American Idol Finale: Skara Wins!

Tonight, it’s finale time!! There are lots and lots of senior citizens shaking their man boobs and playing meemaw anthems on their banjos, and even some surprises! Let’s join hands one last time. Making fun of children on TV is the road to world peace. And THIS. Is American Idol!

Sorry, but you still LOSE.

Krispy Twink Allen and Adam Hambert’s opening shots are really really good. Both pics speak 26 recaps worth of words. Krispy’s expression is pained and his jaw is unlocked, and Hambert looks like a thirty five year old baby with a makeup obsession that just made poopie in his diaper.

Ratings haven’t been as high as usual this year, so The Other Simon prayed real hard and booked the finale in…that’s right, HEAVEN!

Tonight’s special guest will be Bea Arthur, doing the number from her one woman show about making lamb chops.

The lessons are coming fast and furious tonight. The first thing I learned is: Joely Fisher looks way better in the dark.

See?

Tink tells us this is television’s biggest night, and we are all very lucky to be here. Sweetest thank you ever. One hundred million votes came in last night! I’m hoping they were against the nationalization of our auto industry, cuz my ass ain’t driving around a motorized red wagon for the next decade. Alas, they were for the singers on this show. Red wagon it is. Tink continues that that number brings the season total of votes to over six hundred, twenty four million votes!! It’s such a big number that he cracks saying it. Soon he’s gonna start sporting pubic hair and trying to grow a pudding smudge mustache.

Happens to the best of us.

Now for a montage called “these idiots make millions of dollars and can’t even talk”, led by the masterful Randy Jackson, who has shown up tonight in another suit. This one is less clown trial and more Velvet Sweaty Bear.

His video package is all of his “for me for you for me dude for real for you for me feed me for you me dawg you.” It wasn’t til I pressed pause to get a montage of bad sweaters that I realized it was the same three nights cut together over and over again. Weak, editors! And now for Skara being, well, a bitch. She ends every cutting remark with “sweetie” or “honey”, which is also how I wait tables. So sorry your food came out wrong, sweetie. Would you like to try this dish anyway, hon? It’s delicious sweets. Sorry but if I take that back to the kitchen the chef will hurt me so shut up and eat it, darlin’! I think it’s time we all banned together and left Skara without a tip so she’ll learn her lesson. In the meantime, let’s enjoy a real sweetie montage.

Skara stands and waves to the audience, and if you used the rhythm of the applause as a metronome, you could play the slowest song ever written. Paula’s video is about her stunning vocabulary, and this is a segment the editors didn’t skimp on. Paula trying to say “authenticity” will never not be funny. She stands up to wave, but her dress is so tight that she almost falls over. Simon grabs her and she steadies herself on the table. LOL. The audience goes nuts for her, and how could they not? That shit is priceless.

Leave it up to Paula to figure out how to wear shoulder pads with a sleeveless dress.

Simon’s clip is about him no longer being able to hear, and it’s pretty funny. I never noticed how much he asked “what?” “WHAT?” There was already a bitch montage, so he gets the endearing to meemaws clip. Sorry Skara! When Tink moves on from the videos, her happy face drops and she looks pissed. LOL. Now for the final two. Krispy and Hambert come out dressed all in white, cuz they are being born into the industry…or something. Shots of their families. Krispy’s mom is letting her fame by proxy go to her head and dressing like a toga ho. Within the year she will leave Krispy Dad and start banging a roadie. Mark my words.

Hambert has looked physically different every week. It’s not just wig styling or makeup. His nose changes shapes, his cheeks re-form…it’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. I suspect he’s taking fat from his butt and injecting it into his face. Today he is a smooth skinned cherub with round cheeks and a LizaHawk.

He is lucky. He looks like the Kardashian mom on a ski trip. Krispy just looks like a waiter at the Cheesecake Factory.

Tink asks Krispy if last night was emotional for him, but the kid’s mic is off so we can’t hear the answer. I’m sure it was breathtakingly insightful. Let’s just sub in all his answers from the rest of the season. “Yeah! Great! Had a great time. I’m thankful! This is great!” Ham’s mic is off too, so he just giggles and shows off his combat boots. With his white outfit. Cuz he’s a rocker. LOL. If he wins that Ford Focus he’s gonna drive around Hollywood without his seatbelt on so suck it, rulez!

Let’s go via satellite to Conway Arkansas to check in with Mikalah Gordon! Wow. Wasn’t she like sixteen when she was on this show? She looks like the next Carol Channing.

