Tonight on American Idol Results, Flo’s in da house!
Kiss my greeits, homey!
We open with The Apprentice theme again so we can remember just. How. Important. This damn. SHOW. IS. The contestants are interviewed backstage after their performances and give us little tidbits of very deep wisdom. Gums Giraud, who’s wearing so much base that he’s bordering on blackface, tells us that it’s the point in the competition “where you just gotta do you, man”. That reminds me, bring back the wiener grab! I’ve missed it!
No, my forehead is not giving birth. Those were just rude internet rumors. And no I’m not wearing a mask. It’s just a tan. Can we talk about music now?
Cholaheta tells us that this is like a dream and she hopes she never wakes up. I hope she never stops wearing chola bangs again. I love those damn bangs. They remind me of growing up in El Paso and getting my lunch money stolen by an Amazon chola named Ana who used a Sharpie as an eyeliner pencil. You’d think that would be a bad memory, but in my sophomore year we finally became friends at the stoner wall and she gave me a hairnet. I swear that’s a true story. All it cost me was a bag of weed. My mom was like, uh no. You’re not wearing a hairnet and then I was all BUT THAT HAIRNET WAS THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS, MOTHER! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!? Wow. I just lost myself for a second. Anyway, the point is, can you believe there was a time where weed only cost thirty five dollars?
I can get it for you wholesale.
Little doesn’t say anything wise. She just cries.
I bought a wig for THIS?!
The freaky alien guy in the audience last night has been replaced by a much cuter alien named Mario Lopez. And no, that’s not a Mexican joke. I just don’t believe anyone in their forties can really look like they’re still fourteen. He’s an impostor!! An impostor that I want to make sweet love to and write poetry about. Yes, I write poetry.
Love the dimples,
Bet your butts got no pimples,
Be my man, let me thrill you,
Please don’t make me threaten to kill you.
See? Tink announces that Flo Rida is here, and I think this white lady misunderstands, cuz she loses her shit.
Orida?!? I love potatoes!
There’s really someone named Flo Rida? That’s priceless. I’m Tex Ass. Nice to meet you. Buy my album. It’s all about giant pasty butts. OMG PICKLER IN DA HOUSE!! Wow. I hope she doesn’t squeak out that song about high heels again. Her idiocy is way more enjoyable when it’s not expressed in song. She should go on a talking tour. She’d sell out. Hello Judges! Randy Jackson’s shirt has broken out in psoriasis.
Smile through the pain.
Skara gets the same amount of screams she always does from the audience and acts like she was just named most popular friend on Facebook. She’s so ridiculous. Paula knows that the judges don’t get to do crap during elimination night, so she’s taking this time to show off her new line of tinfoil jewelry for housewives. There’s no reason not to wear fake diamonds at all times. Even when you’re doing the dishes.
Then Simon’s head moons America.
Kiss my crack, bitches!
Randy says he was disappointed with this week’s performances overall, and Skara says there are people who aren’t sure about their ARTISTRY yet. Paula found another pic from her past. It’s Simon with baby Paula? Dumb.
Tink one ups her and plays a song from the year the Simon was born. We see a clip of Moses singing “Rub-a-dub-dub, Three Men in a Tub”, and then the screens open and Moses comes out!! Holy shit that guy is gonna live forever.
Let my people go!
He can still sing kinda, and the ladies still want him to get into their pants. Skara is bouncing around, but she looks like, who the f is that?
So….Not a big Bible reader then?
Tink asks him when he recorded the song, and Moses says 242 BC. That makes Simon 2,251 years old! He claims to be forty, but no one buys it so he tries to take our attention off his oldness by pointing out that Moses and Tink look like twins. He’s not far off with that one.
Tonight’s group song is “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”, where Little teaches us a very important lesson.
Silver wads on your t-shirt? Not thinning. Thanks, Lil!
The boys start of with the lalala’s, but the only voice you can hear is Church Lady’s. I know it’s his because I’m hitting myself. Chola takes the first verse, and she’s wearing a bathrobe over her jeans. How punk.
There is no video to sync with tonight, and it’s really obvious that this week’s vocal attack on the country is not lip synced. Lil gives it away by wailing way off key. The sound guy sucks ass. Only like two of the mics are turned on. I forget all that though, when Church Lady gets right in the camera’s face and starts “wiggy wiggy”ing.
Then Hambert gets in the camera and SHIMMIES!! HAHAHAHAHAH. Well at least that’s authentic. Suck it, Church Lady!
Little sounds much better in her solo line that she did in the group section, but she still kinda sounds like her voice is being filtered through quicksand. It’s hard to hear Ham sing, cuz the audience is going fucking crazy. Wow. Church Lady is one seriously bad dancer. I don’t even know how to describe what he’s doing. It’s kinda like that wide legged stomp from The Monkeys with added off rhythm hip rolls and whiteness.
Yo bitch you’re gonna pay for what you did to Rome!
So that you can be filled with parental pride even when your kid’s not home.
Aunt Jemima’s stuck in traffic, so we have time to talk about that butt. Is it the hugest thing you’ve ever seen or what?
Unfortunately, this bunny is allergic to peanuts and has died. Easter’s cancelled.
Hiatus hasn’t been kind to those chins.
Now let’s go behind the scenes of a Ford Commercial! I always wondered how they did those!! Actually, I just wondered why, but ok we’re here so let’s do this. Hambert hangs out backstage wearing his eye gift from Lady GaGa. Of course that drag queen loved Ham. The streaks need to go, but the green eye is a beaut.
Bill O’Reilly just got a boner.
The theme of today’s ad is a magic show. The director is hoping that it will work out and turn him twenty again. Seriously, old people, don’t wear this hair. It makes everyone uncomfortable.
Inside the Hacktor’s Studio
Cholaheta looks like Angela Lansbury in Sweeney Todd.
Blind Guy does a kinda funny impression of Simon. One of you commented that you think Blind Guy isn’t really blind and is just faking it. LOL. That is so wrong. Now I can’t stop trying to catch him in the act. I’m like “he’s looking directly at Ham when they talk! Faker! No wait he’s staring off into space again. But he’s focusing right into the director’s eyes! LIAR! Wait no he just fell off the curb.” Someone just needs to settle this once and for all and throw a ball at his face. OK now we get to see the whole commercial! Wowee this show sure treats us right.
Of course the blind guy is the one driving the Mustang.
On a personal note, I am writing this from my flight to Vegas and the guy next to me keeps reading this. He just looked totally appalled. So idiot next to me, mind your own damn beezwax. PS way to inhale those peanuts. Wipe your mouth. Gross.
Commercial? Dumb. I know that’s a shock cuz usually they’re so riveting. Tink makes fun of Anoop’s eye glitter. I wish he would make fun of his fish face. And now it’s time to talk to Hambert! Girls and closeted teen boys scream like crazy when it’s his turn to be read a question off the teleprompter. I have warmed to Ham. Part of it is that I loved his song this week, but mostly I think it’s because we found out that under that Liza wig and twenty pounds of base, he’s a little red head with freckles.
Did Howdy Doody hide? No. No he did not.
Tink asks him how it felt for Simon to get off his lazy pasty ass in uncomfortable heels just to give him a standing o and Ham’s all humble at first. “I don’t know what to say! Thank you!” Applause. But then he adds that he’s watched the show for eight years and never seen Simon give anyone besides him a standing o. LOL self horn tooter. That’s horn masturbation. And look who’s here! The mayor from Kalamazoo! Huh? Where the f is that? That sounds made up. I’m not buyin it! But there he is. The mayor. He’s in the crowd to congratulate Gums on giving birth to that thing on his forehead. The mayor of El Paso wouldn’t show up if I was on that show. He’d just be sitting at home adding up all the parking tickets I left behind vowing to get his revenge on me one day.
I’ll get you, you rotten stinkin scoundrel! Burrito! Taco! El compadre! Don Quixote!
How in God’s name is there still forty minutes to go? I’m tired. I just noticed Ham’s shirts. I think the giant Felicia Gallant shoulder pads kept my focus away from the giant rainbow lips on his shirt. Basically, he’s offering to blow every dude in America who votes for him, and I believe that he’d go through with it, if there was enough time to get through them all. Or jaw strength.
I would change, but the closet is so far behind me I’d need a plane ticket to get back there.
Hambert, Krispy and Anoop stand. The judges slobber all over Ham. Paula says it was great to see him restrained “and small it with a different song.” The audience is quiet, except for one dude who’s cracking up at her stupid ass. Either Krispy Twink or Anoop are in the bottom three. America has given more votes to….Twinks hot little piece of ass esophagus. Anoop’s in the bottom.
Sorry but you didn’t get enough votes. You are a bottom. Still.
The audience is going nuts for Flo Rida. OK I feel seventy years old right now watching this performance. I just keep shaking my fist at the sky and muttering “where’s the band? He’s singing with a record? What’s he saying? Who’s that girl singing? Is she singing or is he singing? Those dancers look like trollops! Trollops who eat too much mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is bad for your heart. I can’t understand a word of this! When is Law and Order on? Where’s Frankie Valley? Now there’s a singa!” Flo’s singing ho is hilariously whiny, and she makes up for it by wearing a ripped up bathing suit and swinging her head around a lot. Flo’s dancing girls are heifers! I love it! Power to the flour! This song is making me wanna binge.
I’ll have what she’s having.
OK is he speaking English? I think he just said coaster. Which is English. But that was after huminehhuminehhumine. WTF? Flo. DICTION. The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain, umkay? Confetti shoots out all over the stage. I thought that was reserved for the finale, but whatevs. I guess it’s a fitting end to a song about going down.
Congrats! You win!
The girls all end up on their knees. Of course. Tink comes up to them with his honkey “hey y’all what’s a happenin’” routine, and one of the heifs looks like she’s considering busting his ass in two.
Tink says “I like the company you keep!” Sure you do. Maybe you can all go shopping together later and braid each other’s hair, you big girl. Then he asks what ROOTS is an acronym for. Rap Of Overcomin’ da Struggle. LOL. Streeeetch that English. He tries to plug his website but the producers have scrubbed it out. Rude! And hilarious. Next time he’ll be smart and use iTunes somewhere in his web address. I would kill to be a fly on the wall of the greenroom tonight. What in the world is Kelly Pickler saying to this crew? She’ll probably try to bond with him over the whole roots thing. That’s one thing she’s an expert on.
Gokey’s safe. He gives a smiling nod when he hears the news. Yuck. Gums and his baby are safe. Blind Guy is never safe cuz there are steps and platforms and sharp edges all over the damn place. He’s also in the bottom three. Chola and Little are last. Who will it be? I say Little, cuz wow she boned it. And it’s Little. Thank God she remembered her armor.
I think the glam squad’s been laid off. It cost a lot of money to hire that commercial director with twentysomething hair who said “make it magical!” a lot. Simon says this is the first week that the save would come in handy. Simon loves him some Little. And now for Kelly Pickler. It’s rumored that she is a total c word in real life who doesn’t tip, but damn she sure works that stair climber!
OK the hook of this song is a total rip off of Cook’s “Time of My Life”, but at least it’s not the high heels song. I don’t think I could take that again. Wow. I forgot how bad this girl is. She can’t find a key to save her life, and it’s her own song! Ouch. She sucks so damn hard I don’t even know what to write about her. If there’s anyone who should be lip syncing it’s this girl. She makes sure to show every inch of her figure to the cameras and the audience, and it serves her well. Randy totally checks out her ass. He might just be wondering how she made an entire outfit out of a doily.
If I were there, I’d set my iced tea down on her.
At the end, the camera swoops around her and she keeps eye contact with it. The girl’s a pro at that. And she’s invented a new kind of riffing. She does this “best day of your li-i-ah-ah-ah-i-ah” think that sounds like a streaky window. It’s amazing. Most adorable, charming train wreck no talent moron this show’s ever produced, and that’s saying something. She tries that whole down home “I might bust a seam!” act but no one’s buyin’ it. Get off the stage, twerp. Tink tells her there’s calamari waiting for her backstage and no one laughs at that either. I think we’re all just stunned that she has a second album. How in tarnation?
Jesus there’s still twelve minutes to go. Little’s safe! Blind Guy starts laughing, but Anoop didn’t tell a joke. He must have the Pickler song running around that head of his.
Did you say something?
Yes you did.
I didn’t. Stop talking to me.
How’s my hair?
Just vote me off already.
Tonight on the News, a hit and run!
Blind Guy’s out! Paula tries to cry, but then remembers that she hasn’t finished the dishes yet and there are no times for emotions in a dirty kitchen.
How’s he gonna do his begformylife song without the guitar? That masterful playing made the whole number! The judges don’t even pretend to discuss it as he sings. He sounds a lot better than last night…until he goes for the high note. YOUCH. Even his sister was thrown off by that one.
You’re out of the family band, loser!
The judges finally start discussing. Simon says that last week they didn’t consider the judges’ save because he couldn’t have cared less about Doi, but this week two judges say yes and two say no. Girls are suckers. Simon says that he likes BG and would be sad to look like a blind guy kicker, but he’s OUT! Way to fake it. Like they were ever gonna use that on our little confused dandelion. Ah, well, tiger. It’s been fun! And you and Hot Brother (I don’t care what you people say) get to get some ass on tour! Love ya! And you really have come a long way. At least your hair has.
See? The hot chicks all over the country are already copying you! Stay hawt!