American Idol: I Don’t Know What Kind of Aaaaartist You Aaaare!

Tonight, the girls who suck consistently are awesome and the awesome girls suck. Way to change it up, Idol!

Well, at least someone’s consistent.

We open with Tink introducing the remaining girls one by one. I know it must be tough to come up with new and creative ways to do this every week, but come on now. Katie starts it off and she looks skery.

Come play with us. FOREVAH!

The only other news worth reporting right now is that Sio isn’t wearing jorts. Ellen is sitting on Simon’s lap nuzzling his ear. The only way she could be truly as sad as Skara is if she had balding bangs and teenage sperm at the corner of her mouth.

So it’s true. Simon does like boys.

The second Ellen’s back in her seat, Skara is up Simon’s bum again. And Randy’s in horizontal stripes. I was getting worried there for awhile and thought he was trying to reinvent the “as fat as I can possibly appear” look. Good to have you back!

Simon says this is the worst night to get offed cuz you’re so close to the top twelve, which is the second worst night to go cuz you only get to go on tour in the top ten, right? Meh who cares. Katie is first, and her voice is low, smokey, and completely void of all emotion as usual. The song is “Breakaway”. She starts getting off key, but luckily it’s time for the belt chorus. And then she goes off key there too. Ouch. Why in God’s name would you sing Kelly Clarkson if you can’t do it even a quarter as well? She’s singing a “I’m Breaking Up with Clive Davis” song before she’s even turned in one good performance. I think Katie’s got some talent, but she really fucked up tonight. Her last note is off key and shaky and she looks like she’s been trying to push out the same piece of poo for a week.

Hopefully Jamie Lee Curtis will be in the audience soon to get your butt regular, girl.

Also, I get that she’s trying to look “younger” for the judges, but those pants just scream leprosy.

When she’s done (sticking poisonous needles into that song), she audibly clears her throat. Oh great. She’s passive aggressively playing the sick card. Sorry, but OrganiJoplin survived a bone marrow transplant or some shit last week. A better strategy would be to, you know. NOT SUCK.

Randy says the song is too big for her and it wasn’t wise to go up against Kelly. Ellen said that Katie took their note about singing a younger song….

What about “…” don’t you understand? Might wanna hold off on that whole “basking in the Lord’s blessings” thing for a bit.

…but she still seemed too old. LOL. She also points out that Katie doesn’t have much emotion. Skara thinks Katie has a great radio voice, but she doesn’t know herself. In other words, jerk off a lot and start a diary. Worked for me! I found out that I’m horny and have the penmanship of a five year old girl. Simon says that she takes their advice but she doesn’t know what kind of artist she wants to be. My advice? She should be the kind of artist that works in one of those Build a Bear places. He says “you sucked….the air out of it.” HAHA. He mentally pats her on the head and says that she gets a ten for trying but needs to be less gloomy. Are you guys not hating Katie enough right now? She tells Tink that she was eight when Kelly won American Idol. OK, now we can charge her and rip her limb from limb. Yay angry mobs!

She says that she chose the song cuz she was trying to listen to the judges and she’s from a small town and wants to break away from it. It’s called going to college, skank. Then she says that she wants to be “a bluesy artist with some youth kinda thing.” That’s a direct quote. If all fails here, at least Barbara Walters will have a replacement. Just sing songs that you don’t suck at, k? And call your grandma. Remember her? Her either. Katie begs America for a vote. This girl’s almost as pathetic as Skara.

No.

Do you guys watch Big Love? How Barb is Sio right now?

I don’t need you any more, Bill.

Oh no! Crystal’s house! This girl can’t catch a break.

Sio tells Tink very slowly that she’s singing “House of the Rising Sun” for her dad. It takes her about four minutes to say that, which I love. Her dad is obsessed with her voice, and apparently with the hairdo of the lady behind him cuz he totally copied it.

Glad to see they’re still selling perms in a box. Beauty Shops can be super unsanitary.

Odd song choice, but if anyone can make it odder, it’s her. She starts off a cappella, and it’s prettier than it should be. Just when the song starts to lag, she belts her face off. It’s so powerful that her teeth fall out of place.

Well shit. Now you need braces.

Not one missed note and she wailed that thing. Could have done with a more exciting song, but I’ll take it. Randy says it was different and he loves that she’s risky and doesn’t listen to the judges. Ellen is from New Orleans and knows that house. Sad horns. Ellen thinks she was fantastic, Skara loves that she’s so unique. Simon wasn’t crazy about it because her interview, her performance, and her outfit are all weird and if he was seeing her for the first time he would be worried. Skara tries to jump on the hate train late and says that she doesn’t know what kind of artist Sio is. Shut up Skara. I don’t know what kind of artist you are. What the fuck does that matter? Danny Gokey just found out he was a country artist like last week, and he got a local glasses commercial in Wisconsin. These kids need time to blossom into the kind of crap you people sell. Or wilt, as it were.

Girl Gayken is singing “The Story.” As she sings, all I can see is the commercial for the MacBook Air. Little girl on a bumpy road. Her voice sounds like a giant fake to me, but to her credit her song is on key, her emotion is showing through and it’s the best she’s done by far. She even hits her high notes. Very pretty, and she softly nails the last note. Nice work Gayken! Now shave your head or get me some super sized french fries and make yourself useful.

Randy was bored by the song but says it was her best performance yet. Ellen agrees that it was her best and the song sounded like she wrote it herself. She means it as a compliment. Skara says it was effortless and gorge. Simon didn’t love the song, but she sang it really well and it sounded radio ready. He also gives her credit for eye fucking the camera like a pro.

Stiffler’s Mom is singing some Carole King, and she’s got some serious hair today in honor of the master.

“I Feel The Earth Move When Randy Wears Horizontal Stripes” is the song. She doesn’t do anything new with it, but she does play a tiny piano and make funny faces.

I see what you’re gonna look like in forty years, and it’s not pretty.

Love the song, love Carole, love Katelynn, but this is all pretty snory. The end face wins me over again though. She’s squeezing so hard that she turned the crease in the middle of her eyes sideways. That’s talent. At least facially.

Randy likes her big hair and her tiny piano but says that she had no vibe and it wasn’t special. Ellen asks if the tiny piano is a guitar. Mooooooo. The cows need milkin. She doesn’t think that song was exciting enough to get people to vote. Skara says that she wasn’t competing and she wasn’t in the zone. Then she does a story with her hands about two friends who got on the same tv show.

One friend came in all inconspicuous like and then made sure her “friend” always had pills and booze handy and then that drunk slutty friend got fired and a big hand whooshed her away and now the nice friend has her seat and puts her hands all over her man. Do you see what I’m trying to say about Carole King?

Stiffler’s Mom says that she was just trying to be less corny. AW! Stop it. Be corny. I like you corny. You guys. Are you worried that Skara isn’t gonna make it into every shot Simon has tonight?

.

Don’t.

The only nice thing he has to say is that he liked Katelynn’s hair. I would like to compliment her on choosing John Voight as a father. He deserves another chance.

Hopefully this one won’t wear blood vials around her neck and collect babies from other countries like GarbagePail Kids cards.

He adds that she came across like a singing waitress and she did nothing special with the song. He thinks she might be out! I agree. I hope she’s not, but if she keeps that crap up fuggetit. I think these two have a huge chance of sucking more though.

Fingers crossed!

My Ford has a sunroof, but I don’t use it cuz I’m sick of seeing bald pictures on TMZ. Damn helicopters. Hey I learned how to play MP3s! YAY FORD!

And now, it’s time for a little porn.

Get over here and unclog me you beast.

Mark Valley’s on a show that hasn’t been cancelled in under six episodes. I didn’t think I’d see that happen in my lifetime.

DoDo’s whippin out the guitar for some Fleetwood Mac. She sounds exactly like Girl Gayken. And like Gayken, she’s singing better than she has all season. She misses a couple of notes and doesn’t build at all, but she’s feeling something. Chest pains?

Burp, girl!!

I didn’t know DoDo had it in her. Very interesting, cuz she and Girl Gayken were my least favorites, but they seem to have beat Katelynn and Sio for the night. Damn twists and turns! Randy says it was a whole lot better, then laughs. Rude. Then he sighs and says it was missing a wow moment and she could do better. Ellen says “yes indodo DoDo.” Um, I don’t get it. She gives DoDo credit for even coming back after getting ripped apart like that last week. Skara says it was one of her fave moments of the season. Then she keeps talking and talking and making that “this is how sincere people look” face.

Simon says it was head and shoulders above everything else tonight. Woah. No. I wouldn’t go that far. Dare I say Gayken is in the lead? I can’t believe what my fingers are typing that either, but there I said it. She proved that she’s an artist and her wow moment was the whole performance. Good for her! Oh no. My little Katelynn might be leaving. WHY GOD? Paige is next with “Smile.” She starts off way shaky, off rhythm, and misses a note. Ouch. She’s scared out of her mind. Another miss. Know what to do when you’re in doubt? Key change! She tries a run and falls on her face, then the belt comes out and then another key change and a rhythm change! LOL! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? She tries to keep up with the music, then shakes more, then mouth farts out a shaky flat note to end. OUCH. That was horrible. Don’t believe me? Look at Ellen’s face.

And she’s the nice one.

Randy thanks her for vomiting all over his favorite song. He didn’t get the rhythm change and says it reminded him of “what do you want tonight? The fish, the beef or the chicken?” I wonder how a thin person would have phrased that. “What do you want to do tonight? Jog, swim or hike?” Then, after they asked it, Randy could eat them. Ellen’s like “Uh no fail sorry.” Skara says it was all wrong and asks if Paige knew how much it blew. Paige says that she was super emotional cuz she loves the song. I used to. Simon says it was a horrible choice and she got screwed on the arrangement. She had so much potential but just pissed it away. Paige tells Tink that it was emotional cuz she was a Michael Jackson fan and he recorded it. Oh wah. Simon is as touched as I am by her story.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh God keep talking I’m almost there….AAAAHHHHH. Thank you. Now get me a paper towel and clear the stage.

The Disney Channel. Making your kids as stupid as possible since 1983.

When we come back from break, Simon is telling Tink he can’t sit in his lap. This gay guys pretending to be straight guys pretending to be gay is as hilarious as it ever was! Which is to say not at all. Tink really knows how to commit to the butch part though, gotta hand it to him.

The only thing that could make this pose any gayer is an actual penis in his mouth.

OrganiJoplin is up next with “Gimme One Reason to Stay Here” by Tracy Chapman. Her guitar’s out of tune, but I like that she makes a Katelynn face.

But with fewer teeth.

It gets going when she belts, but honestly Chapman did it better, and she’s not doing anything new with the song either. She adds some growl belt in at the end, which is cool, but overall BORE. Randy says this is what the show’s about! Meh. Ellen needs new adjectives, cuz “dirty” and “gristly” and “smell like last week” are overused. Skara says she can hear the record OrganiJop would make. Simon thinks she will be def be here next week and she’s the one to beat. I think she’s talented, but it’s the same ass thing every week. I want tap dancing! Or caps. Or something.

Mallory put gum on my pillow. MOOOOOM!

Tina Youthers is next with “I Fall to Pieces”, and at the start it seems like she’s gonna. She’s off key and squealy and she’s playing a baby guitar. She misses her high notes and her low notes. Her belt is good, but then it’s back to flatsville. She, DoDo, and Gayken all seem to be channeling the same little girl voice, which is apparently hit or miss. That sucked, and she’s usually good. Randy sounds like he’s about to diss her, but then says he loved it. Ellen loved it, Skara says she made Patsy Cline current, and Simon calls her brave for choosing such a big song on such a big night cuz she didn’t have the wow factor and she might be gone. Finally, some sense.

I don’t know what happened tonight! The weakest rose to the top and the strongest failed. Well, except for Paige. She’s blown the whole time. What do you guys think about all this? Am I just too jaded to get the appeal of OrganiJoplin? I would like to take this moment to thank FOX and Jesus for making tonight only an hour long. Mama’s got some Lost on the DVR!! LOVE