American Idol: The Top Nine. Again.

Tonight on American Idol, Tink is a sloppy drunk, Katie tells off Skara, and Adam Hambert singlehandedly keeps the cosmetics industry afloat.

If the AI prize was a Mary Kay convertible I might have tried harder to win.

The contestants open in assembly line form, which is fitting. Hopefully, at least one of them is put together better than a Ford.

The big judges’ save was used on the biggest contestant of the season, so that means two are out this week! YAY! Crying is fun, but double crying is BLISS. So before we get on with said bliss, let’s look up Tinkersmell’s nostrils.

The obligatory “Tink is tall” shot. Now we can move on with our lives.

The judges come out, and there’s actually a surprise tonight. Skara’s wearing clothes!

You might be asking yourselves why her shoulders, boobs, and even legs are covered up tonight. Me thinks she might be in a little hot water with Other Simon about a little photoshoot she did recently for Allure.

“How to Stop Sleeping on Paula’s Couch and Rise Through the Ranks of Cougars in Hollywood” – by Dale Carnegie

When asked why she did the shoot, Skara answered that she wanted to take a risk and show us a side of herself we’ve never seen. Actually, we’ve already seen all of those sides. You wanna really surprise us? Make it through an episode of Idol without your finger up Cowell’s cornhole. Stop being so goddamn needy, Skara! And how are thin people getting naked in magazines risky, anyway? Put Oprah’s fat stretch marked ass up there. That’s a risk.

We’re only thirty seconds into the show and we already have a winner for best sign of the night.

I’m sure this sweet woman didn’t know she was implying that Simon traded a blow job for the save. Still, she couldn’t have said it better.

I think Tink is drinking. I know I say that a lot, but I think he’s drinking a lot. He comes out all loosey goosey, slapping hands with the tweens in the crowd and slurring his opening lines. Love it. Tonight is ELVIS NIGHT! Elvis is my hero. Both because he’s a musical icon and because he died on the toilet, presumably with a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich clutched in his grubby palms. That’s so how I wanna go. I have a Bible on my toilet, just in case.

Elv has sold more than 998,000,000 more albums than his daughter Lisa Marie, and one billion total! The kids got to go to Vegas to see the Elvis Cirque show, cuz what’s shitting on a superstar without pumping money into a multimillion dollar corporation at the same time? A waste, that’s what. Elv wore tight clothes and glitter, so might as well ask Hambert to come back and mentor! I don’t get it. Those two have ZERO in common. Ham is a shrieker. The only time Elvis ever screamed like a woman was the time Priscilla accidentally bought skim milk. But if American Idol sees a correlation here, I’ll roll with it.

So….Cher said no?

Montage of Ham hamming it up, gyrating his wiener all over the place, dressing like a young Felicia Gallant, and screaming til his tonsils pop out on the floor. His big song is “What Do You Want From Me?” I want you to shut the fuck up. Thnx.

I do appreciate you inspiring me to pull out some old Felicia Gallant pics, though!

Ham comes out looking, well, ridiculous of course. Glad to see the hormone therapy’s working for ya, tigress.

Last week I was looking for a clip of Sylvester the Cat saying “thufferin thuccatash” on youtube, and I happened across a Ham high school video. If those mean kids could see him now….

They’d probably still laugh but let’s just leave it at “…”.

Ham asks the kids the most obvious question: “what do I know?” But he did win this show after all. I know Kris technically won, but he’s stuck in a Ford for the next year so really, can we call him a winner? It’s fun to make fun of Ham, but he’s a talented guy, I’m glad he’s found success, and I’m glad that I downloaded his album instead of paying cuz otherwise I’d be PISSED. When we come back from the clips, Tink is playing with a Glee cast member’s fro. Told you. He’s sippin.

I love poooonies!

You know Ham has some star pull these days, cuz look who he got a seat next to. That little minx.

Tink spends a little audience time with Ham. Ham thinks the kids are all super talented and “special” but their personalities need some work. Tink makes fun of his high voice, and Ham says that it comes from sticking his tongue all the way out. He tries to make Tink do it, but Tink says “well, your tongue is more talented than mine.” Ham deadpans the audience like Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls while Tink decides if he needs to throw up now or if he can make it til break.

Liquor then beer never fear beer then wine sicker tynedalydumbledumble

Anyway, we all know Tink has the most talented tongue in Hollywood. He’s one of the wealthiest bottoms in town. You don’t get to that position from winking, tanning, and pretending to date Teri Hatcher for a second alone. If he was still on the show (which he kinda is), Ham would sing “Can’t Help Falling in Love”, which is Tim’s song. Now we’ve all imagined Ham singing this song, which will make Tim even worse. Is that possible? Thanks, Ham!

Crystal OrganiJoplin is first, and she asks if she should go acoustic or electric. Ham chooses electric cuz it’s different and says that his biggest strength on the show was doing something different every week. Well, with your hair and your glitter, yes. But you squealed like a pig in labor every time. I’m just glad he’s encouraging OrganiJop to change it up a bit. No OrganiJ I don’t have change. I was just using the word in a sentence. Get away from me. I’m gonna pour bleach on that mattress if it’s still on my lawn when I get home.

At the end of their session, she puts her fist out for a bump and he says “no thanks I promised I’d be on my best behavior. After the show? Greenroom. I’ll txt you” and she’s like “…??”

No means no, Panhandlis Joplin! Fist a girl!

She’s singing “I’m Saved”. The lyrics “I used to drink, I used to smoke, and now I’m standin on this corner” are in the song, so good choice. I love that whatever she sings sounds like an autobiography. If there was a song that had the lyrics “Give me your nickels or I’ll cut off your pickle” she’d sing it. As long as it implies homelessness and change, she’s in.

The song is more upbeat than usual, and the backup singers are on stage bouncing all over the place. The band has a ton of energy too. OrganiJ, though, is still pretty much the same. She’s standing center stage and growl yelling her little head off. To me it’s one long nasally shout for a cough drop, but the audience eats it up. I’ll bet she did stuff like this all the time before the manager of Coffee Bean asked her to tone it down so people could concentrate on their newspapers. That said, it was her best. Hypocritical? Yes. You’ll live.

Randy loved it, Ellen says that instead of telling her she’s awesome again she’ll wish people in the audience happy bday. LOL. Skara blahs about how uncomfortable she is in covered body parts, and Simon says he could relate to the lyrics. He can also relate to turkey’s burning in the oven.

Pour some gravy on that thing before it dries out.

He congratulates her on not being a karaoke hack like everyone else tonight. OrganiJ is sure to cough for sympathy during the Tink numbers shout out, just in case we didn’t like that. It might be getting old, but she can’t exactly drag her toddler up there every episode for votes. MexiGokey’s next! To prove that he does in fact have a sense of humor, he does a nose pick for us.

So Ham told you how to get a personality, huh? Fredrico’s not cheap but he delivers and his shit is pure.

Tink mentions that MexiG was in the bottom last week and he wants to know how MexiG felt as he listened to Green Mile sing for his life. He answers that they’re both DADS. That didn’t help you last week, so just stop bringing it up. I felt so bad for DoDo when she got kicked off cuz we’re both single and barren. WAAAHHHHH. He blabbers on incoherently, and it’s hard to believe that he doesn’t have a job. He’d be a great….

……

…………nope still can’t come up with anything. He’s doing this for his son you guys! Well that’s kind of you. Failing publicly is the best thing you could do for the kid. You might inspire him to learn English and go to school and rise above your ass. In alone time with Ham, he sings “Hound Dog” like he’s in the Rat Pack at a whisper rehearsal. Ham says flat out that it’s boring, and he does it with this face.

I airbrushed for this?

