Ow! My back!
Man, I love Dolly Parton. I’ve seen all her movies, some over and over again. To this day, I both blame and thank 9 to 5 and Steel Magnolias for making me a homo. She’s always sweet and hilarious when she’s on talk shows, and every time I see her I smile.
Color me surprised, then, when I turned on American Idol on Tuesday night and realized this bitch was a singer/songwriter. I thought the contestants were going to treat us to scene work from old Dolly movies. I had hoped that Carly would do that scene where Dolly told off her boss for treating her like a floozy in 9 to 5. Unfortunately, I was very, very wrong.
“If you ever say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I’m gonna get that gun of mine, and I’m gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot! And don’t think I can’t do it. “
The contestants start out by coming out and doing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version of 9 to 5, and wow. It really makes me appreciate the singer Dolly Parton, who is the only person alive that can make her music palatable (besides Whitney, but come on people, it’s Whitney). Actually, it makes me appreciate people with rhythm, too. This bunch looks like they’re doing one giant Elaine Benis impression.
Long story short, it blows. Usually I recap shows as I watch them so that I can’t ruin any surprises or come up with some fake ass opinions that make me sound like a better person later on. I am doing the same thing tonight, but a friend of mine (cough ChickBomb cough) sent me a text last night talking about who was sent home. Thanks a lot, a hole! That info has really changed the way I see the show tonight. I mean come on, Ramiele. A baggy ass shapeless tshirt and a skinny vest? You’re begging to go!!
Noriega is going to slap you for this outfit.
Now the contestants are around the Judges table acting all cutsie and stuff. Randy is wearing a shirt with a huge glittery word. ROCK. On country night. LOL, Randy. He’s really turned into a bitch this season and I love it. Hey wait, is that Marlo Thomas in the audience? Plastic surgery is running so rampant lately that I can’t tell who the hell anyone is anymore.
She had more wrinkles in That Girl. In 1966.
We get a clip montage of the show last night, and right on cue, the doorbell rings. I let the pizza guy in. It’s a new place! No Little Caesars or Domino’s for me! Tonight is a new frontier. A place called Crispy Crust. I open the box and omg they baked the basil right onto the cheese. Who does that? I ask the delivery guy who he’s rooting for on American Idol and he tells me that he doesn’t have time to watch TV because he’s always working. Then I roll my eyes and ask him why he doesn’t use his TiVo and he goes “huh?” and then I was like “get the f out of my house you loser. No tip!” Kidding. I gave him a tip. I told him to order a DVR. They’re cheaper. Now OUT! Door slam.
Back to the show. Brooke is sucking ass at Jolene and then arguing with Simon. Brooke, shut your face and stop arguing with Simon, for godsake. I’m over it. My favorite part was when he told Carly to get a better dresser. THANK YOU. Sorry you guys. My mind is all over the place tonight. This pizza is gross. Cooked basil looks like boogars.
Tink calls contestants out to tell them they’re safe, and the Fetus approaches him wheezing like he just ran up a flight of stares. Tink asks him if he had an emotional connection to the song he sang and he takes a huge gasp from the oxygen tank he has with him and then answers in that generic smiley tell you whatever you want to hear kind of a way. He’s so cute, and so little, and so talented, and so brainwashed. He’s like a little Pod Fetus.
And PS, practice your scales or I’ll beat you senseless – Dad.
Carly comes out and Tink reminds her that she’s no stranger to the bottom three. That was rude and uncalled for, Tink. I would rather Simon remind her that she needs a new stylist, because she looks like a pillow sham from the set of Three’s Company.
PS, Carly’s husband needs to lighten up on the facial tats. He looks like he’s having constant tooth pain. Now for my favorite part of the new format! Audience questions!! Haley, 13 yrs old, asks Syesha if she misses being home and Syesha’s all, yeah, I really hate all these photo ops and fan letters and bright lights. I wish I was back at home being a “working actress”. She missed the auditions for the Burt Reynold’s Dinner Theater production of Mack and Mabel, dammit! Haley, you’re a fuckin’ moron. Thanks for calling.
Another thirteen year old kid from Jersey asks Cook if he could have any other talent, what would it be? “I wish my head wasn’t so goddamn big.” Can they fix that thing? I read in the paper that they took apart twins conjoined at the head, so they must be able to do something. Why isn’t anyone asking that? What is wrong with the thirteen year old kids in this country?
Bill, who is a 26 year old from LA, has a question for Randy. Who haven’t you worked with and why? He says the only artist he hasn’t recorded with is Burt Bacharach, and it’s because the guy’s a total alchie. If he could choose any of the contestants to work with, who would it be? Tink presses him for an answer and he says “a boy or a girl”. Tink presses on, asking “not a combination of both?” Randy says oh hell no. No trannies. Noted.
Tink has trouble working the computer and skips a rude question directed at Simon, instead asking Michael Johns if he….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Man every time Johns comes on the screen I get very sleeeeppyyyyyy. Then someone asks why Simon apologizes after giving a rude critique instead of just flipping off the cameras and showing us his pasty bum. Simon says that she’s the first person to ask a question that didn’t make him want to shove a Bic into his brain and vows to never apologize again. Thanks, caller! Good one!
Next up is a performance by the winners of that America’s Next Band show that was on recently. Ah, synergy. It’s a trio of countryesque guys who sing “This Little Light of Mine” in a frenetic holy shit I locked my keys in the car kind of a way. The lead singer looks like he’s being chased by someone in a mask and keeps tilting his head back, like he’s asking us if he has any bats in the cave.
Nope. All clear.
The performance is bizarre and kinda awesome. Did America vote on this one? I have never felt fear when I’ve heard this song until tonight, and it feels good. Nice job, US! It sounds like they’re yelling at Jesus after awhile, but he’s been through worse. I’m sure he can take it. And then a shot of that Marlo Thomas chick again. WHO IS THIS?
Lady, stop messing with your face! You look like the Great Pumpkin!
The Ford Commercial is all about race relations. The Idols pull up to a basketball court in the inner city and face off against a bunch of big black dudes. Instead of just going over and saying hello, they steal the ball and Castro starts slicing and dicing them with his dirty ass dreads. Then they win the game. I’m offended and I don’t even know why. Most unrealistic Ford ad ever? Possibly. The only thing that rings true is the part where they leave Brooke and her mom jeans in the car. See? It’s not just me! They can’t stand her either!
Hey you guys! Call me! Guys? Guys?
Now who else is safe? Carly says something Irishy from the couches but I can’t understand her. Don’t you think Tink should have her voice? That would be so cute. Cook strides out as slowly as possible. Dude come on this is already the longest hour ever. He tells Tink that last night’s drama was too much. He just went to the hospital because he has high blood pressure. It had nothing to do with his brain swelling out of his skull, so everyone calm down.
Ramiele is next and Tink asks why she insists on wearing Pocahontas boots. She doesn’t really have an answer. Here’s my question. Why do you let your little brother walk around with my Great Auntie Louisa’s haircut?
Ramiele is in the bottom three and so she does a pig pouty thing, which would gross me out on anyone else but her. She’s just so cute and nice. Still, lata. Kristy Lee Cook comes out and shows us a little piece of yellow paper with her name on it. She says she is going to label one of the bottom three stools with it. LOL. I’m surprised they haven’t already done that for you. They’ve got a gigantic budget. She doesn’t even want to hear a repeat of Simon’s comments and is copping a tude. Argh. Tink tells her that she needs to be more positive and then he sends her to her stool. HAHAHAHA. You could blame it on a negative attitude, or you could blame it on suckin it. Aw, poor Rami is crying already.
And now an ode to Nashville, where AI contestants are striking big. OMG BUCKY???? And he has a career? Wow. Good for you, buddy. Dear Nashville, we’re sorry. Sincerely, Nigel.
Dude. I know they sell Mane n’ Tail in Nashville. Get some.
OMG POWDER? Nashville, seriously, get some standards. OMG BO BICE??? WTF?!?!? Nashville is officially American Idol’s Branson, Missouri. If Diana DeGarmo pops up on the screen I’m turning the TV off, I swear to God. Bo Bice pops on and catches us up. After Idol he had to have three intestinal surgeries so he took the year off, built a recording studio in the woods, and made a kid. Now he’s got a new album. Here’s a lyric sample: “I need a witness, When you talk to me.” LOL. Did you see her talking to me? Awesome. Will you testify to that? Awesome. I hear GOLD! Anyhoo, poor guy and his stomach. He’s grateful and sweet as ever, which is why I could never really hate him even though he wore tie dye vnecks down to his pubic line and Mardi Gras beads on a national stage. His interview is kind of sad, and I wish I hadn’t already eaten that pizza. I bet Bo’s dogs are thinking the same exact thing.
Tink reminds Syesha that the Judges hate her ass, and I have to take a moment to say I don’t like her personality all that much, but she is getting better every week, she did a really nice job with the song, and I downloaded her version of “Yesterday”. There! I said it! Bring it on!
