American Idol: Scream It Like You Mean It

Hi Gasmi, Waffleboy here filling in for Flipit who is taking a much deserved vacation south of the border, that hopefully is featuring plenty of beach time, good food, fun, and maybe a telenovela recap or two. Anyway, you’re stuck with me for this recap, and if you keep making that face, it’s going to stay that way.

Seeing as It’s Rolling Stones night, that a pretty cool segue into last night’s episode, huh? Also it’s fun to notice just how much Mick Jaeger is looking like Ruth Gordon as he gets older.

Anyway, enough segueing, let’s make the jump and find out just what the hell happened on American Idol last night.Our episode starts with Tink walking down through a line of the Idol Contestants which totally doesn’t make him look short. Also, should I mention since the Oscars that I’ve been using Tink as a unit of measurement? For instances, 1 ½ Tinks = 1 Kathryn Bigalow in heels.

Tink then walks down the staircase and starts flapping his gums about the Rolling Stones. Been around forever, and their last tour was the greatest in human history according to the makers of Polydent. Meanwhile, it looks like Michael Buble won’t get a royalty check this week, the horror, the horror.

Hey, let’s bring out those judges and get our fashion lowdown. Randy is wearing a sweater. Ellen is decked out in a vest and shirt. Skara is wearing a dress that makes her the pretty girl. Although Ellen is dressed like an eight-year-old-boy on picture day, so as long as Skara didn’t roll herself in honey and nuts, this one was a lock from the get go. (By the way, is anyone else craving a granola bar right about now?)

Oh, and Skara has given up on the bangs from last week, so she is flashing a Quentin Tarantino amount of forehead tonight at America. Hmm, looks like somebody wants to direct. Simon rounds things out with a sweater and a moob V-neck teeshirt. Personally I feel as long as none of them are naked, America wins. Yay! U-S-A! U-S-A!

They’ve got 12 people to get through tonight, so we get right to it, and they cart out Green Mile. We go almost immediately into his pity video. We’re still doing those? Boy howdy. Green Mile’s mom died and he has a baby. Not that those two things are related, except that they both happened to Green Mile. Oh, and he loves to sing. With our heartstrings tugged on, Green Mile starts making with the music.

Green Mile is singing Miss You, and right from the get go he’s got his boogie shoes on. This isn’t a huge shocker, because last week he shook what momma gave give while singing about a woman having a miscarriage.

Okay, now it’s time to get judges’ feedback. Randy starts it off with a few yo’s and says he wasn’t sure Green Mile was going to pull it off when he started, which is a diplomatic way of Randy saying he thought the beginning was a mess, but he thought Green Mile pulled it off. Green Mile is also huge (1 Green Mile = 2 ¼ Tinks), so I don’t see Randy telling Green Mile he sucks, unless Green Mile actually brings a donkey out on the stage one night.

It’s Ellen’s turn, but I can see her ear through her hairstyle, and dammmmmmmmmn, the thing is huge, so I really don’t listen to her. Sorry I’m also easily fascinated by string and shiny objects. Anyway, I think she thought it was okay.

Now we come to Skara, and of course she wants to talk about last week, when Green Mile made her pretend cry because his song touched her and her cobwebbed strewn babymaker. She didn’t think this week was as good as that, but it was still pretty good. Only she spends a minute rattling on instead of just giving us that one sentence.

Simon didn’t have a problem with the singing, some people are bigger fans of long distance peeing then I am I guess. Simon does say something about Green Mile’s dancing being kind of corny and a tiny bit desperate.

Oh man, he didn’t go there, did he? Well Simon did, and for Tink, it’s officially go time. Tink comes down off the stage and gets right up in Simon’s face. It’s supposed to be very macho, but if Simon had pinched Tink’s nipples, we would have ended up watching the next 110 minutes of tonight’s show on the Logo Network. Nothing really gets settled, and we cut to commercial because those Fords ain’t going to sell themselves you know.

We come back from commercial, and did you buy a Focus? You should it will record your CD’s which is always my primary transportation concern. If I was running Ford our commercials would be; “Ford, our accelerators don’t stick, so you’ll never be in the Christine car on the interstate.” I’m just saying, I bet that gets people’s attention.

We go to DoDo hanging out with Tink and find out DoDo’s mom doesn’t come to her performances. You see Momma DoDo gets nervous, and then DoDo gets nervous, and then somebody gets cut. Only not really, but you have to admit that last part got your attention, also did it make you want to buy a Focus? Because those babies are stacking up back at the factory.

Anyway, DoDo is singing Playing with Fire, and she sounds fine, but it’s kind of weird to hear a girl sing a song where a bad boy is telling a girl she’s, well playing with fire. Let’s go to the judges. Randy likes it, although it only gets one yo. As for Ellen, I’m still fixated on her ear. It’s like Dumbo. Were they always that big? Is the other one that big? I need to check the other side of her head. I’m guessing Ellen liked it, but seriously, I can’t say for sure.

