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Tonight on American Idol, dreams are stamped out at twice the speed!
I’ll still take your credit card number, honey. Don’t cry. BUY.
We start off with the poor blind guy staring off into space while Tink touches a homely girl. The touch healed the girl. Not of her homeliness, Lord bless her, but of her fear of dorky dancing.
Sorry Scott, but Tink can only make you whiter. Maybe lasik?
Randy’s back to his too femme to be gay wardrobe tonight, and I suddenly remember why I like him again.
He can wear the fugliest clothes in the world, but dagnabbit he’s gonna find sunglasses to match that shit.
Now for a montage of this group’s path to Idol: You Ugly sobs with lipstick all over her face while she stares at a cracked mirror, Blind Guy hums his audition song and tries to play a game of Batlleship by himself, Lil affixes hula hoops to her ears while her three kids sob about her stealing their only toys, Reborn pokes holes in his face with knitting needles and screams at his Meemaw for not loving him enough to buy him tickets to a Duff concert, the Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr sells fruit and chile on La Brea, Pacitti is handed a Little Orphan Annie Wig and told that the Other Simon has changed his cell number so stop calling, and this little pasty kid stands in the mirror trying on cheesy hats and making sexy faces.
That’s some heartwarming stuff. And now for the group number! Today it will be Katy Perry’s “Hot and Cold”. Tink says “their friendships are tight, but how bout their choreography?” You really want an answer? I haven’t even watched it and I can already tell you that they can’t even snap and sway at the same time. The girls start on the balcony. You Ugly tries to make sexy face and of course fails miserably and Cute Girl doesn’t know any of the words. I find it hilarious that Cute Girl hates being called cute but then she wears a Shirley Temple ribbon taped to the side of her head.
Yeah, you’re mouth should be open right now.
The guys sit on the stage and sing up to the balcony. It’s like Romeo and Juliet!! How cute. My favorite part of that play is the double suicide. I hope they go there. And wow. The HAIR. Blind Guy is the only one with an excuse. A hot brother who doesn’t wanna be upstaged. Did you think I was gonna say blindness? Seriously though, hot brother, help your bro out! How does he get away with that? It’s handicap abuse! I have a feeling Reborn watched a lot of Tammy Faye when he was a youngin.
The Lord loves yeeaoooou! Send us money.
Samuel Davis Junior looks like he’s pooing while Ju’Not ignores it and Eyebags tries to wave off the stank.
Oh man. I just realized who Reborn looks like. Does anyone watch Big Love? Reborn is Margie’s nosy neighbor/friend, but with way worse hair.
Sure enough, the group all starts snapping and no one is on the same beat. Especially Eye Bags, who can’t remember the words or the beat or even why he’s here.
Sugar, take a nap.
I would swear from watching this that Blind Guy isn’t blind, cuz he keeps staring straight into the camera while shouting words after the phrase has been sung and randomly punching the air off rhythm as they all do some kind of weird couch dance. I’m not saying nothing’s wrong with him, but it has less to do with vision and more to do with general …awkwardness.
When they’re done they have a seat to wait for results and Tink asks how they are. Blind Guy laughs uproariously. LOL. Clips from last night. Painful enough the first time. FF.
Tink asks Reborn if he went home and made self pity holes in his thighs last night after he was made fun of by the judges and most likely all of America. Well, he like had fun and just wanted to have fun and they said he was fun so it was like totally fun! Would he have changed anything? NO IT WAS FUN GODDAMMIT! Tink points out that he’s headbandless and Reborn says that he couldn’t find the right baby blue to match his tight woman jeans and if he doesn’t make it tonight and is brought back for Wild Card he’ll show the judges that he has an awesome amazing voice “that you just haven’t heard yet!” I’ll give him that one.
Samuel Davis Jr. is so happy to have the shance to be here, Felicia says she showed her heart on her sleeve, and Ju’Not had an asthma attack today. Alright, drama queen. Yesterday a cortizone shot, today an asthma attack. This is why we should all rally against socialized medicine. People like Ju’Not’ll cost this country a fortune. And now for some results.
