American Idol: Grrrrrrl!

Time to make the donuts.

Since last season of American Idol, I have changed apartments, broken up with my Ling Wings, gained forty five pounds, and made fun of Jordan Spanx at least once a day every day. It’s been a good year. And now it’s time to do it all over again! And this season I get to do it with my friend T.Vo, so it should be extra good time five dolla. I called my best friend Mary Jane, Little Caesar, and Little Debbie (not related) and we had a party. OK, we have a party every night, but tonight the soundtrack was the best and most polished we’ve heard! At least that’s what Nigel and his legions of cue card writers will have us believe.

Tink welcomes us to night two of Season 7, claiming that the level of talent is higher than EVAH!!! Riiiight. I know he can’t just come out and say “last night, the guys sucked big donkey balls. Tonight hopefully won’t sound like kittens being born”, but he’s not even trying to sell it. Little guy looks tuckered out. I don’t blame him though. The man has like thirty jobs. He’s tired.

The girls are awkwardly lined up the stairs, and I immediately like the tiny girl, because she’s stuck behind some big hair and making the best of the situation. Who would place her there? We are often told about the heart wrenching personal sagas of the contestants on this show, but no one ever talks about what it’s like to get stuck standing behind some big ass hair. It’s too personal.

Here’s the story.

Tink walks down the steps and says, in as butch a way as he can muster, “bring it on, ladies!” LOL. Way to squash the rumors, big boy. He goes on to tell us that even Idols aren’t immune to the flu, and a lot of them have it. It’s the worst flu season in history! Warning: don’t leave the house. And if the girls stink up the room as badly as the boys did last night, don’t blame Idol. Blame mother nature. It’s still the BEST SEASON IN HISTORY.

He looks up at the balcony of girls and asks if they will be able to push on through their coughs like the heroes they are. They assure him that they’re ok, and then they cough up a loogie on his little head.

A PA comes out and cleans up the fairy and then Tink welcomes the Judges. First he tries to decipher a bunch of Randy-isms. They are mostly dawg related and by now make perfect sense to me. The only one I got hung up on was “the guys can really blow.” That’s assumed, isn’t it? Is it necessary to call them all out in public?

Paula’s hair this year is really pretty. Nice work, Daniel. She looks like she’s twenty. Hey! She should make a comeback! She advises the girls to do their best with the vocals even though some of them are vocally challenged. She speaks of what she knows, that one. Tink asks Simon if he minds when contestants get sassy with him, and Simon brushes it off with a laugh, saying he loves when people speak their minds. I am glad Simon is starting off with such a jovial demeanor this year. It will give him more of an arc. It wouldn’t be as interesting if he opened with threats of publicly shooting his own face off if he has to hear one more teenager butcher modern pop music. Save it for sweeps. Or the first song.

Kristy Lee Cook, the horse trainer from Oregon, is up first. Kristy couldn’t afford the trip to the last audition and she’s been kicking herself all year. Kristy is beautiful and a really good singer, so this time she sold her favorite horse to afford a plane ticket to try out. She tells us this story with the most charming smile God ever invented, and it makes the selling a loved one thing seem less harsh. In selling her BFF, she gave herself a great gift (she’s made it this far!) and she’s blessed kindergartners all over the country with a gift. It’s gifts all around.

I’m glad Kristy’s not a single mother. That kid would be working in a sweatshop right now.

Kristy sings a pretty toned down, colorless version of “Rescue Me”, which is kind of rude since she just sold her horse into slavery so she could be a STAH. Unfortunately, it looks like that horse might die for nothing. When you long for the version of a song that airs on TV commercials, it’s a bad sign. Kristy has a nice voice, but bore snore. And she’s missing notes all the way through. My guess is she’s just scared shitless. Uh-oh. I hope pulls it out next time, because she’s got some promise. Plus, if she doesn’t win, she won’t be able to buy her horse back. AAWWWW! Wait a second, you sold your horse in the first place. Booooo!

Rescue Me

Randy gives her credit for going first and performing even though she’s deathly ill from the malaria that’s going around, but damn girl. That sucked ass. Paula is as nice as she can be. Give the girl a break. She went first, she has malaria, she hasn’t sung in twenty years, she’s suffered back problems…wait. What? Anyway, the point is, even if you can’t sing so well, sell it. Maybe dance with a cartoon.

Simon brings us back to Earth: robotic, boring, baaad song choice. On cue, the audience boos him and Paula argues with him and tells him she’d like to see him do it. The audience cheers. Simon says he could do better, and so could Paula. The audience kinda boos. At least they got that one right. Tink reminds us that some of the girls could barely walk to up to the stage in rehearsals because of that ebola going around, so thanks, Kristy, for suffering through it and not dropping dead in the middle of your performance.

