Tonight on American Idol, Church Lady gets chopped to bits and Krispy Twink is almost raped before being saved by Bruce Willis.
Before we begin, I saw this clip posted on realityblurred and actually cried watching it. I am going to be nice to Simon cuz he so won me over on this one. I say get rid of the age limit and any restrictions of any kind and make this damn show about SINGING. Simon, never leave me.
On with the show!! Wait. Before we begin, is this a real show?
Cuz this is a show I could win.
Tink starts with something about the contestants dominating the small screen, but I can’t hear him cuz Hambert is kinda raping us all right now with his eyes. And his clean cuttedness. And his square cheekbone.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a square cheek before. Sleep on your back.
Tink stops at the end of the line before “THIS. Is American Idol!” He’s standing next to some wierd older dude with a plastic jacket. It’s Quentin Tarantino! WOWEEEEEEE! Wait. What the f does Quentin Tarantino know about music? Granted, the Kill Bill theme is my current ringer, but it’s mostly cuz I liked watching Uma beat dudes up and pop out Daryl Hannah’s eyeball. Maybe tonight’s theme is really killer phone ringers. Or old people who don’t know what they’re talking about.
Hey! What ever happened to normal talkies? Now movies are all music and girls in bikinis and blood and guts and whodunnit? Who done what? I’m still lookin at boobies! WHAAAAA?!?!?!
Tink comes down the lit stares and points and winks at people in the audience, like it’s his birthday and he’s so glad they all came.
Doogie! Terri Hatcher! Well I never!
Tink intros the band, who is actually on stage tonight instead of on a 100 ft platform.
Could ya not make every song sound like a soundtrack to a seventies porno flick on the high seas? Thanks.
And now for the judges! The excellent! The congenial! The Big Momma’s House imitating yellow striped Randy Jackson!
“Somebody better tell me something, cause this show is some freaky shit.” Big Momma, 2000
And thank you to whoever told Randy about the perpendicular stripe/thinning rule. Now at least half of him looks trim. See how his left side looks fat and ungainly? Watch your stripes, people. Skara DeLaguardia is as shocked as usual to hear her name out loud, but this time there’s the added wtf of Tink’s use of the word “provocative” to describe her.
That was so offensive that I’m gonna make a sour old lady face.
Tink tries to find a way to describe the plastic mess Paula’s got around her neck, but he can’t come up with one cuz the teleprompter is giving him Obama’s comments about killing the pirates. Damn teleprompter! Is there only one of you in America? Paula just laughs and laughs. It’s all fun and games til someone pushes you in a pool. Even plastic diamonds can drown you, if there’s enough of them.
Excuse you, but I think that’s Hambert’s belt for the night. Now what’s he gonna do?
And Simon’s there too. And I love him. Butt cut and all. Simon apologizes to the viewers for the for the stupid girls over-talking last week and making the show run long. To remedy this, instead of finding a director who can actually, you know, direct, this week the judges will be talking in pairs. Yikes. I’m glad he’s sitting by Paula. It’s about time there was a “gorgeous” “hideous” “f-fu-fun-phenomenus” “cat poop” mash up. And now, for the Top 7! And the Soprano’s Silvio!
Have you ever imagined Fran Drescher as a pirate? Well there you have it.
Tink goes down the line of contestants and gives every one a piece of typed up teleprompter hackery. “Are we ready for a good one?” “We’re gettin close!” “The fight is on, right?” “It’s a hot one tonight!” “We gotta work it out, baby!” WTF? He’s like the Tim Gunn bobblehead I have on my desk. Whenever I want to cry, I press a button and Tim says “Don’t bore Nina!” “Make it work!” or “carry on!” His head is inexplicably made of plaster, so the first time I broke down and started sobbing and tried to hug him, his head went crashing to the floor. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but if you ever want to see Tim Gunn beheaded, come over! Or I can just give you these pics.
