American Idol: Idol Gives Back

Tonight, American Idol Gives Back! To poor people in Africa, who never really gave American Idol anything. So they’re not really giving back, they’re just giving. Actually no they’re not. You are. Or probably not cuz you’re a cheap little jerk. Actually, I don’t know WTF is going on tonight, so let’s just watch it together and make fun of it.

Posh, at least act like you’re not afraid of poor people.

Sea World is doing this huge promo about a Spanish Music show. The commercials play every break. It takes place on Shamu stage, which is just plain awkward. I guess they’re pandering to the Mexicans because they might not have heard about Shamu eating that trainer a couple of months ago on Telemundo.

Play your music all you want. But if you eat fish tacos be sure to wash your hands before you get on that stage.

Guys, Idol Gives Back is all about feeding starving kids right? Then why is their logo an homage to Pillsbury? Whoever designed this should be frosted and baked and served to me.

Hungry yet? Let’s go to Africa!

We open in complete silence, cuz this is a very special episode. Let’s say hi to Obama and Michelle! Obama reads that prompter like a pro. Is he getting whiter? The presidency is like skin bleach. Michelle looks like a slouchy pro wrestler.

Keep it klassy, you two.

Politicians are so full of shit. I don’t care what side of the aisle you’re on. The government needs to deliver my mail, put out a fire in my house if one ever starts, and arrest bad guys. Otherwise, gtfo of my face, k? I’ll reserve my specific judgement on these two until I get my tax return. If I get less back than I did under Bush then I’m writing Lucille Ball into every ballot I ever get ahold of.

Tink comes out and starts guilt tripping us. They should have tried to raise this money before the iPad came out. Sorry, but I’m saving up for that shit. Sorry, Africa! Tink says that he understands that America’s having some tough financial times, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still save lives! No, it just means we’re less inclined to. How bout you and the four judges fork over ten percent of your yearly earnings and we can put this bitch to bed early?

Randy’s not in a stupid sweater today. Well, he is, but it’s covered by a black jacket. Cuz this is meaningful and all. Still, he’s able to find the strength to flash the hundreds of thousands of dollars on his wrist.

Do you know how many sacks of grains that thing would buy?

Ellen’s also in black, but she’s nixed the expensive jewelry and gone for a hobo tie. I can’t wait for her to realize Africa isn’t filled with hobos.

Skara has wrapped herself in tinfoil. She’s probably trying to bake out that pink eye.

Even Simon’s dressed up. He looks…flat chested.

Either show us your tits or go home.

This show has been brought to us by the very people profiting off of our watching it. Isn’t that sweet?

I’m on AT&T, I’m drinking a Diet Coke, and I filled up my car at an Exxon this week. So look! I’ve helped! YAY ME I’M A GOOD PEEERSOOON!

Queen Latifah is hosting over at the Pasadena theater, and she looks like a seal that got shot.

You guys know that black jackets are for funerals, right? It just seems like a bad idea to mourn living children. No joke in there, just an observation. Thank you for your time.

Queen announces the lineup for the night, and Tink black talks back to her bout how ready we is. So wrong. Africans aren’t the only ones getting favors tonight. We will be less one shit singer! I love that they’re kicking someone to the curb on charity night. It’s like being broken up with on Christmas over text. The loser will be shipped to Africa in a to go box with a side of mustard. I hope it’s Green Mile. His love handles could feed that continent for a year.

The top 12 get to sing a cheese ass number for us. Crystal OrganiJoplin limps on in a pregnant ghost dress.

The three part harmony that opens the song is beautiful. I wonder how long it took the sound engineer to pitch Lee and Helmut Lame’s tracks. The sound guy is the most under appreciated cast member of all seasons combined.

This sounds like an M&M commercial. Lacey has been so depressed since getting the boot that she’s let her bush grow out.

Sio didn’t, though. We would definitely know if she had. In that dress, at least.

If ever there was a time to whip out cupcake tights, it’s now.

At the end of the song, OrganiJoplin gets a big waily solo section. Pimp! It looks like Sio got one too, but her voice is mixed all the way down so you can’t hear it. LOL, sound engineer. He’s sick of her bs stories, too.

