American Idol: Four Rooms Full Of Crazay

Hello again music fans! It’s me, J-Mo, already back from the land of MTV and I’ve been lucky enough to land this one-off recap for a show that people actually want to watch. We’ve reached that critical point in tonight’s competition where yet another cut is going to be made, people are going to scream, shout, laugh, sob, cry, and shit their pants…

…and this wackjob is going to do all six at the same time…

…yes, on tonight’s fascinating episode of American Idol, we have to wait an entire hour to see four rooms of people hear the words “yes” or “no”. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised considering last season they stretched the extended Ford / Coke / AT&T commercial results show into an hour-long bore-snore with 30 seconds of “drama” in it. But that’s neither here nor there, because tonight it’s allllll about The Tatiana, and she’s got enough crazay weirdness in her to fill up several hours of prime-time television. Everybody got their earplugs, comfort food and akamahol? Good! Then we’re ready to take the jump!…I can’t say enough how much I love Tatiana Del Toro, she is fast becoming a favorite of mine with her over-the-top brand of specialness (and no, I don’t mean “special” in the Sesame Street kind of way… I mean “special” as in short-bus, puffy rooms, blunt scissors, edible paints’n'paste, heavily medicated and drooling kind of way). But I’m getting ahead of myself…

In case you just dug yourself out of your home-made backyard bomb shelter (that you dove into back in 1962 during the Cuban Missile Crisis), Ryan Sea(men)crest is here to remind you that we started out with eleventy-seventeen million billion jillion skillion hillion quillion people auditioning… and now we’re down to 72! “If they get cut… it was all for nothing!” he intones. That is correct, because they will be marched off and shot to death. Or so he would have us believe. Drama queen.

Hey, it looks like there is another big humpy daddy-bear still in the competition besides the original Big Daddy Oil Rig Roughneck Michael Sarver, only this one’s a welder named Matt Breitzke and he’s just as cute…

…my crotch is votin’ for ya, big boy!…

Whoopsie! The BF just walked in and I had to scramble for a throw pillow to jam in my lap. Anyhow, there was so much drama in the last episode with the group auditions… we get to see Nathaniel(la) Marshall (and his butch Alice band) screeching and crying and gaying out all over the place… again… but today the contestants will all get to leave that group shit behind and perform solo, with a band, backup singers… and if they choose… an instrument! I should so be on this show, I can play the triangle like a motherfucker.

Ryan is skulking backstage and talking about how today it’s “do or die” and I notice that he’s wearing a boring navy-blue cardigan and looks kinda like Fred Rogers (if Mr. Rogers had been botoxed to within an inch of death and liked dick as much as I do)…

…I have alll-ways wanted to have-a-neighbor… just.. like.. you…

In case you didn’t realize they’re in Hollywood, California, Ryan tells us they’re in Hollywood, California, and it’s Day Four of “Hell Week” and the setting is what RyRy calls “the historic Kodak Theatre”. Historic? It was built in 2001 for Jeebus’ sake! We see the Top 72 being herded into a holding area to await news of their fate, while our esteemed judging panel is in the theatre itself making super-important decisions…

…”Okay, so we’re getting a Pu-Pu Platter for four, Wor Wonton soup, Moo Goo Gai Pan, Sweet’N'Sour Pork, Kung Pao Beef and Sesame Chicken…”…

Okay, no, actually the judges are deciding who goes into which of the four rooms, which seems kind of unnecessary when you could just have two… one for “Possible Future Singers” and the other for “Possible Future Unemployment Statistics”… but then we’d miss out on all the intense drama, right? Wait, how are they going to decide this shit when we haven’t seen anybody perform?

Ahhh, but suddenly there’s a big videotape rewind and we’re going back in time to the beginning of the day. What are they trying to do, turn this into an episode of Lost? Thank God they showed footage of a rising sun and the legend “7:00 am” on the screen or I’d be hopelessly confused. We see shots of contestants yawning, stretching, playing guitars and generally looking like death on a cupcake…

…except for Tatiana Del Toro, who looks as fresh as a crazy-daisy because insanity never sleeps…

Everybody picks numbers to see the order of the day, and after everyone is seated in those “historic” seats, Gaycrest helpfully explains that they’ll each go up and sing one by one, and that alllll those people you see sitting behind the “instruments” on the “stage” are the “band” and those not-so-pretty-ladies standing by the “microphones” towards the back are the “backup singers”. Gee thanks, Ryan, I’m so glad you’re here to guide us through the intricacies of an “audition”… I thought all those people standing around were from Paula Abdul’s entourage/drug cartel!

One nice thing, there will be no critiquing after each person sings, so Kara DioBitchi won’t have a chance to be all cooze-ish to the young female contestants who are prettier than her and it will keep her from trying to hand her hotel keycard to all the guys who aren’t giant flamers. Hands off the Big Daddies, Kara! First out of the chute tonight is GayGothâ„¢ Adam Lambert, who could easily have been chosen for RuPauls Drag Race…

…you betta work, bitch!…

There’s a quick flashback to Kara DioBitchi chiding him for being so “musical theatre” in his last audition round, while Adam attempts to stuff his traitorous jazz-hands in his pockets to hide them. He says he wants to be on the show so he can “take a song that we’ve heard a million times and kinda like, twist it…” I’m betting Adam likes to twist things. Like his nipples, for starters.

Doing absolutely nothing to dispel the stench of his musical theatricality (read: extreme gayness) is Adam’s song choice for today’s audition. “It’s ‘Believe’, by Cher!” he gushes to Ryan, who gives a somber “Oh boy.” when he hears this. “But I won’t do disco… I promise!” he reassures Ryan, who looks disappointed. I bet RyKrisp lip-synchs to that song nightly in his Bel-Air mansion.

Adam wasn’t lying, he’s doing the Emo Piano Ballad Remix Versionâ„¢ of the song, and he’s pretty much sucked all the life out of it and smeared cheap CVS eyeliner all over it at the same time. He doesn’t even do the echoes that belong in the phrase, “Do you beLEEVE in life after love-after love-after love-after love…” instead turning “love” into a high-pitched and warbly glory-note that garners him applause from the other waiting contestants while it shits all over Cher. Unfuckingforgivable. It doesn’t help that he makes a lot of Constipation Faceâ„¢…

…”I can feel something inside me say, ‘I really don’t think you’re strong enough!’… Unnnnnnhhhhh!”…

He’s gonna pop a ‘rrhoid if he’s not careful. The judges are expressionless. Or Paula has passed out and is sleeping with her eyes half-open. Anyhow, next up is Matt Giraud from Kalamazoo, MI, whom Simon said reminded him of Elliott Yamin. Hopefully he meant vocally and not in the busted-grill sense. Thank God Elliott got that shit fixed, my own teefs used to hurt just looking at him.

Matt is a keyboard player, and he does kinda have that blue-eyed-raspy-soul thing going on as he pounds out “Georgia On My Mind”, doing a decent job of switching back and forth between his chest-voice and falsetto. It sounds so soulful, in fact, that DioBitchi starts going “Woo!” and weaving back and forth in her chair like the black girl she just knows she is…

…all she needs is a ReeRee Hat and she’s the Queen Of Soul!…

Matt gets a standing ovulation from Paula Abdul. Or maybe somebody just said the words “Valium & Vodka!” out loud and she’s clapping like a trained seal that’s been promised a fishie. Anyways, flashing forward in time (*whooooosh!*) back in the holding room, the incredible tension is getting to the two “best friends” in the competition… Robert Downey, Jr Lookalike Danny Gokey and Usher Wannabee Jamar Rogers.

