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Tonight on American Idol, Church Lady gets chopped to bits and Krispy Twink is almost raped before being saved by Bruce Willis.
Before we begin, I saw this clip posted on realityblurred and actually cried watching it. I am going to be nice to Simon cuz he so won me over on this one. I say get rid of the age limit and any restrictions of any kind and make this damn show about SINGING. Simon, never leave me.
On with the show!! Wait. Before we begin, is this a real show?
Cuz this is a show I could win.
Tink starts with something about the contestants dominating the small screen, but I can’t hear him cuz Hambert is kinda raping us all right now with his eyes. And his clean cuttedness. And his square cheekbone.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a square cheek before. Sleep on your back.
Tink stops at the end of the line before “THIS. Is American Idol!” He’s standing next to some wierd older dude with a plastic jacket. It’s Quentin Tarantino! WOWEEEEEEE! Wait. What the f does Quentin Tarantino know about music? Granted, the Kill Bill theme is my current ringer, but it’s mostly cuz I liked watching Uma beat dudes up and pop out Daryl Hannah’s eyeball. Maybe tonight’s theme is really killer phone ringers. Or old people who don’t know what they’re talking about.
Huh?
Hey! What ever happened to normal talkies? Now movies are all music and girls in bikinis and blood and guts and whodunnit? Who done what? I’m still lookin at boobies! WHAAAAA?!?!?!
Tink comes down the lit stares and points and winks at people in the audience, like it’s his birthday and he’s so glad they all came.
Doogie! Terri Hatcher! Well I never!
Tink intros the band, who is actually on stage tonight instead of on a 100 ft platform.
Could ya not make every song sound like a soundtrack to a seventies porno flick on the high seas? Thanks.
And now for the judges! The excellent! The congenial! The Big Momma’s House imitating yellow striped Randy Jackson!
“Somebody better tell me something, cause this show is some freaky shit.” Big Momma, 2000
And thank you to whoever told Randy about the perpendicular stripe/thinning rule. Now at least half of him looks trim. See how his left side looks fat and ungainly? Watch your stripes, people. Skara DeLaguardia is as shocked as usual to hear her name out loud, but this time there’s the added wtf of Tink’s use of the word “provocative” to describe her.
That was so offensive that I’m gonna make a sour old lady face.
Tink tries to find a way to describe the plastic mess Paula’s got around her neck, but he can’t come up with one cuz the teleprompter is giving him Obama’s comments about killing the pirates. Damn teleprompter! Is there only one of you in America? Paula just laughs and laughs. It’s all fun and games til someone pushes you in a pool. Even plastic diamonds can drown you, if there’s enough of them.
Excuse you, but I think that’s Hambert’s belt for the night. Now what’s he gonna do?
And Simon’s there too. And I love him. Butt cut and all. Simon apologizes to the viewers for the for the stupid girls over-talking last week and making the show run long. To remedy this, instead of finding a director who can actually, you know, direct, this week the judges will be talking in pairs. Yikes. I’m glad he’s sitting by Paula. It’s about time there was a “gorgeous” “hideous” “f-fu-fun-phenomenus” “cat poop” mash up. And now, for the Top 7! And the Soprano’s Silvio!
Have you ever imagined Fran Drescher as a pirate? Well there you have it.
Tink goes down the line of contestants and gives every one a piece of typed up teleprompter hackery. “Are we ready for a good one?” “We’re gettin close!” “The fight is on, right?” “It’s a hot one tonight!” “We gotta work it out, baby!” WTF? He’s like the Tim Gunn bobblehead I have on my desk. Whenever I want to cry, I press a button and Tim says “Don’t bore Nina!” “Make it work!” or “carry on!” His head is inexplicably made of plaster, so the first time I broke down and started sobbing and tried to hug him, his head went crashing to the floor. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but if you ever want to see Tim Gunn beheaded, come over! Or I can just give you these pics.
Before hug.
After hug.
And now for the part where Tink tries to explain wtf Quentin Tarantino is doing here. There’s a spoof of a movie preview. “In a world, of motion pictures! Quentin Tarantino had a hit five years ago! And he used music from 30-50 years ago! But no one recognized the songs! And he brought Uma Thurman back from the dead! And Foxy Brown, but she soon died again.”
Where’d you go, L Word?
We get a montage of Quentin’s movies, which I love. Hulleow? I mentioned Kill Bill is my ringer, right? Shots of Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and Kill Bill. ZZZZ….wait! A shot of him telling Diana DeGarmo she blew chunks back in Season Three. I’m a fan again!
You suck.
All the way to the final two, baldie!
Poor Diana DeGarmo can’t catch a break. Quentin’s currently shooting a World War 2 action movie in Berlin. It stars Brad Pitt. Man, Angelina and their twenty African children ate. His ass. Up.
Dude. Go back to Jen so we can all get boners again.
The contestants meet Quentin at a scoring stage, and he seems the most interested in Gums.
