American Idol: Nigel, Come Home Baby

Tonight, American Idol gets off to a really painful start and Ted Danson is still alive.

Tink welcomes us to another season of American Idol, as if this shit hasn’t already been going on for like twenty hours this year. He’s wearing a sweater and open shirt. Where’s the tie? Where’s the shiny gelled hair? I know the plan was to change it up this year, but leave Tink alone. He’s starting to look like Ellen DeGeneres.

I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: ‘Ohhh my God, you’re thin.’ AMIRIGHT?!?

Tink jokes that the judges table is starting to look like The View with all those saggy boobs. Joy Behar wishes she was this hot.

He welcomes Skara DeLaGuardia to the table and then says hi to Paula, who’s dressed like she just robbed a boutique in Little Armenia. She would say hi, but she’s busy doing a puppet show for herself.

You’re a gift.

You are!

And last but not least, lets welcome home Simon Cowell, who’s been away for months working on his own personal multi-million dollar bailout.

Your secret’s safe with me!

Tink asks Randy now that they’re onto the live performance rounds what the singers should be focusing on. Good question! Well, they could study up and further their education so that they can get degrees and better the world, or they can just take the stage and suck less than the people around them. Randy mumbles dawgs and wha?s out for a couple minutes, but when I put his answer into Google Translate, all I came up with was “sing good scooby doo my little pony obama”. Whatevs, thanks for being here.

Skara says that the most important thing for the kids to remember tonight is to be themselves, as long as they’re not ugly or boring or too talented to make it on their own. Paula mutters that it’s “a tough kinda season this year” and if the kids don’t make magic in a minute and a half then look to the left, look to the right, and then stop drop and roll. Then she closes one eye and goes back to her puppet show.

Simon says that this year is different because there are no second chances and only three people are going through to the next round, then the top twelve will be rounded out by three more contestants on wild card night. Only three? Harsh! I likey! Then Simon compliments Tink’s new hair color and says he’s trying to Single White Female him. That explains Tink’s stuffed saggy training bra.

The theme tonight is any song from Billboard’s Top 100 of any time period. Jackie Tohn’s up first. Her backstory is that she’s an entertainer for a living. That’s not very specific, which means she’s either a stripper or a clown at kid’s birthday parties. I’m going with both.

She’s singing “A Little Less Conversation” by the Elv. She starts it off slow and it sounds pretty awesome, but then she speeds it up (not enough) and tries really hard. She gets a little goofy and starts dancing, and it’s uncomfortable. Then she runs out of breath. She’s also dressed like the new Barry Manilow, which doesn’t help. That kinda sucked it.

She said in her intro that her goal was to get Paula to dance, which happened. And that’s really really tough to do.

Who told Paula it was time for a bathroom break?

Randy tells her that her vocals weren’t all that but she’s a good entertainer. That’s the theme of the season. Skara is nice and tells her she has a big personality and an even bigger mouth. Skara compliments her hideous trousers and she thanks Randy for loaning them to her. LOL. Paula says everyone fell in love with her (?) and Simon says she has a good voice but she acted like a clown. The audience boos him and he says that by acting like a jackass tonight, America’s gonna boot her. Oh, and hate the pants.

Her parents are waiting for her in the balcony with Tink. Huh? Now we have to see parents? Where was this segment last year? We could have had ringside seats to watch The Fetus’ Dad making his kid cry after a performance. Now we’re just stuck with Tohn’s dad, who looks like a homeless version of Mr. Miyagi. The parents of course both say they’re real proud and all that. Tink tells Mama Tohn to look into the wrong camera and tell Simon off. She can’t think of anything to say but “as a motha…uh….which camera?” Tink tries to get the dad to say something next.

You got a dolla?

Jackie interrupts and says that she didn’t give a killer vocal performance cuz she’s up against people who can really sing so she wanted to show that she’s “the rocker chick” instead of singing “and youah, and youah, and youah!” LOL.