Flashing back again (*zzzzzzip!*) we get to see their auditions earlier in the day. Jamar is happily hacking his way through the Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah” and I can’t stop looking at all his finger-tatts…

…what does “PIST” mean?…

And at first I thought that thing on his face was a badly-tattooed tear (a la Li’l Wayne) but then I realized it’s a face-piercing. Jeez, these kids today, I guess having some zit-pits just ain’t enough, now you have to jam earrings sideways into your cheeks in order to be cool. Excuse me while I go yell at the neighbor kids to get off my lawn. I didn’t really care for his tone, nor his weird staccato lyric interpretations (I giggled when he sang “give this song another listen, close your ai-ai-aiyes…” and “Oh, it’s what you do to mee-ee-eeee…”) I’m sure Usher is breathing a huh-yooge sigh of relief and getting back to banging his G.I.L.F. of a wife.

Backstage, Jamar and Robert Danny Gokey Jr. spend a few minutes telling each other how awesome they are (Jamar gives an aside to the camera regarding Danny’s praise, saying “He has to say that, cuz he’s my guy!”) and now it’s time for Danny to sing. He’s doing the Lee Ann Womack version of “I Hope You Dance” (seriously, if you want to hear a good version of this song, check out Oleta Adams’ take on it, it’s so much better). Anyhow, Danny’s doing pretty well with it, so much so that Paula actually wakes up…

…even more amazing is the fact that she can even sit upright at all under the lovely collection of Thanksgiving Turkey Platters strung around her neck…

God, he even sounds like Robert Downey, Jr.! Maybe Paula has mistaken Danny for Robert and thinks she can score some coke from him. Anyways, he kinda goes for a big glory note at the end of the song and cracks. Not so good. And we head to commercial…

…what a text message of love from Top Chef‘s Fabio looks like…

…and we’re back (I mees u 2 Fabio!) and just in time to watch Anoop Dogg Desai emulating his apparent Idol, Bobby Brown (or maybe Britney’s more his style) while wailing through “My Prerogative”. Bleh. We also get a smidge of Puerrrrrrto Rrrrrican native Jorge Nuñez (and his Very Brady Bunch perm) shouting Ne-Yo’s “Closer”. Meh. Ahhh, here’s the almost totally blind guy from Phoenix, Scott MacIntyre, and he’s playing the keyboard… UGH, and he’s singing Giant Poser Tool’s Daughtrey’s horribly overplayed and banal song from last season, “I’m Going Home”… why, oh whyyyy, is he dooooing that??!??…

…ahh, well, Scotty gets a pass, he’s never witnessed the Giant Poser Toolishnessâ„¢ of Daughtrey…

They flash back to his original audition, and to be honest, he sounds much better there than he does here. I think he lacks that certain “I’m so awesome.” ‘tude that Chris(t) Daughtrey embodies so well. Plus he seems to be more charismatic than that, so singing hack songs like “I’m Going Home” tends to subvert his talent.

Moving on, here’s Interchangeable Blonde Boobsy Chick (or I.B.B.C.) Kendall Beard, screeching her way through every scorned woman’s fantasy, Carrie Underwear’s “Before He Cheats”. I swear, Carrie’s certainly made Willful Destruction of Property sexy again. Kendall? Not so much. Although, to give her some small credit, something about her overly-perky smile says to me Kendall might have beat the shit out of a car or two in her day…

…sweet like two scoops of sugar in your gas tank…

Ahhh, here’s another 16 year old, Stevie Wright (named after Stevie Nicks, only without the Nicks and the witchy gypsy-esque wardrobe) and she’s doing a rather deep-voiced and deadened version of Colbie Caillat’s “Bubbly” (which now sounds anything but) followed by “mother of three” Lil Rounds (whose rounds are anything but li’l, although it’s evident that she’s a mother from the way they’re rapidly heading south on her) and she has of course chosen to scream her way through the song that apparently all black girls are required to sing by this show… Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You”. Doesn’t anybody realize Alicia’s actually come out with another album since that damned song? Ugh. NEXT…

Oh my, here’s another I.B.B.C., but this one had the generously awful task of being in a group with Nathaniella Alice Band and Angry Beet Red Fake Hair Nancy… it’s Kristin MacNamara from Team Suckage Compromise. Ryan’s telling her how she’s remained so calm in the midst of all the drama exploding around her. Of course she’s calm… she’s boring! RyGuy goes on to ask her why she didn’t let Angry Nancy get to her (you may remember Fake Hair was the only one cut from that group and gave Kristin a generous “Fuck you!” when she left the stage) and Kristin says “My mom always told me that ‘loose lips sink ships’…”