The natural look has never been Mikalah’s strong suit, but dang girl. It’s the afternoon! Lighten up on the MAC a bit. She looks like she just got caught in a sloppy makeout session with Ronald McDonald. True to form, she’s completely inappropriate. She kneels down to talk to a little girl and her boob almost falls out of her top. Poor kid can’t stop staring at it.

Saline. It’s what’s for dinner.

Tink takes it back to the studio, but Mikalah doesn’t know that and now she’s shimmying to the cameras and singing “Hello Dolly” off key and hornily. How did Fantasia get her own reality show and this wack job is stuck on the TV Guide Channel?

And now let’s go to San Diego. YAY! Minorities! Arkansas looked like a sea of chicken fat. Carly Smithson is there, and she’s sporting chola bangs to represent.

Carly kinda apologizes for not bringing home a win for San Diego, but has hope that Ham can do it! Uhoh. That’s a bad sign. And now, for the Top 13! They sing a song about wanting to be rock stars. That may seem a little slanted towards Hambert, but to be fair, there isn’t a song about wanting to an office friendly adult contemporary star with sideways face. Wasn’t this one of the Ford commercial songs? If you pay royalties once do you get to just sing it as many times as you want? Matt Gums Giraud has taken his time off to find a white fedora to hide the two month old on his forehead, and Oil Rig Bear has taken his time off to hang out with his daughter. At the Cracker Barrel, apparently. He came back with the figure of Homer Simpson.

D’oh!

Blind Guy marches out on stage holding onto Ham as a guide, but when they stop he starts some kind of pump it dance while everyone stands still. LOL. I love him. I am gonna buy tickets to the tour just to check out his choreography.

The girls step touch completely off rhythm yet still somehow miraculously end up all together. Now that’s talent. Alexis Grace is wearing pants, and it takes me a second to recognize her. Cholaheta comes to the stage and pulls out some kung fu shit. Didn’t know you had it in ya!

If you’da done that a couple weeks ago, you might have had a chance to sing Skara’s brilliant song about mountains and volcanoes and rivers and hills.

Blind Guy is rocking out a little too hard, and gets in Little’s personal space. If this wasn’t live she would have punched him in the face.

You better git yo blind ass up off ma greel, mkay?

There’s always a guy standing off to the side by himself. Wait! That’s the Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr!! I don’t think he gets along well with the others.

Hey jew guys! I yam heeeer!

Jasmine, who has the best shoes of the bunch, takes front and center for a solo line and it’s off key and screachy. Poor girl. They should have just given her a shoe closeup and called it a day. That sucked. But Squiggy loved it.

Skara looks like she’s about to be beheaded for not producing a son.

And now for a segment starring Randy on a morning run to get back in shape.

Mikalah Gordon is there to lend her support.

Back from break, Tink starts introing something, but all I can concentrate on is the weirdo without eyebrows who keeps looking around and into the camera like he’s lost.

And now, a bartender who became famous, and the first fauxrocker to win this shiznit, Mr. David Cook! He’s legit rock now, and you can tell cuz he has rubber bracelets for all kinds of causes. He left ball cancer out, though, which isn’t very nice.

I love to make fun of David Cook, but he is here singing a song he wrote in honor of his dead brother. So I will avoid making fun of the song and just move on to his giant egg head. Still there! When he reaches for a note I suddenly get a mental image of what he will look like as an old man.

He’s learned Church Lady Gokey’s art of shaving a movie star chin onto his face, and he totes looks like Brad Pitt.

Can’t really stand Cook and his off key fauxrock voice and arrogant special needs face, but I LOVE THE DRUMMER!! He’s always acting like he’s Penelope Cruz on a hair care commercial.

Towards the end, Cook belts out a couple of winners, and the audience goes nuts. Then he starts singing softly again and gets tears in his eyes. Aw. Tink asks if that was an emotional song and Cook says no, his brother dying of brain cancer is always fun to sing about and giggle about after shows. Idiot Tink. The song is gonna help save lives cuz after the show we can download it and the proceeds will go to cancer research. Uh…I’ll send a check. Justin Guarini is there with his greasy ass fro. He was sat by the emergency exit.

Because if any former cast member should survive a finale fireworks tragedy, it’s Little Orphan Annie.

And now it’s time for the Golden Idol Awards!! YAYAYAYYYYYYY!!! The first trophy is for Outstanding Male. The first nominee is the guy who sings like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter.

Next is a guy with a giant tongue, and then the guy who sings in one long yawn. Paula told him he could do voiceovers…for movies with monsters. LOL. He sounds just like that dude from last year.