Any regrets? “Nah, dude!” Get it? Cuz she’s a rocker. A meek, shy little fella named Ricky Braddy is next. We got to see him getting moved on, but nothing was really ever shown of his personality, and his interview with Tink makes clear why. He talks with the mic between his legs, like it’s a prop. Dude. It’s on. Tink doesn’t bother telling him so it’s hard to hear about his spiritual journey as a chicken finger cook. He says that one day he woke up and realized making chicken fingers wasn’t his dream. Yeah no shit. Who dreams of making chicken fingers for a living?

Besides this obviously content and well rounded intellect.

His plan was to move on to something exotic, like gyros, but then he heard about the AI audition and decided to give it a go. His goal tonight is to really show America who he is, which he’s apparently gonna do by dressing like Fauxhawked Widower.

This isn’t the audition for the new Gay Best Just Friends, buddy.

He’s pretty cute and has a gorgeous voice. Seriously beautiful. But wow, is he boring. He sang “Song for You” by Leon Russell and I looked at the clock a few times as he warbled on and on. He hit some high notes flawlessly and really showed that he’s got some talent. But damn. There wasn’t even anything to make fun of. Except for his poorly waxed eyebrows, but it looks like that’s gonna be a common problem this year so I’ll just let it slide. I just felt an eye boogar form.

Well Ted Danson liked it. WTF?

I can’t believe Braddy’s so snore, because it looks like he’s the spawn of purebred party people.

Tomorrow we’re gonna wake up real early and hunt down Pat Sajak’s star on the boulevard!

Randy says his voice is gorge and it’s the best season ever. Skara puts the mic in her mouth and says he’s brilliant. Then we just hear her gurgle breathe. Gross. Did the sound guy not give all the newbies a speech about how to use the mics tonight? Lazy bastard. Paula points out that he wasn’t featured at all in any of the audition rounds but is proud that he just showed America that he deserves to go far in the competition. Simon, as usual, nails it. He says that the song was pretty but the poor kid has no star quality. He does say that it’s not a total loss if Braddy can just figure out how to get some charisma somewhere. Just change your personality and you’ll be great! And then, just like that, Braddy pulled out a reason to keep him!

Nice work! You oughtta be in pictures!

Tink asks him how he feels and once again, Braddy has no mic. This is just getting sad. Alexis Grace is next. We see her first audition as a fresh faced innocent and then the judges tell her to “dirty it up”, which she took to mean “whores work”.

Yowza! You’ll be pregnant again in no time!

She sings Aretha’s “Never Loved a Man”, which is ballsy. She does a pretty good job with the belting. One things for sure, she just beat the crap out of Jackie Tohn. She seems to lose confidence around the middle section, bones a couple of riffs, and chickens out on one of Aretha’s high scream/notes, but all in all, the girl can wail. And looky there, Ted Danson liked her too. I think Ted Danson just senses that Ted Danson hasn’t had a closeup yet. Ted Danson.

Hi! I’m Ted Danson!

Randy says they told her to dirty it up and “you done found the dirt, you done found the soul!” He ended with “You worked it out! What? Mom! What?”

Black people talk funny.

Skara tells her “the genie is out of the bottle tonight!”, which is a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one.

Horton Hears a Ho

Skara says “that girl we saw? In that audition city? It’s not the same girl! It’s a different girl!” I’ll give you five bucks to remember her name, Skara. I’m much much happier with Paula tonight. She usually waits til we’re a little further in the season before she starts showing up completely trashed. She doesn’t make much sense, but she remembers to plug her line of Reynolds Wrap QVC jewelry. Way to function.

Soul. Passion. Confidence. Forever Your Girl Jewelry.

Paula stutters out a monologue about expectations of a short person, being small outside and big inside, and small big big small. Forever Your Girl. Look it’s Ted Danson!

Go ahead! Try to make a goal!





Help.

Simon says Grace is by a mile the best so far and compares her to Kelly Clarkson. You know he’s just doing that to piss off Kelly. I hope she sticks around. I predict less and less clothing each week. Her dad and his girlfriend are waiting with Tink, who asks rocker roadie dad how he feels. “It’s awestruck!”

