American Idol Results: Moon Over Miami

Tonight on American Idol Results, some woman named Freda puts a tent in my boxers.

The action packed dramatic music pumps as we gets gems from last night: Randy calling the contestants the best EVAH and Skara insisting Krispy Twink took a huge risk. The best nuggets are from backstage. Cholaheta says that she thinks Disco Night is just a trap, LOL, and Little is in full on delusion mode, rolling her head and saying she doesn’t care what the judges say cuz it’s America’s show and America Votes! Then the editors put her and her mother’s attitude palms together. Take your momma to work it day.

High five!

Paula tells Church Lady that he has the sexiest voice ever made. It must have been the movie star jaw.

Then Simon disses UhNope for trying to lift high notes with his knees.

Well at least he won’t hurt his back.

Why am I even typing? We saw all this last night. Before we go on with tonight’s show, I must apologize for a couple things I missed. First, I didn’t hear Tink tell UhNope that he was the Indian Groucho Marx with those eyebrows. How did I miss that? Second, I didn’t give you a Puddle of Paula screengrab. I am ashamed of myself. Please accept my apologies. Watching Paula’s face come off her bones and melt to the floor was pretty amazing to see, and it deserves documentation. Here it is right before it started dripping all over her plastic diamond Forever 21 top.

On an even more disturbing note, poor Tink needs to file charges and get a restraining order against Marc Cherry, who’s in the audience trying to forget the pain he caused himself in the press by firing Nicolette Sheridan.

I smell a new Housewife.

Tink says that tonight, to celebrate Earth Day, they will be using Green energy in the theater. Whatever that means. I had way more fun with my own celebration. I ate as much beef as I could, started some plastic bags on fire, and kicked every tree I passed. I considered running a Prius off the road, but I didn’t want to hurt my gas guzzler in the process, so I just played conservative AM radio as loudly as I could with all my windows down and stayed right next to the bitch so she couldn’t make a turn.

We get to say hi to the judges. Skara has chest hair coming out of her top.

Paula is wearing Chita Rivera’s costume from Kiss of the Spider Woman, which is fitting because Tink tells us tonight Paula is our choreographer, and Kiss of the Spider Woman is the first time I’d ever seen an eighty year old put her ankle behind her neck. I’d rather not talk about the second time.

Tink intros a video of Paula teaching the kids a dance. They look hilarious trying to hump the air. Especially Krispy Twink, who is whiter than even Church Lady. They actually have to sweat this week, which means ten pounds of base on the face ain’t gonna work. So finally, we get to see Hambert without his makeup on!

HAWT

They get a five minute break, which Gums Giraud uses to download himself as a ringtone. He also downloads some Disney tunes for the tyke on his forehead. What is the point of this segment? Please make it stop. And don’t they have security? How come random queens keep showing up in these shots?

Go American Idol! And random queen!

Paula actually gets out of her chair to announce them, which is impressive. They start in the audience and Church Lady pelvis bumps some poor girl’s head.

Paula looks just as hot as Chita. Well done! Now sit down and drink some water. Your skin cells are thirsty.

When I was little, I would hold my sister down and pretend I was gonna drop a big long hanging spit stream into her mouth. I don’t know why I’m thinking of that right now.

OK this is hilarious. I love it! The whole thing is lip sunk and lip sunk badly. People are concentrating so hard on the “difficult” dance moves that they don’t even bother pretending they’re really singing. Who told Cholaheta that mom jeans came out in the seventies?

The sweetest and most offensive part of the number is the part where they do Blind Guy dance impressions.

Gums can move!! He leaves out the wiener grab, but he’s still way better than the others. I can’t tell if Lil is good or not, cuz all I see is weave. Unfortunately, like all good things, this number comes to an end eventually.

Disco didn’t die tonight, but it was beaten, abused and shamed pretty badly.

Paula gets up on stage for a bow and gets some flowers for that mess. Everyone tries to get a hug, but she won’t get off Gums.

OK. OK. Ouch. Ok. You’re hurting me. Let go. Let go. Help? Ouch!

The front row is getting quite a shot.

Vegans also like potato sack pants, underarm hair and rock deodorant. Flattering.

I’m not really sure what today’s Ford video is about. All I know is Krispy Twink is doing it in blackface, and he should be ashamed of himself.

This ad is satanic. Racism, overt sexual innuendo,

…topped off by Hambert and Little pouring mayo on a dog for supper.

So much for family hour.

The contestants were changing during the ad, and Tink makes fun of Gums for taking the longest. “He had to put on his makeup!” HARDYHARHAR. That would be hilarious if you didn’t look like you just stepped out of a Mary Kay convertible.

Now for some results. Let’s start with Little! She stands, breathing heavily and giving attitude while Tink repeats Skara’s comments. Tink says he can tell she wants it really badly. She has to walk to the far side of the stage. Tink tells us she’s courageous and has three kids and she’s OUT! Wow. That was quick. It seems a bit harsh, but at least she didn’t have to sit onstage during the Fetus performance. She sings “I’m Every Woman” again.She doesn’t hit all the notes, but she gives it more than she gave it last night and it’s a lot better. I feel for her, but I feel worse for her dad, who’s not taking it well.

I’m Every Pissed Off Stage Dad and Someone’s Gonna Pay

Paula says it was classy to go out at the top of her game, and Randy says it’s just the beginning of rejection and heartache. Welcome to Hollywood, suga! Simon says that he’s a fan and he’s gonna miss her family screaming at them every week. LOLOLLL. Couple questions. When did Tink learn to make this face? And when is Krispy’s mustache gonna not look like pudding smeared on his upper lip?

And now for a medley of disco hits starring Freda Payne! In case you’re wondering who Freda Payne is, she’s not just an old lady in a see through dress with bouncy boobs who sings off rhythm, trips over herself and pulls the mic away from her face (like Little!) when she can’t finish a sentence from being out of breath.

Not that those qualities aren’t worth a screen grab.

She’s also the chick who sang “Band of Gold”. This is more Motown than disco, but she recorded it after ditching Motown, so she couldn’t be on with Berry and Smokey and she wouldn’t leave the AI stage door.

Now that’s how to air hump!

Freda is out of breath and mumbly at first, but once she gets into it she starts sexing it up and doing that “ride em cowboy” dance move while jiggling her underarms at us. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a total boner right now.

How many couples turned this off and had sex after? Raise your hands.

OK Freda is getting too comfortable. She’s jiggling and air humping herself near to death. She’s so out of breath, but she doesn’t care. Toward the end, she crouches down and starts pumping up and down. LOL. Man just give her the win and let’s all start Summer early. When she’s done, she announces Thelma Houston with “Don’t Leave Me This Way”. Thelma is more tweety bird than Sharon Stone, but that doesn’t stop her from humping us all, too.

She sings directly at Simon about filling her need, and it’s hilarious. Sex sells, people. Thelma comes off a lot better than Freda, but it’s because she’s not afraid to take a break when she’s not singing.

Girl, I’m tired. Wake me up after eight measures.

And now, it’s KC of KC and the Sunshine Band! WOW. KC grew up to look just like Paul Reiser’s friend on “Mad About You”. But worse.

KC annunciates like Marlon Brando. Marlon Brando in his later years, not in his hawt years. He surrounds himself with skinny young hos, which he probably thinks makes him look younger.

Ho Patro

Poor guy looks terrified and confused through the whole song. This medley was just downright disturbing. It was like something Nigel would have put together, back in the day. Did that sound like I didn’t like it? Cuz I did. I liked it a lot. I just wish that they all could have come out together and sung, I dunno, “Moon Over Miami” or something.

I haven’t maintained a boner this long since high school.

More results, and it’s not looking to good for KC. Krispy’s safe! And hot. And really boring. Ham’s given some time to talk deeply about how deeply moving his deep performance was. Simon listens to this and is all…

I think I left the air conditioner on at home. Suck it, Earth!

Church Lady is next. Some of you have a problem with my hatred of this tool and want me to explain why it boils inside of me. I would go on and on about it, but I get to do that every week. So I’ll just answer with a screen shot.

Tink repeats the slams that Simon hurled at Church Lady last night and says that “the bloggers” felt he was being harsh. Teehee. Bloggers are wussies. How does Gokey feel about being slammed like that? He says that he meditated on it last night and still doesn’t know what Simon meant when he called him clumsy, although a bush did start itself on fire and talk to him for an hour. Tink asks Simon about it, and Simon says Tink knows all about being clumsy. “It’s my entire career!” No one argues with that one. Tink presses Simon for a real answer, and Simon tells him to stop being facetious and go on with the show. Oooooooh. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Church Lady’s safe. Booooo!

UhNope’s next, and the audience Moooooos him. I find that to be very rude. Poor UhNope has probably developed an eating disorder over all this. Was he happy with his performance? Yes! Sorry, but America thought you sucked butt. You’re in the bottom! Chola’s joining him. WTF? She was better than Gums. Whatevs. Chola meets Anoop at the stools and does a little bottom two ho down. And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The return of The Fetus! He’s singing a song called “Touched By Hand”. Yikes. Well, molesters need an anthem too, I guess.

Reach out as far as you can…as long as it’s a hundred yards from a school.

You know what’s weird? I remember Fetus being all tiny and wet and slimy from coming out of the womb. I remember him gasping for air inappropriately cuz his lungs hadn’t developed yet. And I remember his abusive ghetto ass stage dad showing up in t-shirts and baseball caps. But I also remember him being able to sing. Like really well. You wouldn’t know it today. Damn, boy. He can’t hit any of the notes in his lower register, and worse, the style they came up with for him is a R&B/pop hybrid. One thing Fetus never even pretended to be is R&B. He should have just come out with an album of Wiggles covers. He would have outsold Kelly.

I think this song is called “Touch My Hands”. Sorry, molesters. I got your hopes up for nothing. As the song goes on (and on and on), Fetus drops the R&B and rocks out, and it’s hilarious. The video playing behind him looks like black and white footage of young girls screaming when the Beatles came to town. Yoko’s gonna be up his ass by the end of the show with contracts and shit. He smiles ear to ear the whole time. What a cutie. I feel bad about making fun of him, but then he starts jumping up and down like he’s singing metal. LOL. How can you not like the Fetus? OK now stop singing. Please. Just stop. Finally, it’s done and he breathes as deeply and asthmatically as possible. How has no one thought to give him an inhaler?

Tink takes him to the loser stools to talk to Chola and UhNope for advice. Fetus says that this show has given them the world and just because it might be over doesn’t mean it’s really over. Look at Pickler! She’s rich and famous and she can’t even sing happy birthday. Chola’s like AWWWW! and then she pulls out a boobie to feed the little lad.

The Fetus as a cheesy teenager looking for a PC.

UhNope’s out!! AWWWW! I was looking forward to seeing just how gay his sweaters could get. Anoop sings again, and he sounds pretty, until he cracks on his last note again. What’s wrong with that note? It’s not even high. Tink calls him out on looking numb, and Nope says that’s called charisma. I don’t know where they put Little. She and her mother were probably banned from the building by minute 22. Oh wait there she is! She and UhNope are both very graceful about getting the boot. Yawn. When is the surprise elimination? We have at least one every year. Fingers crossed crossed for a Church Lady heave ho next week! xo