American Idol: The God Card

Tonight on American Idol, there is a lot of sitting on stools. The favorites fall hard, and the weaker contestants rise to the top. And lots of guys do pushups.

Yes, Skara. WE CAN HEAR YOU.

My first thought is that whoever directs this show must really resent Tink. I mean come on, it’s hard enough being a midge without having to suffer through shots like this.

It was supposed to be the girls turn tonight, but Crystal Bowersox/OrganiJoplin came down with some undisclosed illness. Could be the flu, could be a virus. I say it’s way too much makeover way too fast. It’s bad for you. All that conditioner in her bangs and bleach on her teeth. Your body needs time to build up a resistance to all those chemicals. I just hope for her sake she was taken to Cedars and not Kaiser Permanente. Considering the fact that last week we learned Ken Warwick offices out of a broom closet, my guess is Kaiser. Or the free clinic.

The girls get an unexpected night off! I hope they weren’t planning on wearing these outfits on stage. Good Lord, Katie.

We say hi to the boys. I know that there is some confusion about the results last week, namely HOW is Tim Urban still here? He wore a fitted tee tonight to explain.

Ahhhhhhhh. Ok I get it.

Let’s say hi to the judges!! Randy has avoided horizontal stripes in favor of a nice blue button up sweater from Pea in the Pod.

Wait! What the hell! They switched seats again! I wonder if it’s cuz Ken W and The Other Simon noticed that the other judges wouldn’t talk to Ellen. She’s dressed like a boy scout today, which I don’t approve of. Not because they don’t let gays in, but cuz they don’t sell cookies. Whittle a stick by a campfire? No. She’s pissing on one of the greatest things about being a girl. No, not dresses.

Easy access to Thin Mints.

The camera man has kindly planted an old person in front of Skara to obscure her jiggling arm. This ain’t a float, heifer!

Simon is in all white again. I don’t know why, but I want to see the moobs. Come on, man. You can’t get me addicted and then just snatch that shit away from me in your last season. get the skin tight black tees back please! Another thing he’s wearing this week again is a needy, desperate hag on his shoulder.

Kara and Randy boo him while Ellen makes a fire out of a coke bottle and a toothpick. Randy, how will the last minute change affect the show? He actually answers the question instead of listing off a recipe for Sloppy Joes. Impressive. Ellen, have you ever missed a show? She says she missed American Gladiators when it left the air. HA. She stutters her schtick out for a little too long and then says that she was so ill for a show that she did it from a hospital bed. Tink was on the episode, and they were even in bed together. That’s a lot of androgyny in one bed. I’m sure it was the hottest non sex on daytime since Marlena was married to Roman 1.

Tink asks Skara if the guys will be better today after watching rehearsals. She says yeah in a really long non interesting way like only she can. I don’t think the judges should listen to rehearsal, cuz they’ve already made up their minds by the time the show comes and they just fuck around the whole time the kids are singing. You fools should have to suffer through this like the rest of us!!

Tink asks Simon if the girls are better or the boys are better and Simon sticks with his original girls answer. Let’s get some info on Big Mike! Or as I like to call him, Michael Clark Duncan from Green Mile. That’s a little long, so I’ll stick with Green Mile. We see clips of him doing some super awkward musical…

Tyler Perry’s version of Funny Girl

…and then a pic of when he played football.

While beating each other senseless.

He talks about working out a lot. He benches three hundred pounds. Damn. He says he was good last week and had fun and no matter what the judges say he doesn’t take it as negativity cuz the judges are “there for us.” LOL. You poor misguided giant. You’re there for them, k? When he gets divorce papers from the wife who’s stuck changing poopy diapers on her own he’s gonna totes send back a thank you card. He’s singing “It’s a Man’s World”. Still Billboard, eh? Cuz this shit’s ooooold. He starts by raising his arms, but no one applauds. LOL.

The new international sign for “stay seated quietly horrified at my arrogance.”

He walks up to the mic and sings “it’s a man’s….” pause. “WORLD!” Ouch. Missed that note very loudly. I’m liking where this is going. He eases into it and sings it well. There’s no doubt that he has a voice, but he’s so into himself it’s hard to watch.

The arrangement is the same as it ever was, but with more dramatic pauses and pointless riffs. Great singing, lame ass performance. Randy yoyos him and says finally the season is going cuz he has fire in his eyes. Then he gives him a standing ovation. WOW. Randy stood up. And it wasn’t to open the door for the pizza guy. Ellen loved it too, and Skara says she didn’t get it…until tonight! He can be a great artist!! Simon says he went from a pussycat into a lion and it didn’t sound dated. Mmmmm…no.