I look forward to hearing more from you in the future, good sir.

Tink asks Alexis what she’ll tell her kid about all this in the future. “Mommy auditioned for a show called American Idol, made it, and had a great time! And if people think you’ll put out they’ll like you more. Grandpa’s honking. See you next year, sucka!” Tink intros Brent Keith, but this chick comes on the screen. You can practically hear Simon Fuller, the other Simon, shouting.

I said get me the cowpoke footage. Cowpoke! You’re all morons! Get Nigel on the phone I’ll give him whatever he wants!

Get this show a stage manager! The wrong video was loaded, so Tink decides to wing it but doesn’t really have enough wit or personality to carry that off without a prompter. It’s almost as uncomfortable as when Brad and Angelina blew him off on the red carpet. But just as fun. Finally, the video loads and Brent has some apple pie story about working at Homo Depot before coming here. Let me guess. Your dream wasn’t to make chicken fingers. He doesn’t mention being on Nashville Star, which is a mistake to cover up. Everyone’s saying that he has an unfair advantage, but come on. He lost Nashville Star. He should use it to elicit sympathy. Come on man, you’re up against a grieving widower! Bring out the big guns! He says that he and his wife are brizoke and he just wants one more chance at a better life.

When his song starts off with “Little Jimmy Jackson, was driving up his Bronco” I kinda tune out. Brent does the country bounce and the I can heal you hand and shakily grinds out a country song called “Hick Town.” So, is country music being ironic? Or is it serious? I can’t tell. He’s cutish enough to get hick town’s vote, but he’s pretty average as a singer. And his weird nostril flare bugs. Meh. He has wife abuser face. That’s all I can think.

Can you point me towards the caulk?

Randy yos and whats and says Brent brings a new edge to country and he can imagine being at a chile cookoff with him and Simon could be on the steer. I don’t think anyone’s ever used “I can imagine being at a chile cook off with you” as a compliment before, so judge points for that. Otherwise, wtf? New edge to country? He bounced up and down and nasally pumped out a song called “Hick Town.” Skara thinks that he has more than he showed and he should have been riskier. “I hope I get one more chance!” One more? This was your one more! Back of the line, looza! Paula agrees that he should have been riskier but “I can see you as a country singer, like Bucky Covington!” LOLOLLL. Bucky? Well ain’t that a kick in the nuts. On cue, Simon asks “what has happened to Bucky Covington?” Hilarious. He adds that Brent probably just blew it by being forgettable. Brent flares his nostrils and says he doesn’t think country fans will forget that. Riiiight. Your version of that brilliant tune is gonna be the next Sean Hannity theme song. Sorry, Martina McBride! “Hick Town”‘s taking over.

Tink asks his wife if she’s put a time limit on Brent’s dreams and she says no she really likes supporting both of them while he begs TV to like him again. Brent looks pissed off, and says he isn’t regretful of his song choice because this was his one chance to show America what kind of artist he’s gonna be and this is the kind of music he will make. A few months of shite songs like that may put me over the edge, but part of me hope he pulls through, if only to be able to take his girlfriend in for The Works package at SuperCuts.

Bang bang! Bang bang bang!

Stevie’s next. She’s a corn fed girl with a big toothy smile. She looks like that girl from grade school who made dream catchers for people and got her hair cut by her mom and smelled a little bit like fertilizer and laughed way too loud and snorted a little. You know the one.

First mess of the night. She sings Taylor Swift’s “You Belong with Me.” She starts off way too low and can’t hit any notes. Her smile gets bigger and more desperate. Then she takes it up an octave and it sounds like she might have a chance for a couple seconds but then she’s shaky, waaaaay off key, and she won’t stop bouncing. Ouch. At one point she looks she’s having the waiter’s nightmare.

There are just too many people and they want too much and I just can’t waaaake uuuuuup!

