American Idol: Relevance

They’ve said goodbye to their families, they’ve put their jobs on hold, and they’ve abandoned their every day lives. What selflessness! Who will be the next Jesus? No one knows. In the meantime, THIS. Is American Idol!

You were really relevant tonight, dawg.

Tink introduces the six contestants who have been moved onto the next round, and the only one who isn’t smiling is the twink, who must have had a rough first week as Oil Rig Bear’s bottom bunkmate.

Get this poor kid an ice pack.

Hello judges! Tink asks Simon why, if he’s so against the shit song choices, he doesn’t just choose the songs himself. Simon says that if everyone could sing “Hello My Name is Simon, and I Like to Make Drawrings” every week he would make them, but Coca Cola expects a little more diversity. Damn you, Coca Cola!

The contestants run into the waiting stage making wacky faces and I hardly remember any of them. Except of course the kid with the headbands and lip piercings that looks like one of those creepy reborn dolls.

Von Smith is first, and I don’t recognize him until he sings and makes a ridiculous huge mouthed face. He’s the one who told the judges that he’s trying to not be what his parents are trying to make him be. His rebellion includes a knit cap and a vow to never shout/sing at the judges again. Darn. It was fun the first time.

He’s singing “You’re All I Need to Get By” by Marvin Gaye. They just ripped Kai the Lie for doing something so old school, but they might be kinder to someone who wasn’t born the actual year the song was written. The stylists have given him a fauxhawk. ARGH. Come on already with the fauxhawk! The stylists need to be sent home this week. Von still has his giant mouthed faces to lean back on, but he’s as quiet as possible to start so Simon won’t throw anything at him, and it’s awkward. He seems pretty comfortable on stage for the most part, and even though he misses some of his belt notes, he hits the fals ones. The best parts are when he has to hit high notes, cuz he pops his head to the sky like a jack in the box. It’s like Mariah hands, but with his head.

Biggest pic ever? Sorry bout that.

Overall he does a pretty good job with a semi-crap song. Randy says he did a great job and was way better than he was in Hollywood. Skara says he’s more comfortable and she approves of him taking Simon’s advice to not shout the whole thing. Von’s sister is so happy with this critique that her front teeth almost pop out of her mouth.

Dadooooing!

Paula sounds like she’s about to cry, but it might be the fifty pounds of tinfoil she has around her neck. Seriously no one push her in a pool cuz her ass will drown.

Can’t. Breathe.

She loved it, and Simon says that Von reminds him of Gayken with his similar “appalling” dress sense and pasty unabashed future gayness.

When the man’s right, he’s right.

Von is ecstatic to be given positive notes, but he isn’t sure how to take the Gayken thing so he decides that “he’s successful” so he should take it as a compliment. He doesn’t say “talented” or “amazing”, but Clay can take care of his ass when he comes to visit later in the season looking, I presume, more like Shirley McClaine than ever.



Next up is Taylor from Hurricane, Utah. I don’t remember seeing this girl at all so she must be boring. She says that she forgot her words in Hollywood but just kept singing her harmonies and redeemed herself. I think her hotness redeemed her, or it might have been her friend Wynona Judd, who was fresh off the set of her new Alli commercials.

I need a paper towel. I’m leaking all over the damn place.

She’s singing “If I Eein’t Got You” by Alicia Keys, and she’s dressed as sexy as Utah would allow.

OMG elbows! SLUT!

She got a prettyish voice, but she’s flat a lot of the time and her vibrato’s so big it’s making her whole body twitch. I feel bad for her cuz you know those rubber pants are making her legs itch, and it shows. She looks uncomfortable and she pronounces her words funny. Superfeecial. Huh? What the hell is going on in Hurricane, Utah? Other than random word changes, she tries to duplicate every riff Alicia does, but never gets there. I can’t believe I’ve written this much about her, but I’m digging. I can’t just write yawn blahblah bored meh for a whole paragraph. Wait. Can I?

Skara starts by telling her she has a pretty voice, and Taylor is already sobbing. Skara continues that Taylor’s personality didn’t come through and she wants to know what it’s like to go shopping with her. Walk around a skuba store twitching. Just saved you an afternoon. Paula is confused because Taylor did the same song in Hollywood week and should have taken a chance. Simon is perplexed that Skara asked about shopping with Taylor. HAHA. “What kind of breakfast cereal do you like?” Taylor answers Joseph Smith Smiley Smores and lets him continue. He says that he had no idea who she was from Hollywood week and now he knows why. Owee, but so true. The music starts up because even the producers forgot about Randy. He cuts them off and says Taylor was nothing special. Thanks. And…music.

