Tonight, American Idol proves….well nothing. It proves nothing. But the women were better. There. You feeling sad yet? Wanna feel sadder? Keep reading.
The only difference between you and me is MY TEARS ARE REAL! And you’re thinner. And prettier. And more barren. And richer. But we’re just as balding! Why do I feel the need to know you? WHY?!
First, a word from the show that came on at 8 instead of American Idol. It’s called Human Target.
Hate it already.
A fire going towards explosives all slowly to build suspense?!? BULLSHIT! Did this exact same thing happen last night on Lost and I was totally in love with it? YES. What does that make me? A HYPOCRITE! Ok now that that’s settled, let’s get to it.
We open with Tinkercrest coming at the camera like a drunk perverted uncle who’s about to steal our innocence and our souls.
I just woke you up to see if you wanted to maybe sit on my lap.
He walks down the line of boys and says their names all threateningly. Damn. MexiGokey is short.
No wonder you couldn’t make it in a gang.
Fraudrick looks at him like
Girl please. Talk to the brows.
Is Tink standing on a platform? Cuz there’s no way he’s taller than two thirds of the cast. Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy is now a member of the Gay Mr. Rogers Lion’s Club. Congrats buddy!
Ellen is mockingly wearing horizontal stripes. She doesn’t, however, look fat. She still looks like a twelve year old boy with a waddle.
Skara took my advice and got herself some bangs. Thinning hair? GONE! See what a good gay can get you?
Also we can get you lots of free condoms from gay bars so there’s no evidence when rape kits are done on the teenage boy contestants.
Simon’s in a super classy tee that’s open down to his belly. Do you need a picture? No you don’t. Cuz you’ve seen this ninety percent of the past nineteen years or whatever. Tink asks Simon and Skara why they’re always close this year. Cuz Skara’s pathetic? Well that can’t be the answer. So Skara says that Simon is the one perpetrating the faux Paula-less flirting, but she’s clearly up his hole. If she had butt hair hanging out of her mouth right now would you be surprised? No. No you would not. Unless you assumed his butt got waxed with the rest of his chicken skin.
Anyways, Skara says that he currently has one beard but he’s rich enough to deserve two so here she is. Then Tink reminds us all that he dated Teri Hatcher for like five minutes and we all yawn. Tink says Skara is Simon’s binky. LOL. We all know what that’s code for! All together! BEEEARD! You’re a good class. Skara cracks up and whispers to Simon what Tink meant. Randy laughs at nothing, and Ellen goes over her shopping list.
Saran Wrap, hair gel, toilet paper, saran wrap…wait how many times is that gonna be on my list? When will they come out with female condoms that don’t look like cow udders WHEN?!?! I hope someone uses a guitar so I can ask if it’s a flute or something. That’ll be hilarious and tomorrow my ratings will be through the roof. Why does women’s basketball suck so hard? Lemondrops. Pinstripes. Penises. EW I can’t believe I just thought that.
This is the most important night of the guys’ lives!!!!!!!!!!!! Did all those exclamation points get you prepared for the AWESOMENESS and LIFE CHANGEiness of this show? Good. Buckle up. Up first with “Fireflies” is Lee. Oooh ! I wonder if he’s gonna be all growly and off key! Well, he’s playing an acoustic guitar tonight instead of an electric. And I think he’s shaven his poseur patch and goatee!!
On the downside, he’s developing a fauxhawk. This town is a child ruiner.
Wait. The mic was hiding the goatee and poseur patch. Damn. So wait. Now he’s got a goatee, a poseur patch AND a fauxhawk? He’s dead to me. The plaid is the cherry on the dead to me sundae.
He is growly and super flat and super marry-able. It’s my dream to find a super cute talented husband who’s just a smidge not talented enough to actually make it. That’s how you control those fuckers. I don’t get it. The song, the voice, the plaid, the faux,…I think I would be ok with this, but it lasts fifteen seconds and at least ten of those were off key. FAIL. Now cry and then come to papa. Randy didn’t really get it, but then changes his mind and says Lee worked it out. Ellen says it was pitchy cuz Randy’s too fuckin lame to say it. Skara says he looked confident, and Lee says proudly “I had fun!” Yeah now have fun and try to sing the actual NOTES. Simon says that there’s nothing to rave about and there was no “moment” but he’s seen the progress and it’s awesome and then keeps kissing his ass. OK is this shit pre written? Cuz that was blaringly lame.