She runs out of breath but keeps squealing away and then completely obliterates her money note. Poor Jamar the Gay Best Just Friend is probably sitting at home piercing himself in awkward places and trying not to cry right now. Randy says that it wasn’t good and if she performed like that the first time she wouldn’t be here. Skara says that they told her to be young but choosing Taylor Swift was ridiculous. Paula agrees with the others. Simon tells her flat out that it was bad, she was off key and nervous, and there’s no chance in hell she’s moving on. But think of it this way! Twenty five million people just saw that! Even Ted Danson is mortified.

Her mom thinks that it’s confusing because first the judges told her that she was singing songs she was too young for, and now they’re making her out to be Baby Jane.

There goes my dream of boning The Jonas Brothers.

Anoop is next. I really like Anoop because he’s completely self unaware. He looks like the dude who you’re afraid will berate you at the Geek Squad for not knowing DOS, but in his mind he’s Ricky Martin.

Alright, sex machine. That’s enough.

He tells us that he wants to sing songs “I’ve been wanting to hear other people sing since I’ve been watching American Idol.” What, no Barry Manilow then? Neil Diamond? No? I’m hoping for a little Alka Yagnik with a montage of a car chase and belly delly dancers and contortionist midgets on the screen behind him, but unfortunately he shuns Bollywood and goes with “Angel of Mine” by Monica. He has a beautiful voice, when he’s on key. To be fair, I can’t tell if he’s off or the backup singers are sabotaging him. They never show back up singers, but they can be evil evil people. He’s boring as hell, but he makes lots of funny sex faces at the camera to make up for it. The best part is when he starts dancing a bit. It’s hilarious. I have faith in Anoop. If anyone can bring back the bowl haircut and Elaine Benes dancing, it’s this guy.

Randy’s got mad love for Anoop, but he says it in that head patty “there there maybe next time you won’t suck so bad” kinda way. He didn’t like the song and says Anoop was off key the whole time. Skara thinks he’s connected to the music but couldn’t handle all the riffs. Paula agrees but thinks America loves him so he’ll be sticking around. She also compares him to Brian McKnight, which is just wrong. Simon gives him shit about the song too, saying it was too serious and adult. Anoop goes into a big excuse about the song meaning being grateful and blahblahblah. Simon says he should thank America for forgetting that song and hope they’ll wipe the slate clean. Tink asks Noop how he feels and he says that he gives credit to the band. Slam!

Casey Carlson is next, and she ups the ante by introducing The Mystery of the Giant Head. I don’t know what’s up, but it looks like she’s hiding a small child on her scalp.

Casey is 20 and works at a tea shop. She’s a pretty girl and seems very sweet, but she says that she picked Jordin Spanx’ song, Tattoo, for her audition because Spanx is her favorite so she’s lost all credibility with me. No one who reveres Spanx as a brilliant vocal talent has a chance of not sucking. Tonight she’s singing “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” by the Police. She makes really annoying faces, winks at the crowd, dances back and forth off rhythm and murders the song. How the? Why the? What the?

Marylin Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday blows this out of the water. In North Hollywood there’s a little dive bar that has porn star karaoke, and your favorites from the five for ten dollar dvds show up and work their magic. I think I will be seeing Casey there very soon. When she’s old enough to drink, of course. The porn industry has standards. Randy just says “wow” and then takes a beat before saying “the dog was lost”. Then he and Skara sing “everything about that is wrong”. Skara says that no one should ever touch the police. Oh come on. Maybe she shouldn’t, but Sting’s no Mariah. Paula tells her she’s real perty, which is the kiss of death. Meanwhile, Casey pouts in ten different ways.

Was it my head?

Simon asks her how she thinks it went and she defiantly says “I had fun!” Skara’s like good honey glad you had fun cuz that’s all the fun you’re gettin. Simon says at least something positive came out of it. LOL. He adds that she didn’t show what kind of artist she wanted to be. I disagree with that. I think she made it pretty clear that she wants to be the kind of artist that makes songs heavy on dance beats and vocal effects with videos that showcase her walking through the rain in a white t-shirt. It’s called art, judges. Paula jumps back in and mentions the douchey faces and the winking and Simon says “that’s the least of your problems, the winking.” HAHA. Ok guys, we get it. Let the poor girl go Windex her pole before she’s docked pay for being late.

Tink has smartened up and walked to the top of the staircase so the other contestants can’t try and group hug her and mess up his interview. Casey’s mom won’t have it though. She pushes the fairy out of the way and grabs her kid and says “you rocked! You rocked!” This mom seems sweet on the surface, but she’s filled her untalented daughter’s head with delusions and now the girl’s gonna go through life being smacked on her giant head by reality left and right. CHILD ABUSE! If your kid is ugly, make them study hard so they’ll eventually have money on their side. Don’t smack some lipstick on them and tell them they’re gonna be the next Angelina Jolie.

Next stop, Broadway! Have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone!

Casey tells Tink she could have chosen a better song “but I had a blast out there!!!” Her mom yells “Vote for Casey!” and the audience has no response. LOL bitchy audience. Oil Rig Bear’s up next to sing “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw, because he doesn’t want to be anything other than what he is right now. Except rich. And famous. And not an oil rig worker. I have a feeling he hasn’t really read the lyrics. When he starts, I immediately go into a trance. He’s taken Fantasia’s “sing ugly” advice to the next level.

He country/rocks the song up and it’s pretty busted. Bouncing gets him all out of breath and he growls into the mic and misses every single riff and more than half the melody. He goes for a high note and the audience starts to “woo” but then he bones it hard and the “woo” turns into a collective groan, like he just crashed into the wall. During his intro he said he just wanted to be here to make a better life for his family, so I feel bad for him.

Welcome to your new home, honey.

Randy says he has a good voice but didn’t perform the song well and he shoulda stuck to soul. Skara says he’s done better. Paula liked it, but didn’t like how he kept changing the mic from hand to hand. ?? How could you even see the mic? All I could see was that face. Simon says he’s glad “to give people like you an opportunity.” Thanks, Florence Nightingale. He says if he gets through it will be because he’s likable and he hopes he gets another chance.

Gavin McGraw, consider yourself crucified.

Tink asks Oil Rig Bear’s wife what advice she gave him before the show, and she says she always tells him “sing pretty.”

Perfect! Places!

Next up is Anne Marie, the demo singer from Nashville that Simon refused to pass until she put on some makeup and hoed it up a bit. She didn’t go as far as Alexis Grace, settling on a nice eyeshadow and lip gloss instead of fishnets and water bras. She sings the most rhythmless soulless version of “Natural Woman” ever. It seems like it will get better when she starts belting, but nope. How can a demo singer have no rhythm? Looks like the whole choosing hot girls with minimal talent’s really working out this season, guys. HOW?

I can put my fist in my mouth.

Maybe I missed something. Ted Danson is enthralled.

Ted Danson!

And look! That’s Gay Best Just Friends next to him! And he’s got a giant gash in his cheek where his bat used to be. I’ll bet he blames his piercing for his loss. It can’t feel good to see these stupid hot girls with no talent blow their chances when he’s stuck with a gaping wound next to Ted Danson.

Randy starts with “aw, yo,” which is “oh no” to the rest of us. He asks how she did, which can’t be good. She of course says “great!” and he’s like eer wrong! Skara says the song is too old fashioned and she should sing something else. Demo’s all “something not as good?” LOL. Where is that attitude on stage girl? Simon cracks up at that and Skara gets tongue tied and ends with “awkward!” Paula says that Demo did better than she has yet, which is really fucked up because she shouldn’t be standing there. I wish I was there to pat Gay Best’s cheek with rubbing alcohol and tell him it’s all gonna be ok.

Simon says that she only got a standing o from Ted Danson because he’s easy to please and that song destroyed her. Owee. Doogie Howser is also there, and he’s laughing at all this. Love him. Her mom thinks she was awesome, so those judges must be deaf. Tatiana keeps randomly getting into the frame and it’s killing me.

