American Idol: Yell Art

Tonight on American Idol, we get yelled at. A lot.

The lights come up on Tink and for a second he looks like he doesn’t know what the hell’s going on.

Is this thing on?

After seeing what he’s about to deal with, I don’t blame the poor thing for looking scared. The contestants are in a very scary formation tonight. Together they make up a human hallway of bad, bad, frighteningly bad bad hair.

The judges must have told off the Glam Squad last week and forced this follicle nightmare, because as they are announced, they are all looking down in shame and regret.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

I love that Paula has decided not to even try to compete with Skara’s figure. She’s like “just add giant hips to my dress cuz I don’t have the energy today to fight the bitch.” And Simon’s famous butt cut? Is out of control. He looks like Grace Jones tonight, only older. And whiter. And richer. And teeth bleachier. And with a giant ass crack in the center of his head.

After Randy gives his expert opinion on the show so far: “it’s gettin’ tougher, dude”, Tink asks Skara why she said artistry nine hundred and forty three times last week. She says that artistry is artistic art and artists should articise the art of artistry. Tink asks Paula if she’s got anything under the table tonight and she just smiles and reaches down to make sure she tucked. Simon says he’s looking forward to Tink and “the artists” being amazing tonight. No mention of the contestants.

Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin are here tonight, and I’m wondering how long it’s gonna take Lisa to pull out her “HONK TO RAISE THE AGE LIMIT TO FIFTY” sign. Sorry, but there’s already enough desperation packed on the stage, kid.

I have diet coke cans just waiting under my car seat for moments like this. Duck, skank!

Tink says tonight’s theme is “cool”, and I can’t wait to see what Tink thinks is “cool”.

Meanwhile, Little is trying to figure out if he has plugs as he passes by.

It’s a new theme tonight! They can sing whatever they want, as long as it’s a popular download on iTunes. Just checked iTunes, and the choices are Keith Urban, the Twilight soundtrack, and Hannah Montana. UGH. Maybe they can choose anything off the front page. I hope someone gets really creative and sings an episode of 24. Terrorism needs a musical.

iTunes isn’t the only plug tonight, we also get to go to Tink’s radio show to “get a taste of digital airplay”. OOoooh. Mouse clicking. On their way there, Anoop does a rude imitation of Blind Guy and Church Lady takes off his bra. These wacky kids.

Church Lady: Those wires are just restricting, you know?

Anoop: Who’s talking? Allison? Is that you?

Tink tells the contestants that American Idols have had 29 hits in the Top 40 and pics of Carrie Underwood, David Cook and Kelly Clarkson flash on the screen. HEY! Where’s Fantasia? She had a song in the Top 40 too! I can’t remember the name and I don’t want to hear it ever again, but still. Love you Tasia! Go back to the Color Purple, girl! Tink shows them all the exciting things he gets to do all day. Mouse clicks. And saying the names of songs. WOWEEEE! They all look really impressed. Especially Anoop.

Anoop is first and he’s singing “Caught Up”, but Usher. Before he even begins I know this is gonna be craptacular. WHY, ANOOP? WHY? Because he wants to go back to doing what he did in the Top 36. SUCKING? Why would you want to go back there? Because he wants to remind us of all that stage presence. I just slapped my head really hard, and I have a feeling it’s gonna hurt much less than this performance. Apparently, stage presence means areola rubbing.

His song starts with the backup singers on stage going “hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!” I guess the producers thought the least they could do is show some blackness for this one, cuz Anoop? Has none.

This song has been brought to you by two seconds of soul.

His voice sounds pretty good, actually. And even if it didn’t, his “Don’t You Think I’m Sexy?” faces would have been enough to keep me entertained.

Especially when it looks like he’s wearing a really cheap purse strap as an accessory.

Mmmm. Shoulder pads and purse straps. Anyone have a boner yet?

Anoop said in his intro video that he chooses songs that he thinks people will relate to. I think his problem is that he sees himself being related to by sex symbols we all wanna see naked. If he wants his audience to relate to him, he should sing songs about the tax codes or some shit. His misguided sex symbol ego and ridiculous song choice aside, he sings pretty well tonight, even though he’s bland and vanilla as ever. Watching him tug at his clothes and rub on himself, though, made it all worth it.

