American Idol: Top 7 Results, Too Many Cooks Spoil The Broth, or Something Like That

The judges react to Mariah Carey’s lesser known hit “Ken Lee”

Now that’s it’s down to 7 mostly blah contestants, we’re losing some steam here on American Idol. Seabreath walks past a somber lineup of the leftover contestants like they’re labor camp prisoners waiting for their daily ration of bread and lashings. It’s better than what Fetus is used to, though. Also, FOX has gone green, which means they’re going to recycle all their eliminated contestants and compost them (run, Ramiele) with a pile of baby pandas donated by NBC and GE!Seabreath gushes that they got in nearly 36 million votes and Mariah Carey’s hypnotic performance skills are here tonight. Oh, and Elliott Yamin is back. Seabreath’s over the whole fans calling in thing, though, and apathetically introduces the judges. Let’s see what Paula has whipped up this week. It’s a scarf-bolo tie-choker-flower planter-in-one!

Pull my finger and my neck will sprout a fucking garden.

So the group sing? It’s “One Sweet Day”, the epic duet between Mariah and Boyz II Men. And of course, we open with solos featuring Castro and Kristy Lee, two of the weakest singers when it comes to this genre. Awesome. My ears, they are bleeding. Castro I can sort of forgive, but Kristy’s warbling is flat and sharp at the same time. And the girl can’t help but lunge. When talent fails you, there is always prostitution.

Boob shirt? Check. Ginormous FOX belt buckle? Double Check.

(I know it’s just the FOX logo superimposed on top of Kristy’s crotch area, guys. But still. Smart move.)

Also, have you seen the video of Kristy riding her horse bareback before she sold him? She’s pretty good. Someone shouldn’t have given up her equestrian dreams.

Flipit e-mails me as I am recapping this just to say, and I quote, “OMG that opening number was the most painful EVER.” Concurred. Have I mentioned the devotional/spiritual hand choreography, the funeral dirge-like tempo, and lyrics involving laying down to sleep, never to get up again?

Jesus put a rainbow in my hearrrrrrrrt!

It’s also a perfect Fetus song, because it involves Heaven, Angels, the Lord, and possibly poor people. Woot. Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the door – oh, and here’s the guy who co-wrote last year’s Idol finale song, “This is My Now” (Click if you want the mp3 of Jordin Sparks’ version).

But I really see myself as a rock songwriter, like Matchbox Twenty.

Of course, before we get to elimination time, we have to rehash what happened last night in agonizingly slow flashbacks. Mariah Carey Bootcamp involves the diva giving constructive criticism and suggestions on melody, riffs, and choreography. Oh, and what color socks to wear, because Mariah is always right. Once you’re through with Mariah Bootcamp, you’re ready for the whole world to critique you. Wait, isn’t that the whole purpose of AI?

Fetus: Managed to sing the one song about miracles that is also tied to a Christian full-length animated film, The Prince of Egypt.. Wore leather pants strangely reminiscent of the black dresses Mariah and Whitney wore on the cover of the single. Is the bomb dot com, as usual

Carly: Sang a fave from the Vietnamese karaoke bar songbook, “Without You.”

Brooke:

HAMBURGLAR’ED.

Kristy Lee: Shiny, yet lackluster.
Syesha: Has pipes and impressive hair, but will return to commercial acting.
Castro: Doesn’t wanna cry, but rocks the hippie beach luau anyway. Mmm, roast piggy!
Seabreath: Rips the “Simon for President” poster in half because FOX supports McCain.
David Cook: Made Randy stand up for the first time this with his performance. He should get his own talk show because he’s totally okay with crying on tv.

Mariah wants everybody to win in some way. Well, Kristy can win herself a baseball cap. Randy hulas, mentions Simon’s grass skirt, which Seabreath admits to seeing already. Backstage, the contestants wait anxiously for the show to be over so they can pee already. Kristy Lee is the only one sitting down, practicing to settle herself into a rejection seat. Surprise, this is the week where they divide the contestants into two groups and make the last person guess who the losers are!

Castro is sent out first, and mumbles that he really likes the beach but hasn’t to been one lately. He’s ushered to Seabreath’s left to stand.

David Cook is brought out next in a shiny embossed shirt, to the squeals of the audience. His “Always Be My Baby” was hard to sing because he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He’s sent to the invisible group to Castro’s right. He’s totes safe, though.

Carly comes out to mixed reviews and doesn’t think she held back at all. She also snipes that Simon’s been a bit hard on her, calling Paula and Randy lovely. Simon tells her it’s tough love. Dur. Carly’s sent to the left with Castro.