…hmmmm, I think “F-bombs shock moms” is far more apropos…

Yeeeeah, I’m not so sure how well her mom’s whole wartime battleship analogy worked in that ugly little situation. Anyhow, Ryan asks Kristin what she would do if Angry Fake Hair Nancy was behind her right now because they were going to do an interview with her where she said she was sorry. Then Ryan looks over her shoulder and says “Nancy?…” and Kristin looks over her shoulder too, straining her eyes for Nucular Beet Red Hair Weave bobbing around in the darkness. Ha ha on you, Kristin! Ryan faked you out! I say stab him with an eyeliner pencil.

Oh well, Kristin’s hoarsely shrieking her way around the song that apparently all white girls are required to sing by this show… Kelly Clarkson’s “Because Of You” (while I’m wishing she had done Ne-Yo’s “Because Of You”, that song is so much more better and funner!). Kristin’s got what sounds to be a great case of laryngitis shaping up, and I’m thinking put some jam on her, she’s toast….

…because of Kelly Clarkson she now has a raging case of TMJ…

Let’s check in with Mishavonna Henson, who’s been trying to be on this show since last season (she got cut on the 2nd day of Hollywood last year… it was sad, cuz she cried). Mishavonna’s saying how much her family supports her, and that every time there’s a family get-together, they’re always trying to get her to sing. That’s certainly better than what Dirty Uncle Harold tries to get her to do at those same family gatherings. Anyhow, Mishavonna’s doing an even more lounge-singerish version (if that’s even possible) of Michael Bublé’s “Everything”. It’s verrrrry breathy and seems a tad inappropriately sexualized. Dirty Uncle Harold would approve.

Back to the future, it looks like the Four Judges (Cranky, Dumby, Bitchy and Drunky) have made enough decisions to cause several people to be taken out of the main holding room and put in “Room 1″…

…which has nary a piece of furniture in sight…

Jeez, Fox, couldn’t you have rented a few fucking folding chairs so they didn’t have to sprawl about on the floor like a bunch of homeless squatters? Although, I guess some of them should start getting their practice on that now….

After the commercials, the judges have decided another 18 names to be taken to “Room 2″, including Ricky Bratty, Big Daddy Michael Sarver, Sickly Alex Wagner-Trugman… and Queen Of The Blight, Tatiana Del Toro! Everybody in Room 2 shits their pants when they see her come breezing in (and more than a couple people begin searching through their purses and man-bags for an extra Valium or two to pop like Tic-Tacs). I love it (and her)!

As an added treat, we get a nice flashback showing Tatiana’s “extensive song repertoire”, which means every time the judges say they don’t like what she just sang, she launches into yet another song, and in the process destroys Whitney Houston, Etta James, and The Jackson 5. This girl is talented. However, today she’s set her sights on Just Whitney, and is revisiting “I’m Your WackJob Baby Tonight”. Truthfully, she seems to have a pretty decent voice, but that doesn’t seem to make her any less wonky, and towards the end of the song she completely leaves the band and backup singers in the lurch as she belts out an impromptu melisma run, then suddenly backs waaaay off into a quiet (and weird) little bunch of accapella “ooooh-ooooooh”s. All the judges are smirking at one another…

…and yes, that is the patented Mariah Carey Dismissive Waveâ„¢…

Backstage after her audition, Tatiana’s on Cloud 937, babbling incoherently, smiling, waving her arms and twirling, eventually slurring “I ffffeeeelll incurEDIBLE.. I think I did awwwwwsommmme!” Well, it certainly was interesting (and a little frightening). This girl is so making it through…

Meanwhile, back on stage, Alexis Grace (with the funky punky pinky streaks in her hair) is also yelping out “Before He Cheats”. Unfortunately, her hair is far more intriguing than her singing. There’s also some guy I’ve never seen before by the name of Kenny Hoffpauer doing Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” (also unmemorable) followed by pretty Jasmine Murray aping Jorbacca Sparks’ “Tattoo”. Gee, I wonder why it is that so many of the song choices belong to former Idols? And if that’s the case, why is nobody trying to do any of Taylor Hicks’ music? Errrr, I just answered my own question.