So Tati how did you feel about that?

Demo sits on her mic pac and you can hear the crunch against her bones. She says “I just sat on the hard part!” and Tink says now he can hear everyone’s jokes. HAHA. She would at least get some votes if she’d sat on a big wanker. Tink doesn’t even bother talking to her, because really what better way to end a segment than with a degrading dick joke?

Stephen Fowler, the guy who forgot his words twice in Hollywood and walked off the stage, is next. He is grateful for his second chance, and I am too because he can actually sing, even though what do second chances lead to on this show? More pain. He’s doing MJ’s “Rock With You”. He doesn’t change it up at all. It’s the same synthesized 80′s vibe as the original, which is lame. He starts way off key and airy. The notes he does hit are nice, but they’re few and far between. He misses the big belt notes completely and ends in three different keys. OUCH. I totally thought he would do better than that. He cracks on a high note and then pulls the mic away from his face so we’ll think he’s singing even though he’s wussing out. Way to pull a Scarnato. His interpretive arm dancing was fun to watch, though. Wow. We’ve been through a lot of contestants and there is some major suckage going on here.

He dedicates this to the little people.

Randy says it was all over the place and it wasn’t good. Skara says he was better when he forgot the lyrics at the piano because at least he was connected. Fowl says he isn’t comfortable singing without the piano yet, but Paula says comfortable or not he shouldn’t touch MJ. He’s too old to try to get up in that. Simon says he wishes that he had forgotten the lyrics because at least there’d be another disaster to pay attention to other than the shit vocals. Fowl doesn’t have any family or friends there and it makes me wanna hug him. I wouldn’t though, because that might encourage him to sing something.

Will she jump before it’s her turn? Stay tuned!

Tatiana Bianca Maria Gutierrez Santa Maria Del Toro from Puerto Rrrrico is up next, and she has a very thick accent today. But only when she says her name and where she’s from. I hate when people do that. Does it give you more street cred to only roll your rrrs when you’re introducing yourself? Commit to that shit, Hispanic people! Montage of Tati in her crazy mermaid dress, fighting with her Hollywood group, and generally acting batshit crazy. She tells us that she was totally victimized during Hollywood week and then she fake cries about having a dream. She’s like Martin Luther King! But grosser. And dumber. And with pinker lips.

Come on. Cry. You can do it.

She’s singing Whitney’s “Saving All My Love for You”, but first we get clips of her photo session while she does her best to cry and convince us that she has a dream and her dream is her dream dream Ted Danson dream. This bitch is nuts.

She wanders out in a brunch at Denny’s dress and looks terrified. Or psychotic. I can’t tell which yet. She can’t stop staring into the camera the whole time, and I mean every single second.

If the camera went behind her her head would have snapped off.

She starts off a little softly, and we’re all on the edge of our seats waiting to see a trickle of pee drip down her leg, but it doesn’t happen. I think the vocal coach told her not to yell out the entire song, so she’s compensating by whispering for a half a minute. Sure enough, she drops that and starts belting the crap out of it. She’s not the best singer by far, but she’s sure as hell not the worst. Her vibrato is like a fifty year old cabaret singer’s and she looks like a trapped possum, but she nails her high notes even after flubbing almost all of the belt notes. I am proud of her for staying off meds the Scientology way and most of all, for being the first contestant of the night that didn’t cause coma saliva to drip down my chin. And when she ends like this, how can you not root for her at least a little?

There’s a reason why food and drinks aren’t allowed in the theater.

Randy says he was scared when he heard she was singing that song but was impressed that she had a couple of good moments and he actually says. “woah! This girl can sing!” Imagine that. He’s actually kinda disappointed. Skara says she’s a roller coaster and appreciates that she’s reserved tonight. Reserved? She looks tranquilized. She’s hit a weird Valley of the Dolls pose and is not saying a word. You know her friends were like “just don’t talk, Tati! DON’T TALK!”

