to dress her

FLIPIT: That dress was made for someone thirty pounds heavier.

T.VO: When Halloween costumes go bad.

FLIPIT: Truly.

T.VO: You can’t really dress up like a slutty golden coin. It just doesn’t work. The formula is slutty + animal, not slutty + currency.

FLIPIT: I wouldn’t care if she wasn’t so OFF KEY. OUCH

T.VO: “I’m a Sexy Sacajawea.”

FLIPIT: Man she sucks ass. See? This wasn’t the worst year ever. Last year was.

T.VO: Agreed. She looks like a gold-plated Alice in Wonderland but can’t sing.

FLIPIT: She looks like someone unpeeled some rolos and pulled out a hot glue gun

T.VO: She’s the special limited edition of a hershey’s kiss.

T.VO: I think Blake is making the drum sounds for this song.

FLIPIT: No you would be able to tell. He’s all boom chicka boom boom tzz tzz wiggy wiggy wiggy.

T.VO: I thought they’d do something nice for him. Like offer him the tambourine or hi-hat.

FLIPIT: They already let him sing once this year and my dog hasn’t forgiven me yet.

T.VO: What’s with the choker on Jordin?

FLIPIT: If she wants a choker she could use my palms.

T.VO: Does she have a parentally-controlled shock collar too?

FLIPIT: I can’t pay attention to this any more. I will take this time to say instead that as cracked out as Fantasia was last week, she would wipe the floor with any of the kids who have graced the stage tonight, except maybe Amanda because Amanda would hit first.

T.VO: She would probably eat Jordin, if not scare her off the stage first.

FLIPIT: Blake is in the audience mouthing all the words to this crap song. That’s cute and frightening.

Commerical for Adam Sandler movie.

T.VO: I’ve got a great movie idea: Adam Sandler as a dog who plays baseball and cuts hair then falls in love with Drew Barrymore.

FLIPIT: Old comics are making some crap ass movies in HWood this Summer. Is there no one new in Hollywood?

T.VO: Sigh.

FLIPIT: The game plan: get an accent and it will be different than Austin Powers/Big Daddy.

Abstinence ad.

T.VO: “I love my life. i’m not gonna mess it up with a pregnancy”. Way to push the abstinence only agenda, Fox. And way to make the focus of the commercial the BOY who knocked a poor girl up. Roe v. Wade is in danger.

FLIPIT: Abstinence is for suckers. That’s why God invented abortion, duh.

FLIPIT: Fox is like don’t have sex, just watch everyone have sex on reality shows we produce.

T.VO: Oh! “Daydream Believer,” that was Brooke’s song.

FLIPIT: She was outsung by a Von’s commercial. Congrats!

Tink intros a clip of Glady’s Knight auditioning her Pips back in the day.

T.VO: Gladys Knight? I keep thinking it’s just going to be the celeb impersonators.

FLIPIT: She will look just like Donna Summer. I promise.

T.VO: OMG SHE DOES!! Is that Jack Black in the background? IT IS!!

FLIPIT: And..too bad Ben Stiller’s there to kill that joke. Why is he always on this show?

FLIPIT: Is Robert Downey Jr. back on drugs? What is he doing here?

FLIPIT: Robert! You’re a star again! Get off this sketch! It’s a graveyard!

T.VO: GET ON THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA! FOR REALS!

FLIPIT: You got to go! You got to go! You got to go!

FLIPIT: Jack Black looks like he smells like feet.

Jack and Robert leave Ben alone on stage.

FLIPIT: And the laughs stop completely. Robert D Jr. will come back with blow on his nose.

And they’re back.

T.VO: Jack Black just lost his pants

FLIPIT: This seriously hurts my soul. Poor Gladys.

T.VO: She agreed to let them use the clip, but at least she didn’t actually show up.

FLIPIT: She would have had to have been piggy backed down the steps.

Tink announced that any money made from the download of this performance will go to charity.

T.VO: They could’ve threatened to play the song and I would’ve paid up to not air it.

The starving kids are screwed. Ain’t no one downloading that crap. Once was painful enough.

Tink introduces Carrie Underwood to sing one of her country songs.

T.VO: Carrie’s got Dolly Parton’s outfit! And chiffon kleenex!

FLIPIT: Without the extra bolt of boob fabric. She’s all “My dog’s dead, y’all! Don’t get a Nintendo!”

T.VO: Her songs confuse me. Jesus and Gravity…and getting a little crazy and hooking up on the dance floor. “I don’t even know his last name” She’s lik, “Here’s how you do it kids.” Step 1:

unzip the pants. Wow. Who’s your baby’s father indeed.

FLIPIT: She’s so cute I never realized this song was about being a total whore.

T.VO: She does it in a PINTO. The car that EXPLODES. Is that just a witty metaphor for premature ejaculation?

FLIPIT: I have a felling this girl has never “got drunk and left the club at 3AM”. Ever.

T.VO: She seems remarkably unperturbed for someone who got mystery sperm in her.

FLIPIT: Maybe she caught it all on that huge kleenex tied to her wrists.

T.VO: The lyrics just implied she got roofied and taken to Vegas. She doesn’t know where she is, but she has a rock on her left finger. That’s not too shabby. Usually, they steal your shit.

FLIPIT: I’m jealous. I wanna be roofied and taken to Vegas!

T.VO: That can be easily arranged.

FLIPIT: I would be so flattered.

FLIPIT: So was this a happy song or not?

T.VO: Please God make it stop!

And now it’s Fetus’ turn to be in a Guitar Hero commercial.

T.VO: FETUS PLAYING GUITAR HERO! IN UNDIES! CHILD PORN! CALL THE COPS!

T.VO: Michael Jackson will so write him a song now.

