American Idol: You Must Hate Me, America

There are times on American Idol where you’re left saying “Well, that was quite a shocker”, and there are times that you’re throwing Little Caesars at the TV and screaming “ROOBBBBBBBBBEEED!”

Guess what kinda night this was for me?

Did you do enough to save your favorite Idol, America? That question at the beginning of the results hour has always really pissed me off. Well, Tink, I’ve devoted a minimum of TWO HOURS a week of my life and countless dollars (seriously, no one could count the amount I shelled out) during Idol Gives Back. Now I’m supposed to feel guilty that I somehow didn’t SAVE one of these bozos from a life of dinner theater reviews in Branson, Missouri and shelling out complimentary massages at Relax the Back stores for the rest of their lives? Get off my ass, fairy! I did my part! I have a little Brooke doll that I stick pins in and chant nonsensically at week after week. I’ve seen my entire adult life what voting brings…

Screw that. Now I’m using positive visualization.

My point is, I’m not drinking any more of your guilt juice!

You mean to tell me Aloha’s crushed dreams were all my fault? WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Things are as they should be tonight. Randy’s in a jacket 30 years too young for him, Paula can’t clap straight, and Simon is cuddling up to her and acting mortified that the fairy just kissed him on the mouth. Don’t worry butch, I don’t imagine gay America will be clamoring to get you at our rallies any time soon.

I was hoping that since it was Andrew Lloyd Webber week, the little virtuoso would stand center stage and sing “Everything’s As If We Never Said Goodbye”, Norma Desmond’s belt it to the rafters number from “Sunset Boulevard” but no luck. Well, kinda luck. It looks like Nigel’s sprung for a homely little crooked toothed puppet of the master for an Avenue Q tribute.

Everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes…

The boys start off the “All I Ask Of You Medley” in their falsettos and it hurts. Cook winks and eye caresses the camera, Castro tries to find a pocket to stick his thumb in as he twitches for his notes, and Fetus is dead fish eyed as ever. Last night I kept screaming “Don’t make him open his eyes! It’s his only escape from his daaaaaaddddyyy!” No one could hear me from my shoebox apartment in East Hollywood, and now the Fetus is traumatized. I hope you’re proud of yourself, ALW!

The girls are up next. Syesha is “animated”, which as we learned last night, means that she has an eyebrow raised really high up as she stares into the camera like the “working actress” she is. Carly is firmly on it tonight, and she sounds so good that it’s off, because she’s the only one out of the six who seems able to handle the song. Brooke still blows chunks, and her shortcomings are way more obvious sandwiched between two actual real life singers.

Reeeeach! That’s all I ask of you. And I don’t care what anyone says, that is not a 24 year old neck.

Andrew Lloyd Webber is absolutely hilarious to watch. I wish Brooke would, because she would see that he’s playing the piano WITHOUT STARING AT THE KEYS. Imagine that. He’s both proud of his music and amazed at his own talent as he performs, and he follows the roaming camera like it’s just swooping around all these brats to get better shots of him. Oh, Andrew. There’s no such thing as a better shot of you. I have to give him some credit here, because he doesn’t look like having anyone fired for turning his work into a lifeless, choppy Christian-radio sounding song, so cheers, ALW.

The best part of the number comes at the end. By now, he’s singing along with them and trying to get the idols to understand rhythm and they are all off. He has no problem giving them a dirty look on stage. LOL, ALW. Maybe they were confused by the teeny bopper extras in the mosh pit, who still haven’t figured out how to sway their raised arms to the beat. Key change! HAHA is that really necessary? The audience starts screeching, and I figured they were probably running for the exits, because it sounds like a nuclear warning siren just went off. Love it. I hope you sold some Phantom tickets in Vegas, tiger. I hope you sold out.

Right. Left. Right. Left. Still no? Moving on.

PS If you enjoyed this watered down bs, get your tickets for AI LIVE! You’ll get another three hours of it! Tink leads us through a recap of last night. First off, T.Vo, you were not wrong. Syesha totally boned the beginning of her song. Unlike someone else, though, she got her shit together and went on. Simon got a boner and then told her that she would be relegated to Broadway for the rest of her life. That’s not my snooty tone, it’s his.

