American Idol: Mediocrity is the Goal. With a Little More Effort Y’all Might Get There! GUITAR

American Idol

By Flipit | Thursday, March 11, 2010 | 3:08 am | 34 Comments

Tonight, American Idol proves….well nothing. It proves nothing. But the women were better. There. You feeling sad yet? Wanna feel sadder? Keep reading.

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The only difference between you and me is MY TEARS ARE REAL! And you’re thinner. And prettier. And more barren. And richer. But we’re just as balding! Why do I feel the need to know you? WHY?!

First, a word from the show that came on at 8 instead of American Idol. It’s called Human Target.

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Hate it already.

A fire going towards explosives all slowly to build suspense?!? BULLSHIT! Did this exact same thing happen last night on Lost and I was totally in love with it? YES. What does that make me? A HYPOCRITE! Ok now that that’s settled, let’s get to it.

We open with Tinkercrest coming at the camera like a drunk perverted uncle who’s about to steal our innocence and our souls.

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I just woke you up to see if you wanted to maybe sit on my lap.

He walks down the line of boys and says their names all threateningly. Damn. MexiGokey is short.

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No wonder you couldn’t make it in a gang.

Fraudrick looks at him like

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Girl please. Talk to the brows.



Is Tink standing on a platform? Cuz there’s no way he’s taller than two thirds of the cast. Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy is now a member of the Gay Mr. Rogers Lion’s Club. Congrats buddy!

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Ellen is mockingly wearing horizontal stripes. She doesn’t, however, look fat. She still looks like a twelve year old boy with a waddle.

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Skara took my advice and got herself some bangs. Thinning hair? GONE! See what a good gay can get you?

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Also we can get you lots of free condoms from gay bars so there’s no evidence when rape kits are done on the teenage boy contestants.



Simon’s in a super classy tee that’s open down to his belly. Do you need a picture? No you don’t. Cuz you’ve seen this ninety percent of the past nineteen years or whatever. Tink asks Simon and Skara why they’re always close this year. Cuz Skara’s pathetic? Well that can’t be the answer. So Skara says that Simon is the one perpetrating the faux Paula-less flirting, but she’s clearly up his hole. If she had butt hair hanging out of her mouth right now would you be surprised? No. No you would not. Unless you assumed his butt got waxed with the rest of his chicken skin.

Anyways, Skara says that he currently has one beard but he’s rich enough to deserve two so here she is. Then Tink reminds us all that he dated Teri Hatcher for like five minutes and we all yawn. Tink says Skara is Simon’s binky. LOL. We all know what that’s code for! All together! BEEEARD! You’re a good class. Skara cracks up and whispers to Simon what Tink meant. Randy laughs at nothing, and Ellen goes over her shopping list.

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Saran Wrap, hair gel, toilet paper, saran wrap…wait how many times is that gonna be on my list? When will they come out with female condoms that don’t look like cow udders WHEN?!?! I hope someone uses a guitar so I can ask if it’s a flute or something. That’ll be hilarious and tomorrow my ratings will be through the roof. Why does women’s basketball suck so hard? Lemondrops. Pinstripes. Penises. EW I can’t believe I just thought that.



This is the most important night of the guys’ lives!!!!!!!!!!!! Did all those exclamation points get you prepared for the AWESOMENESS and LIFE CHANGEiness of this show? Good. Buckle up. Up first with “Fireflies” is Lee. Oooh ! I wonder if he’s gonna be all growly and off key! Well, he’s playing an acoustic guitar tonight instead of an electric. And I think he’s shaven his poseur patch and goatee!!

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On the downside, he’s developing a fauxhawk. This town is a child ruiner.

Wait. The mic was hiding the goatee and poseur patch. Damn. So wait. Now he’s got a goatee, a poseur patch AND a fauxhawk? He’s dead to me. The plaid is the cherry on the dead to me sundae.