Skara likes it, and spends a bunch of time talking with her hands. I’d like to talk with Skara and use my hands, well really just make one gesture, but I think it would get my point across. Simon likes it and we go to commercial.

When we come back, we go to Pretty’s video where his mom tells us she thought he was brain damaged as a child. By the way, if you ever auditioned for Idol, and didn’t make it, the silver lining for you is your mom never got to talk about you on national TV. Don’t you feel better? Now give me my pizza and hot wings and get the hell out.

Pretty is doing I Used to Love Her, and he’s playing the guitar, sort of. He keeps taking his left hand off the frets while he’s strumming and music keeps coming out. Look I’ll be the first to admit I know squat-o about playing the guitar, but I always assumed you had to press down on the frets with one hand while you strummed with the other to make actual notes. If I’m wrong here, somebody please call me on it, because this just looks really odd to me.

We go to the judges and Randy LOVED it! He thinks it shows that Pretty can have a career like Kenny Wayne Sheppard and Johnny Lang, because they play the guitar too. Well from what I’ve seen, Pretty is twice as good because he can play with one hand.

Ellen liked it and makes a lesbian joke that the other judges think is high-sterical. Me, not so much, but it distracts me from her ear, so I’m truly grateful.

Skara’s turn, and she tells Pretty that he listened to her advice from the the last couple of weeks and now he’s a supa stah! Persoanlly I think she found some of Paula’s old happy pills in the crack of her seat.

It’s then up to Simon to rain on the pretty parade. Simon tells pretty the song was just fine, but he wants “do something amazing up on that stage.” Pretty promises Simon he will, and we cut to commercial.

What does it say about me that I have less trouble with talking pandas in a Panda Express commercial then with them craving shrimp? Yeah, I know, not good.

And, we’re back. We go to Lacy singing Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, and she sounds fine, and she’s got a string quartet which is always classy, but she does this weird thing with the words at the end of the chorus, where she strings them all together into one word, “stillI’mgoingtomissyou.” The first time she does it, I think she somehow got behind on the song and was hurrying up, but then she does it again and we know it’s on purpose.

We go to the judges and Randy says he was pleasantly surprised she didn’t bone it. Just throwing this out, but I was pleasantly surprised Randy didn’t spit his pants getting into his chair tonight.

Ellen stutters, makes a grand canyon joke, tells Lacy she made Ellen sleepy, but that Ellen is still a fan. The best part about this part is watching the look on Skara’s face when Ellen takes more then 10 seconds to make her point.

We go over to Skara, and she is still making a poop face and says she’s got to agree with “the guys.” Okay, I think that “you guys” is the yankee version of y’all and there is nothing the matter with saying that, but when you saying that about two people and only one of them has a penis; you’re drifting into the insult zone.

We finish up with Simon, and he tells Lacy she thinks too much, and he wants her to think a lot less in the future. She especially shouldn’t think when the PA’s bring her legal documents to sign; that would be bad.

Some more commercials and we come back to MexiGokey and his video. He tells us his dad was a musician back in the day, and we cut to Daddy MexiGokey telling us he always thought MexiGokey was going to be a custodian, because he liked keys as a kid. Hey Daddy MexiGokey, don’t give up on that dream, it might happen in a couple of weeks.

MexiGokey comes out and sings Gimme Shelter, and I give him credit for being the first person of the night to try to sing one of the Stone’s big hits. That being said, his voice isn’t really big enough for this song. Also he kind of does this weird thing where he carries the mike stand around the stage with him as he sings; it’s kind of distracting. Finally MexiGokey gets to the end of the song and just screams. Lets go to the judges.

Randy loves MexiGokey, loves The Stones, loves the song, but doesn’t love what he just heard. He says it’s pitchy, and this time he’s actually right.

Ellen comes right in behind Randy and saws him off at the knees. She tells MG she thinks that was his best effort yet. Way to stay on message Degeneres.

Skara goes completely off the deep end by telling us this song was “written in the Viet Nam” (bitch please, it was a war, not a hotel), and he should have done something that made him seem like the war. I don’t know what the hell she is talking about here, it almost sounds like she wished MexiGokey had come out on the stage in a tank, which would be awesome, but not in the way Skara is thinking about.

Somebody in the producers booth is thinking, because they are showing Simon in the shot with her talking and you can tell he thinks she’s hopped that last train to crazy town just by the look on his face.

It gets even better, because Simon calls Skara on this double helping of balloon juice, and it makes me actually like him. Now let’s never speak of this again.

We come back from another set of commercials and Katie got the one girl song The Stones wrote, Wild Horses. She sounds good, and I can’t help noticing she has a deeper voice then MexiGokey. Also she does this weird thing where she does a half squat when she is going to really belt it out, but aside from that good job for Katie.

Randy thought it got off to a rocky start, and it did. Katie totally spit on the first three rows in that first verse, but she got it under control. Ellen thought it was great, but you’ve got to really screw the pooch for Ellen even to say a song was just okay.

