American Idol: Inspiration. Feelings. Really, Really Bad Singing.

Tonight’s all about inspiration cuz of starving kids in Africa or something. Hopefully after she watches this back on TV, Alicia Keys will be inspired to cut herself some bangs.

So before I even press play, I just wanna tell you guys I was just at a party for a pr chick and I asked her about the whole Crystal OrganiJoplin “Ryan betrayed me!” fiasco. She said it’s a bunch of lameness blown out of proportion for ratings, but she added that OrganiJ smokes like three packs of cigarettes a day and carries liter bottles of Coke around with her even though she has diabetes and everyone hates her cuz she’s a huge diva and a pain in the ass. LOL! I don’t know if any of you care about that or not, but I personally appreciate a woman who could die any moment carrying around smokes and liter bottles of cancer. Like “kill me. I dare you. I’m a staaaah! Do you know how much change I used to make on the street? One subway passenger told me I inspired her to keep on going! Ok so I accidentally blocked the exit and she couldn’t get off the train and had to keep going, but the point is she stayed. And I played a Janis Joplin song on my guitar. And no one bitched at me about stage presence so SUCK IT.”

I should have mentioned that I had a couple of martinis at this party. Consider yourself warned. I guess I should press Play now.

Hey Meg Whitman. I paid for a laptop bag two weeks ago on eBay and it never arrived. Suck my duck, skank! Go, Poisner!





Dr. Oz is making Richard Simmons look like a trained ballerina right now.

Tink comes on and tells us something about how it’s time we have to give back. Oh shit. Idol Gives Back. Is that tomorrow? Cuz that shit’s like two hours of starvation and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to take it. I’m gonna have to binge while I watch Annie Lennox sing over all those starving children. I will start Weight Watchers again on Thursday. That’s not for awhile though. For now, let’s just worry about the issue at hand. OrganiJoplin’s hair. Are those chopsticks in there?

Soak that hair. In Off.

Do you guys ever feel like losers? You’re down. You’re out. You’ve been publicly humiliated. The world hates you. Well, here’s a picture to make you all feel better.

Paige is selling incense during commercial breaks.

Let’s say hi to the judges! I’m sure Randy is wearing something hideous, but all I see are diamonds. He’s turned into Blair Underwood right before my very eyes.

Ellen’s in a cream suit, and Skara and Simon are both in black vests. I don’t know why, but I hope they do some magic tricks or buss some tables. Simon has a big boob line peeking out over the top of his dirty undershirt. I don’t care how frugal you are. Get your implants from a doctor who knows what he’s doing.

The audience screams for Simon and he rolls his eyes at them. Good news! There are still tickets left for Idol Gives Back! I’ll wait for the shock to pass. Ready? Let’s say hi to the Top 7! Again! Today’s mentor has made a tremendous impact on children all over the world. Uh oh. It’s gonna be a Bishop. No! It’s Alicia Keys!! OK I have to admit right now that I LOVE me some Alicia. I have all her albums. Even the unplugged one, where she sounds like she’s got laryngitis, nodes, and no musical training. She sings Wild Horses on that one and it sounds like one’s stampeding her throat the whole time. Still, she can write, play and sing. So if you do one of those things kinda not so well, at least you’ve got all those other talents to back you up. Plus, she’s real perty. Sure enough, the first clip they play of Alicia is “go on, go on, go oooooooooon” and she’s gravelly and off key. And that’s in the recording. Her throat looks like it’s trying to escape her neck.

Save me! This woman is a torturer!

She gets to the rehearsal to meet the contestants and Green Mile smothers her. Poor thing looks like a little chicken wing.

You better pray a waiter doesn’t bring in a side of bleu cheese dressing or you’re a dead woman walking.

Alicia isn’t about musical perfection. She’s about FEELING. When you truly feel things, you understand life, love, and premature balding.

Alicia is also a hero to kids dying of AIDS. AW. I can’t make fun of her now. And then I see her pants. How bored is Tim Helmut Lame right now?

Ugh. Kids with AIDS. My hair is eating my face and no one cares. Maybe if I was in Africa or something. This isn’t FUUUUUN!

Tonight is all about inspiration. Like Wind Beneath My Wings. Or I Believe. Or I Like Big Butts. Casey Prettiness is singing “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac. Alicia wants him to like really like connect with it. Prettiness says that his goal is to really connect and feel it. UGH. Too much about feelings. Just don’t suck, k?

When he begins, he’s already feeling things.

He does a carbon copy version of the original and looks real pretty while he does it. His voice sounds good, but this is just a cheap thoughtless version of a song that should have died the second it was used as Bill Clinton’s campaign theme. Don’t stop thinkin about tomorrow, cuz right now I’m spooging on an intern.

Prettiness seems like he could be so good, he’s just such a bore. Randy agrees. It’s the same ole same ole every week. Ellen liked the guitar, but thinks that no one will be remembering it tomorrow and he needs to make an effort to be great. Skara though he was good in “Jealous Guy” and she’s right, but that was one performance out of how many? She didn’t like tonight. Simon said it was emotionless and lacked originality. The audience boos him and he says he’s not the one they should boo. Prettiness had fuuuuun! He looks a little shellshocked, though.

One more ounce of makeup and you’re gonna actually turn into Miley Cyrus.

Lee’s next. He’s really been working on that whole smiling more thing.

Tink asks him how he’s been since MexiGokey left. He’s traumatized. He will be singing “The Boxer” cuz it got him to play the guitar. He’s twitching his fingers cuz that’s where he puts all his freakout energy. The director guy is so obsessed with that twitch that they forget to switch over to the tape of Alicia’s session. Get that twitch off my screen, please! Alicia makes him speak the words. “You ah dat fightuh!” LOL Alicia Keys. Does she really talk like that? Does anyone really talk like that? She tells him that he needs to feel it. Wow. She’s really stretching with her advice today. At least tell him to get rid of the Little Orphan Annie Wig. I can’t stand Annie being defiled by a goatee and soul patch. She deserve bettuh (as Alicia would say).

I think I’m gonna like it here!

Lee is all over the place is in the first section. Off key and growl raspy. The “mouth of mumbles” lyric has never hit home like that. He doesn’t get any better as the song goes on. He takes a peaceful lovely song and makes it pure pain. Ouch. He does look like he’s feeling it, though. He should go back to being numb. That was terrible.

Randy says he’s Lee’s biggest fan because he’s a true artist. Ellen loves his soul and thinks he gets better and better. ?? Skara thinks this was his big moment! Poor thing is that just trying to cover up her pink eye.

Stop messing around with children, Skara.

Simon says it was the best of the night and he was better than Pretty cuz he was sincere and emotional. Um…you guys I have no idea what’s going on tonight. And it’s not just cuz I’m not completely sober. WTF? That was off the rails! Well, what are they supposed to do? The judges can’t just say “we made a huge mistake this season so sorry” after every song.

This lady found a dog on her iPhone, found a vet, found a dog park, watched the dog on her webcam, and when she saw it peeing on her new Ikea couch she found a place to have the mutt turned into biscuits. Aw, iPhone.

Why can’t I get a date? I shall ponder that as I eat this eighty grams of fat.

Sully Sullenberger is here! He had another day of not crashing a plane, so yay! He’s getting a little media whorey. He’s wearing Alicia Keys’ hairline. Robber!

Helmut Lame is singing GooGoo Dolls. Alicia thinks that he’s not feeling it enough. I’m shocked. She’s as one note as her songs. Tim sounds on key and kinda good…at first. Then he bums a note but the violins are awesome and he kinda picks it up and then drops it again. No matter how much better he gets week to week, which he def does, he’s just not a very good singer. And how come even the violinist has to wear wigs and get plastic surgery until she can’t move? Damn you, Los Angeles!

Hey weren’t you on Benny Hill?

Sonhe can’t sing. But Kris Allen won so maybe if he just makes enough sideways faces he can too.

He sings about finding better days, and it fills me with inspiration. To start taping X Factor as soon as I can. That was one of his best, and still half off key and all bad. Randy thinks it was just ok karaoke, which is hypocritical considering Lee just did the same thing even more off key than Lame. Ellen thinks Lame is like the soup of the day. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it tastes like three day old peepee. Today was peepee. Skara thinks the execution blew, and Simon says it wasn’t bad but he’s not believable. He gives it a solid meh. Well, you made them feel something! Regret. But hey it’s something! Tim talks about how happy he always is and then Tink falls asleep on his feet and tries out some new Dunkleman jokes.

FUUUUN!

Little Chicken is next with “I Believe I Can Fly” by R Kelly, which he’s been signing since he was five and peeing on little girls seemed normal. Next to him, the petit Alicia looks like Mo’Nique.

Thank you for not singing politics.

His voice sounds beautiful in rehearsal, which means he will bone it onstage. Alicia says that he should feel it. LOL. She wants him to cry by the end of the song, but she won’t be there to flash pics of vaginas at him so good luck with that. He starts out really strong and even looks fairly comfortable, for him. He gets a bit shaky in the middle towards the belt section cuz he knows the big notes are coming. Key change! The song goes into pure cheese mode and he shakes like a magic bullet. He hits the note, though! God bless him. Best vocal so far, but cheesiest performance, too. His family is simply electrified.

Randy says the arrangement was cheese but he did a good job with a giant song. Ellen that there was a brief time in the 70′s when she though he could fly, and if he takes enough drugs he might fly too. Skara thinks he flew! Simon says he likes Little and gives him credit for taking on the song but says if he heard it on the radio he would have turned it off and his fave part was the end. Little Chicken says the first time he sang that was at preschool graduation. I am going to take a moment and bang my head against something for a bit. BRB.

