American Idol: Mom Jeans

Hello dolls from NYC! I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled to be bringing you tonight’s American Idol recap! Tonight I am joined for viewing by the gorgeous fabulousness who we’ll call Bootylicious. And I’m dying to get into the action, so let’s go!

Heh?

First up is Asia’h. Asia’h was one of my top picks from Hollywood Week, but she’s hasn’t blown me away since then. Tonight’s dumb “getting to know you” question is about the contestant’s most embarrassing moment. Oh, could I write a book on embarrassing moments. It would start with my first day of high school when I accidentally tucked the back of my pouffy pink skirt into my white tights and then pranced down the hall to math class.

And speaking of pouffy pink skirts with white tights, Paula opens the show by asking the girls why they aren’t decked out a la 80s. Why indeed? How many opportunities do you have to rock a belted, neon sweatshirt? Actually, you may have plenty. I just saw a feature on Fox 11 Morning News about tie dyed leggings. I just don’t know where to go with that.

Then Paula apologizes for her wardrobe choices in the 80′s – thanks for that, now if you’ll just apologize for “Rush, Rush”, we’ll be cool.

But back to Asia’h. Actually, I wasn’t paying attention to her embarrassing story, cause Bootylicious and I were busy discussing what pills Paula is on. But I did note that Asia’h was rocking a cute hat, scarf earring combo. I like it.

And for her performance, she’s in high-waisted, light pink pants and a hot pink bustier. It’s very Florida-ho. I really like her style, she picks stuff that would look really stupid on most people, but she works it.

Asia’h sings one of mine and Bootylicious’s faves from the 80′s, Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”. I was on my way to my cousin’s Sweet 16 the first time I heard that song, and when I got there, the first thing I did was request it from the DJ to try and look cool in front of the older kids. Didn’t work. Shocking, I know.

Asia’h brings some good energy to the performance, but it’s very wedding band-ish to me. I’m not hating it, but I’m not exactly blown away. She does hit some big notes – not in an overly impressive way, but overall, it was a good performance.

Mom jeans: okay sometimes? Vote now.

The first thing Randy tells us is that he recorded it with Whitney. Well, we all have our memories of this song I guess. It was a tall order, he tells her, but she showed that she deserved to be there. Paula says she “nailed it”. Simon says he’s not as enthusiastic as the other two – it was, at best, second rate Whitney. My thoughts exactly. Simon and I always think alike. That’s why we should get married.

Simon concludes with the comment that Asia’h couldn’t hit the big notes, but overall, good enough for Top 12. I concur. Besides, I want to see what she’ll wear next.

Next up is Kady Malloy, the Britney impersonator who should have been out last week. Not that Alaina Whitaker didn’t need to go too, but it should have been Kady and she knew it. Pretty girl though. And that’s the last nice thing I have to say about Kady Malloy.

Oh, no I’ll say one more nice thing, her embarrassing story is very cute. It’s about an audition gone bad. She’s got a funny, self-deprecating way about her, but when the story starts with her butchering an Christina Aguilera song…I mean come on! This is American Idol for crying out loud! You gotta sell it, girl. Do you really think sitting there telling us how bad you suck is gonna get you into Top 12?

Kady sings Queen’s “Who Wants To Live Forever”. Why do they have to fuck with Queen? I could live with it when it was Michael Johns singing, cause he’s hot, but Kady is awful. Pitchy, pitchy, pitchy. How did she get so far in the competition when she is clearly tone deaf? And why has she paired a purple shirt with a red tank top? I wouldn’t even have done that in the actual 80′s. I do like the earrings though. Oh, I guess I did have one more nice thing in there. You’re welcome, Kady.

This hurt us way more than it hurt you.

Randy said she hit the big notes well, and it was an “interesting” song choice. We all know what that means. Paula says it was her best performance to date. That ain’t saying much. Paula liked the tenderness of her voice. Oh, that’s reaching. Come on, Simon, help me out here and tell this honey she sucked and she needs to go home.

Well, it was definitely better than last week, Simon tells her, but he has issues with her “massive lack of personality”. Then he calls her a Stepford wife. It was a sad song, Kady argues – hell yeah it was, just the idea of living forever listening to that made me want to end it all now. “But you can still make emotion out of a sad song,” Simon replies.

After the judging, Ryan asks Kady about the personality question. It is a conundrum, she’s so personable in her interviews, but she gets on stage and she’s like a robot. Of course Kady says she has no idea what Simon means. “What do you want from her personality?” Ryan parrots back to Simon. “I’m not going to go into a whole conversation. I’ve made the point, Ryan, understand it.” Simon snips back. Oh, to be rich enough to be able to respond to people’s stupid questions like this.

Next up is Amanda. Amanda has an embarrassing story about burning down her deck and her swimming pool. I don’t judge, the same thing happened to me once. The porch burned while I napped on the couch. Thank heavens for the kind neighbor who knocked on the back door with a polite yell of, “Ummmm…YOUR FRONT PORCH IS BURNING!”