Then fucking stop with the goddamned mothercrapping fauxhawks!

By the way the above news story is true. Some kids are trying to stop LA from cussing. The gangs and the drugs and the crackwhores outside the schools are fine, but the bad language must stop!! Go plant a tree, geeks.

I’ve had plenty of these and I’ve never been on the news.

Alex, Danny Noriega 2′s boyfriend, is next. He tells Tink that he’s been reading about himself on the internet and people have called him a dork so he’s started going to the gym to “fill out a shirt like Simon”. Tink says “that will come with age.” LOL. His video package is about how mean Simon is to him. You gotta love this kid, cuz when Simon says his personality is a 9 and his singing voice is a three, this is Alex’s reaction.

You totally said that to me in Second Life too. This is crazy.

He says life goes on whether or not Simon likes you and he’s got a long distance relationship (cough Noriega2 cough) and he is here to be a boyfriend for the night to anyone who’s missing someone. My hand’s hotter, but thanks.

He sing’s Elton’s “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues ” . He’s another one with 50 year old vibrato, and he growls and riffs off key. He’s hoarse, so I can’t tell if he’s going into Elvis mode on purpose or just trying to get through it. His jerky awkward over the top dancing is funny, especially when he tries to get all cool with the mic and knocks the stand over, but it’s nothing compared to his eyebrow dances. Alex seems like a really nice kid, but that was painful to sit through.

That’s why they call you a dork. Keep working out and at least they’ll do you the favor of saying it behind your back so they don’t get their asses kicked.

The judges are all laughing when he finishes. Paula says he’s quite the showman and he gave them their money’s worth but she doesn’t know how much money will be spent. Ouch. Getting dissed by Paula is the harshest, even though she barely makes sense. Simon asks if they can ask for a refund and Paula tells him to shut up and then cracks “can I get a refund from sitting next to you?” HUH? Sometimes I really wonder if Paula is truly this stupid or if it’s all an act and she really goes home and forces her maid to read her Dostoyevsky while she takes bubble baths.

Simon says it was fun watching him but not listening to his stupid growling and he’s a hamster trying to be a tiger. The judges are still laughing. Randy says it was crazy and all he did was scream and dance badly. Skara says that he’s very Alex. This is all painful. His parents are cute, though! Poor kid got his dad’s disposition and his mom’s under eyes.

This whole family needs to get some sleep.

The judges make fun of him for a solid two minutes and I start to feel bad for the kid. Tink tells him he did too much creatine and points out that he was much softer in rehearsal. He was carried away by the moment, man. A 17 year old named Arianna is next. Flashback to her first judging. She got four “you’re cute!”s, which means she gets an auto pass to Hollywood. Who the hell is this chick? I can’t remember her for the life of me. She says that she was hardly shown in Hollywood week presumably because she was being taken seriously as a singer. “I don’t wanna be taken just because I look like a button.” Oh wah I’m too cute to live I’m gonna kill myself. She’s singing “Winner Takes All” by Abba.

She starts waaaay off key and off with the music. She adds riffs all over the place but hits none of them until the middle of the song when the octave changes. She has one really strong belt note but that’s it. She cracks on the rest and has a big boner on her last note. YIKES. Simon says the song was ironic because the winner does take it all and she was horrible and awful. He liked her at first but thinks she’s acting too old. Arianna says she knows the song was old but she tried to make it contemporary. The trouble with that reasoning is suck ass sounded the same in 1980 as it does in 2009. Skara tells her that being cute as a button is a good thing and she went too far against that compliment and blew it tonight. Paula agrees, but nicer and less coherently. Simon tells her how to properly pronounce Abba and she completely loses her train of thought.

But I’m still cute, right? SAY IT.

Tink asks the judges if she has the voice to stay, and they say obviously cuz they brought her this far. LOL that was the funniest thing I’ve heard this year. The problem wasn’t the song, it was her voice. That was wack. Ju’Not is next. he’s the dude who got in cuz his son came into the audition room and was all adorable and stuff. He was kinda a nerd and the judges told him so so he showed up to Hollywood week with a tilted baseball cap and an attitude. He’s singing “Hey There, Delilah” and his voice is silky smooth, deep and real perty. He’s the best so far tonight by far, but I’m bored as all hell. I’m going for a glass of Ju’Not grigio. So far this night iszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Randy loved it and so did Skara but she wants to see him bust it out more next time. Paula wants to see the kid, but Ju’Not left him with grandma. LOSE. Paula says that it was a risk to not bring the brat and to sing the same song Taylor sang in HWood and Simon asks who the f Taylor is. LOL. She was like two singers ago. Simon says it was good but he wants it to be stripped down more. Ju’Not says he held back cuz his voice is wonky and he even had to get a cortizone shot in the ass. If you already need cortizone shots, you’re not gonna make it through the whole show. He should have had a shot of heroin. At least it would have lightened things up. Just when I think there’s no hope of actually being entertained tonight…

