American Idol Results: Dreams of My Chicken Fingers

Tonight on American Idol, Carly Smithson does a Delta Burke when she was thin impression and Tatiana has a seizure.

Cooooooooonsuela!

Tink starts us off like always, walking down a line of contestant desperation, and it’s good to see him finding stuff for himself to do to make this hour more fun for himself. Today he’s playing with a pretend top hat.

Welcome to American Idol, m’lady!

There were over twenty four milllliiion votes! Tink tells us that that is more than ten million votes than last time this year, which means either more people are watching or old people are finally figuring out how to use their cellies.

Can I speak with Danny? Well tell him he’s one hot piece of ass for me hon! Hello? Hello? If I’m calling India right now someone’s gonna get it! When is America gonna be America again?!?

Tink asks the judges what they thought of last night. I can’t really hear Randy cuz his shirt’s so quiet tonight.

I’m sorry could you tell your shirt to speak up?

Skara says that some were good and some “disappointed me.” Way to take it personally.

You should all feel like shit right now. You’ve disappointed Skara.

When asked to name names she says “Stevie, Casey, Stephen…” Randy cuts her off before she names the entire group and adds “Simon!” Randy? Hilarious. Paula, always the original one, takes the Simon answer and repeats it a few times. Tink says “I’m not talking about after the show, I’m talking about during.” Ha. The judges don’t really get it, so Tink asks Simon how he thinks Skara did on her first live night. Simon asks “during dinner?” and Skara yells “we didn’t go to dinner!” OK just black this shit out and let’s start over. Simon dryly and eye roll-ily answers the “how did Skara do?” question. “Amazing. Unprecedented.” HA.

And now a montage of the contestants’ journey to the performance rounds. Jackie as a slutty clown at a kids birthday party, Alexis Grace signing over custody papers for her kid to her manager at Wal-Mart, Oil Rig Bear packing up his Crisco and rubber gloves, Anoop standing in a line thinking he’s auditioning for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Tatiana cutting off tulle from a tutu and hot glue gunning it to the bottom of a dirty soiled tube sock for her audition dress, ChoirHawk rubbing alcohol on Gay Best Just Friends’ cheek while looping Tony Robbins quotes, Casey putting a small child uner her hairdo…oh the humanity!

Turn that frown upside down little one. I’ll be back in a few months. Wait for me in the cookie aisle and for all that’s good and holy don’t get pregnant.

And now for the first group number of the year! “I’m Yours” is the song. The boys have trouble snapping to the rhythm, especially Danny Gocke: ChoirHawk, which makes me wonder how the hell his choir stays on beat. There are a million and ten ways to fuck up “Holy, Holy, Holy”.

You’d think this group would have snaps down.

Between Annop’s scared don’t hit me eyes, Brent’s crouching down to the ground for no reason, and Oil Rig Bear’s scary ass faces, the other group of dudes doesn’t stand much of a chance tonight.

AAAAGGHHH!

Casey gets right in the camera with her giant head and moves her hand around like she’s rapping. It’s kinda hilarious. It looks like she can sing her ass off the way she’s acting, but her mic is the loudest and, well, she can’t. Tatiana’s mic isn’t even on, which is understandable, because it looks like she’s singing a word behind everyone else. At one point she just stops singing for a second and poses. I love this woman.

Line!

The choreographer doesn’t really know what to do with this group. They just wander around like they’re playing Marco Polo while Tatiana grinds to the audience and the cowpoke girl with the giant mouth stomps her feet.

Two handsome black men for the price of one.





That’s right. It’s time to earn your keep, you little wench.





My new headshot.

20 years?!?! How OLD am I?

Tink calls last night “(beat) raw”. Very nice way of putting it. Then we get highlights. Jackie’s more ridonk the second time around, and Braddy can sang! Damn I already forgot, which can’t be good. Then we get to see the disasters again.

Let that baby free!

Casey crying and saying it’s so much fun and “I just don’t want it to end!”

Casey it’s for you. Telenovela’s calling.

Well there are a lot of disasters and I already complained about them for nine pages so let’s just skip to the chosen one.

You can make $1000 dollars a week selling Google Ads!

Tink asks Jackie to grade her performance. She asks whether he wants a school grade or an Olympic grade, since she wore ice skating pants. School. “91?” Tink asks if that’s an A and she says it’s an A or a B-. You know who’s not winning tonight? Our education system.

Anoop is sitting back hip hop style and insists that he’s relaxed. I believe him. He looks very relaxed. And where does over-confidence lead? To a life of alcoholism and karaoke contests and screaming to the heavens. Tatiana is next to be grilled. The audience laughs before she even opens her mouth, cuz she’s swaying her head back and forth like Stevie Wonder and smiling like a crazy person. Then she instantly changes her face and says how humbled she is to be here.

That’s the nicest set of wooden teeth I’ve ever seen.

Tink keeps asking her if she’s ok, which is really annoying. She shows off her Paula Reynolds Wrap collection and then plays with her hair and says she hopes America keeps her dream alive. Then she moves her head all the way back like someone said something crazy and then starts doing the Stevie Wonder head sway again. I didn’t need to type all that, but I’m entranced.

The cowpoke girl with the big mouth is next and says she’s just grateful to make it this far. Tink isn’t having that answer. He presses her by asking what she talked about with her mom after the show last night. She repeats her mom’s complaint that one minute she’s singing too young, and then she sings a song that’s too old for her so she doesn’t get it. Let me make it clear for ya. You suck both ways. CYA!

Casey is called to center stage. She agrees that she did the wrong song but is glad to be there. Randy agrees with her agreeing with him and says she doesn’t deserve to stay. And she doesn’t. Bizyezye! Steven’s next and Tink calls him out for having sweaty palms. Rude, gross. just do the fist pound. Fowl says that he regrets the song and maybe “shoulda done what got me here”, which is forget the lyrics twice, bang down on the piano keys and walk off the stage pouting. Agreed, that would have been ten times as entertaining. He finishes with “but as long as you can’t say I sounded bad, you know…” Silence, then uncomfortable laughter from the audience. LOL, audience.

Tink calls Skara out for laughing and asks if Fowl deserves to stay and she says no. He’s out. Alexis is wearing a Panama Jack hat, which hides all the work she did hoing up her eyes. I hope she’s in, just to see her try to mold just what kind of hooker she wants to look like over the next few months. Also so we can see just how fucked up her dad will get in the greenroom.

I smell cookies. You don’t? Then maybe you should make some, bitch!

She’s in! Her mom’s happy and her dad is eating his hand. Munchies! Someone lead this guy to the crafts services table stat.

Alexis cries and Tink tells her she could be the next American Idol. “I know!” She sings her Aretha song again. She kinda cracks on a belt note, but overall she does better than she did the first time. Atta girl! Meanwhile, her dad is having a fit backstage.

Feeeeed meeeeeee!!!!

Oil Rig Bear Face

Braddy and Jackie are called to the stage next. Tink reminds Braddy he has no stage presence or charisma and B stands there blank with no stage presence or charisma. Tink asks Jackie if she agrees with Simon that she blew it and says no she disagrees a hundred percent and stands by her performance a hundred percent. No one mentions the pants, and it’s probably for the best. Simon just says “we’ll see.” They’re both out. When Jackie gets the news, she says “coool.” Hehehe.

Anoop and Oil Rig Bear are next. It’s the battle of the funny singing faces. Oil Rig beat Anoop?!? WTF? This is the red states’ revenge for Palin’s loss. Their voices will be heard, dammit! I’m surprised by that one. I thought Anoop was a shoo in. Oil Rig responds with the most hideous face he can muster on short notice.

Tink asks Oil Rig what his fellow Rig Bears are saying right now and he says they’re either proud or making fun of him for being a sissy. Hahaha.

What a quaint normal person. I hope I never get stuck in an elevator with him.

Oil Rig gets to sing again and it’s just as shaky and off key as last night. But we do get some new faces.

Hairball alert.

The backup singers kicked ass on that one. They should move on.

Buuuurp.