And now, let’s welcome Jennifer Garner! She’s already given the world enough by getting Ben out of our faces a few nights a week. She deserves a rest. She’s traveling to Breathitt County, Kentucky. I’ll chip in for a new town name, cuz that one doesn’t make any of us look good to the international audience. Jen tells us that she lived in a town not too far from Breathitt. They used to laugh at the hillbillies there but secretly snuck in when they needed cheap beer or maids. Jen says this feels like home, but way trashier. It’s so poor that kids don’t have books to read. They can’t read, which seems in my mind to work out just fine. Can they point and grunt? Then let’s please move on to Africa now.

Jen goes to visit a family of six that lives in a tiny trailer with trash heaped outside.

Glad you guys spruced up the place for me.

Jen enters the trailer and suddenly has a southern accent. Let’s just forget how offensive that is for a moment and just hope she brought a box of condoms with her.

It gets real cold here, so we either use kerosene or the oven for warmth. Or just fuck. I’m much warmer pregnant.

Jen is telling us about a foundation that helps these poor families by getting them books and puzzles for the kids. She offers some cold hard cash for one of the daughters to marry her moron husband and get his terrible actor ass off her hands.

Oh hayell no!

Jen helps the family and tells us how good Save the Children is. Jen tries to cry, but pulls an OrganiJ and can’t squeeze out any tears. Save the Children is a legit, successful, and very helpful program. If you want to donate, follow this link and avoid getting Simon a cut of it.

I don’t know who came up with this idea, but sending Posh spice to hang out with poor people is BRILLIANT.

Don’t touch me.

Yes, miss!

Tink looks at the poor kid’s fauxhawk unamused. Posh choppily reads her cue card. I don’t know what she’s saying. Speak English! The poor kids talk about how they didn’t read too good but now they does. Well, you’re speaking as well as Posh so that’s…something. Posh scoots away from the kids and smooths her hair and…commercial. This show makes me feel horrible. So horrible that I had to order a pizza.

Captain Sully Sullenberger comes out to tell us that poor people never get the chance to not crash planes. AW! He’s a pair of glasses away from hawking fried chicken.

It’s like regular AIDS, only more off key.

Jonah Hill and Russell Brand called Tink up personally “and absolutely insisted” that they get to run a phone bank. Riight. Maybe you can repay them with a shower.

Tink’s about to be a Twinkie.

Russel jokes about Tink’s tanning. LOL. What celeb friends did they bring? Russell points to offscreen celebs but doesn’t know anyone’s name. HAHAHA. So they brought no one. In their defense, it’s hard to get a bunch of ratings obsessed whores into the studio on a season that’s getting beat by Dancing with the Stars.

Sinking ship.

Jonah makes a Viagra joke, which is sadder than the empty phone bank. Tink talks to the contestants, but no one can muster up any personality for him. Tink asks why Lee always looks like he’s gonna cry. Lee, embarrassed, says if he has to answer one more question about faux finishing he’s checking himself into a hospital. Now let’s welcome the Black Eyed Peas. Music has no age, but pophiphop should. Fergie looks like she’s clinging to the side of the thirties truck as desperately as possible. Guys. You’ve done what you set out to do. Relax. Have some jello. Or at least write some music that’s a little more appropriate.

This song is called “I have to pee every five minutes and I wake up at 6 AM whether I like it or not.” See? Was that so hard?

Fergie stomps all over the stage as some guy sings off key. She’s swishing her cape thing super hard, just so we believe it. Fergie has that song about how people on the internet can kiss her ass cuz we’re evil and mean and are just fat bastards hiding behind a computer. I would love to argue with that, but I can’t stop waiting to see if she’ll fall over from exhaustion.

Way to stack the deck with bloated dancers, Ferg! That’s my girl!

All meanness aside, Fergie really keeps herself in good shape. She looks fabulous. She still raps like a sheet of matza, but thankfully Lou Diamond Phillips is here to say the day. And by save the day, I mean scare us into not hearing the rest of the song.

La Bamba Zombie

Fergie sings, to prove that she can do worse than rapping. Thank God there are like five singers in this group, cuz they need to breath after every line. They sound exhausted. It’s really obvious when the auto tune jumps in. Poor Will sounds like he’s hyperventilating. Collectively, they sound like me trying to make it up a flight of stairs. Why am I still typing? End this damn song already! It’s like their entire two disc album. LOOOONG AND POOOINTLESS. Can we donate Fergie to Africa? Or send her to Kentucky. They’ll feel like good readers.

Queen Latifah says “Idols Give Back” has cut malaria in Africa in half. Then Tink takes over so someone can tell her the title of the show and make her repeat it until she gets it right. Tink went to Kenya, and this lady hated his ass on site.

A mosquito! Kill it!

Tink tells us about malaria. A child dies every thirty seconds of it. Damn. This is so sad. I don’t think there’s much to make fun of here. We are introduced to an expectant mom with malaria, and get lots of closeups of her dying. God. Then we are told that she and the baby died. JESUS! This is horrible. That poor hospital needs some cheering up. They should do results there.

Tink says that part of the auction was the chance to boot off an Idol. George Lopez gets to do it. LOL. He jumps up on stage and acts like George Lopez. He makes a Danny Gokey joke, so he can’t be all bad. Then he tells Tink that this job makes him so powerful that Tink must feel five feet tall on stage. HAHAHAHAHA. George lets the contestants sit back down and says it’s time someone judged the judges. He tells Randy that he overuses pitchy, and Skara is incapable of forming her own thoughts. HAHAHAH!!!!!! She looks totally amused.

That she didn’t jump up and rip off her dress is the biggest shock of the night so far.

The audience screams for that one, which is awesome. Randy is safe! George tells Skara to stop saying “make it your own” and “I’m disappointed” and “I wrote that song.” She’s also hot and posed nude so Karla’s safe. “Although no cute boy on the show is.” OK can George Lopez take Tink’s place when he gets sent to rehab? George says that Ellen is the Kourtney Kardashian of the group. No one gets it so he says she’s safe and moves on. I thought at first that was a dyke joke, but Khloe’s the burly one. This is gonna bug me all night.

George tells Simon to wear bigger shirts and asks “saline or silicone?” Ha. He’s out and has to go back to England, but the volcanic ash cloud has grounded all the flights so he can stay. Meh. I only liked when he was telling Skara off.

Just because there are people not reading and dying of malaria all over the world doesn’t mean we can’t picture ourselves in a really crappy car! Ford commercial time! This one has a despicable plot. First, Tim Helmut Lame does his first internet porn twink video and it doesn’t end well for him.

EW.

Then, Little Chicken slips in the gang bang aftermath.

He feels so comfortable in that position that he decides to change careers. He begins by cornholing the fourth floor of an apartment building.

Then Lee goes on a homophobic rampage and pushes a fruit cart over to get his point across.

Let’s waste as much food as possible on the episode dedicated to starving children.

Well that was offensive on so many levels I’m just gonna let it go and move on. Now it’s time for some results. Unfortunately, this doesn’t include any cheap shots at Skara. Boooo. I think OrganiJ’s dress should be voted off.

She and Prettiness are called to the stage. Skara still looks mad and Simon is looking into the camera and telling us all to go fuck ourselves.

Hey we didn’t make the implant joke!

Prettiness is in the bottom three! The audience is silent. Crystal’s safe. Little Chicken and Lee go to center stage. Lee’s safe and Chicken’s in the bottom! Wow. America’s voting has been kinda fair the past couple of weeks. WTF? Well done! Now that we’ve depressed some pasty off key singers, let’s go back to Pasadena with Joss Stone and Pete Beck performing “I Put a Spell on You.” Jeff Beck looks like Fergie in five years.

Joss starts off in the basement, which she can’t really handle very well. Thankfully, she moves into her growl shout quickly. Joss can sing her face off, and she does tonight. She’s a skinny, young white girl with a blessed life. Thankfully, no one’s let her in on that fact. She screams it, feels it, and growl sings to perfection. Learn a lesson here, Lee and Sio! She sings about how in love she is directly to Beck and it’s a super creepy picture.

Can I sit on your lap?

Joss has really matured vocally. Her chords have turned into sandpaper and while she still riffs a lot, it’s not the entire song. Well done, lady! Suddenly, David Duchovney pops up on the screen and says “Underwear, socks, and soap.” Jeeze. They’re already announcing Crystal again? No wait. It’s a segment about things your mom gives you. The stars all got clothes, kisses and hugs. Kids in Africa? Don’t. Call now! And now, let’s welcome Dr. Pierre Chang from Lost!