He is growly and super flat and super marry-able. It’s my dream to find a super cute talented husband who’s just a smidge not talented enough to actually make it. That’s how you control those fuckers. I don’t get it. The song, the voice, the plaid, the faux,…I think I would be ok with this, but it lasts fifteen seconds and at least ten of those were off key. FAIL. Now cry and then come to papa. Randy didn’t really get it, but then changes his mind and says Lee worked it out. Ellen says it was pitchy cuz Randy’s too fuckin lame to say it. Skara says he looked confident, and Lee says proudly “I had fun!” Yeah now have fun and try to sing the actual NOTES. Simon says that there’s nothing to rave about and there was no “moment” but he’s seen the progress and it’s awesome and then keeps kissing his ass. OK is this shit pre written? Cuz that was blaringly lame.

Then Lee whips out his most awkward move…he SPEAKS. Shhhhhhhh. Just look pretty and dewy eyed. That blew hard enough without your shyly terrible grasp on the English language. It’s already time for a commercial. I hope we get a five minute ad about how awesome Human Target is!! Sorry, not buyin that shit. And how many calories does AT&T have? Cuz Luke Wilson is turning into Delta Burke right before our very eyes.

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This guy is on so many Ford commercials! He’s famous! Ew he sings? No. No. No. Just…I don’t know. Drive away. And try to hit Adam Hambert while you’re at it. Could you guys imagine Hambert in these Ford commercials? The producers couldn’t either. Hence, the Kris win.



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Cotton. Cuz leather is MEEEAN. Suck my dick, vegan ho. And stay off Top Chef!!

Carol Brady is singing “Trouble.” Wait, didn’t another contestant sing that this year? Or was it last year or the year before? Yes and yes and yes. Does American Idol only buy the rights for like twenty songs or what? UGH. Ok I take the ugh back, only cuz Carol is so damn cute. He looks comfie tonight and has dropped the fake “I’M SKERD” act. He’s behind a guitar, as well. I agree with our beloved commenter…sorry I’m too lazy to look up who said it but I agree with the commenter who said it’s kinda unfair that some people get to rely on actual instrumental talent instead of stage presense. Bullshit! Get a personality!!

That said, Carol Brady can sing. He has that nasal growl Hootie thing going on, and he does it well. Song? Boring and predictable, cuz we’ve heard it a million times, but he does right by it. I really wish he’d curl the bottom of that mullet again, though.

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In the chorus, he starts sounding like he’s imitating an adult that he’s heard on the radio, but that’s kinda how it goes for contestants from now on. Whoever can imitate a real singer best wins! He flattens out badly on his last note, but it’s nothing compared to the boring ass bs he dished out for the fifteen seconds he was allotted. Randy gives a really long critique that basically amounts to “meh.” Ellen brings up a banana again. Obsessed much? Try a COCK. Or new joke writers. She says that she hopes he doesn’t become a cocky banana cuz no one likes those. Well, you don’t. But some people don’t substitute bananas for actual cocks and we like them however we can get them. Wait. What? I don’t know. Let’s move on.

Skara says he’s standing in his own way cuz he’s not letting go. Or something. How bout “that was boring please don’t be boring any more.” Simon agrees and says that he still doesn’t seem relaxed and should imagine Randy in a bikini. Cuz at least vomiting in front of thirty million people would be entertaining. Simon says that he will make sure Randy shows up in a bikini next week. Aren’t ratings declining already? Simon’s so doing this shit on purpose. Skara jokes that Randy will be in a bikini and Simon will be in a binky. That makes no sense. Raise your hands if you’re surprised that barren sad ass Skara doesn’t know what a binky is? No one? Next song!

Tim Urban is next singing “Hallelujah”. UGHUGHASGDLGihasdfogihq[origbh COME OOOOOON!!!! There are millions of fucking songs in the world and they can choose anything they want!! Granted, this isn’t as steep a hill as a Kelly Clarkson song cuz the last time it was sung on this show it was by Kris Allen and the only reason I even remember who he is is because FORD keeps shoving his pasty bald sideways faced ass down my throat every six minutes. ORIGINALITY!!!! For fuck’s sake. I’m sorry for all the cursing but there are those of us still attempting to take this mess of a season seriously. Or at least trying to not change the channel. Make an effort!!