Then Lee whips out his most awkward move…he SPEAKS. Shhhhhhhh. Just look pretty and dewy eyed. That blew hard enough without your shyly terrible grasp on the English language. It’s already time for a commercial. I hope we get a five minute ad about how awesome Human Target is!! Sorry, not buyin that shit. And how many calories does AT&T have? Cuz Luke Wilson is turning into Delta Burke right before our very eyes.
This guy is on so many Ford commercials! He’s famous! Ew he sings? No. No. No. Just…I don’t know. Drive away. And try to hit Adam Hambert while you’re at it. Could you guys imagine Hambert in these Ford commercials? The producers couldn’t either. Hence, the Kris win.
Cotton. Cuz leather is MEEEAN. Suck my dick, vegan ho. And stay off Top Chef!!
Carol Brady is singing “Trouble.” Wait, didn’t another contestant sing that this year? Or was it last year or the year before? Yes and yes and yes. Does American Idol only buy the rights for like twenty songs or what? UGH. Ok I take the ugh back, only cuz Carol is so damn cute. He looks comfie tonight and has dropped the fake “I’M SKERD” act. He’s behind a guitar, as well. I agree with our beloved commenter…sorry I’m too lazy to look up who said it but I agree with the commenter who said it’s kinda unfair that some people get to rely on actual instrumental talent instead of stage presense. Bullshit! Get a personality!!
That said, Carol Brady can sing. He has that nasal growl Hootie thing going on, and he does it well. Song? Boring and predictable, cuz we’ve heard it a million times, but he does right by it. I really wish he’d curl the bottom of that mullet again, though.
In the chorus, he starts sounding like he’s imitating an adult that he’s heard on the radio, but that’s kinda how it goes for contestants from now on. Whoever can imitate a real singer best wins! He flattens out badly on his last note, but it’s nothing compared to the boring ass bs he dished out for the fifteen seconds he was allotted. Randy gives a really long critique that basically amounts to “meh.” Ellen brings up a banana again. Obsessed much? Try a COCK. Or new joke writers. She says that she hopes he doesn’t become a cocky banana cuz no one likes those. Well, you don’t. But some people don’t substitute bananas for actual cocks and we like them however we can get them. Wait. What? I don’t know. Let’s move on.
Skara says he’s standing in his own way cuz he’s not letting go. Or something. How bout “that was boring please don’t be boring any more.” Simon agrees and says that he still doesn’t seem relaxed and should imagine Randy in a bikini. Cuz at least vomiting in front of thirty million people would be entertaining. Simon says that he will make sure Randy shows up in a bikini next week. Aren’t ratings declining already? Simon’s so doing this shit on purpose. Skara jokes that Randy will be in a bikini and Simon will be in a binky. That makes no sense. Raise your hands if you’re surprised that barren sad ass Skara doesn’t know what a binky is? No one? Next song!
Tim Urban is next singing “Hallelujah”. UGHUGHASGDLGihasdfogihq[origbh COME OOOOOON!!!! There are millions of fucking songs in the world and they can choose anything they want!! Granted, this isn’t as steep a hill as a Kelly Clarkson song cuz the last time it was sung on this show it was by Kris Allen and the only reason I even remember who he is is because FORD keeps shoving his pasty bald sideways faced ass down my throat every six minutes. ORIGINALITY!!!! For fuck’s sake. I’m sorry for all the cursing but there are those of us still attempting to take this mess of a season seriously. Or at least trying to not change the channel. Make an effort!!
Another guitar. Wowee! Someone needs to come out and just play their armpit farts. That would at least be NEW. One thing that’s super important when you’re singing a song that’s been sung on this show a million times is to bring something new to it. And Tim does!! He’s the WORST FUCKING VERSION EVAH! Congrats!! Here are the hotel room keys. You’ll be on tour for a whole summer before you go back to cleaning up poop stains out of the Applebee’s family changing restroom.
Your Farrah Fawcett with Spit Ends do almost distracted me from your shit vocals. ALMOST. RIP Farrah!
