American Idol: Soul Man

Tonight on American Idol, white people use Soul as a rest stop.

When we open, Tink is standing at the end of the hall of future broken dreams. DoDo is praying, and Lee’s all LOL at praying in that ho dress.

Are you guys getting this?

At the end of Dead Dreams Hall are the four judges, who are acting like they’re making out. Ew. Then they really kiss. Even ew-er. Skara and Randy hold theirs for a little too long. I think this was supposed to be funny, but the audience is silent and in pain from their uteruses and ball sacs shriveling up and dying. The poor contestants, still in those two lines, vomit all over each other in unison.

Key party gone horribly horribly wrong.

When Tink comes out onto the stage, the audience is screaming in horror and mourning their uteruses and ball sacs. Who knew this show would turn out to be all about population control? They. Have lost all capability to reproduce. And this. Is AMERICAN IDOL!

The judges are announced and they come out with their usual partners. Simon looks like it’s Idol Gives Back week and he’s about to feed a village of starving African children with his swelling moobs.

Thanks for the offer, but do you have any mosquito netting left? I’ll just eat that.

At the site of Tink, this little girl pees on the floor.

That’s the bitch that steals my teeth for quarters!

It’s a huge night! Even Bruce Villanche is here!

Tink asks the audience who their favorite contestants are and he can only hear “Gayken” and “Simon”. LOL. Fantasia’s at home right now totally stewing and trying to decide whether or not to crank call Gayken. Tink looks like he had a little too much punch at the key party.

No one wandz ma keeeyz? VINE! I’ll pigmy owngeys.

Let’s say hi to the Top 10! They line up and Tink walks behind them. Poor guy should never, ever do that.

Simon’s already so bored he’s throwing lit cigarettes into Helmut Lame’s hair.

The theme tonight is soul/R&B, so it’s only natural that the judges would choose TV’s beloved little person, Webster!

Wait. Tink insists that that’s Usher. Not buying it. He’s so…little. Were his parents killed in a car crash that left him open for adoption by a white couple? Did he accidentally burn down his family’s apartment as a child? Is his uncle Ben Vereen? Too lazy to google Ush, but I will bet my bottom dollar that the answers to the above questions are all yes. We get a bio video, and Ush has sold 45 million albums! Who knew a guy with a song that just goes “Yeah” the whole time was capable of so much? Usher’s new album is called “Raymond/Raymond”. It’s like Victor/Victoria without the drag element so now it’s just about a guy pretending to be a guy pretending to be a guy. Kinda takes the wind out of those sails, but I’m no professional.

You know right off the bat Ush is full of himself cuz he’s wearing sunglasses inside. Not even blind guy did that, and he had a doctor’s note. He tells us that he’s gonna be brutally honest with the contestants. Riiiiight. The only one who can’t kick his ass is Katie. He’ll be nice, and he’ll be short. At least one of my predictions will come true or I’ll eat crow. Sio is the only one who’s visibly starstruck, but she’s also the only one wacky enough to get all the seasons of Webster on DVD, so I’m not sure which person she’s actually impressed with. Besides, she says in TV Guide this week that she is a Hanson groupie and they bring her to tears, so her opinion doesn’t really count that much. Webster shakes her hand and tells her he’s sorry her show got cancelled.

Sad horns.

Don’t worry! She’ll whip off those glasses and turn into Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease in no time! We know that cuz she does it every single week. Cue scream.

You better shape up, m’kay?

Why look! Usher’s in the audience! Tink makes fun of his sunglasses inside. Usher laughs, puts on a hat, spits on the sidewalk, and then props his feet up on the coffee table.

Let me guess. You take home the half drunk bottle of wine you bring to dinner parties.

Tink asks if Ush taught Little Chicken to dance, and Ush says you can’t learn his moves in one setting. Or sitting. Hey, he didn’t win five Grammys in the grammar category. I know it’s tough to design men’s clothes cuz they don’t really change all that much, but whoever designed that jacket sure tried. A fade die and a giant wacky collar? Progress! For people who always want to look like they’re turning around to look behind them. Oh and the name of the album is Raymond VS Raymond. It’s about Ush’s dichotomy. LOL. Super deep Ush. These songs will be on the album “Yeah” and “Nah”. Sio is first!