Another guitar. Wowee! Someone needs to come out and just play their armpit farts. That would at least be NEW. One thing that’s super important when you’re singing a song that’s been sung on this show a million times is to bring something new to it. And Tim does!! He’s the WORST FUCKING VERSION EVAH! Congrats!! Here are the hotel room keys. You’ll be on tour for a whole summer before you go back to cleaning up poop stains out of the Applebee’s family changing restroom.

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Your Farrah Fawcett with Spit Ends do almost distracted me from your shit vocals. ALMOST. RIP Farrah!

My anger aside, this is Urban’s best vocal so far. I can’t wait to see him rip up the high notes. So far he’s staying low and split endy. His diction is also really good, cuz I never realized that there were lyrics in this song that went “how to shoot at somebody who I’ll true ya.” HUH? He avoids the high notes and takes them down a register. So he’s learned not to try to sing notes he can’t hit, yet he still chooses songs with lots of high notes in them. I don’t know what’s worse. That wasn’t as bad as I figured it would be, but not even close to being good. Randy says “pretty good”, Ellen says that she’s been mean to him so far and even though she wasn’t happy he had the nerve to sing that song she’s gonna…run up and hug him!! Ew.

Skara says that she thought he was out before, but he proved himself and he’s the best out of the boys so far. You know, better than the other two that went already. Simon says that he’s responsible for Tim doing well cuz he needed a confidence boost. Simon says he’s had a big hit with that song (we know Simon we heard it TWO WEEKS AGO) and Tim didn’t top it but still did well. Great. I hope we hear this five more times this season. And throw in some Kelly Clarkson! And some Aretha! Tim was the best he’s ever been, and it was still SUCK.

MexiGokey is next, and he’s with his guitar! And also Randy’s sweater from last night.

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Your arm looks like a toll bridge.

Guitars should no longer be allowed. He tells Tink “I’m gonna go back to the roots man.” I don’t know if this means gang territory or a Paula Abdul song, but I’m hoping both. He feels just as good as he did with “Straight Up”. LOL he’s singing “Genie in the Bottle.” He does the exact same thing he did with “Straight Up.” He takes a skank song and does it acoustic style with as much caucasian infused as possible. Sorry, but I hate Gokey, and I hate Sebilia, the Project Runway winner with a tattoo on his neck. HATE. Same shit, different whore cover. This one’s all off key and shaky and off rhythm, and I’m annoyed. I need to program a shortuct key that will type out “OUT OF HALF A MILLION AUDITIONERS THIS IS THE BEST YOU COULD DO??!!??”

Randy likes that he’s wearing the Ross version of the sweater he wore last night, but the compliments end there. He wasn’t feelin it, and he doesn’t like to be outfatted. Ellen loved the song choice but it got good too late in the game. Skara says AGAIN that he peaked too early and he was off rhythm with the guitar and she’s disapoooooointeeeeed! WAAAH!! Simon agrees with her and adds that he looked desperate and uncomfortable. He’s got a good voice but he’s still going backwards. Tink asks if he would have sung the Paula song if he knew that he would be downed week after week for not topping it. He answers “I would, cuz that’s me” and says the fans are keeping him here. I don’t think I’ve ever actually crossed my fingers in hopes of a drive by until tonight.

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EW. DIE.



Prettiness is singing Keith Urban tonight. He’s got a guitar! CARAZZZZY!!! He’s conditioned his hair. YAY!

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Do some pushups and you’ll RULE THE WOOORLD!!

Wow. Sorry to use the word “boring” so much, but I don’t have a thesaurus handy and American Idol doesn’t have any original talent handy. Conundrum! That song was like a glass of milk with toast crumbs in it. Great voice, no personality, charisma, or uniqueness. Randy yawns and swallows a five dollar Little Caesars. Ellen says it was great and he looks super comfortable sitting down. LOL. What a compliment! Skara only has half a labia hardon and wants more spark. Simon says it was his second best performance and it made him sincere. This shit is so lame I’m not even gonna wait til the end of that bs critique. FF. Casey injects zero personality into his interview section. Consistency!