The Fetus performed a beautiful if somewhat driftwood-y version of “Think of Me” while wearing a smaller version of the jacket Randy’s wearing tonight, Brooke screwed up again and then lied about it (which was my hands down favorite moment of the season, btw), Castro gave Kermit the Frog a run for his money, Carly sang her ass off and then ruined it all with her personality (did she have two t-shirts waiting in the wings with the PA, or did she just know that she wouldn’t suck?), and Cook did a respectable job with a really tough song. Best judgment of the night came from Paula, who told Brooke after a looooooong, awkward, Ambien pause: “You can’t stop and start.” Record a robot’s voice onto a track and move your lips to it, dipshit. Duh.

Tink sits ALW down in one of the awkward space stools on the stage and throws questions at him. Personally, I am charmed by the tiny Brit. His arms are flinging all over the place and he’s always shifting his eyes back and forth like he’s waiting to catch a fly with his tongue. Tink brings up last night’s incident, otherwise known as Brooke’s latest fuck up. He says “for the first time ever on this stage, Brooke stopped and started again.” Come on now, we all know that’s bs. What’s with all the lying? ALW says stopping and starting happens all the time, and it happened on the judges panel last night too. Oh snap, Broadway. Simon points to Paula, who in turn regurgitates Brooke’s stale ass excuse:

They even have the same neck!

ALW continues on that Brooke was good in rehearsal and has a decent career (as a nanny) ahead of her, and some brat in the mosh pit tries to do the “I’m crushing your head!” thing to Brooke’s face with her hands.

Aim higher, kid.

ALW says that Castro didn’t take his advice and he completely agreed with Simon and there is no way anyone could have been happy with the performance. LOVE IT! Get this man his own show! Tink asks him if he wrote a love song for Paula and Simon, what would he title it? “Cruel” Good answer. Then he twitches and jerks back so far that he almost falls off his stool. Whistle Down the Wind aside, I love this little man.



American Idol Postage Stamps: If ever you needed a reason to go green and use email instead. This week’s stamp is my fave of all time, Fantasia Barrino, and all I can do is close my eyes, shake my head, and whisper “grrrrrrrrl”.

Were any of you one of the five people who saw that AI spoof American Dreamz, where the President of the US was so desperate for decent poll numbers that he showed up on the show? Remember how stupid and almost funny that was?

Blah blah blah. WHY IS MY GAS ALMOST FIFTY DOLLARS A WEEK, BITCHES?

I’ll spare you a disgusted, revolted political rant and just say this: Laura looks more brainwashed than the Fetus.

Elimination time. Too bad the Bushes aren’t on the stage. Sorry, I can’t help it. Cook and The Fetus are up first. Tink asks Simon if he still thinks The Fetus sucks, and Simon’s eating candy. LOL. No, he didn’t suck, he just wasn’t as good as previous weeks. Cook says he didn’t change up the arrangement of his song because ALW is the most brill ever (wouldn’t go that far) and Fetus says that he’s always a little nervous but….who cares? NEXT WEEK IS NEIL DIAMOND WEEK!! Lolollllllll. In case you haven’t watched this show, like ever, they’re both safe.

And now a special sneak peak of Will Smith’s new movie. It looks retarded, but it’s not called I Am Legend, so it should be a step up. Back from break, we get to see all of the Idols who have been on Broadway. Gayken’s in Spamalot? Holy crap, I am going to NYC tomorrow. I didn’t know a young Shirley McClain was even a role in that show! Way to squash those gay rumors.

Give it a couple decades. She’ll be playing Ouisa in Steel Magnolias: The Musical

I keep pressing pause to get funny screencaps of Clay, but there are just too many. I’m freaking out the DVR.

Will Wonka and The Fudge Packing Factory

Clay does Cook





…I was mistaken for a tranny three times.

Oh yeah, and Tamyra Gray is also interviewed, but as usual I can’t hear a thing she’s saying because I’m paying attention to someone else. Since they won’t let ALW sing (boooo), we are treated to the winner of 2006′s X Factor, Miss Leona Lewis. Simon takes full credit for her raging success (of course) and then gives a shout out to Clive Davis, too. You know, the guy who actually does the work.

