American Idolts: Stuff Happened and Then Salma Hayek Breast Fed Someone Else’s Baby

Tonight on American Idol, the season officially went off it’s fucking rocker.

You know a weird thing about this gig? I love love love writing American Idol recaps, but sometimes I feel, I don’t know. GUILTY. Not just because I’m being mean to children, but because I’m being mean to children with a dream. And then things like this happen:

Never mind!

This year Nigel is changing things up. Not by actually finding a hundred or so people that can all actually, you know, SING, but by messing with the format a little. For tonight’s final Hollywood round, the singers will have to perform in a giant, intimidating McMansion. Then they will have to put on thongs and giant saline sacks and make out with Bret Michaels until a few with absolutely no pride or souls are left to compete in the following performance rounds.

There will also be sing offs! SAWEET! Being dissed on television just hasn’t been degrading enough. What do you wanna bet they pit the fauxhawked widow guy against his gay best just friend? There is evil in the air, and it’s giving be a TVboner. Instead of just having to walk across a giant Marriot conference room floor, this time the contestants will have to start out in the McMansion’s parking lot, make their way through a maze in the garden, dust the sitting room, jump over a pool table and walk backwards blindfolded on a tightrope over a pool of crocodiles and those giant goldfish with their brains sticking out. Anoop is up first. He makes it calmly through his paces and finally makes it to the judges’ chambers.

He sits down in front of Randy, who asks him in a funny accent “In Alexander Dumas’ book The Three Musketeers, two of the musketeers are called Athos and Porthos. What was the name of the third Musketeer?” Then Anoop starts going on and on about being born in India and covered in poo and blahblahblah blinding orphans and fighting the mafia. Fascinating. But are you good enough to pass? WHO WANT TO BE A MILLONAIRE!

I know the answer because this one time….

And he’s in!! They don’t really even fuck with him all that much, but we do get to see clips of his performances this far. He has a really pretty smoky voice, and he’s super herky jerky and spazzy and uncomfortable looking. YAY. He’s gonna be fun in performance shows. Anoop jumps up and down and cries and woweeeee. Von Smith is next. Paula asks him what he thinks he did right and what he did wrong. He can’t just say “I make twenty faces you wouldn’t f in less than twenty seconds”, so he goes on about his parents being singers and not approving of anything he does unless it’s exactly what they tell him to do. For example, they wanted him to come out in the last round and blast the judges with his face parade again, but instead he sang Stevie Wonder and turned around in circles. That’s some deep shit. Simon rolls his eyes the whole time.

If your parents made you do this then they deserve a applause. I’ll start.

He’s in! He starts crying and when he gets to the hallway, Tink is waiting there with his mom. They hug and cry.

I just called you an abusive unfeeling hag on national TV. Let’s go to Denny’s!

I’m sorry. This is just unforgivable. We have to ask you to leave Hollywood.

Danny Noriega is back with a different name tag. How the hell is that even possible? Do the producers of this show even bother to watch it? I’m talking to you, Nigel!

I promise to try and not embarrass gay people this time.

Simon says that he’s “like this” and then he waves his hand in that could be gay could be addicted to eyebrow wax kinda way. He wants to hear Danny sing again. Meanwhile, another guy barely misses falling into the goldfish brains pool and starts making his way towards the room. Noriega takes some time to come up with the perfect song and then decides on Britney’s “Hit Me Babimn One More Time” Here’s a little taste.

The judges nod meaningfully and excuse him to wait outside, where he runs into his friend Cody. Sing off!! They both start freaking out a little bit, but Alex has a really funny face so I like him better. Right before he begins Paula says “Make sure you chose the right song.” Damn, Paula. He sings “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” and changes keys and makes scarecrow faces a couple times, but overall he wipes the floor with Noriega.

Then his veins popped and Gumi Bears came out.

We hear what the judges are saying, but not who they are talking about. It sounds like Scarecrow has a way better voice but Noriega has that whole heshe thing going on and it’s way more entertaining. Well at least they’re honest about not choosing the one with the better voice. But then they do!! Scarecrow’s in, Noriega’s back to dinner service on Rosie’s Cruise. These two are really cute. Scarecrow doesn’t smile once and has to be kinda held up by Noriega. Tink tries to make them cry but they don’t. They don’t let go of each other. AW! Scarecrow says that Noriega “will just have to be on season 9!” Then they make out.

Please don’t make me go back there. Rosie’s wife is really mean.

The other contestants hug Noriega and he tells them they’re the best friends he’s ever had. That? That’s really sad. Adam Hambert, the musical theater geek with punk hair, is next. He’s basically the star that they all talk down so he doesn’t get a huge head before the show’s even started, but you know he’s in. He is very popular with the viewers, as I have read in the comments section, but to me he sounds like a drag queen on hormones. He tells us how rough Hollywood week was and that he hopes the “risk” he took in singing Cher’s “I Believe” will pay off. That would have been a risk, for say, the fauxhawked widower, but not for a gay musical theater junkie with a pound of foundation on.