Joanne Borgella is next, and she’s another one I really want to like. She’s a plus sized model who comes across as beautiful on the inside and out in her pre-show clips. Especially in that part during Hollywood week where she held the hand of the girl who’s ass she kicked instead of jumping up and down and sticking out her tongue and chanting “nanny nanny boo boo. Stick your head in doo doo.”

Like Kristey before her, Joanne sings like she’s tied to the railroad tracks and is trying to get someone to help her before she’s disembodied. She sings “I’ll Say a Little Prayer”, but she should have said one before she came out on stage. She’s way off key through most of the song and actually screeches out a couple of her big notes. Man, I feel for her because I’m sure it’s just because she’s scared, but being scared is against the rules.

You’re saying a prayer for me? Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Randy says that the nerves are all over tonight and she was shaky at best. Paula chalks it up to nerves, which is better than blaming that nasty staph infection that’s killing everyone right now. Simon calls bs on them both and says that Joanne blew chunks all over the stage and if she doesn’t watch it she’s gonna be meandering down Forgotten Woman fashion show runways for the rest of her twenties and early thirties (plus sized models have longer shelf life than skinny ones). He also discards the “nerves” excuse. This is an opportunity for stardom. If you don’t have the cojones to deal, you’re not a STAH. The audience boos. Oh shut up audience.

Joanne tells Tink that if America gives her another chance, she’ll show us what she showed us during Hollywood week, “which was an awesome performance”. Girl, if you get a voice to match that attitude you’ll have no problem. She goes on about how cool she is with listening to both the good and the bad remarks and Simon interjects that if she took both the good and the bad then she’d see that her song choice was horrid. LOL. She has nothing to say to that, so Tink picks up the big pile of hot mess she just left on the stage and moves on.

Alaina Whitaker is the gap toothed squishy face version spitting image of Carrie Underwood, and she also sings country and is 16. It seems kind of ridiculous that she’s even on the show since there’s already another winner just like her, but then I remember that Carrie Underwood has sold three times more albums than there are people in her home state of Oklahoma. Not a bad blueprint to copy. One thing that differentiates Alaina from Carrie is her vibrant personality. While Carrie came off like a piece of driftwood, Alaina comes off as a goofy watered down Kelly Pickler type. Another thing that sets them apart is that Carrie Underwood is way better.

We don’t need another hero.

Alaina sings “More Than Yesterday”, and she’s really strong. The song’s arrangement is dull and she doesn’t really bring anything new to it, but compared to the previous two scaredy cats, she’s Celine Dion. All three judges love her, and Simon says that it’s nice to see that at least one contestant has a pair of brass ones and disses the song. Poor Spiral Starecase. They’d be in their right mind to pull AI’s rights to their entire catalogue, er, that one song. Alaina nailed it.

Amanda Overmyer is the rocker chick from Indiana with Bellatrix LeStrange hair. and I am rooting for her because she is the first true rocker chick this show has ever had. Rock and Roll isn’t only in the voice, it’s in the soul, and in the not knowing whether the singer will fall over from an overdose in any given moment or throw up on the stage or have sex with a busload of people after not showering for three days. I could see Amanda doing all of the above.

Some contestants like to relay all the dramatic meaningful reasons they deserve to be the next Idol in interview time, but Amanda uses her intro to tell us that she was recently hit by a semi. LOL. See? Some would say that appearing on American Idol would in itself diminish any hope at true rock cred, but Amanda is a rocker who happens to live in a world where the economy is crap and all the jobs at Starbucks are taken.

A girl’s gotta eat.

Amanda more than earns her dinner. She’s kick ass. She sings “Baby, Please Don’t Go” with a mix of Janis, Elvis, and a two year old child mumbling and blabbering nonsense before it’s given a healthy dose of Dramamine and put to bed. You can’t understand most of what she’s growling and there are some questionable notes as she stumbles around the stage, but that’s all part of why it’s good. She doesn’t give a FUCK. She owns the song, she owns the stage, and she even throws in a little Elvis hip twist and a tribute to Amy Winehouse hair, as if to warn us that shit’s only gonna get rawer and stanker with each passing week. LOVE. HER.

The Judges do too. Paula gets a little bitchy and says “it doesn’t matter if people say you’re one note. You’re not.” Oh, snap. Paula is talking to herself through every single contestant so far tonight. Simon is mostly speechless. He likes her but it was all over the place and did she forget the words in the middle? She’s good natured about it and says that’s how the song is. HAHA. Randy calls what she does scatting, and I call it the sound of a senile old woman trying to remember how “In The Mood” goes. Either way, yay. Her parting words are to the guy who drove the semi that hit her: “sorry I pulled out in front of you, dude.”

Amy Davis is pretty enough, but wow does this girl suck it. She sings “Where the Boys Are” so nasally and off key she makes Cameron Diaz singing karaoke in My Best Friend’s Wedding sound like Edith Piaf. I would write more about her, but frankly I had to fast forward through it after five seconds. I have my limits. I will ask, though, how many people audition for this show every year? And this is what you give us? Shame on you, Nigel.

Why don’t you just punch Connie Francis in the face next time?

Randy wasn’t so into it and Paula says she’s real perty, which is the biggest diss ever. Simon slams her too, but he could have been way meaner. I would have just thrown a Diet Coke can at her head and been done with it.

Brooke Whitebread, the lanky blonde with crazy eyes who’s introduction to the judges was all about how she’s never seen an R rated movie or said the f word or jerked off, comes to the stage looking way hotter than she has yet with dark eyeliner and controlled hair, but that’s about all that can be said. She sings “Happy Together” and starting off, it sounds like she has that nasty cystic fibrosis that’s going around, but she warms up and starts hitting most of the notes. As if sensing that she’s tanking, she starts grabbing the sides of her head, I guess to emote? I don’t get it. Again, bore snore. Get some and try again next year.

Excedrin: You stop, but the pain doesn’t.

Randy tells her that no matter what the song is, she needs to come out and slay it. There is too long of a discussion on what Randy means by that, and I think you should pick your battles, Simon. That one actually made sense. Brooke, with a hint of sarcasm, says “I’ll slay it” and makes a whipping motion. Paula starts with “this show is all about originality, and…” long pause. Is Paula actually gonna call someone generic Saltine crap?…”and you’ve got it!” Nope. Still Paula. The advice/compliment to herself? If you wanna be a star, people have to turn on the radio and instantly recognize the sound of you squealing into a tin can.

Simon says he feels like his in a “washing up liquid” commercial tonight, and I agree. Every single song has been in an ad for something. Has our culture raped and killed every single tune from the 60′s? Possibly. It’s sad. The music is generic and so is she. He says it was fine but he suspects she’s just gonna by all happy go lucky and nice through the whole competition. She asks if that’s gonna be a problem and Simon and I both answer “yes” at the exact same time. She says sorry, don’t know what to tell ya, and maybe it’s just me, but this girl is kinda sassing off and I don’t like it. I never trust people who are that overly cutesy and “nice”. A nice person doesn’t tell you how sweet and nice they are, they just do things for you. This girl’s faking it. Just my opinion. Time will tell.

I love the name Alexandrea Lushington. It sounds like a flavor of Mary Jane. That’s all I know about her. I barely even remember this girl from the auditions, and I completely zoned out during her intro montage. Something about a grandma and staying up late. Then I uncross my eyes and wonder aloud how long I’ve been sitting here with my eyes crossed and not even noticed. Anyway, she gets to the stage and wakes me up. She has a ton of energy, and if the volume was turned down on my TV it would seem that this fashion challenged teenager was nailing it. But woah. The volume’s up.

She misses most of her notes during “Spinning Wheel” and then switches it up and gives us some falsetto. There used to be this cook at work who would sing Michael Jackson songs and screech out the fals, and I can’t help but think of him. I don’t mean that as a compliment. Again. How many people auditioned for this show?

Uh…Go Longhorns?

Either I am totally off, or Randy’s praising her right now because he’s realizing that almost everyone he had part in choosing this year is average at best. “You worked it out, dawg!” Paula jumps on his train and blows as much air as she can up the girl’s cornhole. Simon hated it and compares it to a really bad performance in a really bad 60′s musical review. Paula’s retort, and latest words to herself? “She’s relevant”!

Tink backpeddles a bit after mispronouncing her name (it’s not his fault you’re named Alexandrea. I personally will remember it because I have made it the sequel name to Victory/Victoria in my head) and then points out that Simon seems to be commenting on an entirely different show. Simon says that he would expect more from the contestants who have made it this far, and Tink reminds him that he’s the one who brought them all here. He’s got you there.

Kady Malloy sang her ass off in auditions and does a killer Britney impression. And she would be a really great singer if she could hit all of her notes. The ones she does nail sound great, but she never gets through an entire phrase without a boner.

Randy starts off by complimenting her intro clip, which can’t be good. Sure enough, he hated it. Paula says she sucks but she’s awesome at imitations. Simon says that agrees with Paula’s remark that it sounded like Night of the Living Dead. HAHAH She so didn’t say that. Simon says it was dogshit and she seems dead inside.

Kady imitating Alaina Whitaker imitating Carrie Underwood imitating a zombie.

Tink asks Kady why she fell so hard on her face and she says she came across as a dead fish because she was singing a slow song, but if she was singing a fast song she’d “jump around more”. LOL. Way to miss the boat. Simon kinda bangs the table and rolls his eyes into his head like “CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?”

Asia’h has nuts. You know it because she spells her name Asia’h, she’s proudly sportin’ eighties claw bangs, and she’s singing Janis Joplin. Asia’h is the one who’s dad died in a crash two days before she auditioned. It was kinda hard for me to get on board with her, but only because when something bad happens I believe you should sit in your house for half a year and gain as much weight as humanly possible. It couldn’t understand her leaving in the middle of funeral arrangements to make a karaoke contest audition, I’m glad she did!!

Asia’h is adorable. She’s no Janice, but she doesn’t try to be. She smiles as she wails the song in her distinctive voice and even bounces around kind of retardedly. She sings a half step behind the beat and sings “take another little piece of my hor now babeh” and it’s awkward and adorable. She’s a fruit loop, and the girl can sang.

This was the least blurry of all the screengrabs I took.

Randy and Paula both compliment Asia’h but they don’t sound too happy about it, which makes me wonder if she’s a pain in the ass backstage. Simon calls it the best of the night. Wouldn’t go that far. Amanda wiped the floor with this goof ball, but after seven painfully bad performaces, any sign of life should and will be lauded. Atta girl.

Ramiele Malubay seems like the cutest sweetest girl in the world and she has a nice tone to her voice. When it’s not completely flat. Ouch, girl. She sings “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” and brings it style, attitude, confidence, and a lot full of clunkers. She belts in the middle and starts to get on track, but can’t quite get out all the belt notes. And it also doesn’t help that she’s paying tribute to Winehouse with the rats nest after Amanda already did it. I know she doesn’t pick the order she sings in, but if you find out you’ll be wearing the same dress as another girl at prom, CHANGE. This girl has serious attitude and presence, but I had to press mute three times.

Does your California roll have mayo?

Randy and Paula are all compliments, and so is Simon! WTF? He admits that he hated her guts at first but has warmed up to her and thinks she outsung everone tonight. HUH? What’d I miss? I know that’s not saying much, but still. I demand a recount.

Syesha is the one who lost her voice in Hollywood Week and walked around covering her throat and writing everything on a big pad. She came off as a total pain in the ass then, and she solidifies it tonight. No one who sits like this when they are doing their first interview on American Idol isn’t a complete asshole.

Sure enough, she tells us how impressed she was by her Hollywood audition and how she’s gonna always try to be as awesome as she was then. The thing that sucks about all of this is that she’s right. Her Hollywood audition was good. She sings “Tobacco Road” tonight and it’s screechy and hideous, which makes me feel a little better, but she’ll be around for awhile.

Randy and Paula are in love, and so is Simon, who calls her one of the best girls in the competition. Alright you guys. I know that I’m sometimes unfairly grouchy because it’s how I’m wired, but am I missing something tonight? Almost every single performance made me want to turn off my TV, and this is one of my favorite shows of all time. I’m confused. How did the writer’s strike affect my show?

Carly Smithson is next. She is pissing a lot of people off because A. She’s Irish (and it’s American Idol), and B. She had a recording contract when she was a teenager. I honestly don’t care because she can sing her ass off. At least she could during the auditions. Tonight she sings “The Shadow of Your Smile”, and she starts off belting, which is strange in such a soft song. Then she just keeps getting louder and louder. She doesn’t seem to be feeling much more than actual physical pain. She technically reaches her high belt notes, but they are shaky at best. This girl is belting so loudly she sounds like an annoying kid auditioning for Annie. I’m shocked, because I expected her to kill. I’m going to keep hope alive and hope she’s just suffering from that new strain of measles that’s going around. Sure enough, she does. She says “being sick is no excuse!” and I’ll go with her on that one.

You’re only a daaaaaay aaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaay!

Randy and Paula call her brilliant and by far the best of the whole group. Simon calls bs. He says that Carly has hype about her and was a total letdown. He also gives her shit for doing the cheesy mic/slide whistle mood, but Randy insists that it means she’s brilliant.

OK PLEASE you guys, tell me what you think of the season so far. This show will be consuming my life until Summer, and right now I’m very afraid. Am I on track here or do I need antidepressants? Check back this afternoon for T.Vo’s results show recap! xo