Tonight on American Idol Results, Skara gets an add on, Michael Jackson is ripped off, and Rihanna fires someone.
So You Think You Can Tippy Toe
And in the end,
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make.
Well, I’ve made love to about eighteen thousand frozen Milky Way bars in the past decade and the love I take? Well, I’ve been broken up with twice over texts and otherwise I pretty much spend my nights watching TV with a dog that smells like a person that died in the eighties. So go fuck yourself with your broken promises, Beatles!
But no. American Idol is not content to open with one big fat lie blaring across our TV screen. They also show MexiGokey opening his mouth to catch Milk Duds while Paul McCartney belts a high note on key. What MexiG’s note sounded like was a frog getting shot in the throat mid croak. But who needs reality? That’s a steaming pile of propaganda bullshit. And THIS. Is American Idol Results!
That note was so bad you got a fro.
Tonight’s opening is full of white outfits and Vaseline on the lens. Fitting that we’d get a died and gone to heaven effect right after Dancing With the Stars killed this show in the ratings for the first time. Can you believe that, btw? People are more interested in watching Hate Gosselin than Simon’s newest mortgage payment candidates. I don’t really know what to say to that, but…nope. Still nothing to say. If we’d all learn Spanish Telemundo would be number one in the ratings right now.
Montage of the judges’ comments from last night. If you hadn’t seen it you would have thought that it was a really good show. Even this girl liked it! And she’s super picky!
Just not picky with dentists. Or hair products. Or eyeshadow. Never mind I forgot my point.
Poor Tink has been put in light jail. Clap real loud if you believe in fairies!
Help me! The dust mites in here are staring at my cornhole!
The producers have told Tink that the results are absolutely shocking!!
Sorry Skara. America didn’t vote for you. Buhbyenowbitchkthnx.
Idol Gives Back is in two weeks! I don’t know if the producers have heard about the sorry ass state our own country is in at the moment. We need an Idol Takes Back. Sorry poor starving African child but we need those bags of wheat we dropped back to make Cinnamon Toast Crunch with. You’ll be fine without your mosquito net. Sorry but the dead ballerina look is back in and now teens all over America want it. You’ll be fine! Stop crying. I can’t understand you. Learn English you slackers!
Tink asks the judges what they’re donating. Simon says clothes and Tink jokes that no one wants tight ass young adult shirts from the dollar store. Well fine then, Simon’s also giving away the opportunity for someone to make an album. That one will most likely go to Fantasia cuz he’s always liked her and if anyone could use the help it’s her. VH1 doesn’t pay very well.
I mean, I assume.
Ellen’s gonna donate shoes and VIP tickets to the show, which are free. Great. Maybe she’ll give away some of those plastic forks that come with delivered Chinese Food. The generosity is overwhelming here. Randy’s gonna give away some old beef jerkey wrappers and Skara’s giving away the most worthless gift of all: singing lessons. Wanna see a super awkward video of Skara trying to bone the kid who cowrote “Terrified”?
The title for the song makes a whole lot of sense right now.
Tink is gonna give away hair product. HAHAHAH. Now for a group number! Lee starts it off all solo cuz the producers are pimping his ass still. He is singing very very high and not growling. It’s on key and lovely. Drop that fake ass growl, cuteness! You’ll be way better. Green Mile stomps on the softness pattern right away and belts his line out. Little Chicken takes it back down and then Tim Helmut Lame gets like three words. LOL they really hate his ass. MexiGokey is the worst lip syncer ever. I forgot this was prerecorded for a second. No wonder Lee was on key.
The kids are all in black and white and look how cute Katie looks! Wow. I never thought I’d see the day. She’s all color blocked. This show is endorsing Mila for the win on Project Runway.
The lyrics stop but Sio keeps fake wailing anyway.
You can close your mouth now.
Crystal OrganiJoplin takes the next pimp spot, and she also sounds lovely and pure when she’s prerecorded. This show should pre record everything. Everyone would win. It would be fun to watch them try to split a Ford. I just have to add that Sio’s lip syncing is HILARIOUS. She’s putting so much effort into perfect diction. Belt sync.
waterMELON waterMELON waterMELON
The judges usually catch up on Reader’s Digest during this part, but Skara will work any camera time she can get.
Fine. Don’t read the story about the handless boy that knits.
The stylists did an excellent job tonight. Chicken isn’t in plaid, OrganiJop has Spanx and a Jackie O dress, and MexiGokey looks like Horatio Sanz that time he quit smoking weed for two weeks.
MexiG, feeling left out for not whipping out something bizarre in his song last night, starts tap dancing during “All You Need is Love”.