Do the one about multiplication tables!

The audience goes nuts for him. Randy thinks he got the swagger down and had decent vocals but it was the wrong song. Skara hasn’t talked yet, but from the look on her face, it’s not gonna be pretty. Or Paula farted.

Why did I get stuck in this damn seat?

None of Anoop’s friends are happy with that critique, but this one looks like he’s about to start crying.

Skara thinks that if you do Usher you need to show riffs and range and Anoop just basically copied the original. You know what that is, Anoop? Well it’s not ARTISTRY, that’s fo sho. He tries to argue, but she’s like “uh, meh. No.” Then she says it seems like a bunch of frat boys dared him to do that song. LOL.

Woops. My bad.

Paula loves that he went back to the playful side and his vocals were good. Then she starts yammering: “I would just work more on…a little bit more on…the stage…p….presence and instead of a lot of…stuff going back and forth but…create some signature…(shrug) hits…or stabs.” Wow. I’m trying to listen to her, but her boobs are inverting right before our very eyes.

Simon says to just ignore Paula. HA. He says the song was a complete and utter mess.

He came off as a wannabe and gave Simon a headache. Tink asks Anoop, since he was clenching his jaw and biting his tongue during her critique, to tell Skara off. Oh, Tink, that was before Simon called him a wannabe copycat mess. Who cares? Anoop disagrees. Noted. He says that they told him to show them who he wants to be as an artist and that he sang off one of the most popular R&B albums of all time, so there. Then he nods like he just made some kind of valid snap. Congratulations on Usher’s album, Anoop. ??

Neckchin up.

Megan Doi is up next with Bob Marley. Huh? Wow. There are gonna be a lot of pissed off pot heads after this one. We would all revolt, but well, we don’t have any energy. Gee, I wonder if she’s gonna look gorgeous tonight.

Sooooooo predictable.

She’s doing the Lauren Hill version of “Turn Your Lights Down Low”. You better hope the lighting guy doesn’t turn those lights too low or your ass will be out. She tells us in her video that the judges “punched me in the mouth” last week, and it’s an awesome mental picture. She’s positive that she’s gonna kick ass this time, though, cuz this is a song she looooooves.

WOW. She’s….the same as always. Off key, scratchy, cartoon voice. OUCH. I can’t listen to this girl, and even though she’s pretty I can’t look at her either cuz she’s doing that awkward dancing thing again. She looks at the camera terrified and then does the wave or some shit. Itchy is a very loyal reader here, though, and I would like to give him a gift. Itchy, here are Doi’s boobs. Love ya.

She’s even got a pearl necklace already. Don’t say I never give you nothin’.

There are moments, seconds in this performance where a tiny little glimmer of vocal talent shines through. If only she would stop trying to imitate Billie Holiday on an h binge she might sound ok. When she’s done, she looks like she’s gonna pee on the floor from fear. Skara says she likes the girl but she’s in trouble. The audience boos. It was a bad song choice. The audience boos louder and some dude shouts “BROKEN RECORD!” LOLOLOLLL. Skara gets defensive and tells him he should get up there and do it then. Then she adds Doi should be singing Adele. BOOOOOO! That one was from me. Adele? Uh…I think Adele might be a little more difficult vocally than Bob Marley, but whatever. Then Skara says she should use her falsetto, which girls don’t have. She is booed. Ha. That was fun.

Paula thinks at this stage of the competition Megan has to dig deeper for her beauty to develop. Umkay. She needs to sit on a stool and not move (HAHAHAH) and sing a heart wrenching ballad. She could choose whatever song she wants, bitch CAN’T. SING. Simon snarks “so she needs a chair.” HA. His critique? Dull, boring, monotonous. Randy thinks it was like watching paint dry and just cuz she likes a song doesn’t mean that she should sing it. Doi tells Tink that the audience was feeling it and “my fans” were feeling it. The “fans” again. Did no one tell her what an asshole she sounded like when she said that last week? Her fans. LOL. She’s turning into Joan Crawford. She agrees to try what the judges suggested but stands by her song. Simon shouts “you’ve said that every week!” And she’s still here, so who’s wrong?