Green Mile tells Tink he’s happy cuz the wife and baby are coming this week. He doesn’t add “so I took the past couple of days to lay some hookers and do some coke off the bathroom sink”, but you know he was thinking it.

Poor Tink.

Tink asks John Park about his a cappela group. He doesn’t, however, ask why he cuts his hair to look like he’s being sucked into a vortex at all times on purpose.

The comb forward should be reserved for us guys losing our hair. I’m offended for Kris Allen.

Did Long Duck John watch his performance last week? Yes and he was trying too hard. So this week he’s focusing on honesty. For example, English is his second language and he’s been addicted to electricity since he was a child.

Listening to the judges rip on him was the hardest part of last week, but Ellen sure was nice! This week he’s singing “Gravity” by John Mayer cuz “it’s relevant to what I want to do.” Not float into space? WTF? So English is your second language, eh? From note one, he’s a completely different person from last week. Dang, boy! He sings with soul and doesn’t sound like an underpaid karaoke hostess at a sushi restaurant. Towards the middle of the song, his riffs get a little off key and his voice gets a bit shaky, but overall he kicked his own ass in comparison. Randy says that he didn’t give anything new to the song and it was flat. Ouch. He was better than Green Mile, IMO. Ellen liked it of course but says he needed to feel it more. Skara thinks it was better than last week but he’s not connected and she’s not buying it. Simon thinks that his a cappella group is gonna get their lead singer back cuz Simon doesn’t buy him as a staaah.

Great. Now maybe he’ll try to win votes by telling America how po our asses are. Little shit. I already sold your bike don’t make me rent out your room.

Tink asks Simon to expound on his completely rude comments, and Long Duck John doesn’t look very grateful for that.

Bitch.

Simon says this guy won’t make it to the charts, and Randy says there’s no star power there. Ellen says no one has the star power yet tonight, except Green Mile, who’s the only other performer to go so far. LOL with the backhand. Long Duck is totally going back to his room to flat iron his hair and cry right now. I feel bad for him, but I feel worse for Naomi Campbell’s driver, who “went to the police” according to the news. You know he had something thrown at his head.

This is the definition of the word “consistency.” Whoever would knowingly enter into a service job under this skank deserves what they get.

Casey Pretty is next. His shirt is buttoned up. And….eliminated. He tells Tink that he’s never watched American Idol. I suppose he’s one of those liars that claims to not watch Gossip Girl and Tyra, too. He’s chosen a song that’s been done to death, but decided that that means it’s a good choice. Then he talks about how he grew up without a TV and hair gel.

What kind of freakish parents did you have? Who babysat you? Nell Carter raised me on Gimme a Break and I’m proud of it. Next you’re gonna brag about reading actual books or some bs.

He also bought his own house and remodeled it himself. Well if he had a TV he would have watched Divine Design and learned to do it properly. I can’t believe how mad at him I am right now. How can you not have a television and call yourself an American? Boooo! Down with Prettiness!

He’s singing “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin DeGraw. He wasn’t kidding about this song being done to death.

Besides standing in front of a mirror touching yourself. This is a family show.

He refuses to answer, and then we’re show a clip of him hiding something in a box. I would be a terrible recapper if I didn’t make a Dick in a Box joke. So sue me. Personally, I’ve got my fingers crossed that it’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.

He plays electric guitar for this one. It’s cool that he can play the guitar, but the good stuff ends there. He’s no better or worse than any other dude who’s sung this song. I wonder if he’s gonna be told that he didn’t do anything new to this song besides anyone but me. I doubt it. Cuz he’s hot and his people don’t frustrate the judges on the freeways. Randy loved the Hendrix channeling. It wasn’t the best vocal but he will sell and can make records like that. Selling half assed vocals is what this show does best. Ellen says on paper everything’s there, but he’s a little too stiff and should do something other than smile a lot. Wow Ellen, that was some deep shit and spot on.

Skara says “we all got the memo, the cougar’s a fan.” She adds that he took two steps backwards and since it’s a singing contest he should…like…sing well. She believes he can really bring something new to a song but he didn’t tonight. Simon mutters “he didn’t return your calls, doll?” HA. She tells Simon that he doesn’t return her calls either. The audience is audibly not shocked at that revelation. Simon says he agrees with Skara and Pretty sounds like any other hack trying to be a rocker in bars across the country and doesn’t have the grit to sing the song. Pretty says “that hurt.” WAAAAHHH. That was the intent, so Simon repeats it for fun and adds “more like sand.” Skara joins in with “like dirt.” Dang, Skara! Did you sign a prenup or what? Pretty doesn’t say anything offensive, but Simon rolls his eyes a few times anyway. What goes up must come down, but I didn’t expect it to happen this fast.

