AMERICAN IDOL: The Mass Murder of Hopes and Dreams. On Television!

The holding room. Hope there’s enough oxygen for everyone.

This week on American Idol, three rooms to begin with, but only two will REMAIN! Then, from those two, people will be systematically grilled and then executed. Kidding about the execution part. But seriously, they’ll be cut again to make the final lucky, high strung, constantly fucked with, 24 contestants. Watch as assholes pucker and dreams are made….AND BROKEN.

Hey bitches! who likes American Idol? OK….who likes OLDER episodes of American Idol. Dare I say vintage? Well, gear the fuck up for Mrs. Monamonzano’s wild ride.

Yeah, I’ll rock your world.

But, I digress…

It’s the mass murder of hopes an dreams, a slaughterhouse where Tyson is Idol and the CEO is Simon Cowell. Is this analogy boring you as much as it is me?

Seventy one contestants sang their hearts out just a few hours before learning of their FATES. You see, it all started during morning wood time.

Bonerville, U.S.A.

The contestants go through the daily “rituals” of hollywood. Like, eating a bagel with a camera in your face.

Seriously, trying to eat this bagel.

So yeah, everyone’s asshole is totally puckered. Then, they perform with a FULL BAND behind them (thanks for overzealously saying that, Ryan Seacrest) and don’t get feedback. I assume they go back to their idol holding tanks.

In other news, what the fuck Ryan Seacrest? Are you sure you aren’t gay?

Your bouffant tells a different story.

The judges deliberate on their state of the art light table.

This table shows everyone’s scars and bad bone structure!

When did the judges all look, so…unflattering? Don’t they have makeup and wardrobe people, or is Ryan Seacrest hogging all of them?

Frog face, Fatty and the Itty Bitty Titty Committee are on the case!

And everybody awaits the verdict in the main holding tank.

including homeless Christian Bale

In one room, a bunch of nondescript dudes, one of which is named Adam Lambert. Or, Alex. Or something. All I’m saying is that two lamberts winning American Idol don’t make a straight person.

The other room? A Bunch of ladies and a large black dude. Tough break. One of the ladies is like a supermodel with glasses. She’d play the unpopular girl that some popular dude was hired to date but when she took down her ponytail and took off her frames he fell in love with her.

But this isn’t the movies! It’s American IDOL!

So, they ruminate about their shitty song choices and wait.

and NOBODY gets chairs.

Everyone gets flashbacks, both highs and lows. Wow, these fuckers are really stalling. Let’s make a goddamned decision!

This one nerdy black guy sings “Man in the Mirror,” and then talks a bunch and makes excuses.

also, can I have a sip of your vitamin water?

Apparently, he said the band wasn’t right. Nice.

Ellen called this bitch old. That’s…promising.

weeps.

Did I mention she’s a glassblower’s apprentice? No? Well, she is.

Also, she wears a prom dress, jean vest and legwarmers to give the illusion of youthfulness at her last performance. Nice work. glassblowers apprentice!

Look constipated. Go!

Then there’s this soulless fucker who just wants to be Jason Mraz.

gag me with your bitchy little guitar and meatpie hat

But not to be outdone by another Mraz syncophant, a large black dude.

Seriously, what’s with the hats?

And yet another dude doing that shitty Jason Mraz song? Are you serious?

you bet your shitty hats I am.

Then a segment about some dude’s overzealous mom? Really?

The palmolive lady on drugs.

Yes, crazy palmolive was even there to witness a (gasp) minor mistake of song. Oh, the drama.

After break, we meet 17 year old charity mcsoftvoice and Pastor Coldplay.

Then crazy Mary Powers singing a Katy Perry song, wishing she was Katy Perry.

The lesbian biker chick version of Katy Perry

and guess who is at her performance?

Roy Orbison and Chuckie?

Then there’s Hope Johnson, who just don’t want to be poor no more. And weird eyes, who sang “More than a Feelin’”

closed my eyes and my lyrics slipped away….

Yeah, she forgot her lyrics. So did another dude who sang a Sarah Mclaughlan song. So, no loss.

Then this girl Janelle who cries a lot and more gratuitous voice overs that are both melodramatic and boring. BORING!

71 contestants, three rooms, no chairs.

The judges are ready.

Room one goes first….

let’s do this, tiny tits!

Ellen makes awkward small talk for a while while everyone collectively wants to punch her in her dumb tie.

But, THEY MAKE IT! AND THEY PUNCH EACH OTHER INSTEAD!

Punch Punch Punch!

In room 2, emotions still run high…

and chairs run low

I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of that joke. I mean come on, it’s a huge fucking hotel. They’re really out 71 chairs? Puh-leeze.

This room has GOT to be going home, because they didn’t do a sob story on many of these people.

And, I’m right. Peace out, Mediocritities!

SOrry, Hope. Your hope’s run out.

Oh, YOU’RE HERE. It’s for the best, bulldyke Katy Perry.

Then slow motion of everyone weeping in the room for fifteen minutes. YAWN.

So, room number three made it. Let’s see what cutesy way that those damned judges break the news.

Oh, by acting frowny and telling them they are in.

Yes, even you pretty nerd girl!

Even you, raspy weepy songstress.

alla ya’ll, for now!

Then, another cut? Down to 24? Wow, they are really milking this shit for all it’s worth.

So the judges grill the remaining people onstage. And then judge them more. Big Mike Jason Mraz dude is up first, and guess what? He’s in!

like world peace, but better!

Then Dee Dee, who I don’t remember but had a friend who died…who also inspires her! And, she makes it.

Then this girl makes it.

hats!

Then, that girl with weird eyes. Aw, does she have Bell’s Paulsy? That’s saaaddd…..even this dude with denim gets through afte her!

One guy from chicago gets to spew some pro-himself verbage and gets through. Then he tells the judges to repeatedly shut up. Still, through!

Ballsy!

Todrick Hall, a dude who asks girls to be his fiance, gets through! Get the invitations and shower shit ready. You have a bride to wed!

this mousey girl doesn’t make it.

Then she argues with the judges. Good form!

So, seventeen more finalists to go! Whoever will they be?????