American Idol: Hollywood’s Not For Sissies. Wait. Never Mind.

It’s the biggest season yet!! They’ve auditioned over 100,000 loozas! Will they find at least one that doesn’t suck bawls? Well, we’ll sure have fun while they try. THIS! Is American Idol!! Welcome to Hollywood!

WHY AM I SINGLE?!?! WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

As he does every year, Tink flitters around spreading fairy dust on everyone and being the sweet tiny little non offensive host he is. The only difference is, this year he’s wearing a Bromance shirt. Poor little fella. I bet he was sad when Brody didn’t pick him. What’s the point of producing an entire show around someone if you’re not even gonna get a hand on your knee? You ungrateful heathen, Brody Jenner!

The 147 who have made it this far stand on the huge stage and look out at the thousands of seats and practice their earnest emoting faces, like Obama’s floating down from the ceiling on a golden cloud with rent vouchers and Grammys for all.

You need to have them start shooting you from the other side, Eponine. Don’t say I never taught you nothin’.

Randy gives an inspirational speech. “This will separate from the real ones to da fake ones right here!” This is why they only let him “woot” and “dawg”.

Close your nose! You’re disturbing America.

Tink tells us, as he does every season, that the talent is out of control this year. I’ve heard it before, pixie! And every year there’s at least one Blake or Spanx or Diana DiGuarmo working their way into my memory to torture me for the rest of my life. I want to have Blake’s “album” played at my funeral so everyone goes home and kills themselves. Why should I be the only one to die? Point is, every year I put my off key beat boxing simmering hate aside and believe Tink. If you don’t believe in miracles, what’s the point of even being here? Aw! And look! Right when my attitude changes, Fantasia and LaToya get in the middle of the stage and squeeze out a baby! You see? BELIEVE!

Ask and ye shall receive, m’kay?

The judges come out and greet the contestants, and Simon looks very fit and slim. Thankfully, he has kept his butt crack haircut and his man boobies. I just wanna yank up the skin on his shoulders and chip clip it.

So how have your nips been getting along with your belly button lately?

Simon’s advice is basically “don’t suck”, but he doesn’t need to prep them much because this year the producers have put the kids through American Idol Bootcamp. This means they got their hair did,…

Did anyone bring matches?

…took some vocal lessons,…

That hat is off key.

and learned what do do if Paula ever corners them in the bathroom.

Cry as loudly as you can and tell her she’s a gift.

Everyone’s super nervous. For comic relief, Martin short comes out and electrocutes himself, puts on a Rod Stewart wig, and does a set.

When did Barry Manilow become an old lady’s underarm jiggle?

The producers have promised that this year there won’t be so many old people themed nights. Instead, there will be fresh young artists. Part of the fun will be in seeing what Nigel considers fresh young talent.

Barry was thrown a bone though, and allowed to come to the auditions. He’s a mentor who really cares about the kids, which is sweet, and none of them get nervous cuz they don’t know who the hell he is.

Holy shit is that the lady from Kath and Kim?

Barry gives a speech about believing in what you’re singing and never letting anyone tell you you’re too old to spray tan and wear ridiculous hair from the eighties. This guy is totally moved.

Man I hope I win Project Runway.

Half of the contestants are sent wandering down Hollywood Blvd to see where the real talent lives while the other half audition.

First up is Baby LaTasia, whose real name is Lil Rounds. I wonder if her real name is Lily or Lil. There’s Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Bowwow, Lil Wayne, Lil John…Lil’ is the new Jane or Sam of the black community. And I’m all for it. Sorry, where were we? LaTasia belts “I Will Always Love You”, the song I am doomed to hear at least once a day in an elevator or store or waiting on hold for the rest of my goddamned life. And she belts it haaard. She’s shaky, and she might have picked maybe a gentler part of the song. But she gets the high notes and makes everyone’s head hurt, which is a plus on this show.

Get this girl a lil Dulcolax.