Skara doesn’t know where she fits in the industry, and Tati finally speaks up with a brilliant answer. “I fit everywhere. Everything. It’s world music it’s all genres.” At one time. Skara acts all offended that she was interrupted. “You told me!” Why is Skara even here? Anyone? I thought Paula would be nice, because she’s been filmed drunkenly swaying back and forth on the floor with perfume samples rambling like a mental patient on her own show. She’s not. She says that Tati is the most talked about performer, and at least people are talking. She compliments the last note, but that’s it. I don’t know why I’m getting defensive for Tati here, but Paula has never hit any note that clearly ever in her life. EVER. Paula says she’s disappointed that Tati didn’t come out acting crazy. Tati says that she was just excited Hollywood Week and her friends Care Bear Benny and Cabbage Patch Wilma June were shocked at her behavior because she’s usually demure. Simon says she’s a total drama queen and the only person that he’s ever met who’s more desperate for fame than her is Paula. LOL. Then Paula advertises her jewelry proudly.

Wear it to a fancy dinner and then wrap up your chicken with it into the shape of a swan.

Simon’s main critique is that she just looks desperate. Her answer? “I believe in marketing. Cue the Paula foil. He puts that aside and says that her song wasn’t bad and she should drop the whole demure act cuz it’s freaking him out. All the judges try to get her to do her laugh, but she says her friends told her she’s never laughed like that and she doesn’t know where it came from during Hollywood week. Then the judges all start doing the laugh from the table. So hilarious and so wrong. Tati is a good sport about it, but she doesn’t give them what they want. It’s kinda disappointing, but also good because people need an arc. If she’s gonna stay for awhile, she needs a slow boil. I want to see her threaten a mentor at least once before she’s voted off.

Her friends are waiting with Tink, who asks them which personality is really Tati’s. They don’t speak, which I imagine is how all of her friends are. She says that all of the personalities are her. “I’m a woman. I’m multi-faceted.” That’s one way to put it. She finishes with “America please vote for me. This is my dream and it’s up to you to keep it alive!” Then a group of girls in the audience howls with laughter. She laughs too, taking it as a compliment. Tati for President!Fauxhawk Widower is next, but he’s traded his fauxhawk for Elton John hair.

Dude at least make an effort to look doable.

He sings “Hero” by Mariah Carey. Heroes sucks ass right now. Is it a sign? NOPE! Finally, a good one. He starts of soft and smoky and it starts getting one note then bam, he starts belting and nails it all the way through. The best part is when Paula stands up and starts rocking out like he’s singing “Jungle Boogie.” Great performance. By both of them. Also, his fauxhawk is back and I’m relieved I don’t have to type Elton John Hair Widower every time he comes on, cuz it’s long. Gay Best Just is totally bottoming tonight. Or maybe not.

I’m happy for you. Really. Here, I met Ted Danson. You two have fun together.

Randy calls him the redeemer of the night, Skara shouts that he’s a hero, Paula says “two words with a hyphen! Sold out arenas!” Nice. Simon brings them back down and says he’s a good singer but the performance was just ok and he’s not buying the hype. Tink tells Simon that there was one point tonight where he believed Simon actually had the organ that they all have.

?? I know he’s not talking about a penis because I’ve peed with him and he always sits.

Fauxhawk Widower tells Tink that he sang that because he wants people to know (point to balcony) that they can do it (point to sky) if they just believe (point to heart) in themselves. Annoying. His Pollyanna church choir teacher act is on my last nerve already. He talks like he’s trying to lock you into a pyramid scheme. Just shut up and sing, Tony Robbins.

What do you guys think? Once the show is back to an hour long, these recaps should be up Wednesday morning. It’s only six thirty in LA so I haven’t seen who moved on yet, but I’m guessing Fauxhawk Widower, Alexis Grace, and Tati. The only one I’m actually rooting for it Tati. Oh and the chicken finger guy too, because how can you not root for chicken fingers? Sound off.