Can I borrow your half face hiding fedora? Cuz I’m starting to look like Janet Reno over here.
Right?
OK, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m pretty bald. But my hair thins like on the back of a Rogaine box. Quentin’s? I don’t know what’s happening there, but his part starts behind his ear. If you’re gonna get a wig, get it to cover at least 1/3 of your scalp. Why is this bothering me so much? I don’t know. Paula, Hambert and Little are doing fine with their wigs. It’s called sharing, people.
Cruelest male pattern baldness on record.
Quentin is in the audience tonight instead of on the judges’ panel, cuz Skara stole his spot. He promises to chime in whenever possible, and I believe him. This shit better not cut off early again, because I still refuse to record Lie To Me. Sorry, it’s not terrible, but I will never betray the Mentalist. And that tight ass from The Practice acting all sexy makes me uncomfortable. Quentin says he is going to direct them like they’re in a movie. Who else is crossing their fingers for a Church Lady eye gouging scene? The kids take a picture with Quent, and Krispy Kreme has gay stance and Hambert looks like he’s imitating Miss South Carolina.
And now, for the talent portion, I will be screaming like a breached newborn pooping out picante sauce.
The woman sitting next to Quentin has a picture of something, but I can’t tell what. A lost purse? A missing dog? I need to know what’s in this picture.
You tell me. I’m going with dog.
Cholaheta is up first with “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” from the movie Armageddon. LOL.
At first, Chola sings it for him, but she don’t SANG it for him. So he’s like “I know my hair is distracting but this time don’t sing to my bald triangle. Sing to the WORLD” and she’s like “OMG I’M A MOVIE STAR” and he’s like “totally. I’m sitting now. DELIVIER.” And she’s all “WAAAAAH” and he’s like “I’ve fixed you. Now you’re awesome and will own the planet. Do you know where I can find the two for 99 cent dish soap?” and she’s like “Dawn’s on aisle 2.”
Tonight she’s less Blair Witch, Wisconsin and more refined. Her outfit still probably retails for less than one of those Tootsie Roll piggy bank edition canisters, but she wears it well. A bedazzled sweater! Just when you thought you’d seen it all. The lights match her hair, which matches her belt, which matches her leggings. There’s something just not rock about matching leggings, but I can’t put my finger on it. Sing to me about getting eight Ramen noodles for a dollar, k? All 99 cent store jokes aside, she starts off soft, which is something she’s needed to do. Her beginning is low and rich and good to hear. The band kicks in after fifteen seconds, though, and I’m back to picturing terrorist puppets getting blown to bloody chips while Chola shouts on and on kinda not hitting the notes in some parts over the cheese karaoke track from the Bheimer days. She should have just kept it soft and felt it….or something. Who the f am I? Love her. By the end of the song I’m a fan of matching hair, belt and leggings. And cheap noodles.
Hey let’s make the theme of this number RED.
Chola’s mama is smiling and beaming, which is a really bad sign. She’s usually sobbing. This time she’s just like “that was sweet honey. Time to take ten.”
Cute. Now could someone please get George Lopez out of here? He’s making me uncomfortable.
Chola misses some big notes, but she hits some big ones too, and she’s generally not fake and gross, so I’m all for her. She’ll have her “Summertime” or “Over the Rainbow” moment, but it wasn’t tonight. Wait. Katie Couric! Glad to see she’s out having fun instead of … reading, when her show’s last in the ratings. Live it up, sista! You got a contract!
I’ve got a great Palin story. Remind me at the break.
The audience is going nuts, and Silvio and his wife? Girlfriend? get in a heated discussion about it.
If you don’t take out the trash the second we get home I’m hiding all your headscarves.
Paula basically says that Chola has the same “special sauce” as Hambert. I’m telling you. Wigs. That’s where it’s at. No no no. It’s authenticity!!
Please. Just speak English.
Paula says that she doesn’t care if Chola is 16 or (glaring at Simon) 60, she’s good! Wait! She just said Simon was sixty! That’s hilarious. She smiles, but that neckpiece drags her down. Her own QVC line of caca just turned on her ass.
H..help…
Simon says that Chola is the only hope the girls have right now. You know Little just started crying backstage. My, how they turn, eh? Katie Couric agrees.
OK someone tell George Lopez to stop staring at my nubs, please.
He thinks she could win this sucka. Her response is a hideous face pull. And then her chin starts sweating.
Next up, songs from Easy Rider and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. What random ass choices. If I were on this show I would just hum the opening theme from Soapdish and take that statue home. Anoop’s singing “Everything I Do, I Do it For You” by Bryan Adams. Quentin suggests he “rough it up”, and growls and yells as an example.
Uh yeah. Just like that.