Brooke and Castro are next, which means one of them is in deep doo doo. As Tink reads the critiques, Brooke pouts and tells Simon that the violinist was very nice and asks him to please say he’s sorry. SHUT UP you phony baloney goodie two shoes asshole! I’ll bet she has VHS taps of R rated movies hidden somewhere that she pops in while repeating the f word over and over again when no one’s around. This daydream is the only thing keeping me from throwing my TV out the window. That, and I’m too weak to lift it. Simon makes fun of her pout and sarcastically spits out sorrys to everyone in the room, and dammit I love this man.
Translation: Go fuck yourself, Pollyanna.
And she’s in the bottom three! YAAAAY!!! Simon says that the bottom three is absolutely right and he was right about everything he said and then he tells Carly that he only told her that she needed a new stylist because he was trying to help. Someone had to tell her. She dresses like Alley Sheedy in The Breakfast Club.
Guys, have you ever wondered what happened to the money you pledged during last year’s Idol Gives Back? Here’s a story!! There were these two little homeless orphans in Ethiopia who were super adorable. One day they got separated. They were really sad. Then they heard that Nigel was passing out free boxes with five crayons each in them, so they both rushed to the shelter and found each other! AWWW! Crayons and American Idol reunited them!! All joking aside, it’s really touching and heart breaking to see them find each other, and it’s amazing that the entire camera crew just lucked into this reunion and didn’t manipulate it or trick the kids at all. It’s even sadder when the big sister refuses to trade her Electric Lime crayon for the smaller one’s Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown.
But I haaate brooooooown!
Oh, man. Christian Sirriano from Project Runway even donated a dress!
If you are offended by rude stories from the bowels of Africa, tune into TVgasm next week for the Idol Gives Back recap. I’m on duty, and I’m PSYCHED. Back to results. Brooke is still pouting and making as many earnest looks as she can while the cameras are on her. And now, DOLLY!!!
She is singing from her album Backwoods Barbie, which is the best album title ever. She’s wearing a kind of angel capri’s and fairy tail thing. I don’t get it, but that’s why I love her. She sings about having Jesus and gravity. Then she starts wailing about Jesus being her friend and her life and her love and then lifting up and holding down and wings and Jesus Jesus Jesus and gravity. Jesus has had an awesome week on network TV. Big Brother has Team Christ, and he’s been mentioned about thirty times on AI. It’s like his bday! HOLLA, J! Like I said before, Dolly is the only person who could sing this song and not sound ridiculous. I LOVE HER.
When she’s done, she gives Simon a special Hallelujia and then BOOM. Spanx is in the crowd!!
Yo. Your now was then. Leave me alone, already! You’re marring my Dolly time!
Dolly squeals and squeaks and talks about how honored she is and grateful and yay everyone everyone’s awesome Jesus yay. Tink asks if she will let Simon into Dollywood and she says that of course she will let him in. Tink has Simon and she has Jesus. LOL and snap, Dolly. You know that was a “you’re always on your knees” crack. Paula mentions that they’ve worked together and Dolly brushes it off and says that she likes Paula cuz they’re both tiny. Snap again! That’s like when Paula tells people who suck that they’re pretty. Dammit, Dolly. Never change.
Dolly leaves the stage and we go to commercial to let the positive energy dissipate. When we come back, Randy tells Tink that Rami should be out and Simon says anyone but Brooke. Gross. Brooke is crying. YAY! Tink asks her why and she says it’s because they throw everything they have into this show and also the Africa clip was beautiful and Dolly is amazing and oh yeah SHE’S IN THE BOTTOM THREE. Der. She is the first sent to safety. Do you think the producers are rigging this shit and putting one of the most popular in the bottom three each week to get them off their high horses? Me thinks this is fishy. I don’t like the girl, but doesn’t America?
Rami is out, and she won’t let go of Kristi Lee. She says in her clip that she wants to be the first Asian American Idol and she will fight to do it. Aw. Sorry. You fought well, but you sang off key a lot. And then Dolly says “finally, someone my size!” Told you that was a diss. Then we see Rami at all her photo shoots looking gorgeous and being sweet. Back on stage, poor thing can’t stop crying and looks dazed. AW!!! Poor thing! And now she has to sing. It’s of course the same song, but she doesn’t dance. Instead, she mouths the words and starts mimicking the moves she uses to roll sushi. Poor baby. Brooke, of course, puts herself directly behind Rami even during her last song. And POUTS.
I’m telling you. This girl’s EVIL.
See you next week! LOVE