Tink interviews Reborn and the girl the judges basically called ugly in Hollywood week at the same time. He reminds us of the drama in their group during HWood and asks Reborn what that was all about. Reborn asks like he’s answering a tough question in the Miss USA pageant and assures us that he and You Ugly got along just fine most times and “I think we all saw where the drama came from.” Yes, yes we did. And now, a Reborn Soliloquy.

Tonight he is in full RodStewartHawk mode with a glitter headband from the impulse rack at Forever 21 and an unzipped Old Navy sweat jacket that is open so we can kinda see his gnarly chest tattoo. I have zoomed my ass off, but I can’t read it. The best guess I can make is “Thug Bitch”.

It could also be Fug Bitch, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

You Ugly, whose name turns out to be Kristen, makes cutesy faces and shrugs at the cameras like she’s on Hee Haw. When Tink asks what she thinks of Reborn, she smiles like she’s drunk and then gets big and fakey and whines “I LOOOOOVE REBORN!” Lethargic giggle. I wait for her to add “I’m prettier than him”, but she doesn’t. Seriously she seems drunk. And she’s got shit on her shoulders that looks that it was squeezed out of a cake icing squirter.

Hey this cupcake has booze in it!

We are shown a clip of her initial audition when she had the purple hair. She tells us that her hairdresser totally made a mistake that day. Riiight. Luckily, she happened to have a matching belt.

Cuckoo!

They don’t show the clips of the judges arguing about whether to keep her or the girl she had the sing-off with that wasn’t so homely, but they don’t need to show them cuz it’s burned into my brain. That was the first time I was thoroughly mortified this season. You Ugly shrugs all that off and, giggling and drawling, tells us that “you haven’t done anything in the music business til’ you’ve gone through American Idol’s Hollywood Week!” Or until you’ve, like, done anything in the music business. Who are you, Reba McEntire?

She is singing Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”. She does it like she’s popping out of a cake at a bachelor party. I always thought of this song as a really pissed off really miserable chick trying to hold on to any shred of dignity after her jerk of a boyfriend treated her like crap for the last time, but Kristen’s sexing it up and making it gross. She says “yeah!” after every line and winks at the camera. EW!

Tracy Chapman is somewhere completely stunned silent right now.

Then she growls. Grodie. The key goes up and she starts belting a bit. It sounds a lot better, but she’s cheesy and uncomfortable. The arrangement’s not helping her. She comes off super whitebread, karaoke and sad. Then she goes into a fals yell that turns into a screech and ends boning a shout riff that ends in the wrong key. She’s a dingbat, but I actually thought she was gonna be good.

Skara likes her hair better. Ouch. She basically just says it was the wrong song and she should go more rocky but can sing. And the outfit’s a mess. Paula reminds her that in Hollywood week she sang a Kelly Clarkson song and she liked that better. Simon laughs, because we all know Paula was just handed a little piece of paper with that written on it or some shit so she didn’t go through the entire second half of the show making no kind of sense. Paula says the song was wrong but she can really sing. HUH? That sucked giant bawlz. Simon says she has a good voice but that was bad and she doesn’t seem to know who she is. These guys crack me up. They tell her she looks like total crap Hollywood Week so she tries to change and then they say she’s confused because she changed. They’re trying to make her break down, and I’m totally behind them.

Tink asks her who she is and she proudly says her name. No one applauds. She says that she sees herself recording Leona Lewis and Kelly Clarkson type stuff. LOL. She admits that she has no dress style and says that even as a kid she always looked like a freak. AW!! Now I can imagine her getting picked on on the playground and I feel bad, cuz it was probably someone like me who was picking on her. And here we are today. See how things come full circle? This shit is getting deep.

This kind of girl is why dodgeball was invented.

Reborn is next. He tells us proudly in his video that he’s this year’s drama queen, and then we’re shown the clips of him freaking out left and right. He assures us that we haven’t seen the real him. Pose.

Oh that’s the real you! Muuuuuch better.

He says that he wants to show America that he’s really fun!! Then he jumps around and makes Shirley Temple faces. He’s singing Meatloaf’s “Anything for Love”. It’s a conundrum, because the “I would do anything for love” part rings true. The “but I won’t do that” is totally unbelievable. This guy would eat a kitten whole for a little love. It’s such a human thing, isn’t it? The people who need love the most are the ones you wanna kick the hardest.

He starts off a bit shaky, but he’s got a really nice voice. The song switches from soft and dramatic to pumping 80′s aerobic music, complete with shoulder to waist hop snaps from Reborn. It’s bizarre. If this was a radio show he’d be doing above average right now. But it’s not, and he’s making me uncomfortable. And I am a very gay man.

I haven’t felt this butch since Sanjy.

The first thing out of Simon’s mouth is “I think you probably would.” LOL we’re on the same page there. Simon says that the minority will like it but the majority, like him, will find the Olivia Newton John headband and his whole look horrifying. Then he changes his mind kinda and says he likes Reborn and he’s fun. The kid’s confusing. Just don’t look at him and he’s not bad. Randy says he likes him to but isn’t sure of the song. Reborn says that he used to dance around in the living room with his drunk mom playing that song over and over. Aw! Randy isn’t sure what the hell kind of record they would make with him, and he says he wants to make something “fun that everyone would like.” Deep. I think that’s what Chopin said when he started composing. Simon suggests he make “a Keep Fit video”. Richard Simmons does need an heir.

Skara says he can sing but he needs to act serious if he wants to be taken seriously. She would love to go to karaoke with him, though! That would be a mic bitch slap fight to the death. I wouldn’t dare try to take the mic from either of those drama queens. Simon asks who’s here tonight supporting him and he points out his Grandma. Tink asks her how she feels and she says “I liked it. I’m used to his music.” HAHAHA. No wonder this kid is poking holes in himself and getting bad tattoos anywhere they’ll fit. Paula says that she liked in Hollywood week when he sang Disturbia and says it made him “relevant”. Simon mutters “no it didn’t.” Paula tells Reborn that this was like a Boy George version of Meat Love and basically he should butch it up and lay off the love of meat while he’s trying to get people to like him. So now they’re gonna try and change him? Sorry but reinvention can only go so far and this kid’s past the point of no return. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You can’t un-ring a bell.

Reborn tells Tink that he loves to have fun!! He does the wave with his arm through the whole interview and says “fun” a lot. Tink wants him to make Simon less uncomfortable so he takes the kid to the judges table and it really looks like everyone’s more comfortable. Tink takes off one of his headbands and tries to put it on Simon while Reborn sits on Paula’s lap.

OMG you look so real.

The visually impaired guy is next, and he tries to high five the camera.

Member how that Pacitti girl got dropped because she was a too obvious plant? Well she’s been replaced by a girl named Felicia. Skara told Felicia when she was being cut that she didn’t have anything really unique about her, and her video package pretty much confirms that. I just watched it and I have no idea what she said. She grabs my attention when she starts singing Alica Keys, though. She makes no effort to sing it like Alicia, which is good, and her voice is different than anything so far. She does a lot of sliding around and it sounds good…until she cracks. Then she just tries to shout the rest out and the sliding thing starts sounding cartoonish. Every time she tries to hit the high belt notes she misses. If you can’t hit them don’t sing them! In her defense, Alicia doesn’t hit those half the time either, but still. Alicia’s ass doesn’t need votes. I am on the fence, but when I see her family I root for her. Well I root for her son, who looks like he’s gonna go crazy if he has to hear her sing that in the house one more freaking time. Keep her on the show so this kid can get a little vacay.

That was….great, mom.

Paula says that she’s gorgeous on the in and out and that she should come back over and over again and has a beautiful gift. Simon thought the first half was good but he’s not as impressed as Paula. He also says it’s copycat. Randy says Simon’s right and she didn’t sound like Alicia. Simon doesn’t bother correcting him, but his look is priceless.

Is everyone a moron?

Skara says there were note problems but it’s the first time she noticed her. Then she goes back to being boring in her interview. Scott is next with “Mandolin Rains” by Bruce Hornsby. He sounds out of breath and like he’s having trouble grasping the rhythm through the whole thing. When he’s on, he’s kinda ok but wow. BORRIIINNGGGG. The audience seems to love it. The best part was his cute brother.

