American Idol: Tonight Was Brought To You By Randy Jackson

It’s been almost a full week since Idol Gives Back and if nothing else, I have learned at least one thing. Teri Hatcher will never go away.

Dear Tink, Please leave your hags at the bar. Love, Flipit

Tink tells us that everyone’s still feeling the shockwaves after last week’s boot out of Johns. What was so shocking about that? I can’t even remember what he sang. Anyway, the point is, every single vote counts. As minutes on your cell plan.

Miss Mariah Carey is tonight’s mentor, and she was also the guest on today’s Oprah. After seeing her three thousand square foot closet and French nutritionist, I kind of just want her to leave me the hell alone. The problem is, she seems really nice and come on. It’s MARIAH. Do you complain when Christmas comes twice?

When she talks to the idols she tells them that she is uncomfortable with judging people so just think of her as their friend who sings for a living and writes songs occasionally. I prefer to think of her as the delightfully out of touch diva who squeals like a calf popping out of the womb in almost every song she records, and also the girl from Glitter. I meant that as a compliment.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that she just surpassed Elvis as the solo artist with the most number one hits. She told Oprah that that title makes her a bit nervous, but the title that really gets her is “the solo artist to have more hits than any other artist ever.” LOL. You gotta love Mariah Carey.

I’m just a girl!

Tink asks Randy how he’s going to deal with tonight when he is always telling contestants to stop singing Mariah songs. Randy says he doesn’t expect anyone to actually sound like Mariah, just please don’t suck. Tink asks Paula the same question and she says she’s gonna “differ” to Randy. How is that different from any other night? And wow. Learn English.

The Fetus is the first with a one on one session with Glitter, and the first thing she does is jump on top of him and try to give him CPR. No, silly, he’s not dying! He was just pulled out the womb early so his dad could pimp his vox for cash. Fetus says that he is a true fan and bows down to her. Shocker. The kid was singing Jennifer Holiday when he was ten. How could he not be a Mariah fan? Next you’re gonna tell us you like antiques and catching up at brunch with the girls. I’m just saying. Maybe she’s born with it.

Maybe it’s Gaybeline.

Mariah is touched by his rendition and tells him that in order to sell it, he’s gonna have to squeal like a little girl being chased by the cookie monster. He gives her an example of his falsetto, and instead of covering his mouth and saying “never mind”, she just nods proudly. I hope his dad yelled at him til he got that down, because I’m worried for the kid. Glitter says that if he bones the high notes, at least it will be real. Don’t ever listen to a grown woman in a Hello Kitty band aid.

He sings “When You Believe”. I thought I wouldn’t be able to pay attention to this performance because I would keep flashing back to the Mariah/Whitney “When You Believe” diva riff smackdown at the ’99 Oscars:

But it turns out that I can’t concentrate because of this:

Do you remember that episode of Friends where Ross wore leather pants on a date and then got them wet and they shrunk to doll size? Who knew someone kept those?

He does a pretty good job with the song. He riffs more than he ever has and most of them come off well, but more than a couple sound like white boy wannabe too slow and exact riffs. He doesn’t add any emotion to the song, and the falsetto is there, but it’s weak. It doesn’t help that he not only took on Mariah, he also took on pre crack Whitney. Sorry. The kid’s got talent, but next to those two he looks like a tiny dim little bulb on the bottom of the tree. And he wore leather pants. Thanks for that, kid. Otherwise, it’s a solid meh.

Randy loved it and says that he can sing anything. Paula differs to him and doesn’t differ. She agrees. Simon thinks he did a great job and adds that he had a number one with that song in the UK around Christmastime. I’m sure he means Leon Jackson, he of the molasses vibrato from X Factor, had a number one with the song, but it’s fun to imagine Simon singing and making pouty faces at the cameras. The Mariah/Whitney version made the Fetus look lame, but the cheesy Leon version makes the Fetus look like Mariah/Whitney. I am getting confused. I need to stay the hell away from YouTube for the rest of the night.

Carly tells Tink that she’s been upset since Johns left because no one else remaining has a shred of a sense of humor. Aw, poor Carly. Why don’t you all just gang up on Syesha for laughs? That seems like it would be fun.

Glitter says that she likes watching Carly on the show and is solidly behind her performance of “Without You”. Carly comes onstage wearing a cute dress and hiding her sleeve tats, which is a good choice. She starts off a bit Karen Carpenter-y and wobbly, missing some notes and riffs, but when she jumps into her belt, she knocks it out of the park. Nice job, lady! Even her hubby is ecstatic!

Ow my teeth.

Simon is telling Randy something snotty, asking “do you want my advice?” No. Then he says what sounds like “if you want milk, you gotta go there.” WTF? Anyway, Randy says that the lower part at the beginning wasn’t very good, but the belt stuff was. Even though he’s complimenting her, he doesn’t seem interested in what she’s selling. I know some of you think that the Judges are harsher on people they want the audience to vote for, and I hope you’re right because that’s pretty rude to break her down week after week while letting the Fetus slide by every time.

Paula sounds hesitant and says that she likes that she showed her lower register, but she’s not excited either. Simon says that he’s wanted to hear her sing the song, but she didn’t pull it off. She is capable but hasn’t let go enough yet. I agree with that. She’s good, but she hasn’t made me squirt any out yet. I hope she gets a chance to.

Syesha comes in to meet Mariah like a dog who pooped on the rug and knows it’s gonna get it’s ass whooped. Either that or she’s pretending to have scoliosis for a pity critique. Either way, it’s annoying.

How many times do I have to tell you? OUTSIDE!

Glitter is impressed with Syesha and takes the time to teach her how to make a song her own and not rip off riffs. Finally, someone said it in a nice way. Will she listen?

Not really, but damn. She chose “Vanishing” and she killed that song. She felt it and she pounded it out. And I felt something! Most of her performance was vocal acrobatics, but dammit, the girl flipped and swung and stuck that shit. Atta girl! Randy hates Syesha, but even he says that although she had some pitchy moments, she did a “good” job. Paula says she’s brave for picking a song not many people have heard. What? Who hasn’t heard that song? I still hear it every time I go to Ross dress for less. How does Paula have a job? And why is she wearing Miss Piggy’s costume from The Great Muppet Caper?

Kermieeeeee!

Simon says that technically she did a very good job but it was a mistake to sing a song “no one knows about”. I hope Mariah comes on the show tomorrow and beats the shit out of these judges. “WHO DOESN’T KNOW VANISHING? I’LL KILL ‘EM!” I don’t know what Syesha did to the judges, but Simon and Randy will never like her. Tink asks Simon what he thinks of the night so far and Simon says the Fetus stole the show and is the one to beat. With a fly swatter. Done!

Brooke starts with that wah wah of how she missed her sister’s wedding AGAIN. Ugh. Mariah says that she likes Brooke and advises her, too, to squeal. LOL. She sings “Hero”, and she’s the first one to really make a Mariah song her own. She misses a lot of notes and is boring, but it’s definitely a Brooke version. It’s pretty consistent until the middle, where she bones it on the piano a couple times and then vocally a couple times, then she starts shaking and speeding through the song like she wants to get the hell out of there. I would feel bad for her, but it’s hard to when I’m laughing so hard. Vocally, she doesn’t stand up to the rest still in the competition, and she bugs.

Randy digs the “singer songwriter thing” and thinks she was pretty good. Paula calls her out on speeding up when she messed up, but says it was very brave to do “the unplugged version”. Brave? She does it every damn week. Oy. I don’t like where this is heading. Wait, yes I do! Simon says that her performance was like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun. LOLOLOLLLLL. Then the judges all argue about what’s most important in a hamburger and Brooke is left onstage while they squabble with this look on her face.

I coulda been a BRIDESMAID!!

Glitter likes that Kristy Lee Cook chose to sing “Forever” because it wasn’t a very popular song, and Kristy Lee is impressed that she gave Mariah goosebumps. Don’t be. That was just her skin trying to crawl off. I don’t think she could have meant it as a compliment. Oh, no. She did mean it as a compliment. In fact, she tells Kristy Lee that she sings it better than her. ?!?

As usual, Kristy Lee sings in that nasally throat clenched way, like she’s trying to get a peanut butter cracker unstuck from her soft pallet.

Gargle a Diet Coke. It works like a charm.

She starts off low and quiet, and then belts it out country style. It is definitely an original version and it’s one of Kristy Lee’s best. She’s on key and I think this is the first time she’s really felt it. Her twang bugs me, but she did a really good job. Who knew?

Randy doesn’t think it was amazing, but she stepped up toward the end. Paula loved it and was blown away. She says the song could be a hit on country radio and I can’t believe it, but I agree with her. Kristy Lee reminds Simon that she gave Mariah chills, and Simon says that she didn’t do the same for him. He says it wasn’t great. That’s sad, cuz I think she’s really making an effort to not suck so hard and she achieved it just to get the same ole crap thrown in her face. That’s what makes a girl hard, Simon!

Back from break, Tink is sitting in the audience next to Ramiele. He gives her crap for refusing to leave and get a life, and I wish he was sitting next to Teri Hatcher saying that instead. Mariah is surprised with Cook’s version of “You’ll Always Be My Baby” because it’s a lame song, but she really likes the whispery rock thing he does with it and thinks he can make it a hit. I agree with her.

The arrangement is killer. Give those violinists a shot, they deserve it. His voice sounds like it could be fronting any wedding band across the country and he goes off key a lot, but the actual song is great. I would rewind and listen to it again, but then I remember who sang it and refrain. I hope Daughtry steals this shit.

I have no caption for this, the pic just cracked me up.

Randy and Paula slobber all over themselves and Randy says it was “the bravest” all season. Simon says he felt like he was brought out of karaoke hell and the sign of a great artist is someone willing to take risks. Unless you’re Syesha or Kristy Lee. Noted. And then Cook cries. Awwww. How cute. See? He’s not an egomaniacal jerk! FF.

When we come back, Simon points out a sign in the audience that says “Simon For President”. HAHAH. Tink goes and rips it up. Could you imagine if Simon was President? He could just come on TV and diss the terrorists every day until they gave up and got jobs waiting tables somewhere.

Glitter likes Castro and gives him some new melodies for “I Wanna Be Your Baby”. He smiles and laughs goofily. HAHA. How can you hate this kid? He does an interesting bongo heavy version of the song and it’s actually really nice. He doesn’t play the guitar tonight, and instead holds onto the mic for dear life and concentrates on contorting his face just right to squeeze the riffs out. He misses a few of them, but it’s the most vocal effort he’s put in in a long time, and he did an admirable job.

Twiiiist!

We get a closeup of one of Jason’s friends, who doesn’t wash his hair either. It must stink when they hang out together.

Pantene. It ain’t just a river in Egypt, boys. Look it up.

Randy says it was like he was at a weird beach luau and felt like he was supposed to be rotating above a fire, which understandably freaked him out. Paula loved it, and Simon agrees! He says it wasn’t the best vocal but it was a great version and furthermore, the boys won the night hands down. The judges keep talking to each other about the missing beef. OY. So what do you guys think? It was definitely a step above inspirational week, eh? My guess is Brooke or Castro are out, but I’ve been wrong every week so far, so don’t place any bets. xo