Little Chicken is next. He’s channeling Meatloaf tonight, trying to sound all deep and manly. It’s cute and hilarious. He does that pelvis bump thing, even though he’s singing a ballad. I didn’t even pause to hear the title of the song, but I remember changing radio stations when it came on in the past. Little Chicken gives it his pelvic pumpin best, and even clicks his eyebrows three times like tiny little feet trying to get home. That was….effortful. He gave it his all, that’s for sure. It looked easy not. This group of guys is working super hard, but we’re at the forty minute mark and the only reason I’m still typing is cuz I took a diet pill with the last martini of the night. There’s a reason ephedra’s illegal. It leads to super angry gay bashing child hating blogs on the internet. And heart attacks too.

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Do your kegels. You’re gonna need em. If you can learn to squeeze a penis as hard as you’re squeezing your throat you’ll at least have the chance of finding a husband with a job. His name won’t be Career, but it’s better that a lifetime of telemarketing.



Randy says Little’s “comin on” but needs to work his low notes. Ellen loves Little but he’s sounded better. Has he? Cuz I can’t remember one song he’s sung. She gets booed. Skara loves Little but says that the song is about calling home to talk to his kids and it’s not relevant. WHAT KIND OF ARTIST ARE YOU? Simon says Skara is full of shit and shouldn’t be so literal. The song is beautiful and even though it wasn’t a great vocal it was emotional. And very pelvic thrusting. Simon says that they are all confusing the contestants, which is true. But it’s also part of the fun, right? This group is no longer terrified and it’s lame. Fraudrick is next, and I’m actually hoping that he does well at this point.

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When did Jessica get a mustache? I like.



Tonight on the news, Simon talks about his new girlfriend.

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He got her spayed. Thankfully.



Fraudrick’s pulling a Gokey tonight. And by that, I mean look at his crotch.

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What a dick.

He’s singing Queen’s “Somebody to Love” and his first note is waaaaay off, which is surprising cuz his personality is grating but his voice is usually good. Pause. I’m gonna make an egg sandwich. I’m back. As I was making the eggs I wondered to myself if this snack was inspired by Fraudrick’s giant fake egg balls. Now I’m not hungry. First time I’ve stuck to my diet since 2007 so thanks, Fraud!

Fraud is all high at first, and it sounds beautiful. Like when your tea’s ready. Then he drops down into his lower register. It’s alarming. But not as alarming as the big backup singers that the camera guys are trying to make us look at instead of Fraud’s giant fake one.

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Those backup singers can wail! I say we give them a Ford and end this season early. Fraud gives a pretty good vocal performance with very white teeth and a giant penis. He’s only missing charisma and emotion. And fingers on his gloves. The only part he gets down is the Queen part. LAME. Randy laughs for awhile and then shouts “Fraudrick is back!” Penis. It was the best vocal of the night! I agree. But what was his competition? Ellen loved it, despite the penis. Skara loved the singing but felt like it was overdramatic and she wanted to laugh. At his penis. She begrudgingly repeats that his singing was good. Man people just hate him. That vocal was pretty awesome and still he’s just not not not likable. Simon says that it was better than the other stool sitters tonight but it belonged on penis Broadway. I hate that he always says that as a diss. I hope Patti Lupone drunkenly runs into him in a bar and whips out some Mama Rose on his ass. Penis.

Another Kris Allen Ford commercial. Just in case we forgot what the prize was. The pimp spot goes to Green Mile. He’s singing “This Woman’s Work”. After “A Man’s World”. He’s like a hack comic who opens with “women and men are SO different, ammiriiiiight?” Yes. Women change diapers and take care of children. Men LEAVE. He starts with a bizarre falsetto thing. Cuz that’s how the black guys are playin’ tonight, mkay? What the FUCK is this song? When did rhyming become unpopular in songwriting? He shakes his hand a bunch to let us know he’s feelin’ it. Then he kicks. LOL. Then he bounces and shimmies. Seriously. Then he lifts each leg a few times and finishes on a huge note. He ends in that screechy falsetto again. Best vocal of the night for sure. And still mostly lame. Randy what what yo’s, Ellen said the show just began. Skar is crying! LOL! It’s totes relevant! Sorry, but no rhyming. She says as a barren woman she totally related. I almost rewind, thinking I missed the point of that song. I thought it was about how things didn’t have to always RHYME. Simon says that this was needed cuz the rest of the show blew and it was the best performance of the season. Of the season? Jesus. Simon hates this show as much as I’m starting to. Then Skara stands, applauds, and tries to convince us that she’s crying even though there are still no tears squirting out. The only believable part is the “as a barren woman…” speech.

