By Flipit|Friday, April 17, 2009 | 10:14 pm | 26 Comments
Tonight on American Idol Results, a natural disaster.
This hurt us way more than it hurt you.
We open movie preview style.
A man with a hairline that starts behind his left ear.
Innocent kids with wigs and babies growing out of their foreheads.
: To make us all appreciate real singers. Like Amy Grant. Or Rosemary Clooney. Or, well,
Wait a second. I think I already saw this movie. Hated it! Channel change. The end.
Quentin says “bring it! Bring it! They gotta bring it!” I don’t know if he’s sounding like Randy on purpose or not. Either way, he needs to stop it. We have enough middle aged men trying to sound like teenagers. Did Simon tell Cholaheta that she could make it all the way to the end, or am I on acid?
Pretty colors. Can we all just hug? OMG I CAN FEEL MY HAIR GROWING.
Tink used up all his “Are we ready for a good one?” “We’re gettin close!” “The fight is on, right?” “It’s a hot one tonight!” “We gotta work it out, baby!”s last night, so at the end of the clip he’s just left with THIS. Is American Idol!!!! That’s called blowing your wad, Tink. Spread that genius out, babe.
A place where nobody dared to go
The love that we came to know
They call it Xanadu
After he’s done with his big line, Tink runs all the way up the stairs just so he can walk down again after opening credits. LOL. DORK!
Who’s the bottom?
Miley Cyrus is here!! WOWEEEEE!! How fitting, cuz Miss Hannah Wrongtana has made quite a splash in the news this week. I’ll let Jamie Foxx explain it. Don’t click this vid at work.
It’s not nice to talk about children like that, especially ones with hundreds of millions of dollars who threaten to wield their Mouse Power for selfish reasons. Suck it, Wrongtana!
Church Lady’s been doing some push ups!
Tink says hi to the judges. Randy is all Easter-y. That’s SO last Sunday, Randy. He gives Tink both a piece sign and fuck you arm sign at the same time, which is both sweet and really rude.
Make up your mind, man!
Tink asks Paula what she did after the show and she recounts being pulled over for hitting a deer on the way home. And a small child. And a mailbox.
Don’t shoot! I’m famous!
Simon half winks/half winces at Tink. Man, the judges are on the fence about our little man tonight.
Did you really just run up those stairs and back down again? DORK.
And now let’s jack off Ford for a bit! This week’s handjob is shots of the remaining seven kids on the cover of magazines and newspapers at a newsstand. Poor Gums doesn’t get to be on anything cuz of his baby forehead, so he just rocks out at the newsstand. Too bad. Poor guy could have used the airbrushing.
The most realistic cover is Cholaheta’s.
Paula sure is smiling a lot. I can’t tell if it’s because she’s happy or because her boobs are squeezed so tight to her chest that she doesn’t wanna move to prevent a flash.
Paula with a bustier.
Paula without a bustier.
Tink announces a group number from the 80′s, and Paula and Skara pretend they weren’t born yet.
We’re in our teens! We just happened to be born as grapes. That were dropped in the sun and left there for a decade and half.
The song is “Maniac”!! LOL. This song always reminds me of when my mom was an aerobics instructor. I love it now, but at the time I used to rebel against her headbands and leg warmers by eating boxes and boxes of Fig Newtons behind her back. Explain your fat son to your clients, MOTHER! EXPLAIN THAT! Aw, kids. Krispy Twink starts it off and gets right up in Skara’s face. She tries to look as young and sexy as possible.
Note to Krispy Twink. Please stop wearing plaid. That ended awhile ago and you’re just making yourself look like an awkward straight person trying to fit in in Silverlake. I forget about the plaid the second I get a load of Cholaheta’s 99 cent store pants. Yowza. And is it me, or is she packin a wiener?
Poor Anoop has to walk down the spiral staircase, across the stage, down stairs (which he trips over) and into the mosh pit of homely tweens. He must have sassed the choreographer, cuz it’s pretty obvious Anoop is hated. That hurt to watch. Gums tries to rock it out in his plastic jacket, and it’s hard not to crack up at his white ass. Hambert is out next, and he seriously eye fucks the cameras five different ways in his one line. And why is he rewearing the pleather hoodie? If the show’s budget is lacking for wardrobe, sell Skara. That hoodie has to go.
Church Lady growlyells from a really high platform. Why is he always out of breath? I smoke a pack a day and I don’t sound like that. Unless I have to get out of my chair. Or lift the remote control. Or change positions on the couch.
Little’s got the pimp spot again. She comes out last and belts her head off, half off key. Then Gums is coming down the stairs and riffing and ends center stage. Why was this all about Gums? Weird.
Pregnant foreheads get too much preferential treatment.
Hambert talks about how impressive Quentin’s hairline is and Chola spazzes out about getting to ride a limo to the premier of 17 Again after last night’s show. PASS. It gets a little awkward when Ham meets Zach and bends him over the velvet rope and snarls and makes Elvis faces, but nothing’s as awkward as the chick who plays the wife in the movie. She’s a little too excited to see the AI cast and won’t stop stalking them and trying to act sexy. Uncomfy.
No one your age should say OMG that many times in one sentence.
The best part is Little explaining the meaning of the movie: Learning your lessons when you’re young so you have your shit together when you’re Church Lady’s age.
And Zack’s in the audience! WOWEE! And he has a giant sack hat on. The guy next to him looks like he just colored all over himself with a Burnt Sienna Crayon.
Tink is in love with Zach. You can tell cuz he calls him “man” about seven times. Time for eliminations! Yay! Get rid of the guy who is next to Zach first. He’s scary. Meanwhile, Paula’s boobs take a sip of Coke.
Tink asks Chola how she felt about all the praise last night and she’s all “uhhhh like wow rrrrrr graaaaaaa uhhhhhh”. She’s safe! Ham’s next. Safe. Anoop. Mooooo! Mooooooo! We know the choreographer hates him. So, apparently, do all of the camera men.
Who do I gotta blow to get shot head on?
Cut to Randy yawning. LOL.
Don’t let us keep you up.
Anoop talks about how comfortable he’s gotten. Bottom three, comfort man! And now for Miss Jennufuh Hudson!! She is stuffed into some plastic pants and a glitter top, but it beats her taped on Kleenex dress at the Grammys. Is she nervous? She’s kinda twitching and changing positions behind the mic a lot. Maybe it’s just really lazy Vogue-ing.
JHud’s version of the splits.
I can’t really tell wtf this song is about, but I love J so I don’t really care. She can sing her ass off, that’s for damn sure. And she can also spell. Well, at least L-O-V-E. You guys were saying in the comments this week that she just showed Little how to do it, and you’re right about that. She needs some better music, though. This song is straight up yelling, and she looks skerd. I am glad at the end, cuz she cracks a smile for the first time. Meh. Can they just make a Dreamgirls part 2? Cuz I have this album and haven’t made it all the way through once. The audience loved it! And this guy loves his fingers.
Are my nails ok?
Hud reminds us that she won a Grammy for her very first album. We know! She’s engaged but won’t tell us when the big day is. This is why they never interview the guests. Allison was more interesting, and she just stuttered. Still, love ya JHUD! Don’t change a thing! Except your songs. And your clothes. And don’t talk. LOVE.
Anoop’s mood has deteriorated. Tink calls him out on looking “frustrated”. Well, he is in the bottom AGAIN. And you did just make him sit through two commercial breaks and a JHud performance on the dunce stool. What do you want, Tink? Anoop says he thinks he was good last night and didn’t expect to be in the bottom. Tink asks Paula if she’s surprised, but she’s laughing and whispering with Simon. GROW UP YOU TWO. She says she’s a bit surprised, but only cuz she didn’t remember an Indian dude competing this year. Simon says Anoop deserves it. HAHA.
Krispy and Little are next. Simon tells Krispy he was brilliant last night. He’s so just trying to make Noop cry. Fingers crossed! Little says that she’s trying to listen to the judges’ advice. Little, just don’t sing off key so much and you’ll be ok. Sing whatever you want. Krispy’s safe and Little’s in the bottom. She gets there about a minute before her ass does.
No butt left behind.
Gums and Church Lady. Gums says he would sing it straight next time and “sing it how it’s supposed to be sang”. Teehee. Church Lady says that he respectfully disagrees with Simon’s diss last night. I didn’t hear it. I think I still had my ear plugs in. Gums is in the bottom, and he’s nice to Church Lady anyway, even though he’s got the facial hair shaped into a non existent jawline. ARGH. Church Lady makes me crazy.
Wow. What a square jaw!
Tink keeps pronouncing Little’s name “lu-uhl”, like he wants to say “Little” but won’t. That’s not important, but it’s making me nuts. Skara says that she agrees with America’s votes for the bottom three, and so does Paula. Anoop gets to sit back down, but he’s still pissed. And now, let’s watch some Miley Cyrus!
The new terrorists, according to the government. Middle aged protesters on lunch break. SCARY! Call Homeland Security!
Tink announces Miley, and Skara and Paula give each other a “what a retard” look. Man, the whole adult world is ganging up on Wrongtana!
That bitch needs to make a sex tape!
I know! And get some teeth for those gums!
Right? Bitch please!
The only time I’ve really seen this girl perform has been on American Idol and Dancing with the Stars (I think?). Point is, I don’t remember her sucking so hard. WOW. She’s horrid. She sings out of her nose and pronounces all of her “ah”s as “ee”s. Song sucks, she sucks. Very pretty though! The couple of on key moments sound like a very young Stevie Nicks, but then it’s back to off key nasal whining. As if she knows she’s not really grabbing the country yet, she takes off her top.
It gets so painful to listen to that the smoke monster from Lost comes out and kills her right where she stands.
This is a long song and I feel I should be writing more about it, but I found a place that delivers mac and cheese and it just got here. There’s some headbanging, though. I can tell you that.
Do that again. Against a wall.
How many jobs does Zach Efron have?
She felt that! I did too. And it hurteded.
Simon says that he would consider using the judges save on one of the bottom two, and it might surprise that person. Obvs not Lil, cuz that wouldn’t be a surprise. At least it wouldn’t have been a couple of weeks ago. My how things can change.
You should be.
Little’s safe!! YAY! I still cling to my belief that she can be really good. I hope we get to see that at some point before the season’s done. Gums sings the begging for life song, and he’s way off key and shaky. He said he would sing it straight if he got another chance, which I guess is what he’s trying to do. But yow. That’s bad. I’ve never heard him suck before. He misses every single big note he has. By the end he’s pulling a Church Lady growl and kicking. The singing straight thing wasn’t working out for him, so he jumped back on the riff bandwagon. The audience is going crazy and chanting “GUMSGUMSGUMSGUMS!” He tells Tink that it was ok even though there were some bad notes. Aw that’s why I like him.
I’m a sucker for a single dad.
Simon doesn’t think that he was as good as last night and has no chance of winning the competition. Which means he’s saving him. HAHAH. How does that make any kinda sense? I’m glad because I like Gums. He cries. AWWWWWWW. Simon reminds us that two people are going home next week and even worse, it’s disco week. LOL. CAN’T. WAIT. PLEASE let Hambert fag out to his full potential. PLEASE. In case you’re wondering what that looks like, here’s a clip.
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit