American Idol Results: Banging Empty Heads

Tonight on American Idol, a Jonas, a Montana, and a Demi walk into a bar…

Do that headbanging thing you do against this pan, k?

This is the first image to pop up onto my screen tonight:

Starting a little dark.

You guys feeling like killing? Me neither!! Sure, last night was a pretty disappointing night what with American Idol blowing midgets and all, but seriously I’m fine. I’m not controlled by some stupid TV show. I HAVE A LIFE. I read. I go on lunch dates with close friends and we talk about all our drama. I date fabulous wealthy gorgeous men and dump them for fun. I have a waverunner in storage in Austin, TX, just in case I decide one day I’d like to feel the waves toss me around like a stone skipping on a pond. I’m a happy, well adjusted person who happens to like American Idol. It’s casual and totally for fun.

LOL. NO. I am obsessed unhealthily with a show about children following a dream and mostly wearing bad outfits and screeching like a lobster being prepped for dinner. It makes me insane. Today I was cut off in traffic and I slammed my fist to the dashboard and actually thought to myself “Heard it Through the Grapevine? REALLY?!?” Point is, the show in question determines my day, and until someone can do better than a watered down Janis had she never shot heroin or fucked a stranger Joplin, I’m gonna be pissed. When I’m pissed, birds fly off stoops and dogs shiver in corners. OK that’s not true. This isn’t a recap. It’s just a string of lies.

So that’s enough of that. Let’s get down to brass taxes. What does that even mean! THIS. Is midnight on a drunken, smoken, eaten Wednesday with a blinking dvr and nothin but a song to my name. And THIS. Is AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!

Dunuhdunuhdunuhdunuh

Stop thinking about killing you guys. We’re just here to have some old fashioned family fun.

Last week, the girl who sang like Dolly Parton being dragged down a cobblestone street was kicked off. But she didn’t leave until her flower had taken a full brain scan of the empty headed Paige.

It looks like a space ship is about to land on the girl from Les Miserables.

Creepy kid pianos play as Tink tells us about how dramatic it is not to be a stah. Every week, someone must say goodbye.

And they have to endure a hug from this dude before they get to leave.

Take last week, for instance. This girl went from being an elegant sitter downer to getting kicked off and then having an egg thrown at her head.

Green Mile talks about how they’re like super close now, then he woos and dances around cuz he sucks less than almost everybody. Then Hannah Banana FoFanna comes on and tells us in her trailer smack about how she wants to see those contestants give it their all an push it hard! Then she rubs up against a column in the interview room and puts her ankle behind her ear.

Super dramatic music pounds as titles flash across the screen telling us how important this night is. The pretty guy is nervous about the show, but he’s also got a caterpillar about to hatch into a butterfly nesting below his lip. He’s double stressed.

The editors try and make us believe that last night was totally amazingly mind blowingly tight, but even though we have numb American brains, we can remeber, like, a day ago. And it blew.

Randy gets revenge on the giant Tinkercrest face from last night with a giant rendering of the Big Mama’s House poster in the background.

This show is sick. All you need to do is watch the opening credits in slowmo.

Satan is possessing this girl right in front of our eyes.

Tink takes a couple of minutes to gravely explain the judges save. How bout the Jesus save? Y’all need to give up these selfish fame dreams and repent before it’s too late. Possessing children in the opening credits. This show should be ashamed of itself. On a brighter note, Randy is dressed like a cantaloupe swimming on a melted marshmallow lake.

Not sure what Ellen’s up to tonight, but I hope she’s making fun of all the man scarves. She looks like she’s readying herself for a vagina picnic.

Have a seat on the blanket and relax for awhile.

Look at the evil face Skara is making during Ellen’s intro.

I wasn’t invited to any picnic.

Now look at the stupid fake ass face she makes when her name is said. She knows that cameras are on her for like the whole hour, right?

I’m an a hole! YAAAAY!!!

Simon is in a baby tee. Aren’t you glad I’m here reporting? How would you go through the rest of your day without knowing that? Tink forces the audience to stand up for the group number, cuz there’s no way anyone who’s been paying attention would stand this season. The song is “Wake Me Up Before You GoGo”. The modern title is “Wake Me Up Before You Get Behind the Wheel of a Car George Michael So I Know Not To Leave the House and Get Run Over While You Drunkenly Scour Public Parks for Peen and Meth.” Not as catchy, but just as fun.

The theme tonight is plaid.

