American Idol: Fat Girls Can’t Sing

Tonight, American Idol is back with performance shows!! The 12 girls take the stage and mostly suck butt. But at least they’re thin!!

Time to make the donuts.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The top 24 performance shows with our new judge!!

Dang, Ellen, shave!

Seriously, though. I’m glad Ellen’s on the show I guess, but if they were gonna pick a blonde lesbian with Dennis the Menace hair I wish they would have thought a little harder.

Our little hostess with the mostess, Tinkerbell Seacrest, welcomes us to the season by introducing his new muffin top.

Hey, you work like ten jobs. You deserve to let loose a little.

Then the boys leave and Tink and the girls run up some stairs. One of them unfortunately gets hit by a two by four or something. It’s the only way I can explain her hair.

Tink intros us to the girls and we learn our first sad lesson of the year. There isn’t one fat girl in America who can sing, apparently. Jesus, is the food budget lower this year or what? As a fat girl, I am offended. Where’s Mandisa when you need her? Wow. I think this is the first time EVER I have thought of a need for Mandisa. See, everyone does have a purpose!!

And hers is to buy some of the ugliest most unflattering clothes ever made. Hey even shitty designers need to pay the bills.

Tink explains the rules to us. Basically, we listen to a lot of screeching, warbling, and super sad manufactured stories until the Summer. Got that? Good! Let’s say hey to the judges! Ellen! With super dry gums or something!

Oh man. Does Ellen have a combover?

Randy! In horizontal stripes!!

Cuz he will never, never learn.

Skara!

Pilates or not, stop jiggling your underarms at me.

And for the last time on girls top 24 night, Simon! With a perfected butt cut!

And last but not least, via satellite from the floor of some cheap hotel room, Paula Abdul!!

How could you doooo this to meeeee?!!?

Simon told the NY Post that it’s gonna be the year of the girls. Tink asks him about it and he drolly answers that some of the girls’ rehearsals really blew. Alright, well thanks for stopping by Si. Didn’t he just come back from vacation? I predict this is the season he will just stop talking and shoot a bb gun at the people he doesn’t like. Tink asks Skara DiLaGuardia something, but all I hear is the same thing I hear every time I’m near LaGuardia airport: senseless noise. You’re killing the planet, Skara! Shut your fuel hole! If she had boobs, one of them would totally be naked on the desk right now, you guys.

Forever Young. Sean Young. That’s one scary cracker.

Randy sputters out some Janklish. WTF? It’s time to make it o break it y’all witch yo vox! I look forward to the Rosetta Stone tapes that will teach me what he’s saying. When they finally find someone smart enough to decode it. I think he just asked for ice cream. Ellen’s advice is “don’t be mad at yourself!” “Be all that you can be!” “Mr. Wiiiiilson!!” Tink asks why she’s not sitting next to Simon any more, and she says it’s because Simon gets a big boner for her and she has the tape to prove it. Montage of Simon molesting her during songs.

In his defense, you’re the spitting image of Tink.

The audience cracks up at this, and Skara whines “he’s done that to me too!” Silence. She’s like a new kind of vacuum that only sucks up fun and leaves the dirt on the floor.

The only rule for the top 24 the next three weeks is to sing something off the Billboard charts, and Paige Miles is up first. Girls with fake eye color contacts make me sad. I get being insecure about weight or a limp or something, but you can’t change your eyes. Just fucking deal with it and hate yourself for something reasonable.

Like your shitty taste in hats.

Whoever shot the above pic was extremely kind to her, cuz this is what another shot of her looks like.

Follow my finger….

Paige is a preschool teacher and says that she went from wiping snot off kids to wiping coke out of her nasal cavity like overnight. The most exciting thing about this experience so far has been singing in front of Michael Jackson’s backup singers! She’s been an MJ fan since she was old enough to date him. We get a clip of her solo audition in Hollywood week, but I don’t remember it at all. No cancer, no feature, Paige! Learn the rules! To the editors’ credit, she doesn’t have a lot to say. This is Tink’s reaction to her video package.

Paige is singing “It’s All Right Now” by the band Free. Whoever came up with that band’s name is a marketing genius. Best way to get people to your concert ever.

I’m in!

Oh hey I know this song. My dad used to play the drums in our garage way off the beat to this song. It was so painful. I think it’s one of the only times ever that my mom seriously considered divorce. This song almost wrecked my childhood. Do well, kid! She starts off way off key and shaky, bless her heart. As shaky as the hand of the guy who wrote this song is when he tries to get soup in his mouth. Seriously, why are you singing this?

