American Idol: Rock Isn’t Dead, but it Could Use a Haircut

Tonight on American Idol, Church Lady screams like the Wicked Witch in the rain and Paula doesn’t do drugs. Booooo!

Have you seen my puppy little girl?

We open with a clip from last week, THE MOST SHOCKING BOTTOM THREE EVAH!!! So shocking that Cholaheta’s mom doubled over, and she never does that.

Santa Maria madre de dios! Jesus Christo Superestrella!

OK that was rigged anyway and we all know it. Last week the iTunes store “accidentally” published the top ten AI downloads and Hambert had six out of the ten. So whatevs. People have been saying all week that there’s no way America would vote for a gay dude to be the American Idol, and I say that’s just rubbish. America votes for gay people all the time. Really hideous ones. Who talk like Elmer Fudd.

Whewe’s dat wabbit?

The shocks didn’t stop when the show ended. In the most shocking shocks of our shocking times, Paula Abdul came out this week (right before her new robotic voiced single drops, shock) with news that she’s been addicted to pain killers for twelve years. You know Chola’s mom got her Ladie’s Home Journal in the mail this week and was like

Santo guacamole! Esa mierda de la NUTS!

Paula, who’s lied about taking drugs for years, insists that she’s never once been high during an Idol performance. LOL. She was just an addict the other twenty three hours on those days. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not judging her (any more than usual). I actually miss the drug days. They made her babbling monologues funny. Now that she doesn’t have pills as an excuse, it’s just sad. Does anyone care? No. Let’s get on with the show! How is it possible that Hambert’s face changes week to week? He’s morphing into someone new right before our eyes and we won’t be able to tell who until the finale.

But I’m gonna go ahead and guess Kris Kardashian.

Tink does his usual run up the stairs and walk back down thing before announcing that there was some kinda mishap earlier in the day. I read on realityblurred that the stage manager fell down the stage and then “the set exploded”. WTF? I told you that stage was dangerous! Tink doesn’t give us any of the deets, which is fishy. I suspect Obama tried to fly his plane over the set for some publicity photos.

The best part of the story is that the stage manager was taken out on a stretcher in a neck brace “waving and smiling as she left.” LOL. No reason to not be pleasant about it, right? Anyway, Tink says that tonight the show is “very live” because there was no dress rehearsal. YAYYYY. Paula didn’t have a chance to pre-write her notes! This is gonna be some good times.

Usually at this point in the game, the contestants start singing two songs each to fill the hour, but since we have four judges and unlimited pointless blather to let them spew, everyone will be doing one song and one duet. HUH? This isn’t a team sport! And why didn’t they announce this sooner so Church Lady Gokey could have saved the duet “Endless Love” for tonight instead of subjecting us to his adult contemporary masturbation scene a few weeks ago?

Let’s say hello to the judges! Tink calls Randy the staple, which I’m sure started when Randy got the lap band taken off and littered stomach staples wherever he went. Randy’s in a t-shirt sporting tiled Japanese characters. I put them through Google Translate and wasn’t surprised about what they spelled at all.

Six Dollar Burger FTW

Skara doesn’t do a beauty queen wave, cuz tonight she’s all rock and roll. Chola bangs and bedazzled leather. She looks like she got wasted, threw up, made out with Bret Michaels, sobbed on a speed bump and then got scraped up and placed in her seat. Have I mentioned how much I already miss Rock of Love: Tour Bus?

If she tries to put a shot glass in her jayjay I’m turning the channel.

Paula tries to give her rock hand signals, but her heavy ass rings look like they are starting to take their toll.

Carpal tunnel isn’t just an urban legend, Paula.

Simon looks great tonight. He’s kinda feathered his butt cut and is wearing a nice shiny t-shirt instead of an undershirt. Who is he banging?

And now for tonight’s mentor. Some people look at Slash and think of the brilliant lead guitarist for Guns N’ Roses. I see the guy making sculptures out of his boogars that I don’t wanna get stuck waiting for the bus next to.

The contestants all meet Slash at The Roxy on the strip and will get their mentoring sessions with Slash and his band. Ham rocks his head as Slash plays, which cracks me up. Ham has really committed himself to his whole rocker persona on AI, but if you search his name on YouTube it’s all cabaret performances and showtunes and stuff. I wonder if Slash has YouTubed Ham.

Dude, I just gotta say, that number from Brigadoon you do on YouTube rocked my world.

Hambert’s first with “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin. Slash’s advice is to not go too nuts in the squeal register cuz his lower notes sound really good. Not gonna happen but thanks, k? Ham comes out with a new haircut, and my Kris Kardashian prediction wasn’t far off.

He opens with Cher face.

Ham’s really got the hair band thing down pat. Every time he sings my mind wanders back to being dropped off at the roller rink with enough money for my skate rental and a pickle. My meemaw told me metal was the devil’s music, and it was all they played at the rink so I would hide in a corner by the snack bar and listen to Amy Grant on my walkman til my mom came to pick me up four hours later. I guess what I’m trying to say is Ham makes me feel abandoned. He also makes me crave pickles.

Predictably, he nails this one. Was it all screeching squealing shouting squirming and pain? Yes, but that’s the point. And he did the Cher/Elvis hybrid face like five times, so I’m all for him. Another thing he did this week was cross one eye to look at his nose while the other looked out at the audience. This guy has an unlimited amount of tricks.

Focus.

The audience loses their minds. This twelve year old developed a worry crease in two minutes. Poor thing. Hambert is bad for your face.

Randy says there was no Broadway in that performance, and he means it as a compliment. Skara calls Ham a Rock GOD and it’s time to bring back glam rock from the eighties cuz no one’s doing it. Imagine that, no one doing glam rock from the eighties. Then Skara starts screaming. And she doesn’t stop. Paula calls him “A Whole Lotta Perfect”. She may not have had a dress rehearsal to write notes on the performance, but she had a song list to base her witticisms on! Simon teases that the performance was underrated and calls it one of Ham’s best pieces. He finishes with “nobody can top that!” But I can’t wait to see Church Lady try!

Cholaheta has her usual look of shock that she’s on TV. I wish that whoever directs this show would stop making Chola sit on that damn stool in her tight clothes. It’s not flattering.

She has new hair tonight, and tells Tink that she went to Ham’s wig stylist. Sharing! Slash doesn’t have much advice for her. He just wants her to let go of her fear. Thanks for being here, Slash! Chola’s singing Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby”. I love me some Janis Joplin!! Did you know that she was voted ugliest man on campus in college? How can you not root for her? Even though she’s, you know, dead. Go Janis! Slash may not have had much advice for Chola, but she ran with what he gave her. No fear there today. She throws all caution to the wind and belts the shit out of the song. She sounds like Janis would if she had lived to be fifty.

The fun part of Idol is watching these fish come into their own. Chola hasn’t changed much from week to week, and the song or the performance wasn’t that different from her usual bag of tricks, but she opened up and kicked some butt. I worry for her though, cuz when her song is over Skara looks bored/mad.

I can’t believe Ham wore my jacket. What a bitch.

Randy didn’t love the song choice, Skara thinks she looked nervous and agrees she could have chosen a better song. She also points out that everyone makes fun of Chola for not having personality, but she does when she sings. Uh, thanks? Paula calls Chola fearless. Simon thinks that the difference in her from the beginning to now is staggering, but she didn’t show much originality. He says he would have preferred the Queen song, and she corrects him. It was Jefferson Airplane, and she didn’t sing it cuz she thought it was too safe. He still would have chosen the other song. She is getting annoyed with him, and he sarcastically tells her “just beg. Go on!” So she snaps that he’s always bitching that she doesn’t talk so maybe she should start talking a lot. HAHA. PLEASE DO. Simon seems to love that he finally got her to be pissy on TV, and she does it in an endearing way. I hope it doesn’t get her eliminated. Simon gives Chola credit for talking back to him, and she starts arguing all over again. LOL. He really set her off.

Finally, the inner chola starts to surface.

Krispy Twink and Church Lady are the first to duet. They are singing “Renegade”. Two white prayer leaders from mega church singing “Renegade”. YAY!! They start a capella: Krispy with pudding smudge on his face and Church Lady with his shaved on movie star jawline. I love that Church Lady’s idea of rock is not tucking in his dress shirt.

Hardcore. He’ll be choking on his own vomit after the show.

Krispy’s voice is a little thin for rock singing, and it shows here. Church growl shouts exactly the same as he does when he sings anything, but this time he has a look of confused terror the whole time.

Check, please!

When they sing together you can’t even hear poor Krispy, except for the times when he misses notes, which is a lot of times. This is awkward and painful to watch, but Krispy throws in some sideways mouth goodness and Church highlights his whiteness with his DJ wiggy-wiggy hand gestures and exact ooh ooh ooh runs. Ouch. Make it stop.

Randy thinks their harmonies were great but the individual vocals were only ok. Skara says it’s funny they sang “renegade” cuz they’re the types to help poor little old ladies cross the street. LOL. She calls them out on being off key. Paula says they were “powerful and compelling.” What, are they a book on Oprah’s book club list? Simon agrees with his face.

LOL.

Simon has no idea what to say, so he just says Church was better than Krispy. Rude! But less hurtful than the performance. Krispy doesn’t take it well.