Ham wants him to give it energy, and MexiG says that Ham always changed it up just like he does! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. You can say what you want about Ham, and Lord knows I’ve said it all, but the guy’s a pro. MexiGokey, honey. Sit down and take a deep breath and try again. Ham speeds the song up, but MexiG does it in the same exact way, just faster. Ham tells us that hopefully in the time before the show MexiG will get his shit together. HA. OK he can mentor every week. I take it all back. MexiG tells us that he wants everyone to say “wow he changed it up again and we love it!” like they did that one time a long time ago with a Paula Abdul song. This guy’s hopeless. But Ham at least taught him how to moisturize and use lip smackers at all times.

The minute he opens his mouth to sing, I know we’re in for a disaster. He’s completely ignored Ham and slowed it back down. The problem with this version is that it’s the original Big Mama Thornton version, and you don’t touch that version. That woman is amazing. Don’t believe me? Check it out.

Even Elvis wouldn’t touch that version. He took it and MADE IT HIS OWN. I’m starting to think that MexiG was doing Straight Up straight and we just took his fuck up as talent. Back to this episode, he’s still doing that whispered Rat Pack thing, He’s going for blues and fails miserably . I’ve never seen a Mexican that white. In Mexico he’d be given he own TV show. His family holds up giant cardboard glasses, cuz they can’t hold up a shitty voice.

The audience goes nuts. Randy shuts them up and calls the performance bad karaoke. Ellen thinks he pulled it off. Back to hating her. Skara says that MexiG used the mic as a crutch and didn’t own it. Simon says it was lazy and it was like the part in a musical no wants to sit through. All of his coolness has been sucked out of him.

Of course you do. Let me guess. You’re a Dilbert and George Costanza fan too.

Ellen stands up for her positive review while Skara tries not to throttle her.

Tink’s mom is here! Even she looks manlier than he does. Sad horns.

AW! It’s just like prom!

He says “how depressed is she that I’m her son?” AWWW! TINK NO! You shouldn’t talk about yourself like that. That’s why we’re here. Besides, what mother wouldn’t love him as a son? She probably hasn’t had to make a house payment since her mid forties.

Tim Helmut Lame is next, and he’s singing “Can’t Help Falling In Love.” He looks like he’s been sobbing.

Show me on this doll where Hambert touched you.

Ham likes it and suggests that Tim move to his head voice for the end. Ooooh! Way to add some suspense. That could be a disaster. YAY! Helmut is on a stool for this one with just his guitar and his toned arms. He misses notes right in the beginning, and it just gets scarier as he goes on. This is a gorgeous song, and his playing is really perty. He’s not sliding on the ground, so there’s that. He does go up into his head voice at the end, but can’t hit the notes so he changes them down. Then he belts the last line. Wow. Way to not listen to a thing Ham said. That blew and it could have been pretty. The couple of seconds we heard him sing with Ham were his best on the show.

Randy liked it, Ellen says that after her first shot of tequila she didn’t like the taste of it but after a few more shots she did. So you have to be wasted to like Tim? How sweet! Skara says it was Tim’s best and very current. Simon makes fun of Tink for dancing during the show, then he says Tim has gone from zero to hero. Huh? I think these guys are starting to realize they backed the wrong MexiHorse and they’re trying to cling on to any goodwill we have left by suddenly approving of the cute one. Hey! My Meemaw’s here!

Get back to New Braunfels you dirty slut!

Lee is singing “A Little Less Conversation”, and Ham basically calls him Dead Eyes. He tries to get Lee to move his face more, and oh man I can’t wait to see this.

First off, Lee says a little less conversation but leaves off the “please.” Rude! Just cuz it’s not the fifties doesn’t mean you don’t have to have manners young man. Then he forgets the words. Too much facial concentration is already sending him off the rails. He’s really pulling out every growl he can on this one and is losing it halfway through.

Elvis face! NICE! First one to actually do that.

Now for more painful screaming.

And more…screaming.

