What’s up Gasmi?! bBitz here – I usually recap “Amazing Race” and am stepping in for an episode of the juggernaut that made Paula Abdul and consequently broke Paula Abdul… “AMERICAN IDOL”!!! (Oooh oh oooh oh oooh!)
And because I play so well with others, I was asked to recap the infamous “Group Day” episode! Let me tell ya folks, nothing can make a good thing go bad like some group action. Everyone’s all “Me me me!!!” and you’re all “I spent $80 on new underwear for THIS?!” But I digress… Ryan starts out on a high note by reminding us how many dreams have been crushed so far!
Contestants start out by scrambling to form their own groups to perform a number for the following day. We meet “The Dreamers” a group that starts out with 2 girls and a guy – and promptly gets crashed by 2 more girls. Now – why wouldn’t a group dynamic work by adding more girls?! ESPECIALLY if the group name sounds like “The Dreams”. Worked out smashingly for Effie.
Although the “Dream Girls” didn’t have bizzaro Zac Efron.
Another group, comprised of contestants from Denver, also form together. Because, as the boy in the middle declares, “We were just drawn to each other!“
Listen Chubbers, the only thing that made everyone drawn to you is the Universal Law of Gravitation.
Next up, Group Phoenix (they’re rising from ashes, I guess?) has Ma-ray-ah, a chick that made it this far last year. She never made it. So clearly the best good luck charm would be to rehearse in the same closet as last year.
If it’s broke, don’t fix it!
Meanwhile “The Mighty Rangers” from Denver are having problems with their choreography…
You’d think the love child of Jane Fonda and Fosse would be able to teach them some moves.
And if they don’t make it this girl will NEVER get to go to the 80′s prom with the cool guy and undergo a complete transformation to hot girl by taking off her glasses and letting her hair down! Pull it together!
Over at “The Dreamers” rehearsal, Pink is PISSED that the 2 girls who added on are missing…
Please God… don’t let her spin from any ceiling wet and/or naked.
While she blows her top, group “Neapolitan” finds a crowded corner to practice Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” while “Destiny’s Wild” does the same thing. Soon they’re having a sing-off in which everyone is screaming Lady Gaga – no one’s winning and everyone’s losing.
Ya think this girl realizes her hand’s about 6 inches from her own Bad Romance?
Tension finally breaks with the “Dreamers” and they decide to stay together with a “we like them – there’s just tension!” Hahahaha… the perfect storm forms.
Meanwhile Team Awesome finishes up early so group member, Big Mike, can talk to his wife who is currently going into labor.
Wait… which one’s going into labor?
While other groups turn in for the night, our favorite clusterfuck, “The Dreamers” is having a issues still. Mary, aka Bizarro Pink, aka Bloody Mary, is trying to take charge and no one’s having it…
Especially their pianist, the one, the only… Harvey Fierstein! And he’s about to cut a bitch.
The Lady Gaga groups also rehearse. One goes very well… the other tanks. Let’s just hope it gets better/worse for the performance! Entertainment all around!
Sun rises over Los Angeles and groups come back to rehearse for better and mostly worse. The vocal coaches also take a moment to coach and support…
“YOU’RE A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK!!!!” Ok… maybe not SO helpful.
Bloody Mary is also becoming the bitch-du-jour all over again. She actually called a group member “the weakest link”. Yikes. Someone’s not getting Miss Congeniality this year.
Meanwhile, Big Mike shares some big news…
“My wife’s 8 centimeters!” OK… awesome… BUT don’t fall for it like I have before – centimeters are smaller than inches. She’s actually not that hung. On the up side – YOU’RE sporting D cups!
While camera-favorite Mary has her 52nd meltdown of the day, other cam-fav Big Mike steps out to listen to his baby being born. Ugh. Drop a grapefruit in a bucket of water and scream. Now ya heard it. Now get back it in there and SING!
First group of the day, “Faith” sings Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable”. They’re pretty good and Ellen (where the hell is Paula?!) passes them through to the next level. (I was kidding about Paula. I know she’s dead. Wait… right? Oh fuck it.)
Next up, Big Mike’s “Team Awesome” starts belting out “I’m Ready”. They seem a bit strained but good overall.
And yet another Bizarro Zac Efron looks like he’s SHARTING himself when he sings. I mean, maaaybe lay off the Activia-chugging before show time?
No surprise, Zac and Big Mike make it while the other two get two free tickets to oblivion. But not before we find out that one of them is banking on winning this so he can support his son who has autism. Sometimes, it’s like American Idol takes pride in kicking people (AND their Autistic sons) when they’re down.
Next up , The GaGa Wars commence! First at bat is “Neapolitan”.
Make-up Artist?! Whaaaaat?! Nooooo… She’s so orange you get a dose of Vitamin C if she sneezes on you.
Meanwhile the other Gaga group is ripshit because they “stole” all of their moves or notes or something that isn’t really clear. But what is REALLY unclear to me…
Is how the hell this girl made it this far. Hello… NOTES much?! And does the guy behind her realize he’s standing onstage with an audience watching and cameras everywhere?! He looks like a dog just came along and ate his ice cream cone.
To my amazement, Ellen then announces that they’re all though. Ellen, we’ll forgive you for replacing Paula and for the lesbian mullet but we may never forgive you for Liz and The Sad Clown.
Next up their rivals take the stage and attempt to blow away the competition. Speaking of blowing…
Glass blowing apprentice?! Honey, if singing hurts you as bad as it looks, go back to blowing glass. At least you’ll be popular with the Cape Cod boys.
Ellen says that it was “weird” but they’re all through. Go figure.
“Destiny’s Wild” rocks their performance as do several other groups that all make it through. We don’t know who they are because they’re not one of the 6 groups that was focused on. So in the kindest of terms… fuck ‘em.
Now’s it’s time for “The Mighty Rangers”! I’m excited about this group because I smell disaster! What? I’m sorry but anyone who says they don’t watch this show for a good dose of schadenfreude is a lying liar.
Side note: I’m super excited they brought Nigel Lythgoe over from “SYTYCD”!
The group starts their performance out on a high note but slowly falls to shit when everyone starts forgetting the words to the song. The judges stop them and immediately axe the 3 that forgot the words. YIKES!
You would’ve thought this one would just hide the lyrics under his eyebrows – along with his hair dryer, purse, tweezing kit and sense of personal grooming. Maybe Ellen’s just pissed he stole her outfit.
But Chubbers, the poor soul who brought them all together (gravity), does not want to go quietly into the night. He begs the judges for another chance and Simon slams him with a “Don’t beg – not cool.” OUCH.
“Don’t blame me! I had Cousin It and Susie-Snorts-Alot for backup singers! And I didn’t forget the words – I was just choking on a ham! BWAH! It was honey-baked and delicious!”
Next up is group “Phoenix” – the one that was falling to pieces while the vocal couch slapped them around. My guess is they’re gonna nail it! As long as no one drops out of their group they’ll be just fine…
DOH! Drop out! You might wanna duck when you walk by the vocal coach on the way out.
So the group tries to pull everything together while panic-shitting all the way to the stage. It seems most of them struggle through except for the girl who completely forgets the lyrics and hums..
Girl… unless those lyrics are written on the ceiling… you’re screwed.
They finish up and the girl comments that, “We’re just happy to have made it through all that we’ve been through.” Uh oooooh. Someone just flipped the bitch switch on ol’ Simon.
He basically tells her she’s 5 years old and should grow up – preferably before he kicks her ass out on the Hollywood streets on the corner of Rape and Mug-Me.
So the girl and the hottie worship leader (there’s always one) get axed and the two dudes that can hold a note and a lyric get through.
The next groups are all attempting “Sweet Escape” by Gwen Stefani. This song has one of her classic rapid-fire lyric sessions. Ya know – “yasdlsdlcalkdcnlaaca refridgerata door alsjk cooold” That one. Aaaaand it just so happens that’s EXACTLY how they sang it.
“Maybe if we move our hands around alot they won’t watch our lips. Shit! Move them FASTER!”
Simon tears them out and sends them ALL home! LOL! OUCH! Someone seriously shat in his crumpet this morning.
Don’t cry… you’ll always have a future as a chimney sweeper.
Meanwhile, other contestants actually succeeded…
Like this guy who has the rhythm of a wet towel. And I’LL pay him if he cuts that pony tail. Blech.
Now for the grand finale… “The Dreamers!
We see a flashback to earlier in the day when Bizarro Zac Efron says it’ll “look ignorant” if they just sway back and forth onstage. LMAO. That has to be the most extreme word for the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Bloody Mary’s not taking shit from him though!
Bloody Mary: “SOMETIMES I just want to rip the fucking hippie out of both of you!!!”
After they take Bloody Mary down with a horse tranquilizer, the group hits the stage for their big number!
AND THEY BLEEEEEEWWWWW!!!! Oh my god. I’ve seen less bloodshed at a Crypts and Bloods reunion picnic.
By far the worst was this poor, sweet girl. I mean… how the F did she get this far? Was it the sexy lace top with Punky Brewster jumper!? Or her ability to give suggestive HJ’s with that mic? I… mean… REALLY.
The judges of course hated the whole thing but for some odd friggin reason pick Bloody Mary, Bizzaro Zac and Hippie Long Stocking to go through to the next level. Blah.
So that’s it! Hollywood Group round is over and we can all sleep peacefully once again.
Until next week when Bloody Mary shows us she’s at 8 centimeters. Yikes.
Thanks for reading everyone! Check out the season premier of “Amazing Race” this Sunday and come back for my recaps! Hollah!