American Idol: Trishoutalon

Tonight on American Idol, Church Lady Gokey is so painful to watch dancing that he does this to a woman’s face.

First off

YUMMMMMMM

Very deep important keyboard cord. “They have become heroes in their home town!” Oh, Milwaukee, how desperate are you?

Oh. Well, alright then.

As Tink way too generously intros the show, the contestants are looking nervous. Church Lady Gokey is frowning and then in an instant he’s smiling plasticly, Krispy Twink Allen has the same stone happy cuteish look he always has, and Adam Hambert, well he doesn’t look scared at all, actually. He’s wearing a “oh no she didn’t” face and making kissy lips like he’s got this whole thing sewn up. After all, Simon was all over the news this week proclaiming him the winner. There’s all this controversy already that Ham might get shafted cuz he’s gay. GIMME A BREAK. If he gets kicked off it’s because half the time he sounds like the lambs are screaming, and America is sick of Hannibal Lecter spinoffs.

Don’t count your babies until the egg is fertilized in the petrie dish, k?

No matter who wins; whether it’s the straight knock kneed choir director from Wisconsin who looks like a pasty lesbian, the knock kneed gay guy with too much makeup and a Liza wig, or the knock kneed Twink who is half as talented and twice as hot as his two competitors, I’m equally meh. Gay, straight, hot or lesbian looking. All three are knock kneed to some degree, and so my team wins any way this pans out.

First Ever Knock Kneed Final Three. How is this not touted by Tink every five minutes?

You know how sometimes your job requires you to attend stupid parties where you don’t like the honorees and you have to smile and applaud and pretend they’re awesome? If you work for a show on FOX, that awkward office party requirement is American Idol.

I chipped in five bucks for the cake. If I don’t get a piece someone’s gonna get their ass beat.

So you know when you hear about a party with cool people attending that you haven’t been invited to, but you somehow manage to scrape out an invitation and show up and smile and wait til someone who’s not a loser will recognize you and want to get to know you better? If you work on a FOX morning news show, that pathetic please like me party takes place at American Idol.

Anyone here tried NutriSystem? Me neither but those ads paid for an eighth ounce of coke! Anyone? Anyone? I’M STILL HERE SOMEONE TALK TO ME!

Tink refers to the final three as “The Three Amigos”. I beg to differ, sir.

The Three Amigos were funny on purpose.

Randy is in horizontal stripes. Head slap. This helps prove my theory that the glam squad and wardrobe department in general is just a myth. Randy is in new blue glasses today. Wait a second, unflattering cracker clothes, different colored glasses, bloatee. Randy might have a single white female thing going on with Church Lady.

Paula does last week’s robotic choreography during Skara’s beauty queen wave,

Paula is facing the audience by the time Tink introduces her, and she turns around and smiles and waves like she’s in the opening of a sitcom in 1987.

as Tootie.

Simon is his undershirt wearing/I don’t give a damn I make more money than this entire audience combined self.

Tink tells us that the final three got to go to their home cities for big celebrations of their not-as-sucky-as-the-other-lame-contestants-chosen-for-the-season status. A clip starts playing of little girls screaming like they just got a text that their bff made out with Dusty and let him touch her boob. Times a thousand.

They will get to do two songs: one they choose and one the judges choose. If someone assigns Church Lady “Wind Beneath My Wings” I am officially done with this show. He’s first. We get a scene with him on a local Milwaukee radio show called “Asian Lesbians, Friends and Cheese.”

We don’t get to hear any of Church’s interview, but he’s acting as arrogant and douchebaggy as usual. Who texts during a radio interview?

Actually, it’s Paula. She is telling him she’s chosen a Terrence Trent D’Arby song for him. Hey! What about “Wishing Well”? That’s the only Terence Trent D’Arby song I know. Why in the hell would Paula choose some crap song from the eighties for her favorite? I think she’s just trying to prove that she’s drug free and can actually remember back that far.

“Dance Little Sister” is the song, and Church tells the radio host that he’s not sure how he feels about it. I know how I feel! YAAAYYYYYY! Paula gives us a memorized yet stuttered out spiel about the history of Terence Trent while Simon nods sarcastically. She leaves out the part where Terence changed his name to Sananda Maitreya after he had a dream to “free himself from the oppressive nature of the record business.” OK fruit loop, how’d that work out for ya? Hopefully Sananda will take Church Lady to whatever mountaintop he’s camping on to remove him from the oppressive nature of my TV.

The first lyrics are “Hey you! Give up that ghost that’s haunting you now!” Damn, Paula! Insensitive much? Was there not a song called “I’m Hotter Than Your Dead Wife Anyway, So Here’s the Gate Code to My Rented McMansion”? He starts in full shoutgrowl, and it’s already painful. Thankfully, he also starts with one of his pee dances, which I have come to look forward to.

Please give me a hall pass. PLEASE.

His energy is desperate and frenetic and it’s making me nervous. The whole audience seems the same way. At one point it looks like everyone’s stampeding the door and knocking into camera men. What is with the camera men getting knocked over on this show? Camera men, stay out of the mosh pit. Fug is contagious.

Randy’s brother is the sax player. You can tell not because he’s black, but because of his vest.

That family needs a shopping trip.

SaxJackson plays and Church Lady scats along with him. LOL. I have to admire Church’s desire to bring scatting back to the forefront of popular music, but he’s gonna need to learn how to do it first. Listen to some Sarah Vaughn or something. He just goes “ooh ooh doo doooo!” a lot and makes wiggy wiggy record scratching gestures with his hands. What. A. Douche.

He goes into full on hunchbacked off rhythm knock kneed dance mode, and seriously this needs to stop. White people everywhere are bowing their heads in shame. Eventually it does stop, but by then I’m curled up in the fetal position crying for my mama. Both of his chins seem to be very pleased with his performance. Well wasn’t that

SPEEEEEEECIAL?!?!

We get a shot of Church’s family and friends and they’re like HUH?

WTF was that??

Randy says it was dope, Skara thinks his dancing was too gyrate-y and she won’t remember the performance tomorrow. Paula argues that he did great at the dancing, and he did it without hot young gay men carrying him around the stage. There’s a novel idea! Simon reminds the girls that this is AI and not “that silly little dancing show next door”. Teehee. What did Dancing With the Stars ever do to you? Still, he calls the dancing desperate and thinks that the song was great except for the sax solo by Randy’s bro and he wishes Paula would have chosen a better song. She tries to argue with him, but he looks at her like she’s speaking Tunisian.

Que? Just cleany my housey. Me no talky to helpy.

Church tells Tink he knows he’s not the most N’Sync person out there, but all he cares about is singing that song well! FAIL. He adds that he envisions himself in the finale next week. He keeps talking about feeling nervous and shaking out that energy. SHUT UP. God his singing is bad enough I can’t handle listening to him talk so much too. I wish Simon was next to him so he could do this:

Simon and Paula keep on rough housin’ while Tink gives Church’s numbers, but Tink won’t let the camera guy cut to them. We just hear Paula scream “help” over and over. Then Tink tells us Paula punched Simon in the “left breast”. LOL. Hey look! Nigel’s back! And he got really shitty seats.

When the chick from FOX morning news gets better seats, it’s time to apologize to whoever you pissed off.

Kris is from Arkansas, and instead of a key to the city he gets an AT&T phone. Thanks for the dropped calls, Arkansas!

I didn’t want an iPhone anyway.

Man, that crowd is totally in the handicapped spot. Rude. Krispy has chipped blue nail polish on his thumb. My point? Don’t have one, but there it is. Also, in the pic above, it looks like he’s already going bald. Poor guy! I hope his fans don’t see that or he’s out. Randy and Skara both had to choose his song, and you know it was just Skara. Randy didn’t pick crap. He was busy trying to outdo Church in the lame Sally Jesse Raphael glasses department at Lens Crafters. They chose “Apologize” by One Republic. Love this song. So, too, does the crowd in Arkansas. A couple of girls start crying. LOL.