Lee stayed pretty dead eyed the whole time, sadly. The only faces he really made were painful faces cuz he’s still attached to that fakey growl yell thing he does. He was on key though! Randy heils HItler.

That song made me realize …down with the Jews!

Randy says that he’s in the zone, Ellen says it sounded like a brand new song and he showed more confidence. Skara thinks he really went for it vocally and it worked but he needs to be more playful. Simon thinks “more playful” is a ridick comment and then goes on to compliment Lee. No one mentions the lyric flub, which of course is supposedly a deal breaker. Lee says that he did so well cuz he learned to smile. Um he didn’t smile one time in that song. LOL. This show. You guys, here’s Lee smiling in that song.

Snack time!

Chicken Little is singing “Blue Suede Booties Shoes”. Why would he do this? This is straight up blues and Chicken’s…Chicken. He sounds great in rehearsal, and Ham suggests that he growl more and add some energy and believe in himself more and keep his ankles behind his ears. Chicken says the song doesn’t fit him but he’s gonna have fuuuuun! He should have sung Spanish Harlem. Chicken does look super uncomfortable, but that’s just him. And he’s not wearing blue suede shoes. Come on! Make an effort. His vocal’s really good! Awkward? Shaky? Terrified? Yes. But he sounds really good. Good for him.

Chicken says he didn’t think the song was right for him cuz it talked about liquor. HAHA. Randy gives it lukewarm praise, but wasn’t too into it. Ellen asks if he picked the song, and he says yes. Instead of saying “then stop your whining, twink!”, she gives him credit for taking on such a big song. It’s not going well, so he coughs. Cuz that’s what you do when you’re sinking. Skara brings it back and says she liked seeing him break out of his prison. Simon says that it was old fashioned and it sounded like a high school concert. You know he’s just saying that cuz the cast of Glee is in the crowd. He’s gonna get some Sue Sylvester in his face. Chicken coughs more.

Sio’s next, and she’s got Elvis hair. She says very slowly that her parents raised her with good taste. Cupcake tights. That’s all I’ll say to that. She likes Elv cuz he came from nothing and look at him now! Dead! Ham thinks her song is a bit boring and turns it into bossa nova. Uh-oh.

“Suspicious Minds”. She does take his advice and makes the song faster. I don’t know if he was the one who told her to wear granny panties all the way up to her ribcage in a midriff baring outfit, but she did that too.

I liked how the slow version sounded in rehearsal. It was different and it would be interesting to hear a more ballady take on it. Damn you Ham! This version is pure cheese. In the middle, the song slows way down suddenly, like she decided not to listen to him after all. This version sounds better, but now it’s just all disjointed and weird. She blues belts and even gives a shriek for good measure. A very shaky barely on key shriek, but half yay. She nails a high note at the end and then belts the snot out of her last note. I would have loved that without the beginning. This lady’s super disturbed by it all.

Randy kinda liked it. Sio doesn’t like that.

I. Will. Beat. Your. Ass. Very. Slowly.

He comes around and gives her credit for singing her ass off in the second half. Ellen agrees with the second half thing and compliments her shoes.

I’m sorry ankles, but you’re still too crazy to not be restrained. Get back on your meds.

Skara says that Sio has two voices. One is a screaming thing and she’s confused. Both of the voices are better than yours, skank. Simon says Sio was too old fashioned and the first part was terrible and missed some notes later on. Screechy, erratic, and she’s lost who she was. Maybe it’s cuz you keep telling her to change? I think that was better than the other fools tonight, but I am biased cuz I like slooooow talkers. Sio says she can’t pinpoint who she is and she’s proud of it. If she can’t label herself then she doesn’t find it necessary to be labelled. Simon nods and says “good point.” Atta girl!

And….dead.