Flashing forward to around 9:00pm in Room 2, we see that Drama Queen Nathaniella Marshall is also a part of this group and is quite busy looking all tortured and sick and emo (and more than a little bit like Natalie Maines from the Dicksy Chicks) but during his actual audition he was all smiles and playing the guitar… Jeez, I think I know that song he’s singing… is it? OMG, he’s doing an acoustic mix of Rihanna’s “Disturbia”!…

…poor Rihanna, what a week she’s having! First that horrible thing with Chris Brown, and now this!…

Throughout his performance the producers helpfully intercut scenes from Nathaniella’s many, many, many freakouts over the last few days (my favorite is him saying to Angry Fake Hair Nancy “How did we know we were gonna hate each other?” LOLz!). This is not gonna help him get votes from people. OH, and to top off the Tank of Uncomfortable, he ends his performance with a curtsey. Disturbia, indeed.

Hey, it’s time to plug this year’s American Idol Super Producer Plantâ„¢, Joanna Pashitti (a.k.a Carly Smithson ver.2.0)! And did you know that Last.fm is giving away her failed album for free? Funny how only today the good folks over at Idol’s 19 Entertainment realized just how bad having her still in the running looks for their attempts to claim unbiased judging and fair chances for everyone.

We have a big flashback of her “emotional Idol Journey” (complete with shots of Paula Abdul telling her tenderly “I think you’re worthy.” as Joanna cries…. worthy of several more shots at stardom apparently) followed by her complete boning of her final audition. She’s also attempting to sing Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You” and she’s completely forgotten the words! It sounds like she’s singing in Esperanto…

…EPIC FAIL…

I see her lips are moving, but all I’m hearing is “Naaaa dah-bah-daaaaaah, bubba-doooo, bibbidy-bobbidy-dooooo…” and she’s glaring over at the backup singers like they’re the ones who are screwing her up by, you know, actually singing the right lyrics… funny how she also looks a lot like Carly Smithson (only less tatted-up and vampirical).

This segues into poofy-haired Stephen Fowler (not the asshat from that horrible episode of “Wife Swap” the other night) who is going to play keyboard while he sings (shocker!) David Cook’s “Time Of My Life”. He apparently stayed up late the night before to work on his performance, and he’s telling us how this song isn’t “wordy… it’s not lyrically tongue-twisting.” Apparently it was twisty enough, because midway through he loses it and asks to start over again…

…making Painful Poopy-Faceâ„¢ is never a good sign…

Backstage Ryan’s whispering about how Brooke White fucked up her song on live TV last year and asked to start over again, too. Let’s see how Stephen does with his second chance… nope, all we get from him is more Poopy-Face, he’s forgotten the same lyrics in the same place, and he shrugs, bangs the keyboard and leaves the stage. Very graceful and professional, Stephen.

I’m thinking that everybody else in Room 2 is super-happy to be included with the Aphasia Crew. The judges are lining up more people, but somehow the numbers they need aren’t adding up, and they send a P.A. along to Room 2 to ask none other than Tatiana Del Toro to leave that room and wait in the hallway, where she’s demurely hitching at her silly strapless shower-curtain-dress…

…classy!…

They do not show the insane celebration that probably spontaneously erupted in Room 2 upon her departure. Dammit! Anyhoozle, we leave her standing in a hallway, and it’s time to see what’s going on with everybody’s other favorite Queen of Schizophreniaâ„¢, Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle! Cue all his wacky antics singing “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” and sliding around on the stage. When he tried to sing as Nick during the group competition, Simon still blasted him for being a joke. Nick’s contemplating whether or not it’s time to hang up his headband for his final audition… ahhh, but in the end, he just couldn’t resist and Norman Gentle comes bounding out on stage and hops up on the piano a la Fabulous Baker Boys…