Lil’s in! Tink asks how she feels to be in the Top 12 and she shouts that she feels like she’s in the Top 12. Alright so she’s not gonna be the best at interviews. She gets to sing again, but this time that shit’s way sped up. Way to rush a sista! I didn’t even have to FF, which is how I know that she didn’t nail the final note again. Tink stands half of the rest of em up and says that only one is through. Everyone standing looks really depressed cuz Blind Guy is standing too and America likes nothing more than to pat ourselves on the back for being good people. As long as it doesn’t cost us anything. And he’s in!! Hot brother is excited and homely sister is eye fucking the camera.
Back off, slut!
He sings that crap song again and it doesn’t sound sped up. No fair! His performance is as boring as last night.
Scariest crossover ever.
Your show’s really engaging and realistic and not a rip off of The Mentalist at all. There. Happy?
Reborn and You Ugly are outsies, which makes Paula and Simon horny.
EW! Make them stop!
Von, who has ditched the fauxhawk for the Big Boy Hamburger guy’s hair, is up next with the Annie understudy.
Well you’ve got the parakeet vote.
Tink reminds Von that Simon said he was like “his friend Gayken” and Simon LOL’s at that one. They haven’t spoken since they got caught on webcam together. They’re both out! Samuel Davis Jr. and Ju’Not are up next. Ju’Not prays and Samuel waves to the girls and half winks. Or keeps his face still. I can’t tell. Samuel’s in! This was a bad day for prayer’s reputation. Simon gives an shifty disappointed look right to the camera.
There you go Rosalita, I told you I wasn’t racist, are you happy? Now you can stop pretending you don’t know English and take out the damn trash before you leave for the day.
Samuel babbles in Spanish, but doesn’t get to sing again. Tink says that we’re moving straight on to Wild Card! Saweet. I’m confused. Tink says all the people who haven’t moved on are in the balcony, but I only count 20. There are nine passed through already, so where are the other seven? Someone please explain.
I hope you don’t mind, but it’s list time. Von, Jasmine, Ricky, and Megan (OH COME ON!!! The pretty girl who SUCKS. Why am I so surprised? Why am I so angry? Dunno but I just keep typing.) are in. Randy prefaces the next announcement with a warning that this season is about entertainment. They unanimously chose Tatianna! LOL. YAAAY!!! She balls and throws herself all over the place and jerks her head around and acts like a nutcase. At least she can sing. Matt’s next in a khaki chef’s jacket (?), and he’s followed by Bette Davis Forehead. The last spot goes to “one of the easiest decisions of the eight”, Anoop! He doesn’t look too happy, but it might be because he’s got a giant forehead in his face. Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr. sings us out and makes lazy eyed sexy face at the cameras.
Have a Certs, Jezebel.
AND NOW! ON TO WILD CARD!!!!
Tink says tonight is about redemption, which I assume means that there’s gonna be some sort of apology.
Paula is wearing a gay leopard tonight.
If PETA doesn’t go after her the same way they would if she was wearing a straight leopard, I’m gonna be really pissed.
Never mind! All is forgiven, PETA! Way to keep with the redemption theme.
Bette Davis Forehead is first.
“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.”
She is singing “Tell Me Something Good”. I don’t know if it’s the arrangement or what, but she is in a different key than the band. Her voice gets shaky but it’s from fear and who can blame her? What a stupid song to sing as your last chance. She needed to wail and she pretty much just growled off key. Randy liked the song but she missed a lot of notes and it was just ok. Skara says it was wonky but “you have a swagger!” It’s called pelvic gyrations, not swaggering. Get your “horrible dancing” terms straight, Skara. Paula loved her, and Simon says that she was very last minute in the decision making process and he’s glad they went with her even though her performance was indulgent. He adds that she has a good voice. Not tonight, but as long as they keep telling us that maybe we’ll eventually believe it.
Matt’s next in his Banana Republic Kitchen garb. As if to kiss the judges’ asses, he offers them all some gum.