And now for the part where Tink tries to explain wtf Quentin Tarantino is doing here. There’s a spoof of a movie preview. “In a world, of motion pictures! Quentin Tarantino had a hit five years ago! And he used music from 30-50 years ago! But no one recognized the songs! And he brought Uma Thurman back from the dead! And Foxy Brown, but she soon died again.”
Where’d you go, L Word?
We get a montage of Quentin’s movies, which I love. Hulleow? I mentioned Kill Bill is my ringer, right? Shots of Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and Kill Bill. ZZZZ….wait! A shot of him telling Diana DeGarmo she blew chunks back in Season Three. I’m a fan again!
All the way to the final two, baldie!
Poor Diana DeGarmo can’t catch a break. Quentin’s currently shooting a World War 2 action movie in Berlin. It stars Brad Pitt. Man, Angelina and their twenty African children ate. His ass. Up.
Dude. Go back to Jen so we can all get boners again.
The contestants meet Quentin at a scoring stage, and he seems the most interested in Gums.
Can I borrow your half face hiding fedora? Cuz I’m starting to look like Janet Reno over here.
OK, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m pretty bald. But my hair thins like on the back of a Rogaine box. Quentin’s? I don’t know what’s happening there, but his part starts behind his ear. If you’re gonna get a wig, get it to cover at least 1/3 of your scalp. Why is this bothering me so much? I don’t know. Paula, Hambert and Little are doing fine with their wigs. It’s called sharing, people.
Cruelest male pattern baldness on record.
Quentin is in the audience tonight instead of on the judges’ panel, cuz Skara stole his spot. He promises to chime in whenever possible, and I believe him. This shit better not cut off early again, because I still refuse to record Lie To Me. Sorry, it’s not terrible, but I will never betray the Mentalist. And that tight ass from The Practice acting all sexy makes me uncomfortable. Quentin says he is going to direct them like they’re in a movie. Who else is crossing their fingers for a Church Lady eye gouging scene? The kids take a picture with Quent, and Krispy Kreme has gay stance and Hambert looks like he’s imitating Miss South Carolina.
And now, for the talent portion, I will be screaming like a breached newborn pooping out picante sauce.
The woman sitting next to Quentin has a picture of something, but I can’t tell what. A lost purse? A missing dog? I need to know what’s in this picture.
You tell me. I’m going with dog.
Cholaheta is up first with “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” from the movie Armageddon. LOL.
At first, Chola sings it for him, but she don’t SANG it for him. So he’s like “I know my hair is distracting but this time don’t sing to my bald triangle. Sing to the WORLD” and she’s like “OMG I’M A MOVIE STAR” and he’s like “totally. I’m sitting now. DELIVIER.” And she’s all “WAAAAAH” and he’s like “I’ve fixed you. Now you’re awesome and will own the planet. Do you know where I can find the two for 99 cent dish soap?” and she’s like “Dawn’s on aisle 2.”
Tonight she’s less Blair Witch, Wisconsin and more refined. Her outfit still probably retails for less than one of those Tootsie Roll piggy bank edition canisters, but she wears it well. A bedazzled sweater! Just when you thought you’d seen it all. The lights match her hair, which matches her belt, which matches her leggings. There’s something just not rock about matching leggings, but I can’t put my finger on it. Sing to me about getting eight Ramen noodles for a dollar, k? All 99 cent store jokes aside, she starts off soft, which is something she’s needed to do. Her beginning is low and rich and good to hear. The band kicks in after fifteen seconds, though, and I’m back to picturing terrorist puppets getting blown to bloody chips while Chola shouts on and on kinda not hitting the notes in some parts over the cheese karaoke track from the Bheimer days. She should have just kept it soft and felt it….or something. Who the f am I? Love her. By the end of the song I’m a fan of matching hair, belt and leggings. And cheap noodles.
Hey let’s make the theme of this number RED.
Chola’s mama is smiling and beaming, which is a really bad sign. She’s usually sobbing. This time she’s just like “that was sweet honey. Time to take ten.”
Cute. Now could someone please get George Lopez out of here? He’s making me uncomfortable.
Chola misses some big notes, but she hits some big ones too, and she’s generally not fake and gross, so I’m all for her. She’ll have her “Summertime” or “Over the Rainbow” moment, but it wasn’t tonight. Wait. Katie Couric! Glad to see she’s out having fun instead of … reading, when her show’s last in the ratings. Live it up, sista! You got a contract!
I’ve got a great Palin story. Remind me at the break.
The audience is going nuts, and Silvio and his wife? Girlfriend? get in a heated discussion about it.
If you don’t take out the trash the second we get home I’m hiding all your headscarves.
Paula basically says that Chola has the same “special sauce” as Hambert. I’m telling you. Wigs. That’s where it’s at. No no no. It’s authenticity!!
Please. Just speak English.
Paula says that she doesn’t care if Chola is 16 or (glaring at Simon) 60, she’s good! Wait! She just said Simon was sixty! That’s hilarious. She smiles, but that neckpiece drags her down. Her own QVC line of caca just turned on her ass.
Simon says that Chola is the only hope the girls have right now. You know Little just started crying backstage. My, how they turn, eh? Katie Couric agrees.
OK someone tell George Lopez to stop staring at my nubs, please.
He thinks she could win this sucka. Her response is a hideous face pull. And then her chin starts sweating.
Next up, songs from Easy Rider and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. What random ass choices. If I were on this show I would just hum the opening theme from Soapdish and take that statue home. Anoop’s singing “Everything I Do, I Do it For You” by Bryan Adams. Quentin suggests he “rough it up”, and growls and yells as an example.
Uh yeah. Just like that.
Anoop can’t really do that. He tries, but ouch. Quentin just flaps his arms and growls more. Still, it’s kinda awesome that the first mentor of the season who doesn’t know much about singing is the one to give the most advice. Noop starts in a pink spotlight and I can’t hear him at first because his outfit has me so befuddled. What the hell? It’s like a letterman jacket sports coat hybrid thing. Is that a garter belt on his arm? The economy has killed the glam squad. Anyway, singing. He starts of softly and sounds great. The song sounds like it’s been given a valium. It drags and stumbles around and tries to grab onto a rail. Then the music kicks up a notch and Noop tries to do Quentin’s arm flap growl yell.
The best part is when he stops singing altogether and stands there to let us soak up his awesomeness. He seems to think this is sexy, but it’s just chinless and he needs to come up with a better pose.
That’s gonna be really rough to shave in about twenty years.
It’s tax day as I write this, so I like to think Anoop is emotionally singing about doing whatever it takes to get me a refund this year. That makes me really like this performance. His best yet by far, even if it was a littlezzzzzzzzzzzz. He’s Anoop, what do you expect? The audience is deeply shouting “Anoooooop! Anooooooop!” It sounds like boos. Or a field of cows on a thundery day. Randy says dude a lot and I guess he liked it. Skara liked that Anoop added his soul into it tonight. She calls it his best work yet and adds that she felt connected to him. I don’t like this pair judging. I want to hear Simon’s critique!! I’d like to think he would just roll his eyes and moooooooo. Now let’s take some time to examine this jacket.
Tink asks Anoop who that song was dedicated to and Anoop won’t say, but then says there’s no one. I think it’s his fat frat friend, cuz that guy is way too emotional to not be getting in at least a little drunken late night makeout action. And Anoop is wearing a rainbow tie.
Hambert’s singing “Born to be Wild”. LAME. Seriously? WHY? How can he go from kicking ass and taking names with something so different last week to “Born to be Wild”? Booooooo. Quentin says that if this is a competition looking for the next rock star, Ham would win. That’s not really what this is about. It’s finding the next pop star. Not that there’s much of a difference in 2009, but still. Ham isn’t really ready to show Quentin the whole thing, cuz he hadn’t decided what the song was going to be yet. Turns out all that thinking led to skipping, a popped collar, pelvic thrusts, and lots and lots of eye shadow.