Anoop can’t really do that. He tries, but ouch. Quentin just flaps his arms and growls more. Still, it’s kinda awesome that the first mentor of the season who doesn’t know much about singing is the one to give the most advice. Noop starts in a pink spotlight and I can’t hear him at first because his outfit has me so befuddled. What the hell? It’s like a letterman jacket sports coat hybrid thing. Is that a garter belt on his arm? The economy has killed the glam squad. Anyway, singing. He starts of softly and sounds great. The song sounds like it’s been given a valium. It drags and stumbles around and tries to grab onto a rail. Then the music kicks up a notch and Noop tries to do Quentin’s arm flap growl yell.
The best part is when he stops singing altogether and stands there to let us soak up his awesomeness. He seems to think this is sexy, but it’s just chinless and he needs to come up with a better pose.
That’s gonna be really rough to shave in about twenty years.
It’s tax day as I write this, so I like to think Anoop is emotionally singing about doing whatever it takes to get me a refund this year. That makes me really like this performance. His best yet by far, even if it was a littlezzzzzzzzzzzz. He’s Anoop, what do you expect? The audience is deeply shouting “Anoooooop! Anooooooop!” It sounds like boos. Or a field of cows on a thundery day. Randy says dude a lot and I guess he liked it. Skara liked that Anoop added his soul into it tonight. She calls it his best work yet and adds that she felt connected to him. I don’t like this pair judging. I want to hear Simon’s critique!! I’d like to think he would just roll his eyes and moooooooo. Now let’s take some time to examine this jacket.
Tink asks Anoop who that song was dedicated to and Anoop won’t say, but then says there’s no one. I think it’s his fat frat friend, cuz that guy is way too emotional to not be getting in at least a little drunken late night makeout action. And Anoop is wearing a rainbow tie.
Hambert’s singing “Born to be Wild”. LAME. Seriously? WHY? How can he go from kicking ass and taking names with something so different last week to “Born to be Wild”? Booooooo. Quentin says that if this is a competition looking for the next rock star, Ham would win. That’s not really what this is about. It’s finding the next pop star. Not that there’s much of a difference in 2009, but still. Ham isn’t really ready to show Quentin the whole thing, cuz he hadn’t decided what the song was going to be yet. Turns out all that thinking led to skipping, a popped collar, pelvic thrusts, and lots and lots of eye shadow.
This was the moment he could have pulled out some Cabaret, and he wussed out. If I had Liza’s number I would call to make sure she’s doing alright.
He’s back to being ridiculous. But he got the backup singers to headbang, which is hilarious.
His pelvic thrusts are pretty funny, and anyone who skips around stage on purpose has to get some credit. He squeals and screeches the whole thing. It reminds me of taking my sister’s newborn to the doctor to get a shot in her heel. What can you really say about this? Skip. Squeal. Eyeshadow. The end.
Paula is on her feet screaming and losing it. The audience is going nuts too, and they scream for awhile. Paula says he’s shaking up the competition by dancing in the path of greatness. LOL. What the fuck, woman? She says that fortune rewards the brave, and he’s the bravest contestant she’s ever seen. How is singing “Born to Be Wild” brave in any way shape or form? And besides, what he has isn’t bravery, it’s called being out of the closet. Simon jokes that Ham needs to learn how to express himself, and says that even though the vocal was good, it was like watching The Rocky Horror Show. LOL. Rrrrrrrocky! That’s so true. Ham just shrugs and says “I love that musical!” Simon thinks half the audience will love it and half will hate it. He doesn’t take into account the millions of “meh”s that that song generated. The audience is still going nuts and screeching. Don’t. Get it. Maybe it was the eye shadow.
Gums is next, and explains how he picks songs. He goes through his dueling piano set list and picks from there, duh. He’s doing “Have You Ever Loved A Woman?” and dedicates it to Hambert. Wow Bryan Adams is making out like a bandit tonight. Quentin doesn’t have much to say, so let’s get this show on the road. Gums is trying to grow in a mustache, but it only grows right under his nose. Hitler stache? Not cool, Gums. Not cool.
Jewish groups have already put a bulls-eye on your forehead.
He does a pretty straight up version of the song. His voice is beautiful and he hits his notes, but wow. This is really really snorrific. Towards the end he gets a bit screechy and off key and bones an out of breath riff, but decent overall. Decent and BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRINNG. Randy says he hit a rough patch in the bridge, riffed too much, and fell down more times than not. Skara whines that she doesn’t know who Gums is. Who aaaaare you? Are you rooooock? Are you bluuuuues? How could you dooooo this to meeeee?!?! Simon doesn’t even pretend to give a f what Skara’s saying.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAH
He makes bored faces while Skara talks and Paula turns her back to Skar and giggles with Simon. These two are so rude. And they’re the only ones I wanna hear talk. Tink asks Skara who her favorite recapper is and her answer makes me feel bad for dissing her all the time.
Church Lady is up next, sans glasses. Did he finally run out? I liked them. They hid his face a bit. Cut to fan signage. His fans seem about as intelligent as you’d think.