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OK guys. WHAT?!?! I have heard bitches, moans and complaints all season about how mediocre this shit is, but I’ve been enjoying it like always. This is the first night that’s gone by that there hasn’t been one single performer for me to get behind. Well, except Tim Urban, but only cuz he screams BOTTOM. Am I too drunk to be writing? Wait. Don’t answer that. What did you think? Sorry about the flat out annoyed anger, but I write from the heart. I say Little Chicken, MexiGokey, Paige, and Katie are outsies tomorrow. WHAT SAY YOU?

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

34 Comments

  1. 1
    soapboxx
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 4:34 am

    Ok now I know this show is fucked up because it turned you into Bill O’Reilly with the “what say you” line!

    “It’s my dream to find a super cute talented husband who’s just a smidge not talented enough to actually make it. That’s how you control those fuckers. ” HeeHee, too funny.

    Just when I think I can’t hate Skara anymore she FAKE CRIES! This show is sooo over. How many records has monkey boy sold? Probably none. I actually kind of liked Carol Brady this time, but only in comparison to how lame everyone else was.
    And please can no one ever wear a faux hawk again? That shit is so 90′s.

  2. 2
    fire@will
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 6:45 am

    When Carol Brady was singing, my daughter kept repeating the word “haircut”.

    I concur with your worst of the worst picks (but there are plenty of others I’d be happy not to waste any more time on).

    Thanks for being so quick!

  3. 3
    Sher
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 7:15 am

    LOL at the entire recap, Flip – and so fast! :)

    Okay, here’s the deal: I love Queen. Adore them. As anybody familiar with Queen knows, they are flamboyant and dramatic and if you’re gonna cover them, you have to be, too – and I think Fraud did great! Woot! (I can’t believe I’m saying this. For real, dawg.)

    Moving on…I am going to be honest here. I lurve MexiGokey. I love his voice, I love that he sang “Genie In A Bottle” by that stupid XTina hooker, and even though it wasn’t great, I don’t care – I’m on the MexiGokey train, dammit.

    Little sucked. That was painful. Urban actually didn’t tank, for once, but I really hate it when these people sing songs I really love in whack ass ways – see: Lilly Tina Youthers. So, screw you, Timmeh.

    Poor Lee. That song sucks, so it wasn’t great. I like him, too – he reminds me of this guy who used to work for me that I had to fire because of his raging coke habit. Good dude, otherwise.

    Carol Brady wasn’t bad (and I love that song, too, but he gets a pass because he didn’t shank it), but that song Big Mike sang by Maxwell is one of the most ridiculous pieces of crap I’ve ever heard, so FAIL. It was alright, but I can’t help it – my initial judgement of these people is generally based on what I think of the song. That one? BLOWS. And Skara crying FREAKED ME OUT. I had to drink like three more glasses of wine to get over it.

    Girls out: Paige and probably Gayken, as I said yesterday. Maybe Katie, unless the tweens rally.
    Guys out: hmmm. Who knows? Maybe Mexi, although I would be sad, since I think he’s got more talent in his neck tat than Timmeh has in his entire body.

  4. 4
    Sher
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Just read that the Top 12 will be singing the songs of the Rolling Stones next week.

    Oh shit.

  5. 5
    Krispydixie
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 7:49 am

    YOUR CAPS LOCK IS LOUD, YO…

    excellent recap tho ;)

  6. 6
    cattyfan
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 8:39 am

    What a trainwreck. I thought Little Chicken (aka Ellen’s Son) was horrific…Fraudrick was awful…Carol Brady bores me…good grief!

