American Idol Results: There’s a Reason We Have an Age Minimum to Vote

The news on American Idol was pretty shocking this week. Shocking because I can’t believe any of us actually cared! BUT WE DID DAMMIT! There’s lots of angry tears and a distraught homeless woman waiting for us, so let’s jump in!

Does anyone have a map? Cuz my ass is lost.

Tonight! THE ANSWERS WILL BE REVEALED! Is this a flash forward or a flash sideways? Who shot JR? Will healthcare reform get passed using reconciliation? Who knows? One thing is for certain: this guy has upside down vampire teeth.

Tim is the opposite of Urban, so I love the name. I predict that he will make this face a total of three times tonight:

We get another shot of Skara fake crying.

When people truly cry they get squashed up fug faces no matter how hard they try not to and snot comes flying out of their noses for no reason.

Like this.

Tink is showing off the thinning tsunami do tonight.

It might be time to start asking them to light you from below.

I’m on a plane right now, and the flight attendants were just standing by me with their trays. Lady Flight said “this diet coke is somethin else isn’t it! How do they get so much fizz in one can?!?” Guy Flight: “Did you put the ice in first?” Lady Flight: “Yes.” Guy Flight: “That’s why. Pour it, then drop a cube in to take away fizz, then pour, then cube.” Lady Flight: “I’ve noticed you doing that for a long time but I never asked you about it!” Guy Flight: “Now you know!” Now we all know. I’m sorry if this is information you guys don’t really need in an American Idol recap, but I felt the need to inform as many people as possible because I don’t want to ever hear that lame fucking conversation again as long as I live. Thank you for you time. Back to the show right in time to watch a nuclear bomb go off on Tink’s face.

Blind Guy’s here!!! I can’t wait to see him. I’m sure he feels the same about me. Let’s say hi to the judges. Randy and Ellen look like they go to the same gay private Catholic school.

Hayell, Mary!

Skara’s in a bomber jacket. I hope she pulls an Amelia Earhart and crashes into something.

Simon’s the same. Tink tells Simon that he was very good last night and he was proud of him for telling Alex Lambert to envision Randy naked. And then we get this pic.

What? There were no pictures of Mo’nique in a bikini to photoshop? She’s gonna be super pissed that you guys got all political.

Big news coming up! First, though, let’s listen to the kids sing a Michael Buble song! Ugh, for a show about singing, they sure lend a lot of credence to Buble. That guys sucks ass. Simon must be his manager or some shit, cuz the only other time that poseur’s allowed on TV is to hawk his album in the middle of the night on infomercials. Or on Dancing With the Stars, which is almost as classy.

Prettiness and Carol Brady start off the tune. They look stoned.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

MexiGokey and Fraudrick are next, and they steal the awkward shot ball away from Tink.

Guys, what is Fraudrick doing to those brows? They’re gonna be at the back of his head by the end of the hour.

You know how the worst songs on Earth can become quite enjoyable once you’ve been brainwashed by them? Kind of like Spanx’ “Battlefield” or anything off Beyonce’s last album besides “Single Ladies.” This song is like that. I heard it on the show when Buble showed up last time, I heard it in Starbucks three mornings in a row, and now again tonight. I’m humming along with it. And I hate myself for it. I’d cut my vocal chords out if I didn’t need them to make fun of people. Wait. I do that while typing. And snip.

Lee looks confused still, and Green Mile is just giant. I apologize for not listening closely enough to what his song was about this week. When you guys told me it was about a guy’s wife dying I cracked up. Not cuz someone’s wife died, but cuz Green Mile kicked and smiled and hopped through the whole thing like he was singing “I Like Big Butts.” At first I think the plane lost a wing and is about to crash, but then I realize it’s just a few ten year olds squealing at the sight of Lee. Put a cork in it, brats!

Is the show paying for stylists this year? Cuz none of these girls look cute. Tina Youthers looks sixty.

A fanny pack away from a Cracker Barrel discount.

Someone give Paige’s crotch a snack. It’s starving.

When Crystal found out she was gonna be on American Idol, she went out and bleached her teeth, waxed her brows, and washed and conditioned her bangs. I’m getting the feeling that that was a one time thing.

Simon accused Fraudrick of just being a dancer who sings, so to prove him wrong, Fraud lip synchs while gyrating a simple touch step like he’s riding a Ron Jeremy.

