American Idol: When In Doubt, Sing Veeeery Slooooowly

Tonight on American Idol, Skara says things that I knida agree with two times, most of the girls blow chunks, and OrganiJoplin lives!!

It’s nights like this you wonder how this girl didn’t get on the show.

Tink must be in the doghouse for something cuz they open him up in minority lighting.

Now you know how black people feel.

There was a time when girls couldn’t show their ankles. Then knees were exposed and it was a huge deal. Then shit went crazy and people started showing their shoulders! How we’re all not walking around in underwear by now is completely beyond me. Point is, as a parent, where do you draw the line? Cleavage, apparently.

Just because “blower” is in my job title doesn’t make me your whore, America!! I will only wear sexy dresses with t-shirts underneath!

I don’t know what she’s playing at with that outfit, but we should all just be thankful she’s not wearing jorts. After introducing the contestants, Tink pulls Bowersox/OrganiJoplin aside to welcome her back from the hospital. She says she’s a fighter, but doesn’t say what she’s fighting against. I love a medical mystery!! She could have licked a penny as a kid and is now just suffering from the copper poisoning! Or maybe a paint chip fell into her mouth while she was sleeping and she got lead poisoning! Or maybe she was pregnant and didn’t even know it and now there’s a mystery baby at the Free Clinic wondering when she’s gonna come pick his ass up. Who knows? She’s a hundred times more interesting now, though.

Let’s say hey to the judges!! Happy valentines! I know you’re on a diet so instead of edible chocolates I got you a big black man in a Mr. Rogers sweater! You’re welcome.

Here’s to a sex free Valentines day! Down with chlamydia!

Ellen has gotten rid of her Boy Scouts uniform in favor of this captain’s uniform from Boat Trip. I hope she comes up with a new costume to showcase her lesbianism every episode, cuz it’s getting fun.

For results she’s gonna show up as a softball umpire.

Skara doesn’t have any gayness to showcase, so instead she shows off her receding hairline. Premature female baldness isn’t going to come in fashion, Skar. Stop trying.

You want to steal Simon’s shots? Two can play at that game!!

Could Skara get any further away from Ellen? It’s rude. Simon is a super cheapo t-shirt tonight, but at least he’s showing off his burnt chicken skinned moobs. Is it wrong that this shot makes me hungry?

If it wasn’t for that desperate growth on your arm I’d get a side of ranch dressing and lube you up real good.

Randy, rate the guys! Hot! Fire in their eyes! In it to win it! What dat be! Ellen, how important is song choice on the big seas? She tells a story about singing “Who Let the Dogs Out” at her Nana’s funeral. Ouch. That one tanked hard. Really, Ellen? I know you have a lot of jokes to come up with in one day with two jobs and all, but wow. Now Tink does an impression of when he first met Teri Hatcher at a karaoke party at Marc Cherry’s house.

You’re so pretty! What? I can’t hear you! Bend down! You look like a really pretty rubber skeleton! Let’s make out when we’re drunk! What? Oh! I’m singing “I Honestly Love You!” How bout you! Yes! I’d love a cosmo it’s my fave drink! Put it in a sippy cup though!

Tink asks Skara why she’s so far up Simon’s ass this year. She tries to change the subject by saying that he’s rolling his eyes less. “You want me, don’t you?” Simon drawls. “There’s a lot of competition this year from all the boys.” First off, ew. Second, if Skara’s husband hasn’t divorced her by the end of the season he’s one giant pussy. Tink ignores her idiocy and moves on to Simon since he knows Skar will be in the shot anyway. Simon says the girls shouldn’t forget the words. Then he punches out and goes to a check cashing place to see how much they charge to cash a thirty million dollar check.

OrganiJoplin is up first. She shows off a baby picture, and she has a twin!! She’s also had giant bags under her eyes since she was tiny. Drug addiction starts young, people. Watch your kids!

Benicio del Joplin

She’s very different from her brother. He’s a square, which is a nice way of saying he didn’t get pregnant as a teenager, he washes his hair, and he has a job. She tells us about little trinkets she’s collected over the years from people who didn’t have change on them while she panhandled. Bottle caps, gum wrappers, little notes that say “get a job you lazy bitch.” Hey! I think that one was from me! I won’t give you change, but advice is freeeeeee!!!

