Are you there AI, it’s me ToneDeaf

Sonnette is a whole ball of crazy, dancing all up in this boat house, in the midst of her dance, where she gets stuck in a squat, she breaks out into tears. BECAUSE OBAMA DIDN’T INVITE HER TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

For reasons I can’t comprehend even if I were blackout drunk, she is passed through to Hollywood. We have enough crazy in Hollywood! Whatchu doin to Cali judges??? You know she’s just going to be a fixture on Hollywood Boulevard for the next twenty years while she shares an apartment with street Spider-Man and street Hulk.

Here come the tears! What would American Idol be without watching the crushing if dreams?

Anastasia Freeman has the spotlight and she is shaking. She may not make it. In life. Just saying. Life is rough guys.

And already she falls right before she even gets in front of the judges. The judges ask her if she’s the next American Idol and like all the other trained puppies, she says she is. Except she clearly is not because you need to not be tone deaf.

My favorite parts of this particular audition were the following:

1. When Nikki Minaj dons a British accent and calls the girl a ladybug
2. When all the judges laugh at Anastasia, fragile crybaby Anastasia, and Anastasia asks if they are laughing at her. Judges all say no emphatically and Mariah, the sharp sleuth that she is, continues to laugh.
3. Judges asking who told her to audition and Anastasia saying God. 

A fetus is auditioning!!! Kayden! Where did you put the umbilical cord? And what kind of tape do you use?

Kayden Stephenson is the next Bieber. I know because he’s wearing pink pants.

He has cystic fibrosis and won’t live past 35 years old. Can we just give him the American Idol title? I mean, then we won’t have to go through all the other auditions…

 Nikki tells Kayden how inspired other kids would be by him and his story, and no sooner than those words are out of her mouth is a new has tag born. Capitalizing on sob stories, ain’t no valley too low for you AI.

Thankfully, the judges loaned their souls back from the devil and voted Kayden on through to Hollywood.

Just as I think the episode is over, Steven Tyler shows up in drag. Does he know his contract is over?

And wouldn’t you know it, they played Dude Looks Like a Lady. #predictable 

He leaves the stage, but not with flashing he old man ass. His ass contract is still valid.