Kristy Lee’s next (gotta love the Moment of Truth soundtrack pulsing in the background). Did she blow anyone yet, because her time is almost up. She joins the other Cook to Seabreath’s right.

Well, there’s no way Fetus can be ushered out till last, because his side will obviously be the winning/safe side. But first, trickery! Another Idols/Ford commercial involving puppetry. It’s like *NSYNC but worse.

Art imitates life, don’t it?

Fetus sings “Everything I Do” at a Make-A-Wish Fundraiser in 2005

Elliott Yamin has been to Africa and is crooning “Free.” He looks quite rabbinical tonight and could also use a good shave, but his mom just passed away at the end of March, so I admire him for still going out there and singing since this is the first time his mom isn’t in the audience. Even though the song really, really blows. Did you know he’s 90% deaf in his right ear? It’s pretty impressive that even with that handicap, he’s more in tune than half of the remaining contestants.

We know David Cook is safe, ’cause Yamin cribbed the Sharpie-hand message gimmick. Only his is definitely less obnoxious than Cook’s.

My other hand still says “Free Tibet.”

Meanwhile, Seacrest has taken over hosting a revival of The Newlywed Game with the weirdest couples ever.

Where is the weirdest place where you have ever made whoopee ?”

Syesha’s next. Come join…Jason and Carly! This is obviously not the bottom three, with Brooke still left.

Seabreath gently reminds Brooke that she was dubbed a meatless hamburger by Simon, and Brooke, being the person who can never just take criticism, retorts that some vegetarians would appreciate that. Honey, vegans wouldn’t have wanted your hamburger. Also, the Heartland (the majority of the voting bloc) likes their cows dead and patty-shaped. She’s also on the verge of tears again. WAHHHHHHHHH.

Brooke is asked to join the Cooks. Fetus is bewildered and wants to know what the heck is going on, because gosh darn it, he has some scales to sing and some homework to do! How awesome will it be to see the auditorium erupt into a riot of bra-strap grabbing and hair-pulling if Fetus ever gets kicked off? Only in my dreams.

On Seabreath’s left, we have Syesha The Horsey Hair, Carly, and Castro. Syesha is so over it.

On Seabreath’s right we have Two Cooks, one Brooke.

Any other guy would be thrilled to be in this situation.

Fan Question Filler Time!

We learn that Kristy was not able to buy her horse back from the guy who bought it from her. Well, duh, now that you’ve made it this far in the competition, he can make bank on giving pony rides to little girls who aspire to be just like you, Kristy! She holds back some tears as she pleads for her horsey back. Whomp whomp whomp. My cholesterol and blood pressure skyrocketed after I started recapping this show, and I’m only 23. We all make some sacrifices for American Idol.

See? Half her face is still paralyzed.

Someone elderly-sounding asks the judges what’s the first record they remember buying.

Randy: Uh, Led Zep, Beatles, James Brown
Paula: The Jackson 5, Earth Wind and Fire, and Carole King’s “Tapestry”
Simon: He was ten, and it was Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.”

Also, we learn that the song that best describes Paula’s relationship with Simon is “Opposites Attract.” After a teenager proceeds to say hi to every single male contestant on the show.

dk; dc*

(*Don’t know, don’t care, LOLLERSKATES)

Want to see Flipit interviewing Simon in 2002, back when this show was brand spankin’ new? I do. Flipit + Simon = A-MAZING

Moving on, Mariah Carey! Where is T-Pain and her backup dancers? I am going to amuse myself by counting the number of cutouts she has on her teeny black dress. It’s the kind of outfit guys wish their girlfriends would wear, but the sort of thing you can only find at stores with names like Forplay and Bad Behavior, and I’m afraid the top will just tear away from the skirt. There are two wee triangles of flesh peeking out from the sides of her boobs, and it appears to be backless as well. Fortunately, half of Behavior. America is eagerly anticipating the dress’s destruction.

After the SNL performance that cured my insomnia, I wasn’t sure it could get more snoozeworthy. I stand corrected. To the crooning of “Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye” I nodded off like I was a baby again and woke up after Mariah’s performance. I think there was a riff of two in there, and one of her backup singers blew a gasket singing into the whistle/tea kettle range on the harmony. EEEEEEEE.

No applause necessary.

Also, her mic and mic stand were covered in diamondite/Swarovski/super shiny glittery things to match her (real) diamond bracelet. I wonder if it’s worth more than the Victoria’s Secret diamond-studded bra and panties. Well, I can’t fast-forward my TV, nor do I have a TiVo (ironic, considering my name, yes), so all I can do is mute the TV and pray it ends soon.

So all the insinuating that Randy’s been responsible for a lot of Mariah’s success is true. He’s known her since she was a teen, and has been the musical director for a bunch of her tours. Also, it’s kind of creepy that Randy Jackson is old enough to be my dad, but hey, he’s played for Journey on an album.

Ryan doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“Take a picture of us before she walks away from me!”

So Fetus has been kept backstage for nearly the entire episode, brought out to sit on the couch during Elliott and then Mariah’s performance, and sent back again so they can use him to finish their whole choreographed switcheroo Bottom 3 magical mystery. Poor kid, it’s like being shuffled between your broke, neglectful dad who has nothing to offer you than some Cheetos and a plasma screen TV, and your mom, who has a comfy couch and the entire collection of Harry Potter books but forces you to sing for every neighbor she invites over (that’s everyone in the neighborhood within a 15-mile radius)

Our miracle baby is invited to the stage by Ryan, and he walks out resignedly. Fetus looks miserable. He does not appear to like his Zac Efron-approved leather jacket, but honey, that’s what you have to wear when you’re starring in High School Musical 5!

I’ve never been happier in my life.

Ryan puts a hand on his shoulder and asks him for a handie, and then announces that the Fetus is safe from being aborted! Also, did Fetus’ dad get reported to Child Protective Services?

The Boxcar Children Mystery #359: Where Did Daddy Go?

One group is safe. The other has herpes, the clap, gonorrhea, and eczema. Brooke is dying. Fetus is asked to join the group that he thinks is safe. Otherwise, his puppy will be put in a blender by Nigel Lythgoe.

Ryan switches things up with a line he’s been itching to say all night. “We’ve got too many Cooks in the kitchen. David, why don’t you switch with Syesha?” It’s suddenly turned into an episode of Deal or No Deal meets Sophie’s Choice.

Fetus, overcome by stress, poops his pants from the Activia yogurt he’s been eating all day and sits down Indian-style on the floor in imitation of all the poor children from third world countries he’s seen on Christian Children Hunger Networks commercials.

“Got a match? I want to light myself on fire like those monks. For the poor people, who have nothing!”

So you have Syesha and the Dunder Twins of Brooke and Kristy Lee on one side knowing they’re the bottom three, while David, a relieved Carly, and Castro urge Fetus over to their side (which is close to the safety couches, duh). Seacrest starts walking backwards like he’s coaxing an infant, as Fetus says he just wants to stay put. But as Ryan goes closer towards the safe group, Fetus scoots on his tush towards David Cook, who gets down on the floor next to Fetus as a sign of solidary. For Tibet, you know.

“This is nothing like Mormon Scouts.”

The safe kids move towards a defiant Fetus. Castro also shows his solidarity by plunking down next to David Cook, but Carly’s screwed because of her skirt. Seacrest gently demands that Fetus gets up, because Fetus’ sit-down/protest is getting more attention than him.

Duck, duck, goose, dumbass.

Phew. This means another week of seeing Carly’s husband, Tattoo Face, in the audience. Awesome. Speaking of which, here’s Carly insulting the Catholic Church while hurling potatoes.

Dude, the bottom three this week was my pick for last week’s elimination! Does that count for anything? No. I still wish Brooke would just get the eff off my TV, though.
Did America get this right? Paula says it’s down to the point where it’s tough, she’s proud of all of them. Randy declines to state his opinion, and Simon accurately predicts that it’s Kristy’s time to go home. Paula protests, “It could be Ryan!” Right.

Seabreath has the safe kids take a seat, and Carly mock strangles the Fetus. Let your true feelings out, we know you want to kill him for ruining your second shot at stardom.

Triumphant after mounting a three week comeback, Kristy’s all, “At least I made it to the top 10, y’all, and I didn’t even have to swallow . So there.” Syesha is quickly dismissed to the safe couch. No surprise there, your turn is coming, girly. After the nationwide vote, our favorite autistic savant is safe…damn. Brooke starts crying again (Ramiele, much?), as if she’s the one being eliminated, while Kristy Lee tries to shake her off. Montage of the tomboy’s journey from obscurity back into obscurity. Shut up, Ruben Studdard. I do not want to be celebrated home for the umpteenth time. Getting kicked off AI is nothing like coming home from Iraq. Kristy’s swansong is dedicated obviously to Simon, as she perches on the judges table and practically slithers into his lap. Ew. Someone’s going on MILF Island in a few years.

Goodbye, Kristy Lee! I hope you find your pawn shop receipt for that pony!

P.S. I Ken Lee , if living is without you guys!

xo, T.Vo