Where does Arkansas get it’s inbred reputation, anyway?

Tink asks Randy and Skara why they would choose that song, and Skara says because it’s dark and open to interpretation. It also has a shit ton of falsetto notes in the chorus. Krispy does pull off fals notes, but not very well, and not that many at once. Time will tell, but for now, when did sleeves that are bunched up in your armpits become fashionable?

Krispy doesn’t change the song up any, which will disappoint Skar. He does, however, play the piano on this one. Wowee! I hope he makes some good Blind Dandelion faces, cuz I miss those.

Thank you!!

The song starts out really softly, but Krispy’s veins still look like they’re gonna pop out of his neck. He handles the first verse really well, but misses the first fals note, and he can’t sustain the second one. This hurts. Why would Skara do this to him? Church Lady lover!! He changes the third one so he doesn’t have to fals it, and then he goes back to sounding great. Krispy is very cute when he’s not singing. Musical notes turn him into an angry little Gremlin.

He misses the fals note again in the chorus so he changes the rest of them and belts out the end. That would have been great if it wasn’t for those nasty high notes. I think Krispy’s mom is scary, cuz one minute she’s smiling then the next she looks murderous. Krispy Wife looks at her shifty eyed and nervous, trying to figure out which Mom in law she’s dealing with today.

If mama ain’t happy, taint nobody happy!

Randy says that he can see who Krispy will be in the future. Bald and fals killing. Skara is disappointed that he didn’t make it his own. Called that one. She whiiiines about being disappoooointed. Paula thinks there was a loud bum note. Uh, there were like ten. Simon calls her on saying there was a bum note but she’s proud. Then he calls Skara on choosing a song for him and then blaming the song on him. Skara gets defensive and shouts that he’s never interpreted a song in his life. LOL. I like this defensive side of you, armpit skrunch! Keep em comin! Simon adds that if they wanted him on the guitar with a different arrangement, they should have told him to play the guitar and arranged it for him how they wanted it. I am so sure! That’s no fair! It turns into a big brawl. Everyone starts shouting and clucking and Skara rips off the wig she borrowed from Paula and tries to strangle Simon with it. Thankfully, he’s got so many layers of chicken skin on his neck that she didn’t even bruise him. Randy doesn’t wanna get up so he just kicks people under the table, but Simon’s pulling hair and Paula’s tossing midgets. These judges need a nice long summer of rest.

That critique was lame all the way around. Yes, there were notes that Krispy couldn’t reach, but he didn’t pick the song and he was still more pleasant to listen to than Church Lady. Why are they all up Church’s hairy butt? It’s frustrating. I agree with what you guys said in the comments section, they at least used to hide it when they were playing favorites. Tink asks how Krispy’s humility is affecting him in the competition. What the hell kinda question is that? Krispy doesn’t know how to answer that, so instead he shows the audience his real talent while his numbers are read.

The Kardashians are here tonight! Roll out the red carpet! I’m guessing by the shoulder pads that Kim is voting for Hambert.

Hambert’s in front of and AT&T store in San Diego and he’s wearing the same blue nail polish Krispy has on his thumb. There are internet rumors that those two hate each other, but I think we can put those to rest. You don’t share fingernail polish with people you hate. That’s a pretty universally accepted truth, no? Ham’s not looking so hot in the sunlight. I can see why he wears nineteen pounds of base every week.

Since when is Ray Liotta on this show?

Simon has chosen “One” by U2. No one’s listening to him as he reads the text. His fans aren’t really the types to show up to AT&T stores. I’m sure his real hometown event will take place later that night in a club with lots of cracky looking twinks, assless chaps, and glow sticks. Simon says it’s his favorite song and he had to call Bono to get permission to sing it. He had to agree to using cloth toilet paper for a month and sending his leftovers to starving children in Africa, but he got the song.