Skara said…sorry, I’ve stopped paying attention to her, she’s dead to me. Besides it’s a lot more fun to watch the poo faces Simon makes over her shoulders while she’s talking.

Simon liked Katie, and really liked the song, mainly because he just happened to use it when he recorded Susan Boyle. So as long as Katie can keep giving Simon X-Factor tie-ins she should expect lots of good things.

After more commercials, we come back to Tim Urban. Tim slid in under the wire last week, and has decided to really test the love of all those Tweeners who voted for him with his song this week.

Tim is singing Under My Thumb, oh and did I mention he’s doing a reggae version. Oh man, this wrong on so many levels. First of all we’ve got a guy who is thisssssssss close to sporting Justin Bieber hair singing a song about a guy showing off his pimp hand. Add to that the reggae groove, and well lets just say I never thought it would be possible to offend Stones fans and Bob Marley fans with the exact same song, but Timmy does it without breaking a sweat.

We go to the judges. Randy tries to be as kind as he can, but tells Tim-Tim it sucked-sucked. Ellen even tells him it was bad, which tells you just how low we’ve sunk.

Of course this is right when Skara makes a super duper desperate bid for attention by saying she thought it was original. I’m calling shenanigans here, because original is only a good thing if what you are doing is actually good. Sadly, Simon backs me up here and tells Timmy he was screwed as soon as he decided to do the song this way.

After more commercials, we cut back to Sio, who is singing Paint It Black. She starts out on the stairs pretty reserved and wearing a cute dress with little black boots. She picks up the pace as the song goes along. Hits some big notes and just screams for the last ten seconds of the song.

The judges go apeshit. Randy, loves it. Ellen loves it. What did Skara say? Let me check my notes. I’ve got “Skara is an a**hole.” I’m going to guess and say she liked it too. Simon likes it and says some stuff about Sio developing as an artist while Skara sticks her face in his screen and makes like a bobblehead.

After the performance of the night, we come back to Lee who is doing an acoustic version of Beast of Burden. Meh, if you like Dave Matthews you’ll probably like this.

Well Randy likes it, specifically because it sounds like Dave Mathews. Ellen thought it was great, but not great. I don’t get a chance to try to figure out this double speak because Skara tells Lee she likes how he is growing on the stage. Did she just call him fat? Who the hell cares. Simon finishes things off by calling Lee a pussy for not taking a chance on his song selection. Lee tells Simon his first choice was to wear a cute little black dress, with stocking and little boots, and scream his head off, but some biach beat him to that idea. Simon is unimpressed and we cut to more commercials.

We come back, and after sucking so bad last week Paige is playing the pity card something fierce. We find out in her video that her dad got paralyzed and died. That beats the hell out of being too shy to sing as a kid in my book.

Paige is singing Honky Tonk Woman, and is really the only person on here tonight who can really belt out one of these songs.

Randy liked it, thought it was going to be a mess, but thought she pulled it off. Naturally, Ellen really liked it, and thought Paige did extra good because she was having trouble with her voice. Skara pretty much repeats what Ellen says, and Simon thought it was great to hear Paige show off that big voice of hers, but is still waiting for her to do something different. By the way, look for lots and lots of screaming next week, just a hunch.

We’re in the home stretch and they cart out Little Chicken to sing Angie. He sounds all right, but they spiked up his hair for tonight, and he looks like he’s about two weeks from rocking the faux-hawk.

Randy liked it and thought he kind of almost sounded like Justin Timberlake every once in awhile in it. Ellen accuses Little Chicken of stealing her hairstyle, and well for what it’s worth, Little Chicken has some big ears too. Skara liked it too. She yammered on twice as long as anyone else, but we’re just going to ignore her. Simon thought Little Chicken was going to be completely screwed this week, but thought LC found the one song that wasn’t bigger then his voice.

One last set of commercials and we come back to the last bit. OrganiJoplin sings You Can’t Always Get What You Need. You know it’s something to see someone who has spent years playing an acoustic guitar standing in front of subway cars finally get on the big stage…and stand up with an acoustic guitar and do pretty much the same sort of song played the same sort of way. Well if the Tweeners flood the votes again, she’ll be in the groove when she makes her triumphant return to Track# 9.

Randy loved her and loved the song, but didn’t think it was her best work. Ellen liked OrganiJoplin’s personality. Did she just call her fat? Skara talks with her hands, closes her eyes a lot, and she liked her too. Simon wants to know what the hell OrganiJoplin is thinking about on stage, and felt she should have screamed. OrganiJoplin gets a little snippy and Tink rattles off the phone number and we are donzo.

So What do you guys think? Who stood out? I mean aside from Timmy. Who should ne going home, and who is actually going to get the hook? HappyHouseWife is going to recap the results show, and Flipit will be back next week with hopefully a completely inappropriate sun burn.

Thanks for stopping by.