Church Lady tells Tink that he’s singing “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts. That’s a chill, sweet song. I had never wondered what it sounds like shouted, but now I’m totally curious. He babbles about wanting to do a different song last week but getting stuck at the last minute and doing the best he could. Who stuck him with that song? Or did he just make a bad choice? And who cares? Is he gonna give people credit for “sticking with” songs when he does well? NO! Suck it up, wahbaby!

One of his critiques was that he needs to show that he can sing softly and not just yell all the time. He starts out softly, and he can do it! It sounds exactly the same in tone and timbre as when he yells, but it’s pretty. And I like what he’s doing with the song. You can say what you want about Church Lady, but he’s no dummy. He knows how to take a pretty, popular song and American Idol(belt and shout til vocal nodes are popping out all over the audience)ize it. The softness lasts for about five seconds, and then it’s on to what he does best. He sings higher and higher and louder and louder. It’s the first time I can remember him missing riffs, and he misses a bunch of them. He’s squeezing so hard that he’s too out of breath to sing one of his last lines and then gets half of his final note wrong. Still, he did what they wanted and did it well. To me, he sounds exactly the same every single time no matter what song he shouts, but others may call that consistency. You know what else is consistent? This face.

Do NOT go in there.

Well, this chick liked it.

A maaaayuhn!

The audience cheers for a looooong time. They love him! Paula does too. She would hit repeat in her car on that one! Before she drunkenly runs over a deer or a kitty or a small child or just drives into a tree. Simon wasn’t having him last week, but thinks Church Lady did his best work of the competition and Anoop and Doi are like snails competing with a race horse.

Isn’t.





That.





SPECIAL?

Alright, who’s the Samantha? I’m going with pink flower. Blue dress is Charlotte, gaping mouth is Miranda, and Church Lady is Carrie. The chick on the end is Stanford.

Randy thinks he brought it crazy but needs to work his swagger and rip into that mic. The mic is limping as it is. Leave the mic alone. Skara says that Church Lady moved us all, he really moved us! Even Tink was impressed. You can tell cuz he calls Hokey “brah”. Or he’s just trying to give him advice. Bras are important. Church Lady says that “when you get a heart, and you get emotion, when you can connect with people on that level, it’s just a whole nother lever of song.” Ugh. He’s like a car salesman that keeps on pointing out features long after you’ve bought the car. You have my money, now get the fuck out of my RAV4. In other words, just say thank you and be on your way, k?

You’ll have to save “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” for next time. GET OFF THE STAGE.

Cholaheta’s next! She has an intro video where she talks, but this is a girl of very few words. The Glam Squad has barfed all over her. She looks like a forty year old bargain basement stylist’s version of “rock”. She’s doing “Don’t Speak” and she’s whipping out the guitar this time. Cut to Ronald McDonald getting his head bashed in with a baseball bat.

Splat.

And then bleeding accessories from her home base, the 99 cent store.

At first she puts her own spin on it. The soft, low part of her voice is rich and nice and she riffs all over the place. When the belting starts, it’s back to the regular version of the song without much of her own ARTISTRY. Her voice sounds so pretty when she’s not nasally shouting everything out. It doesn’t help that she went after Church Lady, who had the same very soft to shout progression, but with a much better arrangement. Chola is very good at what she does, but she’s not looking all that versatile right now. Randy thought her vocals were good and he liked that she played guitar, but he can’t stand her outfit. Randy ragging on someone else’s tacky fashion is like…you know what? I can’t even think of anything comparable to that wackness.