Huh?
He tells Tink that he bought a guitar cuz he gets bored and masturbation isn’t allowed in the mansion cuz there are cameras everywhere. Fascinating. Church Lady is singing “Endless Love” by Lionel Ritchie. CL is going to sing both the Lionel and Diana Ross parts. And I thought the original pairing was a bit disturbing. Picturing Lionel and Diana making out is pretty wrong, but picturing Hokey hugging himself and rubbing his pasty self to this song is even worse. It hasn’t even started yet and I’m practically fetal. He says that this is the song that has touched him the most so far. I love that Church Lady touches himself so. Wait. No I don’t. How has this entire paragraph turned into masturbation talk? Let’s just move on.
I’m sorry but you can’t come into Heaven. Yes, your sermons were good, but you yell too much and we like it quiet here. Buhbye.
Quentin suggests he uses his hands more dramatically. Uh, thanks for stopping by, Quent. This leads Church to make all these hand motions, which are hilarious. He also bones the beginning cuz he’s trying to sing softly and can’t do it. Thirty seconds in, guess what he does? YELLS! It sounds like he’s breaking up with himself, and it’s not going well.
This is endless.
This guy is exactly the same every single week. Mediocrity is a skill, and he’s got it down pat. The arrangement is exactly the same as the original. He ends by looking up to Heaven, and tries to not be offended that even God fell asleep during that one. More dead wife pandering! Ah, how I’ve missed that.
God, I KNOW you’re not sleeping with your mouth open right now.
Paula thinks that it was great. Notice how Paula and Simon get to critique all their faves? Rigged! Simon hoped that Church Lady would find some way to be original, but why would he even hope that? He’s never done anything original. Unless you count last week’s cruise ship version of Stand by Me, and that blew. Simon brings up Cook’s rendition of a Lionel Richie song last year, and ouch. If you’re being told that David Cook is better than you, you might as well just pack your bags right now, cuz that dude couldn’t even stay on key for more than a verse at a time. Simon does give him credit for squeezing out a few tears because “obviously, that song meant something to you”. I wonder why it would mean something to him? Oh right. Dead wife. Yawn. He’s gonna need to drum up some kinda new tragedy if he wants to keep our attention.
Well isn’t that special?
When we come back from break, Randy is fake punching Simon. How much do these judges get paid? Cuz they don’t pay attention much. Krispy Twink is singing “Falling Slowly” from Once. Quentin is happy that the twink picked a good song from a movie that meant something to him. Will he play the guitar?!? Ooooh, the mystery. He doesn’t. He’s waaaay off key from the start. It’s too low for him and he can’t hit the notes. About thirty seconds in he takes it up an octave and does well, even in his fals notes, but it’s kinda late cuz that beginning was painful. We do get some good sideways mouth action, though.
Reeeeach
He bones a lot of the notes, but every time he hits a belt note or a fals note the audience applauds. So ridiculous. He literally howls at the end. Yowza that stunk. Randy wasn’t into it. He loves the song, but thinks the whole thing was pitchy. Skara thinks it was one of his best moments of the show. Lot of bad jackets tonight on the boys. Ross Dress for Less isn’t the only store in LA, glam squad. This show makes a billion dollars a night, SHOP. Yay time for Little. Will she pull it together this week and show some originality? Tink gets stuck in the mosh pit and is even the shortest person in a sea of thirteen year olds. Poor little feller.
Hey that’s my cornhole!
Quentin’s a big fan of Little’s and loves that she’s doing The Rose. She’s doing it as a gospel song. There you go! His advice is to commit to the first, boring part the same as she is committing to the gospel section. Wow. Commit to the soft notes and the wail notes? No one’s ever said that before. Gokey and Krispy Twink could have used some of that. Someone in my building is eating McDonald’s french fries right now and they smell delicious. Would it be rude to knock on some doors? I only have three week old veggies in the fridge.
I start off worried because she cracks on her very first note and the front of the song is chopped up really awkwardly for time. She’s taken a lot of criticism from the judges, rightly so, and it’s messed with her confidence. She looks crazy nervous, and waaay over riffs it. But when it switches into the gospel part she starts to kick ass and there’s a glimmer of hope that she might pull this whole thing off after all. Love the gospel. She should have just done the whole song like that. She needs some more confidence, but she’s definitely on her way. And by the end of the season she’s gonna be wearing wigs that reach the stage.
She ends with her infamous can’t hold the note so I’ll pull the mic away from my face bit, but that was the highest note she’s ever attempted, so props. Paula thinks it was beautiful and “sometimes the road is long, but sometimes it’s a road worth taking”. LOL what? Simon didn’t get Paula, and he didn’t get Lil either. There were nice moments but she’s not the artist she was in the beginning. Lil stands up for herself and says that she thinks her gospel spin was really good. Paula cuts her off and says she shouldn’t ever be afraid to speak her mind. HAHAH so funny. You just cut her off so now she can’t, but thanks for that. I thought that was Little’s best yet, but what do I know? I’m knocking on doors for fries. Turns out they belonged to the new neighbor sublet next door. I welcomed her to the building and said if she ever needed anything…do I smell McDonalds? She’s kinda horrified, but she’ll get used to it.
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UGH! I cannot STAND that song “Falling Slowly” from Once. GOD — last summer people kept trying to play that cd at parties I was at and I just want to vomit every time I hear it. And no, I didn’t see the movie. GAG!
Okay, I loved Hambert — that shit seriously rocked.
I skipped the Archleta-wannabe kid for reasons outlined above.
Anoop — I love him but he was booooring.
Gokey was also v boring.
Hated Gums.
Want Lil to stay on another week and show us her real stuff. I am weary of all these boneheaded mistakes she makes (singing songs that are too old for her, copying the legendary Tina Turner last week etc)
Adam + Allison for the final two!
I don’t get what the judges see in Matt. There is a business element for sure, where they will sell them as artists later and try to make a buck on them, so maybe they think he is very marketable, but his singing is just boring, his voice is just not interesting. Maybe they are latching onto a Justin Timberlake sorta thing.
I wish Lil would sing something that fits her, as she has such potential, but she ends up just being someone that I want to mute.
I am SOOO glad muzak man and irritating Megan are gone (the way she “danced” and overarticulated the lyrics in an affected way).
Anoop sings so nicely, but there is just such a deeply dorky quality to him that I can’t get around.
come on now… little was off key the entire time she was doing the gospel part
i loved the idea of spicing it up with the gospel but she was really really off key
its not about song choice and mistakes… ,she really just cant stay on key no matter wat song she picks
i feel bad for her bc they really tear her down a lot but they shouldnt have picked her then if shes not that good.. how many millions auditioned?
Wow, Flipit. I’m usually on the same page with you, or pretty darn close, but I couldn’t disagree more about Lil. I’m with angelbayyb. She sounded horrid! And I thought Adam sounded pretty good, despite the silly over-the-toppedness of his makeup and performance. Sometimes I wonder if the broadcast sounds different in different areas? LOL.
Great recap though. And I COVET your Tim Gunn bobblehead!
well i have to admit. i thought lil was good. so i made a ringer out of her performance. yikes!! i have never wanted my phone to just. not. ring. ever. again. that only lasted one call. thanks for reading, guys! i still hope lil gets another chance! she’s still better than kris!! you know what they call this? desperation. thanks for reading! xo
I’m now obsessed with what cows sound like on a thundery day, thank you very much. Moo.
I agree with you on Cholita – and Hambert, the guy finally had me for the last few weeks, and he goes and chooses Born To Be Wild? With a doopy-doop-ploinky-ploink electronic keyboard accompaniment? That was seriously painful. I also liked the gospel parts in Lil’s song, but the rest were truly awful. And Gums, same thing, he sounded very nice in parts, and horrible in others. Basically, where he tried to soul it up. I also agree with you about Anoop and his jacket. Ow ow ow (the jacket). Krispy Twink didn’t sound so good, I really liked the original much better, but props for doing at least a current treacly ballad and not an ’80s treacly ballad. And DMG, while I don’t understand anyone wanting to play the Once soundtrack at a party, and it isn’t one I’d buy, you really should see the movie. The part where they’re at the music store and start collaborating on Falling Slowly is really lovely.
As for Hokey (hey, read a book, and maybe you won’t get bored) please allow me to quote a couple of my fellow Europeans (they who were Hose-d) to express my feelings for him and for “Endless Love”:
Euro 1: “Twat.”
Euro 2: “Monkey ass in empty clamshell.”
Oh, and I really love how they had a guy singing about blowjobs last show, but yesterday they talked about QT’s “new action movie” without daring to mention its title, “Inglorious Basterds”. ‘Cause you know the Church Lady retinue would just not get references to going down, but the word bastard would give them the vapors.
What????? I just read your comment, Flipit. No way Lil Overpraised is better than Kris. Have all those years of listening to Mariah and Celine screaming made you deaf to people who can sing in a nice understated way? I’m crying now. And I don’t want to cry until someone posts the inevitable “Bryan Adams sucks” comment sooner or later.
I WANT YOUR TIM GUNN BOBBLEHEAD!!!! gaaaaah, I’ve been looking for one for AGES!
Awesome recap, as per ush
I haven’t seen this episode yet and I’m pretty meh about the whole season in general.. i.e. don’t really care who wins…
Can NOT stand Church Lady, he annoys me to know end and I want him and his shouting to leave ASAP!
AI is weird this year and I am not amused… all the tweaks they’ve done are really annoying (WTF not letting Simon comment on everything?!), plus Quentin Tarantino (or something)?! are you kidding me?
wow… this comment was more rage-full than I had intended…
Awesome recap, Flipit.. Please don’t ever leave us
These people sing for all of a minute and a half (on a show about singing!), and Gums is already out of breath halfway through…
Yeah, Church Lady looked up…but did you also notice he looked down too — just in case, you know, hedging his bets.
And what’s up with Simon, who’s usually the voice of reason, licking CL’s asshole clean? More proof that the show’s rigged.
I actually thought that the Monkeyfacedboy sang best of the night. Which isn’t saying much, true. But at least he’s trying to sing, and not just give some hambone performance of someone acting like a singer.
And now I’m starting to believe you’re in on the action Flipit… or you were listening to a different Lil performance than I was because….ick.
She really sucks. And not just on this performance — she’s a fake. Her singing is fake, it’s an imitation of what a black belt singer is supposed to sing like. But everything about her is off. Like her wig.
Listen to her with headphones, it’s easier to hear how much she sucks –there’s a middle section where she just loses her pretend voice because the muscles in her throat are getting tired and then you can hear what her REAL voice sounds like, and it’s not pretty at all…more of a bleating really.
Her ‘gospel’ riffs are the Guitar Hero equivalent to true singing. And of course, she goes out of key on the last note –and then chops off the final ‘s’ in rose…because she’s an idiot who can’t speak anyway.
In other words, I’m really hoping she’ll win this.
Oh yeah, this show sucks–they still can’t get the timing right. You must have missed the part where Lil talked back to Simon — I’m convinced more than ever that she’s mentally handicapped. I’d say mild Down’s Syndrome. They ought to be pimping that.
Flipit – thanks for the Susan Boyle video. I, too, cried!
First, great recap as usual.
Second, I have that Tim Gunn bobblehead and, though I have not hugged it, I also currently have a headless Tim Gunn. You guys can (or you used to be able to) buy it at the Project Runway store on-line. The head only lasts for a few days, tho.
Third, COME ON!! Lil sucks. There I said it.
She is NOT a good singer. She never makes her notes and is pitchy the whole time. She needs to go.
I agree…Ham and Chola in the finals.
Love you!
Flipit, you had me laughing at Paula wearing Ham’s belt and then straight through what was probably the worst week ever — until Disco Week next week. And if Paula is wearing sparkly disco ball belts around her neck for Overly Cliched and Crappy Movie Theme Week, what on earth will she being wearing next week?
Allison. Her hair looked good? But she kind of sucked. What the hell, she better than most of the alternatives. Comparing her to Ham was a bit off though, Paula. Flip thanks for noting the judges got their front-runner faves and gave them some of the lamest reviews ever.
Anoop. Bryan Adams? Is he crazy? Put down the bong, Frat Boy. And burn that tie, please. Best part of this was Simon rolling his eyes at whatever Randy/Skara were saying in the far corner of the screen. Personally, if they keep the judging teams up, AI should add a Simon Cam to record his response to Randy and Skara. Hillarious.
Ham. Huh. Always wondered what Freddie Mercury would sound like singing this song. And now I know. Great performance, even if the song choice was … weird. I like that Ham doing a crap job is still better than Gokey/Krispy/Matt/Anoop on a good day. His idea of crap is fun, slightly pornographic and very sparkly. Paula’s disco ball beltlace agrees with me.
Gums. All I am really getting from AI tonight is that Bryan Adams is lame. There’s your “Bryan Adams sucks” comment, sayhuh, although I secretly like Bryan Adams. Dude will get laid for the rest of his life on that lameness, unlike Gums and his boring Baby. Step it up, Gums/Baby.
Danny. “Endless Love.” Otherwise known as how to send jennaboa into a fit of sputtering rage, obliterating happy-bunny thoughts she had been having over her tax return check. Thanks, Hokey. You ruined a perfectly good high with your self-masturbatory bullshit and dead-wife pandering. Thanks, Simon, for almost saying something not-so-positive about Hokey.
Krispy. Aw, he’s cute! Who is he again? What is he singing …. zzzzzzzz.
Lil. “The Rose.” Well, the song choice could have been worse. I’m just thankful it wasn’t “My Heart Will Go On” b/c after two lame-ass slow songs and two Bryan Adams’ songs, who needs Valium to go to sleep? And then Lil screeches and I realize I need Valium and she just needs to go home already.
michigan: Thanks for telling me where to buy the Tim Gunn bobblehead. I can’t wait for his head to fall off, so I can stick it under his arm and still have it yell out “Make it work!” like the Headless Clothes-horseman of NYC. Awesomeness.
Okay, first things first: great recap as usual flip!
Silvio (the soprano dude with the scarf in the audience): that was Stevie Van Zandt and his wife Maureen (who also played his wife on the Sopranos). He’s the electric guitar player in Bruce Springsteen’s E Street band. Yes he is!
