American Idol: Dear Michael

Tonight on American Idol, Tink’s Nana gets Jungle Fever, Corkey has a seizure, and Paula does her best to turn into Michael Jackson right before our very eyes.

Bad.

We open with a real boner of a shot. The camera tries to swoop in on Tink standing on the stage’s balcony but it misses him and then stays out of focus for a couple seconds. It’s not really that big of a deal, unless you believe in SIGNS! I almost ran over a cracked out homeless dude in a crosswalk on the way to Starbucks and when I finally got there, the chick behind the counter said she wasn’t gonna charge me and then guess who walked in? Her boss. Awesome. Almost killed someone, almost got free shit. Point is, run over homeless people when you get the chance.

You could have just tried botox if you wanted to hide your forehead wrinkles.

Or vaseline on the lens. Is Teri Hatcher directing tonight?

Tonight, there’s some weird announcer dude who intros the judges. The American Idol logo opens and there they are. Standing. WTF? We’re at the Emmy’s now?

Show both Paula and Randy making it down the stairs without falling or sweating or dry heaving or crying. Then this segment might have a chance to fly.

I thought these guys were boycotting the Emmy’s since 2006, when Paula was robbed of the Best Fuckinlunaticdrunkstress for her performance in Season 6′s Press Junket.

Is that clip really really old? Yes. But it’s important that we remember the classics. Tink is the one who performs the real feat. He holds his wings back and walks down the staircase. He jokes that Simon got just what he wanted and FOX took his “stars need a grand entrance” note, and then he announces that now that we’re down to the Top 13, the singers are getting serious. NOT MORE SERIOUS. We have a blind guy and a widower already. I’ve had enough serious. I just wish he’d say “it’s the Top 13 so now people are gonna try to suck less.” That’s really all we ask for.

Randy’s advice to the singers: “Woop woop bring it what?” Skara’s advice: “(whining) waaaah don’t dissapooooint meeeeee!” Paula’s advice: woah. Who can hear it? She’s wearing a dead bird on her shoulder, chola bangs, and a face as tight as a drum. A very overly tanned drum. The girl got work done since last Tues? How is that possible? She and Michael Jackson probably had an awesome conversation before the show.

Paula: Your nose ever fall off?

MJ: YES!

Paula: OMG me too! Let’s go to lunch!

MJ: Sorry I can’t go outside or my cheeks will burn off from the pollution and the bad energy.

Paula: There are some fine hairless boys backstage not old enough to vote…

MJ: Well there’s no rule against eating in!

Paula: I love you.

MJ: I like you dearly, Tina!

Paula says that the contestants shouldn’t let the giant stage consume them. Tink quips “speaking of self consumption, Simon!” Actually she didn’t speak of self consumption, but whatevs. Simon’s advice is that the contestants shouldn’t let the stage swallow them, and Paula gets testy because he copied exactly what she said and just changed a couple of words. Because that’s wrong. Then she stands up and shouts “woop woop dawg! You were pitchy and it disappooointed meeeeee!” Tink announces the Top 13 and they run out on stage. Hot Brother escorts Blind Guy out. I hope they take this really far and start making Hot Brother learn choreography. There can only be so many dances involving couches.

It’s Michael Jackson night! Montage of MJ being awesome. He’s sold over two hundred and fifty million albums! Thriller alone sold over 100,000,000 copies alone. DAMN. In thanks to the world for making him such a success, Michael has done his best to change his skin to match every single race God ever invented over the decades. Talk about wanting to be liked by EVERYONE. During his Lebanese year I remember thinking “OMG he totally understands me.”

Flipit الأعزاء ،

كنت جيدة بما فيه الكفاية ،

كنت ذكيا بما فيه الكفاية ، وdoggonit ،

من الأشخاص مثلكم.

Lil Rounds is out first. Tink announces her as “mother of three, Lil Rounds!” It’s easier to sympathize with someone who has gone through some real pain. Oh wah you can’t watch movies without someone telling you what’s going on? Finger a book. Having three kids is the real handicap. I want her to win so she can get away from those little heathens. They’ll break your back, wear down your soul, and then grow up to be teenagers and call you a bitch for your trouble.

So. Lil says that growing up in Tennessee was great because you can always find music and bbq, which is why she’s an awesome singer with a giant ass. Her husband tells us that the family has had really hard times. A tornado hit last year and wrecked their home so badly that they had to stay in an extended stay inn. I had no idea that that tornado even happened, because it wasn’t featured on Idol Gives Back. I blame FEMA’s tardiness on Nigel’s irresponsibility. Lil Husband has a triangle head. Does it matter? No. But there it is.

