American Idol: Rat Hacks

There are five Cylons. But who are they? And should they be allowed to breed with humans? And why does the AI stage look like the Into the Woods set? Join me as we watch the final five visit the graves of the Rat Pack and stomp on them as hard as they can. This. Is American Idol !

I wish…

It’s always good to see stars. We’ve had Doogie, Ted Danson, and wowee! The old anorexic lady from those Nutri System commercials!

We’ve hit the big time now, umkay?

Once again, Tink has opened the show on the stage, then run up the flight of lit stairs to walk back down again. We don’t actually see him go up the stairs, of course, and I like to think the whole process is really intense. Like he climbs a rope, swings across the stage on jungle gym bars and then climbs the back wall to make it to the top of the stairs right when the credits are done. Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy is back in Mr. Rogers attire, and is either flashing the hand sign for world peace or for cunnilingus. I can’t tell.

Be honest. How many vaginas just shriveled up in fear right now? Show of hands.

Skara waves like she’s Miss El Paso on a float,

Gracias! El año de la oferta gratuita de queso se haya calentado mi corazón! Te amo, El Paso!

Paula has entered this year’s contest and designed her own Coke cup. And she’s wearing it tonight. That’s the way to sell it, sista!

Simon is wearing one of his usual four for ten dollars t-shirts. And bronzer. Lots and lots of bronzer. I wonder what he would look like without it.

Uh oh, Nutri System lady! You got beat in the star power audience race!

Sarahcuda loves her AI.

It’s Rat Pack Night, and we are treated to a big band. Sweet! Ever since I turned sixty I just can’t get enough of that big band sound. Or Medium. Or pee breaks. Skara dances to the music while Randy shamelessly checks out her rack.

The reason AI is four hours tonight is because there is a segment on Hambert getting ten pounds of makeup carefully applied to his face.

It took less time to turn Jim Carrey into the Grinch.

There’s a surprise mentor this week! The Rat Pack’s all dead, so it can’t be them. Still, part of me clings to the hope that Frankie’s coffin will be carted in so we can hear him roll around while the kids massacre his music. All we know at first is that the mentor’s chauffeur is Tattoo from Fantasy Island. And he’s put on a few lbs.

OMG IT’S JAMIE FOXX!! Unfortunately, he’s not method so he doesn’t show up acting like the schizzed out homeless dude he plays in his latest movie.

Now this guy I could get behind.

If they’re gonna bring on Jamie Foxx, they should have done it the week Miley Cyrus was there so he could have called her a stupid bitch to her face. How am I not a producer on this show yet? Supposedly the kids don’t know he’s coming, yet when he arrives they’re gathered around the piano listening to Gums fals riff Georgia on My Mind in six different keys and one bad hat. One thing I really like about Hambert is that during these “impromptu fun times with the cast” moments, you can always catch him looking directly into the camera like “get me away from these geeks PLEASE.”

Foxx looks way younger and cuter than any of the roles he plays. I’ve also never noticed his head. It’s giant.

Bangs. Try em.

He tells us that he didn’t think he would “feel” the kids, but ended up liking them after all. LOL. How can you not love Jamie Foxx? Unless you’re Hanna Montana? He takes a pic with everyone. Ham looks like he’s pretending he’s not there. And who’s trying to be who? Is Gums Giraud trying to look like Church Lady Gokey or the other way around?

Krispy Twink is up first, and he and Tink are starting to make me think something unholy is going on backstage. The touching, the hugging. Now they’re identical cousins. WTF?

One more K and you’re gonna have a riot on your hands, little girl.

Twink asks Krispy some dumb question, and Krispy gives a dumb answer. What should have been asked: why don’t you ever wipe that pudding smudge off your upper lip?

How come the homely girls in the mosh pit always have their arms raised? It’s like an underarm flab museum in that pit.

Kris is singing “The Way You Look Tonight”. Every mom in America just peed a tiny spot on their couches. Moms love this song. Jamie loves that Krispy isn’t trying to “sing throat Olympics”. LOL. WHAT? Maybe he did show up as the guy from The Soloist. With a bigger head. Anyway, what’s wrong with throat Olympics?

RIP

Greatest Throat Olympian of all time.

Jamie loves him and offers to make a record with him, which touches Krispy cuz he doesn’t think he matches up to anyone vocally this season. AW! Don’t feel that way, little man! You’re all equally mediocre. Feel better? (Head pat.) Jamie says that once Krispy hits the stage, “they’re gonna be blown away and not even know it!” Jamie is proving to be more quotable than Paula.

All that praise might have freaked the kid out or something, cuz his first notes are painful and off key. The sax player gives up.

I will have no part in this.

His second verse gets a lot better, and he sounds great as he belts. Then he slips into his fals and kinda bones it again. One of the things Krispy has going for him is his originality in the arrangement department. He sings this one straight up, and it showcases his lack of originality in the vocal department. Still, his voice is nice and towards the end, when he keeps it in belt, he kicks butt. But then he ends on a painful, shaky fals note. If you don’t have a strong fals, don’t use it so much yo! Why does Krispy blink so hard and kinda twitch his head? And why doesn’t he use hair product? At least he makes funny faces. He could release an album of faces and make millions.

That mic just got a boner.

There are so many screaming tweens when he’s done, it sounds like a train screeching to a stop. This girl acts like she was just called to be on The Price is Right.

Randy says “dude” and “in it to win it”. Which is good. I think. Yes. Yes it is. He thinks this was Krispy’s best performance to date. Skara says that tonight is the night to show off technical skills, and he set the bar high. He’s a dark horse! How are you a dark horse when you’re never in the bottom and you’re cute enough to put on a LOLcat poster? Paula wipes her mouth on her dress and says a lot of big words. Simon thinks it was “wet”. ?? Krispy’s like taking a well trained spaniel for a walk. I don’t know what that means, but I hate walking my dog, so I think I’m with him on this one. He thinks Krispy isn’t showing anything great and is too blah to win. Krispy’s mom gets super pissed, and his dad pretends that he can’t see her glaring at him to get up and do something.

Tink asks Simon what he meant by “wet”, and Simon says “not dry”. Wow. That’s why he makes the big bucks. Tink tells Krispy to go dry off, and Krispy laughs like that is the most hilarious thing he’s ever heard and then twitches a little.

Uh oh. Cholaheta’s up next, and she’s wearing Tatyana’s homeless ballerina skirt. That can’t be a good sign. She’s out!

Chola turned seventeen yesterday, and Tink asks her how it feels. She is excited cuz in one more year she will be able to work a cash register at the 99 cent store for minimum wage instead of singing in the towel aisle for tips. Then she launches into a fascinating story about the cast and her family surprising her with a cake. Krispy and Chola need to make a “don’t speak” pact and stick with it. Their numbers will soar. She’s singing “Someone to Watch Over Me”, and says that she’s too young to have a boyfriend. That’s news to me, cuz I was just reading about teen sexting in line at the grocery store. It’s sweet that she’s innocent, though, even if it’s a lie. Jamie tells her that since she doesn’t have a f buddy she should sing the song to Cholamama. AWWWW!!! But dumb, cuz the song is about wanting a man, not having one. And one thing I know is that seventeen year olds are old enough to want men. I still have the Footloose poster to prove it.

First off, Chola looks great tonight. Even in the homeless ballerina skirt. Nice work, glam squad! She may be young in years to sing love songs (still don’t buy it), but she sounds old enough to have invented them. I close my eyes while she sings and picture my great aunt LuLu singing, cuz she’s an eighty six year old virgin and when she sings in the shower she kinda sounds like Chola. Of course LuLu still sings “Rub a Dub Dub” and not love songs, but it’s sweet all the same.

Chola belts the crap out of the song, and she sounds great in an ate up gonna be voiceless in three years kinda way. It’s nice to hear her work with a ballad. She has low soft notes and belt notes and riffs, and she hits them all. She even nails the high note at the end. Atta girl! The audience is nice to her, but there is considerably less train screeching to a stop sounds. Randy thought she was gonna blow it, but she came out looking like Brittany Murphy. Slam! She was the bomb and kept it in her style. Skara calls her girl and talks in blackspeak and rolls her head, and you gotta wonder if she just has that general accent for every minority she has to address. She loved it and says it should land her in the finals. George Lopez also loved it.

Paula puts a plastic diamond ring under her napkin dress, and when she pulls it out it’s a dove! WOWEEE! So we all know that Paula pre-writes her critiques now so she doesn’t sound like a drunk idiot, but she’s getting out of hand. She’s spouting off movie reviews for Christmas sake.

When Paula’s done, some girl in the audience starts screaming like she’s being chased in the woods. Simon isn’t sure about the performance and asks Chola if she thinks she can win. She says that yes, they all can win. Simon doesn’t buy her self confidence and thinks she’s in troubs. I called it! It’s the skirt! He thinks that it was a mechanical performance and only scored a 7 out of ten. Skara thinks he’s skarazy. Gums Giraud is up next with “My Funny Valentine”, and he’s posing on the platform.

Uh…Jerry Lewis wasn’t in the Rat Pack.

Gums tells Tink that he studied jazz in college and got a B, so he’s really excited for this week. I really wish he wouldn’t hide the fetus on his forehead. The single moms aren’t ashamed of their kids, and single dads shouldn’t be either. Jamie doesn’t have any advice after their rehearsal, but he calls Gums back later to help him out. He thinks there’s too much riffing and he wants Gums to hold a fals note and build it. Gums tries, and a vein almost pops out of his neck. Jamie doesn’t notice.

Poor Gums.

