American Idol Results: Hicks, Hams and Toothpic Gams

Intensity. Drama. White people doing runs. Judges using the word “brilliant” way too much. Jamie Foxx saying things like “five people who shocked the world” and “throat Olympics “. Choir directors who look like lesbians with glued on chin hair.

This. Is the end of the world. And THIS. Is American Idol Results!

Now that Earth day has come and gone, the producers can go back to using 8,000,000,000 kw of power to light the stage. Poor Tink is squinting. Surely the tanning bed has already started the skin cancer process, but this show has sealed his fate. Poor little guy will be dead by 50.

AHHHH! IT BUUUURNS!

I don’t know how I missed this shot last night, but I did. Thanks to FOX for the extra hour of filler or this pic would be lost to me forever.

LOL

So this has nothing to do with the show, but I was just messing around on Facebook and FozzieBare posted a video of Sarah Palin on American Chopper. I need to become besties with Palin, just so I could have dibs on this couch when she passes away.

Back to the show. Randy arrived tonight very confident in his heterosexuality. He’s gained a lot of weight back, so he stole Hambert’s Mary Kay lady’s pink Cadillac and wore it. With the Mary Kay Lady still in it.

Give me back my car you maniac! I sold 95,000 lipsticks for this thing!

Look at this kid in the audience. He is reacting to nothing.

I love this show.

The newly crowned Miss El Paso rides by on her float and waves like the Queen of England.

¡Gracias por sus votos, El Paso! ¡Vuelva a la casa de mi mamá para cierta grandes comida, tequilas, y música del mariachi!

Paula was running a bit behind tonight. You can tell because her scalp is visible, which means she didn’t have time to pick a wig. She just wrapped herself in as much tinfoil QVC jewelry as she could and ran out the door. She didn’t even have time to notice that there’s a little robot clawing into the side of her head, sucking out witticisms while her boobs take their weekly sip of Coke.

Simon is his usual butt cut just rolled out of bed self. He tells Tink that when he went back and watched the show on TV, everyone was good and it’s the first season where anyone could win. Good mood! Someone’s getting laid. And her name is Susan Boyle.

The Ford commercial is about Gums Giraud getting ready to do what he has to do to make it in Hollywood.

Hold those ankles as tight as you can and maybe find something to bite down on. Like a pillow.

It’s all done in black and white today. It’s called ART, umkay? There’s a car in the middle of the desert and everyone races to get to it. Hambert kinda walks behind everyone like “There is no way in hell I’m running for a cheap ass Ford” and Church Lady runs like a knock kneed girl.

America’s favorite Chola pretty much sums up the experience of driving a Ford for us.

The car is on fire and barreling towards them, but unfortunately misses. Instead, it drives around them and turns the desert into a lush garden. Because cars are really. Really. Really good for the environment. Especially Fords, cuz they only work for a couple years. Can’t pollute if your car don’t run.

The group number is “Don’t Mean a Thing if it Ain’t Got That Swing”, and it’s not pre-recorded. Cholaheta tips us off by singing her line off key. Gums is next, and he adds as many runs as he can into one line. He is hiding his forehead fetus again tonight with a fedora pulled as far down as it would go, which just makes him look like a grumpy old man. A drunk one.

Krispy Twink sings next, but all I hear is plaid. Please. Make him stop wearing plaid every. Single. Day. Church Lady and Hambert are there too, and they add their growl/squeal like a pissed off bat sounds, respectively. As far as being the most talented cast EVAH, that blew. It was both Church Lady and Cholaheta’s birthday this week, so to celebrate, the kids all made cake. Guess who ended up doing everything?

Do Church and Gums really not know how stupid they both look? When two chicks realize they’re wearing the same thing, they fight it out and one changes. Why are boys so retarded? These two have brought shame upon the impulse bad hat rack by the cash registers at the GAP, and it’s unforgivable. OMG you guys are not gonna believe what happens next! A FOOD FIGHT!!! Call the wacky police! Natalie! Blair! Tootie! Someone’s gonna clean this up and her name isn’t Mrs. G! Notice how Hambert stays as far away as possible.

You ain’t fuckin with my wig. If I don’t give this back to Liza in pristine shape, I’ll never be able to show my face at Jo Allen’s again.

Tink has a gift for Church, and it’s a cleaning bill for six thousand bucks and AI will only pay it if Church wins. Woah. What the f maid company did they hire? They should have just stopped in front of a Homo Depot and grabbed some migrant workers. They’ll work for Whoppers. The burger, not the candy. I tried paying in candy once and almost got my face broken. Don’t f with migrant workers.

And now for some results. Gums is sent to the side of the stage. He says he was really happy with the emotional connection he had with his song last night. I wish there was a cut to Skara at that point, cuz you know she was like

.

Church Lady, how did it feel to have the Simon slobber all over your bawls? (Really deep artistic face) “I just started to focus in…on…huh…you know, the comment…”

No really. Keep talking.

“…see you know when he critiques, he’ll just say somethin’, and that leaves you at that…so I had to start lookin’ at the videos and start…? Honestly…watching performers…and what they do…and tryin’ ta, and tryin’ ta…”

You’re doing great. We’ve got all the time in the world.

“…take that…take part of that an’, an’ git it in my performance. Imean there’s really no perfeck equation that I’ve come up with yet…but I believe I’m headed for…I’m headed towards the right direction.”

YOU DID IT!!

What a fucking moron. And where is his accent coming from all the sudden? Suddenly he’s Lil’ Bow Wow. He is sent to the other side of the stage. Chola, how did it feel when Simon said you were in trouble this week?

Uhhhhhh….I…….yay?

Watch out Diane Sawyer, this kid’s comin’ for your gig. Krispy Twink, how did you feel when Simon called you wet? Krispy doesn’t have an answer for that, so he works the most honed skill in his toolbox.

He says that he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t think he could win, and Simon says “I believe what he says” with an eye roll. Krispy is sent over to Gums’ side, which means my early Church Lady elimination dream is dead. Ham’s next, and the audience goes nuts. Tink forces Ham to choose whether he belongs with Gums and Krispy or Chola and Church. How is Ham 26? He has crow’s feet. He says that based solely on last night he chooses Church and Chola. NOPE!!! WTF? He’s in the bottom three? A girl screams like she was just kicked in the teeth. Church Lady tries not to jump up and down and woohoo.

It’s called the power of prayer, people.

Paula says that they’re all stars (like the stars made out of Reynolds Wrap you can buy on QVC NOW) and that the judges are proud to have selected them “but you’ve made us prouder to ex..cee…d our expectations.”

HUH?

Tink gives Simon shit for making so many wrong calls last night, and Simon laughs and admits it but says it’s not crazy to let America have her way. He congratulates Church and Chola and Gums gives them his best.

I wish you were both f ing dead right now. This hat cost $500. And now it’s wasted! Wasted!

Randy talks about hanging out with Jamie Foxx before the show about producing Whitney and drinking with Mariah and winning a Grammy. Thanks, Randy. Tink asks Skara why her mouth fell open when Ham was told he was in the bottom and she says her mouth always does that for Ham.

Gross. The other judges think so too. If you even make a known predator (Paula) uncomfortable with your sexual innuendo, you need to just sit there and not speak.

At some point, this guy should just fart really loudly. It works every time.





Notice how his entire head is never in one shot.

Natalie Cole’s here! And no, she’s not singing another song with her dead dad from her Unforgettable album. She’s singing a song her dead dad didn’t sing in her new album containing songs with her dead dad, Still Unforgettable. Man, I wish I could cash in on my dad like that. I will be selling a CD starting today on TVgasm called Still Lebanese. It will contain recordings of my Dad talking about how his back hurts while I talk over him about babies coming out of foreheads. We all have rent, k? And didn’t Simon just tell Gums he sounded like Nat King Cole last night? He’s lucky Natalie didn’t come out and beat his ass for that one.