Last week, Simon told her he could hear her performance outside any subway station in the country. Well what a coincidence! She used to perform on the subways all the time. I’ll pause while you guys get over your shock. You done? I hope every week Simon gives criticism that relates to homelessness so we get more backstory. “That song sounded like you pulled it out of the dumpster.” “Coinky! I used to make five course meals out of shit from the dumpster!”

I lost my first tooth from biting into half a Snickers Bar that froze in the winter trash.

Tonight, she’s singing CCR’s “See the Light” and she’s doing it gospel style. She’s out to prove that she can make Simon stop and listen on the subway. Not that he takes the subway. We get a shot of his trailer. Idol Gives Back my cornhole. That thing costs more than all the kids in Haiti and Chile combined.

Don’t worry kids. Dora the Explorer mosquito nets are on their way.

Tink makes fun of Simon’s giant trailer, but the site of it has given Skara a labia boner.

Labboner

OrganiJoplin starts by wailing to an organ and sounds great. She can sing the blues, which is no shocker. It’s kind of the same performance as last week with a much better song. She doesn’t make one mistake in this song and kicks its ass. I didn’t feel anything, but that’s my fault cuz I refuse therapy. She’s gonna need to innovate if she wants America to keep her though. Like the shamwow guy. Randy loved it, Ellen is glad she’s not dead, Skara says it was a complete recovery from last week. And…yesterday? I don’t even think Skara knows that she’s being witty. Simon drinks some Captain Morgan’s from his coke cup and says that she was legitimately ill and chose to sing well instead of using the sympathy card. He underestimated her and even says she’s like Kelly Clarkson. Shot of her family. Aw, uniform crinkly eyes!!

Organi tells Tink she didn’t think she’d be alive this week. Simon’s complimented her so she’s totes safe to play the sympathy card now. At least she didn’t bring up singing in church. God deserves a break.

This family knows how to wear stripes. Take note, Randy. They’re really five hundred pounds.

Haley Vaughn is next. She’s nervous, but not so nervous that she can’t smile big. It took a lot of guts to steal that poinsettia out of the lobby and tape it to her head, so let’s give her some credit.

She sang Beatles last weak and this week she’s youthing it up with Miley Cyrus. aslpdigw[aorighasl[gbnagago[gwoi “Ith tho excthiting to have funth!” Ugh. Take out your mouth guard. Your teeth won’t all smoosh together if you break the rules for three seconds. Poor girl probably wonders why no one invites her to lunch. It’s cuz they don’t want little bits of your salad all over their faces. She admits to Tink that in real life she’s thuper inthecure. Aw. I hope no one sends her a link to this blog. It’s all for fun, little one! No, don’t answer I don’t have enough paper towels to converse with you right now. Shhh. Let’s just hug.

In her video package she tells us that her hobby is making her own headbands. Ya don’t say! There she sits all cutely with her Elmer’s glue. Have you guys been to Etsy.com? Don’t waste your time. Go to Regretsy.com instead. It’s hilarious, and I have a feeling we might see our girl there in no time. She let Green Mile try on one of her headbands, and it makes him look like Macy Gray in Idlewild.

I don’t remember this, but Haeleyeleyeth says that all of the judges were nice to her last week except Simon, who called her a wind up doll. She’s totes happy and bubbly all the time you guys. This is her trying to make a mean face.

You’re still and yet there is spit all over my screen.

She just CAN’T. NOT. SMILE. People who smile that much are usually super evil serial killers. She’s singing “The Climb”, and when she starts I’m so happy I’m not actually watching Miley Cyrus that I’m cheering. She stays on key, even through her first belt section. By the time the chorus comes, though, she’s all smiles and lisps and I long for Miles. If you make me wish I was listening to Miley instead of you….well, it should be punishable by death. On this show, there’s always the issue of people who can really sing and can’t choose the right songs, and then there are the people who can’t sing but they can really perform. This girl? Can’t do either. That was one hundred percent pain. WHY IS SHE HERE?

It didn’t work for Randy, and he even uses the word excruciating. The biggest shocker is that he knows that word. Ellen says Haeleyee has a great smile, which is equal to Paula’s “pretty dress.” Hey you guys, Haeleyeyeee does know how to not smile!!

Glad you learned something from your time here.

Skara rubs up on Simon a lot and says that Vowel has a lot of people rooting for her even though she can’t sing. Simon doesn’t want to make it even more painful, so he just calls it a mess. Then he does make it more painful and says “there’s an irony about you singing a song about climbing when you fell off.” LOL. Tink says “what good did that do?” Tink has spent too much time in the toaster today and he’s very grouchy. I wonder when it’s gonna be popular for people to just be pasty again. Probably when I start tanning. Bastards.

Who beat Girl Gayken upside the head?!?!

If this hair doesn’t distract you from my shitty vocals, nothing will.

Tink asks Gayken how the schedule shift worked out and she says it was good for her cuz she had more time to plan on how horribly she was gonna mangle tonight’s song. In her video, she says that she likes to refurbish antiques. Way to drum up the interest, there, kid. Her mom told her she was here to be a star so she’s gonna do it!! She blames her hideous performance last week on nerves and says this week she’s gonna do a song that Skara recommended so the judges can’t bitch. Oh, they still will. They don’t remember what they said two seconds ago.

The thing about this girl is that it sounds like she can probably sing really well but can’t quite get it together on stage. Does that make sense? She seems a lot more confident today, if the hair is any indication. She’s a half note flat through the whole song, and all I wanna do right now is burn antiques. Randy’s like uh…no. He blames Skara for the song. LOL. He says she brought nothing new to it. Ellen thought it was “adorable.” That’s what she said to Tim Urban about a million times last week, so in other words “wow you’re cute in pictures.” Skara compliments her own song choice for showing off her tone, but says she needs to push harder. Simon looks off into the distance like he’s watching a giant clock. He says it was marginally better but compared to OrganiJoplin she’s an asshole and should be turned into sausage. Gayken doesn’t get it, and she never will.

Katie’s next! Her friends in high school think she’s awesome cuz she’s on American Idol!! She’ll be trying to act more youthful this week, too! What we don’t know about her is that she can ask for a kiss in six languages. Damn, ho! I didn’t see the slut factor happening. She’s lucky her grandmother won’t remember she said that in the morning. Before she performs she jumps up and down and calls herself awesome like that girl from the first audition. LOL. But does your stomach hit your chin when you do it ? NO. FAIL. She’s singing that “Put Your Records On” song, which has tortured me in Starbucks ever since it came out. Katie is so dorky and awkward that I am always surprised when she opens her mouth cuz she can actually sing. She has a deep, country-ish voice, and it’s lovely. Unfortunately, she’s as exciting as an eye boogar forming in the corner of your eye.

Do you feel it forming?

She’s goodish through the whole song and her last note is high and lovely, but still I pause the tv just to throw spit wads at the target on her forehead.

Randy thinks that the bright moments were her high notes but she was mostly boring. Ellen thinks she’s still too old and needs to get younger. She doesn’t want to hear dentist office music. The crowd boos Ellen and Katie says “it’s ok guys”. Thanks for your permission, foreign people maker outer. Skara says a lot but I can’t listen cuz she sounds like a toilet flushing. Simon? Bored. Katie tells Tink that to be younger she’s gonna research and look up stuff. LOL. How To Be Younger: Retin A, Fish Oil Pills, New Face, New Boobs, Lots of Masturbation. Tink asks her if she likes Justin Beiber. LOLOLLL. Tink needs to get some. From someone not old enough to grow hair around their wiener, from the sound of it.

You had your turn, Joplin!

DoDo is next. She keeps wiping her nose like a coke head, but insists that she’s just nervous cuz she’s nervous. OK then. You should have an autobiography. She was the mascot in high school. What kind of high school has the Blair Witch as their mascot?

This is sick.

Pre performances, she prays and meows as a vocal warmup before pooping on gravel in the greenroom. She looked up the word “indulgent” after Simon called her that last week to “look into the context”. Wow. She read the definition and still doesn’t get it. I look forward to giving her money for my slurpee at the Hollywood 7-11. What a twit. She’s gonna do “Lean on Me.” Darn. My guess was wrong. I thought she was gonna do a song from an iPhone commercial. You know the one that sounds like a five year old singing? I guess that’s all of them.

Anyway, she’s really changing the song up. The people in charge of stage lighting are doing their best to point out how vomitous her outfit is tonight, and for that I love them.

Take a hint, lady.

She hits more notes than she did last week, but she misses a lot too. This week she adds some belt action into it and it’s a huge improvement. Singing so loudly, it’s harder for her to imitate some drunk singer on the top of the Indie charts, and it works. She sounds mostly good!! But damn when she’s off she’s really off. I know a lot of you don’t like that I compare her to CawCaw from last year, but to me they’re the same beings. Dumb pretty girls with talent but not enough brains to figure out how to use it. Another boring ass performance. Randy hated the song choice cuz it was too soulful. Ellen loves her voice but wasn’t into the song choice. Skara says flat out “it wasn’t good.” She keeps talking, and seriously she needs to stop talking. Simon congratulates DoDo for continuing the cat theme through the song. BWHAHAHA. She had an opportunity to sing and wasted it on a lame song. She cries. Tink tells her to turn it into lemonade, and she doesn’t even have the strength to ask who gave the lemon AIDS in the first place.

Michelle is next. Tink asks her how confusing the judges are, and she answers that the judges are super important. Kiss ass!! She’s gonna take a risk today by singing “Arms Wide Open” by Creed. In her video, she tells us that she’s a kids choir director at church. She says kids are so raw and real that she wants to be like that. She prays and meditates before shows so she can plan out exactly what she wants to happen on the stage. So another piece of evidence that prayer doesn’t work. I still have faith dammit!! I get that she’s trying to be positive and stuff, but all I can see is a girl who’s hiked up her skirt to pee in an alley.

That’s illegal, you know.

The song is an interesting choice, and she has a nice voice. Not really buying it, but she hasn’t bored me into a near coma so I predict that she will win the night, cuz that’s saying a lot for this crew. She falls a bit in the belt section. And when I say a bit I mean on her face. She looks like she’s singing well, but the girl doesn’t have a lot of power. If you can’t belt? DON’T. The first half was pretty, the second half blew. Randy likes her skirt, but she did nothing with the song. Ellen thinks that she did do a lot with the song and gives her credit for almost being good. Skara says it was her favorite performance of Michelle’s cuz it was at least believable and she has a good attitude. Huh? They’ve all had a good attitude. How was that any better than anyone else tonight? She couldn’t sing half of it! Simon agrees with Skara and admits to giving contradictory advice and says that she got a solid b. Then he asks Vera Wang if she liked it!! HOLLER! VERA!! Wait. Why are they showing Lisa Bonet from ten years ago? I don’t get it.

Simon points out that Randy is in a shitty mood, but Randy says he likes the Wang dress and Michelle should stay. Unless she plans on not wearing skirts that looks like they’re being pulled off of her. Then she can leave. Lilly is next, and she tells us that the coaches have been teaching her how to have charisma, which means staring into the camera a lot.

I see your future, and it involves lots of dick jokes.

In her video, Lilly tells us about all the instruments she plays. She can even fart with her arm pits! She also uses throat spray. I’m really glad this show is two hours. She’s singing “A Change is Gonna Come” and she’s gonna do it with a twelve string guitar. She’s another one who sounds like she’s imitating Yael Naim to me, but people seem to be into that sort of thing this year. Her look is unique, and it’s cool that she can play instruments, but her voice sounds like millions of other imitations. When she belts she goes way off and squeezes it out of her nose and throat so hard I can’t believe snot didn’t pop out. By the end, she’s shaky and in a completely different key than the song. Simon watched these rehearsals and still said the girls are better than the boys? Sorry, but no. And hey! VERA WANG IS WHITE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? How has an Asian person not sued her yet? This is like when that dude lied about being an addict in a book and had to go on TV to say sorry to book club readers.

You owe Oprah an apology, lady.

Randy says this season has the most unique contestants ever. That’s like calling one gallon of milk whiter than another. Randy loved it and calls it his fave of the night. Ellen says Lilly has “it”. Chicken pox? ADD? WHAT? Skara loved it too and says Lilly had a “moment”. Seriously you guys? What’d I miss? Simon says that she’s relevant. He needs to stop using that word. It just doesn’t sound right on a show about manufacturing crappy pop stars on purpose. He wasn’t crazy about it and says she oversang it a bit. He finishes by saying OrganiJoplin was better. Slam. Well, I’m confused. Stiffler’s Mom is next, and she’s like an updated Long John’s Silver employee tonight.

She tells Tink that she’s not planning on being “super epic”. I can’t wait til she does decide to go super epic. Whip out some Dances With Wolves on our asses. We don’t know that she was studying to be a recording engineer and before she performs she likes to goof off cuz if you’re not ready you’re not ready. She came back as way less of a ho today to please Skara, She’s singing “The Scientist” by Coldplay and she’s gonna play the piano to boot! I think she’s got the strongest voice so far, even when she misses a couple notes. She seems a bit confused having to play and sing at the same time, cuz she’s going super slow. The song sounds like it’s trying to make it out of a pit of oatmeal. That said, her vocals are great and I love the faces she makes.

She blows a little riff, but she’s making me feel it and I’m kinda in love with her right now. Maybe it’s cuz she was preceded by such snorers, or maybe it’s cuz she’s making sneeze face for me.

Cover your mouth!

One thing she’s got over the rest is that the girl knows how to feel it. Randy liked it even though it was too slow and she missed some notes. Ellen liked the guitar. LOL. Ellen was so bored she almost fell asleep cuz it was so slow. She said if she was a babysitter the baby would be asleep. We have been waiting for Skara to turn into the new Paula, but the way Ellen’s going it might be her. She makes less sense every time she opens her mouth. Skara says “I kinda love you”. Wait. We agree! I have to go change all my opinions now. Skara says she’s all over the place but good at all the different styles she sings. Simon didn’t understand what Skara said and then says Stiffler’s Mom was good but she gets corny when she performs but it was a million times better than last week. I thought she was the best last week too so I’m out in the cold here. LOVE HER.

Paige is next and has cotton mouth cuz she’s a stoner. Wasn’t it just commercial break? She’s the type to have to pull over and pee right when you leave the truck stop. We will never drive to Disneyland together. She tells us in her video that she likes to color. Um…..I’m just gonna move on. I can see why she usually wears colored contacts, cuz without them she looks like Sheri Shephard.

Elizabeth is right, y’all!

She got the most compliments last week, so she’s gonna sing Kelly Clarkson tonight. Snapple: Too Confident Too Quick Flavor. It’s so exciting that Simon starts pulling cheese out of his flip flopped toe.

He’s so got a Scrabble game going on under there.

She sings the song to the same arrangement on the radio. She has a nice voice, but she’s no Kelly and proves it when she reaches for the high notes and cracks on all of them. The belt is better, but then she has more high notes. Ouch. Her vibrato’s so damn fast. She sounds like a baby who’s crying so hard it’s shaking and has throw up coming down her face. Skara wrote that song? Wow. That’s actually one I like. Ok this is the second time in one night I’ve like Skara. This needs to end. Randy didn’t think the song choice was good for her and then kinda makes fun of the song. LOL. Ellen loved it. Skara thinks she could have a hit with her great song, but the song was written about a terrible relationship and there were no smiles there so she shouldn’t be smiling so much. Then Paige smiles big. Simon thinks she chose the wrong song two weeks in a row and she’s getting lost in her choices. His advice is to nail it next time if she’s not booted and sent home with a coloring book that Skara wrote.

Siobhan is last, and very slowly says that her plan is to not think too hard. She tells us that she used to have a mohawk. She describes how she gave herself the cut, and she’s cute and funny. Then she does lip trills for warmups while pointing at her nose. This girl’s a kook. I love her super slow speech pattern. She’s like Rain Man played by Geena Davis. She’s singing Aretha’s “Think” tonight. That’s some balls. She does it like the original, which isn’t wise. She gets a little shrill at parts, but her voice really shines as she starts belting it out. Still, why are you singing this song, cracker? Aretha could eat you for breakfast, and she would if she could still fit out the door of the house to come out. The high yell at the end is hilarious, and she actually nails it!! Wow. I didn’t see that coming.

You’re just a snack pack to Aretha girl. You better step off.

She was so good last week. She didn’t suck this week, but she definitely wasn’t as interesting. The audience goes crazy for her, and that’s the first time that’s happened since OrganiJoplin went. Randy gives her credit for kicking ass on an Aretha song. Ellen loved it too and compares her to a Snuggie. HAHAH. Weird but awesome. Skara thinks that she must hit high notes cuz she’s a glass blower. Sio says she learned to scream like that from Kelly Clarkson in the shower. Ellen looks jealous. Simon says that she’s a weirdo and parts of the song sucked but that note was incredible and he’s happy that she’s interesting. Simon wants to be ruder, but he can’t stop smiling.

So, another full on lackluster night. I liked Sio and slow ass Stiffler’s Mom the best tonight. I could have done without the others. OrganiJop can sing, but I just can’t stand panhandlers. What do you think? See you this weekend for resluts!

My bets: Heaaeleeye, Girl Gayken, Jermaine and Long Duck John are out. They should rest easy though, cuz I am always wrong about this stuff.