My anger aside, this is Urban’s best vocal so far. I can’t wait to see him rip up the high notes. So far he’s staying low and split endy. His diction is also really good, cuz I never realized that there were lyrics in this song that went “how to shoot at somebody who I’ll true ya.” HUH? He avoids the high notes and takes them down a register. So he’s learned not to try to sing notes he can’t hit, yet he still chooses songs with lots of high notes in them. I don’t know what’s worse. That wasn’t as bad as I figured it would be, but not even close to being good. Randy says “pretty good”, Ellen says that she’s been mean to him so far and even though she wasn’t happy he had the nerve to sing that song she’s gonna…run up and hug him!! Ew.
Skara says that she thought he was out before, but he proved himself and he’s the best out of the boys so far. You know, better than the other two that went already. Simon says that he’s responsible for Tim doing well cuz he needed a confidence boost. Simon says he’s had a big hit with that song (we know Simon we heard it TWO WEEKS AGO) and Tim didn’t top it but still did well. Great. I hope we hear this five more times this season. And throw in some Kelly Clarkson! And some Aretha! Tim was the best he’s ever been, and it was still SUCK.
MexiGokey is next, and he’s with his guitar! And also Randy’s sweater from last night.
Your arm looks like a toll bridge.
Guitars should no longer be allowed. He tells Tink “I’m gonna go back to the roots man.” I don’t know if this means gang territory or a Paula Abdul song, but I’m hoping both. He feels just as good as he did with “Straight Up”. LOL he’s singing “Genie in the Bottle.” He does the exact same thing he did with “Straight Up.” He takes a skank song and does it acoustic style with as much caucasian infused as possible. Sorry, but I hate Gokey, and I hate Sebilia, the Project Runway winner with a tattoo on his neck. HATE. Same shit, different whore cover. This one’s all off key and shaky and off rhythm, and I’m annoyed. I need to program a shortuct key that will type out “OUT OF HALF A MILLION AUDITIONERS THIS IS THE BEST YOU COULD DO??!!??”
Randy likes that he’s wearing the Ross version of the sweater he wore last night, but the compliments end there. He wasn’t feelin it, and he doesn’t like to be outfatted. Ellen loved the song choice but it got good too late in the game. Skara says AGAIN that he peaked too early and he was off rhythm with the guitar and she’s disapoooooointeeeeed! WAAAH!! Simon agrees with her and adds that he looked desperate and uncomfortable. He’s got a good voice but he’s still going backwards. Tink asks if he would have sung the Paula song if he knew that he would be downed week after week for not topping it. He answers “I would, cuz that’s me” and says the fans are keeping him here. I don’t think I’ve ever actually crossed my fingers in hopes of a drive by until tonight.
Prettiness is singing Keith Urban tonight. He’s got a guitar! CARAZZZZY!!! He’s conditioned his hair. YAY!
Do some pushups and you’ll RULE THE WOOORLD!!
Wow. Sorry to use the word “boring” so much, but I don’t have a thesaurus handy and American Idol doesn’t have any original talent handy. Conundrum! That song was like a glass of milk with toast crumbs in it. Great voice, no personality, charisma, or uniqueness. Randy yawns and swallows a five dollar Little Caesars. Ellen says it was great and he looks super comfortable sitting down. LOL. What a compliment! Skara only has half a labia hardon and wants more spark. Simon says it was his second best performance and it made him sincere. This shit is so lame I’m not even gonna wait til the end of that bs critique. FF. Casey injects zero personality into his interview section. Consistency!
Little Chicken is next. He’s channeling Meatloaf tonight, trying to sound all deep and manly. It’s cute and hilarious. He does that pelvis bump thing, even though he’s singing a ballad. I didn’t even pause to hear the title of the song, but I remember changing radio stations when it came on in the past. Little Chicken gives it his pelvic pumpin best, and even clicks his eyebrows three times like tiny little feet trying to get home. That was….effortful. He gave it his all, that’s for sure. It looked easy not. This group of guys is working super hard, but we’re at the forty minute mark and the only reason I’m still typing is cuz I took a diet pill with the last martini of the night. There’s a reason ephedra’s illegal. It leads to super angry gay bashing child hating blogs on the internet. And heart attacks too.
Do your kegels. You’re gonna need em. If you can learn to squeeze a penis as hard as you’re squeezing your throat you’ll at least have the chance of finding a husband with a job. His name won’t be Career, but it’s better that a lifetime of telemarketing.
