Are you there AI, it’s me ToneDeaf

Nikki sets her sights on a potential wannabe and is immediately repelled by the banshee. Guess she needs to find her protege under another rock.

Luckily they don’t give the names of all the terrible singers in the montage because if I had that info, I would be writing strongly worded letters to all of their mothers.

Next up, boy who sounds like he’s dry heaving and performing in front of deaf people.

There seems to be no end of Nikki wannabes as Mariah just waits for someone to sing Dreamlover just once.

Nate Tao has a heart of gold and loves to sing. Oh and his parents are deaf so now he’s a sign language teacher. Heart strings = pulled.

Isn’t this scenario a lyric that can be added to Alanis Morissette’s Ironic?

At first Nate’s parents were NOT supportive of his singing career. Upon hearing that both of Nate’s parents are deaf, Keith Urban asks if Nate is the only singer in the house. Keith, do you have any filter? Or is it so deeply ensconced in country lyrics that you have no idea how to engage in regular interactions anymore?

He sings Stevie Wonder. How apropos.

Thank god Nate is good.

Next auditioner is a dog named Oscar who is attached to a person named Halie. This has really turned into the circus that I know it has always been. 

Halie and Halie’s arm are going to do a duet while her husband (saddest man in Texas) waits outside. Much like their sex life.

Oscar is kicked to the curb cuz Halie is going to Hollywood. Cue Celine Dion’s Heart Will Go On during montage of Oscar’s fall from the spotlight. Who says American Idol doesn’t have depth?

They say that people in Oklahoma are really homegrown. Which means they all wear hats.

I really just want to see this girl perform. 

Then we meet Sonnette Johnson who is a delicate southern flower.

Sonnette is wearing booty shorts (unfortunately) and neon vomit. Because Obama won the election, she has decided to sing the national anthem. Her rendition made my dog leave the room.

The high notes made Keith Urban fall out of his chair and lose the only testicle Nicole Kidman left him.