American Idol Music Special: Don’t Judge Me Edition

By Umnata

Because of my extreme dedication to TVgasm and American Idol, I downloaded the entire American Idol – Season 5 – The Encores CD off iTunes, to let you know what is good, bad & ugly. What’s that? No, B-side didn’t ask me to do this! No, it’s not part of what I normally write for the site! Please see title above: Don’t Judge Me!!! I’m trying to help you out here, people! I’m trying to save you precious minutes of your life, as well as the $9.99 it will cost you to download the album off iTunes. I’m defensive because I’m a nerd. To help gauge just how bad some of these are, I’ve created the Ryan Seacrest scale of Cheesiness, ranging from 1 – 10. If something is a 10 make sure you take some Lactaid before even listening to it.

1) “What About Love?” – Melissa McGhee

Poor Melissa. Her first time on screen was at the Top 24, giving her a major disadvantage over the other contestants. She was the first AI finalist to be booted off the show after she forgot the words to Stevie Wonder’s “Lately,” and she gets my vote for the person who was probably most susceptible to Ace Young’s post-elimination seduction (Besides Ryan Seacrest, of course). All that being said, I was a pretty big Melissa McGhee fan and rooted for her over Ayla Brown only after she pulled out this Heart number during the last round of the Top 24. The “magic” that existed, by all accounts in my mind alone, doesn’t necessarily translate well onto CD. Melissa sounds just fine, good even, but come on, she’s no Ann Wilson. And if she’s not going to do anything different with the song (like Carrie Underwood’s season 4 version of Alone – chills), then this is just really good karaoke. Which, Melissa my dear, is a lot better than really bad karaoke.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 8

2) “Superstition” – Bucky Covington

The First sign of the Apocolypse?

You knew you were going to have to hear from Bucky Covington at least one more time, and at least now you don’t have to see him. It’s shocking, but Bucky actually equips himself favorably on the country-rock version of the Stevie Wonder classic. This coming from someone who fast forwarded through 95% of his performances. His voice is actually a lot better when you don’t have to look at him or watch him swirl his microphone in his hand. Of the American Idol losers he surprises the most.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 6

3) “I’m Every Woman” – Mandisa

I never fully jumped on the Mandisa bandwagon, but you’ve got to be deaf not to acknowledge the fact that she’s got a massive set of… pipes. What did you think I was going to say? I hate this song, probably because I’m not every woman, and I didn’t freak out when she sang it the first time in round three of the Top 24. Here it’s actually quite worse. Her voice is strong (on recording they can remove those bum and sharp notes she used to hit quite often), but the production is pure cheese. Unfortunately for Mandisa, I don’t know how far she’s going to go now that she’s announced that she’s not a big fan of the gays (and it was no coincidence that this little tidbit led to her immediate ousting on the show), which is a shame because you can almost see how well this song would play at Vito Spatafore’s next house party.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 7

4) “Wanted Dead or Alive” – Chris Daughtry

Stop grabbing my ass Seacrest I just got voted off American F-ing Idol

I think this was one of Chris’s worst performances on the show. It’s also one of my least favorite Bon Jovi songs (which is like trying to pick my least favorite episode of Who’s the Boss, they’re all kind of bad – and they’re all kind of enjoyable). But you’ll be happy to note that this is even further proof that Chris was robbed of his rightful place in the Top 2 (damn you McPheever!). This probably won’t convert any Chris-haters out there, but for us umm, Chris-aholics (why didn’t Chris get a fun fan group name?), it’s further validation that he’s going to go someplace. Fuel might not be the best band in the world, but he rocks out on this song like he’s not the 4th runner-up on American Idol, but rather like the lead singer of… well, Fuel.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 1

(dude, I might be a fan, but this is still an American Idol CD)

5) “Father Figure” – Ace Young

Like a lot of the country, I was fooled after Ace sang this song in the first round of the Top 24 that he was going to be a real talent. Sadly, he peaked, not just in the competition, but I’m afraid in life, during that performance. I was hoping that he was going to recapture some of the magic here, but without him eye-raping the camera, it comes off just as bad as you might think it does. Plus, he sings “I’ll be your daddy”, and there just isn’t enough soap in the world to make you feel clean again afterwards.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 9

6) “Takin’ It to the Streets” – Taylor Hicks

AWW OLD PEOPLE ARE FUNNY!

I never jumped on board with the whole Soul Patrol nonsense, but this isn’t half bad. Again, if you don’t like Taylor, it’s a lot easier to enjoy this without having to actually see him. And again, he’s plagued by some bad production and cheesy backing music, but it’s alright. The only negative is that there is no way to listen to this without picturing Taylor doing the windmill dance that he busted out during his original performance. I guess depending on where you stand on the Soul Patrol, that’s either a negative or a positive.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 3

7) “Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours)” – Lisa Tucker

Does anyone even remember Lisa Tucker? You won’t after this cover of the Stevie Wonder classic. It’s so cheesy I actually can’t even listen to this without getting some wine and crackers. I don’t want to use the phrases “out of tune” and/or “pitchy” so I’m just going to make up my own terminology: strangling a dolphin. She’s strangling a dolphin. Side note to Lisa: Looooved you at the OC prom.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 10

8) “Walkin’ After Midnight” – Kellie Pickler

If you, like I, went back and forth loving and hating Piccolo (as my buddy Pat at work calls her), this version of Patsy Cline’s song isn’t going to help. It’s not bad enough to hate, but it’s not good enough to like. Damn you Piccolo! I actually think it will be better if we get to hear what happened after the recording session was over. “Hey, y’all, am I talking or singing right now? I can’t tell!!!”

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 6

9) “Moody’s Mood for Love” – Elliot Yamin

I’m a Yamin-iac, and I don’t care who knows it!

Preface: In the 5 years I’ve obsessively watched American Idol, I have never voted. Not even for Kelly Clarkson, who I am convinced I will one day meet and Tom Cruise her (drug her and make her my wife)… until Elliot Yamin. I don’t know what it was: The fact that he was deaf in one year? His dying-of-cancer-pride mother? His lifelong battle against diabetes? All those painfully accurate Alf comparisons (thanks a lot B-Side)? Nah, I like to think all those things helped, but really it was the fact that Simon was right in week one of the Top 24 – Elliot is the best male singer. Ever. “Moody’s Mood for Love” isn’t the most popular song (I wanted him to sing “If You Really Love Me”), and it comes off a little cheesy. But that voice? Pure gold. Especially for those people who couldn’t get passed those teeth (I admit it, I had a hard time myself).

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 3

10) “Think” – Katharine McPhee

McShocked

I had the McPheever, I admit it. But once I got infected with Yamin-itis, my McPheever broke, and I haven’t had a wiff of it since. She sounds good, and like Mandisa, her penchant for hitting bum notes (I’ll call them whale farts) is diminished here. Considering the amount of runs in this song, I guess we’re kind of blessed that she didn’t sing the entire song in that faux-Christina Aguilera thing she has going on sometimes. She definitely would have sounded better singing “Someone to Watch Over Me.” If you’re a fan, you’ll love it. If you’re on the fence, you won’t care. If you’re a hater, you’ll skip right over it. She has a nice voice and all, but I still say: Poor man’s Kelly Clarkson.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 6

11) Midnight Train to Georgia – Paris Bennett

Paris is the female version of Taylor for me. Sounds great, but she just annoys me so much, watching her drives me crazy. Without having to hear Paris’ squeaky voice and see her forced tears, it’s not hard to imagine a young Mary J. Blige while she’s singing. Which I don’t say lightly. Ever since Paris did that sing/talk interview with Ryan Seacrest, I thought it was lights out for the two of us.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 4

12) When I Fall in Love – Kevin Covais

Isn’t making fun of Kevin Covais kind of like kicking a handicapped person in the shins? Okay, he isn’t the greatest singer in the world. We all know it. He knows it. So I’ll just say that much like Kevin himself, this song is nice. Especially if you’re deaf. Hey, I never said I didn’t like kicking handicapped people.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 20