I don’t have Photoshop on my laptop, but trust me. It’s priceless.

There has been a lot said about racism this year. I don’t know if there is any. At least any more than there is every other year. I do think that minorities are expected to be better than the white people, though. I know I expect it. If you’re gonna have a black girl on the show, she needs to be amazing, cuz most black women on this show are and the bar has been set pretty high. White people have always sucked, so we have learned to judge them on different things. Like their jorts. Or their hair fauxhawks. We’ve learned to not pay too much attention to their actual talent. I guess I am going on this tirade because as much as I would like to believe that there are no white power shenanigans going on here, the only two black people left on the show are choreographed to literally stand off the stage.

Sorry but could you stand outside please? We’ll bring you in via satellite and possibly lighten you up a bit.

Order whatever you want grandpa. Cuz mom told me after lunch I had to drive you two towns over, blindfold you, and push you out of the car without a cell phone.

The Dollar Store version of Jack Black.

Next week is the music of the Stones!! LOL!! Mick Jagger is rolling in his grave right now. And by his grave I mean he will never die so let’s not wait to make dead rocker jokes and live in the now. Let’s get to some results! So DoDo, how come you were such a mess a couple weeks ago in the performance show? She’s all um like I dunno I was skerd and my parents broke up with each other again right before the show. She’s in! America loves a good divorce drama. She’s wearing one of those trick hankies that you keep pulling to reveal different colors.

So, Sio. Have you been having fun on idol? “I’ve. Been. Having………..A….Blaaaast.” Come on, girl, spit it out. We only have an hour here. Sio’s in a mummy mini with ho stockings. I approve. Tink calls her “unique” again. That’s the PG way of saying “you’re a fuckin freak and we are so gonna eventually make you cry.” It’s bad enough that her parents obviously love her brother more. I only know that because he got all the dentistry.

So either Paige or Katelynn is going home. I already heard the BULLSHIT results, so I won’t pretend I haven’t. It’s interesting to watch this and know Stiffler’s Mom is out. She seems to know, too.

Help!

Poor Paige has a camel toe from her rib cage down to her thighs. Simon says he used to think Paige was good but she’s sucked donkey bawls so far on the show. He adds that Katelynn’s had one good week, and it wasn’t last week. Ouch. He says that Paige is the one with most potential. LOL. To bring cameltoe back in fashion possibly, but to be a staaaah? No honey, no. He’s so full of shit, and he totally knows the results and is trying to look wise. This shitty cast is your fault in the first place, ass. Who’s gonna believe you’re wise? Sexy, yes. Chicken skin-y, yes. Funny talking, yes. Man boobed and fancy free, yes. I forgot what I was talking about.

Katelynn’s out! The audience screams at this announcement, and it’s shockingly not in horror. The only one to look openly dumbfounded is Green Mile, which wins him some points in my book. Katelynn holds back her tears and says she’s grateful for the experience. She doesn’t sing with the tiny piano tonight. Did she take an Ambien before the show? This is so damn slow. She’s addicted to slow stuff. I bet she tried to sit next to Sio every day at lunch. Final crazy face.

I’m gonna miss your slow ass.

Tina Youthers sobs, then Katelynn sobs. Paige just kinda stands there like “don’t hit me.” Now let’s kick off a boy! It’s between Tim, Fraudrick, Lee, and Casey. Should be Tim. Casey’s safe! The news gets his grandma possessed by the devil or something. Her eyes roll back in her head and her neck poofs out like a dragon.

Natas i evol uoy.

Tim’s safe!!

#2

Oh man, so it’s between Lee and Fraud?!?!? That’s so wrong. Fraudrick may have a pretty despicable backstory, but he sings circles around Tim. Unfortunately, his personality blows harder than Jermaine is right now trying to get bus money back home. You guys, is there anyone whiter than Tim?

Yes.

Randy says that Lee deserves more of a shot in the top 12 than Fraud. And he gets his wish. Fraudrick’s out! Lee looked terrified. Something is dawning on Crystal OrganiJoplin.

Wait a second. This isn’t about singing at all. Fuck this shiznat. I’ll buy diapers with change I get from singing Melissa Ethridge songs in the train.