Skara thinks she looks like she’s trying too hard and doesn’t need the hideous clothes to make her rock cuz…the audience boos….she has a good voice. The audience is still booing and Skara’s like “what? I said she had a good voice!” but the audience isn’t buying that “you’ve gained weight but you look good/what? I said you looked good!” bs and keeps on booing. LOL. Paula stutters and tries to figure out how “intonation” sounds. We’ll be here all night. In the meantime, let’s take a look at Paula’s face. That mug changes every single week. She’s becoming a Jackson. And what is she using under her wig to pull her eyebrows that far up and back? Do they make clothespins that strong?

Paula’s face on TV.





Paula’s face when she takes off the clothespins and gets ready for bed.

Paula loved it. Simon says they can’t ignore the outfit cuz it looks like it’s straight out of the Addam’s Family and she came off as a teenage girl trying to look and act like a rock star. Paula insists that it’s no different than Simon was when he was sixteen. A teenage girl trying to be a rockstar is as good a guess as any about Simon’s youth. Someone in the audience yells something at Simon, but I couldn’t tell what, so I’m gonna just assume he shouted “Butt hair!” and leave it at that. Simon doesn’t. He adds that she shouted the whole thing. Chola tells Tink that she “wanted to do a risk so eeeeeh? Whaaaaa? Raaaahaaahhhh.” That’s a direct quote. Her auto biography is gonna be pages of hair color samples and gibberish. Meanwhile, Blind Guy’s on the side of the stage trying to give Tink a high five.

He’s taken his Confused Dandelion hair and transformed it into that cut you see every Sunday at the Cracker Barrel.

Order that fried okra in style!

He tells us that he loves him some Billy Joel, as does every piano man on the face of the planet. He’ll be singing “Just the Way You Are,” which is the funniest song written by Billy Joel cuz his wives are always models. I love you just the way you are, cuz what you are is hot. Now just don’t speak and we’ll get along fine. He is on the piano sans band tonight, which is a mistake cuz he at least needs a drummer. His rhythm is way off and he messes up a bit on the keys. His deaf voice is in full throttle mode tonight. I hope Pretty Brother likes cruises, because he’s gonna be escorting Blind Guy on a lot of them in the years to come. Painful, but cute cuz Dandelion smiles a lot and is really playful. At one point he asks for tips and starts catching change in his mouth.

Skara thinks it was a great song and he made a good choice. She also loves the new look. Paula says that out of all the contestants she is most proud of him. “It has nothing to do about your challenge, but everything to do…that makes me forget about that challenge.” Unfortunately, there’s no forgetting about Paula’s challenge. English. Simon thinks it was his best performance by a “country mile”, which is like a city mile only scarier and filled with more cow poo. He says that the hair is like Tink’s and it was smart to not listen to Paula’s advice about not playing piano. Randy says it was the best of the night. HUH? That blew chunks.

Matt Gums is next, and tells Tink that it sucked being in the bottom three but this week he’s here to please himself and not the judges. I hope that means he’ll go back to the wiener grab. I miss it. The worst thing about the bottom three is that the chairs are uncomfortable. HA. Tonight he’s singing “You Found Me” by the Frays. His first verse is waaaaaay off key, which is different for him. He’s usually a great singer. Tonight he’s trying the growely emo thing and it’s not working. And there’s not even an opportunity for wiener grab cuz he’s stuck performing in the middle of a bunch of homely people.

Poor guy, not only does he stink up the room with that song, but right towards the end he winces in pain as his forehead goes into labor.

It’s a boy! Congrats!

I like Gums and think he’s really talented, but this was his worst in a while. He sounded like he was trying to imitate Church Lady the whole time. Booooo! Paula says that he “aborted” the things they loved about him on this song. LOL. Oh, Paula. Never leave me! She thinks it sounded copy cat. Simon says he should be happy cuz the judges didn’t like him and it sounded uptight and put on with the new gravelly voice. He says that he shouldn’t try to imitate other people to stay in the competition. Randy agrees that it was the wrong song. Skara wants him to pick a style and commit. She thinks he’s talented though and thinks he deserves to stay. Gums tell Tink that R&B isn’t all he can do and he might try something new next week. He didn’t listen to his critiques at all.

Little says that she’s been getting “nilled” by the judges about song choice so this week she’s going with Celine’s “Surrender”. She opens with something she knows the judges will love. Giant boobs. How did this entire recap turn into a boob fest? I don’t even like boobs.

Sorry Church Lady, but Little wins this round.

Little is another one I really like in general, but she’s also another one who’s just decided to plug in the American Idol formula of YELLING. How high and loud can she get without an eye popping out? Tune in next week! Celine can belt and sing softly like an angel in equal measure, and does in this song. So if you can’t do that, don’t be picking a Celine song! Good lord woman. She does a decent job with the vocals other than not being able to come close to Celine, but we already know she can sing. She needs to feel it, and she needs to make us feel it. Right now all I feel is that she needs to find some seamless panties.

Have to give her credit for not pulling the mic away on the final note and chickening out or running out of breath. First time this season! Randy says “check it out check it out for me for you…” he didn’t like the song choice at first but thinks she proved her unbelievable vocal skills. He adds that she needs to young it up. Skara says she was surprised that she could go up there, too and she feels like there was a glimpse of the wow factor she showed in the beginning. Paula doesn’t want an adult contemporary Little, she wants the Little that was promised in the beginning. Simon says it was a safe song to stay in and it was a wedding performance. He thinks it was too soft. Too SOFT? If I was there I’d hand the girl a Ricola. He thinks her personality is being sucked out of her.

As she stands onstage and cries (AWWW!), Tink offers a free judges punch to her kids in the audience. One of the little girls takes him up on it but ends up hugging Randy instead. So cute!! That should give Little at least one more week. Thanks for the pandering, Tink!

Are you my muzah?

When we come back from break, Tink has taken Little’s kid’s place in Randy’s arms. HAHA. Hambert is doing “Play That Funky Music, White Boy”. Oh. My. GAWD. He’s kept his k.d. Lang hair, cuz there wasn’t enough time to dye back the wig Cholaheta borrowed from him.

He says that he’s gonna make this song fresh and new, like it was released today. Uh…it sounds exactly the same except now there’s a lot of pig squeals. The entire second half is screech riffs. Baby with colic. Loved last week, but this week he’s back to honey baked ham land. Talented? Yes. And very tiring.

Ham Art

Just in case you weren’t impressed by the same exact screech he does every week, he’s added in a new trick.

Fist in mouth only works for free drinks at The Faultline.

The audience is losing their minds. Paula is staning and yelling about him being a true genius. She puts him in the same league as Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Ham looks disappointed that she left out Liza and Anne Margaret, but whatevs. She’s trying to be nice. Simon calls the performance brave and says at least it was original. It wasn’t as good as last week but it doesn’t matter. Randy thought it could be corny. And it was! You’re psychic! Hambert gives credit to Ricky for the amazing arrangement. That arrangement was the same f ing arrangement that every cover/wedding band across America uses. The only changes were the screeches, and they came from you. On a positive note, it’s great to see Ham get dangerous with his eyebrows. He’s entering Sylar territory.

How many eyebrow pencils did this take? Utter. ARTISTRY.

Skara says it was like Studio 57. It used to be called Studio 54, but since the war on drugs they just pass ketchup around on tiny mirrors. Someone get Skara out of the house. Krispy Twink is next and he’s doing “Ain’t No Sunshine” in a way that “now one’s seen before!” We’ve never heard it with that bad of a mustache before. LOL mustache. Try again in a decade, kid.

He looks like the pregnant man.

It’s his best so far, I think. His voice isn’t unique or recognizable, but he gives more in this one than he has all season, and it pays off. He blows the final fals note, but it was good times overall. I was just diappointed in the camera angle, cuz I could get one single shot of sideways face. He did, however, do a great Sling Blade bit in rehearsal.

I like them French fried potaters.

Randy loved it, and Skara just shouts ARTISTRY! Paula thinks it should be the first cut on his album and it was his best to date. Simon says he was confident and the song was arranged really well. Best so far. Well done, Twink! Now grab your ankles.

So who’s out? I guess Anoop or Gums. See you in a day or so with results!