This was the moment he could have pulled out some Cabaret, and he wussed out. If I had Liza’s number I would call to make sure she’s doing alright.
He’s back to being ridiculous. But he got the backup singers to headbang, which is hilarious.
His pelvic thrusts are pretty funny, and anyone who skips around stage on purpose has to get some credit. He squeals and screeches the whole thing. It reminds me of taking my sister’s newborn to the doctor to get a shot in her heel. What can you really say about this? Skip. Squeal. Eyeshadow. The end.
Paula is on her feet screaming and losing it. The audience is going nuts too, and they scream for awhile. Paula says he’s shaking up the competition by dancing in the path of greatness. LOL. What the fuck, woman? She says that fortune rewards the brave, and he’s the bravest contestant she’s ever seen. How is singing “Born to Be Wild” brave in any way shape or form? And besides, what he has isn’t bravery, it’s called being out of the closet. Simon jokes that Ham needs to learn how to express himself, and says that even though the vocal was good, it was like watching The Rocky Horror Show. LOL. Rrrrrrrocky! That’s so true. Ham just shrugs and says “I love that musical!” Simon thinks half the audience will love it and half will hate it. He doesn’t take into account the millions of “meh”s that that song generated. The audience is still going nuts and screeching. Don’t. Get it. Maybe it was the eye shadow.
Gums is next, and explains how he picks songs. He goes through his dueling piano set list and picks from there, duh. He’s doing “Have You Ever Loved A Woman?” and dedicates it to Hambert. Wow Bryan Adams is making out like a bandit tonight. Quentin doesn’t have much to say, so let’s get this show on the road. Gums is trying to grow in a mustache, but it only grows right under his nose. Hitler stache? Not cool, Gums. Not cool.
Jewish groups have already put a bulls-eye on your forehead.
He does a pretty straight up version of the song. His voice is beautiful and he hits his notes, but wow. This is really really snorrific. Towards the end he gets a bit screechy and off key and bones an out of breath riff, but decent overall. Decent and BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRINNG. Randy says he hit a rough patch in the bridge, riffed too much, and fell down more times than not. Skara whines that she doesn’t know who Gums is. Who aaaaare you? Are you rooooock? Are you bluuuuues? How could you dooooo this to meeeee?!?! Simon doesn’t even pretend to give a f what Skara’s saying.
He makes bored faces while Skara talks and Paula turns her back to Skar and giggles with Simon. These two are so rude. And they’re the only ones I wanna hear talk. Tink asks Skara who her favorite recapper is and her answer makes me feel bad for dissing her all the time.
Church Lady is up next, sans glasses. Did he finally run out? I liked them. They hid his face a bit. Cut to fan signage. His fans seem about as intelligent as you’d think.
He tells Tink that he bought a guitar cuz he gets bored and masturbation isn’t allowed in the mansion cuz there are cameras everywhere. Fascinating. Church Lady is singing “Endless Love” by Lionel Ritchie. CL is going to sing both the Lionel and Diana Ross parts. And I thought the original pairing was a bit disturbing. Picturing Lionel and Diana making out is pretty wrong, but picturing Hokey hugging himself and rubbing his pasty self to this song is even worse. It hasn’t even started yet and I’m practically fetal. He says that this is the song that has touched him the most so far. I love that Church Lady touches himself so. Wait. No I don’t. How has this entire paragraph turned into masturbation talk? Let’s just move on.
I’m sorry but you can’t come into Heaven. Yes, your sermons were good, but you yell too much and we like it quiet here. Buhbye.
Quentin suggests he uses his hands more dramatically. Uh, thanks for stopping by, Quent. This leads Church to make all these hand motions, which are hilarious. He also bones the beginning cuz he’s trying to sing softly and can’t do it. Thirty seconds in, guess what he does? YELLS! It sounds like he’s breaking up with himself, and it’s not going well.
This is endless.
This guy is exactly the same every single week. Mediocrity is a skill, and he’s got it down pat. The arrangement is exactly the same as the original. He ends by looking up to Heaven, and tries to not be offended that even God fell asleep during that one. More dead wife pandering! Ah, how I’ve missed that.
God, I KNOW you’re not sleeping with your mouth open right now.
Paula thinks that it was great. Notice how Paula and Simon get to critique all their faves? Rigged! Simon hoped that Church Lady would find some way to be original, but why would he even hope that? He’s never done anything original. Unless you count last week’s cruise ship version of Stand by Me, and that blew. Simon brings up Cook’s rendition of a Lionel Richie song last year, and ouch. If you’re being told that David Cook is better than you, you might as well just pack your bags right now, cuz that dude couldn’t even stay on key for more than a verse at a time. Simon does give him credit for squeezing out a few tears because “obviously, that song meant something to you”. I wonder why it would mean something to him? Oh right. Dead wife. Yawn. He’s gonna need to drum up some kinda new tragedy if he wants to keep our attention.
Well isn’t that special?
When we come back from break, Randy is fake punching Simon. How much do these judges get paid? Cuz they don’t pay attention much. Krispy Twink is singing “Falling Slowly” from Once. Quentin is happy that the twink picked a good song from a movie that meant something to him. Will he play the guitar?!? Ooooh, the mystery. He doesn’t. He’s waaaay off key from the start. It’s too low for him and he can’t hit the notes. About thirty seconds in he takes it up an octave and does well, even in his fals notes, but it’s kinda late cuz that beginning was painful. We do get some good sideways mouth action, though.
He bones a lot of the notes, but every time he hits a belt note or a fals note the audience applauds. So ridiculous. He literally howls at the end. Yowza that stunk. Randy wasn’t into it. He loves the song, but thinks the whole thing was pitchy. Skara thinks it was one of his best moments of the show. Lot of bad jackets tonight on the boys. Ross Dress for Less isn’t the only store in LA, glam squad. This show makes a billion dollars a night, SHOP. Yay time for Little. Will she pull it together this week and show some originality? Tink gets stuck in the mosh pit and is even the shortest person in a sea of thirteen year olds. Poor little feller.
Hey that’s my cornhole!
Quentin’s a big fan of Little’s and loves that she’s doing The Rose. She’s doing it as a gospel song. There you go! His advice is to commit to the first, boring part the same as she is committing to the gospel section. Wow. Commit to the soft notes and the wail notes? No one’s ever said that before. Gokey and Krispy Twink could have used some of that. Someone in my building is eating McDonald’s french fries right now and they smell delicious. Would it be rude to knock on some doors? I only have three week old veggies in the fridge.
I start off worried because she cracks on her very first note and the front of the song is chopped up really awkwardly for time. She’s taken a lot of criticism from the judges, rightly so, and it’s messed with her confidence. She looks crazy nervous, and waaay over riffs it. But when it switches into the gospel part she starts to kick ass and there’s a glimmer of hope that she might pull this whole thing off after all. Love the gospel. She should have just done the whole song like that. She needs some more confidence, but she’s definitely on her way. And by the end of the season she’s gonna be wearing wigs that reach the stage.
She ends with her infamous can’t hold the note so I’ll pull the mic away from my face bit, but that was the highest note she’s ever attempted, so props. Paula thinks it was beautiful and “sometimes the road is long, but sometimes it’s a road worth taking”. LOL what? Simon didn’t get Paula, and he didn’t get Lil either. There were nice moments but she’s not the artist she was in the beginning. Lil stands up for herself and says that she thinks her gospel spin was really good. Paula cuts her off and says she shouldn’t ever be afraid to speak her mind. HAHAH so funny. You just cut her off so now she can’t, but thanks for that. I thought that was Little’s best yet, but what do I know? I’m knocking on doors for fries. Turns out they belonged to the new neighbor sublet next door. I welcomed her to the building and said if she ever needed anything…do I smell McDonalds? She’s kinda horrified, but she’ll get used to it.
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit