American Idol Results: From Church Lady to Cokehead in Less Than a Year.

Wow. Tonight’s American Idol results is full of greatness. If this is what a subpar season looks like then I’m ALL IN.

I don’t really have anything to say about this, but yay for kinda pretty people!

Very dramatic music plays overlaid with meaningful advice from the judges like “show more boobs” “show less boobs” “you sounded like a horse being turned into glue” “don’t suck”, etc. No one can take this show more seriously than itself. Which is why I love it. I know that no one stays young forever and this seriously isn’t a cheap shot, but you guys, what the hell is happening to Tink?

Dude. Get some sleep. And a haircut.

Let’s say hi to the judges!! Another Mr. Rogers sweater for Randy. He’s gone from hideous patterns to hideous sweaters. At least the adjective’s consistent. Ellen’s not wearing a new exciting costume that makes a statement about lesbianism tonight. Just a vest. Boooo. Skara is wearing a metallic bathing suit though. At least someone’s making an effort!

That thing’s hideous. Thank you.

Simon’s back in a black baby tee which is also good news, but so far no moobs shot. Simon says that after he watched the show on TV last night, he realized that some of the contestants he gave praise to actually sucked bawls and he’s mortified that he was nice. Ellen jokes about mistaking a piano for a guitar, and the audience laughs even though she doesn’t say anything funny. People love a good stutter, what can I tell ya?

The kids are singing “I Got a Feelin’ (Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night)”. I was dragged to “cool church” with my parents on Christmas Eve this year and this song was sung. My mom turned to me and said “This wasn’t in the Bible. Are they just making up songs now? I could do better than this.” Then later that night we got drunk and sang karaoke and she actually did do better. We put on “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” and she slurred “blah blur I do so much for everyone else and no one duz nothin fur meeeee!!!” to the tune. It sounds harsh, but it was actually heartwarming.

The boys are really selling it tonight. Well, except for Lee. He looks lost.

Carol Brady’s always saying how much stage fright he gets, but I’m kinda not buying it at this point. I think he’s just realized that that’s cute and he’s milking it. He’s also licking his lips a lot at the camera. This kid’s no fool. This one, however, is.

He’s doing a bump and grind right now that only a mother could love. A really perverted mother with no rhythm.

Stiffler’s Mom is dressed very conservatively tonight, but I pity the skunk who died to make those earrings.

Ah, youth. When she’s older she’ll find fuzz cascading out of her ears way less adorable.

As a nod of respect to past contestants, the choreographer has inserted a Blind Guy move.

Picture the free cheese line during the Great Depression. It’s cold. You’re pregnant and broke and dirty and just want a piece of damn cheese. Is it too hard to picture that? Then just look at OrganiJoplin and you’ll get it.

The role of Pepper will be played by OrganiJoplin tonight. Sorry no refunds!

Then Stiffler’s mom tries to sell us vag again. What is with this girl and open legs? It’s called temerity in Hollywood. Don’t down her for it.

The best outfit of the night goes to Sio. It takes balls to dress like you’re on your way to aerobics class in the eighties.

This girl loves jorts.

Don’t get dressed up or anything. There are only thirty million people watching you right now.

I feel like one of those old dudes in an airport grumbling “people used to dress to fly!” while shaking his crooked finger up to the Heavens. The camera guys are always molesting the girls with their lenses. Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be given birth to by Michelle?

You’re crowning!

The lip synching is off the charts tonight. They’re not even trying and it’s hilarious to watch. Green Mile only opens his mouth to woot woot. At the end, Carol Brady breathes in and out like that was just so scary and he’s proud of himself for making it through the song. Told you he was faking it. Time to kick off a boy! Tim’s about to cry.

Aw. Come here. Without your shirt.

He’s safe, of course. Fraudrick has to stay standing. Green Mile is safe, Pretty Casey is safe too, leaving Fraud and Long Duck John standing. Later Long Duck! Fraud gives him a brochure for Dance Camp on his way out. It will cost five thousand dollars and it will take place…he’ll email you later about the date and time. Long Duck doesn’t have money so he gives him his watch and then sings Gravity again. It’s much better this time. Well, maybe I’m just happy it’s the last time I have to hear it. The camera pans up to his dad in the balcony, who looks like he wants to get real friendly with gravity right now.

You have shamed the family!

Park blows the last note and his dad splatters all over the stage. Man. Dark episode.

AWWW!

The next line of boy stands. Lee’s safe. And adorable. Little Chicken’s safe. Carol Brady’s safe. MexiGokey’s in the bottom with Jermaine. I’m so sure. He’s probably shown some ego so the producers are trying to knock him down a peg. He’s so not out. Ellen misuses the word “listless”. I don’t care, but I know someone’s gonna write an angry letter about it if I don’t mention it so there you go. Jermaine’s out!! MexiGokey’s mom is thrilled cuz she’s one step closer to the real prize money that will afford her extensions the same color as her real hair.

Is your friend supporting your child or Long Duck? Separate the minorities please. We’re confused.

Tink asks Jermaine if he thinks his big mouth got his ass booted, and Jermaine says no. Then he takes a deep breath and starts a bizarre speech. “Where I sing from? You can’t be taught how to riff…and run and sing high notes. I’m a church singer? That’s where my heart is.” He continues on and on like he’s just been awarded a Grammy. It’s sad and hilarious. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. He’s gonna show up at the finale and try and drive away in that Ford. Mark my words. He says “what God’s got for me is for me” and “In God there is no failure.” He waits for the audience to applaud and “yes girl” like they do in church, but they don’t. The audience is not having that bs. And anyone who has read the Bible knows that in God there is plenty of failure. You think he flooded the world cuz people were turning in awesome performances? No. Stupid. Simon’s doing his best not to LOL. This is the kind of shit he lives for.

Jermaine sings again. He still sings well, but he also still tries to riff all over the place like a third rate Sarah Vaughn and fails. The only thing he’s showcasing tonight is a really misguided fashion sense and a Hitler stache.

Sorry dude, but Jews vote. When will Americans understand that?

Keep those palms warm, Mary. CYA! And now, the producers give me a personal gift. THE RETURN OF Church Lady!! I press pause and try to guess how the songwriters are gonna rhyme “I got a dead wife.” So go to bed life? I live through so much strife? And now I got a million dollars and new glasses donated by the ‘clinging onto my teens’ division of Lens Crafters?’ That doesn’t rhyme, but it fits. The song is called “My Best Days Are Ahead of Me (Cuz I’m Still Alive Unlike My Wife. Who Died)”.

Is this country? WTF? Is he insane? His non-descript growl voice is still intact. And as adorable as I think Lee is, come on now you guys. Admit it. He sounds just like Gokey but more off key. The song is about how your past might suck but now you have money enough to forget about it. All he f ing does is yell. Yup. Still hate his ass. What did he stuff down the front of his pants?!?! GOOD LORD DANIEL!! At first I think my eyes are playing tricks on me but nope. We’re shown a bunch of different shots and he’s got a can of RedBull in there or something. I don’t believe Gokey could have a penis that big, cuz if he did he wouldn’t be so needy and desperate for attention. He’d be fuckin.

He’s terrible. When the pain ends, Tink comes out. Gokey won’t shut the fuck up. He’s become a total cokehead!! Tink asks him why he is doing country, and he says it’s cuz Randy Travis told him to cuz he’s so soulful and talented. Then he babbles about how he wants to connect with his fans like country singers do. So you’re basically saying you chose country cuz you needed a schtick that wasn’t as competitive as pop but not as polarizing as faith. Purely business. That’s the kind of conversation you have with your manager. Not on national TV. “Hey America! Remember me! I’m a poseur! On purpose!” WTF? The country music world was pissed off enough about Carrie showing up at all their awards show and she’s an actual talented person from the sticks. Gokey’s ridiculous and they’re gonna roast him like a fresh weenie when they get ahold of him. Randy Travis is at home right now receiving some super pissed off texts.

When I press play, HE’S STILL TALKING five million miles a minute. Addict! He says that people on AI knew him as the guy with a dead wife so he wanted to move on from that by having his first single be about a dead wife written by a guy with a dead wife and he found out cuz after he recorded it he was having a dead wife burger at a fast dead food wife place and heard the dead wife composers dead name wife wife dead. UGH. GET HIM OFF MY TV!!! Skara looks thrilled, cuz since Paula left she’s been out a coke connection.

I’ll meet cha in the ladies!

As we go to commercial, Tink says how sad it is that we have to watch another two girls meet their ends. I’m NOT KIDDING. No one gets the joke.

Wait. What?

Jermaine and Long Duck are sad. They’re bringing down the poor guy next to them.

This was supposed to be fun.

Let’s boot some girls! Lilly’s safe! And whoever called her Tina Yothers is SPOT ON!! Just googled the commenter. TheMiki, congratulations! You have won an empty pack of Marlboros and a lock of my dog’s hair!!

Aaaaalex!!

She’s safe! Paige is safe! Katie’s safe! DoDo and Michelle are in the bottom. Ruhroh. I say DoDo’s safe, only cuz she sang better. Not that that’s a good reason on this show. Skara says that she didn’t like DoDo either but when she saw the show on TV Michelle blew chunks and she should go. And….Michelle’s out! She says that she tried too hard to do what the judges wanted instead of just being herself and then I kinda doze off. She sings again, but I can’t sit through this one again. FF.

Stiffler’s Mom is in! OrganiJoplin is in! Sio’s in! Her mom’s there and should be ashamed of herself for letting her kid go onstage dressed like that. The bottom two are Helayeye and Girl Gayken. Haeleye pouts, and Simon says it’s very obvious one of them is going home tonight. Haeleaey is OUT! She starts crying, then smiles. She tells Tink that she could uthe thummore exthperience and when she goes back to school she’s gonna learn. Then Debbie starts screaming at TINK!! HAHAHAH. He tells her to calm down. I don’t know what that was all about, but Debbie needs to yell at people more. The reason a giant set piece fell on her last year is becoming clearer. I blame Tink.

So back to HAELEYEYEEEAAAYUAEIOU. OK you guys. You know how it’s like so fun to make fun of the morons on this show and laugh and laugh at their insecurities and stuff? Well, TONIGHT IS THE FUNNEST IT’S EVER BEEN!!! I wanted to feel bad for Vowel as she broke down and absolutely murdered her song, but I just couldn’t. She was crying the whole time, and the producers’ downright evil choice of having her sing the ENTIRE song AFTER the montage of sadness was just too fucking wrong to not bust a lung laughing over. I feel bad for her, because you know the judges were like “will she make it? No. Will she provide a wonderful breakdown and squeal for three minutes and sate America’s appetite for the destruction of fresh faced positive youth? Yes. Cast her!” She might be talented….someday. But for tonight she was pure muscle getting ripped limb from limb for the screaming stadium of plebs. For that, American Idol, I am ever grateful.

Congrats. You’ve proved that there’s someone with less talent in the world than Cyrus. Love your flower hope it wins!