American Idol: The Return of Open Wound White

Tonight on American Idol, Uncle Phyllis goes back to teaching volleyball at an all girls school and the In and Out stays one Chola safer for at least another couple of weeks.

Sorry Gay Best Just Friends, you have been replaced by a Christmas Ham in an Elvira wig.

The producers are trying something new today with the opening. Now instead of just being in one single line like they’re on a firing range, the contestants are lined up next to each other making a little hallway for Tink. I have my fingers crossed that this is gonna turn into a rousing round of toss the dwarf, but nothing. Tink takes a moment at the end to stand next to the “hilarious” guy who looks like my ex Uncle Phyllis and asks America “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?” Don’t blame us. This bs is all on the judges. So far. I believe in America.

I also believe in whoever’s in charge of the TVPGDL sign.

The three singers who were moved on last week are sitting up on stage again. Even Tink’s yawning.

Tink jokes with Simon about being more brilliant than ever and Skara quips about stuff getting better with age.

Bet your ass, sister!

Touching background clips of how the contestants all got to this point. The dueling piano guy crying as he’s told by his doctor how much gum surgery costs, Welder Bear in a leather jock strap promising all the guys in the dungeon he’ll be back with better chicken than ever, Kai the Lie dying his hair and putting clothespins on his face to pull it back while his mom yells from the other room that she needs her feet massaged, the real red head shaving off her eyebrows so she can have the biggest forehead on tv ever, the fake redhead standing outside In and Out spraying her chola bangs and giving me murderous looks as I, terrified, wait in my car for twenty minutes for someone to come take my order, Misha running from the big bad wolf praying that someone will build a new house for her and her sisters, Hambert sitting backstage during “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat” with a pic of David Cook cut out of People and a fat chick behind him trying to style his Liza Minelli wig just right, …it’s all so touching.

Whoever is in charge of the onscreen logos is totally flirting with me tonight. The answer is yes!! I will marry you!

Are you guys all crying right now? Me too. GROUP NUMBER!! Tonight the song is Neo’s “Closer”. I would have preferred Kyra Sedgewick’s “The Closer” , but what can you do?

Thank yeeew!

Hambert and Piano Gum start. Hambert eye fucks the camera while Gums McGee plays with his crotch.

Welder Bear is trying his best not to break into his thumb dance while Lie snaps womanly and off rhythm and scrunches his face so hard a clothespin pops off the back of his head.

All the kids are wearin’ tie shirts these days.

Kris gets stuck with Uncle Phyllis, who looks confused and dismayed without his outfit on.

Keep it inside, Fanny Brice.

He also doesn’t know any of his lyrics. The girls come in for a little backup singing and then everyone wanders the stage in different stages of snaps and stomps. Uncle Phyllis feels a little left out so he gets right in the camera and tries a JHud riff.

The onscreen signage guy was busy I guess so I’ll help him out on this one.

Lech!

Tink says not to FF because during the commercials there is a hidden unseen audition we don’t wanna miss. HMmmmm. I love a mystery! Especially if said auditioner gets to come back for wild card.

Sorry we’ve got enough bears to fill Yellowstone.

Sorry, too talented and you don’t cry enough.





WINNER! Make Skara cry!

Clips of last night and everyone sucking again and now results. Tink asks Uncle Phyllis what he’ll do if he’s kicked off and Phyl says he’ll be looking for employment like always. Who wouldn’t want you in a board meeting after this? Does Welder Bear think the judges were too hard on him? No, because they’re all new and they could all use advice. Except for the three that didn’t suck. Does he regret talking back to Simon? He answers that one directly to Simon, saying his opening line was “too late for advice” and in Welder Bear’s life it’s never too late for advice. Ok then here’s some. Don’t speak. Just thumb dance. And way to not even try to answer the question. This guy should be in politics.

Free condoms and rubber gloves for all citizens!

Tink asks Simon to respond to that and he just shrugs and says “It’s too late.” HAHA. Tink tries to stir some shit up but Simon insists there’s no animosity, WB’s song just sucked and if he wants to stand by it then good for him. There’s lots of metal that needs to be affixed to other metal. Bette Davis Forehead is next and she bumbles about thinking she chose the right song. The girl with the short shorts and no visible Adam’s Apple says that she overcompensated and less is more. Vocally and clothes wise. If this girl moves on I predict she will eventually show up completely naked and let her vagina do the singing.

Chola Bangs is called down to the stage first, followed by Bette Davis Forehead, who walks like she’s in a beauty pageant and makes cutesy faces as Tink reads off last night’s critiques. Welder Bear is brought down to stand with the girls. Tink asks Randy who will make it and Randy says he hopes it’s Chola. And it is! Congrats!! She’s a good girl, she can sing her ass off, and I will be one chola less scared during the wait for my next burger. Plus, she’s ditched the claw bang for a some kind of red and white polka dotted bra over her dress. Well done!