    I pretty much hated every performance last night…including Casey, who I normally love.

    Maybe I shouldn’t be watching this show anymore :(

  7. 7
    cattyfan
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 8:41 am

    And “relevant” is the new drinking game.

  8. 8
    cansnuts
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 8:48 am

    sweeeeet, love me some Stones. So as a Fraudrick hater, I actually did like his Queen cover. Mulletboy is still me fave guy. He looks like a younger Ben McKenzie from the OC (but with a mullet). I just want to squeeze him. I loved MexiGokey from his first audtion, but haven’t cared for him since the top 24. I don’t know now… Liked Casey’s, but I love that song. HATE HATE HATE that Fireflies song. Ugh hate that Hinder song Lee did last week too. Like his voice, but it’s pissing me off he picks songs I despise, so I can’t bring myself to like him, though he is sexy.

  9. 9
    Sher
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 9:01 am

    @cansnuts: I’m with ya – love the Stones. However, I’ve already convinced myself that this group is going to stink up the joint trying to cover them. Ugh.

  10. 10
    cattyfan
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Ray La Montagne, who gave us that awful “Trouble,” needs to be sued…as it is ripped off from Cat Stevens’s “Trouble” (a FAR better song.)

  11. 11
    cattyfan
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 9:13 am

    So…I’m contemplating what songs the contestants will murder next week.

    Imagine Lacey (Gayken) and her helium voice singing “I see a red door and I want to paint it black,” as she gazes into the camera with her glazed smile.

    Or Carol Brady taking a knife to “Angie.”

    MexiGokey watering it down to create a slow acoustic “Jumping Jack Flash.”

    OrganiJopin delivering “Mother’s Little Helper.”

    Fraudrick strutting through “Satisfaction.”

    Or Tina Youthers hicupping her way through “Sympathy for the Devil.”

    Then prepare to drink heavily.

    Any bets on who will shoot “Wild Horses”?

  12. 12
    Sher
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 9:18 am

    @cattyfan – “Any bets on who will shoot “Wild Horses”?”

    I’m guessing Sio, Queen of the Jorts, if anyone.

  13. 13
    itchy
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Why do they keep saying these people choose the wrong songs? I thought it was known that they have no choice, not really, at best they get to choose between one or another song from a very tight list and that’s it. It’s not like the band’s going to learn any old random thing they pick out of a hat.

    And it’s the producers fault for letting them ALL sing such boring fucking music. And the band’s fault for making even decent songs so boring.

    But none of this is Kara’s fault. NONE. She’s looking hot this season. That’s right. Me Likey. So lay the fuck off.

    These guys just blow. I almost had hope for Carol Brady, but really, can he be any more boring as a performer?

    Fraudrick just tries way too hard. Bet you he spent half of high school with his head shoved into a toilet.

    The big guy with the wee voice? Come on. It’s like watching a sumo wrestler.

    And don’t get me started on the doughboy latino Gokey fake.

    I really hope Gayken gets to stay. She’s got that whole Jagger look going for her already.

  14. 14
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Would love to deflower Alex Lambert and Tim U – both on the same night. Might be a short night, but heavenly all the same. I wish people would shut up about Alex’s hair and how it needs to be cut. I’d love to play with those long, fluffy ends during the deflowering. Since when did big ol’ Mike invent childbirth? He’s getting as repellent with that baby stuff as Gokey was with the dead wife. And laughed wickedly at the line about hoping for a drive-by in MexiGokey’s case. He needs to go. I can’t stand looking at his toad-like face anymore and his singing is as bland as flan without the caramel. Oh, God, they’re doing Stones next week? I love you, Mute Button!

  15. 15
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 9:59 am

    I am going to take a tire iron to the next five random people I see wearing fauxhawks.

    ‘Cause that shit HAS GOT TO STOP.

    Watch for me on the news. I’ll give TVgasm as shout-out if my face still works after the cops get through apprehending me.