If they make me sing something else, I’m gonna whip out some Judy Garland and wear a glow necklace and really go against type.

They show a clip of him singing the Cher song and I crack up all over again. He sounds like a cat who got its tail stuck in a door. Hambert’s super confident, bordering on cocky, as he bops into the room and compliments the chairs. Simon tries to fuck with him and make him think he’s not in, but of course he made it. He registers no surprise. Taylor from Salt Lake City is next. She forgot her words in HWood round one. I thought that disqualified you! Well, I guess not when you’re pretty, thin, and have a rack. Cuz here she is. Then we get to hear her subpar version of an Alicia song. Ridiculous. Why is she still here? WHY? How many beards does Simon need?

I will break up with you and give you eight million dollars.

Jasmine makes it, but she’s too well rounded and down to earth to fuck with so they just spit it out. YAY JASMINE!

A contestant that just sings. Go fig!

You and your nostrils are in too. Congrats. Now please don’t tilt your head like that again. You look like a flu commercial.

Montage of boring girls getting in. Why waste part of the two hours on them when there’s still a Tatiana breakdown to come? That shit’s gonna take the entire second hour. Johanna Paquiciskisquiti, better known as Laid Off Annie, is next. She forgot her lyrics both times she performed, but hopes that the judges see her potential. I think the five albums she sold before this season kinda proved that already, but I’m all for torturing ex-Annies. Skara asks her when her time to shine is gonna be, seeing as how she’s already been on Broadway and had a record deal. Laid Off cries. Simon answers that her time will be when someone gives her a break. Oh give ME a break! How many breaks can one person get? She forgot her words BOTH TIMES! Paula says it’s a tough business and she deserves a chance. ANOTHER ONE! ARGH. **Update: we know by now that Pasquititisitqui was kicked off because she was best friends with people at 19 management and Nigel knew his ass was cornered. Lata, looza! Time to take those boxes of unsold cds out and start wandering down HWood Blvd in your Annie wig.

This is your last chance to fake cry for the cameras today. Make it count!

YIKES

Clips of three guys singing way off key. They all get sent home. Next is Kendall Beard, a little blonde girl who impressed the judges the first time around in Puerto Rico but then kinda blew it when she got to Hollywood. Paula says that her song choices were boring and they weren’t sure about her so Welcome to Season 8!! Kendall freaks out. She’s cute. Obviously. This show makes me honestly wonder. Can ugly people sing?

Sorry but you’re….pitchy?

Outside, another cutie, Kristin, warms up.

Another mediocre cute blonde is seen first. The married girl Jen, whose hot husband has already been sent packing. Jen is bubbly and sweet, but not talented enough. Sing off! She pops right up and thinly but emotionally belts out a country song. Krisitn’s next, but first we get to see her being called a slag whore on group day.

I wish we could vote on judges and switch Skara out with this chick.

Kristen comes in scared and showing her double chins.

Take it on the chins.

She is the opposite of the confident and charming Jen, in every way. She sings the poor girl under the table, whipping out some Whitney and nailing every note. She is excused to talk Kristen’s head off about nothing in the hallway while Simon asks the judges if they should put through the attractive one or the one who can sing. Oh shit! That is so wrong. No one says “they’re both attractive!” which is even worse.

Paula says obvs they keep the talented one and Skara asks why they don’t just parade in models. Isn’t that what you’ve been doing? I’m confused. Simon makes a look like models would be fine for him. Puhleeze. You’re trying to hard there, butch. We buy it ok? You pay off ex girlfriends because you really enjoyed touching their boobies and not because you don’t want them yammering to the bloids about your gayness. Sold. This show really gets me sometimes. Here you have two pretty girls, but the one they’re clearly going to keep they basically call ugly, knowing she’s going to watch this episode before the performance rounds begin. If they let these kids think they’re actually talented and pretty, they won’t sign their money and their life away to Simon. It’s sick. And awesome.

Feel worthless yet? Then you might actually have some talent!

Skara tells Jen she’s real perty, which is the kiss of death. Paula tells Kristen that she dresses in an off putting way and has an identity crisis. Look who’s talking, Stevie Nicks. So she can stay as long as she stops being so ugly. Skara says that these two contestants would be the perfect woman if they were melded. They put Kristen through but Simon says he absolutely disagrees with the decision and “out you go.” Wrong.

Next up is Alexa, who is deciding whether to take care of her baby or say fuck it I’m going to Hollywood. She tries to squeeze out some tears about how much she’s gonna miss her behbeh, and it’s sad. For the baby. Cuz that baby’s screwed. First it’s gonna get left with stinky ole Meemaw, then when her mom gets kicked off eventually she’s gonna come home and drink her life away and desperately and drunkenly sing a big number at all of behbeh’s birthday parties for the rest of her life.

Outfits like that got you into this mess. Try a pantsuit.

I’m annoyed by the baby thing, ok? There I said it. You made it now you have to take care of the little brat. But she can sing her ass off, and she’s through. Maybe it’ll work out and she’ll be able to provide for her kid like Fantasia did, but there’s a cloud of boxed Franzia and botched kids bday parties hanging over this chick.

Lata, sucka!

Scott, the visually impaired guy, is next. Meh. Stevie Wonder is totally blind and he can actually sing.

I’m sorry but it had to be said. Now please buy some Pomade.

And he’s in! The judges feel good for being nice to a handicapped guy. Now they can go back to sucking souls without guilt. Lil Rounds is next, and she looks like she’ll beat the crap out of someone if she’s not put through. She’s also the only one confident enough to tell us that she thinks she made it. “I think I deed good enough!” Love her.

I’ll give you whatever you want just please don’t hurt me.

And she’s in! Three girls follow her, and all are told no. One is even told “it was unanimous. NO.” LOL.

But I dressed like a whore! WAAAAHHHHH!!!

Frankie is next. Another single mom with an adorable baby. Come on people you’re killin me here. I don’t know if my biological clock is ticking or what, but how could you leave this little cutie pants? HOW?

You were a mistake and mommy’s gonna try to make her life better, k? Now forget my face.

And it’s a singoff! She’s up against Jesse, the rock singer with no eyebrows who’s very confident that she’ll make it through. Frankie is first and admits that she’s freaking out. She bones it. HARD. Simon says she just made his decision easier. Frankie doesn’t know what he meant by that, which is sad and hilarious. Well at least one kid’ll get to keep her mommy.

Jesse walks in and nails it, wails it, and I can’t think of a rhyme but she was great. Simon tells her it was a horrible song and tells the judges that he wants to send them both home. Damn, girl! I thought she was awesome, but I guess she showed too much confidence. That’s one thing the judges hate. She should have come up with a good “I’ll kill myself” story or “I was on drugs” or “I’m blind” or “my blind mom will kill herself with drugs”. Make an effort, sister!

Paula gives them both shit for picking bad songs but they take Jesse. Simon tells Frankie “don’t feel bad, you wouldn’t have won anyway.” God. He was just trying to not make her feel like she missed the big chance. Wow. Frankie cries and asks if there were really eight girls better than her. Simon says “you’ll see.” Ouch. Well at least she gets to go home to her adorable baby and her hot boyfriend.

If I had this man at home I would never leave. Neither would he. Or I would follow him and possibly kill him.

LOL

Montage of people getting tossed. One girl is super sweet and says that the hardest thing is becoming attached to people you never know whether or not you’ll see again. Then Simon goes “you won’t.” Buhbye! The saddest part involves this guy. Because he’s hot. Even when he cries.

Now kiss.

Allison, the 16 year old with the rock-y belt voice, is next. Tink asks “will her age be a deterrent?” Yeah, the judges really hate youth. She’s through! Shocker. I’m actually excited to see what this girl can do because she has really bad hair and can sing like an angel. Well, a really cracked out drug addict angel with sand paper chords.

Fauxhawk Widower and Gay Best Just Friends are next. They are so both making it, so let’s just hurry up with it. Fauxhawk says that he thinks he did a really good job under the pressure, and then we see him kicking ass on “I Hope You Dance”, the second gayest song of the week next to the Cher song. Then more of him talking and saying he can do better and blahblahblah. Just be quiet. Simon tells him that it’s all about being relevant. Like Jordin Spanx. He made it. No surprise there. Gay Best Just Friends cries and says his friend deserves it cuz he’s been through so much. And also cuz he’s a good singer. Gay Best Just is next, and he’s smiling through his pain.

OW my face.





My future daughter.

Expwain why you sowd bad peanut buttuh.

Gay Best is amazing. Skara tries to fake him out, but what’s the point? And he’s OUT!! WTF?!?!? HOW IN GOD’S NAME IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!? This guy was amazing! Holy shit I thought they couldn’t surprise me anymore. Unbelievable. That guy was one of the top singers of any season. He takes it well and congratulates his friend and doesn’t cry. I tend to agree with scary Dennis from last week right now.

Montage of people making it. How the hell did Jorge Nunez beat Gay Best Just Friends? I will not be able to let it go. Stephen Fowler is next. He’s amazing but forgot his lyrics on day four. Then they let him start over and he forgot again. He says that he doesn’t know what happened and Simon says it’s called pressure. Paula asks him if he regrets getting up and walking off. Simon says it’s too late and he’s through. How is this right? HOW?!?!? AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now for my ex-Uncle Phyllis. I can’t believe this jackass is even still here.

HATE

He shows up as himself today and says he will even dress like bikini whore to make it to the next round. Paula tells him that he needs to stay his wacky self and Skara says she misses his schtick. And he’s through. OK this is just getting fucking depressing. I don’t wanna hear anyone from this show complaining that it’s becoming it a joke (coughSanjycough). Montage of people making it. I feel sick to my stomach. Uncle Phyllis made it through. This show has officially become a parody of itself.

Jackie Tone is next. She’s meh at best and off key through half her remember last week clip but she’s cute and wacky so she makes it through. She freaks. And she’s followed by the biggest freak of the show. TATIANA! Montage of her craziness. She comes in wearing one of Paula’s tinfoil QVC pieces of crap, screaming and carrying on like an idiot. Simon’s tells her “just for once, try not to be annoying.” HAHAHAHAHAH. Paula cringes when she sees Tati wearing her jewelry and then Tatiana goes on and on about how it was a sign from God, who is apparently really tacky and cheap. Tati says that she really wanted the ring and cried when it was sold out. Paula stands up and puts the ring on her finger. Tati cries. Simon says it’s very generous of Paula to so shamelessly promote her shit jewelry on national tv like that. LOL. She’s in!! Oh. My. GAWD. Anyone still taking this shit seriously? Raise your hands.

She breaks down and Simon hugs her and whispers in her ear : “Paula’s gonna want the ring back.” HAHAHAH. Well at least we can laugh while the ship sinks, eh? Tati leaves squealing and sobbing and screaming. Ok, this disaster I can live with. She’s hilarious. The rest of the waiting room can barely bring themselves to applaud.

Another sing off! This time it’s between a guy named Jackie that I can’t even remember and the sad pierced multi tone hair queen that I hated on site. I have been trying to figure out who he looks like. I thought Martha Plimpton at first, but she’s Vanna White in comparison. Garbage Pail Kid? Nah, those were at least cute enough to collect. Then it hit me. I had a flashback to that 20/20 or Dateline or whatever about those dolls that look like newborn babies. Reborns.

Tell me you don’t see it.

Jackie has a nice voice but is milquetoast. He sings “When a Man Loves a Woman” and it’s very nice and booooring. Skara thinks he’s great and shouldn’t have to be in a singoff. Flashback to Reborn’s monologue about not getting enough love in his childhood. Now we get an explanation of what that means. He tells us that he’s lived with every member of his family because he was too annoying and dramatic to keep. His grandma says she took him in when his mom went to jail for “her problem.”

Was this before or after she became a famous lunch lady that competed on Survivor?

Grams is adorable. She cries and says that she hopes American Idol can help him, ie get him the f out of her house. Reborn, in bright red stretch jeans and a purple scarf, comes bopping into the judges chamber. Simon asks him wtf he’s wearing. LOL. He says in case it’s his last day he wanted to come in as much himself as possible. Yeah, that? Please stop. He gets up to sing and gives cryie face and sings better than he has yet. It pains me to say it, but he outsang milquetoast. DAMMIT. In the waiting hallway, he starts fauxsobbing like a little girl and tells Milquetoast “I want this so bad but I don’t wanna take away your dream!” Get him off my TV PLEASE. Again, he’s not really crying. Fucking faker. I really hate this kid.

I would totally cry for you, but I’m a young David Bowie.

They are brought back in and Reborn is still pretending to cry. And it works. He’s in. And I am officially over it. Gay bashings are going to increase, and it’s all on your head, Reborn!

Newest peanut butter packaging.

And then Salma Hayek comes on breast feeding someone else’s baby in Africa. I’m not kidding. Dude, hand the mom a twenty if you wanna be nice.

I keep looking out the window waiting for the world to end. Any second now. I’m ordering a pizza.

Montage of people crying and passing through. And ps there’s no way this guy’s under the age limit.

Can I borrow some money for more dye to hide my mane of grey hair?

Two bears are up next. A welder and Mike, an oil rig worker. Bear sing off! Welder Bear sounds great but be looks nervous and sweaty and changes keys a couple times. Simon disses the song, but he stands by it. Oil Rig Bear is next. He is way better and even throws in a little falsetto. But he’s boring. Simon doesn’t think either of them can win, and Paula agrees. They’re both through. And neither holds a candle to Gay Best Just Friends. Just saying.

So there you have it! Some questionable choices, to say the least. Some of the shittiest singers ever. And how many people did they audition? Will you bother joining me next week for the Top 36? Here’s a full list if you guys are interested. Thanks for reading. It’s gonna be one hellofa season.