Let’s talk new judge for a sec. REALLY? Really. WTF? She’s annoying, she’s rude, and not in a way that makes me like her. Every time she opens her mouth I get the same feeling I got when I lived a mile from the airport and planes woke me up all hours of the night. The first time this ho opened her mouth I put a pillow over my head and vowed to move. And when I saw her name it all made sense. The airport I lived by was LaGuardia. BITCH! Scara LaG gives Lil a standing O and tells her that she’s brave and powerful, and that’s what a star needs. See that was something nice and not rude or annoying and still? Hate. It doesn’t help that she looks like Kat McPhee.

If this bitch lies down on the stage and sings while eye fucking the camera, I’m done.

Dennis, the guy who did a back flip in Kansas City, is next. He sings really well, but he’s super crack heady and his eyes bug out and the second he starts singing I just wanna say “sorry I don’t have any change on me, cracky. Move on.”

Simon is gently brutal and tells Dennis that the insane face will make people afraid to buy his album.

What do you mean?

Lil is kept, but Dennis is out. He doesn’t take it lying down though! Dennis grabs a mic and tells the judges off for sending a bad message to America in saying that he’ll scare people with his face. Then he tries singing more and tells Simon he looks cheap in his lame clothes and they all suck as judges. Teehee. Simon calls after him that he reinforced his decision times a hundred and he’ll raise him a “mush mouth” and a “bug eyed freak.” Dennis goes to pack his nineteen pairs of shoes and sings to the cameras about how mad America’s gonna be about him getting cut.

LOL

Hey, maybe there’s a career path for you after all!

We are shown the contestants who aren’t auditioning today f ing around at Hollywood Landmarks. Look! It’s the Beverly Hills sign! It’s a guy selling Star Maps! It’s the public restroom George Michael offered to give an undercover cop a bj in! Back at the theater, the singers are sucking wind as the day drones on and they hear one no after another.

Next up is Nathanael, who you know is desperate for love and attention because he has big gelled hair, a headband, purposely mismatched plaid shirt, sweater and tie, and most telling, piercings on his mouth that look like someone tried to fit him with a saddle. Grrrrllllll…

I would give you a hug, but you’re too damn pathetic. NEXT!

He sings a song no one’s heard of called “Anchor” or some shit like that. He has a very pretty voice, and he’s very boring about it. It’s sad when people try to be interesting in any way they know how and then…they aren’t. Paula says his voice is nice but the song selection was snorezy and Randy asks why he chose it. Probably because he didn’t get enough love in his childhood or some bs. Sure enough, he says, no whispers meaningfully, that he’s had a very troubled life and the song makes him less likely to freak out when he starts worrying that he doesn’t have a support system “like everyone else”. Dude, you’re parents would give you love if you weren’t such a huge disappointment. Waaaaahhhhh! You know what the secret to curing depression is? LIFE SUCKS FOR EVERYONE. On your way.

Look. I’m feeling things.

Paula tells him that he’s very talented, and instead of leaving and being a big boy, he starts crying. OY. He says that he wants this so bad that it comes out of his skin. That’s called pimples and piercing puss. Here’s a bottle of rubbing alcohol. Tell your friends it’s a trophy. He wipes his dry face (FAKER!) and gets his ass back in line for the long wait until OH HAYELL NO.

I wish I was there to put a sugar cube in his mouth and shut him up.

A guy named Anoop is up next. Sorry but LOL. He’s Indian, somewhat handsome, and sings beautifully. There’s no way he’s not making it through. I hope he becomes a huge celebrity just to watch people trip all over Hollywood Blvd to crack up at his name in the center of a star. Jasmine is out next, and I am immediately worried because the last Jasmine was Jasmine Trias, the chick that singlehandedly made me vow to never go to Hawaii. No worries! This Jasmine is 16, gorgeous, and has a fantastic booming voice.

The hippie chick with the bad print dress and the Eponine hat is next, and the judges start laughing at her shruggy goofy hello. Cut to Idol bootcamp, where Rose is boning it and asking to start over. Then cut to fake cry headband piercing guy, who is giving bitch face as she messes up.

Faker! You’re really a c word I knew it!

