American Idol: Hopelessly Crazy If You Leave Me Now, Wayward Son

“I refuse to bathe until we get Melinda Doolittle back.”

I have a confession to make. While channelsurfing, I caught the end of a particularly hellacious episode of The Moment of Truth. The one where a dirty blonde who resembled a brassy Miss Piggy ‘fessed up to the following: 1. Being fired for stealing money from her workplace, 2. Not being in love with her husband on her wedding day, 3. Having sexual relations with men other than her husband post-wedding, and 4. Believing that she married the wrong man. Wow. That makes the three ring, two tranny circus that is American Idol look super classy!Seacrest, dressed like Barack Obama with a slightly opened button down shirt sans suit jacket, intones dramatically that millions of families are watching tonight. The futures of 10 girls hang in the balance. Nope, he’s not talking about abandoned Chinese baby girls who need emergency heart surgery so they don’t stop breathing and turn blue. We’re talking about 10 girls, half of whom can’t outsing a Tickle Me Elmo. This is part two of Idol hopefuls revealing their secrets and things we may not know about them from their MySpace profiles, fansites, or The Drudge Report.

Seacrest does the obligatory introduction of the judges, and he sounds more weary than the cast of Cats and Rent put togther. We learn that Randy wears size 13.5 shoes and has an inversely proportional penis. He’s still in love with the man cardigans, only this one boasts some fluorescent yellow trim. Paula, who actually looks better than the contestants, is wearing a lot of high-necked blouses lately, which makes me suspect someone’s got hickies to hide. Simon is back in his standard prep-school grey v-neck, and in a world where the economy’s going to hell, there’s nothing more comforting than a predictable wardrobe. No matter what happens, we’re going to be fine, my ass.

Alaina, Deal or No Deal wants you!

Welcome to the wedding from hell, for tonight we revisit songs of the ’70s. I’m waiting to hear someone sing Bob Seger’s “Like a Rock” next week when we hit the ’80s. Isn’t it time for songs rehashed and killed in car commercials yet? What’s frightening is that half of our contestants weren’t even born in the ’80s. They completely missed the boat, and have no idea how controversial slap bracelets were in public schools.

When pressed for feedback, Randy says it’s about figuring out what song suits your voice and singing style best. You know, like ballad versus uptempo versus the super-catchy jingle for Empire carpets. 1-888-2300-EMPIRE! Dun! Randy proclaims that the guys performances this week were hot, and that they’ve seen the one to beat. A halo appears above Fetus’ head as we are treated to the sound of heavenly choirs. Paula and Simon also stress song selection, but I’ll spare you the commentary. Simon observes there are 19 miserable contestants who realize Fetus is a force to be reckoned with. So here’s to the girls not topping Fetus’ rendition of “Imagine” this week, which was, by the way, ripped from the late, great Eva Cassidy.

Up first, the girl who cost MCA Records 2.2 million dollars and was envisioned to develop into a mature female vocalist along the lines of Celine Dion. You can call me the queen of France! Carly Smithson reveals that not only does she co-own a tattoo shop with her freaky-deaky husband, she also bartends at an Irish pub. Color me shocked and surprised, she managed to reaffirm two stereotypes in two seconds. Guinness and shamrocks, by golly. She reveals she’s quite a homey person (and not a belligerently drunk, perma-pregnant Irish bitch) as we cut to a shot of her making her bed. Her hotel bed. Which some underpaid, possibly illegal maid has to remake. She loves to clean, to cook, and to have herself another record deal.

Displaying the sleeve of tats and clad in all black, Carly is in rocker mode tonight. I’m pretty sure you can replicate her to the tee as a character in Rock Band. Busting out Heart’s “Crazy on You,” she’s most comfortable when it comes to belting higher notes but gets a little lost when it comes to the verse and lower pitches. She’s got better range than quite a few of the girls, but I don’t think she maximizes her lower notes or phrasing. I get the sense that she often has to rely on the big diva notes to pull her through the song, which pump up the urgency and energy and make it exciting for the audience. By the end, though, she seems extremely winded. Overall, she’s not a bad way to open the show, since she’s a pretty good performer and carries herself less awkwardly than many of the other contestants.

Concentration is not your cup of tea.

Randy grins and comments that she came out rockin’ this week. “I love hard,” Carly replies. “I know you love hard. Did I mention I wear a size 13.5 shoe?” he replies. That’s what she said, dawg. He notes that she started out rough, but made it solid by the end. However, she was pitchy and overhit notes. Paula is mostly happy to see that Carly loves Heart. Carly confesses that “Crazy On You” is her favorite song ever. Paula limits her comments to mostly how happy she is that Carly is back and healthy.

Simon calls her a heck of a singer, and says that she looked much more comfortable this week as her song was more her and less cabaret. However, he says, her excessive panting indicates she’s obese and is at risk for diabetes. Get on the Carrie Underwood diet! Just kidding, you don’t want to look like your head’s going to fall of like the girl in the scary story (her head was tied to her neck with only a black ribbon and it totally fell off at the end). He does remark that she’s the girl to beat, but she still hasn’t found her “it” song yet.

Seacrest tries to remind me to keep a piece of the show in my heart by downloading the songs from iTunes. Um, no. If I could, I’d carve out the part of my short term memory that remembers the horrid performances with a piece of jagged glass from a broken Jagermeister bottle. Next up, Syesha Mercado. Guess what? She, too, is no stranger to the camera (but I think she’s awesome). She’s charming and quite funny in divulging that she’s a commercial actress. I was hoping she’d talk about a less than glamorous gig involving an ad for genital warts, but instead we get a look at one of her commercials involving lots of sassitude and the line “D’wayne, find me a big, beautiful shell!” and are treated to her crying baby impression. She’s also featured in a Ford Sync commercial. Who sponsors American Idol? Ford. Wah wah wah!

A baby crying, however, is possibly the worst segue way into a performance. Syesha is taking on Billy Paul’s “Me and Mrs. Jones” but converting it to “Mr. Jones” so that Middle America doesn’t chastise her for being a lesbian in song. It’s slow and smooth as a ballad, but also pretty boring until we ramp up to the recognizable chorus. It makes me feel like I’m shopping for pizza pockets and discounted Valentine’s day candy at Ralphs. At like, 1 in the morning. But, protests Paula, the girl has a YES in her name. I think the verses are just too meek and forgettable compared to the powerful notes and the chorus, so she didn’t pick a song that maximized her vocal abilities or really challenged her. It was nicely interpreted, even if it was a bit on the side of easy listening, and I appreciate that she utilizes crescendos and diminuendos nicely.

Randy agrees with me, explaining that she needs to pick a bigger song that’ll feature her chops. It’s subdued for her voice and personality. Give it what you got, girl! Paula purses her lips and smacks them together, noting that Syesha powers through on the loud notes and it’s very piercing, and likes the interpretation and choices made. Simon calls the song indulgent and that it wasn’t written for a girl, which makes it silly of her to pick (hmm, kind of hypocritical considering the songs that are later performed). Simon, you probably wouldn’t tell Amy Winehouse that, would you? Her interpretation’s on Back to Black, which won, oh, I don’t know, how many Grammys again?

Brooke White thinks it would surprise people to know she’s a beauty school dropout. Shouldn’t that be a lead-up into a song from Grease? Halfway through the beauty school program she found Jesus, err, music, prompting her to change directions and drop out. We now have the explanation for why her hair is in the state it’s in. Woman, flatiron those horrible curly bangs! We get some shots of Brooke cutting a guy’s hair (her husband?) in her bathroom. It is possibly more ghetto than the haircut I got once at Fantastic Sam’s, in which they sent me out in the rain with wet hair because I had no idea they charged extra for the blow-dry. But I’m not a high school dropout, she says defensively. Touché.