That out of the way, (I brace myself for a barrage of rotten fruit hurled from itchy’s, jennaboa’s, and flipit’s computers) why do you all hate Danny so much? Every week I try to see some kind of angle that you see, and I don’t think he’s the ass you think he is. And he actually has a good voice. He’s not my pick though. I’ve had Hambert picked for the end since Hollywood week. I honestly think the finale will be Hokey and Hambert.
The frustrating thing about Lil is that if she would just let somebody who actually knew something just order her to sing certain songs and take the whole “decision” thing off her hands, she could be a good artist. Just don’t ever let her pick her songs.
All that friggin’ money… can’t they buy some damn pop screens for their microphones? Honestly! Every time someone says the letter “P” it’s so loud.
I also like Danny, and don’t understand all the hate heaped on him. I’m hoping for a Danny/Allison final. Yes, Hambert can sing…but he is not a pop star. He belongs on a broadway stage.
I sent a note to Flipit to this effect, but I had hoped since it was movie week, Hambert would finally break out some Judy or Liza. With this next week being disco, perhaps he’ll reprise his Cher from Hollywood week.
As for Quentin, I think he could possibly be on of the top 5 ugliest men currently breathing. He is ghastly and over-rated…a lethal combination.
I don’t know why I’m watching this show anymore. Uh, I liked Adam and the 48 year old British lady. Flipster, you’re such a big SOFTEE. Crying? Jeez, man up girlfriend! (Okay, I cried too but in a very MANLY way that in no way inferred any sort of girly-ness and I gave somebody THE FINGER while I was crying so that kind of counteracts the crying.) Not a fan of Little but I do like her wigs! I think she should wear a blonde wig or a blue wig before she’s booted from the show. Uh, she should also look for a dress that makes her ass look smaller. (It will have to be a miracle dress because her ass is SO BIG!)
Timberwolf: I can only speak for myself, but I don’t like him because he comes off faker than Ham’s hair color and is a one-note singer. Yeller, at any rate. He has a nice voice, but it leaves me dead. I’ve never been a fan of people who yell at me during soft songs. I also think his songs sound the same every week. Boring. He needs to work on his appearance, too; he came off really smug to me in the results show. It could also be that I don’t have any connection to him at all and much prefer Matt and Adam.
Then again, I love Queen, Mika, Within Temptation, Queensryche, Panic at the Disco, and other theatrical bands, which is why I have to say Ham is my favorite. He commits totally to whatever song he does, even if I don’t like the performance, I can feel that passion. The only other singer left in this competition (to me) who can do that is Allison and something Matt.
Thanks Flippy!!! I got the spoilers on the songs and I was sooooo hella pissed that Glam was going to do that song, what was she thinking!!!! Girl can sing, but talk about yo-yo choices–ugh!!! It would be nice if she sang just one song normal without falsetto or screeching . . . just once . . . it does always make me and my friend titter when she wails on those Axl notes.
I kinda thought Little did what they asked for in “gospel-ing” or “Blige-ing” the Rose, but she is weak, and hasn’t hit one since week one. I see no reason they couldn’t have at least given her credit for trying, but delivery, not so much . . . she’s now got the support of VFTW, imagine . . .
CL is a mixed bag for me, love the tone of his voice, but he’s def getting meh at this point, and he seems smug to me too, but sadly, I’d still do him . . . argh!!! Is his dead wife gonna come after me now . . .
“You flaming homo, I’ll get you!!!”
Sorry for that . . .
Humbly, I admit, Anoop was the standout on this one, and that’s hard for me to say, but he sang that one like the angel Susan Boyle, who I say is the reincarnated Eleanor Rigby!!!
Jennaboa, wouldn’t you know it, I just saw Mika at an accoustic show last night, he was great live, and the audience sang along quite a bit–new songs sound good too, but of course I can’t remember anything about them–glug-glug!!!
I think Paula took that diamond studded monstrosity from her dog she tripped over. She was on Shecrest’s show this am, and she sounds just as medicated in the morning.
I can’t help but wonder about the sound system in that place, so much trouble with pitch going on in what I see as some great singers. The one thing I like about this season is how many raspy singers there are, I think Allison is the voice they’ve been lusting for for years.
I’d get her record, and maybe CL’s if it was music I liked, even gum’s I’d buy. I wouldn’t necessarily go for Glam, but I’m sooooo happy to see a big girl in there representing!!!! Go Glambert!!!
Great recap. Not a good episode. If they are going to only allow two judges to comment, I’d rather see Randy, or Scara, or Paula and then always Simon. Better yet, drop Scara or put a kill switch on her mic.
I’ve been listening to the amazing Susan Boyle video for two days (yes, even former Marines cry). I can’t imagine doing that over any of the American Idol contestants. (Simon’s reaction was priceless – and, again, I can’t imagine him looking at any of these kids the way he looked at Susan.)
Arg, the list is just too damn long…but not too worry, I don’t hate the Church Lady in an actively seething with-I-could-reach-through-the-screen way, only in a ‘this show sucks and since he’s being pimped to win it, then he sucks too’ way.