…if Harvey Fierstein had played piano in that movie…

I have to say, I love this guy, too… does he have an amazing voice? Hell, no! But I just can’t resist liking someone who has gotten so far by poking fun at how deadly serious everybody takes this show. He’s warbling “Georgia On My Mind” as well, running all over the stage making crazy faces and winds up in a sexy pose on the floor…

…Mmmm-hmmm, just as I suspected…

I’m guessing whatever room he winds up in (it happens to be “Room 4″) is most likely going to lynch him on sight. It looks like the judges have finished their extremely taxing deliberations (for which they collectively are paid more than the entire government budget of Zimbabwe) and made their decisions that are going to change people’s lives… they’re changing lives here, dammit!

Also in Room 4 is Ann Marie Bo(ring)skovich, who seems genuinely surprised that everybody and their brother is singing “I Hope You Dance”…

…and Big Daddy Matt privately hopes you choke…

Ugh, this song is soooo played out, and Ann Marie isn’t exactly injecting any personality or life into it. In fact, she’s quite unremarkable, to the point where I’m more intrigued by the awesome shade of grapelberry her dress is made of. Also stuck in Room 4 with Schizo Norm and Grape-Ape is Ju’NOT Joyner, who for some reason is also doing the Palin White T’s “Hey There Delilililiah” (The Slowed-Down Sex-U-Up Mix). We are reminded that he didn’t really wow the judges until he brought his cute little boy into the audition room in New York. For some reason, this made him a better singer. That’s that Idol logic for ya.

Ahhh, and after sticking her in a hallway for a half-hour, the judges have finally decided that Room 4 will be the lucky gathering saddled with Queen Wackjob Tatiana Del Toro! Her entrance brings much joy and mirth to the group…

…if by “joy and mirth” you mean “murderous dagger-eyes”…

I’m sure the voices in Tatiana’s head are telling her that the others are happy to see her there. And if they’re not, the voices will probably tell her to set the place on fire. So here we are, everybody is separated into their rooms, and Ryan voiceovers that “the stress” is getting to everybody. I’d say it’s more that their limbs are probably falling asleep from having to sit on the goddamned floor for two hours. Cheap bastards.

Since we have heard exactly zilch about “Room 3″, it’s time to zip back just in time to see Kaylan Loyd bone the shit out of her audition (the ever-ubiquitous Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got No Choice Of No Other Fucking Song To Sing”). She’s wailing and looks as though “her friend” might be visiting and screwing with both her hormones and her insides…

…”I don’t want nothin’ at all, if I ain’t got Midol, babayyy!”…

Poor thing, she just looks miserable, and it doesn’t help when Simon The Limey Bugfuck signals for the band to stop mid-phrase and end her audition. She gives Simon a Death-Glareâ„¢ and is she actually chewing gum?!??!? Oh, no you DI-ent, girl! Come on, people, didn’t any of you ever see Fame?? Miss Grant would have beat down a bitch who showed up to her class with gum! There’s nothing that says “serious artist” like chewing cud, you know. Anyhow, her Fruit Stripe faux-pas aside, Kaylan’s sobbing in a chair and covering her head with a shawl. I would, too, I guess, right after I popped a Pamprinâ„¢.

Also a member of the Room of Doom 3 is Leneshe Young, whom Ryan says “stole the hearts of America” during her initial audition in Louisville, KY, not only with her voice, but with her Incredibly Pitiful Sob Story of growing up poor and homeless. Well, I hate to say this, but my heart is right where it’s supposed to be, unstolen and laboring along under all this chubbiness. I’m sure Leneshe is a nice person, and it’s very sad that she has lived such a hard life, but does that make her more deserving of staying in Hollywood and having a shot at being the next American Idol than, say, Tatiana or Schizo Norm?…

Okay, bad examples. But seriously, shouldn’t the talent be the top thing? Well, not in the Idol Universe, because Pitiful Sob Story = Sympathy Votes Regardless Of Ability = Ratings Gold, and I tend to feel it’s a calculated move on the part of contestants who trot this kind of thing out. Unfortunately for Leneshe, this is Season Eight, and we’ve heard Hard Luck Stories a hundred times before (Fantasia Barrino, LaKisha Jones, Scott Savol and Nikki McKibbin anyone?)

Ahhh, but things must be pretty good for Leneshe now, because she certainly was able to afford some new hair for her week in Hollywood… and how is her rendition of Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song” going?…

…I’d say the backup singers’ faces tell you all you need to know…

She shoulda gone with “I Hope You Dance” maybe? And wow, Wanda Sykes sings backup on Idol? I love her! Anyhow, Leneshe sounds pretty raw, not terrible, but not real polished, either, and many hours after her audition, she seems to be getting that same sinking feeling I get whenever somebody says the words “Ikki Twins” within earshot.

Over in Room 2, frizzy-haired Kai Kalama’s wondering about his own chances. Apparently he trashed his voice with all the rigorous singing going on this week, and he quite audibly cracks several times during his audition, which causes Randy Jackson to squint painfully. Not a good sign. Also in Room 2 is my Big Daddy Michael Sarver, the Oil Rig Roughneck who auditioned in Phoenix. He’s singing O-Town’s “All Or Nothing” and truthfully, he sounds pretty decent…

…and that’s not just my crotch talking (♥♥♥)…

One thing that does kinda perturb me a little about Michael, though, is his attempt to also trot out the implication that his family is destitute by saying how much American Idol could make a “difference” for them. I’m sure that working in some areas of the oil and gas industry pays for shit, but I do have a gay buddy who works on a rig and tells me that his outfit starts roughnecks off anywhere between $50,000 and $75,000 a year. We’re not speaking now. Anyhow, Michael’s still a cutie-pie, who cares if he makes 5 or 600 times what I make in a year?

So, after their gruelling day of messing with fragile overstressed minds and crushing dreams, the judges are all finished, and Simon Cowell has to catch a flight back to London to go appear on the five or six other Idol-knock-offs he does over there. I call bullshit! I think he’s just afraid that somebody’s going to tear his balls off when they get sent home. SO, in harm’s way will be Randy, Paula and Kara (I hope someone at least chucks a shoe at her head for being such a bitchy-bitch-bitch to everybody).

It looks like Room 2 is going to find out first, and Drama Queen Nathaniella is being a stereotypical ‘mo by talking behind people’s backs about how badly their auditions went (i.e. people who forgot lyrics like Stephen Fowler and Joanna Pashitti). Shut up, Natey-boy, take that ridiculous plastic Alice-band off and can the shit-stirring, K?…

…and while you’re at it, stop abusing the word “like”…

Here comes Randy, Paula and Kara into the room! Tension! It’s totally laughable to see them trying to act all serious and blathering on and on about how “sporadic” the performances were and blah blah blah, it’s dead obvious that they’re about to tell this group… that they’re going through to the next round! Instant pandemonium! Among these lucky souls are Alexis “Punky Pinkhair” Grace, Joanna “Superplant” Pashitti, Casey “Who?” Carlson, Kai “Cracked Voice” Kalama, Arianna “BFF’s With The Elderly” Afsar, Jasmine “Survivor Of The Divas” Murray, Stephen “Not That Asshat From Wife Swap” Fowler, Nathaniella “You’ll Hear My Sob Story Tomorrow Night” Marshall (and he’s crying like a little girl, natch!) and Big Daddy “Obviously Not Starving” Michael Sarver.

Of course, the celebrating can be heard over in Room 3 (a couple of the contestants mutter “Well, I guess they got through…” and a couple others even give a half-hearted “Good for them.” that we all know they don’t really mean)…

…they’re so happy that they can’t stop grimacing…

We’re granted another flashback to see Room 3 Resident India Morrison’s previous auditions, and damn, she has one busted voice! She’s the one that rapped about forgetting the words with her group last week, and while she’s really cute and bubbly, she’s flattening the hell out of “Disturbia” and singing it straight through her nose. Normally, this would be a credible comparison to Rihanna herself (who is not exactly the most riveting vocal powerhouse in pop music today) but Jeez, this is just plain crap on a cracker.