Sio’s next with “When You Believe”. Damn. That’s called balls right there, sister. It’s also called the funniest sing off in the Oscars’ history. I think this is when Whitney decided “fuck this I’m doing crack.” It was more awkward that Christina Ricci’s patter. Mariah wasn’t about to take crap off Whit.

Alicia tells Sio to milk the money note, which is hilarious cuz you know Sio doesn’t need that advice. She’s the first contestant who wasn’t told to feel it. She’s also the first contestant to wear the destroyed set of Avatar as an outfit.

She’s over emoting at first like a kid trying to cry to prove she’s too sick to go to school.

But a bird flew into my head and a poisonous butterfly bit me! WAAAH!

She does the song as written, but relies more heavily on her head voice than normal. When she moves into her belt it’s a bit out of control. Ouch. I thought she would kill on this, but she just killed my hope that she’d win. Her last note is very pretty though. The judges are gonna chew her a new cornhole over this one. That was one of her worst.

Randy says that she shouldn’t have picked a song that went up against both Mariah and Whitney and it was just ok. Ellen liked it. Skara thinks it was well sung but too over dramatic and she wants to hang with Sio more than buy her record. Simon thinks the song was wrong and old fashioned and the leaves on her clothes were distracting. LOL. Sio tells Tink that she didn’t want to be scared of Mariah and Whitney even though America is now and she’s grateful to sing a song she loves on TV. Her meaningful answers are good, but OLD. Just stop singing shit songs lady! She should just get a Ford for coming up with new innocent ways to tell the judges to suck her dick every week.

Yeah. Too much salt is the problem with this meal. Otherwise it’s totes healthy. Don’t worry, though, the government’s gonna totally help by outlawing salt or taxing the shit out of it or something! Thanks, news!

Green Mile’s next. He looks like the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

He tells Tink that he came to Idol with a huge list of songs. Some might call that cheating, some might call it smart, some might call it a plan to publicly jerk off to every good song ever written. This song is to inspire us all to step up and be heroes in our every day life. The song is Hero. From Spiderman, says Wikipedia. HAHAH. Oh no. Alicia likes it but he wants people to feel it. Green Mile wants the song to take flight. Unfortunately it will have to buy three seats first.

He is playing guitar tonight. “I’m so high I can hear heaven”. Me too! This song is different than what he usually does. It sounds like it was actually written instead of being made up on the spot. Doesn’t work for him. He sounds nasally, which I’ve never noticed as a problem before. His big belt note at the end was awesome, but then he had to ruin it by licking himself. Ick. This guy just grosses me out. And that song blew ass.

And….sperm.

Randy was worried at first but he held his own. Ellen thought it was great, Skara didn’t and says his tone was wrong and it was all over the place. Simon thought it was sung well but the song was about Spiderman. LOLOLOLLLLLLLL. I love Simon. He says it was artificial and didn’t work.

OrganiJoplin won’t be using an instrument tonight! Call the newspapers! Will she still hackily growl her song out just like every other song she’s ever sung? I suspect yes, but I don’t know yet. I just want a liter of Coke. She’s singing “People Get Ready” and Alicia says OrganiJ is one of her faves cuz he can feel it! Organi looks like she stole one of the flower pots behind her and wore it. Seriously girl, stop with the sticky fingers! You’re rich now!

I peed on it so it’s mine.

OrganiJ starts a cappella and sings about how you can board a train without a ticket. LOL. Well you can but some of us are afraid of jail. This is a gospel song all about trusting the Lord and stuff. Nothing wrong with that inherently, but I feel super insecure in church cuz I don’t want to have to give anyone my money so this song is rubbing me the wrong wait. She blows a couple notes in her belt section, and then again at the end but she tries to pass it off as a breakdown. Only one problem. NO TEARS. It’s the new coughing!

coughbullshitcough

I’m not buying that for a second, and that was her worst performance of the season. If you’re gonna bone it, do it like a man and take the fall. To lie so blatantly when you’re singing about the Lord is just wrong. Randy says it was unbelievable. No shit. Then he stands. Ellen says OrganiJ looks more beautiful by the day. Cleave. Maybe after a couple of seasons she’ll look presentable enough to walk a sidewalk without getting nickels thrown at her head.

She used her mic stand from home, which is like a thrift store lamp or something. Oy. Skara says that she schooled the other contestants, and Simon says that it was inspirational and she killed it and it was in a different class than everything else tonight. Tink asks why the song was so emotional, and she says it’s cuz DoDo’s friend died.

The video cut out early so if anything else happened I didn’t see it. My night ended with Kate Gosselin crying though, so I’m feeling pretty good about things. Most inspirational thing I’ve seen all night.

Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re pregnant.