  16. 16
    DonnaRonna
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 10:07 am

    I feel like we’ve really finally come to the point where AI has totally embraced the elementary school “everyone gets a trophy because they participated” strategy. They’ve always praised mediocrity to a degree, but now they’re woohooing horridness. Urban gets praised because he had a couple more in-tune notes than last week and he sang at least as well most pedestrians on the street do. What am I not hearing that the judges are hearing? I’m genuinely perplexed at how a COMPETITION can turn into a middle school talent show.

  17. 17
    swimbikerun
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Ugh, what a forgettable season. The guys may be boring, but at least they can sing on key. The girls? Yikes.

    On an AI-related note, the Bachelor wedding episode featured that dreadlocked AI kid from a few years ago (Jason something) playing a ukulele and singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. He was actually pretty good! Way better than any of the talentless hacks on this year’s AI.

  18. 18
    blazergirl
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Cattyfan, I love the suggestion of “relevant” for a drinking game. I would like to also add “wow moment” or “wow factor”

  19. 19
    here4beer
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 10:56 am

    I have a drinking game for you guys: every time I say “oh no” or “that sucked,” take a drink. Everyone will end up with a lovely hangover, I’m sure.

  20. 20
    flipit
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    how bout instead of coming up with a new drinking game we just all drink a lot while we watch. i usually avoid that, but i did it last night and it was super fun.
    and notwithoutmytv, PLEASE do that. i have been dying to know what you look like! is that creepy? i’ll end this comment now.
    love you guys

  21. 21
    ohhhyeah
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    You know, looking at that picture of Carol Brady (I don’t know his real name), if he chopped off the hair in the back he’d look just like one of the Beatles. Big Mike is a joke and that was not even close to being the best performance of the season. That’s all I’ve got, everything else has already been said above.

    Oh wait, wait. Itchy, I’ve been a Kara supporter since she first appeared and have never went along with all of the hatred, but the pathetic way she’s been acting the last couple of weeks have convinced me to purchase a ticket on the train to Ican’tstandKaraville. Christ woman, you’re on national television in front of millions of people and you can’t control your libido long enough to make a comment without looking to Simon for confirmation and rubbing up against him? If I was shopping at Target and two clerks started dry humping one another when I asked for the location of the furniture department I wouldn’t be ok with that, and I really don’t think it’s any more appropriate when two people are supposed to be judging a singing contest as opposed to making me want to vomit.

    Aren’t Kara and Simon already in relationships? I don’t follow these things but people keep saying Simon is engaged (true?), and they showed Kara’s husband, so I know she’s married. Well they must have some pretty understanding partners, because if I watched my significant other go on television week after week and not even have the decency to hide the fact she wanted to fuck her coworker, that would be the end of that relationship. Of course, if she were rich I’d have to take that into consideration, but you get my drift.

  22. 22
    bluzgirl
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Hold the phone–Flipit–did you just say you normally watch this withOUT drinking a lot? Wow–why, man, why???

  23. 23
    soapboxx
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    To: NotWithoutMyTV:

    Yes! I’ll supply the tire iron and the bail money. Just tell the judge the economy made you do it then you’ll get off.

    I was in an elevator and the Muzak was playing a song. I had to listen real close until I realized it was Muzak’s version of Brown Sugar, I kid you not, yet somehow I think next week will be worse.
    Maybe Mexigokey will do a slow acoustic version of Some Girls. That would keep the FCC on high alert.

  24. 24
    Sher
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    What the hell, flip? You normally avoid drinking while watching this?! Oh, man – what are you thinking?! Drink. Seriously. You’d be amazed at how much better the entire show becomes when you’re half lit!

  25. 25
    leslilly
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    No, please go ahead and keep using the word “boring”. I swear we lapsed into a coma while watching this POS last night. And my husband was like WTF is up with all the guitars? It should be called Guitar Hero or Guitar Idol…

  26. 26
    leslilly
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    “Those backup singers can wail! I say we give them a Ford and end this season early. Fraud gives a pretty good vocal performance with very white teeth and a giant penis.”

    ^^Thank you for this! Downright the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Love it!

    Oh and Skara…I finally hate her. Those tears were so fucking fake. Bitch – please!!

  27. 27
    leslilly
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    One last comment, I promise! As soon as Green Mile opened his mouth and let out that falsetto, my husband got up (from his coma) and bolted out of the room. Out of the house, in fact. Hahahahaha! I didn’t understand the fuss over GM’s performance.

  28. 28
    Mr Dangerous
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    If the boy singers had to perform NAKED every week I would pay much more attention to this show. As a matter of fact I would be glued to my TV set with a big magnifying glass.

    As of today, my interest in this show is waning.

    If the contestants aren’t going to perform naked than Randy, Simon and Ryan need to host the show naked.

    My point is they need to bring some NAKED element into this show ’cause I’m getting bored with it.

  29. 29
    juddfan
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Count me in on the drinking “enhancing” this show, but I agree, just chug–there’s so many reasons to do so, esp this season.

    I must take umbrage on one thing tho . . .

    (clears throat, mounts soapbox)

    First of all, “This Woman’s Work” is a Kate Bush song that Maxwell covered (tho BM does sing his version)

    Second, it’s a song about a man whose wife is dying and he regrets not feeling like he’s ever done enough for her–too sad! If you knew the song, I’m sure it would have come across better for you, but I can see why, if you’d never heard it, it would sound strange.

    And lastly, tho I didn’t care much for the falsetto intro, or the typical way he carries himself singing such a sad song (ie: When a man is pleading for his pain and guilt to be taken away, it is not a good time for a glory note) The point is, I cried and cried and cried–and not just little sniffles, big giant Boo Hoo’s . .

    go on, judge me, it’s okay . . . my only excuse is one of my kitties is dying and I am a little sensitive, and yo, had a couple drinks too–but it is a truly sad song, I only wish he had done it with more restraint.

    Anyhoo, glad I had a “moment” with this f’in’ season finally . . .

    I’m not particularly thrilled for Rolling Stones week, hope I’m proven wrong. If Gayken’s still there, she could possibly kill with “White Horses” (hee-the Sunday’s did it)

    And also, on song choice, itchy’s right, but sometimes I think they try and get the rights, and if they can’t, it’s time to spin the also ran dial and pick your plan B. It happened to Glambert, didn’t it?

    Poor, poor Mexi–I fear that’s it for him . . . he really should have made the tour, his Straight Up would have been a crowd pleaser.

    Anyhoo, thanks as always flip, and all these comments–look at us go!

  30. 30
    Mr Dangerous
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    I got an idea. How about NAKED GO-GO BOYS behind the singers and then when the singers are boring and bad I can concentrate on the NAKED GO-GO BOYS.

  31. 31
    itchy
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    You’d think by now they’d have a channel just for you, Mr. D.

    “Alternative” versions of all your favorite reality shows.

    The typical satellite can broadcast 3,000 channels simultaneously at this point, surely they could do this?

  32. 32
    juddfan
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    I’d be content with a naked Matt Roger’s in a thought bubble above Ryan’s head . . .

  33. 33
    Sher
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    You are absolutely correct, juddfan (I’m sorry to hear about your kitty) – “This Woman’s Work” is originally a Kate Bush song. I gotta tell you, though – the Maxwell version sucks. I’m not sure why I feel that way, but I do. It is an incredibly sad song, and maybe that’s why I wasn’t wild about the performance – because I felt like all that posturing, and kicking, and whatever the hell else ol’ Green Mile was trying to do was just ruining the entire deal. And the falsetto? Maxwell does it too, and he sounds just as stupid as GM did!

    Okay, climbing off my soapbox with you. :)

  34. 34
    juddfan
    Posted March 11, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Thanks Sher! I’m sure I’m just overly sensitive, but I have squeezed a few saltys before on this show . . . guess I’m a big softy after all.

    Haven’t heard the whole Maxwell–I’m sure I will tho, everyone is chasing me and playing it trying to make me cry–okay, not really, but it seems like it! After Kara was crying, I didn’t expect to be soooo alone . . . In hearing the beginning, it was interesting to hear him imitate her in that way, let’s face it, Miss Bush is shrill . . . if the whole song is like that, I’m gonna agree that Green Mile played it better dropping down an octave.

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