Brooke is picking up the guitar tonight, which is a smart move since it’ll make her instantly memorable. If anything, it will save her for one week or two, a la Jason Castro on a good day (i.e. last week). She’s singing Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain”, which suits her, but I think her vocals are a bit weak. No matter, she just goes strummy-strummy-la on guitar and no one will scrutinize her vocals too closely because she looks all cute playing guitar. Is it just me, or does she look a lot older tonight? Probably all the heavy stage makeup. In my humble opinion, she doesn’t add anything new to the song. It’s just a good but predictable rendition of a song that’s enjoyable. It’s not a groundbreaking interpretation. She’s like the Starbucks of the singing world. It’s consistent and familiar, no matter where you order that grande vanilla soy latte no whip no foam no cancer-causing sugars, but I still don’t really like it. While the performance was pleasant overall, I don’t feel she’s the most compelling contestant. I would walk past her if she was playing at Santa Monica’s Third Street Promenade, and probably not put any cash in her open suitcase. I’m po’, people. Also, Brooke has some crazy killah eyes.

I can’t be the only one who sees the resemblance, right?

Randy isn’t sure if she brought anything different to the song, but it was a great song choice. He liked it, but says he and Paula are wondering if she’s targeting the judges panel with the “You’re So Vain” chorus, a male judge that’s not him, perhaps? Oh, a tribute to Simon Cowell/James Taylor/George W. Bush/whoever.

They didn’t like the way she was looking at them. Paula thinks it’s the perfect song for her, and that it suits her totally. It’s comfy, and people dig it. Simon absolutely loved it as well, in surprise agreement with Paula. He feels it’s a rare occasion where the artist genuinely chooses the song (as opposed to producers, eh?) and says the song didn’t feel old-fashioned. It’s the reason why she was put through. Brooke’s safe this week, people.

Ramiele Malubay, who is the walking personification of Cute Overload , reveals that she makes Baby Jesus cry. Like Sanjaya, she hula dances but looks much more convincing while demonstrating some moves. Seacrest continues to butcher her last name, but her fan base is solid. According to her MySpace profile, she raps in Tagalog! Seacrest points out that she was a big, blubbering mess last week when Colton and her roomie were kicked off the show. I’m also over the asymmetrical bouffant hair-do. It’s so last week.

Surprisingly, she selects Thelma Houston’s “Don’t Leave Me This Way.” It’s disco-inflected (or should I say infected?) and very uptempo and bouncy. I like Ramiele a lot, but her voice is flat in the verses. She’s adorable, but the song doesn’t suit her. I kind of hate the song. I feel like she’s holding something back. The judges will probably tell her that she’s got the chops but she needs to pull out all the stops. Or something that rhymes. She’s on the stiff side, which shouldn’t be the case for someone who’s not even old enough to drink. I’m disappointed since the performance was mediocre compared to what I think she’s capable of. Ramiele’s safe though. She’s just got to STEP. IT. UP. 2!

Ramiele, age 4.

Randy deems the performance okay. You mean mediocre? Compared to last week, she was so-so. The song choice was weird, he says, ’cause there are so many dope records that were out in the ’70s. When Randy isn’t eating up your cuteness with a spoon, you’ve got some work to do. Positive Paula thinks Ramiele’s one to beat, and that her vocals are truly amazing. Paula doesn’t think the song really allowed her to perform her magic. Paula loves going second in the judging panel cause she’s not required to form an original opinion. Finally, Simon is astonished that he agrees with Paula. He feels like he’s heard it so many times at “ghastly weddings” and she didn’t stand out this week. He thinks she’s one of the top three best in the competition, but she’s not memorable with this performance. So that means Fetus, Carly and Ramiele are in Simon’s top three?