Anyway, back to Amanda. Now, I like Amanda. I admit she’s mis-stepped in the past few weeks, but I’m a rocker girl at heart, and I really like her voice. Amanda’s rocking Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself For Loving You” and tonight, she’s fabulous! Amanda is the real deal. And I love her glittery scarves. Mmmmm…glitter. Amanda has toned down the hair and the makeup and she immediately shoots up ten points in my book for listening to Simon. That’s how you win this thing.

I’ll bet she smells like peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

The judges are equally thrilled with the performance. Randy tells her, “That’s the Amanda that we love!” Paula has so much to say. She doesn’t know where to start. So she starts with the hair and makeup. I am reminded of a conversation Fabulonista and I recently had about Paula.

ChickBomb: It’s weird that Paula Abdul’s judging singing, right?

Fabulonista: Straight up!

And then it’s Simon’s turn. Simon really seems to hate Amanda, so I’m a little worried. “If I’m being honest,” he begins. And when is he not? “I though it was fantastic!” Yeah! Simon continues on to say it was one of his favorite girl performances of the competition, and he knew she could do it. Hell yeah, Amanda! Rock on, honey! Even my Mom loved it and she admittedly “doesn’t care for that type of music.”

Next up is Carly. I miss her embarrassing story. Carly is wearing the high-waisted pants too. Obviously one of the show’s stylists is making a statement. Too bad it’s last season’s statement. Carly sings “I Drove All Night” and not much to say, she nails it, as usual.

Please stop trying to bring these pants back. They’re just bad for America.

Randy tells her she keeps smashing it every week. Then Paula calls her “dude”. The judges are being especially silly tonight. Loves it. Then she tells Carly, “You’re like a dependable dog.” Ummmm…okay, thanks? Paula looks adorable, by the way. I’m so happy she recovered from that horrific accident she had with the blue eyeshadow last week.

Simon likes it overall, but he didn’t like the song choice. It’s one of the rare times that we disagree. Don’t worry, I’m not breaking up with him though, every relationship has its differences. He thinks she’s better than the song. But all three judges agree that she could sing the phone book. They cut to Carly’s Mom, who has joined us from Ireland, and she is young and gorgeous. I love Carly’s soft brogue. She’s going far. I see another recording contract in her future. Let’s hope this time she sells more than 40 albums.

Next up is Kristy Lee Cook. I am not a fan. She’s a bore snore, and I don’t like how she stands in a wide legged stance every week and doesn’t move. Kristy Lee’s embarrassing story is that when she was seven, she pretended she was a dog. She had a dog bowl, and pet rats that she carried on her back. Bootylicious and I are speechless. “I would tell no one that,” Bootylicious finally chokes out. Seriously. Not cute.

Kristy Lee sings “Faithfully” by Journey, a song with a very specific memory attached for me that is far too painful to talk about here. Let’s just say that song never fails to make me cry, and I always seem to hear in public places, like the supermarket.

Since I don’t care for Kristy Lee, I want to be mad at her for desecrating a song that is very meaningful for me, but she adds a country twist to it, and it is actually quite nice. Nothing earth shattering, but I didn’t hate it. And she looks absolutely gorgeous. Bootylicious wonders, “Didn’t anyone teach her to sing with her eyes open?” She does have them squeezed shut the whole time.

Peek a boo!

It’s only at the end of the song that she messes it up, when she tries to hit a note that was clearly not meant for Miss Kristy Lee. Randy reminds us that he worked with Journey. We know, we know, we know, but I’m a little indulgent with the personal stories tonight too, so I guess I can’t say anything. Paula and Simon are clinging to one another while Randy talks. Or maybe she passed out, and he’s holding her up. “Seriously, what type of pills does she take?” Bootylicious wants to know!

Paula liked Kristy Lee’s performance. And of course, she compliments the look. Kristy Lee looks like Felicity tonight. Hey, have you seen the movie August Rush with Felicity and Jonathan Rhys Yummy? It’s adorable, it’s a feel good-er. I recommend.

But back to Kristy Lee. Simon liked that she took his advice and brought the country influence, but her problem is that she’s forgettable. At best, she’ll come in 10th, he tells her. But that’s okay with Kristy Lee, and that’s why she must go now. If anything other than winning is acceptable to you, then you are NOT our American Idol. This is serious business. I have no time for mediocrity.

Then it’s time for Ramiele. Ramiele, the little girl with the big voice, has been a big disappointment to me so far. Ryan sends her scurrying down the stairs before her embarrassing story package cause “you have short legs, and there’s a lot of stairs.” Glass houses, Seacrest. But I am loving your skinny purple tie tonight. And if Simon and I ever break up, you’re still my number two. Kisses.

Ramiele’s embarrassing story is about dropping off a love note at some boy’s house. Listen, if I’ve got to listen to your pitchy performance, you better come up with a better story than that, Shorty. She sings one of everyones favorites, “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. In fact, I just played it on my iPod two days ago.