AWWWW, little Twinky! Come here! Let’s hug! Now get on your knees.

Krsipy’s next with his solo, and he’s doing The Beatles. He chose “Revolution” but ended up with “Come Together”. That story? Fascinating. They really need to get rid of the interviews. We cut to The Roxy, which is surprising cuz I didn’t know that club even allowed Beatles songs. Krispy’s nervous playing guitar in front of Slash and says he almost peed his pants. Man up, kid! Slash tells him to be “more animated” and Krispy nods like he knows just what Slash is saying. He so doesn’t. Slash should have said “you’re boring. Stop that.” It would have been more helpful.

He doesn’t do anything original with it. I thought he would turn it into a soft rock ballad, which he probably could have handled. But he didn’t, and he can’t belt out the opening notes like he needs to. If you have trouble getting enough cojones to sing The Beatles, you’re in trouble. This sounded better in Across the Universe, and that’s sad.

Reeeeach!

The backup singer out sings him, and by the end of the number, the poor kid sounds like he’s going through puberty all over again. The tweens squeal at the top of their lungs, but Krispy still looks sad about Simon’s diss. Randy says it was obvious he’s not a rocker, but he appreciated that he made the effort with the guitar. Randy seems almost as bored as these kids.

Skara whines that Kris has moooore insiiiiide hiiiiiiiim and it waaaasn’t greeeeat. Paula liked the “artistic delivery on it” and his personal signature “is the difference between it.” The audience is laughing, and Paula accuses Simon of making hand gestures while she’s talking. She has no inkling that her specific style of butchering English has become so fun.

See?

She ends her babbling by calling him an artist with her mouth and a loser with her hand.

Simon says the performance was like eating ice for lunch: “it will leave you with nothing to remember”. It will also leave you thin, so that advice works in many ways. Boring, safe, and it didn’t top Ham. Girls scream at Simon his whole time. Tink says Simon’s too rich to eat ice for lunch, and Simon says it’s made from mineral water. Aren’t you glad I rehashed that? I just wanted you guys to know Abbot and Costello may be dead, but they’re not forgotten. Twink looks like he’s gonna cry. He doesn’t even flirt with Tink.

This happened because you didn’t wear plaid. I hope you learned your lesson.

Sometimes I can understand why people fall in love with prisoners.

Church Lady’s up next with “Dream On”. Bwhahahahahahaha. This is gonna be sucktacular. Slash isn’t too confident. His take? “It could go either way.” Church has changed his outfit to full on rock. By that I mean a dress shirt and a vest. He has trouble with the beginning, cuz he can’t just yell it out. He misses notes, looks terrified, and when he finally does a sloppy slide to his upper register, I know that this is the moment I’ve been waiting for all season.

Buckle up!

Once he gets to his growl yell section he does a pretty good job until he has to sustain a full belt note without vibrato. It’s way off key. Then he adds a scat. A SCAT!! BWAHAH. Even his scat is off, but he might just be distracted. Paula’s making a complete ass out of herself.

Then he starts screeching high notes and ends with a thirty second little girl being taken off in a creepy white van yell. Paula sits her ass down during it, that’s how bad it is.

Guess who you’re not? HAMBERT. Stop trying, poseur. Taylor Hicks is at least an attainable goal. The audience screams. I would too. I’d be running out of that place like it’s on fire.

Danny smiles and scrunches up his face at the crowd all cutesy like. Randy says it was just ok, but he gets an A plus for effort. Skara thinks he added too much swagger and edge and chose the wrong song. Paula thinks it was the wrong song but is a huge fan. Ouch. She might as well have called him pretty. She adds that she gives him an A plus plus for going for it. Simon says the last note was like a scene from Friday the 13th.

All you need to get fans is talent or boobs.

Simon mentions how great Hambert was again but thinks that Church Lady is safe. Church says that he will go back and listen but he thinks it was good. Tink reminds us that he’s never been in the bottom three and Church is all isn’t that

Sp.

Eeeeeecial?!?

Hambert and Chola are up next with their duet. Ham may have gone first tonight, but the producers still found a way to hand him that pimp spot. They wipe the floor with Church and Krispy, and Ham even makes time to do a little Church Lady knock kneed joke.

To add insult to injury, some chick in the audience flashes Ham the Church Lady Lens Crafters Love sign!

Convert. Ouch.

They have a good time and hug each other at the end. Aw. Randy loved it and thinks they should record together, Skara says they made each other even better. Paula says they are the perfect marriage. Ah, sexless love. The audience is chanting something but I can’t hear it. Simon thinks they were the best and Ham gave Chola a chance of staying in the competition. Slam!! How was she worse than Krispy or Church? Gimme a break. What do you guys think? See you in results!