Ramiele defends herself, explaining that she picked four different songs including two ballads, but was afraid she’d be called Ramiele Lullaby instead of Malubay. Seacrest even smothers a giggle and tells her not to second guess herself. I’m grateful that Ramiele is one of the few contestants who doesn’t embarrass herself when trying to speak in public (Fetus and Jason Castro, I’m looking at you). I kinda just want to take her home and force her to play Mall Madness with me while sipping on Malibu and pineapple juice cocktails. And then we can go to Forever 21 and get matching outfits!

Kristy Lee Cook realizes that “Amazing Grace” was not written in the ’70s and thinks to herself, “Well, sheee-it.” She confesses that she’s a tomboy, which…yawn. Girl, you suck at telling secrets. She proudly claims to do things that girls don’t do, like outdoorsy things, as we get a shot of her straddling a log of wood. Yep. And that she can’t walk in heels. I’ve seen dead people more interesting than this gal.

Manly men do this.

Kristy Lee Cook’s outfit screams Dance Camp. She’s got a plunging v-neck, sparkly silver shirt on and tacky blue velvet flared pants that have a grey sheen to them. I feel the strange urge to choreograph something to “Everybody Dance Now.” Need I say more?

She belts “You’re No Good” as an ode to her horrible pants. The song was most famously covered and made a #1 hit by Linda Ronstadt in ’73. I love me some Ronstadt, but I grew up with her “Somewhere Out There” duet with James Ingram. The song’s actually originally from the ’60s, but hey, “Jailhouse Rock” was allowed last week. Kristy’s slightly mannish strut reminds me of someone:

Kristy starts out confidently, but I just can’t buy this performance. “Forget about your baby” is really screechy and out of tune, and her attempt to sound gravely and rough isn’t quite believable. Maybe I just can’t get over the huge mistake that is her outfit. A hint of country twang comes out in her interpretation, so maybe she’ll veer back onto the country path that the producers and Simon want to steer her towards. She doesn’t want to enter the Carrie Underwood clone wars yet, but she’s just not a pop singer to me. However, it’s significantly better than week’s deathbed performance, and she won’t be leaving us just yet. Plus, they faked her out last week during the results show so they won’t do it again.

Randy graciously pronounces it 100% better than last week, that it was in tune for the most part but lacked breakout moments. Paula is glad that Kristy’s back and says it’s a good song choice. Eh. That doesn’t say much. Simon can’t remember what she sang last week and thinks this week is a huge improvement. La di da. However, he doesn’t know how to label her, who is she really? He thinks it’s easier for her to make a statement if she goes country, and reassures her that she has real potential. Kristy, who was on 5 antibiotics last week and couldn’t even hear the judges, agrees about the country thing. On a frivolous note, her sassy head shake attempts don’t hold a candle to Hanna Mantana’s.

It’s time for Amanda Overmeyer, who’s the one contestant who you can’t mistake for anyone else. She’s a bitchin’ nurse who loves her Harley, but did you know she’s also a bookworm? Seacrest is afraid she’s going to chomp his head off. Like David Cook, her “real rocker” counterpart, she enjoys intellectual pursuits such as reading the biographies of rock icons. And books on the music industry! I’m won over when she says that knowledge is power.

“You wanna get high?”

Her performance outfit/look makes Liberace look straight and subdued. She’s an Elvira tranny with hints of KISS/Criss Angel. Once she launches into “Carry On My Wayward Son” all I can think about is the South Park Guitar Queer-o episode. We’re not in Kansas anymore as she warbles and screeches and misses notes and drags behind the band. “You’re hurting me,” whimpers my boyfriend. She’s flatter than my chest circa 1995-2003. I applaud her guts/cojones, but it’s too over the top to have any real vocal merit other than being memorable bad karaoke. The melody is too obvious, the band is too prominent/crucial to the song, and… where is Tim Gunn when you need him?

Cruella de Vil after giving up cigarettes and blow.