The stage is all blue, which means Ham is shifting into “Mad World” mode. There is just a soft piano at the beginning, and Ham is softly emoting all over the place. It’s the cabaret version! Bono’s gonna be hellapissed that his song was arranged by the gay men’s chorus. Not because they’re gay, cuz they’re cheese. I like Ham, but I am LOLing right now. What a dork! He’s more nasally than usual and he misses a bunch of notes. His face, though, is priceless.

As if sensing he’s losing us, out of nowhere Ham starts squealing the song out like someone’s stomping on his toes and trying to steal his man bag. He gets so into it that he tries to eat his own name off the TV.

He’s squealing and squirming and emoting and then boom, he nails that note three octaves up and coughs up a hairball.

Then instantly he’s back into whisper faux cry mode, giving sad poses to every single camera in the place. He’s sad face Vogueing. He’s done some pretty bizarre performances this season, but this ranks right up near the top. WTF was that? Simon whispers something to Paula. I can’t tell what it is, but it made her crack up. Probably the end of a knock knock joke or some shit. Can’t get too deep with P. Ham’s mom is crying. Either she’s really proud of him or worried that that song might send him home, meaning she will be paying his rent again.

Randy thinks he’s a great singer, but wasn’t so into his version. Skara calls him an unbelievable strategist and says that he knows how to make a point. “See what I mean, Simon?” Yes, he gets it. But he was right about you choosing a song and then dissing it, lame ass Skara. Paula says her life is miserable cuz Simon is sitting there gloating about his brilliant song choice. She calls him the American Idol. Not Simon, Ham. Simon says it was brilliant and it was brilliant brilliance and if he’s not in the finals next week it will be one of the biggest upsets in history and not very brilliant. Ham says Simon worked on the song with him (is that a joke? Cuz that’s totes wrong if not) and if we rewind back home, we’ll realize the lyrics are really beautiful. We know who U2 is k? Thanks.

You spent time making that lame ass poster? Pick a side, bitch!

Idol Gives Back Update! I would like to take this time to thank the producers for not putting me through that hell this season. There isn’t a show this year. Instead, Exxon sent an Idol winner to Africa to check on progress. You’ll never guess who. Carrie Underwood, of course! The only Idol never to say no to anything.

These lions at an entire village. Less money to raise next year!

Carrie goes to a tiny village and everyone gets mad that she’s not Fantasia.

That was me in The Color Purple Musical! Yes it was! Prove me wrong, punk!

Carrie tells us that American Idol bought bed nets for the village and saved it from malaria. Not everyone’s happy about it.

I want Nintendo, skank.

Those glasses on her head cost more than the village.

Money was also spent on classes to teach the villagers how to use the nets. The kids even have songs about malaria symptoms that they dance around to. How uplifting! Nothing like a good round of malaria symptom verses to start the day off right. Carrie asks a lady if she’s ever had malaria and she says no. Then Carrie turns to the cameras and earnestly says “Good! The nets are working!” Hey! I’ve never had malaria either. Thanks, American Idol! The kids see a skinny blonde chick with expensive sunglasses on her head and think they’ve just hit the jackpot.

Buy me, Madonna!

As a thank you, a girl tries to teach Carrie Driftwood how to dance. It’s not pretty.

Save America some embarrassment and just go back to nodding your head.

Carrie explains that the nets are good, but American Idol’s not cheap. They also brought the kids toys.

The empty water bottle is like the hula hoop of Africa.

As Carrie leaves in her luxury SUV, the villagers chase her. I think they mean it as a compliment, but you know she’s freaking out in that car. One lady is wearing her kid as a backpack as she runs. And she’s worried about malaria? We need to send some money over there to have classes taught on shaken baby syndrome.

Tink asks Church Lady about his song choice, which is a bad move cuz this guy doesn’t shut up. ARGH SHUT UP. He’s singing “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker. Of course he is! Mom panderer! He starts off slowly and softly, which is dangerous territory for him. He pulls it off. He sounds nice, and he’s at war with Ham cuz there are a ton of fals notes added in there, which he nails. If he wins this whole thing, I hope he goes to the dentist.

Yamin knows a guy.

Danny said he re-arranged the song, but he didn’t. He just slowed it down to a snail’s pace. Church chose one of the most boring songs ever written for his final plea to America. Kinda fitting, I guess. At least he’s upfront about what he’s gonna give us when he wins. His voice sounds better than it has in weeks, and it’s the first time he’s shown that many vocal levels and not boned it. I think he’s a hacky lame bore, but he sounded great tonight. Randy says he can really, really, really sing. I wonder if Randy goes home and wonders why he isn’t paid more. Skara says it was stunning. Paula says they’re all breathless. I’m sure there’s a pill for that. Simon didn’t like the arrangement but calls it a “vocal master class”. OK I wouldn’t go that far.

Church rambles to Tink about how he had to give up all his nerves and worries about oh-pinions and he “came out here with a fresh mind and a fresh heart tonight.” PULEEZE. Next time try a fresh shave and a fresh paper bag over your head. GET HIM OFF MY TV.

Krispy’s next, and he doesn’t have some long lame ass story about how he chose his song. He says it just kinda came to him. What is it? “Heartless” by Kanye West. LOLOLLLLL. Tink’s reaction is way more subtle than mine.

Errrrrrrr….

Tink asks how it was preparing the song. Kris smiles. “Fun!” If this show doesn’t run over, it’s thanks to Krispy. This is the same song Kanye mouthed the words to a few weeks back. Most hilarious performance ever. I wish Krispy mouthed along to the same track and bounced around and grabbed his wiener and stuff, but noooooo. He comes out with just his guitar and he’s changed it into an emo cracker playing for change outside the NYU subway station version. Oh, Krispy. Well, it’s original, and his vocals are better than they were on the first song. Most importantly, he gives great sideways face.

It sounds like a normal song, which is quite a feat. I feel bad every time I watch him though cuz he’s squeezing so hard. By the end of the song he’s given himself Heather Locklear neck.

Randy says it was better than the original, Skara asks why he didn’t do that with the first song. It was brave, bold, fearless and it was perfect. Paula says he’s the bravest singer to sing about Simon like that. She also calls him RELEVANT!! Simon thinks the first song was a lame choice and he had written him off, but this performance changed everything. Kris tells Tink in his many words that it felt great. The audience won’t shut up and Tink snaps that it’s about the singers, not them. Damn, Tink!! That’s almost as lame as the letter Cook wrote to his fans requesting that they stop following him around so much.

Hambert’s next. Pimp spot yet again. These producers are shameless. He’s going with Aerosmith’s “Crying” and Tink asks him what he’s gonna do with “the range.” Huh? He’s gonna squeal like a baby being stung by bees, of course. With Elvis face.

Yawn. Ham does exactly what you’d think. He squeals and snarls and sodomizes us with his eyes through the cameras. The backup singer kicks ass on this one. Ham misses a bunch of notes for the second time tonight. What gives? He screams and squeals the entire thing out and it’s frankly painful and annoying. Especially when he hits the same money notes he hits every single time. This ho needs some new tricks.

Does every single song need this note? EVERY ONE?!

The last thirty seconds of the song are spent doing an imitation of a fire alarm. Randy says he’s one of the best they’ve ever had ever. Skara doesn’t know how he can still talk. She is pretty sure he will be in the finals. Paula says the bar is set high and he should be collecting frequent flier miles. Huh? Simon laughs at her idiocy. He refuses to suck up to him and says not to assume that he will sail through. He wants people to vote because he deserves it based on squeal talent. Tink asks Ham how he feels, and he says his competition is incredible and it’s an honor to be in their company. He says it in that “thank God they’re so perty” kinda way, but it was still nice. I guess. Why do I care?

What do you guys think? I have my fingers crossed for a Church Lady axing, of course. I think Krispy Twink was better and I don’t want to be without his sideways face and Heather Locklear neck. With both Ham and Church Lady in the final two, I will need to take lots of aspirin. That’s a whole lot of growlyells. Tomorrow night Jordin Spanx is on the show!! SEE YOU THEN!