Randy says Little’s “comin on” but needs to work his low notes. Ellen loves Little but he’s sounded better. Has he? Cuz I can’t remember one song he’s sung. She gets booed. Skara loves Little but says that the song is about calling home to talk to his kids and it’s not relevant. WHAT KIND OF ARTIST ARE YOU? Simon says Skara is full of shit and shouldn’t be so literal. The song is beautiful and even though it wasn’t a great vocal it was emotional. And very pelvic thrusting. Simon says that they are all confusing the contestants, which is true. But it’s also part of the fun, right? This group is no longer terrified and it’s lame. Fraudrick is next, and I’m actually hoping that he does well at this point.
When did Jessica get a mustache? I like.
Tonight on the news, Simon talks about his new girlfriend.
He got her spayed. Thankfully.
Fraudrick’s pulling a Gokey tonight. And by that, I mean look at his crotch.
What a dick.
He’s singing Queen’s “Somebody to Love” and his first note is waaaaay off, which is surprising cuz his personality is grating but his voice is usually good. Pause. I’m gonna make an egg sandwich. I’m back. As I was making the eggs I wondered to myself if this snack was inspired by Fraudrick’s giant fake egg balls. Now I’m not hungry. First time I’ve stuck to my diet since 2007 so thanks, Fraud!
Fraud is all high at first, and it sounds beautiful. Like when your tea’s ready. Then he drops down into his lower register. It’s alarming. But not as alarming as the big backup singers that the camera guys are trying to make us look at instead of Fraud’s giant fake one.
Those backup singers can wail! I say we give them a Ford and end this season early. Fraud gives a pretty good vocal performance with very white teeth and a giant penis. He’s only missing charisma and emotion. And fingers on his gloves. The only part he gets down is the Queen part. LAME. Randy laughs for awhile and then shouts “Fraudrick is back!” Penis. It was the best vocal of the night! I agree. But what was his competition? Ellen loved it, despite the penis. Skara loved the singing but felt like it was overdramatic and she wanted to laugh. At his penis. She begrudgingly repeats that his singing was good. Man people just hate him. That vocal was pretty awesome and still he’s just not not not likable. Simon says that it was better than the other stool sitters tonight but it belonged on penis Broadway. I hate that he always says that as a diss. I hope Patti Lupone drunkenly runs into him in a bar and whips out some Mama Rose on his ass. Penis.
Another Kris Allen Ford commercial. Just in case we forgot what the prize was. The pimp spot goes to Green Mile. He’s singing “This Woman’s Work”. After “A Man’s World”. He’s like a hack comic who opens with “women and men are SO different, ammiriiiiight?” Yes. Women change diapers and take care of children. Men LEAVE. He starts with a bizarre falsetto thing. Cuz that’s how the black guys are playin’ tonight, mkay? What the FUCK is this song? When did rhyming become unpopular in songwriting? He shakes his hand a bunch to let us know he’s feelin’ it. Then he kicks. LOL. Then he bounces and shimmies. Seriously. Then he lifts each leg a few times and finishes on a huge note. He ends in that screechy falsetto again. Best vocal of the night for sure. And still mostly lame. Randy what what yo’s, Ellen said the show just began. Skar is crying! LOL! It’s totes relevant! Sorry, but no rhyming. She says as a barren woman she totally related. I almost rewind, thinking I missed the point of that song. I thought it was about how things didn’t have to always RHYME. Simon says that this was needed cuz the rest of the show blew and it was the best performance of the season. Of the season? Jesus. Simon hates this show as much as I’m starting to. Then Skara stands, applauds, and tries to convince us that she’s crying even though there are still no tears squirting out. The only believable part is the “as a barren woman…” speech.
OK guys. WHAT?!?! I have heard bitches, moans and complaints all season about how mediocre this shit is, but I’ve been enjoying it like always. This is the first night that’s gone by that there hasn’t been one single performer for me to get behind. Well, except Tim Urban, but only cuz he screams BOTTOM. Am I too drunk to be writing? Wait. Don’t answer that. What did you think? Sorry about the flat out annoyed anger, but I write from the heart. I say Little Chicken, MexiGokey, Paige, and Katie are outsies tomorrow. WHAT SAY YOU?