Let my peephole gooooo!

Then the homeless guy with mutton chops. I think he tried to wash my windshield. It all happened so fast, but buddy if that’s you, I’m sorry for throwing a diet coke can at your head and running over your foot. Twice. I was having a bad day.

But I’d do it again.

And then, of course, my lesbian aunt Josie’s ex wife’s lookalike, Uncle Phyllis.

You broke Josie’s heart. I challenge you to a bowl off.

I hate this guy with a passion, so of course he wins. He apologizes for showing up in jeans and a hoodie and takes the award very seriously. He thanks his “comic heroes”, Steve Martin, Martin Short, Whoopie Goldberg, and Nathan Lane. That explains A LOT. Then he rips off his clothes and sings the same lame “And I Am Telling You” he sang a million times on the show. FF, with extreme prejudice. HATE.

Terri Hatcher just got a boner.

Tink says the glasses are greasy but has trouble getting off the headband. He smirks and says now we know his hair is real. What are they supposed to implant, corn stalks? Of course it’s real! It’s just back of the neck real. And now for Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah! What a perfect pairing, cuz neither is ever as good as you thought they’d be. Queen is wearing a spandex body suit. Giiiiiiirl. If you’re gonna wear spandex, you’re gonna need to stand up straight the whole time.

I don’t think I’m ready for that jelly.

One time I lost ten pounds and bought pants that went down to my crack and really tight t-shirts and then tried to have sex with anyone I saw. For some reason I’m reminded of that right now. The girls sound great and the song is fun. I should know. I watched it three times just to see that catsuit jiggle while promising myself never to lose ten pounds again.

Reggae plays and UhNope comes out. What is this, a best of Ford commercial show? Let me save you some time, producers. None are the best. They all blew equally. UhNope sounds great on his one line, and then it’s back to whoresville with Alexis Grace.

You better be wearing panties young lady. Your mother is already stuck raising one of your brats.

Jason Mraz comes out. LOL. His number is the Ford commercial retread. I love it. He’s wearing one of Gum’s fedoras, which makes me wonder if he’s sporting a small child on his forehead too. Damn promiscuous foreheads are ruining the moral fabric of this country. The three actually sound great together. This is the second number in a row I’ve enjoyed. Dammit. It’s starting to piss me off. Someone get out here and suck it right this instant!

Now let’s watch a video about Krispy Twink’s journey! It starts with Twinky coming to the auditions in Arkansas wearing a sideways hat and admitting that there are a bunch of singers that are better than him. Skara asks “yeah, but can they make my seat wet with their pudding smudge smiles? NO. You’re in!” Then clips of Smokey talking about how Krispy blew him (away) and then lots of sideways faces.

Krispy’s pretty cute and very talented, but I can pretty much sum up his E! True Hollywood Story for you with one pic and save you a future hour of your life.

You’re welcome. Now go out and get some sun.

Here he is, singing “Kiss a Girl” with Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman’s anorexic husband. Weird duo. Why didn’t they pair him with Mraz? This country pop crap makes me nuts, and Krispy handles it as blandly and office friendly-ily as possible. Urban kinda wimps out on his lines. Towards the end, it’s hard to tell who’s singing cuz they sound exactly the same. I don’t know if that’s a compliment or a diss, it’s just an observation. I guess that means I’ll have to go out and buy as many Krispy albums as I have Keith Urban albums.

The girls come out and sing Fergie’s “Glamorous”. And by sing, I mean Meghan Doi comes out in hot pants and does a Ruth Buzzi impression. This girl sucks ass. I can’t believe she even made it on in the first place.

Ah Hornato, you’ve left a legacy.

It’s kinda sweet though, cuz Alexis Grace is wearing a sculpture her kid made her out of pipe cleaners.

Can I borrow that thing? I just sucked down some resin.

And then, Fergie comes out! I like her, but I kinda hope she falls. No one should wear shoes like that. Didn’t she catch the story on the news after Idol last week about how harmful shoes are keeping women down?

Fergie is anti-sisterhood.

Sometimes Fergie sounds really amazing. Not right now. “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. I love this song! On the radio when it’s not sung live. Mercifully, it’s cut short and the Black Eyed Peas come out. Fergie yanks off her skirt and is wearing short shorts. Wouldn’t that be awesome if she yanked off her skirt and a pretty flowery dress from Anne Taylor Loft came flowing down? Their dancers are futuristic leather daddy slaves, which is both stimulating and frightening at the same time.