I don’t hate Danny but I would like to see him burn in Hell.
If someone has a match I can start his head on fire.
LOL Mr. Dangerous. I love how you scold flippy — it’s very manly. That was funny!
^^^^I was referring to comment #14, btw. My comment seemed kind out out of context next to your last one, eh?
Hey, this is fun! Here’s my version of “I don’t hate Danny but…”
…I just never wanted to hear what Michael Bolton would sound like if his backup was Kenny G and his songs were picked by Dandelion McIntyre.
I agreed with Lil that she took a Bette Midler song and brought it into R&B territory, in a compelling way. Maybe “Not gonna Cry” from “Waiting to Exhale” would have been more the judges pick for her, but then she’d been called copycat. She has taken the Judges’ constant advice to sing more like MJB and to sing less like MJB to heart and applied it here. That said she isn’t my favorite and I don’t think she has a chance.
See, the results show revealed the whole problem with Lil.
It’s called: Jennifer Hudson.
JH is a real singer. Real talent. Even if I don’t particularly like that style of music. She kicks ass (over ALL of this year’s cast).
Next to her, Lil is a parrot. With bad wigs, a weirdly shaped face, terrible enunciation problems, and a whopper of a back shelf.
One more thing, seems like I’m in the minority here, but I loved little Kris’ performance. Disclaimer: I love the original song to a try strange emotional degree. Still while he sang the beginning low in a place of his voice that’s as rough as Glen Hansard’s, he made the rest his own. Love how it starts timid, all cracky and aching, then gets stronger and more intense, and he totally throws himself into it, harmonizing with the backup singer beautifully. Loved it.
itchy,
I think you’re right. She’s only parroting what she’s told to sound like or perform like. That Tina Turner performance last week is probably the best example of that. There’s no real artist there. It’s sad to see her stand there and give them what they asked for and not understand that that’s her main problem.
juddfan: I’m terribly jealous that you got to see Mika. I *adore* Mika.
You can really tell he has operatic training. Love it.
I wonder if Queen is considered disco? Too much of a stretch? I would really love to hear Ham do Queen. And Hokey to do Le Freak.
Seriously, why must they torture us with disco? Wasn’t the entire point of disco to get jacked up on the drug du jour and dance it all out before hooking up w/ some guy with really horrid hair in an alleyway? If you are sitting on a couch eating ice cream, not so much the same effect, methinks.
itchy: Totally right about Lil v Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer is the total package. Lil has a lot of work to do.
By far some of the best picture recaps I have ever seen – you are one funny recapper! I like your twisted humor.
Hambert is one note away from busting out show tunes – that would be a show to watch…the trainwreck would be so pretty.
Disco, REALLY? This should be delightedly painful!
Torture us with disco?
Uh, disco is what it’s all about, MAN. This will be the best AI week of the season. I hope Little does Evelyn Champaigne King’s SHAME.
One of the reasons I’d chosen to go to school in Chicago was that they’d just had a big ‘Death to Disco’ rally.
“Cool,” I thought, “that’s the place to me.”
Of course, I’ve since come around…not for listening to a bunch of bad singers hack it to death though.
Queen had a couple of disco-flavored numbers, so brace yourselves…
This two-judge format just sucks. Two ways to cut down on time: 1) Stop Tink from adlibbing his nonsensical tripe, and 2) Stop letting the contestants talk back to the judges. Really, it is just bad form.
Actually, there’s probably a lot of crap they could cut without anyone caring. AI, just keep the basics — singing and judging. And yes, I like Skara. She’s a brilliant song writer and has an amazing voice herself. Although she can be boring at times, what she says is usually constructive and meaningful.
Ah, on to Disco! So, do you think Little will take on Donna Summers’s “Last Dance”? She could come out in a glitter dress and big afro. Another missed opportunity to be herself.
God, I hope somebody sings “Boogie Oogie Oogie.” LOL.
Count me as also hoping for an Adam/Allison finale!
I want to see someone take on Kiss’ attempt at disco and do “I Was Made For Loving You”. That would be great.
Thank you Itchy, finally someone speaks about Lil’s obvious mental shortcomings! I first noticed it when she’d been given constructive criticism and Ryan asked how she felt about it, she repeated back what was said as her response to how she will go about fixing the problem. She obviously has no knowledge of music. The judges were sucked in by her Myna Bird impression. And wtf was she thinking trying to do The Rose? Idiot.
I wasn’t happy with Alison singing one of my favorite love songs and didn’t think she did it justice but it had more to do with her low tones not being suited to that song than Alison herself. Normally I like her just fine.
Love Adam’s voice and ability to put on a show, but wasn’t thrilled with this song choice. Having said that, he did a slamming job on a cheesetastic song.
Really enjoyed Kris’ song but yeah, he had some iffy spots.
Anoop and Matt sounded nice, but zzzzzzzzz to both of them.