The vocal coach asks her what it means for her to be here and she answers that she’s doing it for her parents. Unless your parents just died in a horrible car crash, that’s so the wrong answer. After her lesson, she breaks down in the hallway and says that she’s not as good a singer as she thought she was and then she mumbles unintelligibly about wanting her mom and dad with her. I can’t understand the rest. God I hope she didn’t just say they were dead because I’ll feel horrible. She sings “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” and she’s not bad, in that driving down a bumpy road vibrato kinda way, but she’s all herky jerky and swaying off beat and she’s got a name tag on her head. Simon is strangling himself.

Do my pants really look cheap?

The entire line is passed on through. WTF? Even piercing headband fake emo queen kid who didn’t get enough love in his childhood? His ass better be gone by the end of the week because I don’t want to have to come up with a nickname for this tool. Stephen Fowler is the first guy from the next group. He’s a charming, good looking black man with a killer voice. He nails it. Jorge is next and belts out a long note that is painful to me, but Paula says it was beautiful and Skara was mouthing the words the whole time. Well, she was trying to. She got them all wrong, but glad to see her moving her mouth and not hearing anything coming out.

Line!

A dour guy named Von is next. Love your store!! He doesn’t sound that bad to me, and the faces he makes are priceless. He should get in on face making.

Simon hated it, calling it indulgent nonsense. Horrible song, horrible performance, really annoying and a performance a ten year old trying to learn to sing would give. OUCH. And you put through the mediocre hippie and the piercing moron? COME ON! Wait! They put him through!! Thank God. This guy is gonna be screengrab gold. Break down their spirits so they don’t ask for too much money out of the gate. I forgot this rule of American Idol judging. I’m using it on the busboy next time I go to work. Get me some respect!

Norman, the dude who dressed in shorts, a glitter shirt and a headband in New York, is here. He disregarded the judges’ advice to be “normal”, and he got his five minutes. ARGH. My aunt Josie dated a chick that looked just like Norman, and she made me pull weeds to “man it out” and told me if I couldn’t catch a ball I’d never get anywhere in life. Damn. Was she right? I still can’t catch and well, here we are. Anyway, this is bringing back bad times and I have to FF. Sorry.

Suck it, Phyllis!

Randy says he’s hilarious. And he can actually sing. ?? to both. Simon says that without his outfit he’s boring and lame but when he’s in the outfit he’s just a joke. LOL. Paula says that it would be nice to see him sing something stripped down. Of course he acts like he’s gonna strip. HACK! She means she wants to hear him sing something real. This was his chance and he blew it. Down with Phyllis! And they keep him!!! Oh man. Way to earn back a little respect, American Idol. Jesus. The next day the second group is up. I know it’s immature to hold on to anger about a stupid reality show, but I CANNOT BELIEVE some of the crap they put through. Maybe today will be better.

The fauxhawk can’t be a good sign.

Jackie, the “rocker chick” from NY who made the wall fall over and mugs to the cameras a lot, is the first we see. She’s trying to be this year’s Amanda, but Amanda looked like she could choke on her own vomit at any given moment and Jackie’s kinda cute and is trying way too hard. And she’s wearing a gold glitter fanny pack, which I just can’t get behind. Randy and Paula give her props and then she falls all over herself trying to be hilarious. She makes it through, and tells the camera crew that it’s hard to be happy when her “best friend” didn’t make it through. Then she turns to the girl and asks “what’s your name again?” OK, LOL. I’m undecided.

Montage of people crying and hugging new friends and Simon telling people that they should have been aborted. Then we get a clip of Jamar and Danny, the guy with the fauxhawk. They’re best friends and are supportive of each other. Danny’s wife died, and he sings through the tears. Oh man his wife died ? I feel bad for making fun of his faux. Wait. You’re not gonna make me root for a faux hawk, man! Dead wife or not! I have principals! Jamar sings first, and wow. He’s got an amazing voice. He’s also got a piercing on his CHEEK. Why does the youth of today hate itself so much? His eyebrows are also severely uneven. I suspect Danny waxed them.

Note to self. Never let a mourning straight guy wax me.

He kicks ass, with Danny behind him beaming proudly. AW! Danny is next, and he has a smoky, pitch perfect voice. These two are cute. Paula gives Danny a standing o and tells him he’s brilliant and that he should wait for her in the bathroom. Next up, Sanjaya gets kicked off all over again.

I want my siiiiiister!

Kiss my grits, Mayell!

Bikini Whore from Phoenix is up next. She tells us that when Skara started singing during her audition all she could think was that the bitch is really insecure. You know Skara went home that night and thought “I wish I was a twenty year old semi cross eyed girl with botched plastic surgery.” She keeps making out with Tink and showing us all her bikinis and you know what? She will probably get in along side fauxemo piercing guy and ex-uncle Phyllis.

Watch my finger. Focus!

She sings Faith Hill’s “Breathe.” She sounds like she’s holding her nose, but poor thing. That’s her doctor’s fault. Mexico is good for underage drinking and getting cheap prescription drugs over the counter. Not reconstructive surgery. If you complain about your new Elmo nose all you get is a “sorry no refund me no speaky Englee.” Skara toys with her about her first audition and adds that this time it was better at the beginning and for a second she thought she was wrong the first time. Bikini Whore is ecstatic, and then Skara continues “….but I was right.” HAHAHAH. Any enemy of my enemy…Simon makes claw sharpening noises at Skara, and she asks for Paula’s help.

I fogotted my woller skates at home but I’ll go get that side of ranch for your wings by walking.

Paula agrees that it started fine and went off kilter. BW tries to stick up for herself: “But I like beink surrounded by muuuzic? That’s why I wanted to sink in the first place?” Simon gets that dirty skeezy old gay man finding a nice piece of art voice and tells her that he agrees that all she needs is music and she’s very talented. Randy giggles and laughs. And this is gonna shock you. She’s through!! As she leaves, Skara says “bring your pole tomorrow!” I am liking Skara right now and I don’t like that I’m liking her.

And now for a montage of people not moving on.

I’m back cuz my dream’s dead. Feel free to follow it at any time.





But I already sent Bitzy to the pound! WAAAH!!!

Jeremy, the giant cute dude from TX makes it through easy squeezy, but Jesus is dissed and let go. He gets really mad and tells his family that he’s over it and he’s gonna rain frogs down upon the Kodak theatre and turn about three gallons of water into wine and get wasted off his ass.

Do it!

The last group is up. David Osmond starts. How many dufus cracker spermatozoa can one family have? I read that this guy was in the National Tour of The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which Donny did before him. I’m glad to see that the cheese torch is being passed on and we will never run out of Osmands to make fun of in my lifetime. He’s only shown for a sec. Then we get a really scared looking country singer. I like her because she’s not all skinny and fake boobied and shit. And she’s an FBI agent!

Can you hear the lambs screaming, Clarice?

She’s only shown for a second too. I guess we have to cut off the decent singing portions of the show to allow time for Bikini Whore and FauxEmo Piercing and Ex-Uncle Phyllis. The Young Flo from Alice is next. She rehearsed “I Put a Spell on You” with the fawning vocal coaches, but decided at the last second to sing a No Doubt song. Bad choice. The judges aren’t liking her, but come on she kicked so much ass compared to the losers they’ve put through!! She better pass. This show is so frustrating. Everyone makes it through to the next round except for Clarice Starling. She stays behind and grabs a mic. She says she has spent her whole life being a fighter. Darn. You shoulda spent it singing. It’s good for your vocal chords and it makes you look less mannish.

Paula is swayed, but Simon is a firm no. Paula says she’ll fight him tooth and nail, but that only means that she’ll bitch and moan for two minutes straight, which she does. Clarice knows she’s losing, so she adds “it’s my cousin’s birthday!” Come on, you can do better than that. Does your cousin have lupus? Does your cousin need your kidney? Come on Clarice! Give me something!

She doesn’t and she’s out. Montage of people that made it through but were too boring to show clips of, and the people that made it through but are already professionals. Way to play down the RIGGING, AI!!

Thanks for reading, guys. I’ll be back next week for regular recapping duty with the Top 36!