The other singers look depressed because everyone knows ChoirHawk Widower’s moving on. And now for a clip of the opening of some American Idol thing at Disneyworld, just in case you want to be humiliated and treated like dogshit in front of a whole lotta people, too. It’s the first time all the idols have been together in the same place, which is sad. I like to think of them all living in one big house with Clive walking around in his underwear making dinner and lecturing them about safe sex and calling them pitchy. I am especially glad to see Fantasia because I love that crazy face. She may be living out of her car, but that doesn’t mean she can’t look fabulous at all times. I also like to see that Cook isn’t being accepted into the click yet.

Guys let me in. Guys? Guys?

The next two contestants are called up and it’s Carly and Michael Johns!! WOWEE!! They look like extras on True Blood.

Guys. It’s called outside. Go there every once in awhile.

Tink jokes that they’re still giving results from last year. Good, you can rectify that whole Cook debacle. Just kidding GeorgiaBabe don’t get all pissy with me. Carly tells a story about losing her luggage in Orlando and having to go to Chinatown to get a weave. Love it. She also picked up some paste on brows and a duck to munch on in the limo.

Johns has finished an album and he’s got a single coming out and he’s still hot. They sing “My Baby Wrote Me a Letter.” Why? No idea. Carly would win this season. She’s still pretty awesome. Johns is still boring and mediocre and hot. Man I forgot how Carly could wail. Not one contestant this year can belt like that, boy or girl. I don’t know why they sang that song, but it’s nice to see them both rich, because it means at least someone got something out of last season. And it’s nice to see Carly in sleeves.

Quizno’s is the new Studio 54.





Was he on drugs? Or just really sick of watching Murder She Wrote reruns?

Looks exhausting.

Every character she plays will have really tight clothes and make pouty faces.

Tink doesn’t bother bringing the backup singer chick up to the stage, just asks her to stand. The country guy with wife abuser face and cowpoke chick with the big mouth stand too. They aren’t even lit, poor things. They just have to stand there in funky shaped shadows. We all know they’re out, but Tink makes Randy tell them all they suck again anyway. And they’re out.

Benicio Del Toro, please stop littering the country with your children. Thank you.

ChoirHawk Widower and Tatiana are next. ChoirHawk is confident, Tati not so much. She is moving her head and shaking and playing with her hair. She takes a pleading pose, but come on now. Paula says you can’t take anything for granted and you have to vote, but she chooses Danny. And commercial. ChoirHawk is pissed. American Idol isn’t supposed to toy with your emotions.

Is this supposed to make me want to buy something or is it just on during this show to make Simon feel better?

My phone! I’ve thrown it against the wall numerous times and it still works just as half assed as ever, so I can vouch for it’s sturdiness.

Tink, evil as ever, asks Tatiana what the psychic said about the results. She answers “it’s up to America it’s up to the power of the larva (sorry couldn’t understand that one) it’s up to talent hard work I’m so blessed to be here.” Her head is still shaking like crazy. She’s on the verge of a full blown seizure. I’m glad we’re all finding this so entertaining. It’s all fun and games until she kills herself in front of a judges house. Seriously. Wrong. ChoirHawk says he just wants to know once and for all and he’s in! SHOCK!

BrotherHawk and Gay Best Just Friends Part 2. Part one is standing on a freeway somewhere.

Tatiana takes it really well and smiles big. Just kidding she’s a wreck.

Don’t hug me you SOB. Someone get me some sugar. SUGAR.

ChoirHawk takes the stage to sing his song again while Tati gets as much sympathy from the contestants as she can, because none of them got bad news tonight. BrotherHawk holds up a picture of ChoirHawk and his wife. OK you know what? I’m really really really sorry that the wife died, k? Really I am. Now cut the crap.

OMG is he married?

Dead wife shmed schmife I’m suffering here!

He sings beautifully and boringly. The best part is Tati going into full on drama mode.

They should have told her first. The hour would have been action packed.

ChoirHawk’s song finally ends, and Simon looks kinda pissed. I love Simon.

Five full minutes and yet, still no actual tears. Curious.

Let this be a lesson to you. No matter what ChoirHawk sings, believing in yourself really doesn’t do much. See you next week!