Carol Brady’s next and still scared shitless. He cops to being skerd and says he feels better this week cuz he has a guitar and the stylists got rid of his bob curl. In his video package, he says that he created his own language in the sixth grade. Then he sings his invented language and John Park’s parents should be super offended right now cuz if that wasn’t racist I don’t know what was. You didn’t invent Korean, dude. And yes I know my laundry’s done and it’s been there a week and your laundromat is not my personal closet. Sorry. Please stop leaving me voice mails.

Sad music plays as he tells us about how skerd he is. He has chosen to sit on a stool and just sing with his guitar. He kicks ass on this one. His voice is equal parts smoke/nose/growl/whine and he can pull it off. He even smiles a couple times. We could concentrate on his old man plaid jacket or his Carol Brady hair, but he did a great job and even hit a high note at the end. He’s so cute and skerd and talented! I just wanna hug him (and then live off him).

Our first date will be at the Gap and then we’ll have dessert at Fantastic Sam’s.

Randy says he likes Carol’s package, which is totally inappropriate. Then he says he has his own language too and Carol really did great tonight. Ellen said someone put a banana in a paper bag and ripened it super fast. HA. She says under the mullet he has a Sam Cook voice. Skara says the world is rooting for him and he’s got an incredible recording voice that people would kill for. Simon says that it was a million times better and he should only be nervous if he’s useless and he’s not. He needs to develop a killer instinct, but he thinks he’s got a great voice and Simon doesn’t want to hear anything more about nerves. Tink tells Carol that when he fails Simon is thrilled, and Simon replies “and I’m constantly thrilled.” LOL. Tink really makes it too easy. Next up, Fraudrick is singing Tina Turner!

Admit it. You want an angry Ike to show up with a baseball bat right now just as much as I do.

Tink asks Fraud about how he felt about getting in troubs over the Kelly Clarkson song. Fraud says that he’s invented a way of coping and written about it in a new book that we can get for five payments of 19.99. Delivery times could take six weeks to never. In his video package, Fraudrick talks about being a dancer and getting cast as the first black Fritz in the Nutcracker. Shots of him working out backstage. Fraudrick has to be one of the most grating personalities ever showcased on this show. Sorry Hornato.

Get your feet off the couch you rude little mofo. You’re making Katie uncomfortable. Well, more uncomfortable.

He knows the judges mostly hated him last week, but seeing how into him Ellen was filled him with confidence. Then he tells us that there are people out there who sing and dance at the same time. His example? Paula. LOLOLOLLLLL. Clip of Paula mouthing the wrong words to her own song.

So that’s what you’re going for. In that case, you’re on your way chap.

Fraudrick’s here to show us that he can really sing, dammit! He does this by riffing shakily off the key to “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” The guy can’t sustain a note to save his life. Luckily for us, he doesn’t attempt that but a few times. He sticks with the arrangement this time, but he’s so all over the place riffing it’s painful. He does some “hey!”s and winks and stuff in between his acrobatics. He sounds like a skateboard going over a rocky road. Randy tells him to just sing a damn song the way it was written. Ellen wants him to dance and perform. She doesn’t like the song cuz it’s “difficult.” HUH? That song? Is so not difficult. Skara agrees with Randy about the over riffing and says when they first met him they liked him cuz he wasn’t insane acting. “Where did that Fraudrick go?” Simon says “move but don’t sing cuz this is not working out.” Then he adds that it was a corny, theme parky, non relevant performance. Skara calls him mean. Well duh. That’s why he makes thirty million a year and you work for parking validation.

Fraud tells Tink that next week if he gets the chance he’s gonna come back and sing “like I did as a little boy in church.” Sorry, I can see you’re going for the Christian vote here, but if I know one thing about Christians it’s what I learned from the most Christian woman I know, my Meemaw: Christians don’t like feet on couches. You’re out!! Before leaving the stage, he offers to sell Tink the 101 freeway.

But I’m CHRISTIAN!

Jermaine is next. He tells us in his video package that “it’s not the clothes that make the person, it’s the person who make the clothes.” Actually, we all know by now that tiny Asian children make our clothes. What’s your point? Is this supposed to explain why he has a Hitler mustache? Cuz it doesn’t.

I suspect there aren’t many Barbra Streisand albums in his collection.