Tink announces that Idol Gives Back is next week and the host of the big venue in Pasadena will be Brian Dunkelman. LOL! No one laughs. I’m sure Dunkelman was laughing his ass off watching this at the KwikEMart though. Queen Latifah is the real host. Come on. Admit it. Dunkelman would be better. Maybe he could co host and then get fired all over again and end up back in a Kwik E Mart giggling to himself like a crazy person.

Green Mile is next, and he’s wearing glasses because hey, it’s working for MexiG. People are just gonna be all confused and vote for him on accident. He says that Sio suggested he listen to “In the Ghetto.” WHAT?!?! SIO HAD TO SUGGEST YOU LISTEN TO THAT SONG?! And you’re a proud black man from a singing family? Shame on you. I’m not voting for your stupid ass just because of that. And cuz I’m lazy and cheap. But still. Ham thinks that he should bring it up and Green Mile says he won’t cuz he doesn’t want Simon to call him too theatrical. Ham has a good laugh at that one, since he’s made millions of dollars for that grouchy mooby butt haired tool off being too theatrical.

Green Mile doesn’t speed it up, but he is way too theatrical. I mean Jesus man just sing a song without eight million riffs. His voice is as beautiful as ever, but he just jerks off all over the stage. I’ve never not been touched by this song til now. He takes big pauses and looks all meaningful and stuff. It’s like a monologue.

As always, he was touched.

Skara looks disgusted by Randy’s comments before he even makes them.

He says that the song was boring but it’s a singing competition and the vocals were hot. Ellen is glad they saved him. Skara says it was beautiful and Simon says it was his best. Just in case all that good commentary doesn’t save him this week, Green Mile shows off his three chins to drum up some personal trainer work.

Katie’s turn! She’s singing “Baby What Do You Want Me to Do?” She tells Ham she wants to sing a song bitching about the judges being mean to her. LOL Katie. He tells her to be angrier. To bring the point home, Katie comes out in one of Skara’s Little Armenia tunics.

Then Skara comes on stage, rips off her clothes, and sings over Katie while the audience screams in horror. Not agaaaaaaain!!

Katie’s voice sounds better than it has, and she’s very very country today. I can’t believe Katie’s singing like this. She’s wailing! The yawn singing works when it’s more hickish. It’s better if you don’t look at her face cuz she’s got the personality of driftwood but so does Underwood and she’s a kajillionaire. Go Katie! I can’t believe I typed that. Randy compliments it uncomfortably. Ellen said the song was very horny. Cuz it had a lot of horns. LOL. Skara snaps a circle and says Katie just showed the judges. Simon says it was just loud and annoying. Katie shouts “what do you want me to do?!?” HAHAHAH. Simon told her to be country and he still hates it. Tink asks Katie if she’s praying right now and she says she’s flat out begging. HA. I like her today. What’s happening to me? It might be that the judges’ comments being cut short is actually making the show a tolerable pace.

Casey Prettiness is up next and he’s doing “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”. Ham thinks it’s a little one note but likes Pretty’s voice. Tink is in the audience baby talking. Dude seriously. What is he on? I love him like this. Pretty is singing about being miserable. Can you tell?

It’s bluegrassy and kinda fun, but it would be better in a bar with drinks and nuts and the ability to shout “PUT OUT OR GET OUT!” He sings the crap out of it, and does some competitive growl shouts to show up Lee, which he does handily. He didn’t really make it any less one note, though. It should have just ended after the first verse. I was hoping after last week he’d turn up the dial a bit and give more of that, but ah well. He was still better than the rest of the dudes. Vocally, Green Mile wins but he just comes off as a dick. Randy says it was nothing new but still solid. Ellen says something stuttery and people laugh, Skara says it wasn’t brill, and Simon thinks it was boring but the vocal was good. So that pretty much sums it up. Good vocals or watchable performances? Cuz MexiG blew chunks but I was totally entertained the whole time.

What do you guys think? I have a suspicion MexiG and Sio might be out, as much as it pains me to say half of that. See you tonight for results!

If you’d have done it with this face you would be safe right now.