She says that if someone told her when she was six that she’d been singing for Usher she’d call em crazy! Usher was around when she was six?!? He looks like he just got out of daycare. I need a new moisturizer. She’s singing “Through the Fire”, and she plans on making it real at the end by screaming like she is, in fact, in a fire.

Her head is so clear that birds keep crashing into it.

Sio can already sing her ass off and make ridiculous faces at the camera, so Usher’s advice is all about her wardrobe. Tip one: singing about fire doesn’t mean you have to come in looking like a burn victim.

I just wanna put aloe on those poor legs.

Sio blathers on extremely slowly about her wacky fashion. Thanks for coming by, Ush! You’ve really brought some RELEVANCE to the season. When asked what unique ability Sio brings to this here singing competition, Usher answers that well, she can actually sing. Snapple: Every Other Contestant Flavor.

Sio comes out wearing space boots and a ripped up tennis skirt. Tennis players aren’t safe in space. Thanks for the tip.

This is a Chaka Khan song. I saw Chaka open for Adele this Summer, and she was super cute and out of breath. Sio is going more the Karen Carpenter route tonight, giving the song her full deep slow warble. When she starts her shout belt, she gets a little whiny and off key. I don’t think I’ve ever written that about her, but she’s all over the place. She does whip out her scream belt in the third quarter of the song, which is kinda different, being that it’s not her last note. Wait. Spoke too soon. At the end she screech yells again and then warbles off the rails. Ouch. Not her best. Who picked that song? It might be time to start hanging out with people her own age.

These girls remember “Through the Fire” like it was yesterday and Chaka could breathe.

Randy’s like uh……well……um……love your courageousness but that blew. Her boots look like leg braces and she’s got some kind of sling around her shoulder. Poor thing.

But I have Polio!

Ellen stammers out something about being lost on a hike, which happens to mash together two of my favorite sayings: “Get lost” and “Take a hike”. The audience titters a bit, just in case Ellen’s trying to be funny. Ellen says that she still loves Sio but that blew. Skara only liked the screamy parts but she gets a week off from being one of the only contestants who delivered. Simon says she sounded like she was singing while she was running. The audience boos him and he gets all pissed, so he adds that Sio’s momma dresses her funny, too, it was her weakest yet, and he’s sick of her end screech.

Tink goads Sio into standing up for herself, so she says it was her hardest song choice by far and even if she didn’t kill it…Simon interrupts by shouting “you did kill it.” LOL asshole. He says that he’ll call it manslaughter. Bwahahah. Damn he’s horrible. Ellen thinks it was a perfect song choice and shouldn’t be looked at as challenging, she just blew it. Also she’s heard the high screech so it wasn’t impressive the 500th time around. Adam Hambert has screeched out 80 percent of his notes since he was born and he’s screeching all the way to bank. Sio barely keeps from sobbing all the way to commercial. Poor thing!!

I’m gonna blow so much glass tonight the Crystal Cathedral will look like a crack pipe.

Her first taste of Judges Turn Ugly On Your Ass. Now you know how Haley Hornado felt every single week. Well, except you probably don’t know what it’s like to feel the constant wind on your vagina like she did, but still.

Just not very coherently.

When we come back from break, Sio goes back to the greenroom. The rest of the cast is gathered around a TV, muttering “you weren’t that bad.” Thanks, guys. Real picker uppers.

Yo, gimp, you’re blockin the tube!

She cries in the corner of the crafts services table and Green Mile comes up and hugs her from behind in a chokehold. He’s gotta stop doing that. Someone’s gonna accidentally shoot his ass one day. Casey Prettiness is up next. Usher thinks “Hold On I’m Comin” is the perfect song choice for Prettiness. I agree. He’s managed to sound like the same fifty year old cover band cracker that he’s sounded like every week even on soul night. Usher compliments his tool and has nothing else to say. Glad you could make it to the show, buddy.