The judges are cringing, and her performance may have induced irritable bowel syndrome in Simon Cowell. Randy loves Kansas and the band, but denounces the song for being too heavy on the melodies, too band-backed, and not bluesy enough for Amanda. Epic fail. Paula, avoiding the real matter at hand, proclaims that Amanda can DANCE! Paula suggests that Amanda lift her self-imposed Janis Joplin ban because she was the epitome of suck tonight. And to do what feels right and fits and not worry about anything else, but that she’s needed in the competition because ratings are sagging. And to try some paint thinner on the heavy makeup. Oh, and bluesy rock. Bluesy rock.

Simon is frustrated because she came over as very natural, very cool in her film and that the performance came off as contrived and fake (um, doesn’t the show supply the hair and makeup and stylists?) He tells her that her version of the song sucks next to this 10-year-old girl playing the song on a Yamaha Electone while wearing a feather boa and rightly so.

Alaina Whitaker has a secret. She doesn’t like vegetables, anything green, or for her food to touch or ooze onto each other. Hon, that’s called OCD. At one point, she had to use different forks for each entrée or side dish. She’s going to be twee and sing “Hopelessly Devoted to You.” Are we on the wrong reality show, or did we time warp back into NBC’s You’re the One That I want? I wouldn’t be surprised if Alaina tried out for that one too. Maybe America loves Grease more than I do, but Alaina’s performance screams local beauty pageant /podunk talent show/regional Star Search. She’s not the national disaster that Amanda Overmeyer is, but she’s possibly worse.The vocals are just generic and not perfectly on key. Forgettable, with a country-fried steak aftertaste. She’s also dressed as a fancy sack of potatoes in a strapless dress with a bubble hem.

You know you’re in trouble when you blend in perfectly with the screensaver.

Randy loves Olivia Newton-John but he doesn’t think the song suited her. Pitchy, restrained, and sharp. Paula envies Alaina’s skin and gams and tells her she did a real good job. She demurs that it wasn’t as bad as Randy said. Simon cuts to the heart of the matter and asks if Alaina’s grandma prepared her for the audition, since everything seems so old-fashioned and packaged. On a positive note, he thinks she’s a dark horse, whatever that means, and needs to become relevant. Not to get technical, but it’s the show’s wardrobe people who pick out the outfits and do hair and makeup. Alaina is just too Pollyanna/goody-goody for them right now, so perhaps they’ll dye her hair brown for next week and dirty her up. “It’s a very cute dress, darling, but I think we just gots to mess you up,” says Paula. Seacrest lamely jabs at Simon’s monotonous wardrobe and fails as we digress into a discussion of Tink’s fashion sense. I find five dollars in my couch.

Alexandrea Lushington, who competed against Fetus in Star Search, reveals that she is a poster child of the Atlanta Fire department. She performed at Ground Zero several months after 9/11 and is known for her performance…yeah, let’s get on with this. I am perplexed. Lushington’s outfit says, “I’m a sk8er boi who enjoys wearing muted colors.” Or someone who was kicked out of the Cheetah Girls after Raven-Symone realized she was a blimp next to Lushington’s skinny ankles.

Aberombie men’s called, they want their clothes back.

She’s chosen Chicago’s “If You Leave Me Now.” This might work if she sang it with a hint of irony. It’s a safe, old-fashioned tune that can’t be transported to the future no matter how modern your outfit is. There’s a puffy hooded vest! And a printed graphic long-sleeved tee! And cargo shorts! And ankle boots! Nope, not enough. It really doesn’t work, and is really disorienting since the song is something schmaltzy you’d sing at Showtime At The Apollo. It’s as if Doris Day decided to sing a Hilary Duff tune and dedicate it to Rock Hudson. Her take on it sends me back to the frozen food aisle at Ralphs, deliberating over what flavor of Haagen-Dazs to buy.

You know who makes this song relevant? BUTTERS!

Randy says the problem is that it’s so safe that he fell asleep halfway through. You should never make safe choices! Randy is the opposite of D.A.R.E. Paula does not concur. She feels that Alexandrea did let go and did her own arrangements and stretched it to make it her own. She’s never heard a female take on the song. Meh. Paula lays it on thick, saying it’s impressive and relevant. The woman is on crack.

Thank god for Simon. He was a big fan in the early stages but thinks that the song is stuck in its time period and there’s nothing you can do with it, which is why no one’s covered it. Except for Butters. He mentions that it’s inconsistent with her youth, that she looks uncomfortable, and that it’s pitchy. I know it’s not a ’70s tune, but “Do You Know The Way To San Jose” would’ve been a better song for Lushington.

When asked about her song choice, Alexandrea defends herself, saying she thinks the song was right for her, and “that’s all that matters.” Um. I see you like deluding yourself.
Seacrest mentions that 30 million people are watching, and it matters to them. She tries to look surprised, as if to make us forget she’s been on national TV before. Good one. I also almost forgot that I don’t have a 401k. I know the judges didn’t really rake her over the coals for this performance, but I didn’t consider this any better than Alaina’s beauty pageant performance. I think she’s going to be in trouble.

Kady Molloy, resident hottie and Britney pre-crazy impersonator, has a cultured little secret. She can sing opera, which she’s been doing since age 9. We’re treated to her Britney impression once more (she’s really good at that dirty slut voice) and she thinks that Simon will roll his eyes once he hears she can sing opera. “You sing opera bettah than you sing up here!” she jokes. She reveals how little research she’s done, as Simon Cowell is the commercial mastermind behind Il Divo, the operatic pop vocal group which went quadruple platinum in the UK.

Designed by the folks at Jelly Belly.

I spy with my little eye a black tunic dress with big-ass buttons (it must be Tori Burch on steroids), and a fabulous turquoise statement ring. And leggings from American Apparel. Ooh, and pretty hair. That’s the best part of the performance. “Magic Man” by Heart isn’t known for a predictable melody line that’s easy to sing along with, but Kady sounds more lost than Stephen Hawking on The View. I’m sure the audience at home is trying to make excuses for her. Maybe she couldn’t hear the band? Maybe she just got braces? Maybe Lucy Ricardo tied up the real Kady in the janitor’s closet? We’re treated to a one measure guitar riff that’s better than anything that comes out of her mouth. Oy. Everything’s dissonant and her voice is stuck in her throat. I have no idea what just happened. Her garbled, jumbled performance just made Carly Smithson’s Heart song look fantastic. But hey, not being able to find a melody’s memorable!

Randy’s all, “I love Heart. And the song. But not you.” He’s convinced that she never found the notes she was looking for, and offers her some glasses. Paula, skirting the issue once more, says she sounded great when she powered, but she lost a bit on the low notes. Paula thinks she sings opera very well. “I think you have many hidden talents,” she declares, and then mentions the song choice wasn’t the right one.

Simon is mega-frustrated, saying the film and opera is good, but the song doesn’t seem to make sense. He thinks she was impersonating Christina, singing at the back of her throat, and totally losing the melody. He says a million percent, it was the wrong song. Seacrest tries to get constructive criticism out of the judges, but it just comes down to the song selection. He then asks leading questions such as “Do you think you’re just overanalyzing, thinking too much?” Kady’s all, naw, dawg, I was just having fun. He begs her to thank him in her Britney voice. Creepy.

I know we lost the other resident hottie, Amy Davis, last week, but Kady has more potential than Amy Davis and for that reason, she won’t go home. She picked a terrible song for her voice and butchered it, and is definitely in the bottom four, but I have a feeling she’ll slip through for at least another week. Who else is gonna impersonate Britney for us? Hannah Mantana?