Yikes. No. Put that away you’re on TV.
“Who’s Lovin’ You?” is his choice because he was told to be more bluesy. And bluesy he is. His song is one long riff broken up only by a straw fedora and a scarf. He can sing his ass off, and he does sing his ass off. That’s what they asked for and he delivered. Way too much on the riffy riff, but he nails every single one and every fals riff as well. Damn. Nice! I feel bad for his goofball friends, who you know get all the residual tang Gum passes up at the piano bar.
How are we supposed to get laid now? DON’T TAKE HIM FROM US!
Skara says it was a little over the top but he was great, Paula says to never change from this style, Simon says it was a billion times better than last week but his outfit is trying way too hard and he saw a bit too much Taylor Hicks showing through. And the audience boos! HAHAHAH. Poor Taylor Hicks. Randy says hot and yeeeah. Gums tells Tink that he’s been singing this song forever, and his cool act is working cuz Tink calls him “brah”. Head slap.
Megan, the pretty girl, sings that girl under a cherry tree song. She does that same fakey cartoon voice, and she still misses half her notes and grinds off key. And she’s still very pretty. She switches up into her belt for a bit but misses it completely and then screeches out a high note at the end. The best part was her floppy handed awkward hip jerky dancing. She’s lame. Paula likes her and thinks that she picked the right song. Simon thinks she’s terrific and “current”. WHAT? SHE SUCKS ASS. He finishes with “it’s not the best vocal we’ve ever heard”, but then he shrugs and the audience claps like that was a huge compliment. Randy agrees that the vocal was mediocre but she’ll make a lot of records. Skara says she’s unique. Two out of four of the judges said you weren’t the best vocal! You’re in! LAME.
Wow what a gorgeous….you’re in!
Von’s up next with “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”, and he is careful to whisper the opening so he doesn’t get in trouble for yelling. It’s pretty off key and blah. He gets way better when he starts belting. His voice sounds great and we get to see the Jack in the Box head pop when he reaches for high notes.
He does a nice job, def better than the first time, but Gums blew him out of the water. Simon says that the song was ok but he’s boring. Randy liked the hat and vibe from the other night and he was too serious tonight and couldn’t find the pitch. Skara says it was way too dark and he has what it takes but he hasn’t hit his stride. Von looks like he wants to cry. Paula says that she’s been watching him closely and looks forward to getting a chance to sexually assault him in the men’s room if he makes it.
Ah well, maybe you can replace poor Jack.
Jasmine’s next with “Reflection” by Christina. Dang! Girl grew some balls! It’s a shaky start, but she jumps into her belt and starts to kick ass. She’s a tough one, because most of it’s good but when she misses notes with that nasal twang she’s got going on, it’s painful. I’m just impressed she can sing this well. You wouldn’t know it from the last time. She ends in the top of her voice and nails the soft and beautiful notes. Some of that was just hurtful, but when it was good it was great. I’m confused.
Randy is confused too. He says when it was good it was good but she missed some notes. He adds that the first time was terrible so this was a vast improvement. Skara says she’s confused because she didn’t know there was that big of a voice inside. Paula thinks it was pretty good, but she doesn’t sound too into it. Simon tells her she’s not giving Jasmine enough credit and Paula gets defensive because she called Jasmine lovely and said she did a wonderful job. Simon retorts that he’ll go one step further and comment on something besides her outfit. LOL. He says that her song was special and even though it was too big for her, she’s back in the running.
Braddy’s next, and he’s singing “Superstitious”. Again his voice is gorgeous, but it’s hard to hear it because I’m laughing so hard at his sorry white boy moves.
Stevie can dance better than that, man!
His vocal is impressive and flawless, but damn no matter how hard he tries he’s just so damn boring. He’s also wearing a fauxhawk. This show is killing me with that haircut. This guy just sang in at least three octaves and nailed every noetzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Skara says he sings great and loosened up, Paula says he nailed it and had fun, Simon says he did sound good but the performance was clumsy. That was a very nice way of putting it. Randy thinks the song was self indulgent, which is tonight’s “relevant”. And now for a shot of Chola Bangs. YAAAY!
