Hello, my dearies!!! You must have been good little troublemakers this week, because you get two HappyHousewife recaps for the price of one! Whee! Tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, American Idol: The Denver Auditions. I’m super excited for this one, because Denver is a city near and dear to my heart. It’s where I met and married HappyHusband, and gave birth to HappyDaughter #1 and HappyDaughter #2. Aw.
See, I actually have a heart, unlike BITCH here.
I had a ton of fun recapping the Wh-Orlando auditions, mostly because discussing it afterwards in the comments with you guys was so much fun (Lissadoll-marry me), and it’s American Idol, so I really don’t give a flying fork if it’s a Pulitzer Prize winning recap or not. Hell, if I won a Pulitzer Prize for recapping American Idol, I’d have to turn it down, because McDreamy knows I don’t want my name associated with that crap for the rest of my life.
Ruined by BITCH.
According to the opening montage, tonight we’re in store for a lot of people who are angry because they suck, the best voice in Denver, and some strategically placed blurring that they want you to think is a naked person coming in to audition (spoiler=it’s some asshat dude in a bikini).
They also take the time to remind us that five years ago, Chris Daughtry auditioned in Denver. Holy shit, talk about getting it wrong..like I’ve said before, I haven’t watched Idol in years so I went back to read about the season….Taylor Hicks won, and Kat McPhee (who isn’t much better), Daughtry, and Kellie Pickler all got cut before him? Shit, pretty much anyone else in the top ten was a better choice than Taylor Hicks! I don’t even like Daughtry all that much, but he’s cool, his music certainly doesn’t offend my ears, and he’s a way better adult rock choice than Suckelback. George W and Taylor Hicks-proof that the majority of Americans should not be allowed to decide anything important. Anyhoo….
We then see the usual assortment of clips from future losers telling us how they are the next American Idol. Uh-huh. Luckily, after that, things take a turn for the better, because I find out who the guest judge is….Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice and Mrs. David Beckham herself!!! Surprising that me, a
fat fluffy mommy from the Burbs who shops at Target would be a huge Vicky B fan, but oh yes, I am. I love her ferocity, her commitment to being fierce at all times, and I think I picked some of my love for her up in all my years of fag hagdom. Not to mention she gets to polish Becks’ balls….yum freaking yum.
Don’t turn sideways, Posh, you might disappear!!
I am not surprised to report that she is really that skinny. I’ve heard that the camera adds ten pounds, but it doesn’t seem to be true in her case. How did she have THREE children and still look like that? I know it’s possible to lose all your baby weight (I mean, not personally, ha, but for some people) but your hips spread and shit like that and there is nothing you can do! Apparently not only is Beckham the golden boy, he has magical golden sperm that only produces boys that don’t make you wide while you gestate them. Amazing.
And what I love the most about Vicky B’s appearance is that she is sitting next to BITCH and she is the only chick in the world that can make BITCH look fat! For the win!!
Before entering the audition room, Randy and Simon discuss how much they like Miss B. Randy cracks a joke about how someone said that he looks like the darker version of David Beckham.
And I just lost my erection, thanks.
Mistaken identity was also apparently a problem for our first auditioner this evening. Mark is here to try out and has been told his entire adult life that he looks like Jack Black. I see a slight similarity, but I also see a slight similarity between myself and Cindy Crawford, you see what I mean? Not so much.
Well, he’s got the annoying fat guy part down pat.
We find out, in the most ridiculous and convoluted way ever, that Mark was abducted by his mother when he was a child. All four judges ask him ridiculous questions throughout his story and get everything all confused, why, I don’t know, but let me break it down for you-she took him from his Dad when he was four, and they were on the run for six years-lived in cars, tents, church compounds, crazy shit…ended up in Maui where his dad found him when he was ten and brought him back to Colorado. Now he’s all grown up with a kid of his own and everything is all hunky-dory.
Mark’s going to be singing “Tempted” by Squeeze, which is a freaking GREAT song choice. Not only is it a classic, unique song choice, I think it will work well for him.