FLIPIT: He’s in boxers. LOL. Utah wouldn’t approve of tightie whiteys. Look! He even closes his eyes when he’s pretending to sing!

Back to the show, the Top 12 performs a George Michael medley.

FLIPIT: George Michael medley? How bout one of his newer songs? can’t think of one? Ok then

T.VO: I only know George Michael from “Arrested Development”

T.VO: Where’s Noriega??!?

FLIPIT: Probably fluffing George Michael in the back. Poor Tink is so tired.

T.VO: Tink is being propped up by a PA.

FLIPIT: Kristy Lee is singing half a step behind the rhythm. I still feel bad about her horse getting turned into glue.

FLIPIT: YAY DRUNK AMANDA! I wish this whole show was her.

T.VO: The stripper is all neck. Oh, and I think we ate Kristy Lee’s horse when we had those Fruit Roll-Ups. Hooves make gelatin, which make deliciousness.

FLIPIT: He doesn’t need a neck. He’s all about head.

FLIPIT: Castro Doesn’t even try to hit the high notes. He is OVER it.

T.VO: It looks like Cook and Tink did each other’s eyeliner.

Please say that’s the last group number of the year. I am at my limit.

George Michael comes out and starts singing about needing time.

T.VO: “Do you think we have time?” is exactly what he asked the guy in the stall next to him as he tapped his foot before his entrance.

FLIPIT: Nope. No more time. The show’s been going on for two hours. No more damn time.

FLIPIT: Is he forgetting all his lyrics or does he just have really bad annunciation? Just keep singing “we’re out of time”.

T.VO: “God’s children crept out the back door?” WTF?

FLIPIT: This song sounded less stupid when Carrie sang it on Idol Gives Back.

T.VO: Paula is CRYING.

FLIPIT: She’s such a retard. She’s probably just realizing she left her oxycotin at home.

FLIPIT: He messed up again! He doesn’t know the words!

T.VO: He’s no Brooke White.

FLIPIT: He’s turning into Liza with his mannerisms

T.VO: Whoa that high note broke something. What’s with this earth apocalypse background?

FLIPIT: It’s subtly judging the performance.

FLIPIT: He keeps asking for more time. ARGH. NO NO MORE TIME STOP ASKING! BACK TO THE BUSHES FOR ANONY SEX, LOOZA! And those glasses are very mafioso 1967.

T.VO: Something about this suggests atomic bomb.

FLIPIT: Big gay bomb. He’s gonna offer the Jonas Brothers a ride in his big white van after the show.

FLIPIT: Is this almost OVER?!?

T.VO: I am really hoping that David Cook trounces Fetus just so Fetus can escape. Maybe go on vacay with Donna Summer.

FLIPIT: No way!

T.VO: Didn’t you notice how much the judges praised Fetus? Simon has the reverse effect. When he kept praising Fetus I feel like the Cook contingent was ready to vote.

FLIPIT: They’re all afraid of Fetus’ dad. He’ll win.

The Judges congratulate the contestants.

FLIPIT: Paula and her lame plays on words. “The sun won’t go down on you, Fetus!” “You should be on Top Chef, David, because you know how to Cook!” “Where’s my heroin?” Oh wait. That was a real question.

T.VO: Simon is APOLOGIZING to Cook??? This smells fishy.

FLIPIT: Uh oh, that means he took a look at the votes and knows he was WRONG.

T.VO: Cook for the win!

Simon says he likes them both because they are “Tryers”.

FLIPIT: Ouch. That was a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard. For the first time ever, he doesn’t care who wins. Uh, this is like the third year in a row that I don’t care who wins. Where have you been, Cowell?

T.VO: Who verifies the votes? Publisher’s Clearing House?

FLIPIT: Nigel. It’s totally fair and not rigged at all.

And now! The winner! By 12 million votes! COOK!

FLIPIT: WHAAAAAAAT???????

T.VO: HAHA you owe me a Coke!

T.VO FETUS IS GONNA CRY!!

FLIPIT: Man he got slaughtered!!

T.VO: The older ladies totes rallied! YAY MENOPAUSE!

FLIPIT: That’s so why Simon apologized!

T.VO: Foreshadowing is a bitch.

FLIPIT: Camryn Manheim likes Cook, do you see my issue with the guy?

T.VO: They probably wanted the Idol to peddle alcohol, anyway.

FLIPIT: : HAHA.

T.VO: Yeah, I don’t love the Cook, but he SORT of won me over at times. I’ll admit it. But I thought I’d be more excited.

FLIPIT: And I felt…nothing.

FLIPIT: Where’s Fetus? I wanna see him cry!

T.VO: He’s hiding from his dad. It’s okay, Carly and Michael Johns will adopt him.

Cook sings his winner song.

FLIPIT: OH GOD now we have to hear this crap song on the radio for the next six months.

T.VO: It’s gonna be on Ford commercials, yo.

FLIPIT: Like I needed another reason not to buy a Ford. ChickBomb is probably breaking dishes at her house right now. She loves Fetus.

FLIPIT: Aw last shot of the season was the cancer brother

.

T.VO: No, that wasn’t the cancer brother. That was his younger brother who tried out, Andrew.

FLIPIT: There are two of them?

T.VO: Yeah. The cancer brother does not have much hair. He’s older, named Adam…not Andrew.

FLIPIT: Oh so the one who shows up at all the appearances and mouths the words to the songs doesn’t have cancer?

T.VO: No, it’s another one. The little brother just has the fug disease.

FLIPIT: So I could have been making fun of him this whole time?

T.VO: Yes. I have been making fun of him.

FLIPIT: I know. I just thought you were a horrible person.

T.VO: Good call.

FLIPIT: HAHA

Well that wraps it up guys. Thanks so much for being with us all season long! We love you!! Flip and T.Vo