I know he’s not filap ball changing right now.
This is the cheesiest Beatles montage I’ve ever heard. And I used to perform in a dinner theater in Florida so that’s saying something. They end with a big white church ending to the lyrics “in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.” Right. You know what they didn’t have in the 60′s? Rampant STDs. Or conditioner, but that’s another discussion. MexiGokey looks exhausted from holding his hand up for five seconds.
Uhoh you’re gonna feel that tomorrow.
Homely moms like Honda.
Now for a Ford music video! It’s about the kids looking into a kaleidoscope and seeing their futures.
OrganiJoplin’s gonna put a roadblock on her jay to avoid any more career wrecking brats.
Helmut’s gonna be run over by a poor person in a tacky car four times.
Someone’s gonna slap Prettiness on the back while he’s winking and he’s gonna have frozen Popeye face for the rest of his life, killing any chance he has of making a living in music.
Sio’s gonna start hanging out on the first floor of the mall so she can show off her cleave to people on the escalator and then God will punish her sluttiness by making her fart out fug cars.
MexiGokey’s eating will get so out of whack that he will start consuming entire cars for breakfast.
Lee’s insecurity will lead to multiple personality disorder. Don’t worry, though. All of the alters will be hopelessly addicted to goatees and soul patches and anything else that should have died in the 90′s. Courtney Love will marry him, get him addicted to drugs, divorce him and tweet really mean unintelligible stuff about him.
Little Chicken will hold lots of giant phalluses in his tiny hands.
Katie will get punched in the throat.
Green Mile will just stay giant and love himself a lot.
The new Ford will be even uglier than the old Prius and will be able to fit you, one of your elbows, and a magazine inside. The world will suffocate not because of global warming, but because it can’t stand to have so many ugly useless little cars driving all over it. The End.
So are the contestants nervous about results? Well, Helmut just got to mangle some of the best songs of all time so that was fun and he’s here to have fun so yay fun times let’s have fun k? FUN. Sio stands first. Does she have pictures of Randy Jackson on her hot pants? Cuz that’s just wrong.
Your pants are gonna eat your thighs.
Sio has to go to the center of the stage. Trickery! I don’t buy it for a second. OrganiJop has to go center stage too. Told ya! You ain’t foolin me producers! Sio either.
LOL I’m so sure. You just wanted to see my pants.
Who was Katie thinking about last night when she sang her song? Why, her grandma of course! Her grandma wasn’t thinking of her. She was throwing things at the TV and telling Geena Davis not to kiss the fly and then barking like a dog for no reason. Poor thing. Does Randy think any of these girls will be going home? He says oh hell no and then he wipes a little melted cheese of his lip. You need to give him warning before you put the camera on him. The girls are safe, of course.
That girl has made a snow angel that’s hung like a donkey.
Don’t like fleas? Throw a circular saw blade at them. A dead dog is a flealess dog.
The mentor next week is Adam Hambert. He’s gonna show everyone how to rip off the Scissor Sisters and Mika and get dry blowjobs through their jeans. Ugh. Seriously? WHY? Kris was the winner, and he could at least show them how to do a combover to hide their bald spots.
Jason Derulo is up next! WOWEE!! He was signed by Skara! Which means he’s had his mouth on her vagina at some point. Think of that as you watch the show. Cringing keeps you awake.
One thing that differentiates this kid from most guest stars of AI is that he can, well….sing. That doesn’t mean he’s not a total cheeseball Michael Jackson rip off with a head too big for a hat. YAY! He’s got two gloves though instead of just one so even though his vocal style and dance moves are all carbon copies, he’s still totally original you guys.
He even does MJ’s little hiccup thing. What a hack. Love the lisp though. That’s gonna give me hours of entertainment. I hope that Chicken doesn’t try to sit on this guy’s shoulders.
He looks like a younger gayer Tyler Perry. I’m glad Big Mama will have someone to take the throne when she’s done with her string of shit movies. The stars of this number are the backup dancers. They’re awesome. Derulo whips out some computerized action for his high notes, but you can’t blame him cuz he’s doing this at the same time.
Doing this on Skara’s face got him signed.
That was one extremely talented guy that I never want to hear again, if only cuz I know by supporting him I will be helping Skara build an add on to her kitchen.
Skar says that he’s incredible as a songwriter and a dancer and fingerer. Simon even loved it! He never compliments guests. Tink says that the pyrotechnics might ruin Prettiness’ butt hair.
The recipe for OrganiJ’s hair product.