Everyone’s trying to get to Ellen’s picnic.

Why is Little Chicken rubbing himself? They shouldn’t have put him right next to Helmut Lame.

And now for some Green Mile spirit fingers.

“You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day.” That’s really a lyric to the song? How were any of us surprised when Georgie ended up blowing a cop? I don’t know. But I was. The kids are really giving it their all tonight, and the wide open mouths and cheesy bounces are pretty awesome. No one, though, can top OrganiJoplin. Mostly just because she’s not the type to be here in the first place. She’s really bringing pizazz to selling out.

MexiGokey didn’t bother to learn the words. He just comes out mouthing watermelon watermelon watermelon. But he sure puts some effort into those snaps. Jesus man, you’re gonna put someone’s eye out with your non rhythm.

I get that these are all pre recorded, but they need to do a better job of blending or something. Katie sounds like a princess from a Disney movie that can actually sing instead of just vocally yawn.

That was gorge! Now if you can just talk them into ProToolsing everything for you from this moment on you might have a chance of not disappointing your grandma every single morning when you explain to her who you are and how you got kicked off American Idol.

A meeting at Hershey’s: “Let’s make a modernized minstrel show!” “AWESOME IDEA!!”

And now let’s watch a Ford commercial. This one is about Priuses that don’t explode. Way to make the green car even more boring Ford! It’s more exciting when you think someone could turn into a fireball at any moment.

I’m rooting for the red one to go up in flames.

How bout making a green car that’s not fugly? Just an idea. The kids park a bunch of different ways. I wish Long Duck John was still here. He could have probably used this lesson. Then they open their trunk and balls fall out. It’s like they’re making a delivery to Paula’s house.

Ms. Abdul, your young hairless balls are here. Please sign. Get up off the floor and sign please. Seriously. Get up. Is that lipstick on your face? Ma’am I don’t see what’s so funny. Please get up. I have a lot of deliveries.

And now for a super unflattering shot of Green Mile.

Prettiness is so into this Ford commercial that he’s playing air guitar. Wow.

At the end, they all leave MexiGokey. Poor guy. I think it might have to do with the sweating problem.

Hurry up or a gang might recruit you.

Guys it’s a super important results show tonight. Got that? Before they went on the air last night, Casey messed up his song in rehearsal! It’s like ER. But lamer. And you root for them all to bleed out on the table. Sio has some creepy boss who won’t shave until she wins.

Looks like the type of guy who would totally be on top of the whole grooming thing otherwise.

The other friends are called Siobhanbies. Like zombies I guess. Or this woman seriously got her ass kicked during commercials.

This freak is the one who told Sio cupcake tights would be perfect to go on TV in.

Katie tells Tink that her dad is out drinking right now cuz he doesn’t want to have to deal with her if she gets kicked off and starts crying. Everyone awwwws like that’s the cutest story ever. Ah, modern parenting. He’s afraid that if he’s there she’ll get kicked off. What are you, her voice? Also if he’s not there, he won’t be served copious amounts of vodka. Tink shows us a clip of Green Mile carrying his baby around. Ugh. I was wondering when they were gonna whip out the baby. GM assures us that he’s totally taking care of his baby until he wins this shit and then he’s divorcing his wife and impregnating roadies across the country. That’s a stah!

Now for some results! Sio very slowly admits that she should rely less on her scream but she’ll do whatever it takes not to blow glass for the summer. She takes like five minutes to say that. She’s safe! Her creepy thirty year old zombie friends start eating people’s arms in excitement. Prettiness and Lee are next. Sure, pit the soul patches against each other. They are left standing. Tim and Paige stand up. Tim says that he totes had fun so he’d do it all again! But did Paige have fun? We won’t know cuz she’s black and the lighting people still refuse to address that.

Randy says that Tim and Paige sucked ass last night but Paige sucked more ass so she’s in the bottom three. And so is Tim! LOL. This show is ridiculous. Prettiness and Lee just stand there all stupidly. Tink forgets to have them sit. I hope he just leaves them standing the whole time cuz he can. Next week is R&B week. Oh man please let Katie still be here for that one.

Hannah is here next to shake out some off key bs for us. She’s playing the piano! WOW! She can play like two keys at a time! That’s amazing. She can’t sing the soft notes or the loud notes. She sounds like Paige. Like just like Paige. Is she fifty or smoking three packs a day? Something’s busted there. Cuz she’s usually a brilliant singer. LOL just kidding, but the song is still going on and I have to type something. She’s stood up from the piano yet there’s still piano playing. Go fig. Then she starts head banging. She’s too far from the stage for her head to make contact and splatter all over the place, which is a huge letdown. Fortunately, the pervert editors make it look like she’s going down on her guitarist to make up for it.

Disney’s on the phone to fire you again.

She’s totally a rocker you guys. Look at the extensions sticking to her face.

I’ll give her credit for….nothing. I can’t think of anything. She’s lame. She tells Tink that this is her first standing ovation. AHHAHAH. I can just imagine the five year olds at her concerts like “no that was totally not standing o worthy.” She also says that she disagrees with Skara’s tirade and she loved the knee slide. Well, you just croaked off key for five minutes and head banged in a ballad, so your opinion is worthless but thanks for comin by! Don’t forget to grab some Fanta on the way out! She talks a bunch more and says like a lot and makes no sense. Get off the stage, skank!

Idol Gives Back is coming in four weeks, and they’ve set up a website so “you and your friends” can start collecting money right now! How thoughtful. How bout we just give those people in Africa a little relief and change the title to “Idol Gives Crack”? You keep pumping teenager allowances into that country and they’re still miserable. At least let em have some fun.

More results! Prettiness and Lee are safe. Little Chicken is safe! So are ugly shirts, cuz he will keep purchasing them. Dodo was told “You’re No Good” by Simon. How did that feel? That song was so risky! I don’t get how that was a risk. She says she’s confused by the judges and she just wants to make them happy. Here’s the trick: sing good. The end. Ellen says it was a shit song and Simon says that DoDo thinks too much. LOL. Riiiiight. I’ll bet that’s the first time she’s ever heard that. He tells her to pick a good song and sing it well. “It’s not that hard!” Really? Cuz no one can do it. She’s safe.

Green Mile is giant. And safe. He points to God, and God’s all “don’t blame me.” OrganiJop washed her hair!! Tink asks which judge she listens to, and she says “me.” HAHAH! Atta girl. She’s safe. Katie’s all oh shit. She and MexiGokey stand. Is she gonna listen to Simon’s country advice or Skara’s pop advice? She says she’s gonna do what’s right for her, but she doesn’t have the balls that OrganiJop does so the audience is just silent. Tink reminds MexiG that Simon told him he sucked the air out of the room. Katie’s in the bottom three! Send all three of those dorks home. Let’s get this shit over with by spring. Katie’s safe!! Hannah Monatana is in a movie? Ugh. That’s not even the shocking part. The shocking part is that I will pay to see it.

Oscar!

If only.

And now for two of Hollywood’s biggest stahs!! A Jonas Brother and some girl named Demi that’s actually the right age to date Ashton. I wish I had Jonas’ earplugs right now.

This show has always skewed young, but good lord. This season makes The Fetus look like Mick Jagger. The song is about a pebble in the water. Demi does Mariah hands and Jonas tries real hard. This reminds me of cool church.

Donate your money so we can get a movie screen and bring Jesus to you in 3D y’all!

I wish I had some pebbles right now. Make a wave you guys! I don’t know what kind of change this song is about, but all I want to change is the channel. Jonas bones his final notes but then he moves his Peter Gallagher eyebrows a lot to make up for it. Tink says there’s a whole lotta chemistry with those two!! xjonas times ydemi divided by htour = lots of dildos. Just saying.

Poor Kris is trapped in this Ford til Summer. They need a shot of him passing Hambert on the street pointing and laughing his ass off.

More results!! Paige is out!!! Shocking. Just SHOCKING. Simon’s words of encouragement: we won’t save you. You suck. Hopefully you will have a heart attack and die in the middle of your song. You were awesome once though so maybe figure that out again, k? He should write a Chicken Soup for the Soul book. Paige says she had health issues, and then they cut to OrganiJop. LOL.

You’re gonna talk to me about health? I’m getting a blood transfusion as you talk, brat.

And now a video of Paige’s journey! looking pretty, wearing colored contacts, stealing tiny bottles of booze off the airplane, stealing tiny soaps from the maid cart in the hotel, looking pretty again, making sure she doesn’t have anything in her teeth,…

We are spared from a full repeat of her shit singing. She squirts out a couple of super bad notes and we’re out!! That wasn’t the most surprising installment of all time, but justice was served. Now just get rid of about 8 more so we can start getting some entertainment up in this beyotch.