After Reborn lost she pushed his pansy ass down and stole his pants. Atta girl, Chola!
Tati’s next, and her pre interview is brilliant. Here is a reenactment of it. AI hates when we post video of the show, so I will be playing the part of Tatiana. My accent’s a bit too thick, so to compensate, imagine me in that swimsuit top she’s wearing.
Tati is singing Whitney’s “Saving All of My Love For You”. AGAIN. Why, girl ? Why? If at first you don’t succeed, CHANGE YOUR CRAZY ASS. She starts soft and flat, and her outfit is deliriously misguided. Glitter and glitter don’t go together, Sybil! Unless it’s one color. OH GOD WHY AM I STILL TYPING?!?! She does way better once she gets going and wails it out. She slams all the high notes and riffs. Hate her all you want. Bitch can sing. The best part is of course after she nails the final note and then fake breaks down.
Tie her to a train track already.
Tati starts screaming that she loves the judges and they make fun of her for suddenly having an accent. She says she’s like Jorge and thinks in Spanish when she’s nervous. Nice try but that charm has already been used up. Steal from someone else. She starts babbling and going nuts. Simon gives her crap for singing the same song for the third time. She says she couldn’t learn another song in one day and he calls bs. She doesn’t shut up. I love it. She says if it ain’t broke why fix it and he says if it wasn’t broken in the fist place she would have moved on. LOL. Skara says it’s like “The Adventures of Tatiana” and she has a different personality every time they see her. HAHAHAHAH. She’s out, I’m sure, but man she’s funny.
She drops into a beg squat at the judges and I have a feeling there’s no undies there. Tink tells her she doesn’t have to get up so she squats again and grosses everyone out.
Even her jayjay repeats the same old routines.
Anoop is last, which means he’s in because that’s the ass kiss spot. He says he’s here to stay! And then he sings the Britney version of “My Perogative” again. HUH??? Way to prove your singing chops with a song by someone who doesn’t even try to pretend she knows how to sing. AGAIN. He tries to be all cool and it’s so funny. Dude stop struggling so hard to dance like a white guy. I don’t even know how his vocal is because his dancing is so stupid. When I’ve stopped coughing after my hearty laugh, he’s boning a riff and beating his chest. The audience is going crazy. I don’t get it. Simon says it’s been a strange night and Anoop is an enthusiastic dog. He’s not the best singer, but people like him. He warns us that he’s not just going to put decent singers in, he’s also gonna put in personalities. Skara wanted to dance, and Paula says that everyone loved him. And, of course, he’s RELEVANT. Cuz it wouldn’t be a full night without that word.
Anoop says that he loves Chapel Hill and his thoughts are with them and Eve, which I guess is a dead chick cuz he pointed to the sky. Save it, Anoop! We’re not voting! Save dead Eve for next week! OK I’m guessing Gums, Anoop and the pretty girl who can’t sing for shite. The contestants are brought up one by one for the news directly from the judges. Jasmine’s in! I should have guessed cuz she’s like ten years old and the judges love to feast on baby flesh. Braddy’s back to a life of Chicken Fingers, which ought to make his family happy.
I prayed all day that Chicken Fingers would win!
The pretty girl and Tati are up together. Paula babbles on about them continuing their dreams and crap. And they’re going with the pretty sucky girl! GODDAMMIT! How is that right?!? Tati breaks down, and Paula tells her that they love her and she’s brilliant while Tati begs at the judges’ table. Paula tells her it’s not the end for her and she’ll also be an actress. LOL and BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLSHIT.
I’m sorry I sold the ring but I was hungry!
ARGH the show went over and my dvr didn’t get it, so I have no idea who won the last spot. Hold on let me search the net. What is this, the Oscars? They can just go over? I blame Paula. Anoop made it, and so did Gums! Wow so there are thirteen? Alright I just did two recaps so you guys recap the last part in the comments for me so I can have something to read in the morning. LOVE