She sings “Alone” again and does as good a job as last night. Well I assume that she does. I pressed FF. And so did you, so don’t judge.

The Pizza Hut in Little Armenia just never stops giving.

The girl who sucked bawls but was praised by the judges for being gorgeous is called down with Kris the twink. Piano Gums is onstage next with the ho in the short shorts. One of them is moving on. Who does Paula think it is? She says she doesn’t know but it’s not man face. Simon mutters through her babbling and she calls him a gnat. Then she starts a sloppy hand job under the table. Man face is out. Gums McGee is out. Skara says she just gave Kris a hard time because he was so good. The judges boo her answer. LOL. She goes on and on about how he was good in Hollywood week and not so much last night. Tink asks Simon why he’s rolling his eyes and he says it’s cuz she’s just rambling on and on. HAHA. She answers that it’s “partially what I’m here to do”. The other part is annoying Simon and getting Paula to quit so she can’t sue, and it looks like she’s on track. Then she KEEPS TALKING! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA.

She tells pretty girl that she’s unique and could be a big recording artist. Simon says “take your time” and she gets mad and yell/asks if Simon ever shuts up. One person in the audience is on her side. Tink shuts her up and give the results. The twink is moving on! Sorry, pretty! I am surprised. Not that pretty lost, because America has ears even if the judges are riggers, but that only one more person is getting through. I figured Misha had a chance, but nope. You know Hambert’s going on. And yet there’s still another half hour of show time. Tink asks Twink how he’ll feel about rooming with Oil Rig Bear.

He came here trained and ready to rumble.

He’s not much of a personality, so his interview is just a lot of him standing there panting and saying “gosh!” His mom and sister are going nuts though, so we mostly get shots of them.

This is like one of those online teeth bleaching ads.

Kris starts a little shaky tonight, but then he starts twitching and jumping around and does better than he did last night. He misses a couple belts but it’s my own fault for not pressing FF. HE’S JUST SO CUTE!!! OMG.

Me.

Tink intros some Idol retrospective that he claims has received a lot of calls so they are going to replay it. Huh? How do you call American Idol? Get me that number stat!

So I can beg them never to do this to me again.

It’s weird watching this cuz it feels like AI has died and this is their swan song.

First Dr. Quinn was cancelled and now this! WAAAAAHHHHHH

Oh Jesus. Tonight’s special guest is Brooke White with her new single. I saw it up on iTunes yesterday and listened to it and LOLed because she’s even straining and off key on her own recording. Her advice to the contestants? “Don’t Google your name!” LOLOLOLLLLLL.

All you shit talkers on the internet, now is the time to take our bow.

The song is called “Hold Up My Heart”, which is hilarious. Did your heart sprain it’s ankle? Tell your heart to stop being a pussy and hold itself up, k? I’m very tired. I was hoping she’d go with a title that was a little more realistic. “Forty Year Old Neck” or “Never Too Old to Pout” would work. She should hit on Lie while she’s here. They could get married and tell people they’re in their twenties until the day they pass holding hands in Shady Pines.

“Why did you run away from me?

Is it because I’m not as pretty as I used to be?”

No, it’s because I Googled your name and lost all respect for you. Brooke sings her little heart out, and she looks as terrified and lacking in confidence as ever. Impressively, the judges stay sitting at the table and actually stay silent the whole time. I just figured Paula would get up and roam the halls smelling perfume samples and gifting herself to stage hands until it was time for her to talk again. The audience is supportive and stands during the song, but this girl’s face says it all.

When Brooke’s done, she does that “YOU LIKE ME!” face while the audience half assedly applauds. If you listened to the pattern of those claps, you would hear Morse code for “Bring back the twink and get this open wound off the stage!”

Yikes kid. Drop the Listerine and call the orthodontist.

Misha, Lie, Uncle Phyllis, Hambert, and Jasmine are all called to the stage. Misha says she did her best, Lie has no regrets, Uncle Phyllis and Hambert are completely ignored, Jasmine is bedazzled and begs not to be sent back to a life of internet porn in her mom’s basement. Sorry suckas! You’re all out! Uncle Phyllis and Hambert are left on the stage. Simon says that he went home and prayed for Phyllis’ dismissal for five hours last night. Then he’s out. I prayed for a 30 inch waste and true love and look at me! Wait. Shit. ANOTHER commercial break. COME OOON!

EW.





I’ll be over at Coraline 3D getting buttons sewn on my eyes.

Hambert’s in! SHOCKER! Simon does a half assed clap like Brooke just finished playing.

WTF does hold up my heart even mean?

Ham says he’s surprised because he thought Uncle Phyllis was hilarious. Then he goes into his ridiculous version of “Can’t Get No” and hams it up and eye fucks the camera and shimmies and makes Elvis faces and screams in ten different octaves.

If you can look past the scary alligator tongue, you can see the vocal nodes growing in real time.

So there we have it. Do you guys agree with these picks? And are you ready for a four hour American Idol week? ? ? Lord help me. LOVE