Jamie talks him into changing the key and thinks if he does it in his full voice, he could take the number one spot. He starts soft and smokey and it sounds pretty good, but by the end of the first verse, he’s wavering and a little shaky. His fals note sounds gorge, but when he gets back to the verse he’s off again. Then he gets on the belt train and knocks it out. Man, this guy is so up and down I never know what to think. I thought Jamie’s advice would sink him, but the belt notes are the best part. He doesn’t do anything interesting with the song, though, and it’s definitely the most boring performance so far. It doesn’t help that he’s smiling and winking the whole time like he’s in a gum commercial instead of feeling it. And that hat isn’t doing his ears any favors.

I was really rooting for him to kick ass tonight, because there haven’t been any surprises this season. Ah well. Maybe Church Lady will surprise me by not making me bang my head on the desk the whole time he performs. Randy gives him credit for choosing the hardest song of the night, but says it was iffy and pitchy and it was a six out of ten. Skara didn’t feel emotional connection. Paula loved it. Simon did too. HUH? He wants Chola out bad. He thinks it’s the only believable, authentic song of the night and compares him to Nat King Cole. Nat King Cole is laughing so hard right now. Simon is a rigger.

Ow my head. Well there goes that surprise.

Finally. A chance for my stretch marks to be STAAAHHHHHS!

Church Lady is singing “Come Rain or Come Shine”, and he wears the same stupid hat that Gums wore in a different color. He seems a little uncomfortable with Jamie, so Jamie “gets up in his greel” and scares him into turning in a decent rehearsal.

Damn, that shaved trick jawline had me fooled from back there. I thought you were Brad Pitt.

Certs?

Jamie says that’s how Michael Mann directs, but I think that’s just the dirty old man’s excuse to get within kissing distance of Leo DiCaprio. Church spends the first half of the song singing soft and straight, and wowzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He misses some notes, but worse, it’s the first time he’s actually been plain boring. Then he does what he does best. Shouts. The second half of the song sounds great for shout fans. It’s amazing that he can sing from any genre and make the songs all sound exactly the same. Like this: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGGH!

Meatoaf

No herky jerky white boy dancing today. COME ON!! Give me something! Oh wait. He’s trying something new. I love “My Name is Chubby” jokes!!

I don’t know why I am thinking of this, but the image of Days of Our Lives’ Kristen’s twin, Susan won’t get out of my head. It pops up every time Church Lady comes on. Weird.

To really top himself, he ends by throwing coupons for free Big Macs into the audience. They go nuts. Especially this chick.

Randy loved it and thinks he could have a standard album. I think it might be cheesy five years ago goatee love. Skara says that she’s been missing his swagger all season and that tonight he had it and it was the most creative he’s ever been with the melody. Paula cleans the desk with her napkins while calling him stellar a lot. I think she ran out of writing time. Simon agrees with the swagger comment and thinks Church Lady proved a point with his vocals. He adds the word brilliant. I would rather buy an album of sounds from a chicken plant, but that’s just me.

How SPECIAL.

Got Gokey?

Just Do Gokey.

Switching to Gokey can save you hundreds on car insurance!

Church Lady hearts Lens Crafters.

Ham’s got the pimp spot tonight, AGAIN, and he’s singing “Feelin’ Good”. I love this song, and it’s kinda funny that he’s singing it cuz if Nina Simone was on American Idol, she would be ripped limb from limb. “You sound like a man. A very depressed man. With a cold.” Jamie thinks it’s great, but is kinda offended that Ham’s not nervous around him. “You don’t care who I am at all.” Bwahahahah. Ham’s in an Ellen DeGeneres suit, and he starts off soft and spitty on the red lit staircase.

Once the soft part ends, he growls out “GOOOOD!” and the horns start popping. Ham is so Jessica Rabbit right now. All he’s missing is a feather boa. He sashays and squeal/yells the song out like an old lady getting beaten up. He misses a few notes and the whole thing kinda leaves me cold, but he is the only one who really added his own flavor to a song tonight from beginning to end and it’s fitting that on Rat Pack night he turned in an unabashed Vegas performance. On tour he’ll have more freedom to add roid heads in sparkly bikini briefs and cartwheeling midgets from Cirque Du Soleil. And I will be in the front row. When he squeals out his final screech, it lasts longer than Les Miz. He’s so winning this thing. Just a sidenote, his snake tongue freaks me out.

Bathroom break.

His cute little boyfriend is missing from the audience again this week, and I’m officially worried. Randy thinks it was a little too Broadway but he’s consistently in the zone. Skara says her mouth drops open every time he sings because he’s so shocking and sleazy. LOL. Ok Skara is winning me over. That’s the best critique ever. Paula calls line, but no one has her script and she has a meltdown. She says he’s like Michael Phelps, but mushier, wearing makeup, and sporting better teeth. Then she folds her napkins into kissing swans. Simon says Randy complaining about Ham being theatrical is like complaining that a cow moos. He says he likes that Ham comes out to win every single week and then tells Tink that he can’t ever use the stairs again cuz Ham had the entrance of the year. Tink says he’ll never even attempt to walk down them like Ham did. HA. So what did you guys think? Gums or Chola are out fo sho, eh? I hope it’s Gums. See you in results!