Welcome to the hatch, bitches!

Did you guys know that besides helping Haiti and Africa, the United Nations is stopping global warming? LOL! What a racket. Morgan Freeman comes on to talk about how today’s generation is graduating in fewer numbers than ever. In other words, today’s kids are fucking morons. Um, are we gonna feed people or smarten them up? There’s only so much you can do with one results show you guys. Let’s go with Morgan and Randy to Mississippi.

They visit a family benefitting from Save the Children. The oldest son was doused with gasoline and burned up right in front of his mom. That led to bad grades. Then he learned to read or something. Now we’re meeting a lady telling us about how being fat makes you dumb, so we should give money so people can lose weight too. Jesus! I thought not having money was the best way to lose weight. Ok so now we’re fighting illiteracy, malaria, starvation, and obesity all at the same time. These causes are all gonna get like five dollars. When they’re done, Morgan offers Skara a ride and she gets all offended.

Let’s welcome Alicia Keys with NY State of Mind! I’m all for child bearing hips, but this is just not flattering.

The thing I love most is that Alicia writes songs with notes that she can’t hit. It’s like publicly flogging herself. She starts off strong, but then the high notes come and she’s off key and screechy. To make up for it, she starts doing some kind of arm dance. Like a one person octopus. A track comes in to help her halfway though the song. You can tell cuz the off key voice hits the on key recorded voice like a dissonant harmony. The vocals deteriorate pretty fast, but the silk pajamas and arm dance made it worth it.

She switches into NY State of Mind. Oh no. It’s the one behind the piano instead of the hip hop one. It’s about how NY is mean, dirty, and there are crack heads everywhere but it’s still inspiring. Her voice tanks on this one. It’s painful to listen to, and this is one of my favorite songs. I don’t have anything to add, but I wish I could add a pair of Spanx. She bones her last note hard. But you know what? SHE FELT IT. So did anyone with ears.

In addition to all the other charities featured tonight, we’re also supposed to support testing on lab mice.

Let’s check in with Jonah and Russell again! They’re still dirty. They got some celeb impersonators. HAHA. Well, Idol had to do something. We’re an hour and fifteen minutes in and there have been three performances. I blame Haiti fatigue.

Russell Brand is dirtier looking than Slash. That stage must have some serious flies right about now.

Jonah says he’s with American Idol alum Clay Aiken.

Clay wishes.

It’s Tatiana!! She hams it up as much as possible, even without any lines. And Octomom is here! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Man, American Idol. This is just sad.

Russell thinks he has a chance of banging her. Which he does. Jim Carrey’s here for real! Meh. He is horrified at the shitty stars and runs off, which gets as many laughs as his three last movies combined. None.

Next up is a song called Change. OrganiJoblin whips out a baseball hat and gets in position to catch. Carrie Underwood’s here! She looks gorgeous. Like Betty from Mad Men. You know, when Simon said back in her season that she would become the biggest Idol and outsell everyone I thought he was full of it. She had the personality of driftwood. I was so wrong. I LOVE HER! And she has learned to FEEL IT without Alicia Keys. She’s pitch perfect and even has a decent song. It’s weird typing so many nice things about a contestant on this show. Let’s move on.

OK so the song is kinda cheesy now that I’m listening to it. The lyrics are about how when you see a commercial with starving kids wearing flies on their faces you should give them money and not be lazy. The chorus is good though and it’s nice to have vindication. We complain about how much this season sucks, and this is why. It’s actually produced decent talent before. Get it together, Idol! Carrie talks and she’s back to driftwood, but it was fun while it lasted.

Ellen joins Tink on stage. She went to Pasadena with David Arquette. Huh? Sad music plays as we are shown Pasadena, which is far from poor.

I think there’s a GAP right there.

David tells us that there are even poor people in non poor places cuz rich people need clean houses and trimmed lawns. He asks us to give canned foods and job leads so he can stop being Cox’ second fiddle. Ellen is surprised how many poor people are in America. We meet a family. The dad is a teacher but still can’t support his kids. I’m sorry to be cruel here, but their house is damn nice. Is that a suede couch? Fuck this! This couple, however, does look like they’re starving.

Hey Food Bank, sometimes you just gotta say NO.

I get starving kids and malaria, but fat fucking couples in Pasadena get no pity from me. Idol needs to Give a Walk Around the Block. Elliot is back with Sister Dominguez and some super cheezy indoor glasses!

Uhoh. Tink says the show’s going late. I can guarantee that my DVR didn’t. Tink sat down with Bill Gates and his wife to talk about all the work they do for poor people. How come they chose the Global Health Fund? Cuz healthcare is important. Tink asks what if he wasn’t a multimillionaire and couldn’t afford healthcare himself? Why should he give? The wife says he needs to stop being a selfish cunt and think about poorness. Then she wipes her nose with a hundred dollar bill and puts her foot up on a poor kid who’s acting as her ottoman. If you don’t feel disturbed yet, you haven’t pictured these two having sex.

Wanda Sykes in da house! Now that woman understands Spanx. I hope she met up with Alicia in the back.

She says she’s glad the season got better cuz Simon looked bored at the beginning of the season and just played with his nipples. HAHA. She credits American Idol for staying mean on charity night and does a bit about how the kids have to sing right after their dreams are crushed. “Remind America why they didn’t vote for you!” HAHAH I love her. She brings up the Green Mile save and says the judges used it cuz they were scared Green Mile would murder them. Then she’s gone. That was weird. And awesome. More results!

Sio, Green Mile and Helmut Lame go to center stage. Sio’s safe! Green Mile’s bigger than ever! And safe! Helmut’s in the bottom! Now let’s welcome David Cook! I suppose we’re supposed to donate to Downs kids too.

Cook went to Ethiopia and says it was so different than he thought it would be. The people are nice and hopeful, instead of evil and depressed like in all those Sally Struthers ads. Girls escape because they are being sold and married off when they’re five. Jeeze that’s horrendous. Cook goes to a girls school and is so charmed by the kids that he buys five wives. The school helps a lot of people, but they can’t save the kids from a super screamy performance by Cook. Now they’re deaf too. Nice work, dude. Don’t you have anything nice and soft to sing? The kids are so cute and wave their hands in the air. Nice to see they brought the audience arm director along for the ride. Wouldn’t be Idol without fake arm swaying. Even in Ethiopia.

And now for a video of a kid trying to figure out how to put on a sweater. Don’t tell me. You’re from Pasadena.

Oh no. She takes off the sweater and she’s got AIDS. OH MY GOD. This show is fucking killing me. That poor thing! She’s been left alone because her mom died of the disease. Annie Lennox is there with her and says that the little girl smiles and never complains. What a sweetheart. Annie Lennox made her complain for the first time by putting her most recent CD on.

Do you have any Justin Bieber?

And now back to Pasadena with Annie! Wait. No. She’s stuck in London cuz of volcanic ash. So let’s go back to Africa. No! Please! I can’t take it!! WAIT! YES I CAN!! The little girl got the right drugs and look at her!

Did you bring that Bieber CD or not, skank?

So cute. Is it weird that I’m kinda crying? I hate this show. And I love it so much. Now for a video of Annie singing about climbing mountains or something.

Seriously. Why doesn’t anyone ask me out?

Annie’s song keeps me squirting out salties, and I feel like a total sucker. She sings it beautifully, and the montage of kid pictures is heartbreaking. And there are only five minutes left, so how the hell am I supposed to see Elton and the elimination?!?!? Randy Jackson onstage for Stairway to Heaven with Mary J? Oh lord please don’t cut this off. Mary J looks insane, and she sings like a mofo.

Bowl of scaries.

Mary kills this song, especially when it pumps up. I hope OrganiJ and Lee are watching. This is how to rock your shit out! Great place to cut off. I missed a lot of this, no? In the am, I will see if I can find the rest online somewhere and recap it. Or you could just recap it for me in the comments section. You owe me one! Best mini cap of the end wins a swag bag. Sorry you guys. I read online that Helmut Lame was ousted, which seems fair. I was kinda hoping he’d stay, though, just to see Simon really mad. I thought this was the saddest Idol Gives Back showing in a long time, but Carrie and Mary J made it worth it to me. With the contestants we’ve endured this year and the hack ass “talent” brought in for results nights, it’s good to watch and actually be, you know, entertained by people who know wtf they’re doing.

Love you guys. Thanks for being here. Now get to recapping.