I have Leona’s album (gay as day, yessir. Step off) so I already have guilty love for her, but I have never seen her perform live before. I googled her before her song started and the first article that came up was about being a success in the US meant getting Mariah’s trainer. LOL. Since Leona has been called the new Mariah, the reporter went to the diva herself. The article quotes Mariah as saying “Honestly, there has been so many, ‘This is the new her,’ and I’m like, ‘OK, show me the new her. And I’m not particularly talking about this girl Leona, because I only heard her once and I didn’t really hear a true similarity, particularly in the style of music.” Now I have loved me some Mariah over the years, but after watching her performance last week on this show, I am very thankful there are no similarities in the styles of music and I am equally as thankful that Leona is willing to come out an belt her ass off in three octaves instead of trying to reinvent herself into something palatable for a different generation than her own.

Leona sings her face off beautifully, even though the song’s a little cheesy, and there’s not one contestant on AI this year (or in the past three) that can hold a candle to her. When huge pillars of fire erupt during her performance, all I can think is:

Smoke it if you’ve got it, Mariah. You’re gonna need it.

Back to reality. Brooke and Syesha are out next. Tink reiterates all of Syesha’s kudos, and then he makes a big L with his hand and puts it to his forehead when he talks to Brooke. Syesha says that she was so much better last night because musicals let her be someone else, namely “someone fun”. HA. Brooke sticks up for her choice to stop and says that she’s making more of an effort not to sassafrass the judges. That’s real big of you. SHE’S SAFE!!! WTF???? Syesha slaps her hip and doesn’t even try to hide that fact that that’s total BULLSHIT. COME ON!!!! Brooke apologizes to Sy, who’s like “shut up, ho. Go pout in the corner and give me my stage time.”

But I thought America had all the power! This isn’t right!

Oh yeah. Never mind.

Is this Brooke’s husband?

Now this guy I believe has never seen an R rated movie.

Paula tells Syesha not to feel bad. She should be used to being in the bottom three by now and should be proud to be on that stool. Umkay, thanks dear. Syesha smiles at first, but once she’s on that stool she’s visibly pissed. I am sending her my Brooke voodoo doll. When we come back from break, she’s crying. Awww.

Carly and Castro are last. Tink reminds Carly that Simon finally liked her work and Jason whispers to her “Probably the kiss of death”. HAHA, and most likely. Carly says that she chose her song because she has been choosing songs to showcase her singing ability instead of having fun like she did last night, so from now forward she will be having fun. Pretty confident there. Castro’s not. Tink keeps reminding him how much he sucked and instead of sticking up for his song choice, he just says “I don’t wanna sing it again.” HAHAHAHAH. Sure, Castro bit it last night, but he’s done some nice work so far in general and come on, he’s good times. HEY! I was being nice cuz I figured he was in the bottom, but HE’S SAFE!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. Fuckin tweens.

Tink asks Simon for an opinion. Simon says Castro wasn’t good but he was charming and even though Brooke boned it, she showed that she was human. Grating, lying, and a hundred percent annoying, but human. Carly is forced to sing again, and I guess singing a song second guessing Jesus was a bad move on her part. No one in Middle America’s voting for Judas. Syesha has to sing again too, and this time she starts with the beat. The opening’s a little weak because she just finished crying, but she gets it together and starts rolling her eyes at the cameras. HAHA. Carly spends her entire number talking on the side to Tink, who has found someone new to join him and Teri for gay Thai karaoke night in East Hollywood. Point is, nice job, Sy.

Just a sidenote question here: how can Paula even breathe tonight? I think she keeps standing because she’s trying to get some air. Loosen that corset, lady!

Back from break, Randy says that the bottom two are surprising and this is all due to a popularity contest and then Paula babbles. CARLY’S OUT? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? The audience is completely silent. WOW. Guess what Brooke does? SHE POUTS.

Now for a montage of Carly moments, starting with her tearful monologue to the camera when she got her golden ticket. It’s about being so close to fame and success and never being able to grab hold of it. She cries and tries to make herself believe that this is her year. Owie. Poor thing. Simon apologizes for giving her the kiss of death (a compliment) but says she should hold her head high. She says that she’s proud of herself and isn’t sad and thanks him for bringing them all this far. Aw. She’s a talented girl and she never really had her breakout moment. Castro, Brooke and Syesha are still in da house. Totally ROBBED. What do you guys think? I’m mortified. And it’s officially time to put a hit out on Brooke.

Poor thing. Back to soothing her hubby’s face with cotton swabs and rubbing alcohol.