Turns out his point is that he wears a onesie cuz his dad never turns on the heat. Seeing as how you’re 27 you could GET A JOB AND MOVE OUT, but I guess a onesie works too.

I rocks my onesie.

Jermaine did a great job of making us forget what an insufferable douchebag he is in this video until a camera person laughs at his pajamas and gets a shoe thrown at her head. Before the show, Jermaine pumps himself up by going down on a fleshlight.

WAAAAAY TMI.

He says the judges were harsh last week, or in his words: “dem judges was cut throat.” HAH. His reaction? “(high screech) are you serious?” Bwahahahah. I am starting to love him and hope he tells someone off before he’s eliminated. He sings some super gay Gaye. Man, this guy has a beautiful voice but to call him self indulgent would be an understatement. And listening to him singing about how war is not the answer while he’s got Hitlerstache is downright confusing. As he gets further into the song, he tries to add belt and misses the notes pretty hard. He’s semi butch when he talks in his video, but he turns into a woman the second he hits the stage. It’s like watching a sex change operation live in under five minutes. Poor gay Urkel.

I blame the Jews.

Randy says it was better than last week but then groans a lot and says there was one nice fals note but that was it. Then he groans again. Ellen says she loves his style but that’s it and he needs to pull back. He says “if I pull back anymore, Lord!” Simon rolls his eyes. Skara says he’s just doing too many forced runs and needs to just read the lyrics to the songs and understand what he’s trying to communicate. Simon says that they’re disappointed and frustrated with him cuz he waters it down by playing too much with the songs. Jermaine says “I’m gonna force you guys to come to church with me one Sunday.” Simon says he’ll go and then keeps trying to tell him how to not suck. Jermaine won’t listen and says defensively that he’ll let the judges pick his song next week. Simon doubts he’ll still be here, and Jermaine shouts “I know God!” Cuz the only people who get kicked off are dirty sinners. He’s so goddamned defensive. Then he tells Tink that he believes in God and he knows God. UGH. Faux Christianity is the new “my dog has cancer.” If God’s not cringing right now, it’s only cuz he’s popping corn to wait for Parenthood to debut.

MexiGokey is next. He tells us about being a break dancer. From looking at him, I can only assume he means he’s a dancer who’s always on break.

Wow. My bad.

He says that he took all of the judges’ disses from last week seriously, but he’s just gonna be who he is. He’s singing James Morrison’s “You Give Me Somethin’”. I would tell you more about his video package, but it’s pretty snoring. He’s on a stool tonight. I wouldn’t want any of these guys to hurt themselves by using their legs for two minutes at a time. He starts off strong. Nice smokey voice. He bones all kinds of notes in the chorus, but gets it back when he gets to the belt. And back off key after that. His end run is way off and he crack/nasal/squeals. Hm. He’s one of the best voices on the show, but you wouldn’t know it from that song. It’s hard, cuz he can sing but he might get in trouble for boring us to death. I don’t think the judging is gonna go well, cuz this is the face Randy starts out with.

Please. The only good thing about that performance was that it gave me time to get my lip gloss did.

He didn’t get it, it was pitchy, and MexiGokey shoulda been better. Then Gokey’s dad swallows his tongue.

Ellen boos Randy and says that there may have been a couple of pitch problems but loved it and wants his name tattooed on her neck. His problem is that he was awesome with the Paula song and he needs to live up to his promise again. Skara agrees and says he’s gone downhill from that performance and she wants a surprise RIGHT NOW. You’re not Paula. SURPRISE! Simon calls him lacking and says it’s now a problem cuz he hasn’t chosen the right song two weeks in a row. Still disappointed. He should just sing Paula’s entire songbook. I think the original thrill was that no one’s ever heard that song actually sung by an actual human being before. It was originally done by the lady who talks you through menus when you call the cable company.

Little Chicken is next, and something we don’t know about him is that he’s a little peeping Tom.

He likes taking pictures cuz you can do whatever you want and no one can tell you if you’re good or bad. LOL. Unless you SHOW THEM YOUR PICTURES.

YOU SUCK

He’s seen stuff about himself through AI’s cameras and knows what to change. Yet he’s still here with tiny little feet shaped eyebrows. He says that Simon passed him last week and told him to believe in himself. AW!! Come here you big lug!! Little Chicken is singing “My Girl” tonight. Sweet. He’s got the luckiest little fag hag ever.

He starts off with this head rolly thing like a lady at the DMV telling you to get your ass in line and wait like everyone else, and then he bounces up and down a lot. His voice is way shaky and he’s trying super hard. Black dudes aren’t the only ones who can over riff. Good lord cracker jack take a breath. It’s hard to watch this one, cuz you know this new personality was invented after watching last week’s awkwardness. He should never be allowed to watch himself on TV again. He was much better last time. Self awareness isn’t always good. Delusion can be your friend. It’s why I have no mirrors in my house. That way, in my head I can be Sandra Bullock (in the 90′s). Randy liked it, which means that he’s just given up. Ellen hated the song choice, Skara liked it and “I like yooooou!” Uh oh. Simon thinks he went backwards and it was all over the place. He needs to figure out what kind of artist he wants to be and suggests Justin Beiber as a role model. Skara argues with him, but I think she just needs attention or something cuz Simon was extremely nice. He could have just said “that blew harder than you will in your twenties” and left it at that. Tink asks Little Chicken if he likes Justin Beiber and Chicken giggles uncomfortably and turns bright red. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

So…yes?

When we come back from break, Skara’s out of her chair in a bid for more attention. Dude, you have a husband. I assume he bangs you, but does he actually ever hug you or ask you how your day went? Jesus.

Tim’s next, and he doesn’t pull the God card. He pulls the military card.

A vote for Tim is a vote for America!

His best friends are his family members, and before every performance he prays. LOL. Never mind what I said before. He used the military card and the God card. How many people stopped praying tonight? God’s not having the best show. This week he’s singing “Come on Get High”. Well, I think I will, thank you.

I’m back. Tim looks less terrified tongiht, but just as confused.

Am I wearing any makeup?

I see God when you come…on. Nice lyrics! At first I think it’s a gospel song, but then it becomes about making out and coming. Not that I’m against any of that. He’s shaky and boring, but he’s way better than last week. He does have a big fals note though, and this time it’s the last one. Bad move, cuz he still can’t sing it. Just pick one note and stick with it. And keep doing pushups.

Randy gives him a sad “yoooo.” Then he asks how that felt. Tim laughs awkwardly and smiles big “it was fun!” Randy didn’t get it. He gets booed and Ellen tells them to keep booing. She says Tim should act cuz if he was on Glee and could act and kinda sing too girls would love him. Then girls woo really loudly. He’s not getting kicked off any time soon, and the singers on Glee CAN sing, dammit! She adds that he has no charisma or stage presence. So he should be an actor? I don’t get how that works, but it’s nice to hear Ellen get cunty. Skara says he looks the part and plays the part and in tiny moments he shines. Simon says that he disagrees with everyone and it was way better than last week.

I know, right?

Shot of Tim’s friends. They all have the same hair. Is that important? No. But it’s still disturbing. And I’m high cuz Tim told me to be.

This cut looks just as bad on women as it does teenage boys. Way to keep the battle of the sexes at even score, ladies.

Simon likes that Tim listened to criticism and he was “more relevant”. He’s impressed that Tim didn’t whine and actually worked hard to suck less. Aw. Tim is goofy and sweet, and all Simon can see are hard pecs, a white smile, and giant dollar signs.

If you look closely enough, he’s literally got dollar signs.

I can’t tell at this point if Simon’s being sincere or if he’s just trying to piss Ellen off. I hope B, cuz Ellen don’t take shit and this season could use a good smackdown. Lee is next. He made bad choices in high school and got sent to alternative school. I just watched Precious and she was sent to alternative school after getting knocked up by her dad for the second time so I’m worried for Lee. Clips of him way off key last week and then being praised by Simon. He knows that he was pitchy after watching the show and he’s gonna do whatever he has to to not have to go to any more welfare meetings with that scary ass Mariah Carey.

Tonight he’s singing “Lips of an Angel.” His voice in two lines is already five times better than last week. He hits a couple of big flat notes and he still sounds like he’s imitating someone else’s voice, but it was a vast improvement and he wiped the floor with Tim. He keeps pulling up his pants, but I coulda used some ass crack. Randy loves him and says there were a couple of pitchy moments but it’s ok. Ellen agrees about the pitch but liked his passion. Skara says it was a big improvement and there were less pitchy moments. She can hear him on the radio right now. Simon says that he’s vocally better than every other guy. HUH?! I wouldn’t go that far. Simon says that he looks terrified. Can Skara get in any more damn shots? Goodness.

Get out of my frame, biznatch!

Tink makes fun of Lee for pulling up his pants a lot, and Lee points out his belt and cries a little. HA. Overall, tonight was mucho mas better than last week. Still not really in love with any of the guys, but who knows how it’s all gonna turn out if they keep getting better. What do you guys think? I say Jermaine and Long Dong John are out, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for Fraudrick. See you tomorrow!! xo