She grabs onto a bit of confidence by line three and starts belting it out. The chorus takes her back into shakesville, but she’s got a honkey tonk rocker chick thing going on and she’ll be good once she’s not terrified. The backup singers chime in and sound better than she does, but they have actual jobs and aren’t afraid. Lots of yelling and “ooh” ing to the wrong notes. She was solid. Like poop that’s been on a cold lawn for a week.

Ellen makes Simon go first. He says out of all the girls she has the best voice but it was a crap choice of song and she needed to be more original. He also tells her to believe in herself. HUH? Who is this man? Skara disagrees and the audience claps before they know if she disagrees with Paige being the best voice or the shitty song choice. Skara meant the girl picked a good song. Randy loves her powerful voice and her totes natural blue eyes, and Ellen gives her credit for doing as well as she did through the nerves. Paige tells Tink that she’s sewn into her dress and has had to pee for five hours. That’s the most fascinating thing to come out of her mouth.

Cleanup on aisle five!

Ashley Rodriguez is next. She mentioned that she’s a Jordin Spanx fan at her first audition, and Simon said “you even like the single?” LOL. That’s why I f ing love Simon. “Battlefield” or whatever it’s called is total crap and Spanx was the biggest ringer EVAH. I’m still pissed about that season. Ashley’s not the sharpest pin in the cushion, and decided that Simon hating Spanx meant that she should sing the song he dissed as her solo during Hollywood week(s). It didn’t matter, cuz she’s very young, pretty, and talented thin. I already detest this one, because a. She’s a fan of Spanx and b. she sang the song even worse than Spanx does, which is a real feat. Shot of Ashley jumping. Move it to a bridge and I’ll vote for you.

Tonight, she’s given up trying to emulate an American Idol. Now she’s goin for the British Idol! Leona Lewis! Snapple: Dumb Skinny Poseur Flavor. You know Leona’s at home taking off her earrings and greasing up her face and hair for this one. She’s gonna kick this girl’s butt.

Well, you’ve got Leona’s nostrils down, but the similarity ends there.

Ashley sounds pretty good in the beginning, and she’s very very pretty. A few lines in though, she’s going off key a little. By the chorus it’s a painful screechy mess. Why would you try and go up against a powerhouse like Leona? WHY? And why do girls with receding hairlines do this with their bangs?

Take me to your leader.

It’s bad news, which means Skara gets to give it. She does the “you sure are pretty!” thing TM Paula and then tells her the song was way too big for her. She also says to try a little originality. Randy says that she shouldn’t try and have people compare her to great singers cuz she’s not one. Ellen agrees that Leona’s awesome. Simon says “this isn’t going well for you is it?” haha. It was clumsy and she’s going backwards and sings other people’s songs not very well. Ouch. I wish I was backstage. I would be holding like five pizzas and a really fake smile.

Wow. Obama’s really going all out to sell healthcare.

Next up, Janell Wheeler! You know, another one who’s only put in mediocre performances so far but made it anyway cuz she’ll be cute on commercials and stuff. Pic of Simon winking at her. She says that things have been iffy so far, but she really wants to go out on that stage and do what everyone tells her she does best.

Get a hose.

Janell is taking on “What About Love?” by Heart, which takes giant balls. She starts strong, and I feel sad for her cuz of the whole hunchback thing.

The audience stands, and luckily they don’t have pitchforks. She does fine until she gets to the belt and then she imitates a baby getting its toes broken one by one. Off key, screechy and hideous. Man. Third girl and third ton of suck. Nice work this season, judges! I blame Posh!

Bad news, so it’s either Randy or Skara. Randy! He thinks she has a good voice but didn’t show it tonight. Don’t worry though. He still got vibes for her. Check please! Ellen says she looks like a young Portia and offers her parents a cow and a bicycle as a dowry. Simon says she gave it a hundred percent in the effort but only delivered on sixty percent of that. He liked her voice in a couple tiny moments. Skara says the song was way too big for her and she shouldn’t try to belt ever. Tink asks the judges, since they’ve hated all the song choices so far, what the girls should be choosing. Randy suggests they sing songs that haven’t been sung better before them. But he says it in way worse English.

Next up is that girl who looks like Martin Short in Santa Clause 3. It’s called being an uncle, people.

Lilly’s 20, from Colorado, and she’s been living in her car. It’s been a real struggle. I’m sorry, honey, but I know they have Applebee’s or Chili’s or Denny’s or some shit in Colorado. Shut up and buss some tables. Being homeless when you’re like 19 and pretty and healthy isn’t the same as being a ptsd Vietnam vet with one leg. WAHHH. She used to think she was too cool to try out for American Idol, but then one day as she was eating a fingernail clipping someone left on the sidewalk, she changed her perspective and here she is to sing the Beatles’ “Fixin’ a Hole.” LOL, Beatles.

She starts with a guitar and somehow that makes me think she’s gonna be good. Then she blows. Wait. That was just the first verse. It revs up and so does she. She’s hitting the keys! OK that wasn’t a powerhouse performance and it was a truly weird song choice, but it was the best so far and she’s at least interesting. She could have sung “There’s A Hole in My Bucket Dear Liza Dear Liza” and she would be the head of this bimbo pack. The audience is like “meh,” but Ellen loved it and gives Lilly credit for being original and actually good. This isn’t the time or the place, but are Lilly’s parents twins? Cuz that’s gross.

We love you honey! Just don’t ask us for money cuz we’re not giving you crap! STAY HOMELESS.

Simon points out that there have only been four people but she was the best so far and actually came across as an artist even though she doesn’t have much star power. “There are lots of people on the internet doing what you’re doing at this moment.” I’m not sure what he’s referring to, but I think it’s this video:

Skara says everyone will remember LIlly, Randy says Lilly’s super indie. LOL. Nothing says indie like going on American Idol. Lilly apologizes to Tink for making him look short, and he slams her back by saying she reminds him of Skara. Skara wasn’t listening and says it’s cuz Simon was touching her leg. No one laughs. Or believes it for a split second. Poor Skara.

Katelynn’s next, and she says that she really wants this super bad you guys. From 1969, here’s “O’ Darlin’”! Leather. Giant hair. This face.

Stiffler’s Mom

She’s got a smoky, strong voice and has some serious confidence goin on. To truly sing the blues, you have to be able to control each eye individually and look like you haven’t pooped in a week.

I think she’s got it!

DAMN. This girl can wail. I want to hate her, but I LOVE HER. She may be young and pretty, but she sings like a sixty year old pissed off woman with a twitchy eye. WINNER!!! Simon thinks it was messy and she was a bit screechy but he likes her. Skara does the Mariah finger….

…but thankfully doesn’t sing to us to show us how she’d do it. She doesn’t like the leather/slut makeover. Skara, shut up before I have Lilly come back out here to fix your hole. Randy blubbers on and Ellen gives her credit for being interesting. Wow. I am on an island of one. Loved it. When Skara said she didn’t like the makeover, Katelyn gave a look. Tink asks “what your thought bubble was at that moment.” She blahs about not having one particular style, and Skara says “her thought bubble was one word. ‘Bitch’”. LOLOLOLLL and YES. No one laughs. No one except me.

Tink announces that Haeley’s next, and it scares me cuz there is no one in the world who could annoy me more than Hayley Hornato.

Wait. Hold that thought.

It’s not Haeley’s fault that she has too many goddamned vowels in her name, but I still resent her for it. She always has that earnest “I’m truly listening and grateful” head tilt. Why are you looking at me like that? I asked where the restrooms were. Seriously stop looking at me like that. Her mom let get her nose pierced as a reward to getting to Hollywood week! When she makes it to the top ten she’s gonna get her tongue split or some shit. Moms, please mother your children. Thanks. Back to the show. Guys, why does Ellen look so depressed?

Randy smells like old Dominos. I wanna change seats again.

Haeley is one big lithpy smile. She plays the guitar and sings “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”. She’s way iffy with pitch, but she’s soooo cute! And screechy! And annoying!! She’s gonna need to stop that cutesy bullshit, especially if she’s not gonna hit half the notes. One time I was on the freeway and a pigeon smacked into my windshield and splattered all over the place. I haven’t thought about that until this song, and now it’s replaying itself in my head over and over. This girl is the devil. Make her stop singing. PLEASE. Skara says she’s adorable but technically she kinda blows. Randy agrees and gives a vocal class: “Maybe sing the notes in a different way.” Uh, thanks. Haeley’s sister wants to beat Randy’s ass.

Ellen liked it. WUSS. Simon says it was verging on terrible and she was like a wind up doll that wouldn’t stop smiling and it was a complete and utter mess. Hated it! Tink asks if the judges are watching two different shows. Simon gets defensive, and Ellen says “if it was a mess, it was a hot mess.” BWHAHAHAHAHAHA. Tink replies “that seems to be the theme of the night.” Just in case all that judging made you forget how CUUUTE Haeley is, she says “go Pooter!” as we go to the break. UGH.