He can get AM on that thing.

Lil and Husband are really cute together, they love each other a ton, and their kids are even cute as little huggy bugs in a rug.

My ovaries just defrosted.

Lil says that it may seem strange to have three kids and have to leave them to sing, but the day you let go of your dream, you let go of your life. Sweetie, grab your life and let go of your children!

She’s singing “The Way You Make Me Feel” off Bad. Coming into this, I’m not sure about her yet. She can wail, no doubt, but my favorite Idol is Miss Fantasia (stone me!), and I don’t like anyone encroaching on her block. That was written before she SANG. Lil wails it out like she’s telling someone off. She’s a great singer, and she’s feeling this shit. Her “ain’t nobody’s bidness” is threatening. And I like it. Her slower blues version starts getting repetitive in the middle so she takes a breath and then takes it up a notch and throws in a high note, like “yeah I can.” Atta girl! I could make fun of the tutu on her shoulder, but why ruin a good moment? Her shoulder piece and Paula’s actually have a face off at one point.

But Paula loses cuz her giant diamond studded dog tag knocks her out cold before the song ends.

Not the nose!

The audience goes crazy, and it’s nice being able to see the audience again.

Randy always gets the hot chicks as background.

Skara is shaking her head in awed reverence like she just witnessed the Baby Jesus being squeezed out right there on the stage. Randy gushes and even makes a few complete sentences. He liked her spin and says that she started it off right. Skara is so impressed that she actually makes it through an entire critique without whiiiining. Instead, she gets her black speak on and does wiggywiggy hands like she’s a dj.

May I get a what what, please?

She hopes she gets to hear Lil on the radio and hopes the other contestants step up their game. Paula complements her on her color palette and gives the “glam squad” credit for sending someone out this season without a fauxhawk. Then she says Lil has the falsetto of an angel. A boy angel, cuz girls don’t have falsettos. I think that was Paula’s rude way of calling Lil man shoulders. As if to revolt, the bird starts strangling her.

Can’t. Breathe.

Simon’s unimpressed. It was good, but a lazy song choice and he hates what she’s wearing. She’s like uhhhhh thanks. The audience boos him and shouts. Tink asks what Simon would rather see her wear and he says he just needs five minutes with Lil to “sort you out”. Everyone “oooohs” like he just sexually harassed her, and Tink makes a joke about not listening to an old man about women’s fashion. Tim Gunn is sitting at home with a sour puss right now. Simon thinks she looks like a powder puff and then Paula, forgetting what she just said less than a minute ago, tells her “wear darker colors, you know?” LOL.

Tink announces that Scott’s next. Scott hears his name and starts swaying and singing.

Hot Brother is totally neglecting this kid. Jesus.

Scott’s video is about him being almost blind from birth but persevering and learning piano. The whole family is musical, and even has their own Mormon band.

Flour

The parents are really sweet and say that they try to teach their kids a handicap won’t hold them back from being whatever they want to be. Scott seems to have a really loving and beautiful mother, but upon closer inspection, she might have some anger issues. No truly loving mother would let her son out in public with this hair.

Before going on Idol and possibly breaking up the Family Band.

After going on Idol and possibly breaking up the Family Band. Coinky?

He’s singing “Keep the Faith”, and he’s on the piano. The judges were right when they said he was a hundred times better behind it. The song sounds like something straight out of cool church, and he is just white enough to pull it off. He misses some high notes in the beginning and veers on and off key through the whole thing, but he gets going halfway through and squawks out a high note at the end. Not very good, but how can you not like him? He looks like a very confused dandelion.

Audience? Carazay. They are going bonkers for the guy. Skara calms them down, points out Scott just learned that on the piano a couple days ago, then says he gives people hope and even though it wasn’t the best performance in the world he’s hopeful change hope hope inspiration hope change. It worked for the election, it will work on Idol. Paula says it’s magical to see his instrument at his fingertips and he reflexively reaches down and makes sure his zipper’s not down.

The woman who wrote the song is in the audience and she loved it. Simon apologizes to her because he hated it. The audience boos. He says no one knows the song and Scott starts getting defensive and saying he just wanted to be artistic. LOL. Simon says “it’s fine to be autistic, just not on this show.” I don’t know if Simon misunderstood him or I misunderstood Simon, but we’re probably both right. Skara whines “but what about the meeessaaaage?” He says Scott has a nice voice but the song was lame. Paula calls Simon out on telling her earlier that the album it’s off of sold more than any album ever in Norway. He smiles but calls her a damn liar and sticks with his opinion. Randy sums it up by saying the song was too safe. Scott looks like he’s gonna cry. Aw! Tink thanks him and Scott waits for a kiss.