Will.I.Am raps about something while Fergie tries to sneak off stage back to her solo career. Unfortunately her shoes won’t let her move fast enough and she’s forced back into the group to rap and generally make white people look incredibly lame.

She has Wolverine claws! Please don’t let her fall on that hand when her shoes finally give out. Blinding Fergie would be Idol’s biggest tragedy since Jordin Spanx. I’m not sure, but I think this song is called “What What What What”. Simon should be in the video. When they’re done, Tink hums the song to show us why they’re still around. “Boom boom pow!” LOL. The funny thing about Tink is that he’s not ever kidding. He means that shit. “Boom boom pow what what? GRAMMY TIME!”

And now for more Golden Idols. This is for Best Attitude. First up is Bikini Whore, who told Skara that her demonstration wasn’t any better than her version. Then Skara gets up and starts insecurely and lamely trying to prove herself, which is sadder the second time.

I forgot how mad Skara got. When Simon asks Bikini Whore to clarify her name, Skara snarks “we just know you as top and bottom” and sends her out with a sweet “next time come back naked.” LOL. Who’s up for the attitude award again?

The next up is the crazy girl who flipped off the judges and called them all assholes, followed by the sad boy dressed like Kim Bauer who flipped out when heshe got sent home.

The best part is her delusional mom, insisting that her tranny child is gonna be the next American Idol even as BoyBauer screeches out “Because of You.” Poor kid. Her mother has ruined her life. And the winner is…Bikini Whore! She comes out in a new bikini, new boobs, and new skin. For a second I thought “what is Jasmine doing in a bikini?”

Movin’ on up.

Barker’s Beauties music plays and she kisses Tink when he hands her his trophy. He says “I was gonna ask what’s new but I think I know.” LOLOLLLL. A Tink zing that worked!! She takes the stage to sing Mariah as the audience laughboos. Couldn’t she kinda sing before? Cuz she’s way worse than I remember. Does saline hurt your vocal chords? Dolly can still pack houses so I don’t want any excuses Bikini Whore!

The back drop rises and IT’S SKARA!!!! LOLOLOLLLLL. OH. MY. GAWD. She comes up behind BWhore, singing her ass off. Bikini looks around confused, and doesn’t even try to look amused when she gets it. The best thing about this is that Skara isn’t being good natured about it at all. She’s still pissed this whore told her she couldn’t sing. She stomps around the po ho and whoops her ass, not letting her get a word in edgewise. And she sounds great! At the end, she rips off her dress and then stomps off the stage without looking back. HAHAHAHAH. Did you see that episode of Real World Brooklyn where Devyn the beauty queen got beat in a sing off in a bar by a tranny? Skara is that tranny. And I mean that as a compliment. This is the first time I have ever stood up and cheered during this show.

Skara for President!

Holy shit, sign Skara DiLaGuardia until 2050. That was beautiful.

What just happened?

Tink calls Skara back on stage and she hugs a super pissed Bikini Whore, insisting that she only did it for the charity money promised if she carried out the dare. She doesn’t name the charity, cuz she knows we’ll send our checks to it instead of downloading the brain cancer song.

And now for Cholaheta and Cyndi Lauper!! I can’t wait to see who looks older. Chola does. LOVE IT. She sounds fantastic, and it’s great to hear Cyndi’s weird little voice again. I’ve missed her. I even bought that album of standards she released a few years ago. That’s love. The performance was really great and the two sound awesome together. At the end they improvise a little and blend perfectly. Best Cholaheta performace of the season, and I don’t even start laughing when Cyndi starts spasming and chanting out Swahili.

Chola’s gonna be just fine. After wasting time pointing out that the parents of the final two have no personalities, Church Lady comes on stage to sing a Lionel Ritchie song. “Dancing on the Ceiling?” NO! The one about kissing someone in his dreams, of course. “Hello, Is It Me You’re Looking For? I’m The One in Sally Jesse Glasses.” Then Lionel comes out!! WOW! He took time from his busy schedule. They sing one of Lionel’s new songs, which is a pile with the lyrics “you can just chill” LOL Lionel. So hip. Poor Church got stuck with this hack, and he had to sing from the new album? Who did he piss off? Wait. Now they’re singing “All Night Long.” Church gives us one last Church Lady dance to end the season right. You know you suck if Jennifer Hudson is laughing at you, cuz that bitch can’t dance for shite.

Hit it, Pearl!

And now for a look at Hambert’s journey. He started using base as a small freckly kid. Before he could afford a Liza wig, he walked around in leopard print headscarves so kids would stop calling him Ginger.