Lacey Brown tried out last year and didn’t make it, so she came back looking like one of the most famous also rans this show’s ever had: Gayken.

She’s from Amarillo, Texas and says that it was terrifying doing this whole thing twice. She’s got some Fleetwood Mac action for us tonight. She has a little girl nasally voice that could be cute, if it was even close to being on key. I think it might be a few weeks til people can loosen up enough to use their vocal chords. I want to like her, I really do. I’m a Texan, I love Fleetwood Mac, and Clay Aiken’s hair has brought me countless hours of enjoyment. But sorry NO. This sounds f ing horrid. Most painful of the night, and that’s saying something. The only solid note is the last one.

Randy says the song is amazing, but her voice singing it was terrible. LOL. Randy called you terrible? I don’t think he’s ever said that in history. Ellen agrees with Randy but thinks she’s better than that. Simon was pained and depressed and says that Lacey doesn’t know who she is and what she is is boring. Skara gives her credit for hitting those notes before, but not at all tonight. Simon ends the bloodbath by smirking “you have nice eyes.” Tink acts all nice but makes her stand on stage more, which is just not right. Let her go to the bathroom and cut herself already.

Tink asks the girl with the Alzheimer’s grandma what it’s like hearing the judges rip people limb from limb and she says “it’s nerve wrecking.” Tink turns to the “corporate singer” and asks her about the rehearsal schedule. I wish I could tell you what she said but my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I had a mini dream about getting lost in a wind tunnel. Alright, so the girl doesn’t have a personality to speak of. She must have been cast because of her amazing voice. Let’s take a look at that talent.

Ah.

She’s singing “Fallin’” by Miss Alicia Keys. The arrangement’s all busted and she has some rhythm troubles in the beginning . The belt note is whispery and weak, and she’s got the presence of a speed bump. OK. I need to take a minute here and say that I LOVE American Idol. LOVE IT. I write the recaps because I love it, and not because I just like to think of thousands of different ways to say “that blew.” I know that’s mostly all I’ve said so far, but COME ON!!! How many goddamned people auditioned for this show and THIS is the crap you give us? Booooooo!!!! Back to the show. Her last note is strong. The audience practically sighs at the end, and not in a satisfied way. Ellen, excited, says that was amazing and it was safe only cuz she made it look so effortless. I GIVE UP.

Three Lean Cuisine pepperoni french bread pizzas later….

I’m exhausted and I don’t know why. Ellen continues that it was amazing but she knows the girl can do better. Simon calls her professional, but not as good as the original and he never thought “wow.” But she looks good, which is the point after all. Skara leans back in her chair and says the girl looks “very commercial” but the vocals were far from great. Skara continues that she’s gonna need some believability and if she’s gonna try and take the diva spot she needs to learn to back it up vocally. Randy says she’s hot dope and cool but needs to take risks. AND SUCK WAY LESS.

Tink warns us that a sob story is next. Didi is a 23 year old waitress in LA. Yes that’s traumatic. So do you have cancer? Alzheimers? Female erectile dysfunction? No? Oh, she’s the girl who’s obsessed with Skara’s “songwriting.” That is sad. Montage of Dodo crying as she talks in a five year old fakey voice. She says that it’s been an emotional trip but she doesn’t wanna cry again (and…..cry.). HATE.

Cuz Brooke White wasn’t annoying enough the first time.

She’s singing “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson. I wonder what Ingrid’s gonna rhyme “annoying” with. Ok let me take a breather from the hate. She’s wearing a gay pride pancho dress, so yay that.

And now to our regularly scheduled rhymes with DATE. Is this the girl who got beat out last year by CawCaw? Cuz they’re the exact same person. That fake-y “indie” voice that was totally made up in the bathroom one night listening to the radio. And they hit about the same amount of correct notes. She takes a beautiful song and kicks it in the nuts repeatedly. There should be a simple rule on this show: If you can’t hit the notes don’t sing the damn song. Towards the middle of the song, she actually hits the notes for about five seconds and it sounds really nice. Then it’s back to Suckerton PA. Her last note is like five different notes but none are the right one. More pain. Simon says she’s good but she sounds like she’s trying to sound like someone else. He needs to see a spark, but thinks she could suck less in the future.

