American Idol Results: Dandelion in the Wind

28 Comments

1. 1
   itchy
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 2:29 am

   Best…recap…ever….!!!!!

   You had me at Tex Ass…and slayed me with Wis Consin.

   (well, I haven’t finished reading yet, I’m trying to eat lunch and I’m laughing so hard I’m spitting up bits of bread all over the keyboard…yum…)

2. 2
   Mr Dangerous
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 8:07 am

   Very Funny.

   I thought it was Frankie Avalon?!

   The last picture on the first page: Isn’t that Flip Wilson as Geraldine?

   RE: “I hope she never stops wearing chola bangs again. I love those damn bangs. They remind me of growing up in El Paso and getting my lunch money stolen by an Amazon chola named Ana who used a Sharpie as an eyeliner pencil. You’d think that would be a bad memory, but in my sophomore year we finally became friends at the stoner wall and she gave me a hairnet. I swear that’s a true story. All it cost me was a bag of weed. My mom was like, uh no. You’re not wearing a hairnet and then I was all BUT THAT HAIRNET WAS THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS, MOTHER! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!?”

   This explains EVERTYTHING. NOW, I understand.

   I hope your trip to Las Vegas is fun.

3. 3
   fire@will
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 9:13 am

   A FINE recap.

   I’ve enjoyed seeing/hearing Pickler as a post-contestant – and hope the rumors are not true.

   The save is only good for a couple more weeks… a question: if they use the save, does that mean someone else goes home instead? If not, then they will surely use it, because it means one more week of paychecks all around.

4. 4
   bigjr6633
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 9:51 am

   Oh Flipit, I luv ya!!!
   That line about Adam had me dying “Basically, he’s offering to blow every dude in America who votes for him, and I believe that he’d go through with it, if there was enough time to get through them all. Or jaw strength.”

   U never heard of that song “Low” that was a big hit last year written by none other than Flo Rida – this dude comes out with every sex song in the book and it goes to #1!!!

   Am I the only 1 that’s going to miss Dandelion – not his singing but the little jokes he be making. And I swear he’s not blind – okay partially blind cause I swear he be looking at ppl in their eye!!! lol

5. 5
   bigjr6633
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 9:58 am

   fire@will, If they use the save 1 week, then the next week 2 ppl will go home although I wish they would stop pretending like their actually considering using it on ppl. U know when they are acting like discussing using it, their actually talking about what restaurant their going to later!!!

6. 6
   juddfan
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 10:06 am

   Fucking Hysterical, Flipit!!! Too many to describe, but loved the hair net story!!! LOVED!!! and poor Aunt Jemima, those dissing cartoons!!!! And ripping your plane row partner, you Rock!!!

   All I can say is Thank God this finally happened, not out of hate, but out of, please let my ears be free, like Moses’ people–tis the season, no!? I wish Dande well in his journey, and hell, he wasn’t as bad as Pickler. As someone who has dabbled in singing, I can tell you that song was too high for her, too long, and she just couldn’t get it up there for any length of time, so she just kind of boned it. The whole lip synced Britney tour has got me loving live singing no matter how bad it is!!! LIke Fire@will, I hope it’s not true either, now that she’s gotten her breasts reduced again, she’s got nothing of note except her personality . . is it me!?

   Turns out those stylists we keep cursing have names: Miles Siggins and Soyon An, you can read about them and their “decisions” on Usmagazine (dot)com. That they don’t hide their heads and change their names, or get FIRED–imagine, I will never know . . .

   but even they aren’t responsible for Paula’s decisions . . . see her medicine cabinet for that!!!

   Happy Easter all!

7. 7
   soapboxx
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 10:44 am

   Oreida! Psoriasis shirt! Simon’s head moons America! (did you know he pays $400 a haircut?)Unfortunately, this bunny is allergic to peanuts and has died. Easter’s cancelled! Bwahahahaha!Cholaheta looks like Angela Lansbury in Sweeney Todd, damn you are funny!!!!! Ok so the FloRida song had me pissed off. “You spin my head round when you GO DOWN” and the chick kneels in front of him…they should have cut to the screaming preteens in the audience and their applauding parents during that sequence. I’m actually starting to love Hambert too, the gossip is that he’s really a very nice person, and I love how tall he is. I really hope he flames it up in the finale though as a complete finger flip to AI. I can’t imagine he would enjoy a year long tour with these tools. BTW I think Gokey is worse than Scott. Both are bad but Gokey is IMO unlistenable. Thanks for the laughs.

8. 8
   sayhuh
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 10:46 am

   Ah, so good again… I did actually have to watch a bit of this pathetic thing because my kids made me tape it and then watched it while I was in the room. But I still get the remote, so I fast forward anytime anybody’s talking. It’s so much better that way! I had to laugh because I would ask my children after a few seconds of each musical number if they wanted me to fast forward through it, and my son would always say yes and my daughter would say no. But when we got to Pickler, it was unanimous: “yes, please, NOW!” Ow. I also had forgotten how bad she sucked. fire@will, what are those rumors again? If it’s breast reduction, she sure looked more proportionate this time around. Of course, my husband was the first to notice. He said “Her ‘friends’ are gone!”

   I have seen all those theories about Gums’ forehead object: zit, small child, third eye, unicorn horn. I am forming another theory: Gums = Hellboy. Only in the movie they make him look tougher and cooler, much like they did with P.W. in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, and where Ron Perlman uses an industrial grinder to file his horns down, Gums probably can get away with just a nail file. And we are headed down to an epic confrontation at the finals between the forces of evil (Gums) and eviler (Church Lady), where the fate of all mankind will be decided and we’re all fucked. Just you watch, we all think Hambert is headed for the finale, but he will have a freak accident a la Omen and end up impaled by a church lightning rod or, most likely in his case, a stiletto heel. OK, I’ll shut up now.

   Someone wondered before if the contestants read stuff about themselves on the internet. I remember Gina Glocksen saying in some interview how hard it was on her to read all the mean stuff people were saying, so I guess the answer is, or used to be, yes. So I’m sorry, Gumsy, I think you’re very talented and I understand it costs a hell of a lot of money to get unsightly stuff removed and that insurance (if you have it) won’t cover it. There’s hope for you yet after AI, look at Eliot. Now go kick Church Lady’s ass!

9. 9
   cattyfan
   Posted April 10, 2009 at 11:06 am

   Flipit…I LOVED your description of what was in your head during Flo Rida’s “performance”…but I was actually annoyed by how the lyrics were made “contemporary,” changing them from “like a record right ’round” to something about oral sex.

   Maybe he just didn’t know what a record is?

10. 10
    Mr Dangerous
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 11:17 am

    Uh, I had a very small bump on my forehead near my hairline. (My plastic surgeon thought it was a sist.) I had that removed by a doctor in Pasadena and my PPO covered it.

11. 11
    tv freak
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 11:20 am

    Am I the only one who wished Ryan had told Scott “Let’s take a look back on your journey…sorry, We’re going to take a look back on your journey. you just stand there”?

    I lol’d at the part about throwing a ball at Scott’s face…so mean but the imagery was rich.

    I’ll miss Scott. As much as I did not like his voice, he seemed to be a really nice guy…Anoop and Lil arguably could have gone first.

    lol at sayhuh’s kellie pickler story.

12. 12
    georgiababe
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    This is not related to the recap (which I’m not done reading) but I bought Adam’s “Mad World” this week and IT.IS.BEAUTIFUL.

    Even better than the live performance. Although something that bugs me about Adam is that he doesn’t know how to breathe properly when he sings, so he ends up gasping. It’s kind of annoying.

    But oh well, I love me some Hambert, so play on!

13. 13
    sweetiedarlng
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    Fantastic as always. I think I’m going to get evicted, I was laughing so hard at the Reese’s caption.

14. 14
    gitgo
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    Flo Rida’s “Low” is my ringtone.

    I like Ryan’s tie bar. Very Mad Men.

    So glad Scotty is gone – he couldn’t find the right key with a seeing eye dog.

15. 15
    itchy
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    Without a doubt one of the funniest recaps (if not the funniest) I’ve read here or anywhere. And I’m not usually the type to fawn over this type of thing.

    Now that I’ve seen this Pickler in action (I’d only ever read about her), I have a whole new understanding of the Idol experience — she won this thing? How is that possible?

    I laughed out loud when Blind Boy was singing, especially that awesome high note. He’s probably a really nice kid in real life, but he’s a godawful singer and the fact that he made it this far in the competition is just further proof that Idol has nothing whatsoever to do about singing.

    I really enjoyed the live group sing too — what a mess. And then they allow a guy to sing a song about blowjobs.

    I say there’s a saboteur on the Idol team. Vive la resistance!

16. 16
    briar
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Flipit, thanks for another well detailed yet hilarious recap…love the personal touches scattered throughout.

    I feel bad for Dande but it was his time to go, for sure. I’ll miss the angst I felt not being sure whether to laugh at the awkwardness or feel sorry for him.

    And I’m just tired of Hokey and Lil.

17. 17
    cattyfan
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 8:23 am

    itchy…Pickler did NOT win LOL! She just is savvy enough to exploit her opportunities to the fullest.

18. 18
    itchy
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Whew!

19. 19
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 11:10 am

    I’ll miss our little confused dandelion… Actually, no I won’t.

    Hey Mr Dangerous — in defense of Flip, I thought it was Frankie Valli, too!! Is there a discernable difference btw him and Frankie Avalon? Or are they both as old as Methusula (sp?) and/or dead or even zombies? (That’s a shout out to Woody Harrelson – dude, you totally rock!)

    a-HA! I thought Pickler’s boobs looked less pneumatic and better proportioned to her skinny frame. I quite liked the doily dress (remember Ethan Hawke’s bitchy comment of that nature to shoplifter Winona in Reality Bites?! How could you FORGET it?)

20. 20
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 11:15 am

    Okay, Mr Dangerous — you’re a pus-head and you (or your plastic surgeon) can’t spell ‘cyst’. That explains a lot.

    MORE DIRT — guess what else I found out?!

    Wanna know why Paula is sounding more coherent and articulate this season?

    She takes notes during the rehearsals and then MEMORIZES her responses to deliver them as flawlessly as possible on air.

    bwahahahahahaaha!!!!

21. 21
    Mr Dangerous
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Hey Donna Martin:

    I need you to come over and read my posts before I post them. I’m just glad that thing is gone. It was impairing my beauty.

    My plastic surgeon is DR. HUNG. Can you guess why I picked him?

    After they removed the cyst they had to lipo fat from my stomach and insert it into my forehead. (They went through my belly button. Ewww.) When I told a friend this he said, “So, now you’re going to be a FATHEAD?”

22. 22
    sayhuh
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Mr. Dangerous, Gums needs your health insurance and/or your sweet lyin’ doctor…

23. 23
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    Hey Mr D,

    I was just about to come over then I read you have a beer gut and not a six pack, so the deal’s off.

24. 24
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    wait — Dr. W. Hung?

    As in William or Well?

25. 25
    Memememe
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    I have been reading TVGasm recaps for a long time. This is one for the ages. I enjoyed it so much, it’s all I can do — just like Simon, I’m gonna give you the medium-clap standing-O. Except, unlike him, I’m actually sincere in my praise. I laughed so hard somebody asked me what I was reading.

    Anyhoo. Rida sang about blow jobs on American Idol. Gotta love it.

    So Adam’s performance. I tivo, thus I never saw it on television, but I heard it later. He did the Donnie Darko version of that song and everyone thinks he’s a genius. Eiucgh. I truly don’t like him.

    One thing’s for sure: Little is the most improved in hair styles. Take a look at her now, juxtaposed against a picture from Hollywood Week. Whoooooooo girlfriend. She looks so much bettah. I wonder if Shecrest gave her his hairdresser’s #. It certainly wasn’t Simon’s — he of the Richie Rich part in his hair. What a maroon.

26. 26
    itchy
    Posted April 11, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    I’m pretty sure that Paula (and the rest of the judges) have always done it that way, which is why they always seem so completely off-base in their comments.

    Although I suspect they’re really basing their comments on the recorded versions –which of course can be carefully controlled so the singers actually seem to stay on pitch. Even the Church Lady.

    “Live,” I don’t think they can actually hear what any of these people are really doing — they’d be wearing earpieces in that case, because even with the best sound-system in the world, the vocals would tend to get boomy or drowned out. And reverb goes a long way toward covering up singing problems in a live situation (gotta love that reverb).

    I don’t recall seeing them with in-ear monitors though (they wear them on the French version). So I assume they’re not really listening.

    Anyway, it just makes sense that the judges’ commentary is as full of shit as the rest of this show. Just one big mess of lies.

    Mr. Dangerous, I’m starting to have nightmares about you.

27. 27
    heykate7
    Posted April 13, 2009 at 5:28 am

    haha i promise that kalamazoo, mi is a real town, i was born there! but sadly it still doesnt make me want to root for gums…

28. 28
    juddfan
    Posted April 13, 2009 at 10:45 am

    mememememe I love Shecrest!!! So obvious and yet, never said yet!