Hello! You’re leavin’ me hanging here.

Is it really that fucking hard to punch in a two digit number you got off the TV, people? COME ON. Anyway, if you do dial 13 instead you’ll get laid.

I was hoping that we were gonna get to see footage from Hokey’s mega church tonight, but there is none so here’s a commercial to tide us over til next time.

My family goes to cool church and it makes me ten times as uncomfortable as my Meemaw’s wack ass church The Jesus Chapel did when I was a kid and sat through hours of her talking in fake tongues (Takatikatakatikateekatakajesusteekataka) while the preacher ranted against anything gay or fun and then demanded ten percent of my allowance. Those people were a little off their nutter butters, but at least they weren’t trying to be “cool”. All I see at cool church are a thousand Meemaws in acid wash jeans and yes, fauxhawks.

Which brings us to Gokey, He comes from a giant pasy familiy in the midwest. They used to sing everything to each other. Like “pass the, pass the, pass the butter please!” and “time for bed you got school tomorrow!” This segment would be more interesting if they weren’t all so damn nice. I could use mom’s rendition of “I only married your father cuz my mom wouldn’t let me get an abortion” or little sis’ version of “I’m sick of you getting all the attention so I’m gonna cut myself and set the hamster on fire.” Between the Hokey family and Blind Guy, the American white family is coming off ass pretty…white. The Von Trapp family is looking like the Jackson 5 right about now.

Danny is singing “PYT”, which stands for Pretty Young Thing, the first thing Gay Best Just Friends sang to him when they met. How sweet! The song is kinda bizarre, both for MJ, who as we all know left the country so he could avoid any more lawsuits brought by families of young boys he allegedly molested, and from Hokey, who’s in charge of youth choir at Costco Church. Speaking of alleged molestation, Why does Danny have a white feather flying off of him? Could be an angel, but it’s more likely Paula followed him into the mens room for a snack.

Exhibit A

Danny belts it out in his smokey growly way and does a really nice job overall if you like one note white boy shout singing and deranged monkey arms, but I was left cold. And creeped.

Takatikatakatikateekatakajesusteekataka

Paula’s crunking is pretty awesome, though.

The audience loses their shit. Paula gets all choked up and says that the true mark of an artist is that you can still tell who they are when your eyes are closed and he’s on his way to the finals. And Hell, if God caught that errant feather bs, slut! Simon makes fun of Paula for calling him the winner when he’s only the third singer. He calls the vocals brilliant but laughs at his hideous dancing. Hokey says that he likes to dance and he loves to sing but he can’t do two things at the same time. Randy says that he shows incredible range. He’s kinda exactly the same every time, no? Whatevs. Skara thinks his joy shines through and he should thank his parents for making him sing his homework. No one even blinks when he starts passing the collection plate.

Oil Rig Bear is next, and everyone at home is really proud of him. Especially the chiropractor.

His fame has already started to change the town. He showed up at the rig in black leather like Tom Cruise, and his mom is pulling a Winehouse.

Blaaaaaake! I don’t care if you beat me I want you baaaack!

Then she throws up on herself. Oil Rig Bear has had a tough life. He grew up without a dad and he was born so huge that he threw his mom’s back out and she had to leave him at daycare.

This explains the chiropractor’s ass kissing. This baby kept him in business.

He’s singing “You Are Not Alone”. I love this song! And I’m so glad he doesn’t try to country it up. He can actually sing when he’s not pandering to the forty ounce PBR crowd on the rigs. He even belts halfway through to the end and even though he sounds like he’s about to squeeze his trachea out of his nose, he finishes big. He maintains that grossed out face he gets through the whole song, which I also appreciate.

OMG Buffy. Her butt. Is so. BIG.

Simon thinks he’s not the best singer but he made up for it with passion and heart. Then he snarks “I just wish we knew what you did for a living,” because I guess it’s annoying him that there is so much Oil Rig footage. Sorry Simon. We can’t all be blind, k? Randy says “you goin to do what you do right there!” Skara thinks he did great and Paula says he picked a song that was “instinct….tual for you.” Good job completing that word, girl. Proud of ya. She’s choked up again. Someone get Paula some hormones before she starts complaining about being hot and smearing lipstick all over her face.