Skara likes the song but even though she’s derivative she changed a couple notes from the original recording. Simon argues that no one will remember that performance. I will. FOREVER. Randy thinks this girl has no star power. When did Randy grow a backbone? I like it. Ellen thinks if this was one song in a set it would be ok but for her big chance it was a little bore snore “but you’re great.” THAT BLEW. BLEW. Tink asks Simon why he looks so mad and Simon basically says he’s sick of being bored and it needs to be like your first kiss and you have to remember it. Tink doesn’t remember his first kiss and Simon says the little boy on his block probably doesn’t either.

These bitches just blew the entire cast out of the water.

Siobhan Magnus is next. Hippie parents. But at least it’s spelled right. She’s a glass blowing apprentice. One day she will know enough to own her own head shop. Which means I love her. She didn’t understand what Simon meant when he called her a dark horse. Now I like her even more. “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac. Love it. Low low low start, and all on key. WHIZZHUH? Holy crap she can sing!! DING DING DING! She hits the high note like it’s nothing. She sounds like Karen Carpenter, but with bigger nuts. I can’t tell if she looks like Gina Davis or Ana Paquin, but I like both of those actresses so pick one. Siobhan nailed this one. Score.

Skara liked it and calls Sio quirky. She thinks her voice is too nasally, but she’s into it and it feels real. Randy liked it better when she sang Stevie Wonder. Um, I think she just sang three octaves pretty flawlessly so why is everyone so pissy? Ellen liked it. Ellen’s looking really good for her age, but she’s getting Milton Berle’s ears.

Simon says she’s “a funny little thing.” LOL. He didn’t think it was as good as the Stevie song and this song was too dark. Then again, maybe she’s dark being a loner glass blower. HAHAHA. She says that she can belt but she also has a soft side too. Simon rolls his eyes. Tink fakely tells her how authentic she is, then he points out that Randy told Sio she could blow and she’s literally a glass blower. Watch out, Simon Baker. There’s a new Mentalist in town.

Crystal, the hippie version of Janis Joplin, is next. She talks about how she doesn’t watch the show and didn’t think it was for her, but she needs money cuz she got knocked up by a Hare Krishna behind a Whole Foods. Alanis’ “Hand in My Pocket”. She’s playing guitar, and she takes the stage with some confidence. She’s the first to look totally at ease. She’s the strongest vocally, and even whips out a harmonica!! I was ready to make fun of her wooden teeth, but she got that shit bleached!! And while she still has dreads, her bangs look totally clean. This girl learns fast.

When you win you’re gonna get a Ford Focus and some caps.

The song? Lame. The performance? Perf. Then why do the judges look like this?

Can she be on Nintendo commercials? Probs not.

I rest my case.

Randy gives her some lukewarm compliments and says she reminds him of serious talent and didn’t even mind that he doesn’t like the song. He likes that she’s who she is no matter what they say. Ellen agrees with Randy and says Idol is lucky to have something fresh. Simon liked it, loves her baby, but thinks there are thousands of her outside subway stations. That’s true, but tonight? She killed the competition and bleached her teeth. Simon wants more originality in the song department, and she wisely argues that original songs aren’t allowed on the show. LOL. Simon talks her into trying some better material and calls her refreshing. Skara says she was good tonight but is really great and needs to show that in the future. Don’t be a coffee house performer, be a STAH!!!

This is Katie Stevens! And these are Katie Fans!!

Just so the locals know who to mug.

Katie’s the girl whose gran has Alzheimers, and as much as I have repeated that in this recap it will never compare to how much they’ve repeated it on the show. And guess what? She brings up her grandma! She’s singing Michael Buble, “Feelin’ Good”. Grandmas are totally into Buble. Love this song, hate Buble. Katie has a strong voice, but her hackey stage presence annoys. She’s the Diana DiGarmo of the season and she’ll be in Branson before 2010 is over. She turns the song into kind of a slinky big band number with shimmies and stuff and I just don’t get it. Not the worst. She can sing, but yikes with the crappy presence. Ellen thinks that was too conservative and old. She just wants her to be younger. Simon agrees and adds that her mom and dad shouldn’t dress her and pick her songs. LOL. She needs to be a young recording artist instead of a girl who’s singing at her mom’s bday party. Skara thinks if she knocked it outta the park she wouldn’t be hearing this too old stuff and thinks she was all over the place pitch wise. Randy says she reminds him of Spanx. Agreed. Young, mildly talented, and being shoved down our throats hardcore by the youth sucking producers.

So that’s it for night one of this five hour extravaganza!! Were you guys as disappointed as me with this year’s choices? I’m rooting for Oatmeal Joplin, Lilly, Katelyn and Siobhan. Thanks for reading, and see you tomorrow!