She looks great in her gold kimono. Some of the best plastic surgery I have ever seen.

Well done!

The camera pulls back, though, and Nat’s legs are like toothpics. Either she’s been working out or she’s back on the crack pipe. Considering the shape her voice is in, I’m going with B.

She does that talk singing thing she does, but it’s more off key than usual. Whenever she goes for big notes, she kinda slides up and nasally shouts them. Yikes. I like her in general, though, and I look forward to hearing this song in the grocery store for the next year or so. Yikes at the end she does a jazz yell riff thing and it’s frightening. Most apt song title of the night. She’s going on tour this Summer. To Korea! LOL. Sounds….safe.

Taylor Hicks is next. I’ve always felt bad for this one. He looks like Bea Arthur (God Bless ya lady) and twitches and has to read quotes like Simon’s “he’s not a star and he never will be” in magazines. He won his season handily, yet no one has bought his music. Why? For answers, I went to my friend Amanda, who is the only proud Hicks fan I know. She thinks it’s because at all his concerts, his fans show up and scare anyone who might be trying to get into him. According to her, “The Soul Patrol” consists of really old, mean ladies in pleather pants that block the front of the stage and don’t let anyone who’s not under fifty and drunk and evil past them. She paid for one of his shows and said that the old harpies stood there angrily and gave everyone dirty looks and when people went to the front to dance, the ladies elbowed them. LOLOLLLL. People should cut Taylor some slack. It’s a recession and he’s hiring drunk homeless rednecks right off the street to try and make a better world.

Hanna Montana or Britney would never hire this guy.

He’s singing some bluegrass/country/rock song with the lyrics “I hope someone cares about me”. OK this is the most apt song title of the night. Sorry, Nat. When he sang those words I pressed pause, bowed my head, and “awwwww!”ed. Nope, still don’t care. Every song in this genre sounds exactly the same to me so I’m bored, but still. Say what you will about this guy, he has stage presence, personality (although a really odd one), and he hits his notes. Church Lady hasn’t ever looked like more of a cheap imitation hack poseur than he does after this performance.

I predict Church Lady will show up next week and play the kazoo.

The Judges give him a standing O. Even Simon. But then when he sits down he makes this face.

Tink points out that he lost weight. Really? How fat was he? He looks the same. Back to eliminations. One person gets to go to safety. And it’s……Krispy Twink! Woah. This might be a surprise elimination after all. Gums couldn’t possibly beat Ham, could he? COULD HE?!?!? Who cares? Jamie Foxx is here with his song “Blame It”. He starts with a lot of “yoyoyo”s and a wiener grab as a tribute to Gums.

He doesn’t even pretend to actually sing. He recorded his voice through an effect. A really bad one. He sounds like the maid from The Jetsons. How long has this crap been number one? Another DAMN I’M OLD performance. Bring back Natalie! I’m sorry about the crack crack! Jamie spins around and touches himself a lot. I can’t take it. FF. When I press play he grabs his wiener for the thirtieth time and then does some really sad pop locking. Natalie, then Taylor, then Jamie. This is a really depressing show. Jamie tells Tink that the contestants are the most talented people he’s seen in ten years. Simon seems turned on by that.

Tink asks Jamie what it’s like watching the show with girls, and he says that black girls always “oh my God!” at Hambert. Uh, I think that’s the reaction of every race and sex on the planet. Jamie keeps talking about how the kids are all artists, and finishes by plugging his movie.

My new couch when he still had a job.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Tink makes fun of Simon’s bad calls this week again. Simon says one week out of twelve isn’t bad. Gums and his baby are out!!

He should have worn this.

Gums takes it really well and is very sweet and humble, thanking the judges. Then he does his swan song. Instead of being bored by this all over again, let’s just sit back and reflect on what we learned from this kid.

Floss.

Next week is rock week with Slash!! See you guys then!