OrganiJop has never seen American Idol, so she’s new to the whole concept of selling out and then having your lifetime of affording diapers dream stamped out by a bunch of ten year old girls. Fraudrick says that he’s grateful for the chance to be here cuz last weekend he went out and was totally famous. Then he sings some serious Mariah soprano. Damn. If he had notes like that Weds he might still be here.

Oh man. He still owes me money. Now I’m never gonna get it.

So those high notes were awesome, but that was kinda it. He’s too riffy and he can’t get through his acrobatics without missing half the runs. Randy says it was fantastic, and OrganiJoplin cries more. The only girl not crying is Lacey.

CYA! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!

I hope grandma remembered to pray for me.

And now, singing “Tell Her About It” is Matt Giraud and Blind Guy!! Giraud has gotten rid of the bullseye on the center of his forehead. Or is he just hiding it with fauxhawk bangs? Cuz fauxhawks don’t have bangs. Whatever’s going on, he’s a little off kilter these days. I say that cuz I can’t get one shot of him that’s not cross eyed.

Well, here’s half of one.

I love to make fun of Matt, but he outsings every single contestant this year. Even Blind Guy would rank pretty high up this year, and he made me insane last season.

Timmeh!

I hope one day Blind Guy makes some babies. But not with Sio.

Unless they have a dentist in the family.

OK Blind Guy is still mostly off key, but Matt can sing his face off. He should be out doing new stuff and drop the piano man impression for a bit. How many times does Billy Joel have to drive headfirst into a tree before people stop emulating him? At the end of the song, the guys point at each other. Matt, why? You know Blind Guy’s just gonna point at the sky cam.

BG has an album out called .:;”,;.,:;. Buy it if you can find it.

Next week, the return of Sanjaya!

The last four girls and four boys face the fairy. OrganiJoplin is first, and she looks like it’s bed time and it just started raining.

I shoulda picked up a newspaper this morning.

She’s safe, of course. She looks very pretty when she’s miserable. Man she won’t crack one smile. She’s pissed. Green Mile is called and he makes Tink walk to him. LOL. Skara says she cried last night cuz…she didn’t cry so I’m not even typing out her whiny bullshit lie of an answer. I will report though that she said relevant. That word loses more relevance by the episode. He’s safe, duh. Lacey’s safe! She made Diane Keaton very happy.

Little Chicken is next. He’s hyperventilating. Tink tells him to touch his toes and close his eyes. Chicken assures the judges very shakily that he can not be nervous. No one buys it. He’s safe! Ugh really? Well I like his awkward pelvic bump stuff, but if Tim isn’t gone then he should be. MexiGokey and Carol Brady are next!! Wow. MexiGokey should stay over Carol Brady, but Carol shouldn’t be out today. He has one of the best voices this year. He sounds a lot like Will, the dude who sings the “get the fuck out” song at the end of the show. Carol’s out!! BOOOOO! He’s bummed and doesn’t hide it. He says that there are a lot of things America hasn’t seen him do yet. He plans on doing them for a subscription on the internet. I think Sio is crushin a little.

But he really knew how to listen. So. Sloooowly.

Ellen tells him “Don’t Stop Believin’”. Did you guys know Glee’s coming back? Ellen does, cuz she pimps it a lot. Carol sings again, and he’s crying. I feel bad for him. He sounds great. Stupid America. Sio sobs. Little Chicken should have gone. So now it’s just between Katie and TIna Yothers. Uhoh. As we all know, the ten year olds are voting like crazy this week. Carol Brady’s crying full force now. AW!! MAN UP YOU WUSS! Tina Youthers looks at Katie like “oh hon don’t worry, you still have your whole life ahead of you!” Then Tina Yothers gets the boot!!! WHAT. THE. FRICK!!!! LOL! Look at Youthers’ face!

Whatchoo talkin bout Willis?!?

Bitch srsly?

Skara looks mad and is shaking her head, and OrganiJoplin is just catatonic at the news.

Tina says she thought she did well and she’s surprised she’s out. Everyone looks surprised at that one. Katie is sobbing. She says “I don’t know what America wants to hear!” They want to hear super off key shit songs from people who haven’t started growing pubic hair yet. LAME!!!! American Idol knows how to shock us, but to get rid of some people who can actually sing for Paige, Katie, and Little Chicken is nutzo. Just ask OrganiJoplin.

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I’m off all week guys! Your recaps will be brought to you by WaffleBoy and HappyHousewife! Thanks for being here and see you soon! xo