Same arrangement as the original. At least it’s not Huey Lewis. His voice sounds the best it’s sounded so far, and he can definitely sing his ass off. I just hope he finds some creativity at some point. He can out sing MexiGokey and Lee combined, but it’s the same stale brick every week. He sho is perty though.

I thought it was his best yet, but I don’t know if someone from his friends and family agrees.

I could do betta.

Randy says it was a hot night for him and he loved the range baby. Ellen thought it was generic. Holler! Who knew Ellen was gonna have balls? Skara would like to see more range and penis shots and actual singing. Simon says it was his strongest week cuz it showed a different side of him. Contrarian. Tink jokes that when Skara says she wants to see everything she means vocally. Skara gets offended and says “are you kidding?” Tink says yes, and she laughs way too late. The audience is all “aaaawkward!”. Yeah Skara, that sexual harassment was totally inappropriate. Now go back to sucking Simon’s cock so we can all take you seriously again.

Prettiness doesn’t go back to the greenroom so he doesn’t have to peel Sio off the floor. He’s all coked out telling us how excited he was with that performance. Green Mile is singing “Ready for Love” by India Arie! SWEET! First song choice of his, or anyone this season’s, that I’ve been legitimately curious about. Well that’s not true. I was curious about Katie singing Fergie, too. That just blew up in my face. Green Mile can sing and he’s five times bigger than Usher, so Usher just pats him on the back and tells him his only advice is to not just look at the camera. Look through it. Like this:

OMG Usher can totally see me right now! In that case, let me take this time to tell you that I now understand why you wear giant sunglasses. You look creepy and no one has a rectangular hairline. Now either put the glasses on or take a really long nap.

Thanks for that advice, Usher. This is three contestants and three complete wastes of mentoring. I love consistency! Green Mile says a big part of his “game” is connecting with the audience. We never felt like whores until right now, Green Mile. It’s all an act? NO! Next you’re gonna tell me you have an adorable baby that needs you to win so you can put it through college. What? You DO have a baby?? I don’t even care what you’re singing! Get me the phooooone! He adds that the guitar is his bread and butter. Poor guitar is shaking in its boots right now cuz he could very well mean that literally and just eat it when he’s done with his song. That guy looks like he could metabolize old cars.

Green Mile sits on a stool behind the judges, facing away from them. Love it. They don’t bother turning around and continue on with their Scrabble game. Green Mile is the best male singer on this show, and that doesn’t change tonight. He wails it perfectly. India Arie is really big on writing songs that don’t rhyme or follow song structure, and he’s chosen one of those tonight unfortunately. Song choice isn’t his strong suit, but he can sang. He cracks a little on his last big note, but that doesn’t stop him from licking his lips all sexually and showing off the bats in his cave.

He’s a super talented guy. I just can’t love him cuz he already seems to love himself so much. I like insecure people. They do more of what I ask. Randy says he was in the boring zone. Ellen didn’t like being sung to behind her back, but the song was beautiful. Skara says she’d never heard that song before he chose it and he did a great job. “Tasteful and lovely”. Just like a real pop star (?). Simon says it was Green Mile’s best and he was believable. In the totally impromptu sports interview cam, Green Mile says that he was so in the moment and he’s glad Usher approves of him. Tink says that when Green Mile gets good feedback he’s scared he’ll get crushed by a hug. He also worries about being sat on in bars or swatted at by fly swatters in diners, but that’s neither here nor there.

DoDo is next, and she’s singing “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” like the girl from the MacBook Air commercials. She sings it for Ush and then starts sobbing like a crazy person. She says the song means something to her. She doesn’t say what, but I’m assuming she got dumped. Can’t imagine why. She probably made this face too much.

Sure call me. My number is 777FILM.

Usher says that audiences respond to honesty and he applauds DoDo’s. Yes, but did you get her number? “Hayell no that bitch is bonk!” Usher tells her to save her breakdowns for the stage cuz offstage her feelings are meaningless. He says it way nicer than I did, though. DoDo tells us how moved she is by the song, and then she takes the stage dressed like Jessica Rabbit and sings mostly off key with a shit ton of mascara on.

What becomes of the heavy eyelidded?

She does that growlsing thing she does to a standard arrangement about how she wants someone to care. DoDo, no one wants to date an open wound who can’t sing on key. At the end she does a Sio Wannabe shriek and then the music stops and she yells at us and then does another Sio yelp. That blew a family of donkeys. Randy was like “yeah didn’t get it.” Ellen says it was dramatic and not in a good way. Skara says “it’s overdone, girl.” She says DoDo has lost herself. She only liked her when she sang a Skara song. Simon says it was like swimming in jelly. ? So old fashioned, so off melody, didn’t do it and she sounded like one of the shitty singers on Dancing With the Stars that murder songs. LOL. He really doesn’t want Paula doing that show.

DoDo says that the song means so much to her and it was a challenge for her to just get through it and she’s not an R&B singer and wah excuses wah. Tink presses her to answer the question and she says that song means a lot to her and he wants to know why. Tink knows why she sang it and won’t say it but she acts like she’s gonna cry anyway to get some pity votes. These kids learn quick. Not how to sing, but everything else. Dead friend or something. Just because you didn’t say the name doesn’t mean you didn’t bring it up. Guess what? Kris is still impressed about the Ford’s CD player.

The Ford has this stick thing. When you aim it at D, the car drives!! AMAAAAZING! This message has been brought to you by Not Adam Hambert.

I like this whole “let’s show whoever tanks in the greenroom” idea. DoDo goes back there and people hug her, but Sio’s still on the floor sobbing so she doesn’t get too much attention. Now let’s check in with Tim Helmut Lame Urban, who looks like a puppet that just got a fist shoved up its ass and brought to life.

Howdy Doody, mothatruckas!

Tink jokes that Tim gets so beat up by the judges that the papers are calling him “Teflon Tim.” Helmut says that he doesn’t care that he sucks cuz HE HAS FUUUUUN! Tink makes a Simon is old joke. Helmut’s singing Anita Baker. LOL. Usher’s like buzzzz NO. He wants Helmut to pretend that he’s in love with Ush so it will be believable. Tim says it was super hard to be gay even though he’s got that Abercrombie body obsession and that hair. Ush says he’s great. Well Ush tried to actually give some real advice that time and lost even more credibility at the same time. Not an easy feat.

Helmut sings the song with giant terrified eyes and a vibrato that sounds like a baby in the spin cycle. Man, he sucks more and more by the week.

If I saw this deer in my headlights I’d stop the car, get out, and shoot it. No need to mess up my car.

Some singers are cursed with a lack of originality, some with a lack of talent, some with a lack of stage presence. He’s missing all three. He’s so in the top two. At one of the belt notes, Simon actually holds onto his right temple for dear life.

Eighty billion dollars a year salary isn’t enough to listen to this tripe.

There’s a reason the Rat Pack never recorded Anita Baker, besides the fact that she was just a baby back then. Randy calls Tim a singing waiter and it was way too pedestrian but at least he sang mostly in tune. Then he sings with some flat ass vibrato to show him how to do it. He tells Tim to grease up, which is the best advice he’s been given this year. Ellen says that there’s an “adorable” drinking game and she’ll call him adorable so people can drink one last time. She will never call him adorable again cuz he sucked and he moved like a kid trying to sneak down the hall. LOL. I am loving watching her bitchiness mature. It’s the only arc this season.

Skara says he was bad and he laughs as she says that she doesn’t understand why he keeps sucking like this. Tim keeps laughing, and Simon says he’s laughing cuz it doesn’t matter what the judges say. It was like a mouse going up against an elephant but he’s got a tight ass and a washboard stomach and a stupid smile and will be here next week. Tim jokes with Tink that the judges even hate his smile now. Then he laughs more. God, I know it’s been a while since I prayed, but PLEASE. PLEASE smite Helmut Lame. Love, Flipit.

When we come back from break, Tim tells cameras that the judges were nicer than he thought they would be and then laughs his ass off. Being untalented is a freaking riot! WHAT A RIDE! MexiGokey is next, and he’s singing Chris Brown’s “Forever Straight Up.” Ush thinks Gokey is too nervous at first, but then he plays his wiener like a plastic recorder to relax him. MexiGokey gets more into it the second time. This time he’s doing his acoustic spin on a dancy song and the judges already have boners. He’s going for a new and unworn hawk. I hope this never catches on.

The FroHawk

His voice is light and airy and on key, and his version is very different. But when a voice piped out of a computer can sound more emotional, you’re in trouble. It’s better than he’s been the whole season. He’s giving them exactly what they’re asking for, but the original kicks this version’s ass. The song is about how he can dance and that’s hilarious after watching MexiGokey whip out the awkward ChurchLady dance last week. Is he in the same suit? Dude, they have a budget for clothes, right? When he’s done, he pulls out a picture of Rhianna and slaps it down. The crowd goes wild.

Randy says he’s back and his smelly suit is dope. Ellen says he finally did as well as he did with “that other song”, which might be because he did the same exact same thing he did with that other song. Skara says it was a giant leap in the right direction. Simon thinks it was miles better but as a person, MexiG comes over as super boring. True dat. He says he’s just trying to be helpful and recommends that MexiG find a personality. Someone starts yelling at Simon and it turns out to be MamaGokey. Tink makes fun of MomGokey for wearing zebra print and she marches up to the stage and says Simon’s full of it in Spanish. LOL. She should be in the competition. Her I’d vote for. You don’t need a personality kid, just hire your mom to be around you at all times.

Stop divertido hacer de mi hijo gilipollas. Podría ser aburrido y que podría ser como una lesbiana butch, pero si gana este espectáculo me nuevas extensiones para chuparme la polla!

MexiG tells the sports cam that he loves his mom cuz she’s supported him ever since….he doesn’t finish that sentence but he still doesn’t have a job which means his mom is the cutest sucka ever. Katie’s next! She tells Ush that she introduced herself at Epcot center but his bodyguard refused her a picture. LOL. What a touching story. He still makes her stand a few feet away.

Mmmm. Stay there.

She’s singing Aretha’s “Chain of Fools.” Aretha would suck the meat off her bones like a chicken wing if she could cut herself out of her apartment to get here right now. Ush tells Katie she needs to connect with the audience, cuz saying “singing Aretha when you can’t even sing Fergie is probably a bad idea, cracker” is just rude. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir has more blackness than Katie. She says “the magnitude that he put it in” will help her sing well.

The song is accompanied by like twenty sad horns, which is hilarious. The backup singers have some super volume on their mics. Katie is wearing leather looking pants with mom shorts over them. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

What, are you gonna do a cartwheel in the fifth grade?

Her voice sounds nice, considering. The song is so f ing slow, and her rhythm is questionable. Her whiteness? Not at all. I’ve never hear all the lyrics to this song so clearly, or slowly. She might just be bloated though.

Poor Katie. She’s a talented girl who tries real hard. And fails hilariously. This whole song was one giant Tim Urban slide. She starts going off toward the end of the song and sounds really good. She just has no soul or rhythm or personality. But those things aren’t necessary in Ford commercials so she might be ok.

Randy says it was one of the best vocals of the night. That’s so sad. Ellen compliments her Snookie half poof but says she needs to not sound like she’s performing in a retirement home. Skara says Katie totally belongs in R&B pop. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Simon says Randy is crazy for comparing her voice to Christina, but she came over calmer than usual. He adds that the song was too big for her and it was too Star Search and there’s no way she’s R&B. He asks “you’d listen to Skara or me?” Skara defensively snaps “I’ve sold a lot of records too!” Then the judges argue about what kind of personality Katie should attempt to force on us. She says that she will listen to herself, but like last week, no one claps.

Backstage, Green Mile hugs her real hard and shows us her granny panties.

Sio isn’t in any of these shots, so let’s just say she’s still on the floor pulling out her toenails one by one. Lee is next. Tink asks him how he’s gonna create a moment, and Lee says he’s gonna be genuine and show what kind of artist he wants to be. Hey, just don’t growl off key. He’s singing “Treat Her Like a Lady”. It’s got soul, and he’s got a soul patch. He’s doing a MexiGokey tonight and going acoustic with a big song. Ush’s advice is to feel it! Another stunning moment with Webster. I hope he got paid well for this.

There’s a thumping bass drum under the guitar, and he does kind of an Irish jig rock thing with it. It sounds really good. He’s growlshouting like usual, but he’s on key and he’s putting a fresh spin on dad rock. By the end he’s losing his voice, but seeing as how he just screamed for three minutes I don’t blame him. Tink pointed out that he had walking pneumonia, but it works for him. Randy loved it and says that it was the bomb. Ellen says it was the best of the night and his best so far. Skara says amazing, and Simon says he’s always believed in him and he should go home and watch the show and touch himself cuz this was the night his life changed forevah!!

Tink says Crystal’s big surprise of the night is that she’s in stilettos. Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise’s surprise is that they’re still in movies. Bounty Hunter anyone? Why do all these older stars have to run around so much in their movies? Overcompensation or something. You guys have had your time, it was fun. I just wanna Cameron in a movie where she’s taking a nap, k? She deserves one.

I’m exhausted.

And now for the only kind of shot that makes Tink look like a real human instead of a pixie dust spraying tooth stealer:

Crystal tells Ush that she’s gonna put down the guitar tonight, and he asks her to play piano instead. That was her plan all along! Why stand when you can sit? This bitch is smart. She hasn’t played piano in years cuz they don’t fit down subway stairs. He tells her if she can not suck at the piano then she’ll be great. How profound, Ush. Was that your dichotomy talking?

OrganiJoplin is singing “Midnight Train to Georgia”, and she starts it off slow and bluesy. For the chorus, she stands up! Any little physical moment is a feat for this one, and she’s doing great! Best white version of this song evah! I’ve been getting bored with this one, but she kicked ballz tonight. She even stole a Sio note and pulled it off. I could do without the tatt back and black bra hanging out of the church dress, but that’s just me.

Keep this up, and you can get famous and get a hot wife!

Randy loved it and says that he’s working with Gladys now and she would be proud. Organi jokes to tell Gladys hi. HA. Ellen says that it was great and she’s in it to win it. Skara says the risk paid off and she loves her. Simon says the song choice was awesome, the vocals were incredible but she should have ditched the backup singers and the piano and she shouldn’t let American Idol suck her personality out of her. She assures him that she won’t do anything she doesn’t want to unless she’s offered rolls of nickels. Then all bets are off.

The judges took a smoke break and then Simon put his smokey hand over Tink’s mouth. Simon smokes, eh? I think Sarah Michelle Gellar does too. Discuss. Next up is Little Chicken.

Thanks for the pic, soapboxx!

With Ush, he seems afraid to make eye contact. I wonder why.

Someone shorter than me. I shall be evil.

Chicken’s singing “Ain’t No Sunshine”, and Ush says it’s incredible but wants him to attack “I know” more. Look there! Some advice! Chicken’s wailing! He comes out in his hoodie thing and plaid and starts way shaky and off key. I keep waiting for him to warm up to it, but he never does. His “I know” was way better in rehearsal, and this is all shakesville. By the end it’s just cracky squealing. Meh. He sounded great with Ush. I don’t know what happened. Randy: aight. Ellen says she wishes she had that confidence when she was 11 and it was good. Skara liked it ok. She actually shrugs her shoulders three times as she says it. Simon says comparatively it was a cupcake and it’s been sung brilliantly on the show before but not tonight. He shouldn’t go home though. Tink tells Chicken that lots of people like cupcakes better than the main course. Thank God for you or you’d be out of a job, foo. Chicken coughs a little bit for pity. If I pity anyone, it’s my poor little Sio. I hope someone has pulled her off the floor and sent her back to her old lady friends for some cosmos and Mr. Big talks.

What did you guys think? I was pretty much bored again, but I think that’s just how it goes this season. Super glad they spread it out over two hours, though. I think Katie’s a goner, but I have my finger’s crossed for DoDo. At least Katie’s hilarious.