He grew up to be so shocking that Randy Travis almost spit out his dentures.

His video package of dreams isn’t much more interesting than Krispy’s, so thankfully it’s cut short and he’s brought out to sing. He couldn’t find shoulder pads big enough for the occasion, so he crafted his own out of wire. I know that the media’s been making a big deal about the whole gay guy vs. prayer leader thing, so it’s kinda awesome that he comes out dressed as the angel of death. Suck it, missionary!

He’s singing “Beth”, by KISS. The song is saying “sorry wife, I’m not coming home cuz I’m spending the night with a bunch of dudes.” I don’t think Gene Simmons ever thought his song would be turned into a straight guy having secret gay orgies behind his wife’s back number, but I’m sure he’s very proud. Ham snarls the sweet song out wearing his Elvis face, which doesn’t make much sense, but then he announces Kiss and the whole Angel of Death thing makes sense. Perfect pairing. They’re both obsessed with makeup and they both have snake tongues that they stick out way too much. You know these old farts sit at home watching Matlock reruns with these faces on.

Sometimes, it’s ok to just retire.

Finally, some assless chaps! THANK YOU!

There are lots of explosions and screaming and tongue wagging and old men crawling on the floor. It’s disturbing, yet somehow exhilarating. Especially the floppy man boobs dance.

Ham rips this medley up, and ends on a glass shattering squeal. I may never want to be subjected to Simmons’ tongue again (he stuck it out like 50 times), but I will never forget that performance. I can’t even remember what Krispy sang this episode. Does that mean anything? No. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner, either. But it gave me heartburn. Damn this show is long. I don’t even know what I’m talking about any more. Hambert has become friends with Fergie, but she won’t let him wear her stilettos until he’s proven he can handle the height.

Training Wheels

And now for some Carlos Santana! I’m getting sleepy, but then Gums comes on to sing “Black Magic Woman”. He, too, has the shaven in movie star jawline over his pudgy face. That trend seriously needs to stop.

He only gets to put in one mediocre verse before the cast comes out to join him and sing “Just Forget About It “. I wish I could. Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr. rolls his hips waaay too hard. Way to dick slap America, PRSDJR. That hurted.

You may have lost, but you’ll always have that thing.

Krispy is hilarious singing in Spanish, and even more hilarious dancing salsa. There is some serious awkwardness going all around. This number is so wrong that even the black people look white. It’s kinda fun watching Blind Guy randomly punch the air, though.

And now for the final Ford commercial of the season. “I Will Remember You”. Ham and Krispy basically just sing over a montage of all the other crap ads. Cook shows up to give them Fords.

DUDE!! WE JUST GOT MOM CARS!! WOOHOOOOOO! Let’s go out and not drink until eight then get home and start planning out families!!

That’s just wrong. Fantasia got a Mustang convertible. I know cuz I was next to her at a stop light. I screamed “OMG I LOVE YOU TASIA!” And she screamed back “OMG I LOVE YOU TOO!” Then she sped off and I dropped my Whopper down my t-shirt. Isn’t that a touching story? You’re welcome.

And now for a comedy icon who loves music! If it’s Ben Stiller I’m hurting someone. Nope! YAY! Wait I take that back. It’s Steve Martin with his fucking banjo. He pulled that shit out on SNL and I turned that show off for the last time. Don’t make me turn you off twice, STEVEN. He’s playing with a bunch of old hillbillies and Megan Doi and Oil Rig Bear are on stage with him. Wow. This show had a very strong start, but it’s going downhill really really fast. Oil Rig sings this bs hick tripe well, at first, but then poor guy runs out of breath and starts sounding like a kid on a pogo stick. That whole sitting on a stool thing is exhausting.

Then it’s Doi’s turn. She screams and screeches and ruins the worst song I’ve heard in a long time. That shit came out of the box bad, and she still made it worse. There’s one part when she yodels and can’t use her fake growely voice. It’s sounds decent! Then she’s back to sad growl shouts. What the fuck am I watching right now? This is too lame for HeeHaw. I keep hoping for Skara to come out and outsing their asses, but she’s done for the night. Steve makes a joke that he hopes he wins tonight, and my head bangs the desk.

Now for another group song. The boys start out in black suits and massacre “If You Think I’m Sexy.” I’m not even justifying this time wasting, badly choreographed, shittily sung bullshit with a paragraph. I will say that it’s fascinating how many fedoras Gums has bought for the finale. It would be cheaper to get the forehead abortion.

Continuing the downward spiral, let’s welcome Rod Stewart! Hey Rod, how bout you go home and give your son some attention and get off my damn tv! He used the same lift Hambert used last night, and he’s in a version of the bad plaid coat the homeless dude from auditions wore.

Hey ladies! Let’s get naked and I’ll helicopter my pee pee around til I get a halfie and fall asleep.

He sounds like he just smoked five cartons of cigarettes and is singing through a hole in his throat. This show is not making old age look too appealing. “The mornin sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.” So do all those lights on you. FF. I can’t take any more. I will do a lot for you guys, but even I have boundaries. “I wish I’d never seen your face.” Back at ya. I have to press play when he starts doing Michael Jackson dances. Wow. Who’s next, Phyllis Diller with some dirty knock knock jokes? Actually, that would be an improvement.

And now the last Golden Idol. Outstanding female! The pretty girl who sounds like a dying canary is first. Simon says she sounds like cats jumping off the Empire State Building right before they hit the ground. LOL. Next is a homely crazy eyed chick, and then a sluttly chica. AND NOW! TATIANA!

Gee, who’s gonna win this one?

Montage of Tati crying and screaming and crying and telling dudes she doesn’t have to sleep with them anymore cuz she’s a good vocalist. SHE WINS!! Tink tells her to stay seated cuz it’s time for break and she ignores him and runs up to the stage and grabs her statue, saying she’s gotten this far (uh, nowhere?) by doing what she wants. She sings “Savin All My Love For You” AGAIN while running across the stage. Tink is telling her he’s not kidding, he really has to go on break, but she keeps singing and security grabs her. She keeps singing anyway. YIZAWN. JHud doesn’t know if it’s a joke or not.

That bitch is wack.

Ham and Krispy take the stage to sing Queen. With Queen. SORRY but Queen isn’t queen without Freddie. I get that you still have rent to pay, but let’s get real. Krispy sounds nice, but this is Ham territory. They sing “We Are the Champions”, and you can’t even hear Krispy. The cast and backup singers come out to help, and when it’s low verse time again, Krispy takes it. Then it’s belt time and Ham steals the ball and we never hear from Krispy again.

Time for results!! Simon says that even though he doesn’t normally mean it, they’re both brilliant and they should both be proud. Aw. Then some Brit brings out the envelope and stands right in front of Krispy and Ham. HAM WINS!! Confetti and balloons come down and shirtless chorus boys come out and carry him around and then a giant pink Mary Kay Convertible drives onto the stage and it’s filled with leather daddies in assless chaps and Mary Kay herself who waves and cries rivers of mascara and says….

Wait. What? KRISPY WINS!!! WOW. He tells Tink Ham deserves it. AWWW! How sweet is he? Some girl hands him a statue and Tink hands him the mic. His acceptance speech is a typically riveting “uhhhhhhhhhhh….” Well said. Ham takes it very well and seems genuinely happy he doesn’t have to release Skara’s hideous single and put in a year of mall tours. Simon, a dick as always, is the only judge not to stand. His face is priceless.

Krispy sings that song again, and he starts shaky, but who can blame him? Once the belt starts though, he does a lot better than he did last night. He nails it this time. Why is it that no matter how shitty the song is or how unexcited I am about the winner I ALWAYS CRY?!! ALWAYS. I think because I have to wait for another year to make fun of these dorks and it just kills me inside. At the very end of his song, fire coming down from the sky and confetti falling all over the crowd, Krispy takes one last pained sideways faced reach.

Congrats, kid! Now grab your ankles and bite your tube socks.

This is the first upset I can remember. Kelly won handily, Ruben and Clay were close but it wasn’t a shock when Ruben won. Fantasia wiped the floor with Diana Digarmo, Carrie slaughtered Bo Bice. Taylor Hicks won on the first episode of his season, Jordin Spanx and the beat box troll were equally as shitty so no one cared either way, and the Fetus couldn’t even remember lyrics or walk across the stage without verging on a lung collapse so even though that was a close one, Cook’s win didn’t seem so far fetched. It’s always so predictable, so I’m glad it ended like this. The judges rooted for Ham the whole season unabashedly, and it’s nice to see America tell them to suck it. What do you guys think?!?!

Thanks so much for joining TVgasm for this season. It’s been the most fun I’ve had recapping in a long time. Thanks to all of the gasm cappers for joining me this year in the audition rounds, and thanks to Blind Guy, UhNope, Church Lady, Little, Ham, Krispy and the rest for giving me so much material. LOVE YOU GUYS!!