And it must be, because while he’s singing, we get to see close ups of all the judges faces going from straight to smiling. Is that the universal you’re good sign or something? And, honestly, he killed it. Great song choice, he totally got into it and rode the beat well, even BITCH starting clapping along. Well done.
Vicky B admits she was irritated when he first came in because she thought he was going to be one of the douches making a joke out of the tryout, but was pleasantly surprised when he did very well.
Actually, I was irritated because YOU ARE FAT.
Everybody gives him a yes and Fatboy is onto Hollywood, whoo hoo! He dedicates his Golden Ticket to his son, and his mom, who he says couldn’t be there…if I had to guess, it would probably be because she’s in PRISON for CHILD ABDUCTION. But whatever.
We then hear about how all people waiting to audition are nervous, and how everybody has a different way to cope-we see some people praying, some people singing, one guy offering his Xanax to fellow auditiongoers(whee, sign me up!), and some people have annoying nervous laughs….cue the latest socially awkward douchetard who’s going to suck.
This screencap does not do this guy justice…that coat was ankle length, to maximize the douchiness.
This is Mario, a big gay awkward dork with the most annoying laugh ever (no, not Perez, although I understand why you might be confused). He sings “Jailhouse Rock,” and while he sounds like a GREAT Elvis impersonator, our next American Idol he is not. Simon tries to make fun of him, but the dude is so aloof he’s not even picking up on the fact that he’s being scoffed at so they finally just tell him no and send him on his way. Thank goodness.
After the commercial break, Sir Gaycrest pontificates via voiceover that whether you are in Denver to enjoy the skiing, river rafting, or general outdoorsy stuff, you are always ensured to enjoy it in fresh clean air (which is SO not true…shit can get seriously stagnant up at elevation, I had never seen smog until I moved there), that is, unless Idol is in town. We are treated to a showing of temper tantrums by losers, including one dreadlocked “trustafarian” (trust fund baby that dresses, smokes, and not showers like a hippie, but lives off Mommy and Daddy’s money and drives a brand new…you guessed it…Subaru) who kept smacking the camera, a skinny version of Fantasia crying to her Mommy on the phone about how they are keeping everyone who can’t sing and cutting those who can, various skanks cursing and flipping off the camera but being censored by those annoying AI logos, and one fat chick who was trying to get away from the camera by walking in between two planters but couldn’t fit, ha ha.
I’m sad because I eat and I eat because I’m sad!
Next up is a Brittany Murphy (RIP) lookalike in a very bad, very cheap wig. She has a daughter, and by the sound of the background music, it’s obvious she’s a sob story candidate. By the looks of the wig, I presume her sadness is going to be that she has The Cancer, in which case I will feel bad and be nice. However, we find out that her sob story is that she’s a whore and a single mom. Wah, cry me a river. Try not getting knocked up by a douchebag, then you won’t be a single mom. Anyhoo, she sings “The Way I Am,” by Ingrid Michaelson.
Good luck finding anyone to love you “just the way I am” with that broke ass wig.
Meh. That song is meant to be sung softly, lilting, even, and she does. But so could anyone, really-it doesn’t require a strong voice to make it sound okay. She’s trying too hard in the performance part, making all these obnoxious gestures and posturing way too hard. She sings the line about “I’ll buy you Rogaine,” to Simon, and everyone thinks it is SO funny, ha ha fucking ha.
Randy says yes because she made fun of Simon, Vicky B says yes because she is skinny, BITCH says yes because Vicky did, and Simon says yes because he wants to bone her. On to Hollywood!!!
So far, Day 1 in Denver has been very successful. Almost everyone who has tried out has gotten a golden ticket. No wonder Simon’s in such a good mood-he’s been busy in the “green room” “privately auditioning” the ones who have made it.
Next up is Danelle Hayes, another single mom. She’s from Seattle (woot!), and is a karaoke host/songwriter/wedding singer trying to make a go at it as a professional musician. I like her. I think she’s real, and I think she honestly busts her ass to try to make a living.
Are we sure she’s not from East LA with the bandanna and hoop earrings pairing?