Asia’h is our closer, and confides that she is a compulsive eyebrow plucker. And a cheerleader who will cut you if you don’t keep those arms crisp and straight. She’s had some great phrasing/tone earlier in the competition, but I hear the strains of “All By Myself” start up and immediately know that Asia’h is no Celine Dion. Asia’h appears to be channeling/cloning Paula with her silky straight extensions and slutty QVC secretary outfit. A ginormous black belt has eaten her mid-section. Am I right?

You’re the poor man’s Maria’h Carey.

Here’s your musical factoid of the night: Eric Carmen ripped a lot of this song off from Rachmaninoff. I betcha didn’t know this song has such highbrow beginnings. The low verses are lackluster, and her voice breaks on the first “All by myyyyysellllffff!” We escalate and power up, but she starts to screech on the really high notes (which she can’t hit, they’re all flat), reminding me of my mother as she entered menopause and the age of hot flashes.

Asia’h attempts the ultimate diva song, and while I believe you should get points for the try, I think the song ate her up and chewed her for two seconds before spitting her out. It just felt icky and awkward as her voice gave out and came back in and then dropped out again. I begin to wonder if any of the other contestants encourage someone to sabotage themselves like this. I mean, I would, but that’s ’cause I’d play American Idol as though I was on Survivor. Can you imagine little Ramiele saying, “Oh Asia’h, you sing this better than Julie Andrews used to sing in The Sound of Music! Before they found polyps on her vocal chords! Totally go for it, girl!” However, Asia’h's been a fan favorite from the beginning, so I don’t believe this performance will be her downfall. I would, however, like to burn her outfit.

Randy says it’s a very difficult song to do since Celine knocked it outta the ballpark. He thinks she did a good job and gives her the “good try, you chose the highest level of difficulty which led to your inevitable downfall” award along with Luke Meh-nard. Paula, who’s on some uppers this week, says it was great when she demonstrated her pipe power, but baaaaad on the low notes. And that she brought it home. If home were a Hoover-ville shantytown constructed of Ikea furniture scraps in a world without bacon, that is. I don’t believe in sugarcoating comments just for the sake of not killing people’s dreams, but Randy and Paula are seriously giving the girls the white glove treatment. If you juxtapose this performance with Fetus’ closing number, Fetus pwns Asia’h.

Simon, our show’s Honest Abe, thinks it’s one of the diva songs of all time and you have to be a heckuva singer to pull it off. He agrees that she did not pull it off. Simon believes that she almost got away with it, but the song was too big for her. When all is said and done, Seacrest defends Asia’h, pulling out the Sick Card. Fine. You can be sick this week, and America will forgive you.

Performances aside, I noticed a pattern which may help me determine who the top four and the bottom three are. And no, I am not crazier than Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, thank you very much.

Cute scarf. Carly’s safe.

Crazy killah eyes, but cute scarf. Guitar = immunity.

Yet another cute scarf! Syesha’s staying.

Ramiele could drape a string of dead rats around her neck and still be cute. A keeper!

No scarf, but safe compared to Alexandrea.

She made this scarf out of Elmo’s skin. Lushington’s in trouble.

No scarf plus blandness = trouble. You’re not the one that I want!

America likes crazy trains. Bottom four, but not gonna get eliminated.

Cuter than Alaina, and therefore safe.

Get sick, collect $200. We don’t kick off the closers.

There are too many similar-looking blondes on the show right now, so I think guitar girl Brooke and Kady are safe (America is not willing to relinquish all of the eye candy yet) while hopelessly devote Alaina’s going to go home to Oklahoma to star in some local musicals. Kristy could be in trouble, but they made her sweat last week and didn’t kick her off. Would they do it this week? Amanda, while a hotter mess than Hannah Mantana, definitely leaves an impression and burns her image onto your retinas. She’s not leaving yet. Asia’h had a bad week but was more memorable than Alexandrea, the unwitting poster child for 2002 fashion trends. Thanks for hanging in there with me, Gasmi! Will the ’80s be kinder to our damsels, or will Amanda opt for the Bob Seger?