Jasmine’s up next. She comes from a large, close knit family in Mississippi. We know she won’t win because there is no “Jasmine has had a really tough life” in her video package, but thank God her mom’s there. I’ve been a fan of Pearl since 227.

She sings “I’ll be There”, which is pretty ballsy because that’s MJ and Mariah all rolled up into one. She does better than she has so far, especially when she effortlessly nails the belt parts and ends on a soft and beautiful high note. She has a nasally country twang to her voice, which is bizarre but not horrible when she hits the notes. She sounds a little like Carrie Underwood when she gets it right, but like a colicy baby when she misses. Thankfully she only misses a couple times tonight. I feel bad for Jas because she’s really pretty and talented but damn she’s a snoozer. But I have to hand it to her, when she senses she might be losing the crowd, she does a half Tatiana squat in her little dress, which shows that she’ll do what it takes to make it in Hollywood.

Randy reminds us that he recorded the song with Mariah and was worried but she did a pretty good job and wasn’t that bad. LOL. Thanks. Skara was surprised too and was impressed when she hit all the notes and sold it so well. Paula says she’s a lovely young lady with composure and poise. Ouch. She thinks that was under the pitch a lot of the time but “way to go.” Simon says that it was a good attempt but she was a bit robotic and needs to lighten up and act her age. The judges didn’t even try to sound like they weren’t bored off their asses. Why doesn’t anyone ask her why she’s wearing pajamas?

You’re getting sleeeeepy…

Kris is the handsome personality free twinkie from Arkansas. His story is about being from a family that plays music together. Jesus does every white person this year have a family band? There should be a family band night. I’d kill to see Scott and his sister take swings at the Hokey and Allen families. Kris has been married since he was ten to a real perty little thing, cuz that’s what you do in Arkansas. He doesn’t do anything for me until he gets dirty at the very end of his video.

He’s got his guitar tonight and he’s singing “Remember the Time”. He’s off key through most of it and doesn’t have much of a belt. I couldn’t remember who he was, and now I see why. He shouts at the audience and then screeches out a painful note and it goes downhill from there. If the volume was turned down he would have been brill.

Shhhhh.

Skara says the girls love him, and they sho do. She adds that he had a lot of off notes but is glad that he is using the guitar and is a nice guy for helping out the contestants by playing for them all week. Paula accuses Simon of trying to undress her. I think he was just trying to save the poor bird. She continues that Kris knows MJ’s music better than anyone and he’s adorablesexy which she could never say about Simon. Simon didn’t understand a word of it. LOL. He thinks the performance was clumsy, the vocals were ok, and he made a mistake by trotting the wife out so early. HAHAH and so true. Wife? Not amused.

You promised this show wouldn’t come between us waaaaaah!

Randy loves the wife, loves the guitar and the Jason Mraz sound. The only difference is that Mraz can….sing well. Tink points out that Simon’s single and shouldn’t be giving relationship advice. It was more how to keep boners on tweens advice, but whatever. Don’t listen to him and lose, sucka. Allison Cholaheta is up next. She grew up singing in a giant thrift store. Because a chola with Ronald McDonald hair really makes people wanna buy used shit. I don’t remember this song and can’t believe that MJ ever sang it after hearing Chola. She sounds like a forty year old who’s lived it, snorted it, banged it, rehabbed it and then woke up and did it all over again. She nails the song down pretty hard, and even though she seems to only have one octave, she uses it well. And I love the new hair. Although I hope it’s not the end of the chola bangs, cuz that shit needs to be brought back to malls across America stat.

Split ends have never sounded so great.

Paula can’t believe she’s sixteen and is glad that there’s someone who makes her look youthful. Simon thinks it was good and it’s very clear who she is. He seems bored and tells her to lighten up but it was good. Allison is awkward as ever and says that she’s not so dark that she’s going home and cutting herself or anything. The audience kinda groans. LOL. I love this girl. Randy says she’s one to watch and Skara tells her to never change and it’s especially good when she sings high. HUH? Did she mean stoned? Cuz there were no high notes there.

Heeeeey vato!

Anoop is next. Tink asks him how he feels being saved at the last minute and Anoop thanks Hokey and Jesus for coming into his life. Tink meant saved from elimination, but glad to know Noops been baptized. His video is about being an only child doted on by his folks, and FF. At the end of the video, he says he wants to be “the singer, the artist, that has credibility, recognition, and great music.” He takes on “Beat It” LOL. WHY? He’s struggling pretty hard to be cool with his flipped collar and growly faces, but he runs out of breath and misses a ton of notes. The best part is when he stamps defiantly off the rhythm. At one point he has to stop singing cuz he’s out of breath. Yikes. That was fuckin terrible. He paces the stage and gives “f with me I dare you” looks to the audience, which is hilarious.

Cholaheta could take him down in two seconds.

Simon and Paula argue over who should go first. Paula gets stuck with it and says when he picks a song it’s his gift to the world but this song is untouchable and his gift is a big sack of poop and the world was hoping for a Wii or an iPhone. Simon says it was flat out horrible, lightweight and stupid because he was a really bad imitation of MJ. Randy thinks he has more in him but didn’t show it. Anoop hopes to get another chance next week. Skara didn’t like that he showed no vocal variation and didn’t feel connected to him. Anoop thickens his country accent, which is what I do when I make mistakes at work. “I’m so sorry your order is wrong, dumplin! Let me talk to those fellas in the kitchen and see if we can’t arrange a taste party in your little ole mouth, umkay? Hold tight!” He looks forward to coming back next week. Sadly, he probably will be back because people lose their shit over this kid for some reason. You already had a second chance and you boned it! NEXT.

Tink asks Simon if he regrets making it a Top 13 this time and Simon says after that performance yes. Anoop says he was just trying to show energy. Mission accomplished. Now try and show some not suckage. When we come back from break, Tink is talking to his mom and his Nana (I think, they are his family right? Confused.). Nana admits to wanting to bang Randy.

I’ll take my teeth out and show you a world you’ve never known, stud.

Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr. is next. About a hundred people pile into a studio apartment and party. The family kinda broke apart after his grandpa died, but they’re back together as long as he’s on the show because there’s only one TV among em. His brother assures us that the island of Puerto Rico is small, but it’s heart is beeg. And so is it’s supply of eyebrow wax.

“Never Can Say Goodbye” starts, and it’s a super cheezy Love Boat version. Love it. He gets more and more cruise shippy as he goes along and he misses a couple high notes, but the guy is so committed that it’s hard not to like him. Plus, vocally, he just blew Anoop and Kris into another world.

Tell Senorita Joolie to meet me and the Pack de Raton on the deck de amor for a leedle get to know me love maky time.

Randy loves him but thinks the song was too old fashioned. Skara says that he’s one of the most emotionally connected but she didn’t feel it tonight. Skara is complaining about connection a lot tonight. Someone give the woman a damn hug. Paula says she’s got “mad love over this whole panel for you.” HUH? She asks what drew him to the song and he’s all que? So she simplifies it and asks what compelled him to choose it. I was waiting for him to ask que? again just to see how big of a word Paula could make. He says that he shose it cuz he didn’t have a shoice and didn’t know what to do. “I’m no gonna sing ‘Bad’ by Michael Jackson!” Simon retorts “well you sort of did.” LOL. The audience cracks up at that before remembering to boo, which is a bad sign for Samuel. Simon thinks it was corny and the arrangement sucked and he couldn’t wait for it to end.

Corkey’s next. She insists that she’s never been on stage except for high school choir. I don’t believe it! That epileptic dancing is so polished. Her brother has turned twenty one today, so to celebrate he dresses like Silent Bob’s friend from Clerks.

Mom is just as gorgeous as her daughter and says Corkey has always been a camera whore. Corkey says that she tried out for musicals and solos and choirs and never made anything. I love that her high school in Utah had a higher bar than AI. Being thin and pretty doesn’t do much for you in Utah cuz everyone’s like that. But in Hollywood boom. The girl who couldn’t get cast in the school musical bleached her hair, bought a push up bra and is now being told she’s going to be a recording star. She cries and tells us how much she misses her kid. Well hopefully you’ll be back with him soon cuz you’re already on my last nerve. She’s singing “Rockin Robin”. LOL wtf? Is she kidding? Nope. There she goes. MJ is gonna be hellapissed that he wrote so many songs and she chose to do a cover of a cheese cover his dad made him sing against his will.

She growls and does her cartoon villain voice and her tribute to epilepsy. She starts getting a bit nervous as the song goes on so she yells more. This is one of her best performances, and it was by far the most painful of the night. She beat “Bad”, which is impressive. Skara likes that she can put her stamp on anything she touches. Bad bad singing isn’t a stamp, Skara. She says it wasn’t the most overwhelming vocal, but she injected her personality. Paula loves her unique tone but she felt disconnected. Paula thinks she will stay cuz she’s gorgeous but at some point should, like, sing well. Simon says it was a stupid song choice, the vocals weren’t good, the whole thing was clumsy and awkward and if it was the first time we’d seen her she would have bombed. Randy didn’t like the song choice either. Simon asks Gordon Ramsey what he thinks. We can’t hear what he says but Simon says he doesn’t know what he’s talking about anyway. Man I would love to hear what he said.