Man bangs

The audience keeps screaming after he’s done. Randy says that it wasn’t the best vocal but he can feel his passion and how much he wants this. Skara pounds the table and says that he’s passionate and she doesn’t care that the vocals weren’t great. She thinks he’ll be better when he’s at the piano, and Paula calls him brilliant. I know this is cold, and I’m sorry, but those judges are blinded by blindness. I mean come on, people with handicaps don’t want to be treated better than anyone else just because they have physical problems. It’s offensive and demeaning. All they ask for is a decent parking space. Simon didn’t like the lyrics, but he doesn’t elaborate. He doesn’t think it was the best vocal of the night, but he has “relevance”. Blindness is totally in right now. He will sail through to the next round.

Tink asks him how he’s been doing and Scott says that it’s hard to sing without his piano but he did his best. Then he asks Tink for a high five cuz “I’m a stationary target.” The judges think that’s hilarious and laugh way too loud way too long. This is shaping up to be one of the most uncomfortable hours of Idol ever. Between Reborn, You Ugly, and this guy, I want to just sit in my closet and hug myself.

Kendall Beard, the cute petit blond from TX is next. We get to see clips of her auditioning in Puerto Rico. When she gets through to Hollywood, her dad gets on the ground and does the alligator. My dad does that at every wedding we go to. It’s both awesome and mortifying. Anyway, when she passes from Hollywood to this round, her dad fell to the floor and everyone gathered around and shouted “alligator!” Unfortunately, he was having a heart attack and is now dead.

Hilarious! Do it again!

Just kidding. He’s still alive, but my lie story would have probably helped his kid a lot more than her performance does. She sings Martina McBride’s “This is For the Girls”. She out sings Kelly Pickler, but that’s really all I can think of to say about her, other than she’s wearing a weird corsage on her hip. She screeches and cracks on a belt note but otherwise it’s decent. Snoooore. I can’t believe this group actually has me rooting for Reborn.

Marie Osmand liked it.

Skara says her big personality comes through and she picked a good song to appeal to the red states but she missed a lot of notes. Paula loves the outfit and says her parents must be real proud and she’s definitely country. Simon says “you are what you are” and she’s cute. He wanted it to end half way through cuz it got shrilly and should have chosen a song better for her voice, but there are plenty of hicks who like country even if he doesn’t. Randy likes country but her nerves showed. So to sum it up, you’re a cute hick and will go far even though not one of us can hide our disdain for you and your music. No respect! Next up, the Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr.

The dulce man can, babay!

Julio’s video is about how he has a thick accent and a funny Don Juan dance thing going on, YAY!! He sings “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”, and unfortunately there’re no dance breaks. He does make amazing Sammy Davis Jr faces directly at the camera though.

The arrangement is super slow and it gets draggy, but this guy can sing his ass off. That mixed with his telenovela drama stares into the camera have me totally entertained. He just needs to ramp it up a bit. Paula gives him a standing o. She is proud of him for toning down his accent. Simon admits that they were jerks for telling him to not sing with an accent and he should be who he is. He also notes that there are actually people with “Spanish accents” who make a lot of money in music. LOL. Ya think? Then the girls ask him to talk in his accent and Simon jumps on them for being patronizing. If he hadn’t just let the blind dude sit on his face I might be with him on the patronizing thing.

Randy says that accent or no it was a really good vocal and he’s totally vindicated himself from Hollywood week. Skara says he can touch people cuz it comes from his heart. Then he starts crying! AWWW! He can’t answer how he feels because when he’s emotional he can only think in Spanish. When I get emotional I think in calories. It might be time to learn another language.

Lil Rounds is next. She has three kids at home and is dedicating this song to them. I’m waiting for “Release Me”, but she sings “Be Without You” by Mary J. She’s last, which means she’s a fave to move on. Not the best song for this show because it doesn’t really go to many places, but she nails it. Damn, girl! No fear here. She’s got a ferociousness about her you gotta respect. Or you’ll get a stiletto up your corn hole. This girl doesn’t take crap.

Scariest customer service call ever.

She ends with “call this show if you can’t live without me babe” and because there were no high notes she belts one out at the end randomly. Ouch. She yells it and runs out of breath, but that was the only bad part of the whole song. The audience goes nuts. Simon says “brilliant” and she was the best so far. He didn’t like the song because she sounded too much like Mary J but she’s one of the best singers this year. Randy agrees and loves that she kept her swagger. Skara calls her a powerhouse and slips into black talk. Oh, white lady, please stop. Paula calls her first class and says that she should be here for many more lil rounds! CLEVER! Lil says thank you like she’s threatening them.

So what are your guesses? I guess Lil’, Sammy Davis Jr. and of course Scott, because we’re a nation of suckers. Part of me is hoping for Reborn though, I have to admit.