When she gets up in front of the judges, she starts crying-she says the pressure is getting to her, because she really wants and needs to make it as a professional. I get that, but don’t go all Susan Boyle on us, chickie. BITCH is actually pretty sweet to her, saying she understands how hard it is to try to make it-cause she still hasn’t, ha ha.
Danelle sings “I’m The Only One,” by Melissa Etheridge, one of my favorite songs EVER. I think she only does ok…I thinks she pushes it too hard, a bit screamy. Simon says she seems almost a bit broken, but she may have made it to them in the nick of time. Randy says yes, Vicky says yes, Kara says 100% yes, and Simon agrees, and she has made it! I’m not convinced on her singing but I like her and hope she does well.
Another montage, this one talking about the fashion choices of all the contestants. So, is that like the cool thing to do? All the little fanboys and girls put down the WoW for a day, put on their best ComicCon getup and go make an ass out of themselves at the AI auditions for a small chance to be on TV? Wow, apparently I’ve been missing out, having a life and all. Shit.
After that trainwreck, up comes Casey James. He’s from Texas, kind of good looking in the classic cowboy John Wayne way. He’s just happy to be here, because when he was 21 he was in a serious car accident that almost killed him. The accident changed him, and he desperately wants to make it to Hollywood. He sings, and his voice is good, but not fab. Simon says that he has zero personality or charisma when he sings, and I totally agree. Dead in the eyes, dawg. Vicky B and BITCH don’t care, because they think he’s hot. They have him take his hair down from the ponytail and try to sell him to Simon. Ha, I make jokes when I’m not even trying.
BITCH tells him he needs to work on his personality, and he says he’s willing to do anything to make it. BITCH preys upon the opportunity to tell him to take his shirt off….
…and I’m not really impressed.
Like, sure, he’s cute, but he’s not toned or buff or anything to
cheat on HappyHusband with write home about. Meh. So obviously, BITCH and Vicky say yes, Simon says no, and Randy ends up saying yes because he wants to suck him off…I mean, he wants to make the ladies happy and hopes he’ll prove him wrong. Yeah, not going to happen. Anyhoo..
Next up is a total cutie pie named Tori Kelly.
Yes, she’s hot. No, she’s not legal. Back off.
She’s 16, so this is her first year to try out, and she’s determined to make it, because this is her life’s dream! Oh, to be 16 and naive. How sweet. Even cuter than her is her little sister Hope, who’s like eightish, and comes in to meet the judges and give them all pictures she drew of them. It was sweet, they’re all really nice to her, Vicky B surprised me by even pulling her up onto her lap. I actually think Vicks is a real mom who hangs out with her kids because she was very at ease with the little girl and not all, where’s the bloody nanny?
But about Tori-she sings “Gravity” by John Mayer, and as much as I want her to be good-she’s 16. No depth, too sharp, too high, just not it. BITCH and Vicky think she’s gorgeous and has great style and a good voice. Simon thinks her voice is annoying, which is impressive-I thought he’d put her through on looks alone. He must not like jailbait. Randy, Vicks, and BITCH all says yes to override Simon’s no and get her through to Hollywood. Yay.
End of Day 1, thank the fucking McDreamy.
Day 2 begins with a total . His name is Austin, he’s from Washington, DC but goes to CU (oh, that’s his problem-Fuck the Buffs-Go Rams!!!) and is a longsnapper on their football team. A longsnapper is the dude that hikes the ball back to the kicker on kickoff-so he’s lamer than the fucking kicker! Basically, he doesn’t do shit but still gets the glory and the pussy that goes along with wearing the jersey-and he even admits that in interview. Lovely. He’s also a cocky, dorky, total asshat that looks like a skinny version of Jay Mohr.
Except he’s not banging Nikki Cox. Nevermind, that might be to his advantage these days.
He sings a song I’m not familiar with, and while he’s very sharp on the high notes, as much as I want him to be terrible-he’s not the most awful thing I’ve ever heard. He thinks he’s WAY better than he is though. Surprisingly, BITCH is turned off by his cockiness. She doesn’t like anyone else being an attention whore in the same room as her. Simon thinks he’s annoying, Vicky B thinks he sucked, Randy says no to go along with the crowd. Austin makes an argument that he could be marketed well, but everyone else still gives him an emphatic no-hopefully it will knock him down a rung or two.
Next up is Howdy Doody if he was black, gay, and deluded himself into thinking he was Mary J. Blige.
His name is Kenny, and he seriously thinks he is the male Mary J. He spends his days trolling around a park near his home singing all of her hits, and he is fierce…at least, that’s what the voices in his head tell him.
Predictably, he sings Mary J, and also predictably, he sucks. Beyond anything has ever sucked before. Like, beyond how much Pammy A sucks peen. Simon tells him it was awful and all he did was scream at them, and the other three follow up with no’s as well. This prompts Kenny to start screaming “No More Drama.” They tell him it’s getting worse and he needs to leave, when Vicky B feels bad and pipes up with, “Well, it was a good choice of song…” he sings some more and finally gets booted the eff out. Lawdy, child.
We see clips of many sucky people, including one Kristen Stewart looking bitch who screeched loud enough to “kill all of the cats in Denver” according to Simon, and just when we think all the talent is gone, up comes some chick named Nicci Nix. Her story is that she traveled the furthest out of anyone to come to the auditions today-all the way from Italy. Her story also revolves around her voice-imagine Minnie Mouse with an Italian accent. Seriously. It was cute for the first thirty seconds, then I was ready to choke her the fuck out. Anyhoo. Everyone is all impressed that she came so far, flew 14 hours, dedication, blah blah.
Gaycrest, can I borrow one of your ballgags to shut this bitch up?
Simon tries to make a joke about “eating helium” but Nicci doesn’t hear him and it fails. Vicky then says she’s cute and fills out her dress, which is Posh speak for saying she’s fat. She sings a Girls Aloud song, and it’s pretty obvious from the singing that despite her best efforts, her speaking voice is fake because her singing voice is deeper. The judges notice but they think it’s cute, they all say yes and she gets through.
Funny story-Friday it came out in all the gossip rags that this chick is full of shit. Apparently she has been on like, 4 other reality shows including Making the Band, but she used different names and different voices on all of them-what the french? AI hasn’t said anything about it yet, which leads me to believe either she didn’t make it through Hollywood week so it’s a moot point or they’re trying to figure out what to do because she screwed them. Or they knew about her past and set it up to look otherwise. Who knows.
Our final contestant of the night is Haeley Vaughn. Her special story is that not only is she a black girl who sings pop country Taylor Swift style, she was born two months early and only weighed two pounds at birth. This actually touches my cold, medicated heart because HappyDaughter #2 was two months early and only weighed four pounds. (She’s now a very healthy, very sassy, 3 year old 30 pound ball of pain in my ass, yay for happy endings:) Also, her dad died young, so that is sad too. And probably guarantees her a golden ticket, but we shall see.
Hopefully they do not discriminate against her massive overbite and freakishly large upper lid, cause I sure as hell would.
She sings a Carrie Underwood song, and sounds pretty good, but I can freaking hear her overbite in her singing, if that makes sense, and it drives me nuts. Simon and Randy call her out on it, calling it a lisp. They like her because she is bubbly and infectious, and unique-she’s like the only black pop country singer out there. Not surprisingly, she gets yesses across the board and is going to Hollywood, along with 26 other hopefuls from day 2!
And, as I spoke of earlier, the last auditioner was some douchenozzle from a radio station in Denver who showed up with a cold sore on his lip and in a bikini. Obviously production was in on it, because the minute he walked in, the judges all got up and walked out. Ha freaking ha. I’m tired, I’m out of wine, and I’m not amused.
Alrighty, my Gasmic Darlings, save for the clip show coming up, we are freaking DONE with the Idol auditions!!! Are you as excited as I am? I can hardly stand it. Who do you think is going to make the Top 24? I sure as fuck won’t be watching but you guys will have to tell me all about it! Stay tuned for the hilarious, god-like Flipit’s recaps of the actual show! Kisses to all my bitches!
Love and Bubbles,