Let’s welcome back The Fetus singing “Imagine Me With Facial Hair”! He’s playing piano. Did he always play? It’s good to see him. I always liked him, cuz he sounds like he smokes five packs a day and he’s like two. I admire commitment. Even if it’s cuz of addiction. His hair is more Caesar than ever, and I think fame has made his nostrils bigger.
His voice sounds perf and perty, which doesn’t give me much to write about. Unfortunately we don’t get any shots of his dad. I’ll bet he’s backstage yelling at interns, stealing Dr Peppers and peanut butter crackers off the crafts table and waiting for Chicken’s dad to join him so he’s not the only one wearing shorts. Can one person this season pull off a performance that nuanced? No. But at least we have lots of shit to mock. It’s a wash.
He tells Tink that he was nervous, but only cuz he had to go a couple minutes without a cigarette. He’s coming out with another breath album and it should breath be breath out breath soo…faint. Well, he was fun while he lasted. I hope they meet him at the hospital and give us updates. Poor thing sounded like MexiGokey after a filap ball change.
Tink is gonna make two groups of remaining possible losers in the middle of the stage. Does Lee have self doubt? He’s not scared, he just doesn’t know how to not look scared and he thinks he’s got it! He could be talking about chlamydia, but I think he means charisma. Green Mile says when he watched his performance back he didn’t think it was too much cuz it’s a show and he’s there to put on a show! Simon rolls his eyes big at that one. He’s on a different side of the stage than Lee. Uhoh.
Prettiness says nothing. His attitude is “you don’t really want me to talk so stop asking questions.” Agree and approve. He’s on the same side as Lee. So Green Mile is in the bottom three? Cuz I know America’s not sending Prettiness home. That’s harsh. Chicken is told that he is loved but needs to be more original. He stands next to Green Mile. Helmut smiles big and little vaginas everywhere dial in to vote again only to get busy signals. He is in Lee and Prettiness’ group. Wow. So maybe they are the bottom? MexiG says that the band wasn’t to blame for his shit performance, and then he’s put in the Green Chicken group. Oh Lord. This could go either way. There’s a whole lot of mediocrity up there. It’s like choosing between a red Ford and and an orange Ford. Maybe they should just all get thrown in a cruncher. Maybe a Lexus will come out.
Tink asks Ellen who’s the bottom three and she’s like um I have a very nice daytime show k ask someone else. She chooses MexiG’s team. And she’s right! I have my fingers crossed for a MexiG ouster, but I’ve got lots of Horatio Sanz pics stored.
Little Chicken’s safe! His dad is still in the same shirt from last night. I can’t believe it’s between Green Mile and Gokzalez! Rihanna’s here! I love me some Rihanna songs, but this bitch can’t sing in real life to save herself. She hopes to distract us from that little fact with giant shoulder pads.
She puts down the mic and stops pretending to sing. LOL. Even Sio’s a better syncer than that, Ri! Her song is about being a rock star, and her hair is about being Donald Trump.
Rih has found bandmates that are so thin they can wear slap bracelets. Way to save in an economic downturn!
Rih keeps banging her head, but it’s off the beat so I worry that she’s got a bee on her neck something. She makes it through half the song on key and then all bets are off cuz there’s like one line not synched to bring reality into it. LOL. Wow. She sang live (for twenty seconds and horribly)! Did you guys see that Haiti relief thing that Clooney did? She was a mess on that show. She couldn’t sing one freaking note. I was hoping she’d do that again tonight but instead she wised up and just played a CD . She did, however, whip out a guitar and perform Madonna-like, one string at a time.
Guitar Hero is harder than what she’s “playing” right now.
For some reason there’s a dog shape on the screen behind her when she’s done. Even the lighting guys hated that.
Cuz “YOU SUCK” takes up too much screen space.
Tink’s all: two dads. One will make a better life for their children. The other will collect welfare. MexiG is safe! Green Mile gets to sing for his life! He’s singing that song that starts with a door creak sound.
I’m gonna have to get a jooooob! WAAAHHHHHH!
His save me song is dumb. “Give me this moment!” Simon hates begging. He won’t be saved. Singing shit like that is why he didn’t get votes. He sure can belt though! Damn! I just noticed Katie’s t-shirt. It’s like someone’s been pestering her womb or something.
The audience is going f ing crazy. Green looks shellshocked to even be in this position. Simon says that they wished he was that good yesterday but he wasn’t and since they only have one save….they’re using it!!! WTF?!?!?!?!??!?! Oh man. I can’t believe that! He’s a good singer, but better singers will get their asses kicked off now with no hope. Double elimination next week! My favorite kind. Wow. Do you guys agree with that bs? Who’s gonna help Helmut Lame now?!
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit