Tonight on American Idol: two people go home, Ham hams it up, and Brooke White is still terrible.
Aw crazy white lady. I know you’re hungry. We are too.
Tonight’s double cry event opens with the contestants all shouting “VEGAS, BABY!” And by shouting I mean muttering and looking depressed and tired. And extremely low boobed.
I’ll do some pushups if you will. No? Awesome. I want lunch.
Adam Hambert pops up onscreen with eighteen pounds of makeup to tell us how winning is all about believing in yourself and screaming louder than anyone else. Hey you guys, did you read what Other Simon said about having Ham on the show? He said he was glad to help Ham out cuz his career isn’t going very well right now! Snapple: Older Moobier Simonier Flavor. That was just nasty. I assumed Ham’s career was going fine! But I think being on the View is totally making it, so I guess I need to study up on the charts more. Other Simon seems to think it’s because of his overt gayness. I think it’s cuz he’s not all that pleasant to listen to. Some say caca, some say shit. At the end of the day just flush the toilet and don’t leave specks of stuff on the seat. Thank you.
A big graphic that says NO SECOND CHANCES pops up on the screen and then they show a picture of Katie. Well that was rude. And besides, if it weren’t for second chances we wouldn’t have any of the judges on the panel. Skara’s on like her fourth chance. We get the full on judges’ comments montage with Vaseline on the lens, but since Ham is already covered in so much Vaseline already he just looks like one big blur. Like it’s raining really hard and you’re just trying to see out the goddamn windshield.
Tinkerdrunk comes out SOBER. What the hell? I feel robbed! He says that thirty something million votes came in last night. LOL. There were twenty million viewers, and you know at least half of our old lazy asses don’t vote, so that leaves MexiGokey’s mom. She’s gonna have a crazy ass bill. Stop worrying and start saving up for decent hair extensions, MamaMexiGokey! John Stossel needs to delve deep into the Who The F Is Voting For American Idol mystery. These numbers can’t be right. I blame ACORN!
Tink tells us that we’ve got a lot to pack in in the next hour. They didn’t show it, but you know Ham tittered at that one.
I have nothing to say about this, I just love when I happen to freeze on a Tink Playdo face.
Brooke White and Justin Gastin are here. I had to Google them both. I’m looking forward to Brooke being all insecure and needy (you know she’s bonded with Skara in the greenroom), and when the image results come up on Justin Gastin I’m instantly positive that he’s got a tremendous amount of talent. Why else would he be here?
You have been crowned the winner of Season 9! Let’s hug.
Tink is in trouble today cuz he was all drunk last night. To keep himself safe, he annunciates every word HUUUGGGGEEELY.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen the world “also” spoken quite like that.
Randy has taken on a preppy look this year. I give the credit for that to Ellen. They look like they’re about to sit on a beach and read a book to each other with a bottle of two buck chuck and some crackers.
The weather today is astonishing, isn’t it my darling?
I’ve made you toast!
That is devine!
I love you more than I ever though possible, snookums.
Are you cold?
No, I have sleeves.
Ain’t it, though, my dawg?
Skara is also full clothed tonight, still on probation from her nude shoot this week. Everyone’s in trouble tonight. The Other Simon’s cast meeting was like “alright guys. Tink, Sober House is on line two. Fuck up again and Dunkelman will get to return the shitty jibe at you in front of millions of people. Randy, try to speak some English. Even the Spanish speakers are confused. Ellen, you too. And don’t make gay jokes. We love you whatever your sexual preference. We don’t want to have to picture vagina on vagina sex every time you feel randy. No, Randy. It’s an expression. Speaking of vaginas, Skara, keep your vagina in a wool skirt and wear tights or you’re on the fastest train to Oxygen we can arrange. Simon, stay rich and gorgeous. Dismissed. Oh wait. Who told Hambert to park in my space?”
Tink intros Simon as “Psycho” and then announces the best treat of my week: GROUP ELVIS MEDLEY!
Crystal OrganiJoplin will sing the elevator version of an Elvis song, but she’s not gonna do the mash potato with Sio and Katie.
It’s called LIMITS.
Look at Katie in that picture. She’s giving it her all, God bless her. She’s been released from some inner prison and now she’s totally free to…dance like that. Wow. Glad you found yourself. Sometimes it’s good to be shy.
The fact that Simon ever uses the diss “cruise shippy” and then turns around and forces the brats to do numbers like this is just not cool. And also amazing.
Guys, the shrimp cocktail for table eighty two is late. If you can’t sing and serve at the same time you’re going home. On a raft.
The lip syncing is brilliant as ever. Lee sounds so nice when he’s just singing and not growling. Aw! Tim Helmut Lame is still off key. MexiGokey is milking his last minutes for all they’re worth. He’s not picking his nose or making armpit farts, so well done. Lee looks completely lost.
I’m totally smiling right now.
Just when you thought they’d tortured poor Elvis’ memory enough with Teddy Bear, they whip out some “Return to Sender” action. There hasn’t been a more accurate title evah.
I’ll pay the postage.
For someone who wears giant Ugbetts glasses and blows glass and talks suuuuper. Sloow. Lyyyy., Sio sure knows how to sell the shit out of cheese.
And yes, Green Mile. We all think you’re very sexy.
Hey Sio. We’re gonna need a little more energy.
Sio goes to flirt with Simon and he looks super excited.
OrganiJoplin may not be willing to do the mashed potato, but gyrating her pelvis awkwardly and trying to snap at the same time? She’s in.
I have to say, in almost a decade of white Lawrence Welk Meemaw approved musical numbers, this has to rank up there with the white Lawrence Welk Meemaw approvediest of all time. Well, well, WELL done.
Take a bow. Or hit each other. ANYTHING. Just stop. Singing.
And now back to the biggest mystery of the season. Will Kris Allen ever not be impressed with his fuckmazing car?
There’s a hole on the side that you can put a gasoline hose in!
Today’s Ford commercial is about how Ford cars are biodegradable. I. Am so. Sure.
Nothing says “dependable” like a car that decomposes on your test drive.
Thank God for this addition to nature. We can go back to chopping down rain forests again.
Money doesn’t grow on trees, but ugly cars apparently do. This all just makes Green Mile belch really loudly.
No, Billy Joel! Watch out for that tree!
Nine less people would really help the environment. Jump.
Time for some results! Prettiness is first to stand. Then Little Chicken! Then MexiGokey! Prettiness has ironed hair tonight. Just so you know.
It’s called reporting.
Tink repeats all their bad comments and then asks MexiGokey how it feels knowing two people are leaving. MG answers that he’s a dad and could have been in a Mexican gang if his dad hadn’t found a decent job dad gang gang job. Tink’s like thanks but the votes are in already so save the sob story, Dramazalez.
Well glad you’re dressed up, cuz it’s time to bring class back to public transportation. GTFO!! NOW! Your bus is leaving!
His goodbye number reminds us that the judges have sold us a giant pile of poo this season.
Sorry, but having glasses isn’t enough. Lasik is covered under a lot of insurance plans these days.
Oh shit. He’s back on the couch all day.
I’m surprised how little I have to say about his ouster. I’ll sum it up in three words. Thank you Jesus. He’s super polite about it all and doesn’t cry. JERK! I want tears! Idol Gives Crack in the Back is next week, so let’s go with Elliott and Skara to Africa.
Nooooo! This dance isn’t reeeeelevaaaant!
I think this was the trip that Elliot got stuck at customs and didn’t have his medicine. Am I right? Anyway, if customs gave him crap, he kinda deserved it. He looks like he’s up to no good.
Woah. Watch the hand, buddy.
I’m going to name this baby Goal Weight.
Skara takes a tour of an orphanage and brings a super positive attitude with her.
Damn, girl. This place is depressing. You should, like, move or something.
To tide the kids over while their new cement American Idol box is built, Elliot gives them some cheap ass American Idol crayons to play with.
Hey! These don’t work!
Turns out Africans are litterbugs. If you can afford beers you can afford mosquito nets, Africa.
Y’all don’t need crayons. You need Niecy Nash from Clean House.
This segment is depressing, so let’s just leave it at Malaria sucks you guys.
So then, after that jerk broke up with me, I was all “I’m changing my life!” So I wrote a song about a hill. Do you know what a hill is? Are you listening to me? Don’t ignoooooore meeeeee! Alright that’s it. I’m getting naked.
To remind us how good we have it here at home, the camera pans two somber women in black bathing suits. It’s called freedom. Go America!
Synchronized swimming is hard. Let’s take a break and see if there are any seats over at Idol.
Brooke White and Justin Gastin are next. Brooke already looks needy.
Are you looking at me? Why aren’t you looking at me while I sing to you? Skaaaara!!! He’s not loooking at meeeee!
I’m not sure wtf is going on here, but this Gastin kid looks like he’s in a wig playing Billy Ray Cirus.
I told her I don’t care if you’re a tv star you’re gonna do chores missy!
He’s singing in this super low voice, and it seriously sounds like he’s kidding. They harmonize, and it’s not even close to being actual harmony. Brooke is a better singer than I remembered, and she’s behind a piano, which I appreciate. Uh oh. She’s getting up. Justin’s confused and off key, but it’s hard to blame him with this face coming at him.
Stop staring at my nostrils. I fell off my highchair when I was little. OMG you hate me now.
OK this song is super slow and adult diapery. Justin starts putting it all out there and it’s like his bad quiet voice but louder. What are these two doing? Who buys this music? Who’s Justin? Why is he on a stage? Is Brooke Having sex with him? Can they make Cocoon 2 or should they just do a remake cuz the original cast is dead? All these questions! Turns out Brooke just met Justin and they pulled this together at the last second. Wow you can’t tell at all you guys. Did a shitload of people cancel their appearances because the show’s falling in the ratings? Cuz it’s hard to believe that Brooke, Justin, and Ham were all on purpose the week after Skara had to find a last minute fill in last week too. This show is cursed.
More results! The whole bottom row goes to center stage. Lee uncomfortably talks about how comfortable he is. I don’t think Sio got much sleep last night. She was having nightmares cuz she knew she was gonna have to listen to a Brooke White song.
Tink goes down the line repeating the judges comments. Organi J’s safe, so she plays a tiny harmonica she won in a knife fight. Why? I don’t know. Sio’s safe! Tink tells Lee that Daughtry was eliminated when he sang the same song in his season, but Lee is safe. I thought he was kicked off when he sang When You Love a Woman or whatever. OK I can’t look up the song or the season you guys. I can’t even come up with an excuse why not. Just stop pressuring me.
Get one of those to Green Mile stat.
And now for Hambert’s performance! He’s singing “What Do You Want With Me”. He changes it up from the radio version and starts it by belting his first line all slowly in a green hologram of smoke. Methinks someone is still bitter he wasn’t cast as Elphaba in Wicked.
That needs some flying monkeys. Little Chicken, get up there.
Ham’s not doing so great with the softer notes, so he screams and shrieks. But slowly. He sounds like shit, but the hologram is awesome. It turns into a tunnel and swallows him. So much for not making gay sex references, Ham! He looks like a gerbil in a Richard Gere joke.
That’s gotta hurt.
Ham seems like the sweetest guy ever, and you gotta hand it to him. The guy really tries. He may be grasping for keys, but he’s got a killer light show, a memorable song, and musical references galore.
Cabaret, Hairspray, Wicked, Cats, and La Cage all in one shot.
He makes awesome faces. Sometimes he’s a rock star, and sometimes he’s skinny Delta from Designing Women.
His nasal squeal is really killing me, but I like this song! It’s all about begging someone to stay with you even though you’re basically a fuck up and aren’t gonna change. He does a little flaily dance. LOL. The end section is all belt wails and he nails them. At the end I’m cheering both cuz he’s awesome and cuz he’s terrible and I’m glad it’s over. I’ve never known what to make of him. Tink teases him about bringing his own lasers, and he laughs and credits AI for giving him everything. AW. How can you not like him? I’m sure you’ll tell me why in the comments.
Katie, Green Mile and Tim are the bottom three, and Tim is safe! Skara looks happy for him.
Katie’s out! Green Mile wasn’t even in the bottom three!! Wow. Go fig. Katie finally does a decent job and pays with her life. At least she’ll be free to go to prom with those guys who asked her cuz she might win American Id…oh wait never mind. Well I hope her grandma remembers her at least.
I hope you said yes to one of those guys. And made him sign something.
Sio and OrganiJop try to cry, but they can’t. Those two need to stop faking it. We get it. You’re good people with bad stylists and it’s ok.
Stop it don’t make me smile right now.
Katie doesn’t take it very well. She looks totally shocked, and then kinda cries through her song. Sio’s still trying really hard to cry, but Katie’s being too funny.
Katie is losing her shit. Poor girl. She’s out sucking Paige’s goodbye song and that’s enough of a feat to deserve a save. I wish her all the best…vocal lessons money can buy. Ouch. The song ends and she breaks down. AW!! POOR KATIE!! Montage of Katie and MexiGokey’s journey. It opens with them singing off key together. LOL. Smell ya later!
The glaring hatred that MamaMexiGokey had for wussy PapaMexiGokey was the highlight of my season. So cheers you two!