What is up with the purple and red combo today? And who told her that accessorizing with a dumpy grey sweatshirt was a good idea? I like the lavender eyeshadow though. Bootylicious thinks Ramiele looks like she should be in porn. She can not stop talking about the slutty, two-toned hair. I’m having a hard time hearing Ramiele over it.

Ramiele had some good moments, and overall it was alright, but not good enough. Not memorable. Randy thought it was good, but she needs to let it out more. Paula goes right for the important point, and compliments her pretty face. Then she compliments the “texture” in her voice. She probably meant the texture of the lavender eyeshadow, but it’s Paula, so we just smile and mentally pat her on the head.

Shhhhhhh….

Simon tells Ramiele she’s little and she’s cute, but it was a little old fashioned, and nothing new. He’s heard that performance before. It was predictable. How many ways can we spell dull? Simon’s not jumping out of his chair. “Sorry,” he offhandedly offers. “It’s okay,” she replies pleasantly.

When we come back form commercial after Ramiele, Simon and Paula are snuggling again. He’s giggling while she babbles incoherently. Damn, I have missed this show so very, very much. “Have I mentioned that you can download tonight’s performances exclusively on iTunes?” Ryan pokes his head into the love-fest to chirp. Yes, you have. Like eighty-million times. Have you heard that Ryan rules Hollywood now? I’m so proud, but it takes so much whoring to do it.

Brooke White is up next. Brooke is like the opposite of Kady Malloy for me. I love, love, love Brooke’s voice, but her personality annoys me. Of course her embarrassing story is church related, so I tune out early. The really good news here is that Brooke has done something with the curly bangs, and now that her hair looks good, this is one gorgeous girl.

Brooke is singing another one of everybody’s favorite 80′s songs, Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield” Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa aiiiiiiiiiiiii….WE ARE YOUNG! I am all ready for her to rock it out, but Brooke veers in a totally different direction and does it acoustic! I love that she did something totally different with this, and made it absolutely her own. This is what American Idol is about.

What I don’t love is her belted Mom Jeans with an orange button down shirt that looks lifted from her charity work with the local prison. But I just love her smoky voice. I could listen to her all day.

Although I don’t really know if you can understand this song if you’ve never seen an R rated movie.

Randy liked it, and he liked that she let someone else play the guitar so we could focus on Brooke’s voice. He points out that Paula choreographed the video. With as far as Paula’s fallen sanity-wise, sometimes I forget that she actually had a fabulous career back in the day. Who doesn’t remember that choreography? The punching motion when Pat sings “love is a battlefield”? Brilliant. And that shredded green dress? Oh man, I really miss the 80′s.

But Paula’s being a jealous bitch, and tells Brooke that she wishes she had done it with the band. Why, so she can be like everybody else? But Simon could not disagree with Paula more. He tells Brooke she made it into a new song, and two weeks running – great performance! That’s the way to do it when you can’t compete with the original. Don’t listen to Paula, Simon concludes. “Yeah, she’s high as hell!” pipes in Bootylicious.

Then we get another commercial for that new show Canterbury’s Law. Oh great, another lawyer/cop/detective who doesn’t play by the rules. This time it’s a woman, so that’s how we know it’s different and original. “I will sue the state. I will sue the county. I will sue you,” Juliana Margulies tells us in the preview. Groundbreaking. Season pass.

I object.

And finally, it’s time for Syesha. I didn’t like Syesha at first, but I can’t deny that she can sing. Ooops, sorry, I’m in Idol mode now, she can “blow”. Dawg. My new problem with Syesha is her skin. It grosses me out when they film close up on her. This the biggest show in the land, how hard is it to get the girl some Proactiv?

Syesha has another boring story about a boy and a crush and strawberry bubble gum. And she’s singing another Whitney song, “Saving All My Love”. An oldie, but not my favorite. If you’re gonna do Whitney, at least do it with a good song. It’s an uphill climb to start off with.

And Syesha doesn’t pull it off. Not by a long shot. She hits a bad note early on. I like her skirt, but I don’t understand why she’s wearing that spandex shirt with it. Love her lip gloss though.

Why must you torture poor Whitney? Leave her alone and help keep her off the pipe. This PSA has been brought to you by ChickBomb.

The judges are disappointed too, but they each only get one word cause someone in the production booth wasn’t paying attention, and we’re thisclose to that Telling The Truth show that’s the bane of America’s existence. “Good,” says Randy. “Sophisticated, lovely,” says Paula. “A bit predictable,” says Simon.

Randy wraps it up by saying all the girls were good tonight, but Simon disagrees. He thought there were only two good performances (Brooke and Amanda, I’m guessing), and that the boys were better.

Now, I have a very strict rule that I only cast one vote per show. If everyone adhered to this, the voting would be pure and fair. What, I warned you during Hollywood Week that I’m on a skyscraper-sized soapbox when it comes to this show. So I’m stuck between Amanda and Brooke, but in the end Brooke gets my vote tonight.

And we’re out! Kisses, and Happy Idoling…CB