I have never believed in anyone as little as I believe in you right now.

Hambert’s up next, and unless he’s wearing this, I’m not interested.

He talks about what a struggle it is to try and make it as an artist in Hollywood. Some people have stories about working as characters on Hollywood Blvd or bussing tables or cleaning bathrooms to get by, but he had the most degrading job of all. Performing in a musical with Val Kilmer.

Ham’s singing “Black or White”. He starts with the traditional arrangement and for the first time sounds a little bit stunted. But then he kicks it up into his own arrangement, which allows him to do his thing. He screams and yells and throws a fit onstage. I know that this guy is pretty universally loved, but OUCH already Jesus. He sounds like a kid letting air out of a balloon by pulling the blow hole really tight. The audience goes nuts again, and Paula is beside herself. She yells that never in the history of the show have they seen someone so comfortable and seasoned and he’s married music and fashion. LOL. See above pic. Simon thinks it was in a whole different league than everyone else and his over the topness was perfect. Randy adds that since day one he’s been the most current and he could be at the top of the charts right now. Skara gives him props for hitting notes that she didn’t even know existed. I give him props for sounding like coyote’s ripping apart a possum.

Tink says it’s the first time Paula’s done a “herky” this year, which I think is that thing she does that looks like she’s dreaming of falling and then waking up with a start. She mutters something incoherent and Simon reminds her that there’s still ten weeks left and she needs to make her blatant drug addiction more of a gradual build or the audience will become desensitized to it and tune her out.

Someone get Tink’s Nana a condom.

Gums is next with “Human Nature”. His video is mostly his dad crying over getting to play so much ping pong with his kid. It’s sweet, and disturbing. He’s behind the piano for this one, and he sounds the most like MJ. Ham’s a tough act to follow, but Gums is pretty damn good. He misses a few notes at first but eases into it and riffs his little butt off. The fals riffs start off great but then he veers off the path. He can riff, and that’s pretty much all he does. Still, nice! Randy calls out the pitch problems but thinks it was a good performance overall and thinks he’s got the JT thing going on. Skara says he’s talented and should stay for weeks and weeks. Paula says he’s sexy and great. Simon says following Ham is tough but that was a very solid meat and potatoes performance.

Alexis is up next. Her video is about learning to sing the blues from her dad, who looks like Stevie Nicks. All he needs is one of Paula’s outfits to be supersized.

She cries about her kid being all smart and stuff, and it’s cute.

She is smart! She can already make Oil Rig Bear face!

Alexis is singing “Dirty Diana”. She’s wearing a micro micro mini with what look like tights. Wait. They’re hose. Her little butt cheeks are hanging out. She’ll either get a recording career out of this or another baby. Win/win. She does a pretty good job wailing and growling the song out, but after Allison it’s kinda meh. She has more range, but in ate up rocker years, she’s very very young and inexperienced compared to Cholaheta. She looks like a tiny hungry child whore.

The girl definitely can sing, but if she’s trying to be a Kelly Clarkson, that role’s been filled already by a bigger talent. She should go softer or gentler. Or put on some pants. Something. When she finishes, she has a look of calm triumph on her face, which is annoying. I like singers to hate themselves for a bit and learn to love themselves when money starts coming in. Isn’t that just the natural progression?

Audience NUTS. Skara says she’s a naughty girl and she likes it. Paula says she likes sexy but it was a bit over sung. Simon thinks it was over the top and not as good as she thinks. Only one over singing ham allowed on the show at a time, I guess. Randy agrees. I guess they caught the look too. And now for the voting controversy. Since I guess Nigel never though of buying 1866IDOLS 13, the producers went with IDOLS36. Everyone’s already complaining about the controversy and saying it’s not fair. Hanging chads! I predict the show will be put on hold while the Supreme Court decides the outcome. The best part of this is that IDOLS13 goes to a sex line. Most viewers who just watched that performance would probably think they put in a vote for Alexis. “When did they start giving over the phone hand jobs for nineteen ninety nine and a vote?”

Who do you guys think is out? I’m gonna go with Corkey and Anoop. The show is starting right now!! See you in the next cappy.