It’s very clear that this room is going home because they show a whole bunch of people that we’ve never seen or heard about before (as opposed to all the people with previous record deals and intimate connections with 19 Entertainment, like Joanna Pashitti, who get tons of screen-time and back-story pimpage) and after dragging out the “suspense” for a few minutes, Randy Jackson finally tells them “it’s the end of the road, you didn’t make it.” and let the tears and depression begin!…

…ahh crap, he wasted all that food-coloring for nothing!…

Amongst the casualties that we have met are Michael “Remember Jason?” Castro, India “Can Rap Can’t Sing” Morrison, Kaylen “Crampy” Loyd, and poor Leneshe “I’m Not Going To Make Fun Of Her Now Because I Feel Really Bad” Young. I have to hand it to her, though, she’s toughing it out and instead of throwing a tantrum with histrionics (like Nathaniella undoubtedly would have done) she’s quietly crying and saying that she’s learned a lot from the experience, especially that you have to be humble and work hard for what you want. Well, all right, Leneshe, I guess you stoled my heart after all… *snif*… let’s go to commercial.

Wow, I never realized how happy having a Coke would make me while I’m driving in my Ford car and chatting on my AT&T-serviced cell phone (which I’m sure I can download episodes of “House” and “Bones” and “24″ and “Fringe” and “Hell’s Kitchen” to!) Sorry ’bout that. Anyhow, we’re back, and in case you haven’t been paying attention this entire show (my mind does tend to wander during all this filler) Ryan recaps everything we’ve just seen, and it’s time for Room 1 to finally find out their fate. Jeez, those poor people have been waiting like 37 hours to hear a “yes” or “no”. I’m shocked they don’t have a little shantytown set up already.

The judges come in looking all somber and sad, but then immediately I know this room is through because, duh, Robert Danny Gokey Jr’s in there, and there is no way they’re sending him home, and I think we all know why…

…ummmm duh! Because he hasn’t made Iron Man 2 yet!…

What did you think I was going to say? Anyhow, after more of the lame-ass misdirection from Dumby, Bitchy and Drunky, they’re finally taken off the hook and told they’re through. Alongside Danny Gokey will be his BFF and wingman Jamar “Usher Wannabee” Rogers, as well as the incredibly androgynous stylings of Adam “Cher-Licious” Lambert, Lil “Joke Writes Itself” Rounds, Jorge “P.R. Pride” Nuñez, and Jackie “Another Weedlike Plant” Tohn.

Room 4 (a.k.a. “The Room Full Of Tatiana Hatred”) is hearing the Room 1 people screaming with joy, and knowing full well that two rooms screaming must mean something (they know not what, but it makes everybody even more nervous!) Here comes the Panel of Death!

They start their stupid speeches, and before they can even finish, our girl Tatiana Del Toro is whimpering and whining out loud, babbling random syllables and making it difficult for Randy, Paula and Kara to concentrate on their poorly-scripted monologues. Finally, Big Daddy Number Two Matt Breitzke has had enough and prods them to just spit it out already!…

…ohhhh, HoneyBear, there’s no way I’d ever say “No” to you!…

“No, it’s a yes!” chirps Paula, and the room explodes! No, Tatiana didn’t set off her purse-bomb, they’re all just really really super happy! Speaking of which, Tati makes a beeline for Paula, and can you imagine having this crazyface coming your way at a dead run??!?…

…with a diarrhea stain dripping down her dress to boot?…

And there you have it, from 72 down to 54, and at this rate we should crown a new American Idol around Christmas. Of 2010. So, what did you think of this episode? Is it mean the way they screw with their heads so much? What’s with the no-furniture-in-the-room thing? Did you agree with who got sent home? Do you hate Tatiana and Nick/Norman as much as I’m loving them?

Coming up next, the final night of Hollywood Auditions, to be recapped by one of your (and my) all time favorite ‘Gasmists…. Thanks for taking another ride with me!

love, J-Mo